The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Middle - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie:
Out here in the Middle,

we're used to having things
sprung on us--

tornadoes, floods, locusts.

But some things
you never see coming.

I'm having five friends over
after school today.

What?

You're having
five friends over?

- You have five friends?
- Yep.

For the past few months,

we've gotten to be
a pretty tight-knit group.



We share a lot
of the same interests.

I thought you always wanted me
to have friends over.

These are people, right?

Not bugs.

Yeah, people.

No, it's-- it's great, Brick.

It's-- it's just that,
you know, the house isn't clean.

Well, if we have to wait
for that...

No, I just meant that, you know,
if we're having people over,

I just would like to be
a little more organized.

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Sue:
No, I can't do that, Axl!

I cannot miss morning
announcements.

- Mom.
Axl: - One thing!



I ask you to do one thing!

Okay, knock it off!

Stop fighting
with your brother.

Where is your brother?

I'm right here.

I got class at 9:00,

and Sue won't help me
find my psych notes.

I must have left them there
last time I was home

gracing you people
with my glorious presence.

Everyone is not here
just to serve you, Axl.

Oh, mom, I need you to move

my orthodontist appointment
on Friday

so I can go to the county fair
with Darrin.

His uncle is entering
his prized pig in the contest.

Won't his uncle be mad

when you went to the contest
and beat him?

Shut up, Axl! Mom!

Fine,
I'll move the appointment.

- Mom.
- Oh, and it can't be Wednesday.

That's when
I have my JP-La meeting.

I'm gonna need snacks
for when my friends are over.

I'm thinking a nice
cheese-and-cracker platter

with bologna rolls lined around
the side for presentation.

It's important to feed the eyes,
as well as the body.

But do mine first.

What are you doing?

Oh, Dr. Goodwin wants coffee
for the waiting room.

I told him I'd bring this in,
but I keep forgetting it.

Does he want you to clean it
with a toilet brush?

Relax, this is brand-new
I bought specifically for this.

Yeah, I...

[ Sniffs ] Yeah.

Tick-tock, people.
My notes?!

Hello?! Come on.

What, Axl? What exactly
are you looking for?

Just walk me around.
I'll know it when I see it.

Oh, and for the crackers,
nothing with seeds.

Are you writing this down?

Nope. Nope.

Man, this place is a mess.

And write down to remember
to switch my appointment,

but not before 3:30.

Got it. Got it.
Crackers, seeds, 3:30.

Oh, that's it!

Right there,
under the doughnuts.

Now read them to me.

Axl, I am not going to read you
your notes.

- I've got to get to work.
- Oh, my God!

I'm finally giving it my all

and doing solid,
C-level work here,

and you're just gonna
abandon me?!

- Nice cyber-parenting, mom!
- [ Stammers ]

It's not like I could read
any of this stuff, anyway.

It's just drawings of dragons
and random woman-fish combos.

Well, then,
you're gonna have to go down

to the copy place
and fax them to me.

No, you know what, Axl?

You're the one
who left his notes.

You shouldn't be rewarded
for it.

It's your responsibility,
not mine.

[ Groans ]

I'll fax them
when I get to work.

Frankie: Now that they were
officially dating,

Sue and Darrin were seeing
a lot more of each other...

...which meant
we were also seeing

a lot more of Sue and Darrin.

Oh, my God, Darrin.
You have crazy-long eyelashes.

Oh, no, they're not so long.

No, they are.
Look at them!

[ Laughs ]
You can't look at your own eyes.

[ Laughs ]

I love how you scrunch your nose
when you laugh.

[ Volume increases ]
You have the cutest laugh.

I do not. [ Laughs ]

Yes, you do.

Stop. [ Laughs ]

I'm serious.
It's adorable.

He's got crazy-long eyelashes,
and you've got the cutest laugh.

There. It's settled.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Stolen, Mike--
my car was stolen.

Why would somebody steal
our crappy car?

Probably for parts

'cause nobody would want
that thing as a whole.

I mean, I go outside, and gone.

The car is gone.

Yep, going to church every
Sunday's really paying off.

Axl: Hey, if I find it,
can I have it?

No.

What are you doing here?

My clock broke,
and I'm about to take a nap,

so I need you guys
to wake me in an hour.

