The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Drop Off - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: One of
the great challenges

faced by parents
throughout history

is getting their kids up
for the first day of school...

unless they're going
to college.

I am so out of here!

Dad, come on! Let's go! You
gotta drop me off at college!

- What?
- I am gone.

Dad's giving me a ride
up to college, so lates.

- Axl.
- Ugh.

Fine. Later.
[ Smooches ]



Come on, pops.
Meet you at the front door.

Uh, we're all going,
not just "pops."

We're all taking you
up to college.

[ Scoffs ] Why?

It's an iconic moment, Axl.

It's an iconic moment for us
and for you

and our whole family,

and we're all gonna do it
together.

Told you she wouldn't
go for it.

Ugh. Fine.

Just don't shower or try
to look nice or anything.

I want to get there

before all the hot chicks
put on the Freshmen 10.

Okay, now, I'm gonna go rip
one last fart in Sue's room,



and then let's hit the road.

This is it, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Our little boy's really going
to college.

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Voice breaking ] This is it.
This is the moment.

Hey. Hey, come on.

He's only 42 minutes away.

We're lucky he wasn't
smart enough to go farther.

[ Crying ] Yeah.

[ Sniffles ]

Brick, Sue, let's go!

We got to take your brother
to school.

Axl said
just he and dad are going.

Well, Axl was wrong.

We are all taking Axl
up to school.

What? No!

I can't do that--
not today.

Today is when I find out
if I'm gonna be

a Junior
Peer Leadership Adviser,

and I don't want to miss
the call.

Wait. I thought you already
did that last year.

No, that's mentoring
the freshmen.

This is mentoring the sophomores
who mentor the freshmen.

Being Junior
Peer Leadership Adviser

is the gateway to becoming
Recording Secretary.

And I don't want
to jinx anything,

but I wrote
a killer essay called

"Leading When No One Is Looking,
Listening, Or Letting You."

And my interview went
very well.

That's why I would also suggest
"Mix It Up Mondays,"

where a student
who is "More Popular"

might have to make a student

who is erroneously perceived
as "Less Popular"

their friend.

Well, they're gonna have to
call you on the road, then,

because this is
an iconic moment,

- and we are all taking Axl up to school.
- Mom!

What did you even get him a car
for if we all have to drive him?

He left it up there
at Orientation.

And I don't have to explain
anything.

We're all taking your brother
to school!

Hey, Mr. McCoy!

Taking my oldest to college.

An iconic moment, huh?
[ Dog panting ]

It just goes by so...

Okay. Have a great day.

Hey. You got your stuff?
You all ready?

Locked and loaded.

Wait. That's it?
That's all you're taking?

That's not all you're taking
to college.

What happened to the list
they sent?

That's my toothbrush.

What are you doing?

What...

There's no clock,

no shower caddy,
no shower shoes.

Nothing in here is from the list
they gave you.

I gave you money
to get stuff off the list.

Relax. I got stuff.

I got this.

Well, you haven't seen it
blown up.

Also, I got a bag of sand.

You know, I'm going for, like,
a tropical beach theme.

It's gonna be [High-pitched voice] hot.

[ Inflatable tree thuds ]

All right.
Ready to dump this kid?

He didn't get anything
from the list, Mike.

Even though he said he had it covered,
apparently, it's not covered.

So now we're just gonna have to
quick swing by

Bed Bath And Between
on our way to the college.

[ Trunk closes ]
No.

No swinging by.
I just want to get there!

Axl, I am not
sending you to school

with a palm tree
and a bag of sand.

People will think
you have lazy parents.

Well, they don't need
to know that.

Well, this shower caddy
has rubber on the bottom,

and this one
does not have rubber.

But I like the heft
of the handle.

Okay, pretend you're walking
down the dorm hallway

to the shower.
How you feelin'?

Awkward, 'cause my mom
is walking me to the shower.

Oh, what the hell?
Let's splurge on the rubber.

My kid doesn't go to college
every day.

My boy's going to college.

[ Muzak playing ]

Ooh! No-fog mirror.

You're gonna want this
for shaving.

Ohh! Can you believe
you shave?

Mwah!

Oh, shower radio!

These are still fun, right?

Mm. Look, can we just go,
please?

Everyone's waiting in the car.
And I don't need anything.

I can just buy stuff
when I get to school.

