The Middle (2009–2018): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Middle - full transcript

The one thing
all parents look forward to

is their kids coming home
from college for winter break.

Until they've been there
a couple weeks.

Axl.

How many times have I told you

stop leaving your stuff
everywhere.

Seriously, this house is so much
cleaner when you're not here.

Fine!

Why are you always thinking
things are gonna get better, huh?

Just give up, mom.
This is your life.

Because of that comment,



you're also gonna go
clean up your room.

I want you to get rid of
whatever you don't need anymore.

You have junk in there that you
haven't used since you were 5.

Oh, my God.

I go to college,
and you want to erase

any trace of me,
like I never even existed.

Now you're getting it.

Mm.

How are those
"Found Dog" fliers coming?

- Oh, you know, I haven't heard anything.
- Hmm.

'Cause you haven't
done anything yet.

Saw a big stack of them
just sitting in your trunk.

You know, you're the only one

that has a problem
with Colin Firth anymore.



It's not his fault.

He just barks at you
'cause he's scared of your face.

You have a hostile
resting face.

A what?

A hostile resting face--
HRF, Mike.

It's a thing.
See? Right there.

You always look like you're
just a little pissed off.

Good.
That's what I'm going for.

Hey, buddy!

How would you like to play
this new game I invented?

I call it "Extreme Room
Makeover, Brick Edition."

- Ahh!
- If it's anything like your other games,

Hamper Hostage, Drier Ride,
and Toilet Explorer,

I think I'll pass.

Besides, I've got a new book
I'm very excited about

and wish not to be disturbed.

"Unsinkable"
by Debbie Reynolds?

It's on the branch librarian's
list of winter must-reads.

She was dead-on about

Nora Ephron's
"I Feel Bad About My Neck,"

and this is supposed to be
just as good.

Mm, okay.

Here's the thing, Brick.

It's not exactly a choice.

Now, you can help me,

or your book can be the next
contestant on Toilet Explorer,

and I'm guessing it's really not
that unsinkable.

Frankie!

You leaving?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, just thinking
about packing up.

I can't believe
it's the end of the day already.

Time just flew, huh?
So, I'll see you tomorrow.

Ah, okay.
Well, just always seems like

you're running
out the door, so...

No, you know what?
I'm not actually running.

I'm just low to the ground,

so it seems like I'm moving
faster than I really am.

Well, you're not running
anywhere tonight

except to grab a burger
with me.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Nonsense.

You had me over
for Thanksgiving,

and I haven't even taken you out
for a single meal.

Okay, then. G-great.

Yes, it would be much more fun

going to dinner with my boss

instead of just going home
and watching The Bachelor.

Super!

Keep.

- Keep.
- Keep?

Whatever.

Just keep. I don't care.
Just keep it.

Hey.

Have some respect.

That's only
my city championship jersey

from the most glorious moment
of my life.

Duh, keep.

You know, Memory Lane Adventure
actually sounded fun

when you first came up with it,

but now I'm starting to think
this was just another scam

to make us
do your work for you.

I'll give you five more minutes
and I'm done.

I need to find out
how it all pans out

between Debbie Reynolds
and Eddie Fisher,

and also who Eddie Fisher is.

There's something big
stuck back here.

Ew.

Wedged...

Oh... right!

That's hilarious.

- I totally forgot about that.
- Axl.

You stole my Thundering Hens
mascot head?

It was you?

Pretty awesome prank,
though, right?

You totally thought
it was Roosevelt High.

O-objectively speaking,
you got to appreciate

how genius it was.

Do you realize
what you did to me?

I suffered incredibly intense
humiliation because of this.

Brad got into a very dangerous

dance fight because of this.

I was a Chicken Bear
instead of a Thundering Hen

for a whole year
because of this!

Oops.

You are dead.

You are so, so dead!

No!
Ow! No!

Oh!

I didn't mean to be out so late.

Turns out Dr. Goodwin has
a long story about everything.

On the plus side,
I brought you dinner.

Well, that's something.

All I could find in the fridge
is an old jar of salsa

and Axl's pants.

