The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Play - full transcript

(Crows caw)

(Frankie) High school--
In some ways,

it was a lot different for Sue.
(Door opens)

In other ways,
it was exactly the same.

Oh, no. Lacrosse tryouts?

I'm never gonna make anything.

Did you leave the price tag
on your helmet?

Yeah.

Ohh. Good girl.

Uh, mom, can we call
grandma Pat and grandpa Tag?

Oh, Brick, you want
to talk to them?



Not really, but grandparents
and special friends day

is next week at school,
and we get extra credit

if we bring a grandparent
or a special friend.

Well, grandma and grandpa

are on their cyber seniors
computer cruise, remember?

They're not gonna be home
for a couple of weeks.

Maybe... grandpa big Mike?

Great! Give him a ring
and work out the deets,

and let me know
when it's all confirmed.

Oh, wouldn't it be
awesome for you

if I was the kind of mom
that would do that?

(Door squeaks)

Sorry about lacrosse, Sue.

Did you leave the tag
on that stick?



Yep.

Attagirl.

Mom!

Dad is totally out of control!

He says I'm grounded
and no video games!

Tell him he can't double up
on punishments like that.

I can when you double up
on being a moron.

Oh, my God. What would you do
if one of your friends

challenged you
to drive blindfolded?

Get smarter friends?

(Sighs and inhales deeply)
You know, I'm not gonna

share my accomplishments
with you anymore

if this is how you guys react!

(Sighs)

Ohh. Frankie, guess what?

In the Orson Community Theater's
upcoming production

of "The Wizard Of Oz,"
I have just been cast as...

The Mayor of Munchkinland.

(Gasps) Wow!
(Chuckles)

I have lines and everything.

Hey, uh, would your kids be
interested in trying out?

They're looking for Munchkins.
We've only got three.

Not very much of a land.
(Chuckles)

Nah, it's not really
Axl and Brick's thing,

and Sue's already tried out
for so much stuff this year,

if she didn't make
something else,

it could send her
over the edge.

Oh, kids don't have to audition.
Everybody gets in.

Everybody?

Everybody.

So over the clutter
and through the stoves,

to grandfather's house
Brick went.

(Door squeaks)

(Chuckles) Oh.
Hey, I know you.

From that time we ate turkey.

You're Kevin. Kenny!

Brick.

Well, if you say so.

Actually, Uncle Rusty, I was
looking for grandpa big Mike.

Grandparents and special friends
day is coming up at my school,

and I wanted to see
if he could come to my class.

Nah, they're tearing down
a red roof inn in Traverse City,

and, uh, dad's down there
picking up 40 toilets.

Shoot. I'm straddling check,
check-minus territory here.

I could really use
the extra credit.

Hey, maybe you could come.

Well, what are they paying?

Uh, they're not paying
anything.

Oh. (Chuckles)
Well, uh, I've been looking

for a reason to put on
a pair of pants, so sure.

Great.

So, uh... oh, you--
You want a cup of coffee?

Uh, d-do you drink coffee?

Nope.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Coffee's bad.

Cigarettes are bad, too.
I gotta go have both,

but, um, let me be
a cautionary tale for you.

(Door squeaks)

(Clinking)

- What are you doing?
- Snapping pennies.

Hey, it's your fault.
You took away my video games,

and now I'm forced to come up
with a way to entertain myself.

It's pretty sweet, actually.
Six holes in every screen.

13 screens. If I get 'em all...
(Singsongy) I'm the winner.

(Chuckles) I think that's
a matter of opinion.

Hey, Sue. Guess what?

I heard today that
the Orson Community Theater

is doing "Wizard Of Oz,"
and they really need

more teenagers to be Munchkins.

What do you say?
It could be fun, huh?

I don't know.
I kinda had my heart set

on trying out for drill team.

(Thuds) (Gasps)

Well, drill team is
really cool.

I mean, everybody knows that,

but the great thing about
the play is, all kids get in.

They take everybody.

Everybody?

Everybody.

Well, I guess
it could be fun. (Chuckles)

Yay, I'm in a play!
(Thuds)

Yay!

♪ Ding-dong! The witch is dead ♪

♪ which old witch? ♪

♪ the wicked witch ♪

♪ ding-dong!
The wicked witch is dead ♪

♪ wake up, you sleepyhead ♪

♪ rub your eyes,
get out of bed ♪

♪ wake up,
the wicked witch is dead ♪

You know, you have
a very pretty voice.

Who, me? No... (Chuckles)
But thank you.

♪ Yo-ho,
let's open up and sing ♪

Say, you know,
we could really use

some more
strong-voiced Ozians.

I'm a sucker for a soprano.

Oh, you're sweet, but I'm just
here to pick up my daughter.

