The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Middle - full transcript

(Crows caw)

(Frankie) Raising kids--

it seems to go by
in the blink of an eye.

But it's all worth it
'cause you know someday

they're gonna grow up and be...

Why are you lurking
outside my door?

God, it's like you're stalking me!
(Clatter)

Awful.
(Sighs)

Ugh. Is it me,
or is Axl being a bigger jerk

than usual lately?

I don't know.



Seems like about the normal
amount of jerk to me.

No, I'm serious, Mike.
He's been horrible to me.

I'm just trying to get
some answers out of him

about his graduation party,
and he's all, like...

(Mocking voice)
"What's with you?

"Stop stalking me.
If it bugs you so much,

why don't you flush it?"

I don't know how much more
I can take.

And look around this place. I got a high
tolerance for pain. (Bottles rattle)

Hmm. Hey, Brick,

I got a notice from the school.
(Water running)

You gotta collect all your stuff
from the Lost and Found

by the end of the week,

or they're gonna donate it
to the poor.



Get my stuff, Brick.
I want my stuff back.

Hmm. I don't recall
losing anything.

What kind of stuff
are we talking about?

Huh. A lunch box,
an IU sweatshirt,

a winter jacket, a rain jacket,
the Donahues' jacket,

the good flashlight,
the bad flashlight,

a bubble umbrella,
and I'm gonna be conservative

and say, oh,
20 pairs of mittens.

Huh.

Since you know exactly
what's missing,

maybe you should go. You really
seem to have a handle on this.

(Sighs)

Excuse me, everyone.

As you know, I'm taking
my driver's exam on Friday,

and since the sixth time
is the charm,

I would like to make our last
week on the bus together

a week to remember,
and I would like to kick it off

by having my bus buddies,
AKA you guys,

sign my yearbook. Yeah?

Yep, it was the end of an era,

'cause for Sue,
the bus wasn't just the bus.

It was a rolling
yellow memory making machine.

Thanks, guys.
I'm really gonna cherish this.

Ha ha. Very funny, guys.

I hope not having lunch today
was worth that prank.

(Chuckles) Looks like
somebody really struck it rich

at the Lost and Found.

You're Brick Heck, right?
You're the class historian.

- Am I?
- He was.

So... how is your slide show
coming along?

Since I'm the vice principal,
that's kind of my baby.

Slide show?

Well, you know,
for the final assembly,

when the historian presents
his big presentation.

Why do you think you've been
taking all those pictures

for the past four years?

For the assembly, of course.

That's exactly why I've been
taking all those pictures,

which I definitely did do,
by the way.

Now remember, dear,
your photo montage

should be poignant
and heartfelt.

We've allotted 15 minutes,

but you can go a full 20
if you need to.

Oh, good. That takes
some of the pressure off.

Really looking forward to it.

Oh, good, you're home.
I... (Sighs)

I need you to give me
some answers

about your graduation party.

Oh, you still talking
about that?

(Scoffs)
Yes, I am, because you won't.

(Bottles rattle) So how many of your
friends do you think will be coming?

Unknown.

- Will Sean and Darrin wanna
bring their parents? - Unknown.

What about food and drinks?

"Un" and "known."

Well, can it be known?

Can you give me maybe
one second of your attention

so that I can know
some of this stuff?

(Groans) Look, your graduation
is a big deal, Axl.

It wasn't exactly breezy
getting you

through four years
of high school,

and we would like
to celebrate it.

Fine.
Whatever you want.

No, it's not whatever I want.
It's whatever you want.

Ho ho ho! That's hilarious.
This is not what I want.

I just wanna hang out
with my friends.

I don't even want a party.

You wanna give me what I want?
How about a car?

(Dog barking in distance)
(Sighs)

(Mouth full) Oh, my God.
She's here again.

Don't shut the door in my face,

and don't call me "she."

You're female, are you not?

What am I supposed
to call you? God!

We are not finished here, Axl.

I literally need just
two minutes of your time.

I don't think
that's too much to ask.

Actually, it is. I'm already late
for Darrin's party. (Spraying)

(Coughs) And I wanna get there

before all the jell-o sh... alad is gone.
(Can clatters)

Look, I'll be home by 11:30.
We can talk about it then.

Fine. I will be waiting
for you right here

- at exactly 11:30, and I
expect you to be here. - I will.

With your full attention.

My full attention.

And no jell-o
on your breath.

11:30. I want you
to give me your word.

Fine. You have my word.

(Door closes)

I'm just gonna say it

'cause it might help others
in the future.

(Vehicle passes) A teenager's
word doesn't mean squat.

It was midnight,
and still no sign of Axl.

Hey, mom, quick thing.

I need you to take about
200 pictures of my classmates

and set them to music
in a slide show.

