The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 16 - The Middle - full transcript

Out here in the Middle,
we all have our heroes,

but for Sue Heck,
there was one hero

more super than all the rest.

♪ be careful on the internet ♪

♪ that skater boy
that you just met ♪

♪ might be a lonely convict
in a penitentiary ♪

♪ be careful
on the world wide web ♪

♪ be certain
of your Facebook friends ♪

♪ that dream boat you're in love
with might not exist ♪

♪ you've been catfished ♪

- Hello, my friends.
- Isn't he amazing?



Nobody gets us like he does.

As you know,
I've spent the last few months

roving the Great Plains
with my new seminar

"Teens 'n Screens,
What Would Jesus Tweet?"

Well, my travels took me

to the upper Peninsula
of Michigan,

where I crossed paths
with somebody

I think is pretty great,
and I'm guessing you will, too.

So, everybody give it up

for my dear friend,
Reverend Tammy!

♪ Jesus said in the Bible ♪

♪ "I am who am" ♪

♪ so if you IM Jesus,
you'll know it's really him ♪

♪ look up from your cellphones,
turn your computers off ♪



♪ cut the cord ♪

♪ you don't need a modem
to e-mail the Lord ♪

♪ be careful on the internet ♪

♪ you have no idea
who you just met ♪

♪ be careful on the internet ♪

♪ it's probably a weirdo,
you can bet ♪

Boom, sucka!

Three-point bed.

Dude.

This is the fifth time
you checked your phone.

Sorry. Thought I might hear
from Cassidy.

Think she came back into town
yesterday.

Ahh.

Get a little spring break
reunion?

Is Axsidy back in business?

First of all, it was "Caxl,"
and, no, I haven't seen her.

I mean, we've been talking
and texting and stuff,

and I told her I'd be home
and she told me she'd be home,

but we didn't set anything up.

Only one way
to set something up.

You got to make the move.

I don't want to look needy.

But you are really needy.

This is true.

Yep.

Hi, Axl.

Hey!
Cassidy, what's up?

Oh, not much.
What are you doing?

Nothing.

Me and Sean are just
playing around on my bed.

That didn't sound right.
Never mind.

Uh, hey, so if you're around,

you want to maybe, uh,
get together or something?

That could work.

How about later
I swing by your house?

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Sean and I just got to
hop in the shower.

Uh, separately.
Very separately.

I'll... just, uh, I'll see you later.

Uh...

Hey!

Hey.

So, uh, wow.

Great to see you.

How's, uh, it going?

You enjoying
your art history and stuff?

Yeah, I really am.

How about you? You enjoying
your football and stuff?

It's good. Yeah.

Really good.

Yeah.

Really good.

Whose brilliant idea was it
to cook in here?

There's burnt cheese
all over the quilt.

Brick, could you...

Forget it.

Frances Heck?

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Heck, we have a warrant
for your arrest.

My arrest? What?!

Are you kidding?

Everybody always thinks
we're kidding.

We're not kidding.

If you could please place
your hands behind your back--

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's happening here?

This is obviously
a huge mistake.

What am I being arrested for?

Ma'am, they'll explain
the charges down at the station.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Wait, wait, this is for real?

Anything you say
can and will be used against you

- in a court of law.
- This is serious?

Ow! Ah!

I have
rotator-cuff issues.

They say it's from sleeping
with my hands over my head.

You know, I tried,

but I can't fall asleep
any other way, and-- aah!

Brick!
Tell your dad what happened!

Okay.

Oh, and if you're going out,
get cereal.

I mean this is ridiculous.

How is there an outstanding
warrant for my arrest?

But for what?
I didn't get a summons.

There's got to be some mistake.

No.

Looks like the exact charge

is failure to return
library materials.

Brick.

Are you kidding?

You're seriously arresting me
for an overdue library book?

Mm-hmm.

That's what happens
when you ignore three letters

and two summons.

We aren't good
at going through the mail.

I tell everybody
we need a system,

but then nobody obeys
the system.

Look, we must not have realized
it was an official summons.

I probably thought it was one
of those appliance-store coupons

"summoning" me
to low, low prices.

Ma'am, when you make bail,

you'll have a chance to tell
your whole story to the judge.

But I'd streamline it a little.

I need bail now?
Are you kidding me?

Once again, ma'am, I can assure
you we are never kidding.

Would you, uh, please step over
to that X on the floor?

Might want to take
an extra one of those,

because as soon as I get home,
I'm gonna kill my son!

