The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Safe - full transcript

(Crows cawing)

(Frankie)
Out here in the Middle,

if you're a sports star,

the world is your oyster.

Unless your sister
runs over your foot,

and then you'd better
have something to fall back on.

For Axl, it was the couch.

(TV playing indistinctly)
This is not fair!

Not awesome things are not
supposed to happen to me.

Not awesome things are supposed
to happen to other people.

Can I get you
a sandwich or something?



It hurts my foot
to eat sandwiches.

I just want to be left alone.

Stupid Sue.

Axl had pretty much
forgiven Sue

for breaking his foot.

But now and then,
his anger bubbled up.

(Thud)

(Clang) Aah!

(Shower running)

(Door creaks)

I didn't even think
my bones could break,

they're so strong and thick.

God! I drink so much milk!
I'm suing milk!

You know, as long as
you're lying there anyway,



maybe you could do
a little homework?

Oh, my God. You are
the worst comforter ever.

(Sports game playing on TV)

Wait. What is this?

Why are you both sitting down and
looking at me? (Turns off TV)

Well, your mom
and I were talking,

and in light
of your current foot situation,

it might not be a bad idea to
stay on top of the grades thing.

What?

Southern's already revoked
their scholarship offer, Axl,

and East Indy's
being pretty quiet.

I'm just saying
we don't exactly know

where they're at anymore,

and we still gotta think
about getting you into college.

Oh, my God. I'm healing.

Look, we're just saying,
if the scholarship situation

is not the lock
we thought it was gonna be,

we might have to examine
the possibility of a plan B.

So... what would that be?

Well,
that you'd get into college

on your own academic merit.

(Scoffs) That's your plan B?

That's all you got?!
I wanna hear another plan B!

I wanna hear the plan B that
involves you doing something!

Hey. We did do something.
We checked into it,

and the school has tutors
that can help you.

And now that you won't
have practice,

you can use that time to study
and get your grades up.

Let me get this straight--

you have no faith
in my bone mending powers,

I might not be getting
a free ride to college,

and instead of sailing
through my senior year

doing nothing but partying
and ruling the school

as is my God-given right...

you're saying
I have to study more?!

Well, it's not really possible
for you to study less.

You're dead!

You are so dead!
(Gasps)

Oh. Oh!

(Groans)

I'm too depressed to get up.

Well, Axl wasn't the only one

who was gonna have to
start studying.

'Cause the next day
was my first day

of dental assisting school.

Yep, I was back to school

for the first time
in over 20 years.

Oh, Mike,

take a picture of me
with my lunch

like we always said we were
gonna do with the kids

on their first day of school
but never did.

(Clicks)

Battery's dead.

(Pipes groan)

It's doing it again.

Do we need a plumber?

Oh, definitely.

And a roof guy and a mold guy
and a bug guy.

But instead,
we're paying tuition,

and it's all gonna be worth it,
right, Frankie?

Mike, this is not
just my second act.

It's all of ours.

The Hecks are taking risks.

Yeah. We're on
the comeback trail.

Well, four days,
and my hair is still syrupy.

But it's okay.
I deserve it.

I should bear the physical scars
of what I've done.

And bright side,
it smells pretty nice.

Except bees chase me.

(Pipes groan)

All right.
I'm shutting off the water.

If anybody has to go,
now would be the time.

Wait. I have to go again.
No, I'm all right.

Well, maybe I do. Hang on.

No. Okay. I'm good.

Don't forget I have
social skills after school.

We're working
on planning ahead.

I was supposed to tell you
two weeks ago.

And you're in charge
of bringing a healthy snack.

Now?

Now you're telling me this?
This is not a good time, Brick.

- I gotta get to school.
- I'll do it.

I will so do it.

I want to make up
for running over Axl's foot

and ruining everybody's lives.

Okay. Here's 40 bucks.

Now the snacks aren't
gonna cost that much,

so bring back change.

And peanut M&Ms don't count
as a healthy snack.

Learned that one the hard way.

This isn't about
handing out certificates

and sending you on your way.

This is about changing lives
one tooth at a time.

