The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Smell - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

[ Sniffs ]

Hmm.

Mike, smell this.

I'm not smelling that.

I swear I've been through
everything in here,

and the stench is not coming
from the fridge.

Hey, Brick, did you go through
your backpack?

Are you sure you don't have a yogurt
or something in there from last year?

Unh-unh.
I lost my backpack.

Seriously?



Well,
where did you last have it?

That's kind of
what makes it lost, mom.

Well, how are you
doing your homework?

Oh, this isn't homework.

I'm just writing down
all the colors I like.

I don't know if it's 'cause
I'm getting older,

but I've warmed up to periwinkle
considerably.

Periwinkle.

I think I smell it more
in the nighttime.

Really? I smell it more
when I get up.

Doesn't seem like a food smell.
I'm thinking maybe it's mold.

No, it's more a cross

between baby spit-up
and rotting animal flesh.

Hm.



Remember the conversations
we used to have

when we were dating?

Mm.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, Mike.
How's it --

[ Sniffs ] Whoa.

We're zeroing in on it.

What's with the whistle?

Oh. Yeah! Coaching
Nicole's soccer team now.

Just heading to practice --
thought maybe I'd come by

to see if I could borrow
that ball pump.

Uhh...

Oh.

Lucky for you, we're not big
on putting things away.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, this might sound crazy,

but I could really use
an assistant coach.

I know you did some coaching
back in the day.

Come on --
when Axl was little.

Yeah, back-to-back
city t-ball champs.

But I'm retired.

Oh, come on!
It'd be fun!

We could hang out, you know?
Get some fresh air.

We could even
go out for beers after.

Well, I've done a lot less
for beer.

Oh, we're also looking
for some more girls

to help fill out the roster,

so I don't know
if Sue is into joining stuff,

- but maybe she could play on the team.
- Aaaaaaaaah!

I would love
to be on the soccer team.

I don't exactly have
soccer gear,

but I could use my shorts
from volleyball,

my cleats
from field-hockey tryouts,

my tennis wristbands,

and, if it gets cold,
my wrestlerettes sweatshirt.

Looks like you got yourself
an assistant coach.

[ Chuckles ]
All right.

So, you can't go to the chi-o
party 'cause of this painting?

No, I can't go to the party

'cause I might have
a girlfriend.

Oh, you might have a girlfriend,
so you can't go to the party

'cause you don't want to cheat
on the girlfriend

- that you may or may not have.
- Exactly.

And the answer's
in this painting?

I don't know.
Maybe, but --

[ Sighs ]
We made out the whole time.

Then she gave me this painting,
told me it explains everything,

and that was it.

Well, why don't you call Cassidy
and just ask her what it means?

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, right.

You wouldn't call up
Michelangelo

and tell him you don't
understand the "Moaning Lisa."

Dude,
it's the "Mona Lisa."

"Mona"?
That's not even a word.

[ Groans ]
I don't get art.

Well, there's something
I don't get nearly enough,

and if I want a prayer
of getting it,

I got to take myself
to the chi-o party tonight.

Now, are you rolling with me
or not?

Have you not been listening
at all? I don't know.

And unless this fish or the guy
with the blue face knows,

I got to figure this out.

Well, you better figure it out by
10:00, son, or I'm taking Kenny.

Hey, Kenny, you want to be
my wingman tonight?

See?
Kenny's into it.

Looks like you got competition.

Mike:
Around the cones, and shoot!

Yes! Nice job!

Way to go, girls.

That's all for today.

Looking good out there, huh?
Got some talent.

Yeah, it's a great group, huh?

Listen, you're not
gonna believe this,

but that was my boss
on the phone.

He just put me on an audit panel
for the next month.

He needs me nights, weekends.

I feel terrible about this,

but I'm hoping
I can make it back by playoffs.

Wait. What?

The one thing
that makes me feel better

is that I am leaving the team
in such great hands.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Damn.

I got to get this.

Thanks, man.
Really appreciate it.

Wh--

[ Sobbing ]
Oh, my God.

I can't find my earring
anywhere.

I think it came out
while we were playing,

and I have to find it

'cause it's the earrings
my boyfriend gave me

for... our...
six-week anniversary!