Hey, guys.
You're sounding good!

I'm trying to convince your mom
here to be one of the Ozians.

Ohh.
No way!

(Gasps) Mom, you should
totally do it.

No. I mean, I would love to,
but I don't think I have time.

Anyway, the play is really
your thing.

But think of how much cooler
it could be

if the play was our thing.

Ohh.
Yeah!

It could be our thing!

Oh. (Chuckles)
I don't know.

I mean, I don't really see
myself as a performer.

(Piano playing
"The Merry Old Land Of Oz")

I don't know which one of us
was enjoying it more.

Yes, I do. It was me.

I realized I never do anything
just for the joy of it,

just for fun.

Being in a play was like being
part of a family--

Well, the kind that puts
their dirty dishes in the sink,

not on the back of the toilet.

Yep. I was having the time
of my life.

Frankie, have you got a second?

Sure. Just highlighting
my solo. (Chuckles)

I'm sorry to have
to tell you this.

I'm gonna have to let Sue go.

What? What do you mean,
let her go?

Look at her.

Positively, absolutely...

(Boys and girls) Undeniably...

What? What's the problem?

Frankie, she's got crazy eyes.

Crazy eyes?

It's like she's having
a panic attack in her eyes.

This is a day
of inde... pendence

for all the Munchkins
and their des... cendants.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

She looks fine to me.
(Chuckles)

I'm sorry. The theater--
She is a cruel mistress.

You understand, right?

No. No, I don't understand.

My daughter is a person
with hopes and feelings,

and... (Lowered voice)
I was told everybody gets in.

It's true.
All the kids get in.

However, all the kids don't
necessarily stay in.

Well, you could have put
that in the flyer.

(Sighs) Please.
You don't get it.

She never makes anything.

You can't tell her this.
She'll be crushed.

Oh, wow. You're right.

That's why you should be
the one to tell her.

(Munchkins)
♪ ding-dong! The merry-oh ♪

♪ sing it high, sing it low ♪

♪ let them know
the wicked witch is dead ♪

Well, Uncle Rusty stood me up.

What?

Yep. A little embarrassing.

I was the only one there
without a special friend.

At least Charlie's grandpa
talked to me for a while.

Did you know president Obama's
not a U.S. citizen?

(Crow cawing in distance)

Damn it, Frankie. I knew asking
my brother was a bad idea.

(Beeping)
This is your parents' fault

for going
on that stupid cyber cruise.

They're old. Why do they
gotta learn new stuff?

(Sighs) (Clink)

Ohh. Thanks, dad. You got
in my line of vision.

I was at level five,
and now I gotta start back

at the beginning.

(Door squeaks)

(Door closes)

Oh, hey, Sue.
Do you got a minute?

I was just gonna go
run my line.

Oh, I think that can wait.

Listen, honey, I have
some terrible news.

Grandma died?

No. No, but keep that
in perspective

as to what terrible news
really is.

Listen, gene talked to me
last night,

and he said
he was really sorry,

but unfortunately...

(Sighs) You're off the play.

What?! Why?

I guess there were
some complaints that

your eyes were
more interesting to watch

than the lead performance.

Ohh.
I'm really sorry, honey.

Oh, it stinks.

(Sighs) Oh, my God.

I can't believe
we're not in the play.

Uh, yeah, well...

That's not exactly true.

So we are doing the play?

No, we're not.

So we're off the play.

No, no. That's not it.

So we're on the play.

- We're not.
- We're not?

Right. We're not.

What?

Your mom's in. You're out.
Just say it.

Thank you, Mike.
I was getting there!

What? But you're
gonna quit, right?

Well, quitting is certainly
something that I could do,

although I am the strongest
voice of all the Ozians...

(Sighs) And it is for charity,

but if you really want me
to quit, then I--

I want you to quit.

Okay, well, let's not jump
into any rash decisions.

Just sleep on it,
and if you still want me

to quit in the morning, I will.

I want you to quit.

You know, it's still too soon
to really know how you feel.

Let's give it another day.

I want you to quit.

Let's be super, super sure.

(Man over PA) Frankie,
you have a call on line one.

Sue wants you to quit.

It was settled then.
I was just gonna have to quit.

Why do I have to quit?

Just 'cause Sue has
stupid crazy eyes?

Maybe I don't wanna quit.

So don't quit.

Yeah, sure. Right.
I won't quit,

and then I'll be
the worst mother in the world.

Ohh!
You know, it's not fair.

I'm really loving it, Mike.

The people there
are so nice to me,

and I get to wear
these pretty costumes,

and they bring me tea.

Nothing has made me
this happy in years.

No offense taken.

(Sighs) And they like my voice.

