The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Carpool - full transcript

[ Crow caws ]

Frankie: So, Axl was back
for winter semester,

and this time,
he was hitting it hard.

Ow!

[ Grunts ]

You see, Axl and Hutch
had been embroiled

in an epic finger-slap war
for weeks

with no winner in sight.

At this point,
it was going from open warfare

to a covert operation
inside enemy territory.

Professor Danzinger:
So resulting in...



Yes? You there?

What is your name, sir?

Uh, Axl.

Well, "Uh, Axl,"

given what we know
about the theory of relativity

and how it predicts
that a compact mass

will deform space
in an energy vortex,

what will this create?
And explain.

This will, uh
[Clears throat]

predict and explain...

a black hole,

defined
as a region of space-time

where gravity prevents anything,
even light, from escaping.

Wow. I actually
reached someone. Hm.



Now I'm almost glad

they defunded the space program
so I can be here.

You may sit.

Uh...

No, Axl wasn't
an astronomy genius.

He just happened to watch
"Hot Tub Time Machine"

27 times.

Hi.

Yes. Once again, negotiations
with the bus drivers

have stalled.

Those big whiners are still
holding out for a living wage.

But not to worry.

We broke the janitors' union,

and we will break
these people, too.

So, as of Monday,
there will be no bus service,

and in order to minimize
inconvenience to me,

we suggest forming carpools!

Woman: Carpool?!

Wait a minute!
Wait, wait. What?

Find somebody.
Find anybody.

[ All talking indistinctly ]

We're full!
We're full!

- Hey--
- Full!

Oh, hey!
There you are.

I've been looking all over.

So, Nancy, we carpool buddies,
neighbor?

What?

Oh, I kind of already said
I would with Bill.

Oh, that's okay.
Bill's cool with it.

We're good friends.
Right, Bill?

Uh--

See?
He's good with it.

Hey, carpool!
We got a carpool!

- Oh!
- Hey.

Keep walking.
We're full.

Hey, hey!

For tomorrow, though,
pages 33 and 34

from your textbooks.

And I am talking to no one.

Hey, you're Axl, right?

Yes.

- Zoe.
- Ah!

You were really on it today
with that answer.

Well, yeah.
Well, you know?

Space-- that's where
everything's headed.

Good to know about it.

I mean, you really
seemed to be knowledgeable,

and I'm just dying in there.

Ah, sorry.

I've got my roommate's bra on,

and she's, like,
way smaller than me.

Anyway, I'm so behind,
and I was wondering,

would you like to start
a study group?

Oh, uh,
he's not even--

Yes, sure.
Definitely.

I love to study.
[ Laughs ]

- And I especially like to do it in a group.
- Okay, great.

We'll figure out the details
after class tomorrow.

This will be awesome.
See you later.

Bye.

Yeah.
That sure will be awesome.

But you do know
you're not in this class?

Oh, I am now.

[ Horn honks ]

Listen,
this week's a little crazy,

so Tuesday I'm gonna need you
to pick Sue up from work.

Got it.
Where's that again?

Seriously, Mike?

You don't know
where your daughter works?

I think that's sad.

I think you're sad.

Well, we're all sad.
That's a given.

So, where does
your daughter work?

I know it's potatoes, Frankie.

We've been eating her funky
potato rejects for weeks.

I just don't know where it is.

It's Spudsy Malone's
at the mall, okay?

And then after,

she needs to go
to her J-P-la meeting, so--

[ Horn honks ]

Who's the jerk
that keeps honking their car--

[ Gasps ]
Crap!

Brick! Carpool!

Carpool!

Hey, Nancy,
we'll be right there.

He's just tying his shoe.

Wake up!

Yeah, carpool got off
to a bit of a rocky start,

but soon we fell into a rhythm.

Nancy
was the delicious carpool.

I hope everyone likes

fresh-baked
chocolate-chip muffins...

and "Madagascar 3"!

Bill was the fun carpool.

Stoplight!
You know what that means--

time for
"Stoplight car-dance!"

♪ Brother Tony
with the tenor saxophone ♪

♪ is just a shy boy
smokin' in the morning sun ♪

And I was, well...

[ Tires squeal ]
We're late.

