The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Middle - full transcript

Out here in the Middle,

we're not caviar, champagne,
or theater people.

We like pretzels, beer, and TV.

36 salt specks.

You count
the number of salt specks?

You don't count?

No. No, I don't.

That's another one
in the "Just You" column.

Mm. There are fewer specks
than there used to be.

They're clearly cutting back
on salt.

Isn't that the point of the pretzel --



to have it be
both salty and crunchy?

Otherwise, it's toast.

Remember the rule --
no talking when the TV's on?

But the TV's always on.

And why do you think that is?

Hey, guys, don't spoil
your appetite with junk.

As soon as
I find the hair dryer,

I'm microwaving taquitos.

Ooh, listen.

Oh, that's pretty.

Somebody got wind chimes.

Hmm. There's an 800 number
on the back.

It says they're excited to hear
my questions and comments.

We'll see about that.



I'm not a yes man.
I'm gonna tell it like it is.

You know, maybe we could
get some wind chimes.

It'd be fun to do
something nice like that.

Jazz up the house, you know?

TV's on.

Thanks for hanging out
at the mall

and then driving me home.

I could watch you
make potatoes all day.

I could watch you
watch me make potatoes all day.

Sorry
they called security on you.

You were there a long time.

I wish I could ask you in,

but that's the price you pay

when you're keeping
your relationship a secret.

No, you're right.

Once everyone finds out,

it always seems
to get messed up.

It's like people are threatened
by our joy.

That's why it's critical

that absolutely no one
finds out about us.

I'm in love with Darrin,

and I need to shout it
from the rooftop!

Wait -- what?

We didn't want anyone
pulling us apart,

so we've been
keeping it a secret.

It's been so hard!

How long
has this been going on?

Since prom last night.

I just think about Darrin
all the time.

And when he's not around,
I just miss him so much.

How do you bear
the burning ache

when you're apart from dad
all day?!

I'm not gonna say it's easy.

It really feels right this time.

In fact, when he kissed me, I heard bells.

If that's the case, then
we're all in love with Darrin.

Dude, I found the perfect couch
for our apartment next year.

Cool. Where?

Behind this dumpster
on State Street.

Wh-- And it's just
sitting there? For free?

Yeah.

I smelled it, and on a scale
of 1 to Kenny, about a 7.

Ooh.

Uh, speaking of Kenny,
I haven't exactly told him

you and I are rooming together
next year.

Ooh. Right.

Be gentle.

Living with Hutch next year.

Yeah. He's taking it
pretty hard.

We should give him some space.

All right, come on.
It's right over here.

Right over here.

Huh?
What'd I say?

Oh!
This is totally awesome!

I call right side.

Ah!

Yeah.

Hey, and when the game's on,
we can put down plastic

and fill this
full of hot wings.

Ooh!

And when you want
to dump the bones,

just lift it out
like a garbage liner.

It's a bowl and a trash can.

The bowl-can.

The trash-owl.

Eh...

We'll come up
with a name later.

Hoo!

Ohh!

Those chimes just don't stop!

You know, it was cute at first,

but after a while,
it just gets annoying.

Kind of like kids.

It is a bit oppressive.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're not answering
another Craigslist ad, are you?

I told you -- we're not getting
a four-person pedal boat.

I'm off that. Too impractical.
We're a family of five.

Anyway, I'm calling
the pretzel information line

to inform them
the decrease in salt crystals

has not gone unnoticed.

So, this is just
regular odd behavior?

This isn't
gonna cost me anything?

Toll-free call, just like
the Bureau of Land Management.

Bureau of Land Management.

Hi, and welcome to

the Sutter Farms
family of products.

From industrial
cleaning solvents

to our delicious baked goods,
we're there for you.

If you have a question
or comment, press 1.

If you have an idea
for a new Sutter Farms product,

press 2.

Ooh.
As a matter of fact, I do.

We're sorry,

but no one's available
to hear your exciting idea.

Please leave
your name and number,

and we'll get back to you.

Hello.

Oh, my God!

Campus is still
like a million miles away.

What were we thinking?!

Man, we need a truck.

And two other dudes
to put it in the truck.

I can't go
looking for a truck now.

I got to get to class.

We can't leave this thing
sitting here.

If someone takes it,
we're gonna spend all next year

knowing that someone is sitting
in our dumpster couch.

I know.

What if I go to class,
you spend the night here,

and I'll get a truck tomorrow?

What --

Look, you stay,

I'll let you pick
your favorite side

for when we have
our own place, huh?

Hmm.

All right.
Let's see.

Mike, wake up.
Do you hear that?

I didn't before you took
the pillow off my head.

People need their sleep.

It's the only time
we get a break from our lives.

Hey, shut up
your stupid wind chimes!

People are trying to sleep!

