The Middle (2009–2018): Season 4, Episode 11 - Life Skills - full transcript

High school
is chock full of land mines.

But Axl had made it through
his four years

pretty much unscathed...

until the first day
of the last semester

of his senior year.

- Foster.
- Here.

Randall?

Here.

- Heck.
- Here.

- Heck.
- Still here.

Uh, no, it says I have
two Hecks in this class.



Well, that must be a typo,

'cause there's no other Heck...

except...

Sorry I'm late.

Axl!

I didn't know we were
in the same class.

Oh, my God.

This is my brother.

And another thing--

why are you always raising your hand...

and asking questions
like a dork?

Stare at the clock,

and wait for the bell to ring
like a normal person.

Excuse me
if I like to participate.



What's going on?

So I was sitting
in my life skills class,

minding my own business,

when hurricane Sue rolls in,

blowing geek
and raining nerd everywhere!

What are you even doing
in that class?

It's for freshmen
and sophomores only,

not loser seniors who missed it

'cause they were
taking math two times.

Ha! It was English I took twice.
Who's the idiot now?

Make her drop out.
It's not just me.

There's 30 innocent lives
in there she's ruining.

Okay, clearly, you two shouldn't
be in the same room... ever.

Can't one of you switch
to a different period

or school or something?

Look, I'd say
try getting along,

but I'd never
keep a straight face.

Why don't you pretend
you don't know each other?

That was my plan, too,
but Sue kept talking to me.

You pushed my desk
into the hallway!

You left me no choice!

Enough. The whole reason
we send you to school

is so we don't have to
deal with you

for seven hours a day.
Now go do your homework.

I don't have any.

Yes, we do.

See?! That's exactly
what I'm talking about!

Look, like it or not,
life is full of stuff,

and you just have to
roll with it.

What was that
we're supposed to do again?

When the stuff happens?

Meanwhile,
Axl wasn't the only one

with an unwanted guest
in his class.

Have you been spying on me?

Whoa. Whoa.

Stop the interrogation.

I'll spill.
Here, have-- have a seat.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Fulton,
the school therapist.

Your social skills teacher

gave me the heads up
about this guy named Brick.

Look, if this is gonna
turn into a whole thing,

I'm gonna need cookies.
The nurse gives you cookies.

Can I be straight
with you, Brick?

You don't seem to have
many friends.

And I get that.

You know, I didn't have
a girlfriend until I was 30.

But this is no time
to bring up Shelly.

- Let me cut to the chase.
- Please.

In all my observing,
I don't think I once saw you

having a conversation
with another student.

Well, I don't know.

I'm pretty sure I said,
"take one and pass it back."

You know, making a connection

is not as tough
as you might think.

Have you watched
the kids in the hall?

They have this whole unspoken
language of communication

that helps them to link up.

Sometimes it can be
something as small

as just, like, a tiny head nod.

They also think it's fine

to punch each other
in the privates.

Well, that is always a classic.

But the good news is,

I think I can teach you
some strategies

that might help you
to score some amigos.

- Are you game for that?
- Do I have a choice?

No, you do not.

I think the best way to proceed

would be
to schedule our sessions

during your library time.

What?

No, not my library time.

You can't do that.
I know how this works.

You can't do anything
without my parents' permission.

Oh, but, Brick...

I already have it.

Hello, mother.
Hello, father.

So now I need a therapist?
Am I really that weird?

Look, you're no weirder
than you've ever been,

it's just that suddenly,
the school seems to care.

Don't you think that's something
we should talk about?

What happened to
"you're growing up, Brick,"

"we should include you
in the conversations, Brick"?

It's good for you,
and it's free.

You're doing it.

It is free, right?

Oh, yeah.
Checked twice.

Good, 'cause I finally
got through

to the insurance company.
Apparently they're backed up,

and it's gonna be
at least a week

before they can
process our claim.

What? A week with no windshield?

This is not
convertible weather, Mike.

What are we supposed to do?

For your first
life skills project,

you will be assigned a career.

In addition
to a 10-page written paper,

you will create a resume

and have visual aids
for your presentation.

You will have two weeks
to research

and present your findings
to the class.

Remember,
my young professionals,

the most important
life skill of all--

have fun!

We're gonna be doing
this assignment in pairs,

so why doesn't everyone
go ahead? Find a partner.

And they said
it couldn't be done.

