The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Middle - full transcript

Ah, high school,
that carefree time in your life

when the stress of the real
world seems miles away--

at least, it used to be.

Ow! Ohh! Hand cramp.
Hand cramp!

Sue, put that stuff away
and get ready for school.

Mom, I am a junior now.

It is not about high school
anymore. It's about college.

I have been working
on this scholarship essay

since 4:00 AM.

Since when are you interested
in studying American Forestry?

Hey, for 50 bucks, I will study
anything they want me to.



I am also applying for
the local Al-Anon scholarship.

I have to write an essay
about my hardships

and how I've overcome them.

Speaking of, would you guys
describe yourselves

as more escapist drinkers
or panic drinkers?

Escapist, definitely.

Now let's go.
You can do this after school.

N-- I can't.

I'm picking up extra shifts
at Spudsy's for my college fund.

Then, I'm studying
for the SATs.

Then, I am doing
community service

at the Orson Senior Center
cutting up meat for old people.

I'm sorry, but I have to be
assiduous right now.

I've been getting



the SAT word of the day
on my computer.

How lugubrious is that?

Oh, wait, mm.
I used that wrong.

I just cannot find the hidden
bunny in this urban scene.

It's on top of the stoplight.

Oh. Well...

I just don't know
why business is so slow lately.

Why aren't more people
coming in?

Maybe I should have gone
with Inspector Plaque Hound

instead of Dr. Shiny Tooth
on the reminder cards.

You did send those out, right?

Did I?

Did I?

Frankie, I need
you to reorder mint floss,

blue water for the spit sink,

and send out
these reminder cards.

They're really the lifeblood
of our industry.

Got it, got it, got it.

You know...

come to think of it,
Dr. Shiny Tooth

was kind of menacing
for a reminder card.

Darn it.

That is a mistake
from which I may not recover.

Well, I'm gonna take Colin Firth
out for a poopie.

All right.
Have a good one.

Brick, you can't let
this math teacher get you down.

It's not just math.
It's... everything.

Middle school is hard.

Never mind.
I'll be fine.

What did you say to my kid?

Who? Brick?
Nothing.

I just said,
"Are you going in?"

- What did he say?
- He didn't answer.

Don't do that anymore.

I wasn't being mean.

He's having a hard-enough day
as it is, all right?

What's up, ladies?

Dude, Olson, what happened?
You're huge.

Yeah, it looks like
you ate Skinny Olson.

Yeah, well, Coach gave us
that big speech

that if we want to
play next year,

we got to bulk up, remember?

Yeah, but we're not
getting weighed in

until right before
Spring Scrimmage.

Which is next week.

I got to buy a calendar.

That'll be $47.

What? Why?

'Cause you only got six points
left on your card.

But I thought the meal plan
was, like, unlimited.

Well, it's, like, not.

Everybody gets 2,000 points,
and you're down to 6.

And you got three.

- What?
- What?

How did that happen?

Tater ball!

Welcome to
Ice Cream Castle City.

Population-- yum.

Hey.

Mom, be careful!

That is my essay for the
American Patriot Scholarship.

I know I am gonna get that one.

No one loves America
more than me.

And, here,
check out my title--

"Why I'm An Ameri-Can
And Not An Ameri-Can't--

AKA red, white, and Sue."

Well, that's great, Sue,
but I'm gonna need some room.

I got to fill out
300 reminder cards and mail them

before Dr. Goodwin finds out
I'm horrible at my job.

But, mom, this is my work area.

Fine, fine.

Here, you can have
from the mustard stain

to where
Axl wrote "Fart."

Thank you.

Hey.
How was your day?

Mm, better than Brick's.

When I dropped him off
this morning,

this older girl
started messing with him.

What do you mean,
"messing with him"?

Uh, you know, making fun of him,
holding the door shut

so he couldn't get
in the building.

So, I got out of the car,
had a little chat with her.

You got out of your car?

Yeah. It was the wrong day
to mess with my kid.

Oh, no. What did
you say? What did you do?

Nothing. It was good.
It was fine.

Let's just say she got the message.

Dad, why did you
bully my friend this morning?

Wait, what?

My friend said you bullied her.

- You have a friend?
- Yeah, her name is Piper.

She says you got out of the car
and were mean to her.

Well, 'cause she was being mean to you.

Could you guys keep it down?

You are being so...
obstreperous.

No, it looked like
she was holding the door

so you couldn't
get in the building.

