The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Bachelor - full transcript

Out here in the Middle,

one thing you can count on
is after a long, cold winter,

spring arrives with
all its hope and possibilities.

And this spring,
everything was coming up Sue.

Hey, Sue.
How'd the driver's test go?

Oh, I failed again.

But the examiner
only had to scream

and hit the brakes twice,
so I think I'm getting better.

Well, I got you this
beach-scented air freshener

at the car wash
for when you passed,

but it's sort of
losing its scent.



So I'll just
give it to you for luck.

Aw!

Oh, I love the beach.
Thanks.

'Kay. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye!

Bye.

Let's go, ladies!
Bus is leaving.

Oh, excuse me!
Did somebody forget this?

Let's go! Do you want to be
on the tennis team or not?

Yes!

Axl, on the other hand,

was in the middle
of a long cold snap.

'Sup?

Uh, I don't know, Axl.



I've been calling you
and texting you

for the past two days,
and you haven't responded.

So when you ask me
what's "'sup,"

I'm not sure I know
how to answer that question.

My friends usually
just say "'sup" back.

Well, I'm super happy
for your friends.

But my boyfriend
usually answers my phone calls.

Maybe I've been
avoiding your calls

'cause I thought you were busy
with somebody else.

What do you mean?

What I mean is,

I went by your house
the other day...

saw you holding hands
with your old boyfriend.

I was walking to the car,

and Cliff
grabbed my hand, but--

Ha! Busted.

But... I was mortified,
and when I got in the car,

I told him
that was so not okay,

because I have a boyfriend.

Well, seems like
Cliff's your boyfriend now,

so why don't you two
just buy a hippie van

and go spend the rest of
your lives living on a commune

delivering vegetables
in a box to people?

Look, I asked you
about a hundred times

if him being here
made you uncomfortable,

and you kept saying
you were cool with it.

"I'm cool. It's cool.
It's cool.

We're cool. Uhh!"

Well, if you had
to keep asking me,

maybe you could have
figured out

- I wasn't cool with it.
- That's not fair.

If you have a problem,
you need to talk to me

instead of being so immature.

You know, forget it.

I don't even know what to say.

By the way,

I love having a girlfriend!
It's so much fun!

All right, just a heads-up--

finale of "The Bachelor"
is on tomorrow night.

So if you want dinner,

you're gonna have to drive
and get it yourself.

Okay.

Hey, if you wanna take me
on a romantic helicopter ride

over a volcano in Hawaii,
be my guest.

Until then, this is my escape.

I thought The Oscars
were your escape.

I have a lot
to escape from, okay?

Hey, Brick, listen--

Yeah, I know. "The Bachelor."

Yep, everybody knew that
when "The Bachelor" was on,

I was 100% focused.

I got a D on my geography test.

Teacher says
you have to sign it.

Good job.

Can I stay out
past my curfew tonight?

Darrin and I are gonna
go make out in his car.

Have fun.

Lost another library book.

They said we need to pay
full price to replace it.

Hmm.

Whoo! What a game.

I mean match. I learned
that one halfway through.

I have to replace
my electrolytes.

You are looking
at the newest member

of the Orson High tennis team.

You made the tennis team?

Well, I didn't "make it,"
per se.

The coach thought
I was on the team.

I tried to tell him
that I wasn't,

but then he realized that
he didn't have enough players,

so without me,
they would have lost the match.

So you won?

Oh, God, no.
On the last point,

I hit what my coach called
a "very weak lob,"

and my opponent hit
what he called

a "blistering overhead smash."

Is that how you hurt your face?

No. A bird flew in
the bus window on the way home.

I never saw it coming.

Beaks are sharp.

So the next match
is against Terre Haute,

and my coach said he really
wants me to,

- uh, what's the word?
- Quit?

Drill. So, dad, I was hoping
you could go out

and do some drills with me.

- Mm.
- Please?

You're the only person
who could help me get better.

I don't know, Sue.

Every time I try
to teach you a sport,

I yell, you cry.
It's a whole thing.

What your dad is trying to say

is that he would love
to help you.

Oh, yes! Thank you,
thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Oh, and, mom, I'm gonna need
to pay for this uniform,

so I'm gonna need
a check for...

You know what? I'll ask you
during "The Bachelor."

Okay. Let's practice
your hand-eye coordination.

I want you to practice
bouncing the ball

up and down
on your racquet like this.

- Okay? Give it a shot.
- Mm-hmm.

How long should
I do this for, dad?

Till I finish
the sports section.

Okay. Let's work
on your forehand.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

- Whoa!
- Uhh!