Mega-shoelace.

So, is there anyone

who still doesn't
have a partner?

Perfect.
You two are now a team.

No!

Look, Axl,

it's no picnic for me
being your partner, either.

You don't think
I would have rather

been paired up
with Spencer Hegman

and his notorious
attention to detail?

I would.
But I got you instead.

So let's just try
to make the best of it.

So do you have any ideas
for the paper?

- No.
- Resume?

Negatory.

Food demonstration?

Bleh.

Oh.

Axl, stop screwing around!

Vijal Bawa and Connie Wong
have already started.

- I know this for a fact!
- Oh, my God.

School Sue is even more annoying
than home Sue.

Would you just relax?
We got two weeks.

Come find me in 13 1/2 days.

N-- Axl,

you cannot wait
till the night before!

Sure I can. That's what
they want us to do.

What?

It's true, Sue.

Teachers are lazy.

They know it only takes
a day to do a project,

but if they gave us
assignments every day,

they'd have to
grade 'em every day.

They don't want it,
we don't want it.

It's an unspoken agreement.
Who are you to mess

with the American
educational system?

We're not number one
in the world for nothing.

Suck it, China!

That's why they gotta
make all our stuff for us.

Okay, Brick.

Here's a little trick
I like to call eye contact.

Try using those peepers

and really opening yourself up
to the other students, hmm?

Another thought--
you like books.

Why don't you find
some fellow book buddies

and try to connect with them?

So, what kind of story
you looking for?

Man versus man?
Man versus nature?

How about
a nice epistolary novel?

One surefire way
of making friends?

Finding something
the other kids are into

and gettin' on board
with that program.

Hey, Brick. Uh...

I thought today's assignment
was playing tag.

I am.

I've achieved the highest
level of tag. I'm it.

and took the "rate your
assignment partner" quiz,

and you are a "severe
collaboration limitation."

With no due respect, I disagree.

I thought you might
say something like that,

so I also ranked you
on the sibling scale,

and guess what?

You're a "bummer brother."

So... yeah.

Whatever.
This whole thing is lame.

Except kitchen floor hoops,

which I just invented,
and is totally awesome.

I know you fancy yourself
some kind of rebel, Axl,

but sometimes in life, you just
have to follow the rules.

I put on sunscreen
an hour before going outside.

I wait till the bus comes to
a complete stop before standing.

You don't think I would love
to fill up on bread? I would.

But that's not
how the world works.

The rule of this project

is that you and I
take the allotted two weeks

and do it together.

And that's just what
we're gonna do, mister.

'Cause a "D" might fly
in Ax Land,

but it doesn't work
in Sue City.

And not the one in Iowa.
The one right here.

So Sue was making about
as much progress with Axl

as we were
with the insurance company.

But I was not gonna drive
around without a windshield.

I just needed to be
a little creative.

So I don't want to be it?

Right.

But doesn't it
have all the power?

If you're it,
you have to chase people.

Who says? If I'm it,
don't I make all the decisions?

It.

Okay. I'm calling it on boredom.

- Night.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Not so fast. It's your turn
to do the dishes.

Oh. Right.

Oh, wish I could, but I can't.

Got a really big project
tomorrow,

so I'm just gonna go watch
a few hours of TV

to get the brain fired up
and then get started.

Don't bother.
It's already done

and tied up and stuffed
in a bag by the door.

As should you be
for your lackluster effort.

Wait. Wasn't this project
both of yours?

- Yes.
- Yes.

But I guess she went ahead
and did it without me.

Can you believe this?

I was so looking forward
to learning,

and she robbed me of that.
She's so selfish.

Guess that frees you up
to do the dishes, then.

Unless...
Tag. You're it.

See, Brick?
That's how it works.

- Wait, Axl, we still need to decide...
- I'm not gonna do the dishes for you.

...who's saying what when!

You can't
pawn stuff off on me...

Brr!
I cannot get warm.

Seriously, I've been
in the house for hours.

I'm still freezing.
Feel my face.

H-hey!
Get your cold nose off me.

It's not my fault.

People need windshields.

Well, you may get one
soon enough.

Here's the check
from the insurance company.

Hang on.

They're denying our claim?

What? Wh--

let me see that.

Where's the money?
There's no check in here.

Not putting a check
in the envelope is our trick.

I don't want it done to me.

We're denied 'cause of
code 426E.