It should be touching
but not schmaltzy,

funny, but without
trying too hard.

And if you could have it ready
Friday morning by 10:00,

that'd be great.
11:00 at the latest. Night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Brick.

How long have you known
about this?

What's today? Thursday?

About... four years.

- Brick!
- It's not my fault.

They should have voted
for Jay Gold.

I got elected based
on one good speech

and didn't have the skills
to back it up.

It's really what's wrong
with politics.

I'm sorry, Brick,
but you're gonna have to

figure this one out on your own,
'cause I'm over it.

I'm done getting in the middle
of my kids' lives.

Hey, where are you going?

Unknown.

53 times without stopping.

What, you don't believe me?
Hmm? I'll do it right now.

Someone give me two straws.

(Chuckles)
I'm telling you. (Laughs)

♪

Dude.

Somebody in our family
better be dead right now,

and not some weird cousin
I've never met.

I'm talking dad, Brick, or Sue.

Nobody's dead, but if you
don't get in my car right now,

it can be arranged.

Just go, please, and I'll meet
you outside in three minutes.

(Whispers) - I promise.
- Yeah.

You already promised
to be home by 11:30,

so I think the promise ship
has sailed. Hi, Sean.

Oh! (Grunts)

You don't wanna do this, mom,
seriously.

This is the most embarrassing
thing any parent

has ever done, ever.

You sure about that?

Ooh. I like this song.

What are you doing?

I don't know. This groove
kinda makes me feel like...

gettin' down.

Mom, no.
Don't do this to me.

This is my last high school
party. I can't end like this.

Darrin!
(Laughter)

No! No!

(Laughing and murmuring)

(Sniffs)

You are the worst mother ever!

Oh, tell me something
I don't know.

Do you know how many years
of cool you just erased

with your stupid
mama pajama dance?

Hey, I thought very hard
before I pulled that rip cord,

but it's the only weapon
I have left.

You know, you have been
impossible lately.

Maybe you should stop trying
to boss me around all the time

and talk to me like a person.

What?! All I've been
trying to do is talk to you,

and you just keep running away.

You gave me your word that
you would be home an hour ago.

"I'm Axl. I just give
people my word

without even thinking
about what it means."

Oh, we're doing
impressions now? Hmm?

Okay. "I'm mom.
Uh, I never stop talking,

and I'm in your face
24 hours a day."

All right, that's it.
I'm sick of your attitude!

- Get out of my sight!
- Fine!

Don't you walk away from me!

Oh, my God! She's nuts.
She's totally nuts!

I told you
not to call me "she."

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Break it up.

You, in your room.
You, in the kitchen.

Whoa, hey. (Stammers)
This is not my fault.

Mom's freaking out on me
for no reason.

I'm freaking out
for a very good reason.

He is making me freak out,
and I'm not freaking out.

Look, I don't know
what's going on here,

but I know I gotta side
with her, so go.

Hey. Wha-- uh... ugh!

(Sighs) I am going to
kill him, I tell you!

(Door slams)
I'm gonna kill him.

Just relax. He's not
gonna be here much longer.

Then I'll have to act fast,
won't I?

I can't stand him, Mike.
I just hate his stupid face.

I swear to God,
when he goes off to college,

I'm not even gonna miss him.

(Sighs) Look, all this
fighting is just nature's way

of helping you guys deal
with the fact he's leaving.

You think mama birds push
their babies out of the nest

to help 'em fly?
Maybe they're just sick of 'em.

Trust me, Frankie. It's
the natural order of things.

It's why you guys
have been annoying each other

so much lately.

- I'm not doing anything.
I'm being great. It's him. - Uh-huh.

Are you in your pajamas
with your coat on?

I was cold, and I thought
we were hating him right now.

He... is a bad, bad child,

and you are a wonderful mother.

Thank you.

I would just like
to remind everyone

that today is going to be
our final ride together,

and to thank you guys
for all the good times we had,

I baked some
peanut butter cookies

'cause I know
someone on this bus

really likes peanut butter.

Ha ha.

And if you guys would like
to thank me

with a round of
"For She's A Jolly Good Fellow,"

let's just say
I would not hate that.

Why don't I just get it started?

♪ For she's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for she's a... jolly... ♪

You know, I have tried and tried
with you guys all year.

But you guys have no bus spirit.

And you know what?
I am a jolly good fellow.

You guys aren't.
You're bad fellows!

Yes, Brian?

I think I speak for all of us
when I say

please pass that test.

(Chanting) Past that test!

(Students join in)
Pass that test!

Pass that test! Pass that test!

Pass that test! Pass that test!
Pass that test!

(School bell rings)

Ahem.

Hi there, Brick.

How's my favorite
class historian doing?

