The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Middle - full transcript

Mike tends to define
his life in seasons--

football season,
baseball season,

and for a brief window in May,
spelling season.

...O-U-S--
parsimonious.

Yes!

Hmm.
Looking good, guys.

I can't believe you're really
hitting the bee circuit again

after what happened last time
and the time before.

Hey, those were building years.

Brick is older
and stronger now.

Plus, since I made it
to regionals,



they let me out of gym
to study.

We're still working
on his killer instinct.

I just got off the phone
with Axl.

He's got one final left,
and then he's coming home.

He's done, Mike...

at least until September.

Possibly forever.

Well, I can't go up there
and get him.

We're in training here.

Oh.
I'm in training, too.

Ehlert Motors is having a "Hands On
A Hard Body" contest this weekend.

The last person with their hand
on the car wins it.

Can you possibly think of a more
perfect contest for me?

I mean, who has more practice
standing than me?



I mean, I stand
off to the side at dances,

in gym waiting to be picked.

I stand through half my classes

because there aren't enough
desks due to budget cuts.

We're supposed to trade off,
but nobody does.

I'm gonna win myself a car!

All right,
I got to get to work.

We'll pick this up tonight,
Brick.

Yikes, I should get to school.

Ohh! Shoot.
Rookie mistake.

Glad I got it
out of the way now.

I mean, a mistake
could happen like that!

Oh, shoot.
I did it again.

Okay, see you later.

Bye, dad.

Oh, seriously?!

Oh, morning, Mike.

Rusty?
What are you doing here?

Oh. I'm using your hose water
to brush my teeth.

Yeah, I got that.
Why?

Oh, on account I had a cavity
on my, uh, last check-up.

So I figured I shouldn't
let up on the oral hygiene

just 'cause
I'm living in my car.

Oh, man,
what are you doing that for?

You should come in.

Oh, no,
I don't want to be a bother.

If you're worried
about the neighbors,

I don't wash
any of the sensitive areas

till I know
they've all gone to work.

Done!
Last final over!

Ohh! Br-r-r!
My brain hurts so much.

Kenny, wake me in 20
so I can get my party on.

Whoo!

Whoa.

How long did I sleep?

All right,
I'm here for your room check.

Yeah, whatever, Julia.

It's Julian.

Shelves-- check.

Light bulb-- check.

Where's your desk?

I don't know.
You're the RA.

Aren't you supposed
to know where stuff is?

I have many responsibilities,

none of which include keeping up
with your belongings

that have been
solely loaned to you

for the duration
of the rental period.

Either find it,
or you're not leaving.

Man, you were so cool
at the beginning of year!

"Welcome. Let me
show you to your room."

Whatever happened to that guy?!

Rusty, oh, my gosh!

Well, don't you look good?

Oh, well, thanks.
Feel good.

Trying to take care of myself.

You look older.

Well, three kids.

So, it's been a long time.

Oh, we saw Marlene
at Thanksgiving.

She told us about the divorce.

Oh, yeah,
well, that's a long story.

She threw me out.

It was longer in my head,
but...

Rusty tells me he's been
sleeping in his car.

What? Oh, come on,
that's crazy.

Why aren't you staying
with your dad?

Doesn't he have
like 50 couches?

Oh, no, I-I don't want to be
some divorced loser

living with his dad.

I thought I'd just
pitch a tent in your backyard

and wash off in your pool.

Rusty,
we can't let you do that.

You're staying with us.

Oh, I don't want
to be a bother.

He was.

Rusty, what's all this?

Oh, this?
It's my new business.

We make NFL shower curtains.

Really?

You're making
NFL shower curtains?

You actually got permission
from the NFL?

Oh, yes, yes.

No. No.
Not officially.

It's okay, though.
I figured a way around it.

Check this out.

Huh?

"Cincinnati Begals"?

"New York Gants."

Yeah.
Nobody will notice.

It's a proven scientific fact.

Your brain will just fill in
the missing letters.

Maybe your brain.

Hey, you're the one
who made me let him stay.

You shot me that look,
and you made me feel guilty.

The look that said,

"Help, we can't
let your brother

come and stay with us"?

God, you don't know
my looks at all.

We're in agreement, okay?

It's not a great situation,

and I look forward
to dissecting it to death

when I get back,

but I can't get into it now.

I got to get sleep.

Brick and I got to be
on the road to Chicago by 7:00.

Seriously?
That's tomorrow?

Yeah.
Tomorrow's the 12th.

Well, what are you gonna do
about your brother?

You're gonna take him, right?

Why would I take him?

Why would you leave him?