- Goodbye, Axl.
- No, don't--

I mean,
what kind of place is this

where you go outside
and somebody steals

your old, crappy car
in the middle of the day?

Are we gonna have to move
to a smaller town?

'Cause I at least need
a liquor store

with self-serve yogurt.

All right, look, I'll check in
with the police again

and call insurance
and see what we can get for it.

Oh, tell them I left

a brand-new bag of cookies
on the front seat.

Could go to motive.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Brick:
My friends are here.

Oh, crap. Now?!

Come on in, ladies.
Watch your step.

- Oh, aren't you a dear?
- What a sharp-looking shirt.

Brick:
Mom, I'd like you to meet

Violet, Opal Ruth,
Sparkle, Helen, and Myrtle.

Very nice to meet you.

Hey, Brick, can I talk to you
for a minute?

- Mm-hmm. I'll be right in.
- Okay.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Woman: Any room?

When you told me
you were having friends over,

did you think
there was anything special

you should mention
about your friends?

Oh, right.

Helen just lost her husband,

so don't play any Duke Ellington
in the house.

Ah.

Anything else, like,

oh, I don't know,
they're a thousand?

Sorry.

They were renovating the
conference room at the library,

so I told the gals
we could have book club here.

Speaking of which,
how are we doing on the snacks?

Not well, Brick.

Did you not hear
my car got stolen?

Look, if you forgot,
just say you forgot.

[ Sighs ]

- See you, Frankie.
- Have a good night, Tina.

Thanks, you too.

- Oh, hey, you need a ride?
- No, I'm good.

My neighbor's coming to get me.

People really rally around you
when your car gets stolen.

Oh, you didn't hear?

Last week, right here
from this parking lot

in broad daylight.

I mean, it's just so shocking

that something like this
would happen.

I can't believe
someone would steal my car.

You mean the blue one
with the scratch on the side?

Mm-hmm.

It's in the back.

It's been parked there
all week.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh. Right.

D-A-R-- Darrin.

Sue: Ohh,
you're so good at this!

Thanks.

It's funny 'cause I'm
a terrible real speller

but a really good arm speller.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

[ Laughs ]

I know we said
no boys in the bedroom,

but maybe we should rethink it

'cause I got to get him
out of my family room.

Maybe if Sue
leaves the door open?

[ Chuckles ]

What?

Oh, it's just...
I have the funniest story.

I-- You are
not gonna believe this,

but, um, my car has been found.

It has been retrieved.

Really?!

That's great!
They caught the guy?

Well, kind of.

Uh, this is
actually the funny part

that is also a really good sign
for humanity, actually?

Um, it was never stolen.

I just left it
in the back and forgot.

[ Laughs ]
[ Bottle opens ]

- What?
- [ Sighs ]

It's not my fault, Mike.

It wasn't where
I usually park it.

See, I just pulled
around the back

to drop off the coffee urn,

which was not part
of my usual routine.

Are you kidding?
It's been there the whole week?

How could you not know
where you parked your car?

'Cause I always park
in the front.

Axl: Oh, my God.
That is hilarious.

Why are you here again, Axl?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Wait, what happened?

Oh, good.
Did you find your car?

Who stole it?

It was an inside job--
very inside.

I don't think it matters
who stole it

or if it got stolen
or what happened.

The important thing
is we got it back

and people are good at heart.

I mean, that's what
we should be focusing on.

So you're telling me
I spent every lunch this week

filing police reports and
digging out insurance papers,

and you just forgot
where you parked it?

That's mom for you!

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, my God.
You forget everything.

- I do not.
- Really?

How about the time
you couldn't find your phone,

and it turns out
you were just talking on it.

He's right, mom.
You did do that.

Movies!

She can never remember the
names of any movies she sees.

That is completely untrue.
Mike, tell them.

We were just talking
about movies yesterday.

"The one with the actress

who adopted
the African-American baby,

but not Charlize Theron,
the one before her"

is not technically the name
of a movie.

Face it, dad.

Her brain's cheese.

Maybe she should get
a CAT scan.

I am not getting a CAT scan.

Oh, actually, mom,
that's not a bad idea.

Last week,
you left the groceries

on the stoop all night long.

From what Myrtle says
about her sister, Edna,

once they start, it's
a slippery slope till they go.

- Hmm.
- Oh, my God. That'll be so sad.

