The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 20 - Dollar Days - full transcript

(Crows caw)

(Frankie) Graduation--

the pomp, the circumstance,

but at
Orson Technical Institute,

utility room C,
there wasn't much of either.

Congratulations to the class
of first quarter 2013!

(Cheering)

Class of
first quarter 2013 rules!

(Laughs)
Aha! Way to go, mom!

Aw.

I'm really proud
of you, Frankie.



Well, I think
I can speak for all of us

when I say
you're a true inspiration.

And if we can achieve...

You're not getting a car.

God! But-- ugh.
You're gonna get a job.

I'm sorry. I'm so confused.
What was all this for?

(Sue) Okay,
turn into the kitchen.

(Laughs)

To the right. To the right.

Okay, stop.
Watch your head.

Darrin lost at crazy eights,

and now he has to carry me
everywhere today.

Now that Sue and Darrin had
graduated to full-time couple,

Axl decided for the sake
of their friendship



he'd suck it up
and swallow his feelings.

(Clenched teeth)
Mind if I talk to my friend,

or is that not allowed?

Oh! (Blows raspberry) Please.

I'm not one of those girls

who has to be
with her boyfriend 24/7.

So what's up?

Well, while you've been busy
giving dorkyback rides,

I've been out
marketing our band,

and guess what--
I got us our first paying gig.

Avert your eyes

or risk being blinded
by my awesomeness.

You're kidding.
That's great!

Now get ready, 'cause we are
on a rocket ship to stardom.

We are playing
at the Orson Dollar Days!

The one they do
in the parking lot every year

behind the shoe warehouse?

Not only that,
but they're paying us $50,

or 100 Dollar Day dollars.

No expiration date,
discount merchandise only,

- all sales, final, blah.
- This is awesome.

Maybe I could use my cut

to buy Sue those
imitation Ugg boots she wants.

Yeah, I think Ugg boots would be
the perfect gift for Sue.

What? They would.

So what do you think of this?
(Tv playing indistinctly)

I like it.

Well, how 'bout this one?

Yeah. Like that one, too.

Mike. You're just trying
to get out of helping.

Did it work?

Oh, I can't believe I actually
have to go on interviews now.

Maybe I should take
a sip of wine before I go in.

People always say
I'm great at parties.

Don't know how many dentists

are looking for
a drunk Beyonce impersonator,

but worth a shot.

Brick, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm earning
my family life badge

for Prairie Scouts.

You-- you're in Scouts?
Since when?

Joined a couple weeks ago.
Did I not tell you?

You did not.

Well, who did I tell?

Well, I think it's great that
you've joined something, Brick.

But Scouts? Really?

I checked out an old handbook
from the library,

and I found it very appealing.

And it has
an interesting font-- Menlo Bold.

(Whispers) Menlo Bold.

(Normal voice)
Now can you please sign this,

saying that I completed the task
in an efficient manner

with a first-rate attitude?

Mm-hmm.

There you go.

Oh, and I'm going to need $40.

Hmm.

I'd hold off on that check.
You know he's just gonna quit.

You know, you should
be thrilled, Mike.

Your odd son
wants to do a boy thing.

Yeah. I've been
burned before, Frankie.

Remember basketball? All he did
was count the dribbles.

I don't know. He seems to be
really into it this time.

This could be his thing.

It's not his thing.

Oh, yeah?
You don't know that.

He made our bed.

Packin' it in
and hittin' the road?

My Scout troop's
going camping this weekend.

Camping? You remember
what that is, right?

When we slept in a tent,
outside with the bugs?

I know. I'm gonna
get my camping badge.

But I can't go
if I don't get that check.

So...

Yeah. About that,
look, Brick,

we can't afford
to just fork over 40 bucks

for something
you're just gonna quit.

I get your concern.

I understand I've been
a quitter in the past.

That's mom's influence.
(Bottles rattle in refrigerator)

- Yeah, probably.
- But not this time.

(Refrigerator door closes)
I'm committed, dad.

