The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 8 - Heck's Best Thing - full transcript
Frankie and Mike are convinced that slacker son Axl will blow his interview with a football scout, which could earn him a scholarship to college. Meanwhile, Sue and Brick begin a texting marathon - and rack up some serious charges - when they discover that Aunt Edie accidentally gave them her cell phone; and Frankie tries to be completely attentive to the family's needs when she realizes that she's more considerate to outsiders than her own kin.
There are many ways
to get into college.
You can study hard,
you can be a good leader or
you can ram your head
at high rates of speed
into another guy's stomach.
MVP! MVP!
Great game, 32.
Been keeping an eye on you.
Listen, I'd love to
stop by your house sometime,
sit down,
get to know you better.
Okay. Who are you?
Sorry. Jack Tracy,
East Indiana State.
Chatted with your folks
a couple of weeks ago about
you maybe bringing some of that
lightning speed to East Indy.
I could easily
see you as a dragon.
Sweet. I love dragons.
Really?
A recruiter is coming
to our house?
Is this real?
Is this really real?
So help me, if you're
lying about this, Axl,
I will punch you in the throat.
Wait, when's he coming?
Tuesday's good.
That way you can talk
about the Monday night game.
No, wait-- Friday.
That way he's thinking about you
the rest of the weekend.
Oh, damn it.
Now I can't make up my mind.
Oh, my God. Someone could
help us pay for Axl's college.
Mike, this means we might be
able to retire in our early 90s.
I love you.
Sports hug!
Oh! Okay.
All right. I'm out.
Feel free to keep
groping each other, though.
I'm telling ya,
just when you think
you're never gonna get any money
back on these kids...
Can you believe it?
He's coming to interview Axl.
Eh... three...
Four...
Five. Personal best.
Oh, God.
He's coming to interview Axl.
Six. Ooh.
Yep, if we had any chance
of impressing this recruiter,
we were gonna have to
put on a big show,
so I sent the kids
to borrow a fancy chip platter.
And tell her to keep it.
Oh, no, aunt Edie.
We'll bring it back.
What do I need it for?
And while Ginny's on the potty,
I wanna slip you guys
some things.
But we don't want your stuff,
aunt Edie.
Well, you can't
take it with you,
and at our age, it's not
things that make us happy.
It's cigarettes and booze.
Now take a sucky candy
before you go.
Hey, buddy.
How's it going?
Mind if we chat a minute?
Oh, no. No! Go away.
I don't need you.
Don't worry about the interview.
I got it covered.
Do you, Axl?
This is huge.
Now this recruiter is not
just looking at football.
He's gonna be looking
to see whether
you're the kind of kid
they want at their school.
Duh. I know how to
behave in situations.
Oh, yeah?
You once stuck gum to the side
of a casket at a funeral.
You're not allowed to "duh" us.
Aah! Stop with the lecture.
This is torture.
Now when your mom and I are
talking during the interview,
no pretending to
shoot yourself, or...
Choke yourself,
or kill yourself in any way.
Don't lick food off your body.
Don't call the recruiter
"Broski," "Broseph," "Broham"...
Don't say "lame"
or "uck" or "God."
I don't believe this. It's like
you have no faith in me at all.
Now you're getting it.
And when they ask you
why you want to go to college,
what are you gonna say?
Uh, to get away
from my lame parents.
He just said "lame."
Are you even listening?
Look, this is not
just about you, Axl.
In case you haven't noticed
the sharp drop
in caviar deliveries,
money's tight.
You getting a scholarship
helps this whole family.
So if you're not sure what
to say, let us do the talking.
Oh, right,
'cause I can't be trusted.
Who knows what I'll do? I'm
an uncivilized caveman who--
Sorry. That only happened
'cause I was doing this.
Chill, okay?
I'll be ready for Thursday.
The interview's Wednesday.
Whatever! Wednesday!
Another Martini shaker...
Ashtray...
Bird lighter...
Ooh. Jesus lighter.
"I am the light
of the world."
Toss it in my pile.
I don't have a lighter yet.
Oh, wow.
This is ancient,
like, from the '90s.
What's this?
I think something to do
with music, but I don't know.
I want it!
Aunt Edie's phone.
Well, we're not sure which
candidate we'll be supporting,
but we will certainly
keep Bill Brodis in mind.
The phone works.
I have a phone that works.
Oh! I have...
I have a phone!
Correction--
We have a phone.
No way.
You got the tick-tock thing.
But you're getting one
for your birthday.
What? Really?
I was reading in mom's bathroom
when I overheard her say
she's gonna give you
her old phone as a present.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting mom's old phone!
Oh, but wait--
That's in three months from now.
I need to text carly now.
Hey, I have phoning needs, too.
You have no friends. Who could
you possibly need to call?
Sometimes the library
has limited hours
due to city budget
restrictions.
Brick, you cannot debate me on
who needs to be more reachable.
Fine, keep it.
I'll just tell.
