The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Middle - full transcript

A hard day's work--

it's the cornerstone
of the American dream.

Why do we do it?

To keep us
in our lavish lifestyles.

Damn it.

We're out of crackers.

Tough day at the office?

Yeah. I got bad news
from Corporate.

They're making me take
a paid vacation.

They say
it's mandatory--

some sort of...
insurance issue.



Oh, no.
A paid vacation?

Do you want to tell the kids
or should I?

That's not funny.
What am I gonna do?

It's not like
I can go anywhere.

You don't have to go anywhere.

You know, I heard that,
these days,

celebrities are taking
what they call a staycation.

Pbht. Yeah.

I bet wherever they're staying

is a hell of a lot nicer
than this place.

I'm sorry.

Look,
I-I-I just don't like

being forced to relax
against my will.

You know what?
You're a weirdo.



You're always talking
about how Brick's a weirdo,

but you're a weirdo,
and that's where he gets it.

- No offense, Brick.
- None taken.

Whoop!

Oh! So, I was
at the Frugal Hoosier today.

I saw a kid
that looked exactly like Axl.

I'm not kidding.
He was a dead ringer.

I almost went over
and kissed him.

Easy, Frankie. You'll see him
after spring break.

Why does he
have to go to Florida?

What does Florida have
that we don't?

Beaches, young people, hope.

I just miss him, Mike.
I want to talk to him.

So call him. He's still
up at school for a couple days.

Mm. If I call him,
he'll be all, "Oh, this is Axl.

Leave a message after the beep."

He does that sometimes,
and I know it's not the machine.

I love spring break so much!

Some of my co-workers
at the potato place

are going on trips
with their families,

so I get to work double shifts
the whole vacation!

Don't rub it in.

Oh! I'm gonna go tape up
my new schedule.

You know what?
Both you guys are weird.

Am I the only normal American
that hates their job?

So, after fixing
the cabinet door

and organizing his box of wire,

Mike started to settle into
the idea of vacation.

Look at you, Mr. "I'm not
gonna enjoy my vacation."

So, what's on the docket
for day number 1?

Uh, well, I think I'll finally
re-watch the Colts Super Bowl,

catch up
on a little local news,

then I might take a nap

while my lady
brings home the bacon.

Hm.

Seriously, can you
bring home some bacon?

I want to make a sandwich
later.

Hi, dad.

So, I was thinking,
since we're both on vacation,

that it'd be a good time for you
to redeem all your coupons.

What coupons?

All those coupons I made
for you over the years.

You know, for Father's Day,
your birthday, and whatnot.

Oh. Wow.

Brick, uh...

those were great,
but I'm--

I don't even know
where they are.

You don't know where they are?

No.

Uh, they're...

You know, uh,
obviously very special to me.

I bet your mom
put them somewhere.

Well, where do you think
she put them?

I don't know,

but they're definitely not
between me and the TV.

There you go.

Okay, that's 22 cents
in the Disney World jar

and 22 cents
in the new-car jar.

I can't believe I have a job

where I get paid
minimum wage and tips.

Whatcha working on?

I'm banging out
a scathing review

of my cardio barre class
on Yelp.

I used to have this awesome teacher
named Dan who totally rocked.

I mean, he really pushed me.

I just wanted to please him.

Then they replaced him
with Colleen, and I am sorry--

Colleen just does not
get me going like Dan.

Wait.

Does Yelp have reviews
for all kinds of stuff?

Would they have a review
for, like... Spudsy's?

- Probs. Let's check it out.
- Ooh!

"Yummy potatoes.
Best potato place in town.

Totally delish."

Aah!

"I was there Tuesday night,

and the girl who served me
was super-slow.

By the time I got my potato,
it was cold.

♪EpicPotatoFail."

Wait. I was working
Tuesday night.

Well, I'm sure it wasn't you.

No, it had to be.
I was the only counter girl.

Brittany had the stomach flu,

so they made her go in the back
and whip the sour cream.

"F" to the "Y" to the "I"--
this is so not a big deal.

Uh, it is a huge deal, Brad.

MallRat37 thought
my service was slow,

and now
it's all over the internet.

Everyone in the world
is gonna read this!

You know what? Maybe this was
just the wake-up call I needed.

I used to study my Spudsy
manual every night before bed,

and now I just
write in my diary

or wish on stars
if it's a clear night

and go straight to sleep.

Starting now, I am gonna
rededicate myself to my work.

Oh. Look at you.

Still in your sweats,
playing cards, drinking beer.

- Is that a chilled mug?
- Yep.

I got to tell you, you were right
about this whole vacation thing.

