The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Award - full transcript

Out here in the Middle,

winters are chilly,
and you got to bundle up.

But usually,
it's when you leave your house.

All right, I'm home.

The AC won't turn off

no matter what
the damn switch says.

"Heat" is cold.
"Off" is cold.

Smacking the thing
with a hammer-- even more cold.

- Maybe you should call Darrin.
- I did.

He'll be here sometime Friday
between 8:00 and 5:00.

Oh, the long window.



I bet that's the first thing
they teach him.

How are you doing, Sue?

There was a cousin clothes box
out front,

and Brick hid it
in the laundry room!

I'm sorry, Brick.
I held out as long as I could.

She asked me a direct question.

Oh, come on.
I hate the cousins box.

All the hand-me-downs
smell like cat pee and beer.

Have you even bothered
to look in this?

Well, I don't know
what you're complaining about.

There's a ton
of good stuff in here.

The upside of our house
being as cold

as an
Arctic research station--

the kids were never more
excited to get to school.



...the ion exchange columns
being used to separate

- the radioactive trans-uranium elements...
- Excuse me.

Buddy, you're in my seat.

Shh.

Hey, you're sitting on me.

Whoa!
What are you doing?!

This is my seat.

I was sitting here and you
came in and you sat on me.

I don't think so.

Maybe they do that in your
home country of the Ukraine,

but here in America,
we don't steal people's seats.

Brian, I think
the new girl likes you.

I am Sue Heck,
and I am not new.

Wow. Your English
is so good!

Isn't her English so good, Deb?

So good, Court.

I got sat on, Brad.
Sat on.

A person sat on me.

Was it the jock
with the rock-hard abs

or the mixed-race guy
with the perfect skin?

I don't know.
I guess the abs, maybe.

But the saddest part of all was
that nobody even knew my name.

Aw, everybody in high school
feels like that at some point.

Yeah, but that's just it.

People in this school
don't know each other.

I need to get back
to my original goal--

making sure
everybody knows everybody,

because we all know

the friends you make
in high school

are the friends you have
for life.

Dude. Dude.

Come on. Wake up.

We're gonna miss breakfast...

or dinner.

Where's my phone?

Uh, it...

Oh, I have a message.

Axl, you're so hot.

I want to...

...all night long.

Oh, hey! You got my favorite
oinge shirt all wet!

Whoa!

Hey, who was that?

Number's blocked.

Who did I talk to last night?

W-where did we go?

Uh, we started at a frat party,
then the dorm party,

then some kind of guitar circle
with a bearded dude.

Hey, I know who it could be.

You were dancing with
fourth floor hottie last night.

Really?

Nice job, me.

It was going pretty well

until you caught
your reflection in the mirror,

and then you started
dancing with yourself.

- Weird.
- You were doing, like, a two-step.

Ohh!

Got the hips.
You're like...

Do you have any idea
what you're doing?

Worst-case scenario,
I start a fire.

Hey, did you see this?

Orson has the Patch online now.

Great.

Now it's even easier to read
stuff I don't care about.

Well, I think it's good
that they have

something like this
for local news.

Oh!

Remember that dog that kept

digging up the flowers
at the courthouse?

Turns out it was a gopher.
They got it on hidden camera.

So, how exactly are we related
to this cousin?

Your dad's side.
Spin again.

Oh! Look at this.

They're honoring two guys
at your quarry.

Uh, Mike, one of them is you.

"Michael Heck
and Robert Branderson

are being honored
for their 20 years

of dedicated service
to Orson Limestone."

Wait, what?
There's a dinner?!

Did you know
there was a dinner?

Of course you knew
there was a dinner.

Were you
ever gonna tell me this?

No, I was not.

Mike. You have to go.

- This is a big deal.
- It's not a big deal.

The whole thing is stupid.

I just stayed in one place
for 20 years.

It's like giving an award
to a tree.

Am I crazy
or am I rocking this suit?

I don't think I've ever
seen myself look so sharp.

Let's see who makes fun of me
at school now.

I'm gonna go with everybody.

Mr. Farrar,
the reason I called this meeting

is because I need
to discuss JP-La, and--

So you're
the undercover drug agent.

What?
No, I'm not a narc.

I'm JP-La--
Junior Peer Leadership adviser.

Did you know
that the students here

still don't even know
each other?

This is why I'm proposing--
here it comes--

Hands Across Orson High.