Yeah, with what?

Uh, my scholarship money.
Duh.

I mean,
don't they give it to me

in, like, an envelope
or something when I get there?

There's no envelope, Axl.

It's already been spent
on classes and room and board.

Are you serious?

Let's see. Shower shoes.

Shower shoes.

Ugh! Why do I even need
shower shoes?

So you don't get
athlete's foot.

Already got it. I'm good.

Well, you two look stumped.
Anything I can help you with?

- Yes.
- No.

My oldest here is headed to
East Indiana State.

We are so proud.

And the best part is,
he got a scholarship.

I'll be at checkout.

[ Bang, crash ] Ugh!
[ Objects clatter ]

Not academic.

Let's go!

Dad, make her go.

You really think he needs
all this crap?

A mini ironing board?

It was on the list, Mike.

They wouldn't put it on the list
if he didn't need it.

Everybody, keep labeling.

Little candles?

Oh. Those are for us for when
we entertain outside.

We don't entertain outside.

Well, with Axl gone, we might.

Here, take your marker

and label
his collapsible rain poncho.

Hawaiian Breeze
purse freshener?

My firstborn is leaving!

Excuse me if I would like
my purse to smell fresh!

- That doesn't smell like Hawaii.
- You've never even been to Hawaii.

Yeah, and we're never gonna
get there

if you keep our spending money
on purse freshener.

Hold on.

- Now you got him a new cellphone?
- No.

What-- he's already got
a cellphone.

That's not for Axl.
It's for Brick.

What?!

You really think Brick
is responsible enough

to have a cellphone?

Why don't you throw it
in the garbage right now?

He's fine. He's way better
than he used to be.

He's gonna miss his brother.
He needs to text him.

Besides, he's gonna be
in middle school this year.

I need to be able
to keep track of him.

You know how he wanders.

Well, which is it--
he's responsible or he isn't?

I don't know, Mike!

But he's gonna love me a whole
lot if I give him his own phone,

and I need that right now.

Hey, Brick. Look!
We got you your own phone.

Oh? Wow.

Thanks.

[ Cellphone clatters ]

Wow, guys.

This might be the last time

we're all in the car together
as a family.

Hey, you want to play
a car game?

42 minutes away, Frankie.

Yeah. No, no, no.
This'll be fun.

Everybody come up with

their-- their top 10
favorite Axl memories.

Better plan--
six blocks away,

you slow down,
and I'll roll out.

[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Gasps ] Aah!

[ Laughs ] This could be it!
This could be it right now!

Hello?

It's not it. It's Brad.

Cami Carfino-- out.

Merilee Turner-- out.

Thanks, Brad.

Okay, that leaves me,
Nancy Seifried, and Karen Frick.

Karen's still a threat

because she was really good
in "Our Town."

But Nancy has used foul language
on several occasions,

so I think I still have a shot.

Ah... so boring!

Drive faster.

Okay, if everybody's
off the phone--

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Why are you on the phone?
Who are you calling?

You're the one that got him
the phone.

You said I can only call
friends and family.

I don't have any friends,
so I'm calling Grandpa Tag.

No! Do not.
Do not call grandpa--

Hi, Grandpa Tag!

He wants to talk to you.

Hang on. Dad's making
all these weird gestures.

I can't talk, Brick.
I'm-- I'm driving.

Sue: I'll talk to him.

Oh, that's okay. Maybe the phone
mom got me has some speaker.

No! Do not, Brick.
Do not put Grandpa Tag on--

Tag: Hiya, Mike!

Hey! Tag!

Hey, listen, we're-- we're--
we're driving Axl up to college.

I should probably concentrate
on my driving.

Oh, yeah. College boy, huh?

Put him on. Put him on.

Everybody's on, dad.
You're on speaker.

Listen, kid.
College is fun,

but I got a mean case
of the VD my freshman year.

Take him off speaker!
Off speaker!

And, you know, the strains now are
even worse, so be careful. [ Beeping ]

Can you get him off speaker?
Axl, help your brother get off speaker.

Hey, Axl, did you cash in on
that Franklin Huntington bond

we set up for ya?

What?

The savings bond grandma and I
got when you were born,

so you'd have
a little spending money.

I mean, that thing's
got to be worth--

Okay, dad, we just hit a deer!
We got to go!

[ Beep ]
Axl: Wait.

