The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 12 - One Kid at a Time - full transcript

Since the dawn of time, trying to
get anywhere with your kids

has been a challenge.

Oh, my God.

Why are you so late? I've been
standing out there forever.

Look. I got a snotsicle.

Put your coat on, you moron.

Ugh.

Brick couldn't find his book.

And you can't go
to dinner like that.

I'm gonna change.
Relax.

Don't tell your mom to relax.



Brick wants to go
to Don's Oriental Food.

Ugh! No way. No foreign food.
I want spaghetti.

Hey, you just passed
the library again.

Where are we going now?

You said we'd go
after we picked up Axl.

We will,
but after we pick up Sue.

Oh, what? Can't we just
pick her up after dinner?

I'm starving!

Look, this is just
what we're doing, okay?

Sue, get in.

Aren't you guys gonna come in
and see the display?

We got half the diabetes case.

- Oh, sure.
- No!

- Absolutely not.
- Fine. We'll go eat first



and then come back and see it.

Your brothers are hungry.

What? No. But--

Look, this is just
what we're doing, okay?

We're going for spaghetti.

You said we could go
to Don's Oriental Food.

No. No way.

Last time we didn't get to go
where I wanted to go,

so I get to choose this time.

I want Rib Time America.

I like ribs.

- No!
- No.

This is not fair.
I was promised.

I ate hoagies against my will,

and you promised next time
I'd get to pick, remember?

Okay, where am I going?

- Spaghetti!
- Rib Time America.

The library.

You should not even be allowed
to pick a restaurant.

You are a terrible
restaurant picker.

I am not!

Colonial Diner.

That was one time!

I need a decision here.

I don't understand why
we're not going to the library.

And what is your problem
with Rib Time America, Axl?

You totally like those fries.

Aah! Axl, gross!

- Axl.
- Axl.

Oh, relax.

I smell better
than all you put together.

- Let's pick a place, people.
- I am starving!

Hey, you just passed
the library again.

We're not going
to the library right now.

You were never gonna
take me, were you?

Admit it! That's just what
you say to get me in the car!

Okay, what are we doing?

I got Don's to the left,
I got Ribs to the right.

Left or right?
Left or right?

- Right. Right. Right.
- I want to go to the library!

- Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti!
- Dad, please go to Ribs of America!

- Spaghetti!
- I never get to do what I want!

Please! You know--

So this is what we did.

All right.
You guys have school tomorrow.

Why don't you get to bed?

We're not tired.

Well, we are.

Oh, I call the bathroom!

No fair!
You got it first last night!

Oh, you don't know
what's coming for you!

Well, that was fun.
We should do that again.

Ugh. All that fighting.

It's just impossible to do
anything with these people.

Wouldn't it be so much easier
if we only had one kid, hmm?

Or none.

No, seriously.
Think about it--

how great would that be?
It-- it would be like

"The Courtship
of Eddie's Father."

Remember that show?

They would just take these
long walks down the beach,

just the two of them,
and talk and connect.

What are we doing?

We're referees--
sheepherding referees.

We should get whistles.

I mean, imagine
if it was just Axl today.

We would have
gotten there early,

seen a little of his practice.

I've been wanting
to watch practice.

Yeah. And we would have
had the time.

Could have talked strategy
over spaghetti,

gone over some plays.

Right?
And if it was just Sue,

we would have seen
her display case,

taken her out for ribs,
caught up on her life.

I like ribs.

Brick could have gone
to the library

and Don's Oriental Food.

He gets really chatty
when he eats Chinese.

I think it's the MSG.

And what's with Axl
and that rib place, huh?

He was just being a jerk.

He totally likes
the fries there.

So we're agreed--
we'll give two back.

Which one you wanna keep?

Look, it is what it is.

We'll never get 'em one on one.

Wait.

Why can't we?

So listen, your dad
and I were thinking...

- I am not cleaning the garage!
- You always do this.

Weekends are our time to relax!

This is something
that will benefit you.

Instead of everyone running
around with everyone else

and being miserable

and having to do things
they don't want to do...

Like this?

You each get to spend
a day with us alone.

Each kid gets me
and your dad's full attention

for one day.

Pass.

Really?
A whole day?

It's your day. We can spend it
in whatever way you choose.

Oh, my God. One day
is not gonna be enough.

You can have my day.

No one's taking anybody's day.

Okay, let's see.
I want an outside activity.

I want an inside activity.

I want an activity
we've never done together.

