The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Middle - full transcript

Sync and corrections by n17t01

Human beings have always had

the need to communicate,

and the way we've done it

has changed faster
than we can keep up with--

but not necessarily
for the better.

Sue? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I guess.

What's wrong?

Mm, it's nothing.



Okay.

What?!

It's just...
I was looking at Facebook,

and all these pictures
are popping up

of everyone
at Chloe Kirkwood's sleepover

that I guess I wasn't
invited to.

A-and everyone was checking in
and tagging each other.

Well, I don't know what any
of that is, but is sounds bad.

How good of friends are you
with this Chloe person anyway?

I don't know.

As much as Carly is!

Oh, Carly was invited? Mm.

Well, you didn't invite
Chloe to your party,

so that's probably why
she didn't invite you to hers.



Yeah. Don't let it
get to you.

It's just how it goes
sometimes.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, that was good advice.

That was
"get up off the floor" advice.

All right, well, if you're
gonna stay there,

could you roll over?
I'm missing a sock.

All right.
See you then, then.

Okay, that was weird.

That applies to so many
things in this house,

you're gonna have to be
more specific.

Your dad wants to have lunch
with me tomorrow at Stuckey's.

- Okay, that is weird. Why?
- I don't know,

but apparently I gotta drive
an hour and a half to find out.

Wow. I hope
nothing's wrong.

Do you think somebody's sick?
You know,

he did have those things frozen
off his head a while back.

See, this is why I never
pick up the phone.

Nothing good comes of it.

Shirts!

Where are my shirts?!

Grr!

No.

Whoa.

You saw nothing!

No, I saw, like, a million
bunnies in our closet.

For this crisp dollar bill,

might you be willing
to un-see them?

Spill it.
But make it brief.

- I'm already losing interest.
- Fine.

Do you remember Bugs,
the bunny mom and dad got me

to make me stop whooping?

- Uh-huh.
- Whoop!

Well, mom and dad told me
not to ever let him out.

And, of course, I did,
and then he made friends

with this other bunny,
and then they gave each other

piggyback rides, fast forward,
and here we are.

Point of interest--
he is a she.

Yeah. So, uh...

so what's your plan here?

I figured I'd wait till
they mature a little more

and then release them
into the wild.

You can't just throw
domesticated bunnies

back into the wild, Brick.
They don't know what to do!

They don't know how to climb
a tree to get an apple,

and they can't outrun
a pack of angry cows.

Come on, use your head!

I will if you will.

Okay, here's what you do.

You get a box,
you put 'em all in there,

you make a sign that says
"Free Bunnies,"

and you take 'em to
the frugal hoosier parking lot.

You stand there, you look cute,

and you hope they look cuter,
and then, well,

you start moving some bunnies.

Hmm.

Look at this.

Now they're going to Chi Chi's.

- Who? - The girls who didn't
invite Sue to their slumber party.

Oh, and Carly's there, too?

Oh, great.

What are you doin'?

Snooping around
on her Facebook.

What? An informed parent
is a responsible parent.

I think we've proven we're neither.

Aren't you the one who says
to say out of the girl drama?

Yeah, well, it's
a different world now, Mike.

When we were kids,
if you didn't get invited

to something, you didn't
find out about it.

But now poor Sue is getting

all these pictures
popping up in her face.

Ugh. And then they all comment
on each other's pictures.

Okay, you gotta hear
these ridiculous comments

- that they write.
- I don't think I do.

"OMG, you are so gorg!"

"Could you be more sexy?"

"Save some pretty
for the rest of us."

And I gotta tell you,

some of these pictures
are not that great.

Who cares? Sue does plenty
of stuff with friends.

Does she? 'Cause all
I see her posting

is a picture of her foot.

And no one's even liked it yet.

She's not gonna get
invited anywhere

if she's
the foot-posting girl.

Frankie's she's growing up
too fast anyway.

We should be thrilled
she's home with her family,

taking pictures of her foot.

I'd like to stay home tomorrow

and take pictures of my foot.