Keep your eye on the ball.

And, uh, try saying,
"bounce, hit."

Bounce, hit.

Wow. Where was that when I was
trying to teach you softball?

Bounce, hit.

Attagirl.

Bounce, hit.

Wow!

Sue, I gotta say, you are
not totally horrible at this.

Wha... oh, dad, stop.

You're embarrassing me.

I'm telling you, Frankie,
she kept her eye on the ball.

- She moved her feet. She had some power.
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh!

Chip clip, people!
Not that hard!

She was really good.

I mean, all in the realm
of Sue,

but she's not a disaster.

Oh, that's great.

Are you even listening to me?

You remember Sue, right?

The one who threw a baseball
into her own eye?

I'm sorry, Mike.

This is a big night for me.

Blake is choosing
between Alissa and Kendall.

Are you sure you don't
wanna watch with me?

I've never been so sure
of anything in my life.

Suit yourself.

Tonight,

on the dramatic season finale
of "The Bachelor,"

who will Blake choose--
Kendall or Alissa?

Alissa, baby!
She's got this.

Oh, my God,
look at her evening gown.

So tasteful.

There will be tears and drama.

Whoo-hoo!
In yo' face, Kendall!

Whoo! If grandma doesn't
like you, you got no chance.

And then came the moment

I'd been waiting for
all season.

Kendall...

Suck it. You're gone.

Will you marry me?

What? No!

It's Alissa!

Alissa, you dummy, not Kendall!

Are you blind? Can't you see
you picked the wrong girl?!

Blake, congratulations.

Three and a half
months of buildup,

and it was over.

I was crushed.
Blake was lost forever,

and Alissa had no chance of
winning him back.

Maybe Axl would have
better luck

trying to win his girl back.

♪ Cassidy ♪

♪ you light up my existence ♪

♪ there's no need
for resistance ♪

♪ going forward, just assistance ♪

♪ it's my insistence ♪

♪ Cassidy ♪

♪ oh, my God ♪

♪ oh, my God ♪

Wait, no! No.
Oh, crap.

Aah!

Aah!

Crazy night last night, huh?

By the way,
your dad is one speedy dude.

Never seen a guy
jump over a fence

in crocs and a bathrobe before,
but...

Is he still pissed?

Actually,
we're both still pissed.

What?
Why are you... pissed?

I don't understand you, Axl.
You're jealous of Cliff,

so you pout and ignore me
for three days.

Then you throw rocks,
sing songs, and light fires.

How is that supposed
to solve our problems?

Maybe if you heard
the whole song...

We keep running
into the same issue, Axl--

you gotta think
a little bit more

before you do stuff.

I'm sorry, but when
I'm into someone,

I don't think with my head,
I just go with my instincts.

Well, your instincts
almost burned my house down.

Why can't you just talk?

Why can't you
just stop talking?

Sorry, Axl, I use words.

And I need to be with someone
who can do that, too.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't realize
when we started dating,

I had signed a contract saying
I had to be exactly like you.

And you know what?

I came up with
an awesome rhyme for "Cassidy,"

but now you're not
gonna hear it.

Was it "rhapsody"?

No.

Okay, Sue, here we go.

Ohh. Great serve!
Really nice!

15-love.

30-love.

Oh, that one was even better
than the last one.

Okay, Sue, come on,
shake it off.

Remember, bounce, hit.

Out!

No, I'm pretty sure
that was in, dad.

Uh, no, Sue,
I'm pretty sure it was out.

Well, maybe too close to call.

Okay, it's yours!

40-love.

Ugh.

You're still in bed?

Yeah, I'm having a little
trouble gettin' it going today.

It's 4:30. I'd say you're
havin' a lot of trouble.

I just can't believe
he picked Kendall.

Are you kiddin' me?

No. No. Listen to me--

it was all lined up
for him and Alissa.

They both shared
a passion for sailing.

They both loved
the elliptical machine.

And, yeah, you can say there's
no accounting for chemistry.

But it's not a chemistry thing.
Trust me, there was chemistry.

Ugh. I'm starting to think
I don't know Blake at all.

That's because you don't.

Ugh. I'm not talking to you
about this anymore.

Promise?

So how was the game?
Sue do okay?

Uh... she did not.

She didn't win a single point.

Oh, crap. Is she upset?

She's never been happier.

Said it was the best day
of her life.

Oh, well, that's good.
I'm glad she's happy.

You should have
seen her out there.

She spent the whole match

telling her opponent
how great she was.

Well, that's nice.

No, it's not.
Frankie, sports is like life.