I've never, ever been late
in my life!

You don't know that, Dotty.
We're not there yet.

Mom, you forgot my lunch.

Oh, crap!

Okay, not a problem.
We'll build a lunch.

Everybody, get ready.
I'm hitting the brakes.

[ Tires screech ]

So, how'd we do?

I found a French fry.

Ooh.
Cough drop.

Your car is filthy.

Yes, well, if I had cleaned it,
Brick wouldn't have a lunch,

now, would he, Ella?

I found an orange
and half a granola bar. Sweet.

We're gonna be late!
It's 7:56!

Relax, Dotty.
We're gonna be fine.

Everybody hang on
to Dotty's seat belt.

It's the only good one.

[ Tires squeal ]

Hey, hey, hey!
Look at this!

Whoa.

Are those
IU basketball tickets?

Yeah.

Four seats
to the Michigan game.

Corporate just sent them
over to me

for going six months
without a workplace injury.

Well, what about
when the salt from that pretzel

slit my tongue?

You can submit forms
all day, Jim.

You're not getting
workman's comp.

Sure.
Make light.

I still can't drink
orange juice.

Hey, if you're looking
for someone to go with you,

I'm free.

Hold on.
You're taking Jim?!

I'm the one who usually
gets injured around here!

If anyone gets to go to the game
with Mike, it should be me.

Look, guys--

I invited you
to Metal-Fest,

Metal-Mania,
Hedonism II in Jamaica.

The Chuck's starting to think

you don't want to hang out
with the Chuck

when all the Chuck has done
is really just put himself

out there, man.

Dave: Mike's old!

He doesn't want to go
to Metal-Fest!

Besides, I'm the one
that he usually does stuff with.

Well, that makes you
a boss-hog.

- And a kiss-up.
- He went to my church.

- You know what?
- We're text-message buddies.

...a lot more chill
at work.

- [ All talking at once ]
- Guys.

Hey, guys, look, I'm not taking
anybody from work, okay?

You know what?

We may not have had
a workplace injury,

but we do have
an internal one...

right here.

Hey.

Whoa!

Be cool, man.
Not here to hit you.

I need your book.
Got to study up on my astronomy.

Studying up
for study group! Ahh!

Okay, I get
why you're doing this.

That Zoe is a hot-tay!

But, hey,
I'm actually in the class.

Nobody invited me.

That's cold--
cold as ice!

Well, maybe if you paid
a little bit more attention

during "Hot Tub Time Machine,"
you would have been invited.

Now, let's say we learn me
some astronomy.

And just to confirm,
that is the planet one

and not the horoscope one,
right?

All those years we spent
trying to get Axl to study,

and all it took was a hot girl.

It seems so obvious now.

And so the Cat's Eye nebula

is in the constellation Draco,
the dragon.

Easily remembered by the fact

that we're
the East Indiana Dragons--

you know, the team
that I play football on.

Wow, Axl.
That's so smart.

We're the Dragons,
and Draco's a dragon.

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

What do you know?
Gym Shorts got one.

Also, Draco's 3,300 light-years
away from Earth.

You know that's gonna be
on the test.

Do we, Aaron?

Do we really know
what's gonna be on a test?

'Cause I feel it's best
to just study hard

and be prepared
for any eventuality.

Oh, I'm never gonna get
all of this.

[ Sighs ]

Oh! I am so tight
from sitting.

Anyway,

what did people get for
number six in the study guide?

Um, that would be
the, um--

Ring nebula,

which is formed
by ionized gas--

I got this, Gym Shorts.

The ionized gas is expelled

into the surrounding
interstellar medium,

- which then causes a large--
- I think what Aaron's trying--

Aah! Dude!

I am so sorry.

Do you have quarters
for laundry?

'Cause you're gonna want to wash
those pants.

Seriously, that stain
is in a really weird place.

Oh, man.

[ Groans ]

Good guy.
[ Chuckles ]

So, um, Halley's comet.

Axl was lucky.

He only had one person
mad at him.

I had three.

[ Horn honking ]

Damn it!

I let you stay up late to watch
the finale of "Shark Tank"

after you promised me
you would wake up early!

What are you doing?