Instead, I gotta use it to drive
170 miles to see your dad.

Look, if you
do something nice for him,

maybe I'll do something nice
for you.

Really?

- Not that.
- Yeah.

You know, my friend
Stewart Merilander

is in terrible shape.

He's got the diabetes,
and the wheel on his trash can

falls off, so I had to
put it back on for him.

Should've taken
a couple minutes.

Takes me an hour.

Yep. Some things take longer
than we ever think they will.

But the thing is,
the next week,

he brings me a tomato.

See what I'm getting at
here, Mike?

No, you know,
uh, I-I don't, Tag.

We've been here
going on two hours now,

and I'm still not really sure

why you wanted
to have lunch with me.

Is your health okay?

Pissing like a teenager again.

Uh-huh. So...

So?

So wh-what was it you wanted
to talk to me about?

You ever read that book
"Tuesdays With Morrie"?

No. Don't think I have.

Every Tuesday,
this Morrie fella

meets with
a former student of his,

and he tells him
his life stories

and his wisdom and so on
before he dies.

Oh, God.

So clear your schedule, Mike,

'cause unlike Morrie,
I ain't dyin'.

I've got loads of time.

Look, mom,

it's my Saturday Night sundae.

See, it's a sundae,

but I'm eating it
on a Saturday!

Yeah, yeah. I get it.

Ooh! I know.

I'll post it on Facebook.

I'll call it my "Saturday Night
Suuue-nday," and I'll show it

next to these funny socks
I'm wearing.

Hey, what if we went
to a movie?

Then you can post you went
to a movie on Saturday night.

Oh, I like that.

Oh, "going to the movies...

with my mom!"

Don't send! No.

What about, "went to
the movies with the girls"?

'Cause we're both girls, right?

Love it.

I'll get my jacket.

Oh. We're really gonna go?

I don't wanna talk about it.

What? Hold on.

Is everything okay?
He's not sick, is he?

Worse.

He read "Tuesdays With
Morrie."

Oh.

Ohh!

It's not funny, Frankie.

He wants me to
drive down there every week

to hear his stories.

- Every week!
- Aw!

I think it's sweet
he wants to share with you.

Do ya? Do ya, Frankie?

Then maybe you should go,
'cause my life is wrecked now.

Look, if you're so miserable,
just tell him

- you don't want to do it.
- I can't do that.

You can do that
with your own family,

not the one you married into.

You got off easy.
My dad's a hoarder

who never wants to leave
the house or talk to anybody.

And I am thankful for that
every single day.

Well, that was a bust.
Didn't move a single bunny.

And somehow, when my back
was turned,

I ended up with these.

What? How did this happen?
God! I gave you one job.

The only person who wanted
the bunnies

was a man who worked
at the frugal hoosier.

On a related note,
I do not think

mom should buy chicken
there anymore.

Great. Now we got bunnies
and kittens.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

We gotta make 'em famous.

♪ dum, duh-duh-dum...

♪ Duh-duh
dum-dum-dum-dum-dum ♪

♪ Whee! ♪

Mm. Oh, Mr. Bond,

you're so sexy!

Funny.

I was about to say the same.

Oh, my! You are charming.

So tell me.
What brings you to Bangkok?

Business?

Or pleasure?

Mmm. You tell me.

Because pleasure
is my business.

- Mmm, what's over here? Ooh. Ahh--
- Oh--

- Cut! Cut!
- Gah!

Brick, I told you, keep her top on.

We can't have another nip slip.

We're gonna lose
our "G" rating.

I'm not sure
Sue's old doll clothes

are really meant for bunnies.

And I'm also not sure
why we're even doing this.

Have you been living
under a rock?

Once these guys go viral,

we're gonna be
fighting off the offers.

Think about it.
If you had the chance

to own the sneezing panda,
wouldn't you?

The skateboarding dog?

The monkey that smells
his own poo and faints?

This is not just sound business.
This is genius.

And, now that I think about it,
a possible career path.