No, we were just goofing around.
She's my friend.

Well, I'm sorry, Brick.

In my defense,
you talking to someone your age

does not exactly
scream "friend."

I was trying to help.

Well, now
the whole school thinks

my dad has to protect me
from a girl.

So, thanks for the help.

- Oh, hey, Mrs. Heck.
- Hey, Hutch.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, it's dead week at school,
and we don't have any classes.

Hey! This is
not a social visit.

If you're flapping your gums,
there better be food in them.

May I help you?

We got to put on beaucoup
poundage by next Wednesday,

or we're not gonna
make the team next year,

which means no scholarship,

which means you can kiss
your golden goose goodbye.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Axl, stop it!

Stop it!
What are you doing?!

You are getting
squeezy cheese all over

my Kickin' It Teen Style
SAT Super Study Buddy Guide.

What are you
freaking out about?

It is so easy
to get into college.

All you got to do
is be awesome.

Oh, wait. I get it now.

Hey, dad. So...

I was just wondering
when you were gonna apologize.

I already told you I was sorry.

No, not to me--
to Piper.

I was thinking you could
do it at school tomorrow.

We have a free period
between 10:20 and 10:40

so the teachers can smoke.

Uh, Brick, I really don't think
that's a good idea.

W-why not?

I mean, you made her
feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, well, she's gonna feel
even more uncomfortable

when a nine-foot man shows up
outside her science class.

But don't you always say,
"When you make a mistake,

you should look a person
in the eye and apologize"?

Yeah, and that's true,
but in this situation,

I don't think going back
to the school's a good idea.

Trust me--
I think it's better we just

cut bait
and call this one a day.

Mm.

"Trains A and B are traveling

in the same direction
on parallel tracks."

- 66, 67, 68...
- "Train A is traveling

- at 60 miles per hour, and train B
is traveling at 70." - ...69, 70, 71...

...72--

Axl, I am
trying to concentrate.

Okay, "Train B
is traveling 12 minutes behind."

- 9-8-7...
- 14.

- "If train B is 15 minutes behind--"
- 15.

- No, wait. No, no-- 12.
- Four...

Mom! Help.

It's impossible to do math
while they're doing that.

Listen, I just addressed
a reminder card

to a train
going 60 miles an hour,

so why don't you all pipe down?

And who took my almonds?

That is my brain food.

Axl, do not touch my brain food,
or I will end you!

Dude, what happened
to your sister?

She used to be so nice.

It's the whole house.

Happened ever since
I went to college.

Clearly, I was the one
keeping everyone happy.

I am serious, Axl.

- You stay away from my study food.
- Relax.

It's not like you're gonna get
into college anyway.

You'll probably end up
getting a job at the quarry.

Dad will stick you
down some deep mine shaft,

and you'll never come out.

But don't worry.
You won't be alone.

You'll probably meet a mole man

and have
half-man-half-mole kids.

You are an odious
and repugnant individual!

Eh.

All right.
Time for a weigh-in.

What?

It says I only gained
half a pound.

What?

It says I lost a pound.
I'm getting skinnier.

Okay.

We're obviously burning
way too many calories, so...

New strategy.

No physical activity
of any kind.

We just ride the couch and eat.

So, six months
after my boss asked me,

I finally got
all the reminder cards mailed.

Unfortunately, I forgot stamps.

- Just a minute!
- Frankie?

Yeah, um... don't come in.

Why not?

Because, uh...
I have a surprise for you.

Oh, I love surprises!
Unless you're robbing me.

That happened once.
I did not like that.

That is so funny!

It made me fall down.

It's gonna take me a minute
to get up.

Hang on.

Okay, you can come in.

So... what did you get me?

I... wrote a song for you.

That's amazing!

I wrote a song for you, too.

But I thought you might
think it was weird.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah?

Hey, dad.

Hey.

Don't tell your brother
I have these.

Mm. So,
it's all set up.

What's all set up?

Well, you said you didn't want
to apologize to Piper at school,

so she's agreed
to meet you in the park.

What?

She can meet you tomorrow
at 4:00 by the swing set.

It might be nice
if you bring her some candy.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Well, you said
you were gonna apologize.

You agreed you made a mistake.

Yeah, I made a mistake,

but meeting a 12-year-old girl
in the park

would be...
really uncomfortable...

and possibly illegal.

