The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Middle - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: There are few words
that bring more joy

to value-seeking Midwesterners
than "All U Can Eat."

Don't eat that!

We're going
to King Henry's Buffet.

Oh, are you crazy?

Do you not understand?
We got a squatters coupon!

We get to pick a table
and stay there all day.

We're having lunch,
supper, dinner,

second dinner, and dessert.

Mike: Okay.
I got my game plan.



I'm going cold to hot,
concentrating on meats.

You want to beat the house,
you got to load up on the meats.

Frankie: Now, remember,
when we get to King Henry's,

everyone has to have
one green on their plate.

[ Chuckling ]
I'm kidding!

How weird would that be
if I was serious?

I'm going all soups.
I love their soups.

Thousand Island, ranch,
blue cheese--

Brick, those are
salad dressings.

No, I don't think so.

They have ladles and bowls
right next to them.

[ Door opens, closes ]
Axl: I'm home!

Okay. I'm here. I'm starving.
Let's go.

Right after church.



Oh, whoa! Church?

We have to go to church first.

We should at least thank God
for our squatters coupon.

Oh, come on!
I don't want to sit in church.

I can't take Reverend Hayver
on an empty stomach.

No, no, no,
we have a guest minister--

Reverend Eric Deveaux
from Cleveland.

Very charismatic.

He and Reverend Hayver are
on a minister-exchange program.

Even dad likes him.
He's very entertaining.

I'm gonna tell you something
right now.

You can't outrun the Lord!

Where you gonna run to, son?

♪ Our voices will ring
foreve-e-e-r ♪

♪ as o-o-o-o-o-o-o-one ♪

Blows Reverend Hayver
out of the water.

Ooh. Baby sister's
looking at colleges.

Let's see.

Purdue-- Pur-don't.

IU-- I don't see you
getting in there.

[ Chuckles ]

Wait. No.

No, no, no!
Don't even think about it!

East Indiana State
is my school!

Mom, dad, make her stop!
Seriously!

You know, I-I can go
wherever I want, Axl.

You can't stop me
from thinking about it.

[ Garbage disposal grinding ]
I'm thinking about it right now!

What?
[ Grinding stops ]

In fact, I'm gonna be
thinking about it all day!

No. Make her stop
thinking about it. Make her--

- ♪ Oh, East Indiana, we will fight
for you ♪ - No! That's not--

- ♪ East Indiana, we will always
be true ♪ - Don't sing our fight song!

Do you see this? Do you see
what's happening here?

- No. Come on. - ♪ We shall defeat
them with our tongues! ♪

No!

- [ Growls, laughs ]
- [ Groans ]

[ Mutters ]

Axl, your sister can go
wherever she wants.

Sue, stop tormenting
your brother.

Now, come on--
we got to go worship the Lord

and then gorge ourselves.

Reverend Deveaux: Who didn't want
to come here this morning?

Show of hands.
Come on. Be honest.

You're tired, it's early.

You stayed up too late

watching back-to-back episodes
of Burn Notice.

- Put your hands down! - Okay, I see.
You're being accountable there.

That's what I want to talk
to y'all about this morning--

accountability.

There's no way you're
getting into East Indiana State.

I can do whatever I want, Axl.

In fact, I am gonna pray to God

that I get into
East Indiana State.

What?
Don't you dare do that.

Dear God--

- Stop doing that.
- You can't control me!

Fine--
I'm gonna double-pray

that you don't go
to East Indiana.

- Don't you dare!
- God, please--

[ Snapping fingers ]

Reverend Deveaux: When you see
a stranger on the street and...

- God, please don't let her go
to East Indiana State. - Stop it, Axl!

Ow!

[ Sighs ]

Mike.

Oh, you have
freakishly strong fingers.

Hey! Knock it off.

I'm serious.

- God, please don't--
- Ow! Don't you--

Axl, Sue! Stop it!
Stop it right now!

- [ Gasps ]
- I c--

[ Congregation murmuring ]

At any rate,
the Lord loves you.