If she's a pushover
on the court,

she'll be a pushover in life.

Or if she's nice on the court,
she'll be nice in life.

The important thing is
she had fun.

Fun?
The world is full of people

warming themselves around
trash can fires who had fun.

I'm not messing around here.
Sue's got some real promise.

If we're gonna
take this thing seriously,

we really gotta
start riding her.

She got on a bus by accident.

How seriously should we be
taking this?

She's so frustrating.

When I took her out
on that tennis court,

she showed some real potential.

Oh, God.

What?

It's just when Blake and Alissa
had their tennis date...

there was
such an ease between them.

I don't know.

Maybe it was all
for the cameras.

Hey.

'Sup?

- 'Sup?
- 'Sup?

Is Sue here?

I told you never
to say her name around me.

Axl, is there a difference
between a chat room

and a message board?

Yeah. One's for losers,
and one's for total losers.

Actually, Mrs. Heck,

a chat room is like
a conversation with a person,

like we're having right now,

and a message board
is just a place

for you to post your thoughts.

Thank you, Sean.

And would you mind staying
and being my son?

Dude, what's up
with the chick food?

What? Me and Cassidy used to get
together on Wednesday nights

to make these big salads,
but screw it.

I don't need her
to make a salad.

She's not the president
of salad.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna Instagram this

so she can see me
makin' a salad.

Do you guys know how to make

that frowny face thing
on the computer?

I'm on the "Bachelor" fan site,

and lovestv73 thinks Blake
made the right move

in picking Kendall.

A frowny face is just
a colon and a backwards--

Would you stop helping her?

So you and Cassidy are done?

What's going on?
Caxl's breaking up?

I don't know.

But I'm a man,

so I'm not gonna go
crawling back and ask her.

Who wants candied pecans?

You know, sometimes when
Sue and I are having a fight,

I just reach out
and gently touch--

I swear to God, Darrin.

You guys want fresh croutons?

- Dude, seriously?
- Hells, yeah!

Give me some day-old bread.
I'll make 'em right now.

Aw, come on.
That's a load of crap!

Guys, let's say you took
two girls on a horseback ride,

and one you totally
connected with

and had an amazing time,

and she looked great
in cowboy boots and a sundress,

and the other one
was all wussy about it

and kept pretending
she needed help

and was closing her eyes
and giggling like an idiot.

Which one
would you want to marry?

I only have eyes for Sue.

You have one more, Darrin.
One more.

Oh.

Looking good, Sue!

Ready for Lawrenceville
on Friday?

Oh, are you kidding?
I can't wait.

They have such a pretty campus.

Yeah, I'm sure they do.

But, uh, listen, Sue,
I wanted to talk to you.

Um, you were awful nice
out there the other day,

complimenting the other team.

Thanks, dad.

Well, let me finish.

See, sports isn't
about being nice.

Sports is about
being competitive.

It's about wanting
to beat the other person.

Oh. I think I remember my coach
saying something about that.

Okay. So if you
really wanna win,

you gotta dig down deep.

You gotta get in touch
with that anger.

What anger?

The anger that's inside you.

I don't have
any anger inside me.

Dad,

do you have anger inside you?

A little bit.

Okay, okay.

When you're being
a wrestlerette,

and you're cheering
for the wrestlers,

you want them to win,
or do you want them to lose?

I want them to win!

Okay. So when you're out
on the tennis court,

think of yourself
as your own cheerleader.

Oh. I like that.

Okay. So if you're
your own cheerleader,

do you want yourself to win,
or you want yourself to lose?

I want myself to win.

So who you gonna root for?

- Sue!
- Go, Sue!

- Go, Sue!
- Go, Sue!

- Go, Sue!
- Sue!

Sue! Sue! Sue! Sue!

Hit that ball!

Nice!

Aah!

Really?

I know. I know.

I am being ridiculous.

It's a stupid TV show,
but I just can't shake it.

I mean, I was actually
doing okay. I really was.

And then "People" magazine

came out with
all their honeymoon plans.

He's taking Kendall
to Aruba, Mike.

Aruba!

20 years, and I've
never once slapped you,

but... God help me.

Well, don't judge me!

At least I'm not afraid
of my emotions, you coward!

Let me show you
how this is done.

Okay, Axl, you're next.

Ooh, you do not wanna go up
against the Ax-Man, all right?

They're gonna have to rush you
to the thumb emergency room.

I can totally beat you.
I have freakishly strong thumbs.

- Hmm.
- Tell him, Deb.

She does.
They're freakishly strong.

What's the matter?
You scared?