But don't you always say,

"When you make a mistake,
you should own up to it,

no matter how uncomfortable
it makes you"?

Yeah, I do say that.

But sometimes in life,
it's better

just to let things go and know
that you learned something.

That you shouldn't
pick on innocent girls?

I was actually thinking,
"Next time you miss the bus,

you should walk to school,"
but yours is good, too.

Hmm.

Dude.

If I eat one more thing,
I'm gonna explode.

We have to.

We're athletes.

This is it!

I got a letter from the
Patriotism Scholarship people!

Oh!

In my hand, I hold
the first piece of the puzzle

that will send me on my journey
to a higher education.

Oh, boy, honey.
Fingers crossed!

"Dear Sue, due
to the record-high number

of submissions"--
They had so many submissions--

"...we regret to inform you

that despite
your wonderful essay"--

They loved my essay--
"...we are unable

to offer you a scholarship

but look forward
to you trying again next year"!

They look forward to me
trying again next year!

Just give her a minute.

Wait.

No!

No!

No!

I'm so perturbed!

So, how was school?

Things getting better
with that math teacher?

It wasn't so bad today.

Oh, by the way, you were right
about the park thing.

Piper's parents
thought it was weird

that you wanted to
meet her there, too.

I didn't.

W-- y-you told
her parents that?

Yeah, I told them
all about it--

how you scared her
and made her feel uncomfortable.

Brick, why?

I had to so you could figure out
a place to apologize.

I really got out in front of it.

Piper's parents felt

they need to be present
when you talk to her,

so I suggested we all meet
at The Spaghetti Station.

I don't want to meet these
people at The Spaghetti Station.

I don't want to
meet these people at all!

What the hell is going on here?

This whole thing has escalated
way out of control.

If it helps, we're
on a waiting list for a booth.

The next time
you make a friend...

tell me.

Hey, Sue.

Not now, mom.

Now that I've lost the
American Patriot Scholarship,

I am gonna have to
really buckle down.

I mean, if I can't get that,
what can I get?

I am gonna have to
literally canvass Indiana

with applications
and hope to God

th something comes through
because I am desperate.

Speaking of which,

is there any chance
we're part Choctaw?

Sue, take a breath.

You are freaking yourself out.

Listen, our insurance doesn't
cover stress-related issues.

I've tried.

And that is why I have splurged
on this groupon

valid Monday through Wednesday,
holidays excluded,

for the Heavenly Springs Hot Spa
down in Jasper.

That's right-- you and me
and a tub full of bubbles.

Are you crazy?!

I can't go to a spa.

I have to study for my ACTs,

plus I'm gonna have to find
a new service project

because I cut up the meat wrong,
and I choked an old person.

Honey, come on.

I am really starting
to worry about you.

We'll go for a couple of hours,
just you and me,

a-a-and all this crap will
still be here when we get back.

I don't know, mom.

Trust me. It'll be great.

We'll unwind,
soak in the hot tub,

and just enjoy
the beauty and serenity

of the Heavenly Springs Hot Spa.

Okay.

No smoking.
Do not go under the water.

And you got to wear your suits
at all times.

Are either one of you pregnant?

That's sweet of you to ask,
but no.

Mm. All right,
here's your towels.

Uh, gonna need a $2 deposit
and a, you know,

driver's license or a bus pass.

All right. Thanks.

All right,
your two hours start now.

Well, this is nice, huh?

Ooh!

It's chillier than I expected.

I-I think
there's a warm jet here.

Yeah. No,
that's really heating up.

Come on, Sue.
Let's just jump in.

Mom, I don't think
you completely comprehend

the amount of work that I have.

I-I just keep thinking about
every second that I am wasting.

Sue, you have your whole life

to turn
into a stressed-out mess.

Trust me.

Now, come on--
I know this isn't

exactly what we pictured,
but let's enjoy it.

We haven't even gotten

our bountiful
hors d'oeuvre platter yet.

Here's your
complimentary cheese platter.

Do you guys mind
doubling up on a fork?

Are you sure that's it?

'Cause we paid
for the $15.99 Deluxe Package.

Right. Yep.

And... there you go.

All right. Deluxe.

So, you can imagine
our concern when we heard

that you harassed our daughter

and then wanted to
meet her in the park.

So, should we start
with some appetizers?

Listen, I-I completely
understand your concern.

But I think once I explain
the situation,

we can clear this up
pretty quick.