Now I'm going to be
talking about this--

Hi. Oh, sorry. Hi.

(Laughs) Frankie Heck.
I am so sorry.

I was a little nervous.
First day, you know,

and my husband
turned off the water,

so I had to stop
at the karate place to go...

Well, that was too much
information. (Laughs)

Well, you are one brave puppy
coming into my class late,

Frankie Heck.

As the rest of your classmates
already know,

I'm Sandy Armwood,

a thorough dental educator,

according to
a recent Yelp review.

Now dental assisting
is not pretty.

There is going to be spit.

There's going to be blood.

There's going to be
serious gag reflexes.

If you don't think
you're up for it,

if it scares you people,
there's the door.

(Blows raspberry)
I'm not scared. I'm a mom!

(High-pitched laugh)

All right, then,
let's get out our notebooks.

Because it is my honor--
no, it is my duty,

to share my knowledge with you.

I'll start by introducing you
to the maxillary

and mandibular arches.

This is good.
I bought healthy snacks,

I picked you up from school...

I think I'll make
a pretty great mom someday.

(Tires screech, horn honks)
Aah!

Hey, Brick!
Look, a garage sale!

Let's check it out.

(Dog barking in distance)

(Gasps)

Oh... my... God.

I saw something
exactly like this

on Antiques Roadshow.

You know, they appraised it
for a ton of money.

Hmm, I don't know.

It looks like it could
be a cheap copy.

On American Pickers,

I saw someone just throw
one of those away.

You know,
we still have $20 left

from the money
mom gave me for snacks.

If this is worth something,
and we can flip it

like on House Flippers, Miami,

we can bring her back
even more money.

Mom's not working, so we
gotta help out any way we can.

True.

I mean, how could we,
in good conscience, not do it?

I think we have
a real opportunity here.

I mean, clearly, this lady can't
tell things of value from junk.

I learned that one
from watching Hoarders.

The thing I learned
from watching Hoarders

is that it does not usually
end well for the cats.

So while Sue was in heaven
at the garage sale,

Axl was in hell,

otherwise known
as tutor signups.

Hey. No cuts.

You're behind my backpack.
It's holding my place.

Sorry. There's no
holding places.

Well, put it back.
(Backpack slides)

It's my helper backpack.
I'm very injured.

No, you're not.
You're just lazy.

I saw you vault
over two trash cans

on your way in here.

(Scoffs) Are you saying
I'm faking? This is real.

I might be out for the whole
rest of the football season.

Everyone's freaking out.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

I'm just hiding it
behind not caring at all.

Well...
I probably don't care

about whatever it is
you do, either, so...

Actually, I'm co-founder
of the Green Club,

photographer
on the school paper...

Axl Heck?

Your assigned tutor
is Cassidy Finch.

Well, great. I see you two
have already started

to get to know one another.

Oh. And in my spare time,
I tutor dumb jocks.

I'll give you 40 bucks.

- Really?
- Yep.

Just give me one quick sec
to confer with my associate.

- Oh, my God, that's so much money.
(Whispering) - Oh, my God!

- I cannot believe it! Aah!
- We flipped it! Okay.

Yes, I think that will do.

(Cash register drawer opens)

(Squeals)

(Horn honks in distance)

Sue! Hang on.

I saw this exact safe
on Storage Wars.

And when they opened it up,
there was a ton of money inside.

No, Brick. We gotta quit
while we're ahead,

like the smart ones do
on Deal Or No Deal.

Look, $40 isn't gonna
change mom's life.

But $40,000 could.

There might be
pirate doubloons in there.

What do you say, Sue?
Do you wanna let it ride?

(Squeals)

Okay. Let it ride!
(Laughs)

(School bell rings) Okay, backpack boy.
Let's do this.

Yeah, before we dive in,

I wanna be clear
about my goals here.

All right, I don't want
to get too smart,

just smart enough
to get into college.

I think we're safe there.
You ready to start?

- Or do you need me to blow a whistle?
- Wow.

You're making fun of me
for being an awesome athlete.

Ouch. No cracks
about my thick, shiny hair,

or I'll cry out
of my piercing blue eyes.