What's 426E?

"Act of God."

We have act of God.

We have
the comprehensive policy.

Remember? You thought
it was too expensive,

and I said the only
other safety net we have

is the Hoosier Lotto,
so we ended up getting it.

You know what?

I know those receipts
are around here somewhere.

'Cause we paid those premiums.

I remember, because
we were a little late,

and the guy was really nice
about taking it.

Yeah, they're real nice
about taking your money,

it's giving it back
they have a problem with.

Well, we are going down there,

and we're bringing our car

so that they can see
what they've done to us.

I am not taking this lying down.

Had a thought, Brick.

I've been sending you
out to talk to other kids

with nothing in your toolbox.

And that was my bad.

So I've taken the liberty
of scripting up

a little practice conversation

that I think might just
get the old ball rolling, huh?

"Hey."

"What's up, dude?"

"Oh, you know.
Just chillin'."

"That's cool."

"Hey, man, I like your style.

You seem like a cool guy."

"You seem cool, too.

And hey. I totally appreciate
the eye contact, buddy."

"Thanks. Maybe we could
hang out sometime.

What do you say, bro?"

I really don't think
I would say "bro."

Oh. Oh, okay.
Well, that's no big.

We'll just, uh, change that...

to "ace," hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Why do I need to make friends
with kids, anyway?

I mean-- I mean,
what's the point?

They're not interested
in what I have to say,

and I'm certainly not interested
in their conversations.

You've seen them in the halls.

They shove, they kick.

They take delight
in screaming for no reason.

If somebody farts,
it's the highlight of their day.

They chase each other around

so that way, they may in turn
be chased themselves.

I still don't understand
that one.

Well, y-yeah, Brick,
but... everyone needs friends.

Well, I do have friends--

the librarian,
the crossing guard,

you.

Oh.

Oh, well, thank you, Brick.

That-- oh.
That gets me right here.

But I really mean
friends your own age.

But if you look at
the entirety of my life,

won't I actually be
spending more time

with adults than kids, anyway?

Sure, but--

Think about it.

If the whole point of this
is to prepare me

to be able to make connections
with adults later in my life,

aren't I actually ahead of
the other kids in that regard?

Uh, I-in theory...

So... why is it so important
for me

to make friends with kids?

Mr. Flurry! Rocking the gray...

as usual.

- Thanks, Axl.
- Great game the other day.

Axl! Where have you been?

Have you even gone over
the note cards?

We are presenting
first today. First!

Calm it down, school Sue.

I'll practice
during the announcements.

It's the Axl method.

No, that is
the failing-the-class method.

Just stick to the note cards
and follow my lead.

No improvising.
Let me get you your apron.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

- Oh, no!
- What?

I grabbed the wrong bag.

- This is your stupid stuff!
- Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We're dead!

Everything was in there--
the paper, the resume,

the note cards, the menus,
the aprons.

The note reminding me
to get the food for the class

out of the fridge.

I gave you one job to do...

You gave me every job!

Okay.

Okay.

That's it.

We're gonna get an "F."

I'm the kid who gets F's now.

That's who I am.

Maybe I'll just get a tattoo.

That's it?
You're just gonna give up?

Oh, my God.
What is your problem?

It's not even due yet.
We got, like, five minutes.

We can do this.

Hey. Steve.

What's up?

What up, Ax?

Not much. Hey, remember
that time at the lake

I introduced you
to Lindsay Sullivan?

How's that going?

Dude, she's my girlfriend now.

I owe you one.

Yeah. You do.
And don't forget that.

Okay.

All right.

"Hey, Michelle. Need a favor."

Okay. I'm looking forward

to hearing
everyone's presentations.

We don't have a lot of time,
so let's get started.

Let's see-- Sue Heck
signed up to go first?

Hi. This is Michelle

with your morning
announcements.

But first, will Axl Heck
please report to the office?

Well, Axl, we had
a presentation ordered,

but if you can find someone
who'd be willing...

Uh, right here.
I'll switch.

Okay. Steve,
you and your partner go first,

Axl, you can go to the office,
but make it quick.

The class
was called life skills,

and Axl sure put his
to good use.

Hey, Erica.
Look at you making posters.

- You're crazy good.
- Thanks.

Know what I could use?

One of these, about...

Alan Hung!
What's up, buddy?

You can, like, hack into
people's computers, right?