I'm jazzing up breakfast
with a banana.

Oh, no.
Breakfast is over.

Here.
You can have it for lunch.

Mike: Axl says
he can't go to the game

'cause he's boning up
for some big astronomy test.

Did you know
he was taking astronomy?

Of course I know
he's taking astronomy.

- I'm his mother.
- I'll go!

[ Horn honks ]
What about Rusty?

I'm not taking my brother.

He'll sneak in beers
and try to sell them to minors.

Mom won't let me eat breakfast.

Well, I'm sure you're learning

whatever lesson
you're supposed to learn.

Wait!
My pagoda project!

- I didn't finish!
- [ Groans ]

Pagoda!

Sorry.

Sorry.

This won't take but a sec.

Here, Dotty.
Hold that till it dries.

Whoa!

Rough morning.
Won't happen again.

But it did.

[ Horn honks ]

[ Horn honks ]

Damn it!

I let you stay up late
to watch "Undercover Boss"

'cause you said
you could handle it.

Now, where are your shoes?!

I was hoping you'd know.

Rusty's out, too.

He's not allowed
on the IU campus anymore.

Apparently,
he did do that beer thing.

I'll go.

Why don't you just take my dad?

Why don't I just take poison?

Found them.

Now, what did I do
with my coat?

This is Sue's coat.

It's the coat that's here!

Sorry, Nancy.
Rough morning.

It won't happen again.

Yeah, you know how this goes.

[ Horn honks ]

Damn it. I told you
not to let me stay up

and watch
"House Hunters International."

Who knew Prague was
so affordable and cosmopolitan?

I can't believe it.
Even your dad has plans.

He's trying to figure out
which pill makes him dizzy.

I'll go!

What about that guy at
the gas station? You guys chat.

That's a woman.

And we're not close.
[ Horn honks ]

I guess I'm down
to asking Brick.

Who am I kidding?
He's not gonna want to go.

I'll go!

Go where?

To the game.

There you go.
Take Sue.

Where's my stupid coat?

Uh, are you sure
you want to go?

These are floor seats, Sue,
against Michigan.

[ Door opens, closes ] You got
to really watch the game.

I will.
I promise!

Okay, fine.
But from now on, speak up.

I was this close to going
with Tag.

[ Groans ]
Damn.

I was gonna hit you,
but it looked like

somebody beat me to it.

What's going on?
I haven't seen you in days.

I'm dying here, man.

I'm crapping out
in my real classes

'cause I'm spending so much time
studying for a class

I'm not even taking
just to hook up with a girl.

Now, when I say it out loud,
it does actually make sense.

I can't keep this up.

Kenny, you got to help me, man.
You got to help me, Kenny!

Kenny!
Hey, game over, man.

Time to pull the rip cord.

- You got to come clean with this chick.
- No.

It's been so long since
I touched a girl, Hutch.

I thought
when I came to college,

it'd be this buffet of women
from all around the world--

Kentucky, Illinois,
Northern Illinois--

- but it isn't, man. It just isn't!
- Okay!

[ Breathing heavily ]

What does a heart attack
feel like?

Hey, Sue.

Oh, hey! Good news--
you're off the hook.

Turns out Greg from softball

can make it to the game
after all.

Oh, really?

Yeah.
So you got more time

to do the other stuff
that you like to do.

And your mom will be around,
so it's good.

Oh, okay.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Gasps ]
Sorry, sorry, sorry!

We'll be there in a second.

Brick, carpool!

Frankie, it's dinner time.

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

Well, we can always
use the practice.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah.
About that...

I just wondered if you could be
a little more on time.

You've been running
a little late this past week,

and, well, it's probably Dotty.

She's kind of a nervous Nellie.

So, if you could, you know,
try to be on time.

Oh, gosh, sure.
I can do that.

[ Laughs ]
Thank you so much.

Oh, and, also, when you're
picking up from school,

if you could maybe just be a
little more on time then, too.

Dotty gets scared
when she's still there

after the teachers go home.

Of course.

Still adjusting
to that time change.

Why don't they
just leave it alone, right?

Right.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, and just one more
tiny thing.

Uh-huh.