While Axl had a lifetime
to figure that out,

Mike was stuck spending
what felt like a lifetime

listening to my dad.

I'm telling you, Mike,

there's no such thing
as a bad baked potato.

Any man that tells you
different is a jackass.

Don Rickles is a funny man.
That's all there is to it.

Two words--
glucosamine chondroitin.

Once a month, whether you
feel like it or not,

just to know
it's still workin'.

Mexicans-- sweetest people
you'll ever meet.

Always release a test fart
if you can.

Real, real, fake, real, fake...

And that's why I can never
return to the Panama Canal.

Oh, hey, Mike, I know this is

a lot for you to absorb.

You know, Tag, it really is.

Yeah, well, that's why
I-I brought you this book.

Oh, and by the way,

can we move, uh, next week
up to 11:30?

I don't want us to feel rushed.

You crying, Mike?

Little bit.

Uhh. Tell me your plan, Dr. Bad.

Well, Mr. Bond,

my plan is to tie you
to a spaceship

that's carrying a nuclear bomb

that will drop to Earth
and extinguish you

and all of humanity!

Oh, but there's only
one problem with that plan,

Dr. Bad.

And what would that be?

Me!

- Ha!
- Ahh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Seize him, Mr. Hoppity!

Hi, Mrs. Heck.

Oh, hello, Carly.

Is Sue here?

Sue, it's your friend Carly.

So, Carly, what you been up to?

Um... nothing much.

Nothing? Huh.
'Cause I thought maybe

you were hanging out
at Chi Chi's?

Oh, yeah, well,
some of us went there last week.

- It was fun.
- Was it "so much fun"

with three exclamation points
and four smiley faces?

Uh...
I guess.

Oh, here's Sue.
Remember her?

Hey, Carly! You ready to go
to the libes?

That is what some of
the seniors call the library.

"The libes."

Did you hear that, Carly?
She learned it from the seniors,

so, uh, yeah.

So I didn't read the book,

but I assume the guy
ends up shooting Morrie?

Oh, hang on. Here's
something interesting.

Yeah, he was never
in the circus, Mike.

He took one clown class
during the war.

No. After this whole section
about foot maintenance,

your dad writes, "always
look a man in the eye

and tell him the truth."

- He feels very strongly about it.
- Hmm.

This is it, Frankie.

I'm gonna use his words
to break out of here.

It's like "Shawshank." I
found my way to the sewer!

Hey, mom, guess what.

I was just checking on
the response

to my status update,
and I have this new friend

on Facebook, some girl
named Jill Munroe.

- Wow. Really? That's great.
- I know, right?

And underneath where I said
"we went to the movies,"

she commented, "OMG.
Sounds super fun.

Could you be more gorg
in your profile pic?"

Sweet, huh?

Anyway, I'll let you guys
sleep,

but I just wanted
to share the latest.

Night!

What? I...
Fine.

So maybe I made up
a fake name and friended her.

So what?! It's not illegal.

Jill Munroe?

Farrah Fawcett's character
from "Charlie's Angels"?

Oh, so you can't remember
our anniversary,

but you got that locked in.

Enough with this, Frankie.

You're prowling around
Facebook every night,

you're making up pretend friends.

You're getting obsessed.

This is not about me, okay?

I'm worried about Sue.

There's this whole cyber fun
party going on out there,

and I don't want her
falling through the cracks.

What are you talking about?
She just went out with Carly.

Yeah, to the library.

Sue's fine to go to
the library with,

but if you want a hot pretzel,
Chloe's your gal.

Listen to me.
Nobody on the computer

is having as good a time
as you think they are.

Trust me on this one, Jill.

I know, I know.

Maybe I am getting
a little nuts.

We should have a sleepover!

Hmm? Really?

Hmm. Wow! Ye-- okay.

I guess I could invite
the wrestlerettes and Carly.

Hmm. Well, inviting
Carly is good,

but you do see
the wrestlerettes a lot.

What about that mentee you had?
The cheerleader?