It was supposed to be
a jubilation celebration,

but with this Reverend Tammy
person, I'm just saying,

her voice--
extremely grating.

And her smile--
I wish you could've seen it.

It was so fake.

Hey.

You were out with Cassidy
pretty late last night.

What time did you end up
getting home?

I don't know.
Why do you care so much?

When I'm at school, you don't
know what time I'm out.

I don't care. Just if you
were dead in a ditch,

I'd have ordered
a medium pizza.

Hey, Frankie,
we got Shorty's pizza!

It's getting cold!

She was definitely
trying too hard.

Felt like she was
saying the words

but not really meaning it.

She was like a spiritual shrug.

And, like,
people were clapping,

but I think it was
just to be polite.

Oh, right.

I was supposed to tell you--
mom got arrested.

- What?!
- What are you talking about?

Yeah, that's right.
I got arrested.

And you know why
I got arrested?

Because apparently, someone's
been using my library card

without me knowing

and checking out books
and not returning them.

Based on the way
you're looking at me,

I'm assuming you think I know,

but honestly, I have no idea
who it could be.

It's you, Brick. I do know.
It's you.

Wait, they're arresting people
for overdue library books now?

That's ridiculous.

You know
what I find ridiculous?

You all sitting here eating
dinner while I rot in jail!

So, mom went to the slammer.

You all thought it'd be me
first, but it was mom.

It's hilarious.

Yes. It is hilarious.

I don't know which part
was the most hilarious.

Maybe when they
fingerprinted me,

or maybe when they
took my mug shot,

or maybe it was all those hours

spent sitting
on a very cold bench

waiting for my family
to come and pick me up,

'cause there's no way
they could possibly be

sitting around the kitchen
table, scarfing pizza,

forgetting they even have
a mother!

- My phone's on vibrate.
- I'm so sorry!

Battery's dead.

Hey, whatever happened
to my phone?

Oh, mom, I am so, so sorry.

I'd have been down there
in a second if I knew.

Oh,
and guess what else--

Reverend Timtom
has this new singing partner,

Reverend Tammy,
who is so not good.

And, I mean, everybody noticed.

I think I'm gonna have to
say something to him

so he knows how the teens
are reacting to this.

Sue.

Long day.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go wash
the jail off of me.

Enjoy your pizza.

Oh, hey, there, Sue Heck.

Hey, Reverend Timtom.

Hey, listen, do you think
I could have a word with you?

Well, sure thing.

You know I always have time
for you.

Just not a ton of time.

I'm running to a praise n' putt
mini-golf fundraiser, but shoot.

Okay, ever since
the jubilation celebration,

I've been kind of worried,

'cause it just seems like why
would you change something

that's already working,

'cause I think teens count
on a certain kind of consistency

'cause we have stuff getting
thrown at us every day.

Like last night,
my mom got--

You know, if this is about
moms and teens, you are in luck,

because Reverend Tammy
happens to be an expert.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
That's okay.

- Reverend Tammy?
- No, no, no.

Really, honestly, Reverend Timtom,
we can just do it another time.

Tammy, would you mind rapping
with my pal, Sue Heck, here?

Happy to lend an ear.
Hi, Sue Heck.

Timothy's told me
all about you.

Now, I'm gonna let you two
pow-wow.

You're in good hands, Sue Heck.

Aww.

And you,
I'll pick you up later.

Bye, babe.

Okay, the librarian said it's
just one book that's overdue,

and it's called
"Stormy Moon."

"Stormy Moon"?

"Stormy Moon."

Does not ring a bell.

Come on, it's about a moon.

Sounds kind of science-fictiony,
right?

Maybe it's in there with all
your "Planet Nowhere" books.

Oh, yeah!
That's a good idea.

You should go look in my room.

I am not hauling my butt
to court

to pay some 180-buck fine
for a stupid book

that you're too lazy
to look for.

Now, stop screwing around
and find it.

You do not want to mess with me.

I already have a record, people.
I got nothing to lose.

Wow.

Your mom got arrested.

I can see how you might be
feeling upset.

No, that's not really it.

Well, maybe you're
just concerned

about how your mom's feeling
right now.

No, no, not really.

No, that's not...

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Look, Sue,
at my sleepover jams,

after we have savior s'mores,

I get to rap
with a lot of girls

that are in the exact same
position as you.

And it's a really hard age,

because there's so much changing
in your bodies and at school.

Wrong.
Wrong again.

I think maybe you should just
lay it out there and--

and try talking to your mom
about how you feel.