Well, at least
I didn't hear the wind chimes

for a second there while you were yelling.

I'm sorry,
but it's noise pollution, Mike.

Plain and simple --
noise pollution.

You know, the media
is partly to blame

'cause they never report on it.

It's not sexy,
like air pollution

or water pollution.

You got a problem
with my wind chimes?

Oh, h-hey, Rita.

Oh, did you hear that, too?

Yeah, I think
it came from the Norwoods.

Paula's kind of a hothead.

I know it was you.

I recognized
your monkey chatter.

Oh. Gee.

Did I do that?

Well, you see,
I-I'm a sleep yeller.

I yell in my sleep.
It's really rare.

I'm gonna be in a book
about it.

What's your deal
against my chimes?

My chimes are pretty.

I'm trying
to beautify the neighborhood.

Yeah. Oh, beauty is good.

Could always use more beauty.

Never met anyone who said
"Go easy on the beauty," right?

I am trying to cultivate
a sense of inner peace

'cause I just came back
from a 6-to-9-month mandatory...

spa.

Oooh! Spa!

Well, that explains
why you look so relaxed.

I got a lot of rage in me.

Probably 'cause I'm going
through the pre-menopause.

I'm not sleeping,
I'm hot all the time.

I mean,
I still like sex plenty.

That's not an issue,
like it is with you.

No wonder you only got
three kids if you sleep in that.

Well...

they all look the same
tossed at the foot of the bed.

Am I right?

Anyhoo...

rest assured you will not
be hearing a peep out of me --

at least when I'm awake.

The conscious me
loves the wind chimes.

Well, if you want
to stay conscious...

you better.

Well, I guess
you have to get going,

'cause your ankle bracelet
is flashing.

Where have you been?!

Just woke up.

It's noon.

Now, where's the truck?

Uh, well,
here's the thing --

I can't get Olsen's truck
till Saturday.

- What?!
- But it's no big deal.

Nichols Forest is 100 yards up.

We'll drag the couch
deep into the woods

and leave it
where no one will ever find it.

You know,
I'm a little uncomfortable

with how quickly
you came up with that idea.

All right.

Hey, Mike.
Listen to this.

No.

You haven't even heard it yet.

I'm writing a letter
to Rita Glossner.

Exactly. No.

No, it's not a regular letter.

It's on nice stationery,

and I'm dropping it off
with a box of candy.

I mean, think about it.
Nobody treats Rita like this.

Nobody breaks out
the good stationery

and gives her chocolates.

They just have her arrested.

Not gonna work, Frankie.

Well, I got to something.
Just listen.

"Dear, Rita, thanks so much
for having us over

to your super-fun front-yard
pool party last summer.

I feel bad
we haven't reciprocated.

When the weather is less windy,
we'd like to have you over.

Oh,
and speaking of wind --"

See what I did there? --

"Would you mind
taking down your wind chimes?

That'd be great.
Thanks, neighbor.

Also, my husband
has diverticulitis,

and the noise
isn't good for that."

Don't drag me into this.
I don't have that.

Well, you might.
Something's making you crabby.

Anyway, it's worth a shot.

Were there any calls for me?

I left my name and number
with the pretzel people,

and they're gonna call back.

Have an idea for them.

Really?
What do you got?

Well, you know how people take
pretzels and dip them in cheese?

What if you take the cheese
and put it inside the pretzel?

Boom!

They already have those, Brick.

What?

Yeah. We don't buy them
'cause they're a dime more.

What am I gonna do
when they call back?!

I've got nothing!

I need a new idea.

I'll be in my room.

Peanut butter?

Done.

Ohhhhh!

This is nice.

Yeah.

Good couch-to-foot
ratio.

I am in complete agreement.

This is a good sign
for next year.

We are gonna be good roommates.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you want to watch
"Revenge"?

Hells yeah!

Okay,
the chimes haven't stopped,

but that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, Rita might not have even
seen the letter yet.

But she had to.
I put it on her doorstep.

But then, why hasn't she
taken the chimes down?

What if she can't read?

No. She steals our paper.
She can read.

Oh, mom. I'm not
gonna be around Saturday.

I'll be with Darrin.

You know
we're going out again, right?

- Yeah.
- So, if you need me,

we're gonna be at a
birthday party for a 1-year-old.

Darrin has a friend
with a baby?

Mm-hmm. They met
at air-conditioning school.

The friend, not the baby.

Okay, it wasn't easy,

but I believe
I have some real winners here.

Cinnamon-roll pretzels.

Done.

Fire-roasted chipotle.

Done.

Garlic, sun-dried tomato,
parmesan.

Done.

Why are they
coming to me for ideas?

They've already thought
of everything!

The chimes, the chimes.

I can't think!

Wh--?

So, you gonna be
my friend now, hmm?