Actually, there's been
a little hiccup

with the photo montage,
but the good news is,

you'll have an extra 15 minutes
to play with at the assembly.

Oh, well,
these things happen. (Chuckles)

Oh, I knew you'd understand.

But they don't happen to me.
Now you listen to me.

And you listen good,
you little punk.

You're gonna do the job you were
elected to do four years ago,

or I will turn you inside out
and wear you like a hat.

Ha. I know everyone thinks
the vice principal's a joke.

I hear the whispers.

I don't like it when people
whisper about me, Brick.

Got it?

Got it.
(Whispers) Got it.

(Gasps, normal voice) Sorry!
(Whispers) Sorry.

(Normal voice)
I can't stop whispering!

(Whispers) - Whispering.
- This photo montage is the only thing

the Principal doesn't have
her stinkin' paws all over,

and if you mess it up,

I will make your life
a living hell.

I have connections
in middle school,

and I can make sure you get
the smelliest locker

and the meanest teachers

and extra gym.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

(School bell rings)
Well, anyway,

I can't wait to see
your presentation, dear.

(Clicks teeth)

Now remember, Sue,
this is just like a car,

only much bigger
and harder to drive.

Why did Axl have
to take your car?

What if I fail again?

I cannot get back
on that bus, dad.

Sue, listen to me.

You have screwed up
this driving test so many ways,

I can't think of another mistake
you could possibly make.

Aw! Thanks for the pep talk,
dad.

Okay. Let's do this!

Whoo! (Makes whooshing sounds)

Sue Heck.

(Exhales deeply)

(Amplified voice)
And now with no further ado,

your class historian,
Brick Heck,

will take you
on a magical, musical journey

of your years
at Orson Elementary.

Brick?

(Under breath) You better
blow the doors off this place.

(Exhales deeply)

(Amplified voice) Memories.

(Click)

I could show you all

pictures of your time here
at Orson Elementary,

but those would be my memories,
not yours.

So instead, I invite you
to close your eyes

and picture your own memories.

(Click)

Remember the field trip
to the Indiana Dunes

in second grade?

I don't, but maybe you do.

Maybe you had a great time.

(Click)

What about the time that you

and your friend
and your other friend

locked arms on the playground?

Boy, you guys are close.

(Click)

And now sit back and enjoy
a musical montage

of all your best memories,
artfully put together

in your own imagination,
while I hum the tune

to the appropriate,
if not overused,

graduation anthem,
"We Are Young" by Fun.

(Humming "We Are Young")

(Clicking)

(Students giggling)

Who is that?

Did we vote for him?

He's weird.

So Brick left elementary school
with his reputation intact.

(Click, Brick stops humming)

- Nailed it.
- This isn't over.

I will hunt you like a dog
in the street.

Well, wasn't that delightful?
(Clapping hands)

And now Mimi Millhauser
on the flutophone.

Okay, Sue, in about a half mile,
you're gonna wanna take--

I know. Take a right
at the stop sign,

a left by the yellow house
with the apple tree in the yard,

then bring it down
to 25 miles an hour

for the school zone.

This is not my first barbecue.

Nice signal.

And... nice turn.

Only six blocks to go,
and Sue was doing great.

Maybe it was all
her experience paying off.

Maybe it was bobblehead Jesus.

But of course, Sue being Sue...

(Horn honks) (Gasps)

(Pants) Windshield obstructed.

Activating wipers.

Peripheral vision compromised.

I really think we should stop.

Don't worry. I got this.

Whoa-oh.

- Watch out!
- No choice but to go through!

(Tires screeching) Oh, God.

Mattress! Oh!

It's okay!
I can still see!

For the love of God, pull over!
I have children!

No! I only have
two blocks left!

(Bang, rattling) Pothole.

Not a problem!

(Siren wailing)

Page 47 in the manual--

how to stay calm
in a hazardous situation!

(Tires screech)

(Brakes squeal)

(Shifts gears)

I've been doing this for 30 years.
(Turns off engine)

(Sighs) And that was the single
greatest piece of driving

I have ever seen.

Congratulations, Sue Heck.
You passed.

(Gasps) Aah!

(Screaming and laughing)

(Continues screaming)

Axl, come on! Let's go!
I wanna get a good seat.

(Axl) I'm coming. God!

Did I mention
that the examiner said

it was the single greatest
piece of driving he's ever seen?

- I'm sure you did great, honey.
- Yeah.

She did do great.
Sue, you're an excellent driver.

(Gasps) Can I drive the family
to graduation?

Absolutely not.

No, no, no, no, no. Unh-unh.

- What? - You're not wearing
white socks with dress pants.

Go change.

Why?

Because you're gonna be onstage,
and everybody'll see 'em,

and it looks ridiculous.