I'm in it till the end.

Okay. Well, you realize
the end is not tomorrow.

We're gonna get our 40 bucks
worth of fun out of this

no matter how miserable
you are.

It's all good, dad.
I've got this.

I didn't get the job.

Aw. Well, don't worry.

You'll get 'em next time.
Right?

I'm not so sure, Mike.

Apparently,
in order to get a job,

you have to know who you are.

Well, I know who you are.

You're someone who needs a job.

Well, that's not enough
anymore.

It's a whole thing now.

You gotta be able
to sell yourself.

I wasn't even able
to sell a car.

How the heck am I
supposed to sell myself?

That's true.
That is why you got fired.

I was not fired, Brick.
I was let-- ugh.

Anyway, the whole way home,
I'm thinkin',

"I don't know. Do I even know
who I am anymore?"

I mean, okay, help me out here.

Come on.
Just give me something.

If you had one word
to describe me,

what would it be?

- Lazy. - Angry.
- Tired.

Hey, hey, hey. One at a time.

- Lazy.
- Angry.

Tired.

Actually, "lazy" and "tired"
are kind of the same thing.

Yeah, but I still think
she's more lazy than angry.

I don't know. If you call her
on being lazy,

- she gets really angry.
- Mm.

That's not fair.

Thank you.

She's only angry
because she's getting older,

nothing turned out
like she wanted,

and now at this
late stage of her life,

when she should be able
to kick back and relax,

she's stuck grabbing
at her one last chance

to try and make something
of herself.

(Axl)
Wait. What about naggy?

- Good answer.
- Oh, good answer.

- Very good answer.
- Good answer.

Okay, that's enough.

The reason your mom
is tired, lazy, and irritable

is 'cause of you guys.

No one... said... irritable.

Okay, fine.
You're not irritable.

You know what? Forget it.
You people are useless.

We were only trying to help.
God, she is so ungrateful.

Ooh! Ungrateful!

- Good answer.
- Good answer.

- Good answer.
- Good answer.

(Feedback whines) Whoo!

This'll be, like,

our Axl And The Ax Men
signature pose.

We should seriously
try to patent it.

Uh, yeah.
I've been thinking...

our name sounds a little...
'50s, or whatever.

What are you talking about?

Well, Sue had
an interesting idea.

(Snickers and laughs)
Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Well,
we were hanging out,

you know,
and talking and stuff,

and I thought maybe it did sound
a little... blah.

But then we thought
what if it had all your names--

Darrin, Sean, Axl--

Daseanax.

What?

(Sean) Daseanax?

Huh. That's actually
pretty cool.

Oh, my God.
In what universe?

We are a brand--

Axl And The Axmen.

And, yes, my name's on it.

But I'm the one
who started the band,

I'm the one
who got us this gig,

and I was the one
who was up all last night

working on a new album cover!

(Mouth full) No, you didn't.

You watched "Titanic" with mom
and then you went to bed.

I think he was crying.
He cries a lot.

Let's just play.

One, two, three, four!

(Playing discordantly)

Dude, dude,
you are killing the song.

We need more egg.

I can't drum and play
the egg at the same time.

I'm not an octopus.

(Gasps)

Uh, I'll do it.

I-I played the tambourine
for Reverend Timtom.

And I don't wanna brag,

but I was pretty good.

Nope. No way!
Not happening.

My sister is not in the band.

We're out of hands, Axl.

The song doesn't rock
without the egg.

We got no choice.

I say we give her a chance.

Yeah!

(Shaker rattling)

Okay.
If I'm at a social event,

am I a party princess,

a solitary Suzy,

or in the corner,
talking to the principal?

What are you doing?

Well, I'm still trying
to figure out who I am.

and take the personality quiz.

You're taking life advice from Sue?
(Sighs)

You've seen her life, right?

I'm desperate, okay?

All right. So-- so who am I?
Who am I?

I... I... I...

Ooh. I'm a good snapper.

- Seriously.
- Well, you're a great mom.