If you could maybe pack a little
bit more in Brick's lunch.

He's been begging the girls
for food on the way to school.

Got it, got it, got it.
More lunch.

Anyway, good talk.

It's been a rough week.
Thanks for understanding.

Mike: Hey.

Hey.
How was the game?

Great.

Unbelievable seats.
IU won it in overtime.

Mm-hmm.
And did Sue like it?

Uh, didn't take her.
Greg got free.

He moved his wife's C-section
to Friday.

Yeah.
I know you didn't take Sue.

We microwaved pancakes
and read People magazine.

Oh, good.

No, it's not good, Mike.

She really wanted to go
to the game with you.

What?
No, she didn't.

She just volunteered

'cause I didn't have
anybody to go with.

[ Scoffs ]
Are you that clueless?

It wasn't about the game
for her.

It was a special night
with her dad,

eating cotton candy,
getting a cute t-shirt, talking.

Yeah, none of those things should
happen at a basketball game.

- [ Sighs ]
- Look, I saved her from a miserable night.

She would have been bored.

- Why? 'Cause she's a girl?
- [ Sighs ]

Come on, Frankie.

For the most part,
girls are not gonna be

as into a game
as a guy would be.

Are you kidding me?

What is this, the '50s?

I'm sorry, but that's insane.

Girls like sports, Mike.

Why would my dad
have taken me and my sister

to all those
Indianapolis Indians games?

'Cause he didn't have any sons, and
he wanted to go to an Indians game.

So you're saying
if I had a brother,

my dad would have taken me
to less games?

No. I'm saying he would have
taken you to no games.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Yeah, you can "Wow"
all you want,

but you're just as guilty.

You never took Axl to a play.

I've never taken anyone
to a play.

Okay, then, uh,
how about the ice capades?

You took Sue to the ice capades

and never thought about
asking Axl.

Oh, yeah, like I'm gonna get Axl
to put on pants

to watch princesses skate
on ice.

You don't know.
He might have loved it.

Could have taken up skating,
become a gold medalist,

- bought us a house.
- No, no.

Don't try and turn this on me.

Face it-- you don't have
a leg to stand on.

Oh, I got legs--
two of them, just like Axl--

that might have been perfect
for ice skating,

only we'll never know 'cause
you took Sue to ice capades.

Hey, I still do stuff with Axl.

When is the last time you did
anything like that with Sue?

Hey, I spend time with Sue.

I watched her play volleyball,
Frankie.

Got her checked out
at the emergency room.

I'm just saying,
you don't know where she works.

You have no idea
what J-P-la is.

Nobody does.

Look, I'm a good dad.

I'm not gonna stand here
and let you make me feel bad.

Stupid tickets.
I should have taken Dave.

Leaving doesn't make it right.

Makes you quieter.

[ Sighs ]

I did worry
I was a little harsh with Mike.

Unfortunately, I was up
all night worrying about it,

which meant...

[ Horn honking ]

Oh, come on!
Let's go!

We have a quiz first period,
you know.

It's really important.
It's 12% of our grade.

"12% of our grade."

Nerd.

Listen, we're gonna make it.
We got plenty of time.

Just regular bread today?
No baguette?

Tell your mom I'm not a fan.

We left too late.

My mom and dad were talking

about your mom
always being late,

and my dad said
your mom's a real case.

Hey, could you move over?!

We're kind of in a hurry here!

We should be there already!

We're gonna miss the quiz!

I'm gonna get my first zero!

Would you calm down, Dotty?

It's middle school.

You know, I read that schools
test too much anyway.

It's all just a race
to nowhere.

We're all gonna get
tardies now.

We won't be able to go
to the no-tardy party,

and there's ice cream,
and we get to wear a badge

that says we're in
the no-tardy club!

Look, you're all gonna go
to the no-tardy party, okay?

I've got this covered.
I can do it.

[ Groans ]

[ Metal squealing ]
[ Groans ]

Hey, lucky us.

Looks like you got
a couple extra minutes

to study for that quiz, so...

You know, are you sure
you want to--

Ah, all right.
Now, good luck on that quiz.

And, hey, we don't have to tell
your parents about this, right?