He loves your friends
that didn't make it, either.

Hi.

You're the Hecks, right?

Could I see you for a moment?

[ Sighs ]

Let me just say
we are so sorry about earlier.

This will never happen again.

I-I never
talked to my family

about not throwing
sacred books in church,

but, in my defense,
I didn't think I had to.

Folks, I don't want to take up
too much of your time,

but it seems like you're under
a great deal of stress.

No. We're fine.
Just a regular amount of stress.

Axl: [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Look. We kind of have...
somewhere we have to be.

But we're fine.
We are.

That was just
an isolated incident.

Well, you know,
it's not just this one day.

Uh, Reverend Hayver said,
you know,

that there's been some issues,
a-a little history.

Am-- am I right?

- History? What history?
- The van.

We gave it right back.

Now, I assure you--
nobody's on trial here.

I just like to reach out
to families in crisis

and, you know,
offer some counsel.

As the former
assistant spiritual advisor

for the Cleveland Browns
for 1 and 3/4 of a season,

consider me here
to lift you up.

But to do that,
I got to able to get underneath.

You know what I'm saying?

And the deeper I dig,
the higher we can go.

Oh, we're plenty high.
We are up there in the clouds.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, we fight, sure,
but we have fun, right?

We do all kinds
of fun stuff together.

We, um...

eat... and...

Come on, people.

Tell him all the other
fun family stuff we do.

[ Gasps ] Oh!
We play Twizzlestick.

It's a really fun game
I invented.

It's where you're in a room

and you have
one body part showing

and if nobody notices you
when they come in,

you get a point.

[ Sports announcer
talking indistinctly ]

Twizzlestick!

Twizzlestick!

Twizzlestick!

So, you all really get into
this, uh, Twizzlestick, huh?

- Oh... sure. - So much fun.
- Not really.

Love playing Dorklestick.
[ Laughter ]

You know what? This has
been great-- really helpful.

But we're good.
We are.

It's my fault.
I threw the book.

But we're--
we're really good.

Aren't we all good?

- So good.
- We love each other so much!

You sure?

'Cause, you know,
when that teakettle's whistling,

it's time
to take it off the stove.

Yeah, but our teakettle
is fine.

In fact, we're all heading out

to eat together as a family
right now.

Okay.
Well, fair enough.

But if there's ever anything
you'd like to talk about,

my door is always open.

Nope. This was great.
Thank you.

All right, then.

You guys have yourselves
a blessed Sunday.

That's exactly
what we're gonna do.

Sometimes I feel invisible.

[ Sighs ]

So, Brick, what do you mean,
you feel invisible?

No. He's not invisible.
Just ignore him.

Ignore him?

No! Not "Ignore."

It's just,
he says things sometimes,

but don't pay attention.

You don't pay attention to him?

No, we do, but it's just,

he's insignificant
in this conversation.

He's not invisible.

Sorry, Brick.

[ Sighs ]

Axl: [ Sighs ]
Great job, Brick.

If we end up
at a table by the bathroom,

I will pound you.

Brick, can you, um,
expand a little more

on what you were saying?

Oh, it's just a generalized
feeling of invisibility.

But I know my family really
wants to get to King Henry's,

and I don't want them
to be mad at me.

I can already sense
the hostility.

- What-- That's ridiculous!
- What are you talking about?

Come on, Brick.

You know, maybe I should

take a little time-out
with Brick alone.

[ Sighs ] Crap.

I am starving!

I know, Axl.
We all are.

No, you don't understand.
I haven't eaten in four days.

I went full bear mode.

I literally have had nothing

but a handful of Chex Mix
and a plum in the last 96 hours.

Let's just go.
Let's leave him here!

Yeah, that's a great idea, Axl.

We've just been accused

of treating him
like he's invisible,

and now you're suggesting
we ditch him.

We can't, right?

- Mike!
- What?

We got our worst player
in there.

We're never
gonna get out of here.

This is terrible.

If we're in trouble
with Reverend Deveaux,

we're in trouble with God.

You know they talk.