What did he mean about money?

Did grandma and grandpa
give me money?

Oh, my God. They did.

Did you steal my money?

Oh, my God.
They stole my money.

Relax.
Nobody stole your money.

We just...

uh... diversified your portfolio

into food, clothes, braces.

Seriously?

You wasted my money
on Sue's ugly face?

That thing's a black hole.

You could throw money at it
forever.

It's never gonna get better.

- Mom!
- Mike.

Hey. Investments sometimes
take a while to pan out.

This is outrageous!

When was I gonna find out
about this?

I'm practically
the head of the household.

How long have I been supporting
you people?

We just borrowed it
during a desperate time.

We had no way of knowing

that all the times
would be desperate.

Look, we-- we spent plenty
of money on you over the years.

I really don't think
we owe you anything.

- Really?
- Mm.

I have made life so easy
for you people.

I got a scholarship to college,

so you don't even
have to pay for it.

I... How much is college?
Like, $2,000?

Well, I want that, too, then!
With interest!

What is interest, Axl? Do you
even know what interest is?

I'm interested
in getting my money back.

That's what I'm interested in.

I'm interested in getting
my toothbrush back.

Calm down. It's all gonna
come back to you eventually.

It is all clearly spelled out
in the Death Napkin.

[ Gasps ] Aah!
La la la la la la la la!

How come every time
we get in this car,

we end up talking about
the Death Napkin?!

Well, I'm sick
of carrying you people.

When we get there, it's done.
The cash cow's leaving.

So good luck surviving
on your own.

Wasting my hard-earned money
on stupid stuff...

Oh, yeah?
Who bought you

the cool shower shoes
you love so much, huh?

I did! I bought them!
I bought all of this.

You-- fine. I'm eating all of
the snacks out of the snack bag.

Give me that. I paid for it.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Okay, whose phone's ringing?

Uh, it's not mine.
Mine's lost.

Brick!

Seriously? You just had it a second ago.
[ Scoffs ]

I know. Weird, right?

Shh! This is she.

I think it might've gone
under the seat.

Brick, look under the seat.

Hey, there's money down here.
Look, I found a quarter.

[ Muffled ] That's mine!
All of it's mine!

Empty out your pockets.
I want it all.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, found my phone.

See? He found it.

What? What?
That's weird.

Oh, I think I stepped on it.

I think it's broken.
I'm not having any bars.

Here, I'm gonna try
to get bars.

You're not calling
any more family.

What do you mean
you don't have my essay?

No, you have my essay.

I-I turned in my essay.
My mom faxed it from her office.

Mom, they say my interview
was great

but they never got my essay.

You faxed my essay, right?

You did fax my essay?

[ Thud ]
Brick: Uh-oh.

In fairness to mom, you really
never should've trusted her

to fax it in the first place.

I mean, face it.
She's not the most responsible.

Look, we can fix it.
We'll fix this.

I-I still have it
in my purse.

Maybe there's a Kinko's nearby
and we can fax it now.

Ooh! Ooh!
That's a good idea.

No! No Kinko's!

The only "K" place we're going
is college!

Wait a minute.

Can we just call it?
Can someone call the damn thing?

Yes. I... We didn't
write down the number.

Oh, wait. I see something.

Never mind.
It's just half a squirrel.

Top half, everybody.

Okay, they said if I fax it
by 2:00, they'll read it.

That's great!

[ Gasps ]
That's only 15 minutes.

It's not a problem.

We'll just quick swing by
the copy place,

and then we're off to college.

[ Trunk closes ]

Axl, get back in the car!

No! I'm walking to college.
It'll be faster.

You are not walking to college.
We're taking you.

Do I seriously need to explain
to you what an iconic moment is?

Axl, stop fooling around
and get in the car.

We only have 15 minutes
to try to find a Kinko's

and get my essay faxed.

Nope. I got my palm tree.
I got my quarters for laundry.

I'll see you in five years.

- Axl!
- Get in the car!

[ Axl, Sue, and Frankie
shouting at once ]

Axl, you are not ruining this
for me! Axl!

Get in the car!

- This is kidnapping.
- Mm.

I've been kidnapped,

and I'm probably gonna have to
pay my own ransom.

I hate to tell you, you weren't
even walking the right way.