I want an activity
that involves jumping.

I want a mystery activity.
I want some reflection time.

Oof.
Are you sure I can't dip

into just a little bit
of Axl's day?

I wanna go to the library. I'm
gonna show you the microfiche,

and I wanna go through
the periodicals without rushing.

Can I invite a friend
so I have someone to talk to?

Nope. Now go.

Okay. I'm gonna start
making my list.

How 'bout a different plan?

You and me take off
in the middle of the night

and just drive.

Axl.

Come on, Axl.

You're sleeping your day away.

We've tried to wake you up
twice already.

Take a hint.

It's noon.
If we're gonna do anything,

we gotta get this thing movin'.

I already told you
I don't wanna go.

I was an only child
for two years. I'm good.

Whoa.

Come on.
It's gonna be great.

Just the three of us.
No siblings.

It's all about you.
What do you wanna do?

Well, I got one idea,

but you're not
gonna wanna do it.

Welcome
to Paintball Zone! Game on!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Ho-ho!
- Got 'em.

This is awesome.
Oh, I wanna join the army.

Yeah, 'cause this is what war is like.

The blue team
has been eliminated.

Yes.

Oh. Hey. I've been looking
for you guys everywhere.

We got the blue team, right?

- Yeah.
- I was this close to getting one,

- and then I tripped and shot myself.
- Oh.

Hey, listen, I've been
doing some reconnaissance.

The orange team is taking cover
behind that jeep over there.

We gotta flush 'em out.

I'm thinking one of us
lays down some suppressive fire,

and the other two flank 'em

by going over
that ridge over there.

The only problem is, it leaves
all three of us vulnerable.

Ooh. Hey. I know.

What about this instead?

Mom, you see
that white pillar over there?

You run to that
and draw their attention.

That way we can
attack from here.

I don't know.
That looks awfully far away.

Won't I be exposed?

You'll be okay.
Just run in a zigzag pattern.

- Really?
- Well, if you yell, "don't shoot"

over and over,
nobody'll shoot you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Uh...
all right.

Here I go.

All right.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Ow! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

Aah! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!

Ow, ow, ow!

Aah! Oof!

Yeah!

- Got 'em!
- Whoo!

And we only lost mom.

Hey. There you are.

Have you seen Axl?

We had a whole plan worked out
to ambush the green team,

and I've been circling
the perimeter for 20 minutes.

I can't find him anywhere.

All this strategy is boring.

I thought we would have time

to sit and talk with Axl
about his hopes and dreams.

And instead I've just
been running around

being target practice.

Hey, our teenage son
is having a good time

with us, his parents.

You know how rare that is?

That's like finding oil
in your backyard.

You know,
I must really like you

if I'm making out
with you in this.

What?
You don't think this is hot?

You look so stupid.

You look so stupid.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ooh.

What are you doing?

What? I don't know.
Nothing.

I'm sorry.
Axl's in trouble here.

Okay. Sorry.

Dude.

Bro code.

What's the matter with you?

You know, your mom was really
looking forward to this.

She doesn't get to spend
a lot of time with you,

and you're going
off to college next year.

She was actually
having fun today,

being with you,
and she thought you were, too.

You're not gonna be
in our house that much longer.

You can't give us
a couple hours of your time?

You gotta go
pick up some random girl?

Let's go. We're leaving.

Look, I'm sorry I ran off,

but she's not
just some random girl.

She's my girlfriend, 'kay?

You have a girlfriend?

We've been dating
for, like, a month,

but we haven't
told anybody yet.

So you like her?

I really like her.

I don't know what it is,

but I just wanna spend
every day with her, you know?

Just wanna be with her
all the time.

You ever feel like that
about anybody?

Yeah. My old cat
at the quarry.

And your mom, of course.

So, a girlfriend, huh?

Yeah.

Well, good.

Good. She seemed nice.

Glad you told me.
Come on. We should be goin'.

There you are.
Where have you been?

Oh, hey, um, wait.

Can we, like,
not tell mom about this?

'Cause she's gonna ask
a million questions

and be super annoying.

I gotta tell her.

I'll give you
a few seconds head start.

Okay. Hey.

What? Who is she?
When did he meet her?

What's her name?
How long has he been seeing her?

I can't believe...

Kid one-- done.
Check and check.

Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up, wake up!

It's my day.
It's my special day!

Whoo-hoo!

It's still dark outside.

What time is it?

It's 4:45.

We just have so much to do

that if we don't
get started now,

we're never gonna
fit it all in.