Why wouldn't I?

Because
you want to stay married.

Right back at you.

Howdy, folks,

and thanks for coming down
to Ehlert Motors'

"Hands On A Hard Body" contest.

Remember,
while the contest is going on,

we're still making deals.

No job? No problem.

No credit? No problem.

Miss a payment? Well, then
we've got one hell of a problem.

All right, rules--

no taking hands off the car
or switching hands.

Bathroom breaks
every four hours.

And the last person
standing wins.

Okay, good luck,

and may the best man
or woman win.

Hopefully it's a man.

What? Brad!
What are you doing here?

You know how much I want this.

There is no way I can beat you

and your amazing tap legs.

Sue, if I win the car--

pause to deliver
dramatic line--

I'm giving it to you!

- What?! Are you serious?
- I already have my Miata.

You deserve to know the freedom a
great set of wheels can bring.

Sue, I will stand here

until they drag
my skeleton body away

if that's what it takes

to win my best friend
in the whole world this car.

Ohh! Bee! Bee! Bee!

There's one down.

So, uh, Brick,

I got a little spelling tip
for you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What you want to do

is memorize the consonants
in your word first--

your B's and your Q's and such.

Then, once you've got them
good and memorized,

you just insert your vowels.

That sounds like it would be
kind of confusing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It is.

Cop!

You in some kind of trouble,
Rusty?

Oh, no. Just habit.

Hey, look, I found a nickel.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Mike,
do you remember the time

when we got nailed for
throwing rocks at the cop car?

He doesn't need
to hear about that.

You threw rocks at a cop car?

And yet I get in trouble

for inviting
those well-dressed people in

to talk about religion.

Look, it was
Uncle Rusty's idea, not mine.

He wanted to have
a snowball fight,

but since it was July,
he decided to use rocks.

Yeah.

And then I accidentally hit
the cop car.

Boy, I've never
seen this guy run so fast.

And then the cops
showed up at our door.

Yeah, and--
and you were so tall,

you pretended to be my dad.

You know,
he's always been this tall.

That's hilarious.

Uh, did grandpa Big Mike
ever find out?

Oh, you kidding?
We wouldn't be here.

Hmm.

Parents were a lot meaner
back then.

How the hell
do you lose a desk?

Ohh! Mom on the floor!
Did anybody see you?

Tell me you at least put an old sheet
over your head in the elevator.

Hey, this is no picnic for me,
either.

I finally
had the house to myself.

I was gonna take a bath
and maybe light a candle.

La-la-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Oh. Excuse me. Hello?
You're the RA, right?

I'm Axl's mom.

Do you have to tell everybody?

Listen,
we're sorry about the desk.

I'm sure it's not lost.
It's just been misplaced.

He has
the same problem at home.

So if you
could just check us out,

we would really appreciate it.

Oh, sure, he can check out
whenever he wants.

Thank you.

See? Simple.
That's how you get it done.

Of course, I will be keeping
your $200 deposit.

And then your Uncle Rusty

climbs out the window
during a test

and climbs
into the window of my class

so he can have me
take the test for him.

And I got an A, too.

You mean I got an A.

But that is nothing
compared to...

- the Kimberlys!
- The Kimberlys!

Now, don't tell your mom
I'm telling you this story.

Classic Uncle Rusty.

He tells me
there's these sisters.

Well, it turns out
one of them...

had been to prison.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

It's a little sunnier
than I thought it would be.

Whoo.

Oh, I see you went
with a brand-name sunscreen.

My mom bought our
sunscreen at a garage sale.

But, you know,
I can handle a little sunburn.

I am so focused,
I can hardly even feel it.

Ohh! Bee!

Oh, Brad's bee!

You guys got to stop leaving
half-open cans of pop!

It is bringing bees!

Oh, it is like
The Hunger Games out here.

I don't know how much more
of this I can handle.

Ohh! Damn!

See? Here it is.

We'll just take that deposit
and be out of your way.

Uh-huh. And you wouldn't
just drag in a desk

from the room
across the hall, would you?

- No.
- Really?

'Cause there might be
a number under each desk

that matches the room
it belongs to,

so I could easily find out.

I think you're bluffing.

I don't think
there really is a number.

You don't?

Well, maybe I'll go under
that desk right now and see.

Nope. No number.
No need for you to check.

I'm a parent.

Room 306.
Take it back.

Narc.

Sue, how's it...

Whoa!

Oh, does it look bad?

I tried to pull
the stinger out myself,

but it's a little hard
with just one hand.

Here. Let me.

No! You can't touch me.

I will get disqualified.