Boy, you sure do love yourself
some you, don't ya?

Look, I'm not sure I get
why you're hating on me so bad

'cause I play sports.

I don't think you realize
what a public service

we do for this school.

We're, like,
totally responsible

for, like, all the caring,
and all the trophies,

and all the coolness and stuff.

Oh, my God. All the coolness
and stuff is you?

Thanks so much.

(Pen scribbling)

You always this much fun?

I'll have fun
next year at college,

which you don't have a prayer
of getting into

unless you open that book.

(Sighs) So, what, are you
already accepted into...

(Haughty voice)
Harvard or something?

Vassar, actually.
(Laughs)

Vassar?

It has "ass" in it.

Wow.
I feel sorry for you.

Your whole identity is
this tiny locker room world

you think you're king of.

And now you're injured
and you're scared,

so you're putting up
an imperious facade

and overcompensating
for your insecurity.

Okay, if you're trying
to insult me,

you're gonna have to
use smaller words.

After a day at school,
I was beginning to understand

Axl's love affair
with our couch.

- What are you doing?
- Shh!

I saw this on Safe Crackers.

Did it work?

I don't know.

After five minutes,
I switched over to Whale Wars.

But I do feel fairly confident

that I can commandeer
a Japanese harpoon ship.

Sue and Brick were making
as much progress with that safe

as Axl was with his tutor.

So your score of 0 out of 20
on the quiz

makes it pretty clear
that you read nothing

about the Bay Of Pigs invasion.

Well, in my defense,

I was totally sitting down
to read this,

when the guys called me
and invited me to the lake.

(Laughs) Everyone was there.
(Pen clicks)

And PS--
awesomeness ensued.

(Pen clicks) Why didn't you go?

See, this is why
I hate high school.

All everyone does
is go to lame parties.

And for your information,
I had to study.

And so should you.
You have a test tomorrow.

No. The teacher said
yesterday

it was the day after tomorrow.

Wow. God does not give
with both hands.

And that means what?

It means attractive people
are usually not that bright.

You think I'm attractive?

I didn't mean it that way.

- Hmm.
- Okay, um, so where was I?

The Bay Of Pigs. Right.
It's important 'cause, um,

it was a crucial moment
in history.

I mean, those three days
were fraught

with confusion and tension.

JFK had only been in office
a couple of months.

He barely knew
what he was doing,

and yet he knew
he had to take bold action.

He deployed--

How you like high school now?
(Clicks tongue)

(Chuckles)

Seriously?

Oh, my God.
I have to go.

What? Oh... you were vibing me
all these signals,

and you were saying how
you never go to parties,

and you were talking
about tension

and deployment and stuff.
What was I supposed to do?

So I'd gotten off
to a bad start with my teacher.

But if there's
one thing I'd learned

from working at Ehlert's,

it was the fine art
of sucking up.

Hi. I know. Late again.
What are the odds?

But I made you
some snickerdoodles.

Oh. (Laughs)

Look, everybody.

Gingivitis on a plate.

(Thud) You know what those
cookies tell me, Frankie?

You do not respect the tooth.

(Glove snaps) Oh, I do.
I completely respect the tooth,

so, so much.

Ah. Well, good to hear it.

And since you're not
in your seat,

why don't you take
this one right here?

- Oh--
- Attagirl.

There we go. Going down.

Okay. Well, you know what?
I think it would be better-- (Chair motor whirs)

Wowzers!

You have some seriously,
seriously inflamed gums.

- Really? - I see you had a couple of
those cookies in the car, too, huh?

Everybody, gather around!

(Chairs scrape floor)

This is an excellent example
of the oral carelessness

we've been discussing today.

Now I want everyone
to reach in there

and feel that frenum.

(Muffled voice)
Uh, hold on a sec.

No. Come on, come on,
come on. Go, go.

Really get in there. Don't be shy.
(Muffled shouting)

Yep, there's no doubt
about it--

I was miserable...
(Groans)

Axl was miserable...
(Groans)

Even the house was miserable.

(Pipes groan)

You're only
a few classes in, right?

Is it too late to switch you
to plumbing school?

Hey, I swallowed someone's
fake fingernail today.