The entire student body
will stand holding hands

in an unbroken chain
of connectivity

that stretches all the way
from the football field

to the place where that
drunk kid drove into the pole.

It'll be huge.

It wasn't.

Just wait.
They'll come.

It's still early yet.

They'll come.

So Axl finally had a subject
he was interested in--

finding a mystery girl
he couldn't remember meeting

at a party he couldn't remember
going to--

a search that led him
to the door

of the fourth floor hottie.

Ooh, hey. Hi.

Um, I don't know
if you remember me-- Axl.

Apparently, we, uh,
danced last night.

I may have given you my number.

You may have, uh,
used that number.

Oh, my God!
It's second floor mirror dude!

- Not her.
- Oh! I remember you!

Susanna, Kelly, the second floor
mirror dude is here!

Okay, I was wearing
my skinny jeans,

so I did not know it was me!

Brick, are you warm enough?

Oh, definitely.

An unexpected bonus of looking
like a million bucks--

I've discovered
that petroleum-based fabrics

really hold in the heat.

Well, Hands Across Orson High
was a ginormous success...

if that success is measured

by the inspiration it gave me
to work harder.

- Speaking of working hard...
- Frankie.

...the quarry
is giving your dad an award

for his 20 years of hard work.

- That's amazing!
- Nice job, dad!

Is it a certificate,
a trophy, a plaque?

Is it framed, unframed?
Is there a gold seal?

I don't know.
It's not important.

Not important?
It was on the Patch.

The Orson Patch?

The whole world can see that!

Uh, what's the award for?

Did you lift a boulder
off somebody?

No, for 20 years, I showed up.

And there's an awards dinner
and everything,

but your father
is refusing to go.

What?!
Is there a red carpet?

Is it called "The Quarries"?

Oh, my God!
I want to go to The Quarries!

See, Mike? Your family just
wants to bask in your glory.

Why won't you let us bask?
I never get to bask.

Because everybody's
got to get an award

or a pat on the back
for the smallest thing.

I don't need an award
for doing my job.

Now, that's the end of it.

It's like our
10-year wedding anniversary.

I wanted to renew our vows.

Reverend Hayver came over,

and you wouldn't stop
mowing the lawn.

Come on, dad.

I finally have a reason
to go out--

I've got a real suit.

It doesn't wrinkle.
It has secret inside pockets.

The color's majestic.

It broadens my shoulders,
slims my waist,

and gives me the muscles
of an eighth grader.

But it's more than just
superficial high-end apparel.

It feels like armor
that protects me

against whatever life
throws my way.

Today, it was sloppy joe
flicked from a spoon.

This suit makes me
feel like a winner,

and I want to show it off
at your awards ceremony.

- Not moving you, huh?
- No.

I just find it sad
that Mike is refusing

to go to his own awards dinner.

So I thought maybe you guys
could help me out.

Like, what is work Mike like?

Well, every day, he comes in
and says, "Morning."

And at lunch,
he eats a turkey sandwich

and says,
"Back to work."

End of the day, it's always,
"See you tomorrow."

Huh. Just like home Mike,
but without the TV.

I was actually hoping
that maybe you guys

could sway him
in a way that I can't.

Listen, wife of Mike, you got
way more sway than us.

Tonight, when you go home,
you got to light a candle,

shake off the sheets,
and get your man all syncopated

with the rhythms
of your lady jazz.

Well, I'm not saying
that my lady jazz isn't in play.

It's definitely in play.

And once you meet
your deductible,

your dental treatments
are 100% covered.

Hey, Mike!

Can you believe
I came all the way over here

and forgot
the free toothbrushes?

Back to work.

Back to work.

Axl, you're so hot.

I want to...

I wish we could hear it better.

- We need some killer speakers.
- Yeah.

Ooh. Ha!

Shouldn't we ask him first?

Oh, nah, he's in the zone.

Level 9.
Doesn't even know we're here.

Watch.

See?

All right, well, here.

Axl, you're so hot.

I want to...

...all night long.

Ohh! Hey!

You got my favorite
oinge shirt all wet!

Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on.

Ohh! Hey!

You got my favorite
oinge shirt all wet!

You hear that?
"Oinge"!

Who pronounces orange "oinge"?

That's it.

All we got to do is find
the girl who says "oinge."

We talked to like 200 women that night.

We're never gonna find her.

Hey, there's a girl out there

who wants to all night long.

I thought college was gonna be non-stop

but six months and not even a

so if she's out there, damn it,
we're gonna find her. Hmm?