See, when I dropped Brick off
at school,

he was already having
a bad morning.

And when I saw him talking
to your daughter,

I misread the situation.

It-- it looked like
she was giving him a hard time,

so I-I went,
and I... talked to her.

And, really, that's...
all there is to it.

Oh, dad, you forgot the part
where you touched her.

- Huh?
- You touched her?

Mm-hmm.

I didn't... touch her.
N-not touch.

I-I-I patted her.

You know, like--

And the point is...

I already felt bad about Brick,

so, like I said,
I misread the situation,

a-and, for that,
I apologize.

Well... don't tell us.
Tell Piper.

D-did Piper not hear
what I just said?

Ooh, how about we get some
garlic knots for the table?

Piper.

Yes?

I'm sorry I got out of my car
and confronted you.

I misread the situation.

- Okay?
- I guess.

You guess?

I wasn't even
being mean to him.

I just don't get
why you were mean to me.

Because
I misread the situation.

It's just I was
talking to my friends,

and you embarrassed me
in front of them.

That kind of thing
can stay with you.

I--

I know.

That's why I apologized--
twice.

You know,
when an adult confronts you,

it can be kind of scary.

I know it's scary.

That's why I'm sitting
at a Spaghetti Station

apologizing when I should be
sitting at work.

- Why are you yelling?
- I'm not yelling!

I'm yelling because you refuse
to listen to me,

and you apparently
don't have any idea

how to accept an apology.

When someone says,
"I'm sorry," you say, "Okay."

That's how an apology goes.

Well, you tried.

And you always say,

"If you try your hardest,
that's the best you can do."

Okay. This one I call
the twisted dolphin.

Ooh, head above water!
Head above the water!

Whoo.

Hey, maybe I'll get a
scholarship for water ballet.

Oh, yeah.

See, Sue?

This is what I'm talking about.

No 17-year-old kid
should be

stressing out the way
you've been lately.

There's plenty of time for that

when you're destroying
your boss's dental business.

Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.
- Ahh.

You know what's funny?

You are the complete
opposite of Axl.

I swear, that kid
never worried about college.

I mean, I had to stay on him

to make sure
every little thing got done.

But you-- I mean,
you're always pushing yourself.

That's because I have to.

I mean, it's just hard for me.

I mean, I-I'm not
super-smart like Brick.

I'm not an athlete like Axl.

I mean, yeah,
I-I've made a couple of teams,

but I don't know
if you know this.

Some of them
I made by accident.

I am just right in the middle.

I'm the middle in my grades,
the middle on teams,

the middle child...
the middle everything.

If I were on
the college admissions board,

why would I pick me?

I don't stand out in any way.

I am completely average.

Sue... listen to me.

You know how much
I worry about you?

This much.
You know why?

Because you have something

I have never seen
in any other person.

When stuff happens to you,
you bounce.

Really?

Yeah.
And that's huge.

It's something I've always
admired about you.

Now, listen, I'm not saying
everything comes easy for you.

If it did,
you wouldn't be my kid.

But the one thing I do know is

that you have
so many amazing qualities

that can't be measured
by the SATs.

Do you know what I am, mom?

Hmm?

I am indefatigable.

Yes, you are.

- Hmm?
- Ah.

Yep. Every day with your kids
is an adventure.

Sometimes, they frustrate you.

You know,
when you think about it,

this whole thing started
because of my mean math teacher.

I think you two should talk.

I'll set it up.

Sometimes, they inspire you.

I got the Optimist's
Scholarship!

It's for $100!

I can't believe they picked me.

Aah! The world
is such a special place.

I can hardly wait
for the next moment!

And sometimes, they eat you
out of house and home.

I feel so much stronger now
that we put on all that weight.

- Hut, hut, hike!
- Oh, we're gonna be unstoppable.

But at the end of the day,
it's all...

Well, there's a word for it.

Never mind. I'll ask Sue.

But it's all good.

It's good to see you,
Mrs. Parker.

Well, I would have
been here sooner.

But for some reason,
I never got my--

...reminder.

Wow.

- She went out fast, huh?
- Oh.

Well, hey, now that she's under,
I guess we have time

to sing those songs
we wrote for each other.

I'll start.

♪ Frankie, oh, Heck ♪

♪ the things you do
for this office ♪

♪ Frankie ♪

♪ you bet you're helping
everyone of us ♪

There's more...

♪ from your typing and your
filing to your alphabetizing... ♪