(Exhales) Yeah.
(Thuds)

I know I'm a great mom.
Duh, Mike.

But being a great mom
isn't gonna get me a job.

Who am I other than that?

I-I really don't know.

Okay. What about nice?
I'm nice.

Eh.

Okay, then,
how 'bout hard worker?

(Exhales) Yeah.
That's not true, either.

(Taps key)

(Boys shouting playfully)

Hang on.

Isn't this
your social skills group?

Yeah. We went to
a regular Scout meeting before,

but after a few weeks,

they decided to give us
our own troop.

Wasn't that nice?

You know what time it is, boy?

I'll tell you
what time it is--

it's late o'clock.

Told you we didn't have time
to stop for a sausage biscuit.

Mike Heck. Brick's dad.

Okay. I got him.
You can go.

Huh. Yeah, hey, uh,

maybe I didn't read
the permission slip too clearly.

But, uh, where exactly
are you taking 'em?

We're going out there,

in the deep woods,
where a man can get lost,

where he's got no past,
no future.

Only the now.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, where is that,
exactly?

Oh, no, soldier.
That's classified.

He's got my ax!

Tell him it's my turn
with the ax!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey. Hey.

That's the way you hold
a knife when you're whittling.

That's how you hold a knife
when you're gonna kill a man.

(Boy) Oh. I see.
Thanks, Mr. Stokes.

(Sighs)

I'll tell you what,
Mr. Stokes,

while you're gettin' lost
in the deep woods,

these kids are gonna be
doing something else.

But, dad, this is the most

I've ever not quit something
my whole life.

What are we all
supposed to do now?

(Exhales)

So Mike found himself
the unwitting Scoutmaster

of troop crazy.

All right.
You all got your waters.

Now go to bed.

(Yelling) Can we get
a bedtime story, Mr. Heck?

I can't sleep
without a bedtime story.

According to this manual,

we're supposed to practice
a duck and cover drill

in case the dirty commies
lob a nuke at us

- during the night.
- No.

We already built a fire,
ate hot dogs,

made a compass with a leaf,
and practiced your salute.

Let's just go to bed.

(Meowing)
Zack? Where you been?

I've been calling for you.

No more chasing birds.
It's lights out.

(Yelling) I'm hungry.

(Boys shouting at once)
Ham and cheese!

(Groans)

While Mike was making
three PB&Js--

one with crust, two without--

two ham and cheeses,
an iced tea...

three juices,
and a saucer of milk,

Axl was getting his band ready
for their big night.

Okay.
Checked the schedule.

We're going on between

the Fancy Feet "Gangnam Style"
tap number

and Itty Bitty Jujitsu.

Whoo. Nice spot.

Those Jujitsu kids
are really good.

(Sean) Are you sure
about this, Axl?

Guess I was expecting...
I don't know,

something a little more
less sad.

Dude, every band's
gotta pay their dues.

This'll be a great story
for "Rolling Stone" someday

when we're kicking it
in our mansions,

trying to decide which Ferraris
to take to go yachting.

It'll humanize us.

Uh... what is that?

(Sue) Oh, okay, okay.

The thing is, I had already
ordered the sticker

before you said you didn't
want to change the name.

And then I was gonna tell you,
but then I forgot,

so then I thought I would
just bring it here anyway

and see how everybody felt
once it was here.

Well, I like it.

I think it looks awesome, Sue.

Do you, Darrin? Do you really
think it looks awesome?

'Cause you know what I think?

I think I've had it!

I have been so cool.
So cool!

But I am so sick of this!

You...
are Yoko-ing the band!

But not just the band,

you're Yoko-ing my school,
you're Yoko-ing my house.

You two together are poison!

You wanna be Daseanax?
Fine.

Go ahead. No, maybe you should
be Daseansue,

'cause the Ax Man...
is out!

(Lowered voice) - Mr. Heck.
- Hmm?

I'm having a sock issue.

They touched the ground.