Ow!

Oh, God, he finished the game.
Go, go, go, go!

Okay, so,
Hands Across Orson High

was not a complete success,

but I've gone back
to my original concept,

which got me in to JP-La--
Mix-It-Up Mondays.

What if the popular kids

were forced to each lunch
with the less-popular kids.

Sprinkle in some D tablers
with some A tablers,

and we all end up
C-pluses.

Um, is this table 6?

Ooh, mm-hmm.

You guys,
this is Brian--

the guy who inspired
this whole shebang.

I am Sue Heck.

The girl you sat on.

The Ukrainian seat stealer.

Oh, hey.

Well, this is great, isn't it?

Isn't this fun?

Miss you!

Miss you!

Look, it's totally natural

for things to be
a little awkward at first.

So that's why I brought the
conversation hat to help out.

Ooh, good one.

"Who's your best friend?
Your mom or your dad?"

So while Sue was busy trying
to drum up a conversation,

Axl would have been happy
with just one word.

Excuse me. How would you
pronounce this word?

I have mace.

If you were really, really
jealous, you'd be what with envy?

Green?

What? It's not orange?

In my
country, we call this "Ugaga."

What you call here?

You do not know?

No? Okay.

Hey, handsome.

I'm not going.

Seriously.

- What happened to you in your childhood?
- Nothing.

Nothing happened to me.
You know me.

Does this really seem
like something I'd be into?

It's once in a lifetime.

Not in my lifetime, Frankie.

It's not my thing.
None of it is my thing.

I don't like attention.
I don't like giving speeches.

Oh, okay.

So that's what this is about--
the speech.

I should have known.
No problem.

I can help you.

You-- you just have to say
a few words. That's all.

You know, it's mostly just,
like, kind of thank people.

I mean, you want to be
humble, but cool,

also a little entertaining.

Um, okay, so, what rhymes
with "limestone"?

Uh, winebone, chimecone--
time zone!

Yeah, no. Ohh, I don't know
what to do with that.

Okay, you know what?

Let's just--
let's just spitball here.

Let's just
move some energy around.

All right, I say a word,
you say a word.

- I say "hard hat," you say...
- Good night.

You know, you are
a really difficult person.

Let's just say
you had to say something.

Gun to your head,
you had to say something--

what would it be?

Uh, I guess I would say...

"For 20 years, this job's put
a roof over my family's head.

I've had a great group of guys
working for me--

hard-working guys
who show up on time,

rarely take sick days.

We've seen
each other's kids grow up.

I've been lucky,
not only for the work,

but my crew has made this
a good place to go every day."

Well, where have you been
hiding that?

That's beautiful.

Can't you just go and say that?

It's one dinner, Mike.

One dinner that maybe
doesn't mean a lot to you,

but might mean a lot
to everyone else.

Oh, yay!

You're gonna be so good!

You know, if I wasn't wearing
five pairs of pajamas,

I would totally break out
the lady jazz.

- Mm.
- Hmm.

I really had such
high hopes for Mix-It-Up Mondays.

Eh, I guess there's always
gonna be an us and a them.

I guess that's just
the way it is.

Brad, you want to come to
the new brownie place with us?

Deb says we have to hang
'cause you are hilarious!

Wow! Make new friends,
but keep the old.

See you tomorrow.

Oh! I got to go, too.

I sat by
the space mates yesterday,

and they're not as nerdy
as we thought.

We're gonna go
jump on the gym mats

and act like
we're in zero gravity.

Beep-beep!

Molly, say hi to Ukraine.

And just when Sue thought

things couldn't get
any worse...

...they did.

I think I got sick
from working so hard on JP-La...

and waking up with frozen hair
didn't help.

I just feel bad.

I really want
to see dad win his award.

Maybe we shouldn't
leave Sue here.

Maybe we should
just all stay home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this is my big night, too.

I've looked like Ernie and/or
Bert for the last 10 years.

I finally look snazzy,
and I am showing it off.

You're going,
and you're staying.

Just drink lots of liquids.
Text me if you need anything.

Don't run the toaster
if you're falling asleep.

And if you're hungry, there's
popsicles on the counter.

Good luck, dad.

I hope you win.

It's not a contest.

I already won.

Well, sometimes you think
you won,

and then at the last minute,
you didn't.

Wait for them
to call your name... twice.

Twice. Got it.