See? I knew
this would be good for you.

This is why
you have to listen to me.

You know, sometimes--

Frankie, I said you were right.

You know,
I must be going through

some serious Axl withdrawal--
that or he has a twin,

'cause I thought I saw him
again, on the drive home.

Really? I don't even
see the kids when they're here.

Yeah, it's pretty bad, Mike.

Last night, I went in his room
and smelled his pillow.

That doesn't sound like
a great idea.

Mm.
It was pretty rank.

Is that the mail?

Yeah.
Nothing but bills.

And we accidentally got
some of the Donahues' mail.

You've been here all day.

Why didn't you
take it over there?

My wife told me to relax.

Good news.

I found the coupons.

Uh, really?

Yeah.

There was a bunch of them
in the basement,

some were in the garage,

a couple were crumpled
underneath your bed,

and I found this one
for Father's Day

tangled up in the cords
behind the TV.

Oh, good. You found
all my special places.

Well, we've got a ton of coupons
to get through.

I don't know which one
you want to start with.

We might want to knock
this one out for 100 hugs.

Oh.

All right.

One, two...

- three, four...
- You know...

- ...that's a lot of hugging at once.
- ...five...

- maybe we could spread
them out a little bit. - ...six...

No problem.
What's your pleasure?

We've got, uh...

Ooh, breakfast in bed,

a scalp massage...

...car wash,
mowing the lawn,

bring you
your pipe and slippers.

Ooh! Here's one
for two minutes of tickle time.

Hmm.

Uh...

Not that this isn't
a lot fun buddy,

but, uh, I was kind of
in the middle of a card game.

Can I play?

Well, it's called solitaire,
so...

Oh. Hold the phone.

You are in luck.

I happen to have a coupon

for an afternoon of go fish
with yours truly.

Eh-- mm.

All right, uh,
do you have any 9s?

Any 9s?

You're next.

Ohh!

That's easy!

- Yahtzee!
- Whoo!

Yeah!

Do you have any kings?

Yes, I do.
Okay. That's it, then.

Oh, look.
Your mom's home.

Axl is over at the Donahues'.

- What?
- Yeah.

He's over there playing Yahtzee
with the whole family.

I knew that was him
I saw roaming around town.

I can't believe
he's been here for two days

and he didn't come home.

That lying, sneaky little jerk.

Did you tell him that?

No, I was hiding in the bushes
outside the window.

Ooh! I am so mad,
I can't even see straight.

Surprise!
I'm home!

Are you, Axl?
Are you home?

So you just drove home
straight from college?

Well, I, you know,
made a few stops.

Oh, did you?

Did you stop at the Donahues'
for two days?

Yeah, that's right, Axl.
I saw you.

I saw you
at the Frugal Hoosier.

I wanted to kiss you,
but I should've punched you.

Whoa! Take it easy.
What's the big deal?

Yeah, I decided to come home
for a few days,

but then I ran into Sean,

and we ended up playing Xbox
till like 4:00 in the morning.

Then, in the morning,

Mrs. Donahue was making these
awesome blueberry pancakes,

so I hung around for breakfast.

And then we shot some hoops,
so I stayed for dinner.

And, I mean, I was totally
gonna come home after that,

but it was family game night.

I didn't want to hurt
Mrs. Donahue's feelings.

What about my feelings?

Did it ever occur to you
to play family games with me?

Why would I do that?

Because I'm your family!

Why are you so mad?

I wasn't even
supposed to come home.

I was gonna go
straight from school to Florida,

but I thought it'd be cool
to surprise you.

And I would've been surprised
if you'd come to our house

instead of the neighbors'.

See? This is why
I don't do anything nice.

You didn't do anything nice!

Maybe I should give mom
one of these hugs.

Probably not the right time.

You don't care
if I'm hanging at college,

so why do you care
if I'm hanging at the Donahues'?

I don't get why you're so mad.

You know what, Axl?
I'm-- I'm not mad. I'm hurt.

I'm hurt that you would
come all the way home

and not want to spend time
with your own family.

Why?! I'm not even
supposed to be here!

This is, like, bonus Axl time.
You should be thanking me.

Thank you, Axl.
Thank you so much.

Pbht. Hey.

Okay. That's good.
Thanks for that.

But the scalp-massage coupon
is for 30 minutes.

Uh, uh... maybe we could
take the rest on credit.

I'd really like
to knock this out today.

Mm.

Okay, now MallRat37 is saying
my service was too fast.

"The girl who served me
seemed rushed.

She put my potato together

as if she had
somewhere more important to be.

On top of that,
she was completely impersonal.