'Cause there's this paper
on my sister's computer,

the password
is "I heart trying."

So, you see,
there are many aspects

to a dry cleaning business--
tagging, treatment,

pressing, tailoring,
collection, and...

Beth. That's business class,
isn't it?

Yeah. It's so boring.

I bet. Know what could
be fun for you?

Hey, Bernice.

Nice work
on the tater tots yesterday.

Can I help you with this?

I need a favor.

Okay, it's time
for our final presentation.

Nope. Nope. No, no,
no, no, no, no.

Where you going,
Mr. Heck?

What's all this?

Hey, Principal Cameron.

I'm actually on my way
to my life skills presentation,

and I'm sorta late, so...

I see. Well, do you
sorta have a hall pass?

'Cause if not, you're gonna
sorta need to roll that cart

all the way down to detention.

Uh...

Oh.

Here it is.

Must have been
in my back pocket.

You know, you might want
to turn those into badges,

so you can clip them
right here, or here.

All right. Get to class.

Uh...
I like the badge idea.

You're sharper than you look.

Yes.

Sue, where's Axl?

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Ax is back.

Hey!

Oh, Sue.
Dropped her resume. Silly.

That would have been a mess.

All right, Sue.

Okay. And do you
have your report?

Of course.

And it's ten pages?

Actually 11.
Hope that's okay.

Hello. This is Sue,
my name is Axl,

and we will be
your chefs today.

Ooh!

Mmm.

Imagine yourselves
in an Italian restaurant.

How do you think something
like this comes together?

I don't know!

Thank you, Sue, for expressing
what we're all thinking.

So we have paid our premiums,

on time.
We are organized people.

Just bear with me.
I have it right here.

Whoops-- that's a warranty
for the popcorn popper.

And this is the record

for Brick's
chicken pox vaccine.

Sorry.

Takeout menu.

Oh. Another
chicken pox vaccine.

This one's Brick, too.

Oh, so Sue's the one that hasn't
been vaccinated. Huh.

Actually, I just pulled up
your file.

Yep. You are paid up
and covered for acts of God.

See? Thank you. So do we get
the check from you,

or, uh, maybe from that other
cubby over there by the coffee?

And are those doughnuts
for everybody?

Hold on now.

Looks like the incident
of January 10th

is not covered
under acts of God.

What?

A tree branch
fell down on our car.

How is that not an act of God?

Tree-- made by God,

blown down by the wind--
more God.

That's actually
double act of God.

We should be
getting two checks.

Well, according
to the inspection,

your tree
wasn't trimmed properly.

Did you ever have it looked at
by a certified arborist?

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're in between
arborists right now.

What are you talking about?

Here's the deal--

unless you trimmed
your tree branches

to the acceptable length,
it's negligence.

And how are we supposed to know
what the acceptable length is?

I'm just gonna guess here,

but I'm thinking
it's the length of a branch

that when the wind blows,

doesn't fall down on your car.

Look, we know an act of God
when we see one, okay?

We've had rain
from our ceiling.

We've had floods
from our dishwasher.

We've had bedbugs,
tornadoes, black mold,

red ants, a frog infestation!

Yeah. Frogs.

It's the end of days
at our house.

I am not kidding you!

Look, in other people's cases,

God works in mysterious ways,

but not in ours.

With us,
he's pretty straightforward.

And we are not people
who ask for a lot.

But we are people who demand
what is ours and what is right,

and if you
cannot get with that,

then maybe you need
to get your supervisor,

because I don't think
that you want

good, paying customers like us
driving away angry.

I'm so angry.

Brick, you asked me why

you have to be friends
with other kids, all right?

And I ran it through
the old think tank,

and here's what I came up with.

I have no idea.

But I'm gonna be
applying for a job

cutting keys
down at the hardware store

if you don't show
some signs of improvement,

so I'm just asking you
as a friend...

Can you help me out?

Can you-- can--
can you do me a solid?

Can we move our sessions
so I don't miss library time,

but I do miss gym?

Done.

So how do we get life skills?

Sometimes you learn 'em.

Sometimes you're born
with 'em...

and sometimes
you just have to rely

on an act of God.

Hi.

We heard you were having
a little trouble with your car

and hope you'll feel free
to use the church van

for the next few weeks.

Aw.

But we will need you
to drive the saintly seniors

to the beauty shop
on Wednesday.

Hey. It's got a windshield.