I know the real reason
you're giving me this--

'cause I'm the guy who gives you
your paycheck every week.

Am I right, Larry?

Especially you.
You know what I'm talking about.

Wow, who knew the accountant
was such a cut-up?

Seriously, it's been
a joy to come to work.

Nice suit, little dude.
Off the rack?

- Out of the box.
- What's the label?

I don't know.

Shah-nee-a Twan.

Shania Twain?

"The, 'man, I feel
like a woman' collection."

Oh, no,
this isn't Cousin Ryan's.

It's Cousin Allison's.

I've been wearing women's
clothes for the last three days.

It's cool, baby Mike.

Man, woman
we're all just energy.

Okay, okay, I'm taking too much
of your time now.

You got to save
some of that love

for our other honoree--
Mike Heck.

Uh, yeah, oh, okay.

I still don't get
why I'm up here.

Uh, maybe I-I-I
just don't get it.

But, you know, I had to lay off
four guys a couple months ago,

and these were all guys
with families, you know?

So it doesn't feel right
to be honoring me

when I couldn't find a way
to save their jobs.

And, you know,
I mean, am I--

am I gonna
have to lay off 10 more?

I don't know.
Look around the room.

It's like, "Hey, is he next?
What about her?"

But, hey, in this economy,

we're all just hanging on
by a thread, right?

I mean, look, everyone loves
Bob Branderson here,

but they could, you know, hire
some outside accounting service,

and then,
uh, he'd be out of a job.

Hell,
the whole quarry could close.

It's a threat
that we live with every day.

So maybe longevity is something
that should be recognized?

I don't know. Just saying,
uh, it seems weird to me.

But, uh, it is what it is.

So... yeah.

I'll-- I'll--
I'll put this somewhere.

Who is it?

Oh, hi, Darrin.
Come in.

Sorry it's taken me so long
to get over here.

I had a midterm.

But the good news is
I got a B-plus,

so I should be able to fix
your air conditioner now.

Okay.
You know where it's at.

What am I gonna do, Kenny?
Thoughts? Ideas?

If you feel for me, just keep
staring at your computer.

Great.
Thanks for the support.

Yep?

Hey, Axl, it's Cassidy.

Cassidy. Hi.

Is it a bad time?

Uh, not at all. No.

- Okay. Say it.
- Oinge?

Uh, hang on, Cassidy.

Are you sure
this isn't a bad time?

You obviously have company.

- Say it again.
- Oinge.

I hear someone
saying "oinge."

Wait.

Are you saying "oinge" 'cause
you heard someone say "oinge,"

or are you saying it that way

'cause that's how
you say "orange."

- What?
- What juice comes from Florida?

- Oinge?
- Oh, my God!

Listen, I just called to say

that it's possible
I may have left you

an embarrassing message
the other night.

Yeah, uh,
I might have heard that.

Ugh!
So you knew it was me?

Of course I knew it was you.

Uh so

how you been?

Okay.

Told you I was no good
in the spotlight.

Was it as bad
as I thought it was?

Probably a little worse.

What happened to all that stuff
you talked about the other day?

Watching their kids grow up,

how your crew made it
a great place to work every day?

Pretty sure I got
some of that in there.

No, you didn't.

Hmm.

Okay.

Do you know
how embarrassing it is

to show up at an awards ceremony

wearing the same outfit
as another woman?

Drive.

Well, I think I got the AC off,

but I might have accidentally
got the heater stuck on.

Oh, thanks.

Well, you better get going.

I'm sure Angel's got
something special planned

to celebrate your B-plus.

Oh, actually, Angel and I
broke up a couple weeks ago.

Oh? Really?

Yeah.

Relationships are hard.

I know. I know.

How are things
with your boyfriend?

What boyfriend?

You know, the Glossner guy.

Oh, oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I do not like him at all.

I mean, yeah,
I think he liked me a lot,

but, uh, no, not even close.

Really?

Really.

Hey, you feel it?

It's getting warm in here.

Yes.

It is heating up considerably.

Funny thing is when you have
a history with someone,

it's easy to connect.

The words just seem to flow.

I still can't hear it.
Oinge?

Am I saying it weird?

Yes, it's absolutely weird.

It's not in any way
how you say that word.

And sometimes if you have
a long history with someone,

you don't need
many words at all.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Have a good night.

Cool party.

Yeah, listen, um... I thought
I said certain things

that, uh,
I might not have said.

So I want to say, um...

you know, see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow, Mike.