She barely even
made eye contact."

If you don't mind, Sue,
dad's trying to watch a game.

I guess
I just got to try harder.

I mean, after all,
the customer is always right.

Even if they completely
contradict themselves.

So, Axl spent a grand total
of 27 hours at home--

most of it sleeping--

but it was all worth it
when he came in and said...

Lates!
I'm heading to Florida!

Wait.

- So you're leaving now?
- Yep.

Driving straight through
'cause everyone's gonna meet

in time
to hit the beach tomorrow.

Next time you see me,

my flesh will be
burnt to a crisp.

So you're just gonna
drive all night, then?

Yep.

Did you check your car?

Did you put new duct tape
on the headlight?

- Do you have enough gas?
- It's covered!

So, do you have directions
for where you're going?

I'm not an idiot.

Huh?

Wait-- those are
your directions?

It's a napkin with a map on it.
It's a map-kin. Later.

Okay, well, drive safe.
And if you get tired, pull over.

You're coming back Monday,
right?

Yes!

- To this house?
- We'll see.

Did someone order
breakfast in bed?

Whoa.

I didn't know
how many eggs you wanted,

so I just made all of them.

We're gonna need
to go to the store

to buy more eggs
for tomorrow's breakfast.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

You've got
six more of these babies.

Ah.

Mmm.

Hey.

This seems like a good time

to redeem
one of your joke coupons.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Wait. I-I think you're
supposed to say "Knock knock."

Knock knock.

Hmm. That doesn't sound right,
either.

Let's try a different joke.

A guy walks into a bar...

I hope it's me.

I will take a classic
with no chives.

Coming right up.

And a large orange drink,
please-- no ice.

One jumbo orange, hold the ice.

That can't be good.

So... what happened?

Well, y'all
cracked your engine block.

Hmm. So is that, like,
a duct-tape situation?

I mean, how much would it cost
to fix something like that?

Ah, more than the car's worth.

Hmm.
Here's the thing.

Uh... this car was a graduation
gift from my parents.

Oh, well,
why didn't you say so?

I can give you
the graduation-gift special.

Really?

No.

You have a collect call from...

Axl.

Would you like
to accept the charges?

Yes.

Hello?

Uh...

Mommy?

You are not gonna believe this.

I just got a call from Axl.

He took off for Florida
without even checking his oil,

and now his car is ruined,

he's got no money,
no way to get home,

and he called me collect 'cause
he forgot his phone charger.

Tell me-- based on
everything we know about Axl,

why wouldn't I believe that?

He wants us to come
to Chattanooga and pick him up.

I wouldn't recommend
walking on these boots

for at least half an hour.

That's stupid. Why would you
even think about doing that?

Because he's our son and
he's on the side of the road.

He's Mr. Smart Guy.

He got himself into this.
Let him get himself out.

You're right. He's horrible.
He is disrespectful.

There's no reason anyone should
lift a finger to help him.

And now I'm... getting in my car
to go get him.

Sue, whatever you do,
do not look at Yelp.

What? Why?

Just trust me-- I'm being
a really good friend right now.

Thanks, Brad. I won't.

N-o-o-o-o-o!

So, Mike finally found a way
to enjoy his staycation--

by staying a little farther
away from Brick.

Whoa.

Whoa, Brick.

Damn it, Brick.

Sorry. I was trying
to finish another coupon.

Enough with the damn coupons.

Nobody cares about the coupons.

Parents only
pretend to like them

'cause they don't want
their kids to feel bad.

All I'm trying to do
is enjoy this vacation

that I didn't want to take
in the first place.

And I can't even do that
'cause every time I turn around,

you're... polishing my boots
or singing me to sleep

or trying to kill me
with a lawn mower.

The only coupon I want is
unlimited leave-me-alone time.

And if you could read
anyone's reaction to anything,

you would get that.

Gah!

Your mom is wrong.

You're way weirder than I am.

It's locked.

I know. I haven't decided
if I'm gonna let you in yet.

Really?

You're gonna drive
all the way to Chattanooga

and not let me in the car?

You drove all the way to Orson
and didn't come to our house.

Oh, my God.
You're still mad about that?

Yes, but thanks to you, that's
been pushed far down the list

of the moronic things
you've done.

Get in.

Maybe I don't want to get in.

You know, you only focus
on the bad things I do.

I'm smart in a lot of ways.
You just never see it.

Whatever.
Have fun in Tennessee.

I'm in Tennessee?

Look, I'm, uh...

sorry I yelled at you
about those coupons.

I appreciate you
wanting to spend time with me

and do all those nice things.