But it is fine.

I am sure my body is almost done
absorbing all the poison,

and then I will feel
good as new.

Sue, this is crazy.
You can't do this.

No! It's all good!

The-- the burning in my face
is distracting me

from the shooting pain
down my arm.

I'm gonna win this thing,
Darrin.

Yeah, but what if you don't?

I don't know
the word "Don't."

Oh. It means "Do not."

They just put that little thingy
in place of the "O."

It's not short
for "Donut."

I learned that the hard way.

Are you saying
you don't believe in me?

No. Look, you're red
and puffy and all--

Oh, well, I am sorry
that I don't look pretty

while I am trying to win a car.

You know what? Forget it.
I am done talking to you.

I have to stay here,

but in my mind,
I am storming away!

Well, in my mind,
I'm chasing you.

Well, in my mind, I'm too fast,
and you can't catch me.

Well, in my mind, I caught up,

and I'm holding you in my arms,
kissing you.

Well, in my mind,
I am enjoying your warm embrace,

but I am fighting you off

because I don't want
to be held right now.

Fine! In my mind,
I'm giving up and taking off!

You do realize
you can actually do that.

I do now.

Prospicience--

P-R-O-S-P-I-C-I-E-N-C-E--

prospicience.

That is correct.

Brick Heck
advances to the final round.

How about that?
The kid's good.

- Didn't I tell you?
- Yeah.

So, how's this thing work?

- Uh, there's just one winner
at the end, right? - Yeah.

I think it's gonna come down
to Brick and that Japanese kid.

She's a machine.

You know,
she actually could be.

The Japanese
have been making robots

that look like people
for years.

...narcolepsy.

Okay.

But I'm telling you
Brick's good, too.

- We got a real shot this year.
- Oh, yeah.

You know, this,
uh, whole spelling-bee thing--

- it's way more exciting
than I thought. - Hmm.

I mean, once you've seen

a naked showgirl
boxing a kangaroo,

you think there's no way

you're gonna be
more entertained than that.

But this is a close second.

Narcolepsy.

Hey, Rusty,
I'm glad you tagged along.

Oh, me too.
Me too, Mike.

Good.

- Hey, how much time we got?
- Sarcophagus.

I'm gonna grab us a couple beers.

Uh, they don't sell beers
at spelling bees, Russ.

Well, they could
learn a thing or two

from the kangaroo box-o-rama,
wouldn't you say?

...I-A-S-I-S.

Psoriasis.

When you're
economically challenged,

your time is worth nothing.

So Axl and I split up
and spent hours

combing the dorm
for his crappy desk.

Sorry. Sorry.
Make good choices.

♪ fresh,
but where I come from... ♪

Axl, are you kidding me?!

This is you
looking for your desk?!

Okay, I was looking,

but Scott's throwing
the last rager of the year,

and I slept
through all the other parties.

Well, did you even ask them
about your desk?

Yeah, sorry to bring
the party down, everybody,

but we're looking
for Axl's desk.

It looks like
one of these three.

Wait. Why are there three
in here?

♪ where I come from,
we don't play around... ♪

305! This is it!

- Oh, yeah, dude. I borrowed your desk.
- Oh.

Sorry to break up the party,
but I need to take this desk.

Oh, no!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! So,
I'll make you a deal, mom.

Hit the next shot--
desk is yours.

Otherwise,
it's ours for the night.

Yeah?

♪ ...and I get into my zone ♪

♪ every time you spit,
better watch your tone ♪

What do you think
I did in college?

♪ go, go ♪

♪ go, go ♪

♪ go, go, go, go ♪

♪ everybody, go, go, go,
go, go ♪

Yeah!

♪ everybody, everybody,
everybody get up ♪

♪ get up, get up, get up ♪

♪ get up, get up and get down ♪

♪ everybody, get up ♪

♪ get up, get up ♪

♪ get up, get up, get up ♪

E-S-Q-A-L-O-S-E--

esquamulose.

I'm sorry.
That is incorrect.

And we're down
to our final two.

I told you.
This is Brick's year.

Look at him up there.
He's got the eye of the tiger.

Your word is...

succedaneum.

We got this.
He knows this one.

He does? He does?

Succedaneum...

S-U-C-C-E-D...

...A-N-I-U-M--

succedaneum.

Ooh, that is incorrect.

I'm so sorry.

Margaret Arakawa,
you're our new champion

and will be moving on
to nationals in Washington DC.

Hey. What the hell
is going on?

How do you do this

and my kid misses a word
I know he knows?

Oh, I ran into Brick
in the bathroom,

told him
maybe it wasn't his night.