[ Mike groans ]

I bet all the squatters
are squatting by now.

No way we're getting a booth.

Look. You know what?
Maybe this is a good thing.

Did you not hear?

He spiritually counseled
the Cleveland Browns.

Cleveland, Mike.

So... yeah.

Besides, it's free counseling.

I mean, are we really
in the position

to be turning down
anything free?

That's a bad road
to go down, Frankie.

You can't look too close
at stuff.

You pull one thread,
and the whole thing unravels.

No good can come
from examining your life.

So, let me--
let me get this straight.

Your folks left you
with another family

for a month
after you were born,

you still eat dinner
in a lawn chair,

and they made you wait 10 years
for a lime-green jello salad?

That ain't right.

Also, they never buy me
the kind of toothpaste I want.

Everyone likes peppermint,
but I want wintergreen.

I've always wanted
to try wintergreen.

Wintergreen!

Well, don't you ever
tell them this stuff?

Well, I try, but they always
say things like,

"Not now, Brick.
We can't hear the TV, Brick."

You know, Brick,
you're the youngest,

so you--
you're gonna have to speak up.

I want to try something
that worked really well

for a team I ministered to
called the Browns.

I don't know what that is.

It's a football team.

Oh!

Sports analogies
don't work for me.

Okay.

N-never mind.

Uh...

Let's put it a different way.

If there was one thing

you wished your family
understood about you,

what would it be?

Hmm.

I guess sometimes I feel
that the whole family

would be happier
if they didn't have me here--

if I didn't exist.

Wow.

Brick, that's deep.

That's...

deep-down deep, man.

You got to tell them that.

Really?

Yes!

It's like I told
my dear friend Bono

back in the Cleve
at his induction

into the rock and roll
hall of fame--

You gotta use your voice,
my man!

Demand to be heard!

Now, why don't I
bring your family back in here

and you can tell them
how you feel?

Couldn't hurt.

Yeah, I'm just, uh,
checking on a few things.

Um, how are you guys
on the mac and cheese?

Mac and cheese is good.

They just brought out
a fresh bucket.

What's the jimmy situation?

If you folks will come back in
and sit down now,

Brick has something very
important he'd like to tell you.

Is this something
my wife could handle

and tell us about later?

Go ahead, Brick.

Tell your teammates
what you told me.

It's safe, my man.
You got this.

[ Clears throat, sighs ]

I really want
the wintergreen toothpaste.

Um... okay.

W-wait. H-hold on.
[ Chuckles ]

Go on, Brick.

What else?

Oh. Right.

See, 'cause you always say

we're gonna get wintergreen,
but we never do.

You just get peppermint.

No. No. No.

Brick, remember what you said
about how you feel?

About how you think
they wish you weren't here?

No, I-I think if I get
the toothpaste, I'm good.

I mean, it really all comes down
to the toothpaste.

I think we can do that.

- Wintergreen it is. - Absolutely.
- I had no idea.

He--

Okay, well, this has been great.
Thanks for all the help.

Well, okay.

If you ever want to talk,
my door is always open.

[ Chuckles ]
That's what I do here--

any time a family's in crisis.

All right, you know,
I-I just have to say one thing.

I feel like
we've gotten a bad rap.

I don't know
what Reverend Hayver told you,

but we are not
a family in crisis-- at all.

So... spread the word.

I got drunk at a party
and danced inappropriately.

[ Sighs ]

Sue, what are you talking about?
When did this happen?

Sue: Well,
it was about a week ago.

Remember I went to that party
for J-P-La?

There was this lemonade, and...

I don't know what happened,
but I got so drunk!

Hey, you like that?

It's got alcohol in it.

So, you just took a sip
and you spit it back out?

Yeah.

I don't think you were drunk.

Oh, no. I was.

It affects me differently.

My body's not full of alcohol,
like yours!

Threads, Frankie.
Threads.

Something happened.

I had reduced inhibitions.

You don't know what I did.
You didn't see it.

I did a terrible,
terrible thing.