- Dad's gonna fall apart.
- I'll be all right.

Yeah, dad'll be fine.

I know some lovely widows that
would be all over that action.

He's not going for one
of your bitties, Brick.

He's gonna have a lot
of options.

[ Gasps ] Ooh!

Maybe he'll bring in someone
to take care of us,

and then he'll fall in love
with her

like Maria
in "The Sound Of Music."

And, hey, maybe she'll actually
be able to cook.

Our bodies would probably go
into shock at first,

but then it it would be great.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, that's enough.

Frankie, even if your mind
is totally shot,

I promise
I'm not marrying anybody.

I'm probably just gonna want
to date around for a while.

[ Laughter ]

Frankie: So while everyone
was all over me,

Mike made it his job

to make sure
no one was all over Sue.

[ Sue laughs ]

He lifted the ban
against boys in Sue's room

on the one condition
that her door stay open.

[ Sue laughs ]

The only problem
with an open door

is you could hear everything.

You want me
to tickle your arm again?

Darrin:
No, I got a new game.

And the only thing worse
than hearing everything

is not hearing anything.

Oh, I love crazy eights.

But I've never played it
that way before.

That's it.
No boys in the bedroom.

Okay, guys, hit the couch.

I am calling a family meeting.

[ Groans ]
What am I even doing here?

I'm barely even a part
of this family.

Frankie: Um, I have an empty
fridge and a clogged toilet

that says otherwise.

Okay, here's the thing--
I've had an epiphany.

[ All groan ]

Let me guess-- you're old
and your life isn't fulfilling.

You're taking back the house.

There's gonna be major changes.

You're not gonna yell anymore.

You're losing them, Frankie.

Look, the reason I wanted
to talk to you is

because although presented
in a way

that was not entirely kind,

I do think you guys brought up

some interesting points
the other day.

I mean,
I have been losing it lately.

I can't remember things
the way I used to.

And the reason
that I can't remember squat

is because of you people.

My brain can't think
its own thoughts

because it's got
all your crap in there

crowding out all the space.

There's an elephant
in the room,

and its name is menopause.

[ Sighs ]

I have to keep track of
your orthodontist appointments

and you need your notes faxed

and can I please buy
your old-lady snacks

and, "Frankie, remind me.

We got to pay that whatever
by Friday."

I'm tired of being
your junk drawer.

You people
have perfectly good brains

capable of storing
your own information,

and instead,
you dump it all into mine

and it fills and it fills and
it crowds out all my thoughts

and that's how
I end up losing my car.

- Hey, don't lump me in with them.
- Oh, you're lumped.

Look, the point is,
it's not working anymore.

It's not working for me,
and it's not working for you.

And that's why
I'm establishing office hours.

- What's office hours? - Huh?
- What does that even mean?

Frankie:
It means that from now on,

every day
between 5:00 and 6:00,

I will be sitting
at the kitchen table

with my undivided attention
waiting to hear

whatever crap
you kids need from me.

So if you need
something signed,

a check written,
a schedule changed,

that would be the time
to calmly make that request--

not screaming it at me as
I'm running out of the house,

or slipping a note
under the bathroom door

while I'm on the toilet.

So we're not allowed
to talk to you at all

unless it's between
5:00 and 6:00?

Well, that would probably be
more of a phase-two thing,

but I like
the way you're thinking.

Frankie: Yep, I've had some
low-grade, B-level epiphanies before,

but I got to say, I knocked
this one out of the park.

And I need you to move
my scoliosis appointment

on the 15th.

Brad and I are offering
a free self-esteem workshop

after school that day.

"Don't listen to the crowd.
You're great."

Hmm. Okay.

Moving scoliosis appointment.

Anything else?

Yes, on Tuesday,
I'm gonna need a ride

to visit Sparkle
in the hospital.

Bless her heart,
she's getting her fourth knee.

Ohh.
Ride on Tuesday. Got it.

Is that all?

No.
I also need a check.

Me and Hutch found this awesome
apartment for next year.

Sue: And don't forget
I need you to sign

my application
for Miss Teen Orson.

Fingers crossed.

I inadvertently chewed
a girl's hair,

so you might be getting a call
from my teacher about that.

Did you guys take out
a credit card in my name?

We did it as Axl J Heck,
so you should be fine.