Okay. All right.

Take it easy.
It's not a big deal.

What?!
It is so a big deal!

It looks like this.

Oh. Good.

A tiny earring
in a giant field.

How hard can that be?

Sue: Dad!

She got them from her boyfriend

for their six-week
anniversary!

[ Sighing ] Oh, boy.

Okay.

It's not under the house.

But, if you're curious,

bat mothers
do nurse their young.

So...

I guess we're gonna have to
concentrate our efforts inside.

Well, can't be any harder

than finding an earring
in a field.

All right, I've narrowed it down
to these three rooms.

So, Mike,
you take the living room.

I got the kitchen.
Sue, you get the dining room.

[ Claps ] We can do this,
people, okay?

I know it's repulsive,
but use your noses.

Really get in there.

Maybe we should just move.

Anyplace we could afford

would probably smell
worse than this one.

[ Sniffing ]

- Oh! - Ooh!
- Oh-ho!

Found it.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Axl.
What's up?

Um, you guys are girls, right?

You mind if I get your opinion
on something?

Sure.
Come on in.

Renee: Oh! Pretty.

Did you do it?

No, my girlfriend did.

Well, uh, my maybe girlfriend.

Look, I dated this girl,
Cassidy, in high school,

and, uh, she was the first girl

I ever, you know,
really loved and stuff.

- Aww! - Aww!
- Aww! - Aww!

Yeah. Anyway...

we kind of got back together
last week over spring break,

and it was awesome,
but all week, I'm like,

"Does this make us
a thing again?".

But we never talked,
and, instead, she gave me this

and said it explains us,

but I have no clue
what it means,

and you got to help me,
'cause I'm losing my mind.

Am I with this girl or not?

Well, look, that's a girl,
and that's probably a guy.

And -- oh, you see how they're
all entwined in the same tree?

You're definitely together.

No, they're not even
facing each other.

I think it might be over.

Chloe: You know, I once
broke up with my boyfriend

with a sculpture.

Did he understand it?

Well, I threw it at him, so I'm
pretty sure he got the message.

Danica: - I don't know.
Renee: - I think they're done.

Anybody notice the spider
on the bird? That's weird.

I mean, look at
her facial expression.

Chloe:
I think she likes fish...

She's, like,
thinking about the future.

Is that a cupcake?

[ Whistle blows ]

All right, that's halftime.
Bring it in.

[ Applause ]

[ Sighs ]

What's going on with you guys?

We're not moving the ball
at all.

April, why aren't you passing
to Sydney?

She knows why.

What do you mean,
"She knows why"?

Oh, my God! You guys broke up
two months ago!

Besides, he asked me out.

Well, you didn't
have to say yes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody just relax.

None of that has anything
to do with soccer.

We're talking about what we're
gonna do in the second half.

[ Cellphones beep ]
Now, I want the forwards --

Why are you all on your phones?

We're -- we're talking
about the game here.

Uh, so am I.
I'm Instagramming the score.

Well, I'll tell you the score.
It's 8-0.

We're getting our butts kicked.

Yes. Haley.

Can I go to the bathroom?

If you have to go
to the bathroom, yeah, sure.

Hey, wh--

hey!
You're not all going!

We got a game to play here.

What's his problem?

[ Scoffs ]
Geez, relax, dude.

Yeah. What's with
coach crankypants?

Actually, dad, you're not really
that cranky today.

You're doing great.

It's just I got to fit in
with the other girls.

So, if you hear me saying things
about the new coach,

I just want you to know
I don't really mean them.

Wait -- what things?

Oh, I don't know.
A ton of stuff.

Uh, "Coach never smiles,
coach wears too much flannel,

I think he drinks."

It's nothing
they're not saying already.

Look, Brick,
the fact that you stink

is nothing
to be embarrassed about.

It's just your hormones
waking up and telling you

that things are changing
in there.

Yeah, lately, I noticed
when I wear corduroys, I --

No need to go into details.

Now, I know you've recently
expressed an interest in girls.

And if you want
that interest reciprocated,

you're gonna have to put in
a little effort.

Like you and dad do?

Like me and dad used to do.

I think the thing you'll want
to do is have fun with it.