Nobody's gonna be looking
at my socks. Let's just go!

Come on. Brick's waiting
in the car. Let's go.

Axl, I am serious.
Go put on some black socks.

Why do you even care about this?
They're my feet.

The doctor pulled you out of me
with those feet,

so I think I have some say.

Look...
now put these on.

Make me.
(Thud)

You are not leaving this house.
Don't you dare leave this house!

Oh, my God.
What are you doing?

Change... your... socks!

Oh!
(Grunting)

All right, if you're not
gonna change 'em, I will.

- Hey! You can't do this! - Give me that.
Take your-- get your shoes off.

- Get your shoe off.
- Aah! No.

I'm telling you,
you're changing those socks!

No! Never!

- Never!
- Get back here.

Ohh!

- Aah!
- Uhh!

You are not going anywhere
in those socks!

Aah! You're hurting me!
You're hurting your son!

We are civilized people.

(Mouth full)
There are rules to society,

and you're gonna learn 'em,
damn it!

She's crazy!
Your wife is crazy!

Should've put a fence around
this place a long time ago.

(Both grunting)

No!

Where do you think
you're goin'?

I'm getting a ride
to graduation with the Donahues!

Fine!
Maybe we won't even go!

So we're not going?

Oh, we're goin'. I need to
make sure he's really leaving.

(Amplified voice) As we say
good-bye to high school,

we look ahead
to the next chapter of our lives

and the adventures
it will bring--

college, jobs, travel...

Hey, that guy's wearing
white socks just like Axl's.

Matter of fact, a lot of people
are wearing white socks.

White socks, white socks,
flip-flops.

We get it, Brick.

(Cassidy) So in closing,
I just wanna say

even though
I'm a pretty cynical person,

I'm really gonna miss
this place.

As Shel Silverstein wrote,

"There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part.

So just give me a happy middle
and a very happy start."

And thanks to all of you

for giving me
a very happy start here.

(Boy) Whoo!

(Cheering)

(Exhales deeply)

(Man whistles)

(Principal Cameron, amplified voice)
Thomas Halverson.

Yeah.

(Boy) - Whoo.
- That was a squeaker, wasn't it?

Yeah. Julie Harris. Yeah.

Good luck with the baby.
Last one.

Robert Hatfield.

All right. You behave tonight,
Robert. You behave.

Elizabeth Hayworth.
(Man whistles)

Here you go.

As I watched my first son

about to become
a high school graduate,

I realized that Mike was right.

There is a natural order
to things,

and by the time they go, you're ready.
(Shutter clicks)

- Axl Heck.
(Boy) - Whoo!

(Voice breaking) I'm not ready!

(Sobbing)

(Principal Cameron) - Brian Hedberg.
(Sobbing) - Oh, no.

(Principal Cameron)
Good luck at computer school.

I'm not ready! (Sobbing)

Mark Hef--

(Frankie sobbing loudly)

(Principal Cameron)
Mark Hefferman.

(Crying)
Jessica--

(Sobbing loudly)

Sarah Humphreys.

(Continues sobbing)
(Mouths words)

(Mouths words)

(Continues sobbing)

Well, you said
it was impossible

for me to miss 32 days
of senior year

and still graduate.

Now who seems like the idiot?
Huh?

Hey, do you guys want me
to take a family picture?

After all,
I was class historian.

I'm thinking about running
again in middle school.

Actually, uh, could we get
a picture first

of just me and mom?

Really?

Oh. Okay.

(Sighs) (Camera shutter clicks)

Whoo! All right! Let's get
this party-started, huh?

Ha ha!

Actually, we decided to take
the money we would have spent

on a party and get you something
you really wanted.

Happy graduation.
(Jangle)

(Gasps) Oh, my God!

It's got an engine
and everything?

For 200 bucks, it better.

(Chuckles) Oh! (Laughs)

Ohh!

Wait. So wait.
Seriously, there's no party?

Nope.

So... can I go hang out
with my friends?

(Sighs)

(Whispers) Go.

This day just keeps getting
more awesome. Ha ha ha!

I love you guys! Ha ha!

(Engine starts)

(Tires screech) Mom, since there's
no party, would it be okay

if I went over to Carly's
and showed her my license?

Please? I have been waiting
for this day for so long.

(Exhales deeply) Sure.

Aah! (Laughs)

(Sighs)

(Car door opens and closes)

Never leave me.
(Engine starts)

Don't worry. I won't.
(Whispers) Worry.

(Normal voice) Whoop!

Yep, all the work that goes
into raising a kid--

the heartache, the laughter,
the worry, the tears--

it really does go by
in the blink of an eye.

And all those
annoying little things

that seemed so important--

who even remembers
what they were?