Is he scared, Court?

- I'm pretty sure he's scared.
- We're pretty sure you're scared.

Okay. Let's do this!

- Go, Ax-Man.
- Whoo!

One, two, three, four!

We declare a thumb war!

Tickle torture!

Aah! Come on!

- Oh! Aah!
- Oh!

Okay.

Remember now--
be tough. Be strong.

Root for Sue!

Got it.

I really like her tennis skirt.

Is it okay if I tell her
before we start?

No. Now come on.

Sue. Sue. Sue.

Sue. Sue. Sue.

Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue.
Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue.

- Okay.
- Okay, Sue, here we go!

15-love.

Wow! That was...

Mnh-mnh.

30-love.

I'm sorry.
I just have to say something.

You are so good.
You are amazing.

That shot was amazing.

And not just that shot,
all of the shots.

You must have practiced so hard
to get this good,

and I am so sorry
I didn't say something earlier.

Fault.

Ooh. Really nice try.

I-I think last time, you may
have tossed it a little higher.

Double fault.

30-15.

Yeah, I think you tossed
the ball

a little too high that time.

Don't worry.
You'll do better next time.

Fault.

- Shake it off. You got this.
- Shut up.

Turns out Sue's niceness
was her greatest weapon.

And as the match went on,

she unleashed
a barrage of sweetness

on her opponent.

Awesome try.

Game.

Ooh!

Just missed.

Great form, though.

Good girl, Sue. Keep hittin' her
with the compliments.

Don't let up.

Game.

You are almost there.

Next time, I swear!

All right.
Looking good. Looking good.

Cute headband, by the way.

Shut up! Just shut up!

- Aah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Unsportsmanlike conduct.

Lawrenceville forfeits
the match.

And then three words
were spoken

that have never
been said before...

Sue Heck wins!

- That's my girl!
- Aah!

You did it!

Aah! I did it!

So after six days,

it was finally time
to move on...

to booze.

What are you doing up?

Sometimes I get up
in the middle of the night

to eat Axl's leftover salad.

Have you tasted it?
He really has a gift.

Mm.

How come you're up?

It's "The Bachelor," Brick.

I don't know why
I can't get over it.

Even Alissa has moved on.

She's dating a Tennessee Titan,
and she's back teaching Zumba.

Well, she always
has been resilient.

Who?

Alissa.

Remember the sixth episode

when they went fly fishing
in Montana?

She was so embarrassed
because she was the only one

who couldn't figure out
how to bait her hook.

But she stuck to it,

and she ended up catching
that speckled trout.

How do you know all this?

Of course I was mad.

Blake was doing jell-o shots
off Kendall's stomach.

Jell-o shots.

If you really
think about it, mom,

it's actually a good thing
that Blake didn't pick Alissa.

Why?

Remember when she was
crying at the spa?

She told her facialist

that the one thing she wanted
more than anything was kids.

And Blake made it very clear
in the hot tub

that he didn't want kids.

So... better he broke
her heart now

than really breaking
her heart down the road

when she wanted a family
and he didn't.

And just like that,

the weight of the world
was lifted off me.

You know, Brick, you're right.

I never thought about it
like that.

For me, it was over
when he booted Jessica.

But then I got online

and saw her meltdown
in the confessional,

and she is a whackadoodle.

- Totally.
- Absolutely.

- Yeah.
- But my favorite episode has to be

the one where
they all go scuba diving.

- I love that one.
- But Kendall thinks that it's snorkeling.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That night, I had
the best sleep I had in a long time.

Turns out all I needed
was someone who understood me.

I just never imagined
that person would be Brick.

But he was right.

It's like Alissa said
at the moonlight clambake--

love is like a river.

It will cut a new path whenever it
meets an obstacle.

You were right.
When you're in love,

you don't
always think with your head.

When I saw you
with that cheerleader,

I wanted to rip
her stupid eyebrows off.

Really?

That's... pretty immature
on your part,

but still cool.

Actually, I've got
a lot of things I could say,

like "sorry"
and "I'm an idiot,"

and your Instagram really
made me miss your salad...

but I'm not gonna stand here
and make you talk about it.

That's even cooler.

But I am gonna do this...

♪ when I see your face ♪

♪ there's not a thing
that I would change ♪

♪ 'cause you're amazing ♪

♪ just... ♪

You know, if you
kiss me right now,

I wouldn't have to
keep singing.

♪ When I see your face ♪

♪ there's not a thing
that I would change ♪

♪ 'cause you're amazing ♪

♪ just the way you are ♪

♪ yeah ♪