Are you kidding?

You had my kid
throw a spelling bee?

Yeah.
We're in cahoots.

Oh, and I went over a few basics
of betting with him.

I'm kind of surprised
'cause you're such a great dad,

but he didn't seem to know
anything about gambling.

I-I can't believe you would do
something like this.

What-- y-you're betting
on a kids' spelling bee?

I thought you were asking
all those questions

about how it worked
because you cared.

Oh, I care.
I had 600 reasons to care.

Slow down there, slim.

You'll get your cut.

I don't want my cut.
I wanted Brick to win.

Do you not get that?

You know what?
Forget it.

It's like talking to a wall.

All right,
we're down to the final two.

Let's get this thing moving.

Up on one foot, girls.

Surprise!
I'm a yoga instructor.

Good morning.

Hey.
How'd the desk get here?

Two big guys carried it down

while you rode on top,

screaming,
"I'm queen of the world!"

I'll understand
if you have to transfer out.

Actually...

and, uh, don't
get all in my face about it,

but... you're kind of
less embarrassing

than I thought you would be.

Very un-mom-like.

Really?

See? I am a person
besides a mom, Axl.

- And that just goes to show you--
- Oh, okay.

You ruined it trying
to make a lesson out of it

or-- or something--
whatever.

Let's just get out of here
before anyone sees you.

Hey, Julia.
Notice anything different?

Like the desk, maybe?
Go ahead. Check it.

Real mature.

Oh, God.

Dad, we didn't leave
Uncle Rusty, did we?

'Cause as someone
who's been left behind

on more than one occasion,

it's not a good feeling.

No, I told him we were leaving.

He's meeting
some guy in Chicago

about the...
shower curtains.

I don't know.
It doesn't matter.

I'm fine he's not here.

You know, you didn't
have to do what he asked.

But he needed the money.

And don't you always say

you're supposed to do
for family?

No, your mom says that.

Either way.
I was happy to do it.

I didn't really care that much
about the spelling bee.

I don't think
I'm a super competitive person.

Besides, I thought
it was classic Uncle Rusty.

What does that mean?

You know, like, when he made you
take that test for him

or when he sold
all your clothes.

This could be one of those
really funny Uncle Rusty stories

that we tell years from now
and laugh.

Hmm. Maybe.
In 10 years.

Or two.

Okay.

I get to tell your mom
when we get home.

How's she doing?

Whoa.
What happened to you?

College.
How'd it go with Brick?

Second place.

Oh, sorry.
I'm sure you tried your best.

He didn't. It's a long story.
I'll tell you later.

Come on, Sue!
You can do it!

You got it, baby!

Whoo-hoo!

Did I mention
I once did a yoga retreat

where I spent two days
in the warrior pose?

Might as well give up now,
sweetheart.

Really?

You think I should give up?

Let me tell you
something about me.

I never, ever give up.

I have not made
a hundred things,

but I still try out.

When they tell me

that I didn't make the team,

I show up
and ask to be manager.

When there are no parts
in the play for me,

I ask to make the programs.

The more I fail,
the stronger I get!

My whole life
has led me to this moment!

So I will stand here
on my one burning leg

for as long as it takes,
so, ha!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

I think I just swallowed a fly.

But I am still not giving up!

Oh, you can't beat crazy.

We have a winner!
Finally!

Whoo!

This is the worst idea
I ever had.

Oh! Yeah!

Sue, listen,
I'm so sorry I upset you--

No, Darrin.
It doesn't matter!

I won!
I won a new car!

A car?!
I'm not giving away a car!

That's worth over $15,000!

How dumb do you think I am?

What?!

You got to read
the small print there, missy.

"Win a new car trip."

- Well, that figures. It is Ehlert,
after all. - Are you kidding me?

"Two days and one night
Disney vacation,

courtesy
of Pioneer Galaxy Travel."

Whoooooooo!

Whooooo!

I won a trip to Disney World!

That is even better than a car!

Whooooo!

So it ended up being
a great weekend for the Hecks.

Sue won a trip to Disney World.

I earned my son's respect.

And whether I was
right or wrong,

Rusty ended up making enough
money off the spelling-bee

to move out of our house
and and into the Orson homes.

Hey, I, uh, appreciate you
for putting me out,

so, I got ya a gift.

It's your favorite team.

Thanks.

- Stay out of trouble.
- Ha.

Oh, sure.
You know me.

Yeah.

I know you.

And who is to say?

Maybe Rusty was getting
his life together.

Maybe the shower curtain thing
could turn up to really be something.