I'm gonna leave you here
to pick out

whatever smell
suits your fancy --

deodorant, shower gel,
cologne, body spray.

Go nuts. Get it all.
I'm buying.

Mm.

Oh. Check the ingredients.
Nothing natural.

We got to hit that
with chemicals.

Would I like
Summer Breeze Dou-Shay?

Wrong side of the aisle, Brick.

Stay away
from the pinks and purples.

You want the reds, blacks,
and grays --

anything with a stripe.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Danica:
Knock, knock.

Hi, Axl.
You got a second?

Uh, sure.
Come on in.

So, I was just thinking
about you and the painting

and how confusing
it must be for you

with this girl you like
who might not like you back.

I mean, I had no idea

you'd be so sensitive
to something like this.

Honestly, I sort of thought

you were just the dumb jock
across the hall,

but you're not.

It's like I'm seeing you
in a whole new way.

Anyway, I felt so bad for you,

I thought I'd make some cookies
to cheer you up.

Cool. Thanks.

[ Chuckles ]

So, I'm going to the library
later, if you want to come.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]
Brick, what are you doing?

I can't decide.

Do I want to smell like
a polo player or a yachtsman?

I don't want girls
to think I'm an athlete,

but if I smell like
a boat owner,

they might think I'm a snob.

Frankly, neither one's
a great choice for me.

Okay, you're overthinking this.

Just get something
that smells good so we can go.

I'm gonna find some
air freshener for the house,

and when I get back, I want you
to have this figured out.

[ Spray hisses ]
Ick! It's in my mouth!

[ Sighs ]

Okay. I guess you're not ready
to do this by yourself.

Remember,
the defenders like to play up,

so don't be afraid
to send the ball way deep.

We might be able
to catch them out of position.

Okay, now, last thing --

I said before
I'm gonna collect all phones.

Let's give them up.

- [ Sue scoffs ]
- Come on.

Here we go.
Nikki, let's have it.

I just texted you.

[ Ringtone plays ]
I need my phone back.

No.
We got a game to play.

Now come on. Hands in.
Huddle it up.

Haley, where are you going?

I don't want
to stand by Jordan.

Well, I don't want
to stand by you, either.

Okay, let's skip the huddle.
Go play.

I sense
a washed-up, old jock

who's trying to relive
his glory days through us.

[ Laughs ]

Mike: Don't try to dribble
around her.

No! No.

- [ Grunts ]
- Whoa.

[ Whistle blows ]
Hang on. Time out.

Lauren, what happened?
You all right?

- [ Crying ] I'm hurt.
- Where?

My heart.

What?!

Trevor broke up with me!

[ Scoffs ]

Where did you get this?!

I thought I took all of these.

Oh, my God.
She so gave you a fake phone.

[ Sighs ]

All right, come on, Lauren.
You're out of the game.

Girl:
Way to go, Lauren!

[ Sighs ]
Oh, no, no.

Don't -- don't clap for that.
She's not hurt.

She's not hurt!

Here you go.

Axl!

Axl.

Hey!

Uh, I was just thinking about
what you said, and, well...

I just feel like you should
forget about that girl.

I mean, why do
the whole long-distance thing

when somebody's treating you
like this?

I mean, there are tons of girls
you could go out with --

maybe even some around here.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry.

My towel's, like, slipping.

And I know Jordan didn't have
the best game,

but that's 'cause
she just got a haircut.

She wanted the front
to be longer than the back,

but it all ended up being
the same length,

and it came out like a bob.

I mean, it's not her fault.
She brought a picture!

And, dad, I don't want
to tell you how to coach

but I would not play a girl
who just got a haircut.

[ Telephone beeps ]
Well... that was the school.

They called to officially
tell us our son smells.

- What? Still?
- Yeah.

Apparently, it's bothering
the other students.

One even had to
go to the nurse.

I thought you said
you took him to the store.

I did. We cleaned out
the whole aisle.

Maybe he forgot to put it on.

Look, it's one thing
to be weird and antisocial,

but you throw stinky
into the mix, you're a hobo.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Ringtone plays ]
What is that noise?

And how come I have 45 texts?

[ Click ]

Jason says I looked hot today.

Haiden wants me to know
that her parents just left.