- She was cute.
- Oh, Jenna?

Yeah. And there's that girl
that hangs out with Carly

at the pretzel place.

You know,
blonde, wears a beret,

dates a guy named Steve,
loves the movie "Mean Girls"?

Oh, that's Chloe.

How do you know that stuff?

Um, I think you told me once.

- Oh.
- So...

But, yay, sleepover!

So that's why you
cut pickles in half.

Got it. So listen, Tag--

Now, women's lib--

Tag, wait. Just-- just...

hold up.

There's one story in your book

that really stayed with me.

You mean the one about
the bathroom stall in Wichita?

No.

No, the one where you had
to fire your friend,

but you said the best way
to do it was just

look him in the eye
and tell him the truth.

To be fair, the same thing
applies to the stall in Wichita.

So I'm just gonna do it, Tag.

I'm looking you
right in the eye

and I'm just gonna say it.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't do any more
"Sundays with Tag" at Stuckey's.

You ruined Stuckey's
for me, Tag.

You ruined Stuckey's.

You-- you ruined lunch,
you ruined driving,

you ruined coffee,
you ruined listening,

you ruined talking.

It's killing me.
You're killing me.

Wow.

Well, you're really
getting it now, Mike.

That's exactly what
I'm trying to teach you.

Now on to the boudoir...

if Frankie is anything
like her mother,

the bedroom...

Hi!

Hi! Come on in, Jenna,
Chloe, Ally.

I feel like I already
know you guys.

Carly.

Hey!

We are gonna have so much fun!
Okay, first--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Plenty of time for fun.

But first, what do you say
we get everyone together

for a photo op?

Mom, they haven't even taken
their coats off yet.

Oh, okay, coats off, and then
let's get to that picture.

Wait, Sue, I've never been
to your house.

- Can I see your room?
- Oh, yes! Aah! Come on!

Don't forget
to "check in."

"Check in"
to the Heck household.

Be sure to do that.

Okay.

Oh. Mr. Bond.

What are you doing here?

I narrowly escaped, darling.

And I rushed right over here
to help you...

wash your back.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ohh. But why stop there?

Oh, cut!

What's wrong?

This kitten's a lox.

I'm getting nothing from him.

How's he supposed to seduce a
rabbit with this look?

I don't think a cat is supposed
to seduce a rabbit at all.

Well, he's supposed to be
smoldering at her,

but instead he's just like...
"Oh, I'm a cat."

I mean,
there's no heat between them.

I don't know what that means.

"Smoldering"?
Come on, it's like...

How you get girls, you know?

The look.

No idea what you're saying.

Man.

I just realized I have
a lot to teach you

before I go off to college.

Okay. Listen and learn.

Say there's a cute girl
standing in front of you.

First, you make eye contact.

Now... you wanna
squint just a little.

Okay. Now just tip your head
just slightly.

Now... imagine you're
smelling some...

really awesome tater tots.

That's it, dude!
You nailed it!

Did I? I felt I nailed it.

Sue? Sue?

- Ouch!
- Oh, sorry, Jenna.

Carly, I hardly stepped on you.

I'm just, uh, trying
to upload our photos to Facebook

and I don't know how.

Mom, we're watching a movie.

Yeah. I know. I know.

But I just thought it'd be fun
to post the pics now.

- Why? Who cares?
- Because that way it'll be done.

Fine. Just click on
the camera icon

and then click "Import."

Got it, got it, got it.
Okay.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Oh, God.

- No, no, no!
- I can't watch!

- I'm freaking out!
- I can't watch! I can't watch!

Aah!

Oh, that is so cute!

Okay, hold on. No one move.
I'm gonna get my camera.

Okay,
I-I think he went away.

- Okay, I am never going to bed again.
- Oh, my God.

- Can we sleep with the lights on tonight?
- Yes. Yes.

So was that the man?

- No, it was the creepy grandpa.
- He's alive?

- Yeah.
- Okay...

Wait. What happened?

Oh, you were all so cute
together

huddled up next to each other.
Get back to the way you were.