Come back in a couple of hours.

I can't. "Watch the sun rise"
is on my list.

See?

Uh...

Oh...

so pretty.

All right. Let's go.

We're petting puppies
at the shelter.

Well, be careful
what you wish for,

'cause when Sue got a special
day, she wasn't kidding.

We went to the doughnut place,
we painted mugs,

we looked for animal shapes
in the clouds,

went to the butter museum.

By the time we got
to the arcade, Mike was pooped.

But I was determined
to keep my energy up.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, mom, you're really good.

You could have been on
the dance team in high school.

Nah, I'm not that coordinated.

Hey, why isn't dad playing?

Uh, he's just tired.

Was he like this yesterday
with Axl, too?

Yeah. Yep, he was.

Mike, come on. Get over here.
You gotta do this.

I'm good.

Daddy, special day.

Now.

Now.

Dad, you're doing great.

Now.

Now.

Oh, my God.

Don's Oriental Food is so good.

I see why Brick
likes it so much.

Yep, that was a great day.

Well, I'm beat.
What do you say we head home?

No, no, no,
no, no. Wait.

You promised we would get to see
your old prom dresses.

Aw, sweetie, no, those are
all packed away somewhere

over at Aunt Edie's.

You always promise,
but we never do it.

And this is supposed to be
my special day.

That's the thing
about special--

if you overload on special,

it's not as special anymore.

Axl and Brick never wanna go.

If I don't go today,
I'll never get to go.

And then one day, when I have
a daughter of my own,

and she asks me
what I know about my mom

from when she was young,

I'll just have to say
"I don't know,"

because even though
it was my special day,

my mom didn't think
it was important enough to--

Here they are.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

This is from sophomore year.

Went to prom
with Billy Petchell.

He drove a yellow Pacer.
Mm-hmm.

OMG.

I know, right?

It's so pretty.

Look at those sleeves.
It's so glamorous.

You should wear this.

You could wear this
to cocktail parties.

Oh... yeah.

Oh.

Wow!

This is from my junior prom.
That was a crazy night.

I drank so much...

punch... yeah.

We got really... excited.

Sounds amazing.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

This was my senior prom.

Oh, my God.

This one's my favorite.
Can I try this on?

Go for it.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen

and pour myself
a big glass of excitement.

- You want anything?
- Yeah.

I want my excitement
on the rocks.

Oh.

Oh!

You look beautiful.

I know.

Wouldn't this look pretty
with some purple wedges?

Uh-huh.

There's a lot of shoes
that would look good.

Ooh. What's all this?

Oh, I don't know. There's all
kinds of stuff in here.

- Ah! Look.
- Your yearbook.

Let's look through it.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's okay.
We don't have to--

Uh-oh. Are there
some bad pictures in here?

Come on!

Ooh. Here you are,

chillin' on the lawn
with your friends.

Here's one of you
on the football field...

in a cheerleading uniform.

You were a cheerleader?

Was I?

Oh, it was so long ago.
Who remembers?

You were a cheerleader.

Well... I guess I was,

but only my senior year,

just because they needed
somebody small

for the top of the pyramid.

So you were coordinated.

Why wouldn't you tell me
you were a cheerleader?

I don't know.
I mean, who cares?

Look at me now. It's not like
it translated into anything.

Oh, my God.

You were on prom court?

I can't believe you didn't
tell me any of this.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

Is it because
you think I'm not that?

No, Sue. I just...

I don't know.

I didn't want you to feel like
you had to live up

to something I did.

I wanted you
to live your own life

and not have this idea
that you had to be like me.

And honestly,
I know at your age

all this stuff may seem
important, but it's not.

It's like this dress.

It was such a big deal
when I got it,

and now look.

It's hanging in the back
of Aunt Edie's closet,

collecting dust.

You know what?
I think I would like to move

my 10:00 PM reflection time
to now.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. Well,
I thought about it,

and...
I just realized something.

If you were a cheerleader,

that means I have
cheerleader DNA in me.

I mean, you did all this
when you were a senior.

I've got two years left.

I was this close
to giving up on that dream.

But there is no way now.

I am going for it all.

I am never gonna stop
trying out!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Kid two-- done and done.

Wow. This weekend
was exhausting.

Yeah.
Thank God that's over.

Least we got through it.

- Oh, crap.
- It's 10:00 AM.

I didn't know whether
I should wake you up.

I already made myself breakfast

and did my push-up.