Look, we are just gonna
quick swing by a copy place,

fax Sue's essay, and we're off
to college lickety-split.

Ugh!
No more swinging by stuff.

I got to get there first,

or my roommate'll get
the bigger bedroom.

Don't tell him. It'll be fun
to watch his face.

Mom, can I have my essay?

I just want to look over
what I wrote.

Sure.

[ Sighs ]
Should I just read it out loud?

All: No.

Well, so much for the phone.

Guess I wasn't ready.

You think your parents will know
when you're ready for things

and when you're not, but...
I guess that's not the case.

Clearly, there was
a big misjudgment here.

And thank God it wasn't over
something more dangerous.

No. No. No. No! No, no, no!
It's ruined!

What?

[ Gasps ]
The whole second page is ruined.

It's-- it's--
look, it's all smeared!

What did you have in your purse?

- Nothing.
- Wh--

[ Sniffs ]

It smells like how I always
imagined Hawaii would smell.

What'd I tell you?

Oh, God.

Oh! Your purse freshener
spilled all over my paper!

Okay, okay. Let's not panic.
You can re-create it.

Just try to remember what
you said and write it down.

[ High-pitched voice ]
I don't know what I said!

Okay, the first page is all
about who my role models are--

Sheryl Sandberg, Hermione,
blah, blah, blah.

And then at the bottom
of the page, it says,

"...but the main reason

I will be a great Peer
Leadership Adviser is I'm...

Blur. Big blur!

[ Gasps ] Oh, wait.
Oh! I think that's an "F."

Ooh! "F-A."

Oh, no, no, no! It's an "L"!
It's an "L"! Look!

Oh, okay. "Fl..." "Fl..."

Help me out here, people!

Um... "Fluorescent."

- "Flashy."
- "Flude."

Uh, "Flude" isn't even a word.

Okay, it's an adjective. My bad.
Whatever.

"Flamboyant."

Hey, this is kind of fun.
I like this game.

It's like Mad Libs,
except it's Sue Libs--

"Pathetic," "Dork."

We're working with
"Fl..." people.

"Flood of sunshine."

- "Flan."
- "Flamingo."

Now you're just saying words.

Okay, forget that. I'm just
gonna have to start over.

- Where am I going? You said
it was on 27th Street? - Yes.

Please! I'm begging you,
please just get me to college.

This whole peer thing
is a joke.

It's just a bunch of juniors
telling sophomores

how to tell freshmen
where the bathroom is.

It's a gateway to becoming
Recording Secretary!

Everybody can't just

throw a ball
and get into college, Axl!

I think I passed it.

Great.
We're-- we're burning gas

on something she's never
gonna get.

Yeah, and it's all coming out
of my pocket.

Did you not hear her?!

She has no chance of getting
Recording Secretary

unless she gets this!

Sir? Sir, we need to use
your fax machine.

Machine's over there.
It takes cash and credit cards.

It's do-it-yourself.

Brick: 20 seconds.

Oh, okay! I need
a good last sentence.

Okay, we need cash.
Who has cash?

I spent all mine
at Bed Bath And Between.

I'm out of cash, too.
How about a credit card?

Uh, no. No, definitely not
that one.

Okay, what are we gonna do?!
We need money!

Oh, my God. Seriously?

Come on, we know you got laundry
quarters, Axl. Cough 'em up.

Ugh! Fine!

But this is going on your tab,
with interest,

whatever that is.

5 seconds.
[ Coins clinking ]

"So in conclusion...

I love America."
[ Dial tone drones ]

Okay.
[ Dialing, connecting ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Wait!

"Fluent in teen speak."

That was the "Fl..."

I should be a Junior
Peer Leadership Adviser

because I am
fluent in teen speak!

[ Cellphone rings ]

- Oh, now who's ringing?
[ Gasps ] - Oh! Oh!

Oh, it's them!
Maybe they loved my essay.

It doesn't work
quite that quick, Sue.

It-- it's you, Mike.

Me?
Who the hell calls me?

Hello?

Yeah, this is "dad."

You don't say?

This guy found Brick's phone.

Oh.

Yep, I know where that is.
Be there in 20 minutes.

No! No!

We need to be moving forward,
not back--

what-- why are you doing this
to me?

I know I'm the only thing in
the house that brings you joy,

but you've got to let me go!

Oh!

Thank you so much!

See, we're on our way to take
our oldest to college.