Oh, it's okay.
Use your backup socks.

I did already.
And my backup backup socks.

This is an emergency.
I need to go home.

Oh, no. You can't.
No one's here at the house.

If I take you home, I gotta
take everybody else with me.

How 'bout I get you
a pair of my socks?

(Breathing heavily)
Unacceptable. Unacceptable.

Unacceptable!

(Yelling) Can I sit
up front with you, Mr. Heck?

You're easy to talk to!

(Grunts)

(Sighs)

(Lowered voice)
Here, kitty, kitty.

While Mike was searching
for a rogue Scout,

I was Aunt Edie's,
talking to my mom.

Look, honey, any dental office
would be lucky to have you.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah.

No. It's true.

People have always loved
being around you.

All the moms wanted you
in their carpool.

You were very lively.

You know, I have noticed

that when I sign up
for something at church,

one or two people
sign up after me.

I did not give birth
to average people.

I am telling you,
you are the whole package.

You are a warm, special,
beautiful, amazing person.

And if they don't believe that,
they can call me.

Oh, thank you.
(Chuckles)

Mom always seems
to have the answers.

Why did I ever move out?

(Children's choir singing
"Tomorrow" from "Annie")

Hey, uh, look,

about what happened before...

I think we should talk.

Okay. I'm listening.
(Zips)

We've been friends a long time.

And I just want to say,

I feel you're being
disrespectful to Sue.

What?
Are-- are you kidding me?

I don't know
if you realize this,

but sometimes,
you sort of make fun of her

and put her down.
She has a lot to offer,

- and I think you could be more supportive.
- Wait.

Don't tell me how to treat Sue.
She is my sister.

And if I wanna
rank on my sister

or fart on my sister's head,

I will fart
on my sister's head.

Maybe you can't see it
'cause you're her brother,

but she's a sensitive,
beautiful woman.

Oh! Blah! Don't call
my sister a woman!

That is disgusting.
And you know what?

You could have dated, like,
any other girl in the world,

but you just had
to pick my sister.

I really like her.

She's sweet and funny,
and all these--

Oh, my God, I will not stand by

while you say
nice things about her.

Hey, hold on.

- I think we should talk about this.
- No! I'm done!

Get out of my face!

Did you just flick me?

Yeah. What? You wanna
do something about it?

Yeah.

What the...

You little...

Hey! Aah!

Oh!
(Thuds)

Stupid sister lover!

Aah! I hate you!

You're goin' down!

(Children screaming)
Ooh! Hey! Get--

(Darrin and Axl grunting)

Stop!

Stop! Stop it!
You guys are friends!

Aah!
(Thud)

- Sue!
- Sue!

(Slurps) How's it look?

Good.
You can hardly see it.

Oh...

okay, listen, Darrin,

I've been thinking...

that punch in the face
was a real slap in the face.

You know, when we got together,

we didn't even think about
how it would affect anyone else.

And now we've just left a trail
of destruction in our wake.

I just feel like you and Axl

have been friends
for, like, ever.

And I don't wanna be the one
to come between you two.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Are you breaking up with me?

Oh, gosh. I've never
done this before,

and I have no idea
if I'm doing it right.

No. (Voice breaks)
You're doing it right.

I'm so sorry, Darrin.

I really, really am.

Breakups are tough.

Matt broke my heart.

And Brad and I split
three years ago,

and he still hasn't
kissed a girl.

But I just feel like
it's getting too hard.

Yeah. Axl and I always said

we'd never
let a woman come between us.

That's a much easier pact
to make

when you're 6
and girls have cooties.

And when you think about it,

you know, we only have
two months of school left.

And I have all
my sophomore activities,

and you have all
your senior activities.

And... what about all the girls
at air conditioning school?

You're not gonna want
to be tied down.

I just feel like
we'd be better friends.

I guess I can live with that.

But I'm always gonna think of
you when I see a mirror ball.

And I'll always
think of you when I dance...

or taste blood.

Mm! Ooh!
It hurts so bad.