[ Voice breaking ] I don't even want to say it!
It was so horrible!

Sue.

I twerked!

[ Dance music playing ]

A-- aah!

Axl: See?

That's exactly
why I don't want her

at East Indiana State.

Are you gonna send me

to some six-month
military camp

where they scream at you
and make you crawl through mud?

I may need that!

Well, I think we've got a handle
on the problem now.

It's twerking and toothpaste.

Thanks, Reverend.

No! I think
I really need help.

I feel like
I'm headed down a bad path.

I think I need a one-on-one
with Reverend Deveaux.

[ Sighs ]

Brick got one.

By this point,
even I had reached my limit.

I mean,
I'm all for free therapy,

but I was starving.

Aren't parents supposed to
sacrifice for their children?

Fine.

Ew!

What is this?!

Wintergreen.

Oh.

I guess
I don't like wintergreen.

[ Sighs ]

Sue: Oh!

And then, one time,
someone called

asking us to participate
in a short survey,

and I told them we were busy,
but we weren't.

I totally could have
taken the survey.

I was voting
for the Teen Choice Awards,

and I voted twice.

I just love Kaley Cuoco
so much.

Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

Did you even know she was going
to this party the other night?

Yes, I knew she was going.

Did you know
there'd be alcohol?

Yes, I knew there'd be alcohol,
so I rushed her right over.

But first, we stopped
at my dealer's house

and did some pot.

I'm just saying--
she's getting to the age

where you got to keep your eye
on these things.

Oh, I do?
She has two parents, Mike.

I took her to dinner.
She likes cheeseburgers.

- [ Scoffs ]
Brick: - Ohh! Don't talk about food.

Oh, sweet, sweet cheeseburgers.

Frankie:
Yeah, you're such a great dad.

You threw a book
at our son's head!

I didn't throw it hard.

That old lady
popped right back up.

Y-you know,

I-I don't think fake giggling
while being tickled

counts as a sin.

No? Are you sure?

Positive.

Look, Sue, middle school
can be a tough time.

I'm in high school.

Really?

Freshman?

Junior.

Wow.

Anyway, my point is,

I've never met a more
upstanding, conscientious,

and loquacious young woman.

So, you think I'll be okay?

I do. I do.
I really do.

But your door
is always open, right?

Well, semi-open.

You-- l-limited,
uh... office hours.

But, you know, Reverend Timtom
is always here, too.

Save some stuff for him.

Okay.

When you borrow my car,
put some gas in it!

Oh, we're gonna talk
about cars.

You drove my car for three days
with the parking brake on!

[ Sighs ]

We can see you, Sue.

[ Laughing ]
Okay. You got me.

That's one point for you.

Doorknob!

[ Laughs ]

You didn't say "Twizzlestick"
before I grabbed the doorknob,

so now we both get a point.

Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious.

Ha!

You didn't say "Twizzlestick"
while I was saying that,

so another point for me!

Sue, no one wants to play
your stupid game!

Wow.
Are you grumpy.

Sounds like somebody should go
talk to Reverend Deveaux.

He's really good.

He doesn't walk away,
like dad does,

when you talk to him.

Did he feed you in there?
You seem really up.

[ Laughs ]

Axl.

- You doing okay, Mike?
- Mm.

You seem a little on edge.

No, I'm fine.

It's just... we have someplace
we got to be.

Well, there's no time
like the present, Mike.

- Right.
- No. Listen to me, Mike.

There's no time
like the present.

It's a gift, my man.

That's why they call it
"The Present."

Ah.

Open it up. See what's inside.
You feel me?

- Uh... sure.
- Okay, good.

Now, what I always like to
preach back home in Cleveland--

y'all know
I'm from Cleveland, right?

- I've heard.
- Uh-huh.

What I always like to preach

is that when a team or a couple

have a good relationship,
the whole family will benefit.

But it must... start... here.

Mommy and daddy.

Quarterback and star receiver.

Hmm.

Now, Mike, is there anything
about your past

that you'd like to talk about?

Nope.

Anything about your family?

Nope.