This is really not the time.

Ugh!

It's 10:00 and I still have
26 more pages!

Mom, you gotta help me study.
Here...

It's
the constitutional amendments.

Just so you know,
those are Roman numerals.

Turns out they're not
just for Super Bowls.

Axl, I can't. I have
a huge anatomy test tomorrow.

Uh, hello!

You're always telling me
to ask you for help,

and now I'm saying I need help,
and you won't?

- This is so typical.
- You don't understand.

My teacher's mean
and she hates me.

That's what I tell you
all the time! And you tell me,

"I'm sure she has a good heart.

She's just trying
to make you be your best."

Ugh. How do you live with me
if I say things like that?

Shut up, Frankie.

Look, we gotta get you
into college,

and you out of college
and back into a job,

so let's knock this out.

Okay, what are
the mandibular incisors?

Oh, my God.
I have no idea!

That was for your mom.

Oh, crap.
I have no idea, either.

Pass.
(Sighs)

What's
the 12th amendment revise?

Can I have
the incisors question again?

Seven layers of the tooth. Go.

I don't know. Oh, my God, what
made me think I could do this?

I'm too old. My brain is mush.
(Pills rattle)

It doesn't hold
new thoughts anymore.

Hey. Over here.

Oh, you have a headache, too?

Will you two man up?
(Pills rattle)

I've had a headache
for ten years.

You don't see me whining.

Let's just do this,
and then you can go to bed.

Everybody's tired.

The only people getting
any sleep in this house

are Sue and Brick.

(Snaps) Ah.

Cheese grater.

I don't know.
I just don't know.

Let me just close my eyes
for ten minutes,

and I'll have the answer.

Come on, Frankie.
What's with you? Suck it up!

I know you're tired, but you got
a long way to go here.

I'm just so tired.

Wait, wait, wait.
Frankie, is this what you took?

Yeah.

It's Tylenol PM.

PM-- that's why it's got
the moon and the stars on it.

It's the kind
that makes you go to sleep.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

My mother drugged me?

And I have a test
tomorrow on...

I have no idea what I have
a test tomorrow on.

(Moans)
Look, I'm all right, Mike.

Just ask Rascal
his questions first,

and I'll just rest my eyes.

(Both grunting)

Okay. That was good.

Now let that sink in,
and I'll let you rest a second.

Okay, Frankie, tell me
what you know about root canals.

Other than they're
probably more fun

than this night is for me.

The root canals...

in Venice are supposed to be
so pretty.

We should go there.
Ah, we'll never go there.

Hey, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Axl, come on, buddy.
Stay with me.

My tutor is pretty
and smart and she hates me.

(Exhales)

I clogged the toilet
at the karate place.

(Thud)

Okay...

One...

Two...

Three!

(Clang)

(Thud, debris clatters)

Oh! Oh, my God.

That did not just happen again.

Mom is going to kill us!
(Breathes heavily)

Hey, wait.
I see something.

Yeah, I know, Brick.
I see it, too--

a giant hole,

right where
the old giant hole was.

No. Look. It's open!

(door creaks)

There's nothing in here
except some maps

and an old...
rental car receipt.

Ugh!

(Sighs) I knew we shouldn't
have bought the safe.

I knew it! But I let you
talk me into it,

and now we have nothing
to give back to mom.

Nothing!

Nothing
but this stupid receipt,

signed by...
Ger-ahld Ford.

The President?
Gerald Ford?

It says it's from October 1974.

Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means?

I'm getting my Robot Butler!

(Whispers) Robot Butler.

Aah! Ha!

(Gasps and kisses)

You know, Rick,
according to my research,

President Ford was
in Indianapolis in 1974

trying to help Senator Lugar
get elected.

So you see that it has
a real historical significance.

I don't know.

Guys, you really can't
make out the signature.

There's no way to know
who this belonged to.

And I'm pretty sure
the president

wasn't renting an AMC gremlin.

But I like you kids.

So how 'bout me giving you
20 bucks for this?

Um, we're gonna need a sidebar.

(Lowered voice) It's clearly
not worth anything.