No, mom, we're really good
on pictures.

Oh, you can never have enough.

Ally, get back
in your sleeping bag.

But I'm sort of hot.

Chloe, weren't you
over there next to Sue?

Uh, I guess so, but--

Mom, she doesn't want
to get up.

- Oh, she doesn't have to get up. Here
you go. - Oh, I can't see the movie.

- There. Okay.
- Mom!

There you go. And, Jenna,
I think you were over here,

- weren't you?
- Actually, I'm okay, Mrs. Heck.

Okay, that's good!

Oh, this is gonna be so cute!

Just come over here, and we'll
just do it like that.

- Mom, stop!
- That's great.

Okay, okay. Everybody get
a little closer together.

Okay, perfect.
Here we go.

Come on, Carly, look alive.

Mom, what did you do?

Oh, wait.
Oh, but you know what?

This is so funny!

Okay, everybody do this.

"Ohh! We're so sad
we lost the movie!

Ohh!"

Everybody put your hands
on your cheeks,

and then-- Sue, you come
forward a little bit,

'cause you have to be
the saddest

'cause it's your party.
Okay, you ready? "Ohh!"

Mom, can I see you
for a minute?

What are you doing?

You're wrecking my sleepover.

Just go... away.

Fine. I'm sorry.
I'm going.

Axl, can I ask you something?

When you said you're
leaving to go to college,

what did you mean by that?

That I'll be leaving
for college.

But you'll still
be living here, right?

Mm, no.

Brick, I'm...
gonna be living at college.

That's kinda how it works.

- What did you think was gonna happen?
- I don't know.

I guess I thought
it'd just stay like this

and then eventually you'd
move into mom and dad's room.

I just can't believe
you're really leaving.

Bro, don't worry.

I'll be home at Christmas
to pick up my presents.

And you can come visit me
if you want.

Might even need you to do
some of my homework.

I'm really gonna miss you, Axl.

I know, Brick.

Everyone will.

Sounds like Sue and the girls
are having fun out there.

What's the point if I can't
post any of it on Facebook?

Okay.

Repeat that again slowly
so I know

just what to tell the doctors

when I have you committed.

Seriously?
You wanna know the point?

The point is, they're
all having a great time.

But no one will know.

Who cares? They know.

What is going on with you
lately, Frankie?

I don't know.

It's just that Sue's
such an amazing person.

I want everyone to see
how amazing she is.

She is the same person
she was two weeks ago

before you started
poking around on her Facebook.

Now you're all caught up
in who's looking at her page

and who's commenting,
and none of it's real.

None of it means anything.

You're letting other people
define who Sue is to you.

Maybe I can't handle Facebook.

"Maybe"?

Look, Frankie,
Sue is gonna be fine.

No, she's gonna be great.

You're right, you're right.

Oh. If you had a "Like" button,
I would click it right now.

Don't know what that means.

So that night, I deleted
all my Facebook aliases.

And Sue was sadly unfriended
by Jill Munroe,

Sabrina Duncan,
Julie McCoy, and Chrissy Snow.

But on the upside,
she did get 102 likes

on one of her pictures--

not that it matters.

And Axl and Brick found homes
for the entire cast,

but with one rule--

They're brothers, so we'd like
to keep them together.

Yep, social media
causes a lot of problems,

but in the end,
it does have its uses.

Hey, it's Sunday. I thought
you'd be with my dad.

Nope. I found him some
new friends to talk to.

49 of them, to be exact.

I said it to Dukakis
when I met him,

and I'm gonna say it you--
don't avoid swimming

just 'cause you're afraid
to put on a bathing suit.

And if you're gonna go
to a public pool,

for God sake, shower shoes.

Without your feet,
you got nothing.

Your feet are the hands
of your legs.

- You also got to...
- I like this, Frankie. I like it a lot.

Wait an hour after you eat
before you go in swimming.

But I say if it's not
the internet,

it's the real thing.

Sync and corrections by n17t01