I enjoy spending time
with you, too.

Oh. I don't care
about spending time with you.

You don't?

I just want to get those coupons
off my plate.

I mean, after all,
I did give them to you,

so those are services
I legally have to render.

And frankly, I don't want them
hanging over my head.

I don't want to be

in some important
business meeting someday

and get pulled out
to give you a scalp massage.

Brick, I was never gonna
hold you to those coupons.

If you want to just
tear them all up, be my guest.

Really?

Yeah.

Far be it from me to interrupt

any important business meeting
you might be running.

Thanks, dad.

And it's not that I don't want
to spend time with you.

It's just...
I don't want to feel obligated.

I-I think
it would be better

if we let things happen
naturally.

Okay.

Huh. Look at this.

We did 99 hugs.

We were only one away.

Well, want to knock out
number 100 right now?

Nah, I'm good.

Me too.

Okay, I know you said not to
look at Yelp, Brad, but I did.

Oh, Sue.

I have an advance copy
of the yearbook.

Don't look at that, either.

I just don't understand
what's going on here.

I mean, this whole thing
has gotten totally out of hand.

I got to find out
who MallRat37 is.

Oh, God!
It could be anybody!

Brad, give me your phone!

- No!
- Why not?

Is it because you're MallRat37?

Oh, my God!
It is you!

Sue, stage slap!

Nice try,
but that is not gonna do it!

This ends now!

Can I have
everybody's attention, please?

What is happening to us
as a society?

What kind of world
do we live in

where people
make nasty comments

and don't even have the decency
to sign their name?

Well, I am here today to say

that we are not gonna
put up with it anymore.

If people have
constructive criticisms,

then, please,
just say them to my face.

Your potatoes suck.

I said
"constructive criticism."

They taste like they've been
microwaved instead of baked.

Okay, that's not true.
They are pre-baked in Kansas.

But... my point is--

I feel like the pictures
misrepresent the food.

Well, they do have
food stylists,

but that's just
good advertising.

The pop's flat.

That's because it's 90% ice.

Okay, that is
a corporate issue.

T-they tell us
where to fill it.

I hate
the cheap, plastic forks.

We like real silverware.

Well, so did we, but people
put them in the trash.

Your potatoes
belong in the trash.

You know, my Aunt Ginny said,

"If you don't have
anything nice to say,

don't say anything at all."

Your aunt's stupid.

She's actually dead.

Why? Did she eat
one of your potatoes?

Pbhhht.

I don't know how to do this
anymore, Axl.

Do what?

This.

I mean, you say you want me
to treat you like an adult.

You want to do whatever
you want, go wherever you want,

you don't want me
asking you any questions,

but you want me
to come and pick you up

when your car breaks down.

I mean, I'm confused.

Am I your mom?
Am I not your mom?

I-I-I don't know
what you want from me.

You could've left me
some chips.

You know,
just be honest with me.

And, really, I don't even care
what your answer is.

When you were staying
with the Donahues,

did you think I'd be mad?

Did you think I'd be hurt?

I don't know. I guess I wasn't
really thinking about you at all.

Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.

W--

Look, it's... not like
I don't want you to be my mom

or that
I don't want to see you.

It's just...

you're kind of
in my face a lot.

I mean, when you were my age,
didn't you parents bug you?

Yeah, but my parents
were annoying.

Listen, this is all
new territory for me, too, Axl.

Y-you're my first.
I'm kind of flying blind here.

So help me out.
Tell me what you want.

I don't know.

You can ask me less questions.

And when I call home,
you can maybe try

not to tell me some long story

about some kid
I was friends with in preschool

who started a website.

And you can stare at me less.

Sometimes, I notice you
staring at me for no reason.

If I'm staring at you,

it's because I think you have
the most beautiful eyes

and perfect rosy cheeks

that you got
from your great-grandmother,

and I just...

love you so much.

Oh, come on, mom.
You're making this weird.

Look...

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Honestly,
I really didn't mean to.

From now on,
I'll... try to tell you

about more stuff
that's going on in my life

and try to stay at the neighbors'
less when I come home.

But you got to stop
worrying about me so much.

Axl, I'm your mom.

I'm never gonna stop
worrying about you.

But I'll try
to be cooler about it.

And I'll try not to bore you

with my long stories
on the phone.

But I am gonna stare at you,
all right? I just am.

- Ugh.
- Hey.

It's not like I'm going in your
room and sniffing your pillow.

Yeah.

Hello?

Really?

I was so mad when I left,
I forgot my purse,

and I didn't check
the gas gauge.

Got any coupons for picking up
a couple idiots in Tennessee?