Brick.
What would Jesus lighter say?
Based on his philosophy of love,
he'd say we should share.
Every other day?
Okay.
It's really old.
Does it even text?
I don't know.
I know. I think mom left
her phone on the counter. Here.
You send a text, I'll go check.
Oh, my God.
Aunt Edie texted "help"?
I gotta get over there.
"Help," Brick?
You know a bajillion words,
and that's the one you go with?
"Help"?
No, I said "kelp"!
Hey, how's aunt Edie?
Everything okay over there?
Ugh, she doesn't
remember texting
and she doesn't even know
where her phone is.
Then she gave me
a lighter and a gravy boat.
I don't know
why she would text "help."
Yeah. It was a weird choice.
Ugh.
Wait. What was I thinking?
Should have called the number
while I was over there.
All right.
Maybe she'll hear it and answer.
No. She's not picking up.
Forget it. I'm done.
Did Brick just take
a jar of mayonnaise?
Whatever. It's Brick.
Don't worry about it.
Hi. You've reached Sue,
unless it's Tuesday, Thursday,
Saturday,
or Monday before noon...
Hello?
In which case,
you've reached Brick.
No, I don't have your dog.
I'm just curious.
Text me when you find it.
Where the hell is Axl?
The recruiter's gonna be here
any second and-- Axl!
Calm down.
You're making me nervous.
Great.
He's here, and no Axl.
He'd better not blow this.
Axl?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hey, Mrs. Heck.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Heck.
Great seeing you again.
So where's our superstar?
If I know my son,
he's still hunkered down
at his desk studying.
Ah.
Or practicing football.
Yep, it's all books and pigskin
with that kid.
And the Bible.
Oh.
- Anyway, uh, he should be--
- Hi.
Mr. Tracy.
Great seeing you again.
Welcome to our house.
Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Axl, let's get to it.
I've seen you play,
but tell me,
what makes you a well-rounded
fit for East Indiana State?
I mean, we're not
just a jock farm.
Oh, Axl's a lot more than that.
He's very into charity...
And...
Anything with... Africa.
And, well,
you see, uh, Axl's really been
gearing up for his future,
and he has future goals
about his college future.
The thing is--
I think what my parents
are trying to say is
I'd be lying if at 16 I said
I knew what I wanted to study,
but you have a great school,
and I find if you try your best,
you end up doing
something you love.
Great answer--
Honest.
Now I know my grades
are not the best,
and I'm really working to improve them
so there're more *vis-a-vis my athletics.
Oh, I tell you,
with an attitude like that,
you're gonna have
a lot of choices.
But hey, this isn't just
about me kicking your tires.
Do you have
any questions for me?
Actually, I do, Mr. Tracy.
What made you decide you wanted
to work at East Indiana State?
Whoa, all-out blitz.
I love it.
Most kids just want to know
about the parties.
Oh. Pfft.
I'm gonna get to that.
Come on, Brick.
It's my turn.
I've still got
ten seconds left.
See? Glad I held on to it.
Could be the dog people.
"Alert from Indiana Mobile.
"You have exceeded
your monthly text plan.
A $68.34 overage will be
added to your next bill."
You're right. You're older.
You should have the phone.
No way.
That text came in your watch.
Oh, no.
What?
Mom pays aunt Edie's bills.
We are gonna get so busted.
Ugh, I can't believe it.
I was just three months away
from having my own phone,
and now mom is never
gonna let me have it.
I can't go back to a landline.
I just can't!
It's like being chained
to a wall.
What are we gonna do, Brick?
Oh, my God. This is terrible.
I can't believe it.
It's my guitar teacher.
I gotta take this.
Y-ello?
Shh.
Really glad I got to
know you better, Axl.
Likewise, Mr. Tracy,
and I'd really love
to get more information
on that international business
program you were talking about.
You got it. Good night.
Night.
Wow.
Can you believe our son?
He was charming, he was funny,
he had all the right answers.
What the hell was that?!
What? I thought I killed it.
Oh, you killed it, all right.
You killed it
all over the place!
Damn it, Axl. I was so worried
you'd blow this,
I almost had a heart attack,
and then I look like an idiot
with that "future goals" crap,
and you come out swinging
with "vis-a-vis"?
And I'm not sure, but I even
think you used it right.
It was on the PSATS.
What's your problem?
Thought you'd be proud.
You know, every time
Nancy Donahue said,
"Axl's so polite at our house,"
I assumed she was lying
to spare my feelings.
And once,
your English teacher wrote
"a pleasure to have in class"
on the back of your report card.
I thought it was a typo!
But you are a pleasure,
aren't you?
Okay, liking the words,
but confused
by the bulging neck veins.
They're bulging because
I'm wondering how you can be
all charming and colin firth-y
with this guy and Nancy Donahue
and God knows who else.
How come you never bring
your best for us, huh?
Oh, like you bring
your best for us?
Wait, what? I bring my best.
I bring my best 24/7.