We're not morons.
What else do you need?

Index cards.

More underwear.

Italian wedding cookies.

[ Car horn honks ]

Well, that's my ride

to the Kay Kyser
Big Band Experience.

Oh, don't wait up.

We might stop afterwards
and get a little nosh.

Mike.
I came into the kitchen.

Yes. I can see that.

And do you know why?
'Cause I do.

I am here to get a screwdriver,

and I know
what I'm gonna do with it.

I'm gonna use it to pry out

that wad of q-tips
from the bathroom drawer.

Hmm.

My locker combination
from junior high-- 23-42-7.

The first actress that adopted
the cute African-American baby

was, oh, yeah, Sandra Bullock.

? I'm all out of love ?

? I'm so lost without you ?

Whoo!
I know all the lyrics now.

Ohh, my brain is mine again,
Mike-- mine.

You have no idea
how freeing this is.

Are you sure they're okay
in the basement together?

I threw a tennis ball down
the stairs to scare them,

but what else can we do?

- What?
- Sue and Darrin.

They're downstairs.

Are we sure
this is such a great idea?

Well, you didn't want them
in the family room.

You didn't want them
in Sue's room.

Where else
are they supposed to go?

I don't know.
I don't like it, Frankie.

Look, you're the one

that was all worked up
about Sue and Darrin.

Now all of a sudden,
you're not?

I don't know
what to tell you Mike.

Maybe it's just
with my mind clear,

I'm feeling more zen
about the whole thing.

I'm just more centered now.

Well, you're definitely
more annoying.

Well...

- [ Gasps ]
- What?

[ Gasps ]

- Let go!
- I'm trying!

You're ruining
my favorite sweater!

Stupid swatch!

Huh?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Help!

Darrin: Oh.

Hey, Mr. Heck.

Upstairs. Now.

Listen, sir, I know
that may have looked bad,

but I want you to know
that I have

the utmost respect
for your daughter.

Well, not just her,
but you, too.

I mean, the reason
I come here so much

is because you make me feel
so comfortable.

Then that's my fault
if I've given you

any impression that you
should feel comfortable.

Here's what you need to know
about you and me.

Think of it like a soccer game.

You're a player.
I'm the goalkeeper.

You can't use your hands.

I only play defense.

I'm the world's best
goalkeeper,

and I'm gonna do
everything I can to stop you.

Bottom line--
you will not be scoring on me.

Got it?

I understand
what you're saying, sir.

I guess I just want you to know
that I care a lot about Sue

and that I would never do
anything to hurt her

and that you can trust me.

[ Sighs ]

Here's all I need to know
about you, Darrin--

you're 19 and a male.

I will never trust you.

Actually, I'm 20.

I skipped a grade.

That's the one where
you repeat a year, right?

No, that's getting held back.

Oh, yeah.
That's the one I did.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry.
Sorry I'm late.

Whoo.

Shoot.

Well, after months
of reading about clubs,

wives, and counties,
the book club is finally reading

something I recommended--
"Planet Nowhere."

Your meter's running, Brick.
What do you need?

Well,
I thought it would be fun,

as part
of our follow-up discussion,

if I made Silligan noses
for everyone to wear.

So can you scoot me over
to the fabric store?

Sue: Mom,
you have to talk to dad.

He is being ridiculous.

He yelled at my boyfriend

when we weren't
even doing anything.

Axl: Hey, what I have to say

is way more important
than whatever they're saying.

- Axl, it is not your turn!
- I was here first.

I'm screwed out
of my apartment thanks to you.

What?
What are you talking about?

The landlord told me
this morning

he needed a deposit
by 3:00 today,

but I couldn't talk to you
until 5:00

'cause of your stupid
office hours.

And it was
above a tanning salon.

Way to go, mom!

Axl, that is ridiculous.

If you needed that check
by 3:00,

you should have called me
and told me.

But that's not what you said.

You said we could only talk
to you during office hours.

- You keep changing the rules.
- I'm not changing the rules.

Obviously,
if there's a real problem,

I will deal with it
outside of office hours.

Well, how are we
supposed to know that?

- Face it, this is all your fault!
- It is not my fault!

Axl, you are old enough
to realize that--

You know what?
Forget it.

I'm done.
The office is closed.