"It's on."

I'm pretty sure
this is not my phone.

Mm. Well, that explains why you're
not holding a bucket of chicken.

I'm telling you, Frankie,
I've coached a lot of teams.

This is the hardest thing
I've ever done.

These girls can play.
That's not the question.

But, for some reason,
when you get them all together,

they're a bunch of nutjobs.

I'm starting to think

Bill's whole audit-panel thing
was a scam.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Okay, Brick, what's the deal?

I bought you
all that deodorant and stuff,

and you didn't even --

- Whoa!
- Whew!

Frankie: Turns out Brick did
use the stuff -- all of it.

[ Spray hisses ]

[ Sighs ]

By the way,
I'm out of deodorant.

So, while I tried
to get the stink off Brick,

Mike knew the only way
to get the stink off the team

was to come up with
a new game plan.

Okay, Melanie and Amber, you're
gonna make the first move.

When I blow the whistle, you're
gonna cross right to Lauren

and tell her that secret
you've been keeping from her.

I don't want to know what it is.
Just tell her.

See this little X down here?

All by itself?

That's you, Jordan.

No more pouting
about your hair.

It was just a big change, and we
all had to get used to it.

Now, Haley and April,

I want you to form a wall
in front of Jordan --

a wall of niceness.

And I want you to tell her
how great her hair looks

and then text her or tweet her
or tag her

or whatever... it is you do

to tell everyone
that you like it.

And then, after that,
we're all gonna play soccer.

Dude, you've gotten more
attention from this painting

than you have
your entire year here.

Yeah,
but what good does it do me?

I don't know
if I can act on any of it.

Call her and ask her!

Hey, it's not all me.

I mean, she hasn't called me,
either -- or texted me.

There's no way
she could think we're together.

[ Sighs ]
I don't have a girlfriend.

You don't have a girlfriend!

Then again,
she did paint this for me.

And it must have taken her
a while.

I mean, she had to wait for
the paint to dry and everything.

There's no way
you'd do all that

for someone
you're just gonna break up with.

I have a girlfriend!

You have a girlfriend!

Yeah.

I don't need to date
a bunch of random hotties

who just want me
'cause I'm sensitive

and have feelings and stuff.

[ Chuckles ] I got Cassidy.
She's awesome.

Paige: Hey, Axl.

We're gonna go play mud football
in the quad. Want to come?

I got to call Cassidy.

Excuse me, coach?

Hi.
I'm Jordan's dad.

First of all,
you're doing a great job.

One quick thing,
though --

I just want to talk to you
about Jordan's playing time.

I noticed that you're not...

Yep -- unfortunately,
it wasn't just the players

who were a pain in the butt.

I noticed in the snack schedule

that Thursday's
supposed to be doughnuts.

Now, I don't mean to complain,

but the snacks
really need to be healthier.

It's just that Lauren's kind of
going through a rough time.

Look, I'm not saying
Jordan's not good,

but, between you and me,

you really think
she's center-forward material?

I'm just saying, if you want
to make the playoffs,

Jordan's your girl.

She broke up with her boyfriend!

I made you this printout.

- My daughter...
- My Sydney... - My kid...

But, hey, it's your team.

[ Sighs ]

Hey... you.

It's... me, your...

Axl.

Oh. Hey.

This is a surprise.

Oh, yeah?
Why's that?

I mean, the two of us,
we're kind of a...

[ Chuckles ]

Look,
I didn't get the painting.

What?

Yeah, I've been staring
at this thing for a week,

and I still have no clue
what it means.

Blue-faced guy?

[ Chuckles ]
Is that supposed to be me?

If so,
then I guess the girl's you.

But what's she looking at,
anyway?

Those books over there or...

[ Gasps ] Hey!

Kind of like you were

when we met in the study room
at the library.

Oh, wait!

This floating crown
thing --

is that, like,
when I got prom king?

Yeah. See, it's --

Ha! I'm totally
getting this now.

The fish
from when we went to that lake.

The leaves
'cause it was fall when we met.

Not getting the acorn, though.
What's that about?

Unless...
it's not an acorn.

It's... a football
with snow on it!

It's the night we kissed
after the game

when I scored four touchdowns!