H-how about your relationship
with your brother?

Who told you I have a brother?

Never mind. Moving on.

Frankie, what about you?

Oh. Uh, I think I had
a pretty great childhood.

Yeah, but it--
it can't be easy now.

Three kids, family on a budget,
your work, you're stressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, life can be overwhelming,

a-and you just need
to let it out.

Mm-hmm.

And you're also
at that stage of life

where you not only
have to take care of your kids,

but your parents
need you more now.

Am I right?

That's true.
That's definitely happening.

Mm-hmm.

Can't be a lot of time
for you in there. Hmm?

Mom is the toughest job
in the world,

and you do have
a great husband here in Mike.

I do.

[ Voice breaking ]
I love him so much.

[ Sobbing loudly ]

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

It's okay.

It's all right.

[ Sobbing ]

So, you ever meet Lebron?

Twice.

Hmm.

God, what I wouldn't give

for some Thousand Island soup
right now.

Oh, I can't believe I came home
from college for this.

I just spent the entire day
in church.

I don't know.
I actually feel better.

I'm glad we came.
I feel renewed.

It's a whole new start for me.

You ate in there, didn't you?

I know you ate!
What did he feed you?!

Ohhh...
God, I'm lightheaded.

Frankie: Oh, wow.

[ Chuckles ]
I'm spent.

So, who's ready to eat?

- Food!
- Me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
W-we're just getting started.

What this team needs now
is one more big huddle,

where we lay out
some goals--

No! No way!

Look, I don't know what
you think is happening here,

but I got to tell you,
this is not a family in crisis

or whatever--
like, at all.

I mean, yeah, some of the time,
we can't stand each other,

and if my sister
goes to my college,

I will be forced
to change my name

and get a cheap
Mexican face transplant,

but we are tight.

We hang with each other
and we goof on each other

and we crack each other up,

and we're always there
for each other.

I-I think that's because
we have parents

who every day,
a million times a day

show us what being a family
is really all about.

I mean, they have our backs,
and we have theirs.

And isn't that the whole point?

Just having each other's backs?
I mean, right?

That's... basically
what Jesus is saying.

I know
it's not pretty to look at,

but we get the job done.

It's like a...

like a crappy-looking
football team

that manages to win 10 games
every season.

We win ugly.

It's just how we roll.

Wow! Well said, Axl.

To have a-a young man
back up his team like that

gets me right here.

I really feel that.

[ Clears throat ]
You know, I don't, uh...

throw this type of compliment
around often,

but you guys are
such a tight-knit group...

You remind me...

[ Voice breaking ]
of the '87 Browns.

Best of luck, Heck family.

Go get 'em.

[ Door closes ]

- He bought it.
- Way to go!

Whoo! Axl!

Young man.

- Whoo! Come on. Whoo!
- Let's eat.

Come on, come on, come on!

You go Oriental, I'll go Indian.
Sue, you're on desserts.

Axl, you hit
the carving station.

[ Grunts ]
I got the soups!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Right here.

Mmm. Okay.

Take an egg roll,
dip it in this hot cheese,

and chase it
with a sprinkle cookie.

Mmm!

Hey, here's to Axl

for finally getting us
out of that place.

- Mm.
- Cheers!

- To Axl!
- Whoo-hoo!

Mike:
Got to hand it to you--

that thing about
"A million times a day

showing what family's
all about"-- that was genius.

I had to bite the inside of
my cheek so I wouldn't laugh.

I didn't know you could
put words together like that.

But I always told you
you had a good imagination.

You should take a writing class
in school.

Yeah. Well, uh...

actually, I wasn't just
saying it to get out of there.

I, uh... kind of...
sort of meant it.

[ Crying ]

It's okay.
They're happy tears.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm so happy.

Who knows why Axl said
what he said.

Maybe he was hallucinating
from lack of food.

Maybe he meant it.

All I know is that

in the game of Twizzlestick,
Parenting Edition,

we were on the board.

Sure, we were losing 476 to 1,
but that 1 sure was sweet.