- Bleu cheese!
- Dr. Goodwin likes it.

And, hey, if you don't want it

there's a dog here that would be
more than happy to eat it.

Yeah, speaking of that, you can't go out

carousing with your boss
till 9:00 at night

when you got a dog here
that needs to be walked.

Look, Dr. Goodwin's a billion
times nicer than Mr. Ehlert,

but he could still
fire me, Mike.

I'm really not that good
at my job.

- Mm.
- It was a joke! God!

Let it go! You're so lame
you can't even take a joke?

No, I am done, Axl!

I am not gonna let you
hurt me anymore!

Ohh.

The point is,
you could have walked the dog.

It's really not that hard.

Look,
I'm not carrying a poop bag

for a dog I never signed off on.

And I'm not buying your excuses
about those fliers.

Aah!

The tape won't stick
in this weather? Really?

Look, I understand
that Colin Firth

is causing some disruption in our house.

And I will entertain the idea
of giving up

this dog I love very much.

But I think you are
a decent person.

And as a decent person,

you would see
that it wouldn't be fair

to-- to make me do it
unless you really tried,

because you're so decent.

Because you have
a lot of qualities,

but decency is the one
that really comes across.

Please, Mike? It would make up
for the hostile resting face.

Thank you!

You give it a shot
with the dog for two weeks.

Really try,
and if you guys don't bond,

we'll seriously talk about
finding him a different home.

Yeah, I'd love to say that
a cutting board to the face

was the end of Axl and Sue's
epic fight.

But unfortunately,
it was just the beginning.

No! This did not just happen!

Oh, yeah, it did.

Uh, you brought this
on yourself, Axl.

You not only hurt me,

y-you hurt the lives
of all the innocent fans

- who root for the Thundering Hens.
- What?

Besides, Axl, it's just a prank.
Where's your sense of humor?

You'll find out
when my butt's in your face!

Oh, God.

Hey!
Unlock the door right now!

Still at it?

- Yep.
- Huh.

So, hey.

I'm gonna assume
you haven't researched

how to get a dog to like you,
but I have.

You can research
how to get a dog to like you?

Is that
what the internet's for?

Mm-hmm.
A lot of good tips here, Mike.

Oh, this is something
that seems

made for you
and your face problem.

It says you should make
sleepy eyes and then yawn

so it makes the dog feel like
you're not intimidating.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Next.

Okay. Give it treats.

Keep little pieces of meat
in your pocket.

Frankie,
I ate salsa for dinner.

Any meat in my pocket's
going in my mouth.

Okay, well, here's the list.

You may peruse it
at your leisure.

I didn't put this much effort
into raising our kids.

You're so dead!

Clearly.

Dad, you are not gonna believe
what Axl did to me.

Made you brush your teeth?

This is so unfair.

He doesn't even have a reason
to be mad.

I'm the one with the reason.

- He started this last year with--
- Sorry, Sue.

Can't hear any complaints
that go back a year.

Oh, look.

The ugly bot
has a new attachment--

toothbrush and tooth paste.

You!

You are done!

The days of me being
your doormat are over!

While Sue
was standing up to Axl,

I caved and said yes
to shoe shopping with my boss.

Well, once we narrowed it down

between dull black
and shiny black,

things really picked up.

Yeah.

Hey, Frankie.

You know what shoes and people
have in common?

You know, I love suspense,

- so why don't you tell me tomorrow?
- Tongues!

Cat got your tongue?
No, I do.

'Cause I'm checking you
for oral cancer.

'Cause I'm a dentist.

Shoot, should have ended
on cancer, right?

'Cause that's the joke.

What are you talking about?

I'm giving stand-up comedy
a whirl.

- You are?
- Yep.

I'm gonna be performing
down at The Giggle Gulch

on Wednesday night,
and I'd sure love to see

your friendly face out there
in the audience.

Uh, I can't think of
a reason why not.

Just give me a second.

Oh, shoot!

That's the back-to-school rally
booster concert.

It's big.
It's so big.

Well, no problem. They said
I could also go up on Thursday.

Catch me now
before I'm on "Jiminy Kimmel."