So let's just take the $20,
which is what we started with,

and cut our losses.

(Lowered voice)
Brick, think about it--

if that wasn't
the president's signature,

he wouldn't be offering us
anything at all.

Obviously, he thinks
it's worth way more.

He's just trying to lowball us.

Rick, we think
we can do better.

Sorry, we're walking away.

And pencils down.

Thank God that was over.

Now it's time for
the clinical part of our exam.

Let's start with
our blood pressure skills.

Frankie, roll 'em up.

Uh, you know what?
I'd-- I'd rather not.

I feel like I've been
hogging all the volunteering.

I'm sure someone else
would like a chance...

What is that?

Hey. If you're really desperate,
I could hook you up.

(Pen clicks) (Sighs)
Here's how you do it.

All right. Okay. "Mesial..."

(Laughs) That tickles.

Let me explain.

This wouldn't happen
under normal circumstances,

- but my son and I were taking drugs
together-- - (Sighs) Frankie...

Isn't it time?

Isn't it time
you accept the fact

that you don't have
what it takes to make it

in the high-pressure world
of dental assisting?

Why don't you
do yourself a favor?

Why don't you
walk out that door

and find something
more your speed, like...

running a hair extension kiosk
at the mall?

You think I'm just
gonna walk out of here?

That I'm just gonna quit
because you told me to?

Well, let me tell you
something about myself--

I...

am a quitter.

A lifelong quitter.

Girl Scouts? Quit.

Piano lessons when they started
with two hands?

Quit.

Working out at Curves?

Quit in the middle of signing up
for the membership.

Every volunteer thing
at my kids' school,

quit, quit, quit.

Oh, and I only got
through 20 "shades of grey."

So if I quit-- and yeah,
I might if it gets too hard--

I'm gonna do it on my terms.

It might be tomorrow.

It might be next week.
It might be the week after!

But definitely not today.

Okay.

Did you see Rick's face?

He totally knew
what this thing was worth.

Of course he did. But we're
gonna have the last laugh

when this thing
is at the Smithsonian,

and we're living in our mansion
in Orson Heights.

(Laughs)

Although...

The L in Gerald kind of
looks more like an R.

And the O in Ford

kind of looks more like a U.

In which case, we have
the 1974 rental car receipt

of some guy named...

Gerard Furd?

Rick, we feel we have
a long-standing

business relationship with you,

and it's not just
about the money, so...

- We'll take the $20.
- Yeah.

I'll give you $10.

- What?
- You offered us $20 before.

- Okay, $9.
- Wait, you can't just lower your offer.

- $7.
- Sell! Sell! Sell!

- All right. All right. All right. We'll
take the $7. - It's Furd, for God sake.

(Register drawer opens)

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Um...

Look, I know I'm the last person
you wanna see,

but, uh, I just wanted
to let you know

I got a B
on that government test.

Really?

That's great, Axl.
Nice job.

Yeah.

Um, I know things are...

kind of weird between us now
'cause of that... kiss thing.

So I get it if you don't
want to tutor me anymore.

It was lame of me.
(Chuckles nervously)

You hated it.
Sorry and stuff.

Um, so... (Clears throat)
Just to recap...

(Chuckles) Me-- lame. Bye.

I didn't hate it.

You didn't?

No, um...

Actually, it was
kind of pleasant.

But the thing is,
I have a boyfriend.

He's away at college.
So it's moot.

Cool. Cool. Yeah.

Um... uh, yeah. Well...

If you ever break up
with that moot guy,

let me know.

Ow.

Sometimes life knocks us down.

(Pipes groan) Sometimes
it knocks us down a lot.

Okay, there it is.
(Sighs)

I figured out the problem.

The house is broken.

Really?

That's your expert opinion?

Yeah. It's groaning
because it's tired,

much like the people in it.

Oh, see what
you're doing there?

Grinding your teeth.

Your mandibular molars,
to be exact.

Oh, my God.
Mike, I learned something.

I didn't used to
know that before.

Oh!

But there's that
tiny glimmer of hope

that lets us believe
that by some miracle,

it'll all work out.

And then again,

sometimes we just
don't know when to quit.