Do you? Do you think
that's what I should do?

Maybe if you knew me
for longer than a day,

you'd know that that is actually
the exact opposite

of what I should do.

Because, you see,
that's sort of a piece

of, like, general advice
for general teens,

but it's not really very
Sue specific.

Um, maybe I could better express
myself through a song.

Let's see.

♪ Mary had one son
born on Christmas day ♪

♪ she was hoping
for a daughter ♪

But she didn't have much say.

All right!
I'm gonna stop you right there.

I'm sorry, but singing advice
doesn't really work for me.

I'm just not the kind of person
who responds to singing

as a way of solving
your problems.

So, yeah.

Okay, everybody up.

Ooh! Oh.

We are looking for a book called
"Stormy Moon" by PJ Wilcox,

and we are not doing
anything else ever again

until we find it, because I am
not going back in the slammer.

- Now?
- But I already looked.

But Orson is having
a teen crisis.

I just found the sun beam.

You know, on "The Brady Bunch,"

when they said they were
going to do something,

they all pitched in and did it.

The level of group determination
in that family

was just off the charts.

Here it's every man
for himself.

Well, we are gonna Brady
this situation right now.

So, there's, uh,
been a lot of late nights

with Cassidy, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

How's that going?

Fine.
We're just having fun.

All right.

But the only thing is,
we've been having so much fun,

that we haven't really had
any time to, you know, talk.

And the problem here is what?

Well, she's going back
to New York tomorrow.

I don't know if she wants
to keep in touch

and be, like, a thing,
or if she's more, "That was fun.

Have a nice life."

I just don't know
what she's thinking.

Who knows
what anybody's thinking?

Hell, I don't know
if your mom still likes me.

- Found it!
- Yes!

Guys, he's got it.

Brick found the book.

Oh, not the book.

I found these coupons
for half off at The Pie House.

Brick, look at my face.

Do you have any sense
of how angry I am right now?

Nothing pie wouldn't fix.

I will kill you.

Okay, uh, no offense, mom,

but Orson is losing its
number-one Christian role model,

and all you can think about
is a dumb book.

You have a dad, too.

Why don't you tell him
about any of this stuff?

It wouldn't kill him to listen
every once in a while, Mike.

Hey, I listen plenty,

but there's only so many hours
in the day,

and I got to spend
most of them at work

so I can pay off things like
overdue library books, Brick.

It's not my fault
I can't find the book.

I live with the messiest person
ever, Axl.

Hey, if I'm messy,

it's 'cause I'm crammed
into half a room

instead of having my own room

in a mansion
that we can't afford

'cause they put all our money
into Sue's mouth!

Oh! And why do you think
I need braces, Axl?

It is because you
drank all the milk

that I was supposed to get

to make my teeth
strong and healthy.

I never got one sip!

You just drained mom dry.

That is why I have
uncorrectable teeth

and Brick is a foot shorter
than he should be.

No! No! No!
D-d-don't blame that on me.

He's short 'cause he's hunched
over a book all the time!

That's why all of his growth
spurts are all this way.

He keeps going,
he's gonna be an O.

Maybe I read all the time

'cause dad never took
an interest in me.

He's too busy
coddling the milk hoarder.

You know what?
This is very un-Brady.

Blaming each other
isn't getting us anywhere,

so if we can't find the book,

we'll just have to
take Brick down there

and throw ourselves
on the mercy of the court.

That--
that's a thing, right?

Meanwhile, Sue was preparing
to make a case of her own.

Yeah, I know how you feel,
you know how I feel.

We've talked it to death.
Let's just leave it.

No, that's what you always
want to do.

You just shut down.

I'm not shutting down.

We've been discussing it
for an hour.

Well, I'm sorry that I've wasted
all your time

with something as trivial
as my feelings.

Well, don't worry.
I won't bother you anymore.

Hello?

Hey, Reverend Timtom.

Hey, Sue Heck.

Something I can help you with?

Oh, no.

Uh, I-I was gonna talk to you
about something,

but it's all right.

I'm good now.

Come on.

Pull up a chair.
I insist.

Sorry.

Uh, rough day.

So, what's on your mind?

Well, I guess you could say

I have
a big problem with--

Ugh, what am I doing?

No, I came here to say
bad things about Reverend Tammy,

and that is so mean of me.

Her teen advice was spot on,

and I just threw it
back in her face.

Oh, Sue.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Feelings are complicated.

But I was praying
you two would have a fight

and that she would slink back
to Grand Rapids,

and now you two
have had a fight,

and you seem really upset.