Boom!
I'm on a roll!

Okay, so, if all that stuff
happened to us,

then we are...

the tree people growing
in opposite directions and --

Oh, wait! I got this!

They're broken up!

They're --
they're broken up.

[ Sighs ]

Axl, look, you'll always hold
a special place in my life.

I just don't want a boyfriend
800 miles away.

And the truth is, Axl,

you don't want a girlfriend,
either.

That would really suck.

You should have fun.

You should make so many memories
in college,

you'll need a hundred paintings
to hold them all.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Okay. I get it.

Um...

thanks again for the painting.

[ Clears throat ]
I'll see ya.

So long, Axl.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Well, Kenny, I finally get art.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Art hurts.

Whew. My God.

Three days, and it still smells

like a cologne factory
out there.

I swear -- I hosed Brick off,
made him bathe in tomato juice,

rubbed him down
with odor-eaters,

and still, any room he's in

immediately becomes
a European nightclub.

And, by the way, shouldn't you
be handling the boy hygiene?

Why am I dealing with this?

You serious?

Y-you want to take a crack
at coaching the soccer team?

You know how many e-mails
I got today? 27.

I haven't gotten 27 e-mails
in my life.

One dad actually sent me

a spreadsheet
of his daughter's playing time.

Jordan went on for five pages
about how I hurt her feelings

when I asked her
to pick up cones after practice.

And Nikki wants to miss
next week's game

'cause the season finale
of Awkward is on --

- whatever that is.
- Geez.

I'll tell you what else. I think
I was right about Bill Norwood.

I think he knew
this was Team Crazytown,

and he dumped them on me.

I swear, the other day,
I saw him in his van

in the parking lot
watching practice.

Ugh.

I'm sorry.
Parents are lunatics.

They really are.

So, is Sue getting
any playing time?

'Cause I think it would be
so good for her self-esteem.

[ Laughs ]
Put it in an e-mail.

[ Door closes ]

Okay, Melanie.
Send it.

Really looking good.
Moving the ball on the attack.

Yeah, thanks.

When they're playing,
they're great.

I've been traveling,

so it's the first practice
I've made it to.

Oh, yeah?

Mm.

You gonna be in town a while?

'Cause I've been looking
for an assistant coach.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, I-I don't know.

Oh, come on.
It's fun.

The girls are great.
You get a ton of fresh air.

Maybe afterwards,
we can get some beers.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, my wife has been on me

about spending more time
with Gracie, and I-I --

Okay. What the hell?

I'm in.

Great.

Oh, just one more thing.

I just got nailed
with this big project at work,

so I'm not gonna be around
for the next few weeks.

But I will definitely be back
for the playoffs.

I feel better

knowing I'm leaving the team
in such good hands.

Uh...

[ Scoffs ]
Come on, man. Still?

It's been two days.

You got to get up
and go outside.

Your vitamin D levels
must be plummeting.

I don't know.
I'm just not in the mood yet.

Hi.

We just thought
we'd see how you're doing.

Let's see. Um...
[ Clears throat ]

Well,
I talked to my girlfriend.

Or should I say
"ex-girlfriend"?

Turns out
it was a breakup painting.

She dumped me.

- Aww! - Aww!
- Aww! - Aww!

Cuse me!

Can I ask your opinion
on something?

My girlfriend painted this
for me...

All right, Brick,
this is all it is. Watch.

Swipe... swipe... squirt,

and you're out.

Really? Are you sure
I'm getting enough?

I feel like I need more.

No. That's it.

Well, can I do that thing
where I make a mist cloud

and walk through it?

No. You may not.

Huh. Who knew
it was so simple?

You smell good.

Thanks.

Are you
dou-shaying yet?

Well, you know what they say --

you can lead a boy
to deodorant,

but you can't make him smooth
with the ladies.

[ Girls shouting indistinctly ]

Bill: Oh, I can't believe
Lauren missed that save!

It was right to her.

Well, she hasn't been the same
since Trevor broke up with her.

Aw, they broke up?

But he just got her
the earrings.

I know.

So, what's the snack today?

Fiddle Faddle.

Ohh! Gonna get some e-mails
about that.

Yeah, that's just bad coaching
right there.