He's going to
East Indiana State.

So we got my other son a phone
'cause, you know,

brothers want to keep in touch.

But thanks, anyway.
We really appreciate it.

We got to get going.

So after picking up
Brick's phone...

multiple bathroom breaks--

including
one stretch of highway

where there was no bathroom--

we completed
the 42-minute drive...

in five hours.

Well, this is it.

This is gonna be your home
for the next four years.

[ Vomits ]

Awesome! [ Laughs ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, well, this is it.

Oh! You're coming in? Why?
Why are you coming in?

Axl, we've got to get you
set up.

Boom! Set up.

Oh, this must be your roommate.

[ Loudly ] You must be Kenny.
Hi, we're Axl's parents.

[ Clacking continues ]

Hi, we're the Hecks-- Frankie,
Mike, Sue, and Brick.

Well, he seems nice.

Yikes.
Axl has to live here?

It kind of smells.

Yikes.

It smells fine, Brick.

Sue, get off the phone
and help me put this on.

Honey, just grab that corner.

Sue: Fine, fine.

[ Sniffs ]
Mike: Okay, parenting over.

Let's go.

Mike, we got to get him set up.

Do we?
[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
It's them. This is it.

Shh! Everybody, quiet!

Hello? This is she.

Hello? Hello?!

[ Gasps ]
My battery just died!

Oh! Brick, Brick, Brick,
let me use your phone

so I can call them back.

You are not gonna believe this.

[ Scoffs ] Dad!

Brick, start lookin'.

Hey, dude!
Is that a palm tree?

[ Laughs ]
And... sand!

Dude's got a palm tree!

Party room!

Whoo!

Party and study room!

[ Sue squeals and laughs ]

I got it!

I am the 2013-2014 Junior
Peer Leadership Adviser!

Honey, that is so great.

So they must've liked
that essay.

Oh, turns out
they didn't even read it.

Nancy Seifried was hiding
a teen pregnancy,

and Karen Frick
went into a depression

because her parents
got a divorce!

I am walkin' on air!
[ Laughs ]

Whoo! Yeah!

[ Giggles ]
Bro!

There's a keg of...

...ice cream in room 321.

Ohh, it's on!

I'll see you later.

Bye!

Wait. Wait. Wait!

Where's he going?

I thought we would
swing by the bookstore

and let him pick out a t-shirt
and take him to dinner.

Come on, Frankie.
Time to go.

You know, are you sure

that party wasn't
for the whole family?

'Cause I think he looked
at everyone when he said it.

- Frankie.
- I just...

I mean... [Sighs]

Is that it?

'Cause I have things
I wanted to tell him.

We've been telling him things
for 18 years.

If he hasn't got it yet,
he never will.

Okay.

I just... thought it would be
more of a moment, you know?

Yeah. Well, he's only
42 minutes away.

[ Sighs deeply ] Okay.

[ Clacking continues ]

Okay. Bye, Kenny.

Nice to meet you.

You boys study hard.

But not too hard.

Have some fun, too. That's what
college is all about.

Your whole life is waiting.

And remember,

you can't discover new lands
without leaving the shore.

That was on "Oprah."
Or in the Bible.

Anyway, don't be afraid
to try new things.

But not drugs.

And you shouldn't
eat mayonnaise

if it's been sitting out
for more than two hours.

[ Clacking continues ]

[ Crying ]
This is just so hard.

Mike: I know.

It's hard to say goodbye
to Kenny.

[ Sniffles ]
Let's go.

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

Ohh.

[ Cellphone clatters ]

Okay, that's it.

This thing is mine.

I completely get it, dad.

Smartest decision you've made
all day.

[ Car doors close ]

Brick, this isn't even
your phone.

Where'd you get this?

[ Sighs ]
[ Door closes ]

Axl: Where were you?!

I'm starving! There's, like,
nothing in the cabinets.

Axl? What are you doing here?

We're having a luau
in my room tonight,

and I forgot my guitar,
so I quick swung back to get it.

Oh, come on!

You didn't supersize the fries?

What is wrong with you people?

Oh, and, mom, seriously,
you've got to go shopping.

Oh, God.
He's only 42 minutes away.

Sue: No!
[ Chuckles ]

[ Sue and Axl
arguing indistinctly ]

Yep.

[ All talking at once ]