I know. Me, too.

(Meowing) Knock it off, Zack.
Go back to sleep.

(Meowing loudly)

Brick, I think we should
pull the plug on this thing.

I am not quitting, dad.

I'm in it to win it.

(Yelling) Do you want me to tell
Zack you'll take him home

so we don't wake
the other kids?

Mike didn't know it, but his
night was just beginning.

(Exhales) One by one,
he took each kid home

from dusk
all the way till dawn.

Brick, if you wanna
go in the house, just go,

but let me sleep.

No. It's morning.
I did it.

Now would you please sign this

saying that
I showed perseverance

in the face
of difficult obstacles

and handled myself
in a Scout-like manner

worthy of camping badge?
(Pen clicks)

I'd say we both did.

(Groans)

Now I need you
to go get your mom,

roll me back
onto my sleeping bag,

and drag me into the house.

Ah, hi.
Frankie Heck.

I am Ted. Doctor.
Dr. Ted Goodwin, DDS,

from ICD--
Iowa College of Dentistry.

Go, Hawks! I hated school.

Hi. Frankie Heck.
(Laughs)

I am sorry about this mess.

I gotta get around
to writing on these someday.

But I cannot find a pen.

Uh, and after a while,
you just get tired

of writing,
"Plaque. Plaque. Plaque."

You know? (Laughs)
(Laughs)

Orson has
an intense plaque problem.

But I'm not one
to speak out of school.

(Laughs)

Uh, so, I guess
I ask you questions, right?

Okay. Well, tell me...

who is Frankie Heck?

Well, I'm warm and special
and amazing

and beautiful and lively.

Oh, God.
What was I thinking?

I should never have listened
to my mother's load of crap.

Of course she said
those things. She's my mother.

I sound like an idiot.

You know what?
I don't know.

I just don't know.

You want one word
to describe me?

"Mom." There. That's it.

I can get dressed
in under 30 seconds.

I can pull anything
out of my bag without looking.

You need a quarter?
(Coins rattle)

(Coin clinks)
Got it. Protein bar?

How about a pen?
Blue or black?

I can hold off creditors
for months,

I can listen to five
conversations at the same time.

Oh, and apparently,
I'm a delight in a carpool.

Okay. I suck. Good-bye.
I'll let myself out.

Uh, uh, first of all,

I love my mom.
Moms are angels.

Don't talk bad about moms.

And I like that creditor thing.

I used a lot of the government's
money to go to school,

and they kind of want it back.

Oh. Really?

And how many kids
did you say you have?

'Cause I see a lot of 'em here,
and they're nasty.

Oh, I have three
wonderful children.

They're really more like
my best friends.

That's just like me and my mom.

This just feels right to me.

And I don't want to talk
to any more people.

You're hired.

Are you serious?

Oh! Thank God!

Oh. Ooh.

Sorry. It's probably
too soon to do that. (Laughs)

Must have been that sip of wine

I had before I came in.
(Chuckles)

We all earn badges in life.

Some tell the world
who you are,

others tell the world
of your achievements.

Some will stay
with you forever,

and some you hope won't.

Sorry about your face.

I know. 'Cause it's so ugly.
Ha ha.

(Chuckles) Good one.

But, no, I was actually
asking how you're doing.

Oh. Darrin and I
broke up.

Ooh. Really?

Yeah. Well, it seemed like
it was for the best.

I think we're better
as friends.

Hey, uh...

all that stuff I do to you...

it's just, you know,
what we do.

(Chuckles) It doesn't
mean anything, right?

Right.

Of course, I'm still gonna knock
the plate out of your hand,

tickle you till you pee,

and make you smell my armpit
from time to time.

I understand.

But I'll wait
till you're feeling better.

I'm not a monster.

You want a drink?

Uh, no. My lip still hurts
when I try to sip things.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What are you gonna do
with that bread then?

Well, I can eat it, but I have
to be sort of real careful...

- Ahh. (Laughs)
- Ahh.