Mike didn't want to hear it
at the time,

but the more
he thought about it,

the more he realized
maybe he didn't always give Sue

the attention he should have.

Heading out
to paint the garage.

I'll go!

No. I got to get this
done fast.

Going to the hardware store.

Come on, Axl.

I'll go!

I'm gonna go get milk.

I'll go!

Oh, great.
No sense both of us going.

[ Sighs ]

Hey.
Home from school, huh?

Yep.

No, uh,
J-P-la tonight?

Nope.

Yeah.
Uh-huh.

You have to work today
at the potato place

on the third floor of the mall?

No. I'm picking up
a double shift on Saturday.

Dad, why are you talking to me?

No reason.

Hey, you know, uh...

I was thinking
about going to get a burger

- for dinner.
- I'll go!

No, Sue.
You don't have to volunteer.

I was asking you if you
want to go with me to dinner.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, I get it.

You mean you'll sit in the car
while I run in and go get it.

No. I'm-- I'm asking you
to dinner--

you, me, in a restaurant,
just the two of us.

What's wrong?
Is mom sick?

Are you sick?

Is grandma sick?

Am I sick?!

Nobody's sick.

Oh, no!

You and mom
are getting a divorce.

I knew it.

Are you ready
for a younger woman?

God, no.
She'd want kids.

Look, Sue, nobody's sick,
no divorces.

I just want to grab a burger
with you.

Really?!

Yeah.

Okay!
[ Gasps ]

This is gonna be so much fun!

But no potatoes.

I am so over potatoes.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, I, like,
always get this wrong.

Which planet has the hottest
surface temperature?

What?
[ Laughs ]

Sorry.
It's hard to concentrate

'cause I'm sitting next to
a hot planet right now.

Wow.
You're good at that.

But there is a test tomorrow,

- and we really should stay focused.
- Right.

[ Clears throat ]
Right.

Uh-- pbht!--
Venus is the hottest,

due to the greenhouse effect.
[ Clicks tongue ]

Great. Uh, now,

what planet's gravitational pull
is so strong,

it easily attracts asteroids
and comets into its atmosphere?

That'd be Jupiter.

But your gravitational pull
is much stronger.

[ Laughs ]

Axl, please.
You're not making this easy.

There's plenty of time
for that later.

We really got to study.

Hmm.

Well,
[Clears throat]

actually, I don't.

Funny story--
I'm not actually in this class.

I only pretended to be
to get to know you, so--

What?

- Romantic, right?
- Are you kidding me?!

- I only pretended to like you
so you'd help me with the class! - What?!

When we are done making out,
we are so talking about this.

Oh, uh, hey.
What are you doing?

Leaving.
I got to go find that Aaron guy.

If I fail another class,

my dad's gonna make me work
at his tile store.

So you were just using me
for my brain?!

Well, joke's on you,
'cause I'm barely passing

any of my classes!
Wait.

Do you have any hot friends
you can tell about me?!

Perhaps
your small-bra'd roommate?

I'm desperate!

So thanks to a class
he wasn't taking,

Axl finally learned
how to study

and decided
to apply that knowledge

to the classes he was taking.

Oh! I'm awake!
I'm awake!

Yeah, you are.

Have a good day at school.

And I learned
an important lesson, too--

if you're bad enough
at something,

they'll ask you
not to do it anymore.

Oh, crap.
I'm late for work.

And as for Mike...

Where are you gonna put

a bacon cheeseburger,
onion rings,

and a chocolate shake?

I'm starving!

I missed lunch.

There was a J-P-la
emergency.

New freshman transferred in
from Muncie.

Big transition for him.

Yeah.
I can imagine.

What exactly is this J-P-la
thing that you do?

Your mom has no idea.

Oh. It's awesome.

I mentor the mentors
who mentor the freshmen.

We're actually doing an assembly
on Tuesday

about achieving
teen excellence.

And parents can come.

I told mom about it,
and she's checking.

I'll go.

Really?!

Yeah.

That would be great!

[ Chuckles ]

But, you know, I'm not just
doing it for the assemblies.

Yeah, I really do
want to help people.

But it will look good
on the old college application.

Thought about
where you'd like to go?

Well, if I want to study
marine biology...