You think that you can buy me

with your free chocolates
that the insurance company sent?

No. I ate
the insurance chocolates.

I bought those special for you.

You don't want to be my friend.

You trying to manipilate me.

I will not be manipilated.

Trust me, Rita -- I'm not
trying to... manipilate you.

I don't believe you.

I thought we'd put the past
behind us, but I guess not.

You hurt my feelings.

You know what you are?

You're a mean girl.
Mm-hmm.

You're a mean girl and a bully,

and the whole neighborhood
knows it.

What?!
I am not a bully!

I'm nice. I sent you chocolates.
I used the good stationery.

I never even use stationery!

You know what, Rita?
You're the bully.

And I'm not scared of you.

So,
you never told me --

how'd your note go over
with Rita?

Not wanting to poke
the Hillbilly Bear any further,

Mike brought home a solution
from the quarry.

Okay.

So, Rita Glossner
has us in her cross hairs,

but maybe we get
some other sucker

to file a complaint
or something, you know?

Take the heat off of us --
like the Donahues.

Were you talking to me?

What?

What?

I wasn't talking.

Was I?

Listen,
take off your headphones

when you see
people's lips moving,

it's just simple
dinner headphone etiquette.

Hey!

Listen. It's quiet.

Ooh, take them off.
Take them off.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yes!

Mm.

Oh.

Don't answer that.

It could be the pretzel people,
and I'm not ready yet!

No, it's Darrin.
I'm texting him right now,

and sometimes he likes to call
when we're texting.

It's so cute.

Hello?

Oh.

Hello?

Okay, so, before,

I was concentrating
on pretzel flavors --

...but maybe I was thinking
too conventionally.

What if there was a pretzel
that the more you chew it,

it turns into gum?

See you later!

I'm going with Darrin
to the mall

to help him buy new socks.

- Did you hear that?
- Hmm?

They're off to buy socks.

They do everything together.

And Saturday, they're going to
some repairman toddler party.

What?

Yeah. That's who
Darrin's friends are now --

people with kids.

So, they're going
to a party with kids.

Big deal.

Not my idea of fun, but maybe
she'll bring home cake.

The big deal is,
Sue is still in high school,

and she should be doing
high-school things.

I just don't want her
growing up too fast.

Wait a minute. I thought
you were okay with Darrin.

Oh, I was, but what happens

when he graduates
two months from now?

He's gonna get a job
and his own place.

Are we gonna let Sue
date someone with an apartment?

No. We're definitely
not doing that.

Well, I'm telling you, Mike,
that's how it starts.

It goes socks, toddler party,
apartment,

and then another toddler party.

Hey, dad.

When we were at the mall
buying Darrin socks,

we got the cutest little puzzle
for Noah's birthday party.

It is a puppy policeman.

Take it back.

You're not going
to any repairman toddler party.

What? Why?

I don't want you hanging out
with that kind of crowd.

Toddlers?

Look, I'm your dad,
and you'll do what I say.

But there's gonna be a clown --
and cupcakes.

And Darrin's gonna be there.

Well, I'm not Darrin's dad.
I'm your dad.

And you're not going.

Now, put on your headphones
and go to bed.

Wh--?

Whoa, whoa!
Geez!

Not a good time, man.

There's been a...
development.

Get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

No.

I crashed a Beta Psi mixer,

hit it off with a lady,
brought her back to our place.

Dude! But we were
supposed to watch "Revenge"!

Come on, man.
We could do that later.

Is this what it's gonna
be like next year?

What?! No!

Why are you making
such a big deal out of this?

Can't you just be cool?

Whoa! Are you saying
I'm not cool?

I am cool, man.
I'm very cool.

Look, I'd do the same
for you --

you know,
if you ever got a girl.

That's harsh, man.
Harsh!

You know what?

I'm not so sure
I want to live with someone

who would say
something like that to me.

Fine! I'm not sure if I want
to live with you, either.

Good. I'll just stay with Kenny.
We have a lot of laughs.

Fine!

Fine!
Enjoy woods girl.

I hope you get a deer tick
in a very personal place.

Well, it turns out
Axl wasn't the only one

with roommate problems.

Well, that should be
comfortable.

Yeah --
an air mattress

and the old comforter
the dog used to sleep on.

Great!

Well, we got to do
something, Mike.

We haven't slept in two days.
We're miserable.

If I don't get some sleep,
I'm gonna be worse

at a job I'm already
not very good at.

And then we put the kids
in a playpen,

and all the grown-ups
jumped in the bouncy house.

Oh, and there were juice boxes.

I'm making it sound fun,
but it wasn't,

'cause my Sue Bear
wasn't there.

Ohhh.
I miss you, too!

I can't believe
I didn't get to play

in the Curious George
bouncy house.

But apparently, my dad still
thinks of me as a little kid.