The last time I sang in the car,
the kids threw cheetos at me.

Wow. Must have really hated it
to give up cheetos.

Ohh. Why do I always have
to make the sacrifice

just 'cause I'm the mom?

Frankie, you work hard.

If you've found something
that makes you happy,

you should stick with it.

I know, right?

And she's not a kid anymore.

If Sue's upset,
well, that's life.

She'll bounce back.

It's not like
she hasn't had any practice.

That's true.

And even if you do quit,
it's not gonna help her any.

She's still off the play.

Oh, that's good.
I gotta write that one down.

(Opens drawer)

You know, if you really think
about it, if I'm in the play...

(Pen clicks)

Then Sue's in the play.

Yeah, don't go with that one.

Rusty, what the hell?
Where were you?

Oh, I was in my room,

and then I heard the door,

and then I came here.

Brick's grandparents
and special people day--

Any of that ring a bell?

Oh, well, I-I don't think
that was, uh,

that was actually
a firm commitment.

(Scoffs) Nothing's ever
a firm commitment with you.

This is what you do.

You didn't even bother
to show up at my wedding.

(Chuckles) Well, who has
a wedding on a weekend?

Everyone on Earth.

You know, Brick was
really counting on you,

and... (Sighs)
You know what? Forget it.

I'm not gonna even bother
explaining it to you,

'cause you're never
gonna get it.

Hey.

Thought you could use a snack.

Now is grandma dead?

She's fine,
but speaking of grandma,

well, you know, that reminds me
of a funny story.

When I was little, your grandma
and I decided it would be fun

to get matching
mother-daughter dresses,

so we went shopping
all over town

looking for the right ones,

and finally, we found
the perfect dress,

but they only had one,
and it fit grandma,

but it didn't fit me.

Ohh.

Anyway, grandma got the dress,
and I was so happy.

She bought the dress?

Well, yeah, but she looked
so beautiful in it.

She wore it in front of you?

Of course, but you're
missing the point.

Grandma was so happy,

and I was happy
because she was happy.

I don't understand why
you didn't keep shopping

until you found dresses
in both your sizes.

No, no, no, no, no.
I was happy because she--

But isn't that the point
of mother-daughter dresses--

To get the same dress?

Yeah, but--

Gosh. Who knew
grandma was so selfish?

I am so glad
you're my mom and not her.

Okay, I'm done.

There's no way I'm telling her.

So I stayed in the play
and just...

(Clinking)

Fudged the truth a little bit.

(Frankie) Wow. Busy night.

I've gotta go to the bank
and the cleaners,

and I should probably go
to the drug store,

'cause I've had this headache
for, like, five days.

It's not a throbbing, like,
"wah-wah" headache, you know.

It's more
of a dull, constant "eh,"

so I'll probably be gone
2 hours, 45 minutes.

Hey! It's Brick's Uncle.

I'm here for, uh, grandparents
and special friends day.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Uh, th-that was last week.
Th-they're taking a test.

Now is really not
the best time.

Oh, no, it's not the best time
for me at all, but I'm here,

so how does this work?
What, do they, uh,

sing me a song,
give me a cupcake or somethin'?

Oh. Well, I-I guess
we might have a minute.

Uh... is there...
anything you'd like to share

with the students?

Yeah. Yeah, I got somethin'.

They tell you
you gotta learn your a-b-c's,

but what they don't tell you is,
you gotta learn them backwards

while balancing on one foot
with a flashlight in your face

while some guy
you went to high school with

calls you a punk
on account of he became a cop

and you swerved a little and hit
a fire hydrant. Ha!

(Bell rings)
Oh! Look at that.

Time for lunch.

Let's please form a line,
uh, by the door. Go!

(Children speaking indistinctly)

Hey, come on.
I'll take you to lunch.

Uh, I don't know.
I think I'm supposed to tell

the principal
if I leave the school.

No, we don't need
to bother the principal.

You know, they don't want
some stranger coming in,

saying he's gonna take
a small child. (Chuckles)

Hmm.

Bye, guys. Gotta go.
Taking aunt Ginny to the movies.

Of course,
she calls it "The Picture Show."

(Laughs) (Chuckles)

(Door opens and closes) Isn't it
nice how good mom is to the aunts?

(Scoffs and chuckles)

What?

You cannot be that big
of an idiot.

You really have no idea
where mom's going?

No.

(Clinking) Think!

Bob's been picking her up
all week.

She's been humming stupid songs
all around the house.

(Grunts)
Last night she came home

with green glitter in her hair.

Oh. Stop it!

That's right, Sue.
Mom's still in the play.

(Gasps)

What?!