- No.
- No, mom, wait, wait!

Sue, pick me up and follow her!
I need to talk to mom!

- Ohh, I'll pay you 10 bucks.
- Fine!

But that's on top of the $20
you already owe me

from serving you dinner
in the bathtub.

Mom, the least you could do
is buy me a car

'cause I guess
I'll be living in it!

Stop following me,
Axl-- I mean, Sue.

Hello? I don't think I got a
firm answer on the fabric store.

And I never got an answer if
you're gonna talk to dad or not.

You know, Axl had girls
over all the time,

and he never confronted them.

Axl, tell her. Tell her!
Tell her. Tell her!

Okay, everybody just needs to
calm down and give me a minute.

No, no, no.
This is our time now.

You can't take
one of our minutes.

Come on, mom. Silligan noses
don't grow on trees.

Actually,
they do in one book, but--

Mom, mom, just ignore
these losers and listen to me!

Axl, stop interrupting!

Okay, Axl, you know what?
I am done with this.

Here, I am not carrying you
anymore. Brick, you carry him.

I don't want to carry him.

- I need everybody--
- Ohh!

[ Crashes ]

Dad?

Can I talk to you a sec?

Okay.

I want to know
what you said to Darrin.

What I had to say to Darrin
is between me and Darrin.

When Axl was dating Cassidy,

did you talk to Cassidy
and not tell Axl?

That was different.

How?

Look, Sue,

there are just certain...
types of situations

that I'm trying
to help you avoid.

Like what types of situations?

- I don't know. Just stuff.
- What stuff?

I don't know.
Just stuff.

Look, dad,
if this is about kissing,

Darrin and I
are going to kiss, okay?

That is what boyfriends
and girlfriends do.

I know that.

That-- that-- that's not the
stuff that I'm talking about.

Then what stuff?

What else
do you think I would do?

Oh!

Oh! My God!

Dad!

Do you even know me at all?

No.
That is not happening!

I am not ready for that.

Oh, okay.

Well, good, then.

And by the way,
when it does eventually happen,

it is not going to be
in a basement.

It is going to be in front
of a beautiful, roaring fire

and a Christmas tree.

Ah... don't need the details.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Look, Sue, um...

I'm just flying by the seat
of my pants here, okay?

I didn't have any sisters
or anything, and, uh...

I guess whenever I thought
of being a dad,

I didn't think of being
a dad to a girl, so...

I guess I'm saying
I'm gonna make mistakes,

but I'm not gonna apologize

for protecting my daughter,
okay?

I'm-- I'm just not.

Aw.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, dad, I'm okay.

I know you are.

It's me I'm kind of
worried about.

Yeah, I know I'm late
with the deposit,

but if I drive up there
after work,

is there any chance
that you would still accept it?

They're such great boys--
so reliable and respectful.

You're really gonna want them
in your apartment.

Yeah, sure. I'll hold.

Hey, Mike.

I'm writing an e-mail
to the school

to try to get Sue a new laptop.

How does this sound?

"So, as I pushed the woman
out of the path

of the oncoming bus..."

I think you used that for Axl's
busted yearbook camera.

I did?

Ohh, no!

It's all slipping away!

The-- the clarity,
the clear mind.

Mike, listen to me,
there's Easter decorations

I bought last year on sale
in the bottom of the closet.

Don't let me forget.
What else? Think. Think.

Oh, no. It's gone.

It's all gone!

It was such a good system.
It should have worked.

See you on the other side,
Frankie.

[ Sighs ]
Oh, crap, I'm late for work.

Frankie: Yep, there's
no such thing as office hours

when you've got kids.

That's just how parenting is.

It's always uncomfortable.
It's often a bad time.

And it's forever.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Frankie?

What the hell
are you doing here?

[ Sighs ]

[ Microwave beeps ]
? I'm all out of love ?

[ Humming ]

Well, they don't get
"Planet Nowhere" at all.

I had to explain the
Silligans five times.

I mean, how hard is it
to understand

that their noses give them
special powers,

a precognition and
echolocation.

And don't even get
me started on Sorn.

They thought he needed
to meet someone

and settle down.

The leader of the
Vernagle Army.

Can you believe it?

I don't get it...

We have nothing in common.

It's like we are from
two different worlds!

Looks like I won't be
needing these any more.

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