Today is my day, right?

It is, Brick.

Sorry, we're just beat.
It's been a long weekend.

I decided I don't
wanna go to the library.

- Oh, good.
- Oh.

I mean, we don't have to go
anywhere to have a special day.

We can just watch TV all day.

You always let me watch TV.

Yes, but we'll let you
watch it in bed with us.

No, I still wanna go somewhere.

While I was waiting
for you guys to wake up,

I read in the newspaper

that there's
a "Planet Nowhere" convention

in Indianapolis today.

Oh, come on, Brick, no.

It's a long drive
to Indianapolis.

Perfect. It'll give me
plenty of time

to fill you in on the series.

See, what a lot
of people don't know

about the "Planet Nowhere"
series

is that it's an allegory.

Now, all the tribes...

And so, ironically,
for the Vernegos

to ultimately
triumph over the Silligans,

they must first
abandon their planet entirely

and wander the galaxy
for-- you guessed it--

11 centuries.

Ugh.

Yesterday's Don's Oriental Food

is still not sitting so well.

Don's? I wanted
to go there today.

Yeah, there's no way
we're going there today.

Oh. Well, then,
I want to go to...

- Juanita's Cocina.
- Oh, no.

We gotta give the Chinese
a chance to clear out

before we let
any other countries in.

Sorry.

Aw, I knew it.
Construction.

Always there. They're never
gonna get this done.

You know, Brick,

there might be other
fun things we could do today.

It-- it would be a shame

to spend your special day
stuck in traffic.

Well, I don't mind.

Yeah, but we don't even
have tickets.

I checked.

There are plenty of tickets
available at the door.

You know, they're probably
just gonna try

to sell you a bunch of stuff.

And by the time we get there,
it's gonna be so crowded.

Sounds like you guys
don't wanna go.

What? No, no.

We want to do
whatever you want to do.

We're just...

scared that it won't live up
to your expectations.

You went to 17 places with Sue.

Did she tell you that?

Because you're not supposed to
talk about each other's days.

Oh, no.

See those flakes?
Here it comes.

First big storm of the winter.

Oh. Well, that's it.

We're gonna have to
turn around.

But I'm-- I'm sure we can find
something much more fun.

Well, those look sharp.

Is this my day?
Trying on shoes?

Hey, you're always complaining
that I just bring you back shoes

from the discount bin
when I'm shopping for Axl.

We're not even here for me.

This isn't my day.
We're running errands.

Ooh. Look.

Wanna play
with the size-y thing?

You've never done that.

I sort of like these boots.

What do you think, Frankie?
For work?

You see? Even my special day
isn't even for me.

This is nothing
at all that I wanted. Nothing.

That's it.
I'm gettin' the boots.

Look, Brick, I'm just tired.

I've got acid reflux.
I'm burping fire right now.

Why don't we just
float your special day

until we can
make it really special?

You won't. I know you won't.

- Brick--
- No.

You do things
for everybody else.

And by the time you get
around to me, you don't care.

You don't have anything left.

You don't even have
the energy to yell at me.

You want us to yell at you?

Yeah, sometimes!

You yell at Axl and Sue.

Once in a while
it'd be nice to know

that you care enough
to yell at me, too.

Look at this.

I'm making a whole scene
in the shoe store, and nothing!

Brick, look,

I know it's tough
being the third child...

but I want you to know

that we don't
take you for granted.

And we love you, and...

Mike, help me out here.

I wonder
if these come in brown.

Forget it. Let's just go.

Yep, we both had to admit,
Brick's special day was a bust.

We'd have to find a way
to make it up to him later.

Hey. What do you think
you're doing?

- What?
- Pick that up.

I'll get it later.

Hey, don't talk back
to your father.

I wasn't talking back.
I was--

And don't talk back to me.

You know, you are developing
a real attitude problem,

and it's gonna stop.

- But I--
- No "buts," Brick.

We are sick of this.

Now you better
start behaving yourself,

or there's gonna be
a price to pay.

In fact, get outta here.

This conversation is over.
Go to your room.

And stay there

until you've thought about
what you've done!

So was
our experiment successful?

I don't know.

We did learn
something about Axl,

sue learned something about me,

and I learned
that I was buying shoes

three sizes too small
for Brick.

I wanna watch that!

Too bad, Brick!
Get your own remote!

I mean, sure we have chaos,
but chaos works for us.

We are done, right?

There isn't a fourth
kid we forgot about, is there?

We'll find out in the morning.