You know, when you said
lunch and bowling,

I didn't realize you could do it
all in one awesome place.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Hey, you're a pretty good
bowler, too, you know?

What did you end up with?

39.

39. That's pretty good
for a 7-year-old.

No, I'm 10.

Oh. Well, you should be
better then.

(Brakes squeal)

Okay. Time for you to take
the wheel.

(Shifts gears) What?

Well, you gotta learn
to drive some time, don't ya?

Um, don't I have to be 16?

(Chuckles) Who says?

The state does.
I don't have a license.

Oh. Me neither.
I like to keep off the grid.

(Door opens and closes)

(Crow cawing in distance)

Yeah. All right.
Let's do it.

Does this really seem
like a good idea?

I mean, mom won't even
let me make toast.

Oh, come on now.
Put her in drive.

There you go.
Now give it a little gas.

I'm so nervous.

Well, there's nothing to be
nervous about.

Worst-case scenario,
we both die,

and that's gonna happen
at some point anyway.

(Engine rumbling)

(Tires screech)

Okay.

(Chuckles) I'm driving!

(Tires screech)
(Whispers) Driving.

Okay, now keep your eye
on the road!

Jeez, I learned that lesson
the hard way.

Hey, this is
kind of embarrassing,

but, uh, could you give me
your name one more time?

Is it...

(Vehicle approaches)

(Brakes squeal)

Hey, dad.
We had the best day.

Uncle Rusty took me out
of school, and we ate ribs,

and I bowled a 39.

I learned that
I do not like beer, though.

Oh. (Laughs)
He did pretty well.

Oversteered a little bit,
but that's why you gotta--

Not let him drive?
What, are you nuts?

Oh. Oh, he was fine.

Dad let us drive.
We turned out okay.

You wanna rephrase that?

Okay, uh...

Dad let we drive.
Us turned out okay.

Is that what you're
looking for, grammar police?

Rusty, you can't disappoint
a kid,

then make up for it
by stuffing him with ribs

and taking him out to do
something illegal and dangerous.

Oh. (Chuckles)
Brick's happy.

Sure, until the next thing
comes along that you miss.

Look, you're in and out
of our lives,

and I get tired of making
excuses about where you are

or why you're not around.
The kids ask about you.

I say, "oh, you know
Uncle Rusty,"

but they don't.

Brick.

(Clears throat) Listen, uh...

You know, just 'cause I don't,
uh, show up for things,

well, that-- that doesn't mean
that I don't care for ya.

Hey, I got ribs, bowling,
a driving lesson,

and extra credit.
I'm all good.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Same goes for you.

(Door creaks)

(Switch clicks) Hello, mother.

(Gasps)

Is there something
you'd like to tell me?

I'm sorry! (Panting)

I love you.
I love you so much.

You're so good, and I'm so bad.
I'm so, so bad, and I'm weak!

That's what I am.

I'm weak, and I'm sorry, and-- Not now!
(Clinking)

(Sighs) But you're right.

I have no excuse. None.

Except that I love doing
the play.

I was so excited to have
something that was just for me,

that was my thing,

'cause there I'm a singer,
and today a Munchkin barfed,

and no one expected me
to clean it up,

'cause there I'm not a mom.
I'm Ozian number four,

and that just made me feel...

(Sighs) Special.

(Sighs) Wow.

I didn't realize how much
the play meant to you.

But you know what?

I don't want to do the play
without you,

so tomorrow
we're marching down there

and demanding that they find
a place for you, too.

The play's gonna be our thing.

♪ Pat, pat here,
pat, pat there ♪

♪ and a couple
of brand-new straws ♪

♪ that's how we keep you
young and fair ♪

♪ in the merry old land of Oz ♪

And sure enough,
they found a place for Sue--

Underneath the stage.

C7 to B6. Got it.

(Electricity crackles)

B6, go.

(Switch clicks)

♪ Can you even dye my eyes ♪

♪ to match my gown? ♪

♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ jolly old town ♪

♪

C1 to C5. Where's C5?!

(Strained voice)
C5-- It won't reach.

There must be a knot.
(Grunts)

(Pants)

(High-pitched grunt)

(Crackles) (Pants)

(Switch clicks)

♪ Clip, clip here,
clip, clip there ♪

♪ we give the roughest claws ♪

♪ that certain air
of savoir faire ♪

♪ in the merry old land of Oz ♪

♪ ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ that's how we laugh
the day away ♪

♪ in the merry old land of Oz ♪

(Cheering)

♪

(Cheering continues)

The thing is, in life,
if you just did your own thing,

well, you wouldn't be part
of a family,

'cause it's just more fun when
you go through it together.

Come on. Go, Axl!
You can do it! Whoo!

(Clinks and whooshes)

(Cheering and laughing)