So, I take it you overheard
our little tiff?

No, no.

Yes.

Sue, let me give you
some advice.

No! Don't.

I really, really,
really want it,

but I don't deserve it.

I have been so selfish.

If you were happy,
I should be happy for you.

Now you're unhappy,
and it makes me unhappy.

I am doubly unhappy.

Oh, but I feel bad

'cause I don't want to make it
about me being unhappy.

Oh, Sue, don't you understand?

Making you feel better
makes me feel better.

It's what I do.
It's how I roll.

And the fact
that you're unhappy,

that proves that you're not
selfish at all.

♪ oh, how I hate it
when we disagree ♪

♪ I don't want
to be mad at you ♪

♪ I don't want you
to be mad at me ♪

♪ let's make up,
let's make up ♪

♪ let's make up,
let's make up ♪

You want to talk
about feelings?

I'll talk about them
all day long.

You know what?
We don't have to.

♪ let's just keep
singing this song ♪

♪ let's make up,
let's make up ♪

♪ let's make up,
let's make up ♪

Case 1492B,

the city of Orson
versus Frances Heck

in the matter
of unpaid library fees,

avoiding a summons,
and failure to appear.

Frances Heck, present.

Hi. I've appeared.

Mrs. Heck, this court recommends
that you plead no contest

and pay the $180 fine,

and then we can all get on
with this glorious day.

Okay, all that sounds good.

The thing is,
we don't have the $180.

This is what happened.

My son here loves to read
so much

that when he lost
his library card,

he borrowed mine
to check out books,

and then he happened to misplace
one of them.

Was it irresponsible of him
to lose that book? Yes.

But books are his only friends.

Tell him, Brick.

Well, I have made
a few new friends.

I mean, they don't invite me
to do stuff,

but I stand near them and they
don't ask me to go away.

The point is, Brick has
absolutely learned his lesson.

Brick,
did you learn your lesson?

Oh,
I-I definitely did.

Also, I learned that if my mom
ever goes to jail again,

I will tell my dad.

All due respect, Judge, is this
really what we're doing now?

I mean, my wife was handcuffed

and dragged down
to the police station

all because of a library book?

Mr. Heck, I judge the cases
that are put before me.

I don't get to pick the ones
that light my fire.

No, I'm sorry,
but my husband is right.

Do you know about all
the break-ins at Joe's Subs?

There are real crimes
out there.

Real crimes.

Do we even know
what happened to this book?

It's not in our house.

It could've been stolen.

My point is the police should be
focusing on real crime

and not be worrying about
some kid's book

that none of us can even
remember what it's about.

It says here
it's "Stormy Moon,"

$14.99
from Letter House Books.

"The tantalizing tale
of a handsome drifter

who awakens the sensual desires
of a lonely housewife.

Stormy never dreamed
when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo,

he would also re-ignite
her passion."

Okay, I'll write you a check.

Could you just wait
a couple weeks to cash it?

Next case.

Well,
good-byes pretty much suck,

so how about we just say
"So long"?

I don't know.

I've always been more
of a "Happy trails" guy, myself.

So, uh, we never really did
get around to talking.

Yeah, we haven't exactly
done that, have we?

No.

We really haven't.

But I have a surprise for you.

I painted you something,

'cause sometimes
it's easier than talking.

And it kind of says everything
about how I feel.

Really?

Oh, wow.

I know art's not your thing,

but I kind of feel like
I captured it.

I mean, this is us.

Yeah.

Obviously, you nailed it.

Totally us.

You get it?

I didn't know if you'd get it.

Of course I do.

It's all there...
in this painting right here.

Oh!

Wow.

Okay, then.

Well, happy trails.

So long.

Oh, come on.

Did you seriously just check out
another library book?

In fact, I did.

I found a copy
in the Jasper County branch.

I have to say, when the judge
read that plot summary,

it really piqued my interest.

Turns out
it's a real page turner.

The time had come
for Lorenzo to drift again.

He would forever remain
a beautiful mystery.

What does this mean?

Am I the fish or the crown,

and what about
that green thing?

What even is that green thing?

I got no idea
what I'm looking at.

Seems like you guys
could've talked about things

in the time it took her
to paint this.

She knew she would miss
his stolen kisses,

but would always treasure
the happiness

he helped her feel inside.

But sadly, what is borrowed
must always be returned,

and there is always a price
to pay in the end.

Oh, snap!
She jumped off a cliff.

Did not see that coming.