I mean, who wouldn't want to
give up a night at home

to go see their boss
try stand-up?

Sue!

Yeah, Mike's not the kind of guy

who tries new things,
but he is a man of his word.

So, going against
his own judgment,

he tried to befriend
Colin Firth.

"Unfortunately, though,

after the demise
of yet another marriage,

the Debbie Reynolds
Hotel and Casino

fell on hard times,

and she was forced to declare
bankruptcy in 1997."

No!

No! No! No! No!
No! No! No! No! No!

Don't worry.
She got back on her feet.

_

Sue knew this had gone too far.

Someone
had to take the high road,

and she knew
it would never be Axl.

What are you doing?

Let's end this, Axl.

No more bubbles,
no more superglue,

no more embarrassing pictures.

All you have to do is apologize

for taking my Hen head,

which is what you should have
done in the first place,

and then we can forget
all about this.

If not...

- the jersey gets it.
- Whoa, hey.

- Don't mess with that.
- Wow.

This city championship jersey
was signed by your entire team,

making this item irreplaceable.

Uh-oh!

I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry I took the Hen head.
I thought it would be funny.

Clearly, it wasn't. I'm sorry.

See?
Now, was that so hard?

- Oh, no! Oh! Aah!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh! My--

Oh, Axl!
I am so sorry!

I didn't mean it.

I was just trying to scare you
and threaten you.

This was just supposed to be
an empty threat.

Axl, say something!
You have to say something!

I have no sister.

What?

Of course you have a sister.

You have to have a sister!
I am your sister!

Eh.

I don't get you.

I mean, I-I'm sorry.
What is that?

What-- what--
what are you barking at?

Half a potato chip?
The President's at the door?

All the same level with you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Remember,
if I'm not home by 10:00,

call my cellphone and pretend
something horrible happened.

You really doing this?

Going to see your boss
do comedy?

What choice do I have?
He signs my paychecks,

and he seems to enjoy
my company.

I'm not like you.

I don't scare people off
with my stony disposition.

I'm warm.
I exude warmth.

You don't know
what that's like.

It's a curse, really.

You know, you don't
have to talk to people.

It's your choice.

Yep, another night
out on the town with my boss.

Well, good thing
there was a two-drink minimum.

'Cause I needed about three.

Well, good evening.

My name is Dr. Ted Goodwin,
and I'm a dentist here in Orson,

and guess what.

Four out of five of us
hate you, too.

Hey, did you know
that mouth cancer

causes 45,000 deaths per year?

Can you believe that baloney?

I need to read you something.

Oh, God,
not the old-lady book again.

No, this is from a young lady
who's in a lot of pain.

"My dearest brother.

I know you're going
back to college tomorrow.

But before you go,
I want you to know

that I am so, so,

so, so, so, so, so,

so, so, very, very, ver--"

Basically, she's sorry.

- Yeah.
- "In exchange for your forgiveness,

I will allow you
10 Indian burns,

3 pink bellies, 2 Dutch ovens,

and a chili dunk."

She does stipulate that
all this be done on a weekend

- so she has time to recover.
- Mm.

Look, Axl, I really don't think
you'll get better than this.

My advice would be
to accept the offer.

No.

Come on, West, get in the game.

Can you believe this guy?

Four turnovers in a half.
Get him out of there!

That's a foul!
Ref, call it!

They never call a foul
on Lebron. Never.

All right,
let's play some defense now.

Come on, defense.

Get in his face!
Hands up!

Here we go.

Well, thanks so much
for making me come out tonight.

I really needed a good laugh.

This was a bad idea.

I mean, I just did it

'cause I've been feeling
kind of lonely,

and stand-up
seems so popular.

But dentist?

I mean, who wants to hang out
with their dentist?

Well, you've only been in town
for a little bit.

It takes a while
to make friends.

I've been here 20 years.

Yikes.

And I'm sorry, Frankie.

I know I've been taking up
a lot of your time.

I guess ever since
Toffee disappeared,

I've just been looking for
something to fill the void.

Who's Toffee?

Oh, just my dog
who went missing.