Sue, if you want to talk
to Darrin, take it upstairs.

I am not gonna be
the only one upstairs

when we're at war
with the Glossners.

They are capable of anything!

Aw, man. I got to go
put on another pot.

It's gonna be a long night.

Brick, you don't work
for the pretzel company.

They're not
counting on your ideas.

Turn off the light
and go to bed.

You just don't get it, dad.
You don't have a creative job.

You don't, either!

Look, I'm gonna get a call
from Corporate

in St. Paul, Minnesota,
and I've got to deliver.

You only get one shot
in this game, and if I blow it,

it's gonna kill me
with the candy-bar people,

the cereal people,
the popcorn people --

Brick, I need to sleep.
I got to work tomorrow.

God, I envy
how mindless your job is.

I don't know.
I think the chimes are worse.

Now there's a weird echo
'cause we're in the basement.

Dad, Darrin would like
to speak to you personally.

What? No. No!

Good evening, Mr. Heck.

You are the father of Sue,
and in most cases,

I feel your parental decisions
have been right on the money.

I mean, I think they're actually
worse down here.

Seriously, are we just gonna
have to put up with this, Mike?

But in this case, sir,
I feel you were overly stern.

I mean, what are we gonna do
to get away from these chimes --

live in the pool
and breathe through straws?

Sue's a good girl. I believe
she earned the right to go out.

So, this is our life -- bong,
bong, bong, clang, clang, clang!

Work...ing!

Okay, that's enough!

You, turn off that lamp.

You, no more computer talking.

Turn off the lights.

Everybody go to sleep!

That's it!

What the hell you doin'?

You know what, Rita?

We've had enough
of your wind chimes.

We tried to do this
the nice way,

but you pushed us too far.

Aah! Ow!
What the hell?!

"Ow, what the hell," you.

Hey, now! I'm not looking
for any trouble.

Damn it!

That's not --
No --

Ow! Owww!

Hey, you're crazy!
You know that?!

Oh, I'm crazy, stretch? Huh?
You like crazy, do ya?

No!

Aah!

Oh, my God.

What happened?

She's a nut, Frankie.

She literally went up a tree
and dropped on me like a cat.

Well, I mean,
what did she expect?

You had to go over there.
What were we supposed to do?

We were all going crazy
with those wind chimes.

That's the thing, Frankie --
I wasn't.

I barely even heard
the damn things

before you started
going on and on about them.

But you started
yelling out windows

and writing on stationery,

and you got me
all riled up about it.

What do you mean
I got you riled up?

You rile me up
about everything.

You riled me up about Sue.

I didn't let her go
to a kid's party.

I don't care if Sue goes
to a party. I trust Sue.

Aww. Dad.

You know what else?

I didn't mind it
when the mailman

wasn't bundling our mail
into rubber bands.

But I yelled at him anyway.

And I didn't care
when The Frugal Hoosier

started charging
a nickel a bag,

but I marched
into the manager's office,

and I scared the hell
out of a 16-year-old boy.

The truth is,
I don't mind anything.

But you mind everything,

so then I got to mind it,
and you know why?

'Cause if mama ain't happy,
then nobody's happy.

But I'm happy.

And it's not like I told you
to do any of that stuff.

Oh, really?

So, when you tell me there's
a spider in the bathroom,

y-y-you don't want me
to do anything.

You're just giving me
the bug report.

Look, I'm sorry.

In my defense, I didn't even
know you were listening.

So...

you really
yelled at the mailman

and that kid
at The Frugal Hoosier?

I never knew you did that.

That is so sweet!

Well, it's not like
I come home bragging

about who I yelled at that day.

Are there others?

I don't know.
Maybe.

Well, this was fun,
but I got to get back to work.

I'm in serious crunch time.

Ohh.

Crunch time.
It's not a new pretzel.

It's a new way
of thinking about pretzels.

I'm not product development.
I'm advertising.

I'm a slogan man!

I'm gonna need a piano.

So, Mike and I were resigned
to a life with wind chimes,

and Axl was resigned
to a life with Kenny.

So, if you have a fridge,
that'd be great.

Oh, and if we put ourselves
in the lottery,

we might get
one of those big corner rooms,

so... that'd be good.

Plus, we already have
all of our inside jokes.

There are two cushions
on this couch

and three "Revenges"
on my phone!

"Dear valued customer,

thank you for your recent call
to our idea hotline.

Please enjoy the enclosed
with our compliments."

"10 cents off your next purchase
of Sutter Farms pretzels".

My first paycheck!

That night, in addition
to the sound of wind chimes,

I had a slightly more annoying
sound ringing in my ears --

the sound of Mike being right.

And he was.

If I had left everything alone,

the wind-chime problem would
have ten care of itself,

'cause eventually the Glossners
take a bat to everything.