And I know, as a dentist,

I'm not supposed to name my pet
after a sugary treat,

but... aww, he's white
with these adorable brown spots,

and he's so sweet--
just like toffee.

Wow.

So, um, roughly how long ago
did you lose him?

Huh, let's see.
About two months ago.

You'd think
if somebody found him,

they'd do the humane thing
and put up fliers, right?

Well, you know, tape doesn't
hold very well in this weather.

There you go, West.
See?

Good things happen
when you shoot the ball.

Who's got the best power forward
in the league?

We do. Yes, we do.
Yes, we do.

I'm trying to watch the game.
You want to get your dog?

Colin Firth.

Colin Firth?

Toffee?

Oh, crap.

Yeah, so, I have some bad news.

Well, good news for you,
I guess.

This isn't our dog.

What are you talking about?

It's Dr. Goodwin's.

His dog ran away
two months ago,

and Colin Firth
is the exact description of him.

So, we have to take him back
to Dr. Goodwin's

'cause he belongs to him.

You believe that baloney?

Oh. Well... good.

Looks like
it all worked out, then.

Okay, Colin Firth.

I got your chewy bone
and your chewy monster

and your chewy Mike's shoe.

Where's your leash?

Take care of yourself.

All right, well, we are off.

I guess it's all
for the best, huh?

You two never really
hit it off, anyway.

Come on.

Ugh.

Okay, I know you still hate me.

And I know you think
I'm not your sister anymore.

But you didn't respond
to my note,

so I don't know what else to do

because now you're
going back up to school.

And I was thinking--

because I destroyed something
so important to you,

the only way
to make it up to you

is if I destroy something
just as important to me.

So, forgive me, Woofy Dog.

Everything
just got so out of hand.

I am not proud of it.

I have never known my life
without you,

and I don't even want to think
about what that would be like,

and these last few days
when you said

I wasn't your sister anymore,

I honestly thought
I was going to die!

Okay! Fine!

Stop! God!

You're my sister again.

Are you sure?

Because there's some people
who use the word "Sister,"

but it doesn't
really mean anything,

and they just go off to college

and they never
see each other again

and they only call
when it's time to put

their parents in a home
or exchange Christmas cards,

and that's it.

But that's not
the kind of sister I want to be.

I want to be the kind of sister
you call all the time

and we laugh about
how crazy mom's being.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

And your kids
look a little like me

and my kids look
a little like you

and we all go to King's Island
every year together

and wear
matching t-shirts.

I'll agree to everything,
except the t-shirts.

No matching shirts.
You got it.

Here, let's, uh...
try to fix this thing.

I think I still might have
some glue left over

from your toothbrush.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey, Dr. Goodwin.

I found something
I think you might like.

Oh, my stars!

Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness!

I heard about this family
who found a lost dog,

and they treated him very well

and he loved them so much.

They called him Colin Firth

after the handsome
and emotionally vulnerable

British actor.

So, this should make you
feel good, huh?

Oh, are you kidding?

He's amazing.
Yes, you are. Just amazing.

He really is.

And he looks
so much like Toffee.

Excuse me?

Oh, well,
Toffee only had three legs.

But other than that,
they're twins.

Wait, what?

Are you kidding me?
This isn't Toffee?

Oh, no, ma'am.

But I can already tell
this little guy's gonna fill

the giant gaping hole
in my heart.

Well, you know,
having a dog with four legs

could be quite an adjustment.

I'd certainly be
willing to help out.

Hey, you know,
there's a great dog park nearby.

We could all go after work.
It could be fun.

No, thanks.

Some things
are hard to let go of.

Some things are easy.

Sorry, Margie.
Just not my cup of tea.

I don't think
I'm the target audience.

Really looking forward to

"Secrets Of The Ya-Ya
Sisterhood," though.

Ya-Ya.

And some things,
you never should.

So, I'll, uh,
text you some dates

when you could maybe
come to visit,

you know, like, uh,
when no one else is around.

Oh!
I have a brother again!

I really don't know
why you love me so much.

I've done nothing
to deserve it.

Yeah, okay.

You can let go now.