Yeah, right. I don't see you
bringing me dip and lemonade.
It's always, "I'm too tired.
Make your own lunch."
Well, the color of the pot
is black, vis-a-vis the kettle.
We're not talking about me.
We're talking about you. Ugh.
You were so amazing tonight,
I can't even look at you!
I know. Nice job!
You know, I liked that Jack.
My dip was kind of gross,
and he still ate it.
I'll like him more
when he gives Axl a free ride.
And don't ever
make that dip again.
What is this?
This a pimple?
I'm squeezing it,
but nothing's happening.
I don't know.
Give it another day.
And then I saw
a truly horrific sight--
The truth.
There I was,
hunched over like Quasimodo,
picking a back zit,
wearing a holey t-shirt
I pulled out
of the dirty clothes.
Axl was right.
This is not my best.
Maybe none of us were bringing
our best for each other.
Whoa. Careful, mom.
You're gonna crush my chips.
- Have a good one.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
And that was just Tuesday.
Hi.
Um, I'd like to pay
my $68.34 texting charge
in cash this month.
Name on the account?
Aunt Edie--
An-- toinette Edie,
but I just go by Edie.
Your last name?
What is aunt Edie's last name?
I don't know.
I always just call her
"aunt Edie."
Oh, I think I found you,
and yes, you did go over
your text allowance this month.
You sent 743 texts,
and you were allowed...
One.
Guess I was really
blowing up this month.
Okay. This is...
Exactly $48.92.
Plus this vintage bird lighter,
which has gotta be worth
at least 20 bucks.
Oh, and also,
I'd like to turn in my phone.
Oh, turn in or trade in?
'Cause it says here you're
eligible for a free second phone
if you sign up for the
two year family plan.
It's only $5 a month.
Really?
Sue, we're stealing
from our aunt,
we're lying to our parents--
We're in too deep on this.
We gotta get out.
Did I mention
you'll also receive
an international charger
and a handy belt clip?
Now when you say
"international,"
does that include
Canada and Puerto Rico?
I don't get it.
I'm so helpful
and considerate to others,
but at home,
it's like I don't even try.
I so get it.
My mom won't even
invite me out of my room
to say hi to her gal friends
in her Bridge Club anymore.
It's like I'm a guest
in my mom's house.
Well, no more.
I'm gonna be the tiny ember
that ignites the fire of change.
Wow. That is so deep.
Yeah. I heard it on a show
about a family fat camp.
Really?
Oh, come on.
Here comes homemade meatloaf
and mashed potatoes
with a touch of TLC.
I tried to find something
that everyone--
Later.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where you going?
What? I'm done eating.
I was gonna go watch
the East Indiana game.
Look, I made this myself
off the back of a box, so sit.
Ugh!
Let's talk.
So you told the recruiter
you were interested in studying
international business?
Stop it. I was in school
all day. Brain, off.
Isn't that the normal setting?
Brick? Sue?
Anything interesting
happen to you guys today?
- Nah.
- No.
Well, then.
Let's talk about my day.
Let's see, um...
I almost made a sale. And--
Oh. Listen to this, Mike.
I got a strange call
from the phone company,
saying that aunt Edie
sent hundreds of texts
she doesn't even
remember sending
and she added a phone
to her plan.
I don't know.
I'm worried about her.
Hmm.
I hate to admit it, but maybe
it's time to put 'em in a home.
Just go.
Can we go, too?
Yeah, my battery's dead.
You know, metaphorically.
Long day.
Fine. Whatever.
So, Mike, anything
happen at work today?
Nope.
Uh-huh. Go on.
We got a new rock crusher.
Oh, wow. Crushing rocks--
Sounds exciting.
It's not.
What are you staring at me for?
I got something on my face?
Oh, just listening
to my husband,
being present, wanting to hear
what the most important person
in the world to me did today.
You wreck the car or something?
You are so funny.
I forget how funny you are.
Oh, interception!
Dad, you're missing it!
I brought my best,
and you didn't even notice.
Oh, boy.
I made everyone's
favorite mashed potatoes,
I put on makeup,
I tried to start a conversation,
hell, I even stayed
in my nice pants
instead of throwing on sweats
even though these are
cutting into my side.
But did I make a big deal
about it? No.
Kind of are now.
I tried to be a tiny ember,
but you people
just stomped me right out!
Well, forget it.
I am not gonna try
for people who don't try back.
So let's just all
park ourselves on the couch
and stick our hands
down our pants
and scratch until the cows
come home, 'cause I'm done.
Well... sooner I go,
the sooner I get this over with.
Hey there, pretty lady.
Shut up.
All I wanted was to bring
my best to my family.
That so crazy?
Okay, I don't expect the kids
to get it, but you and me...
After they're gone,
we're all we got.
We should at least
try a little.
You want to talk
about that rock crusher?
It's more than
just small talk, Mike.
You know, I see couples
at the mall, holding hands,
and the other day,
when I went out to get the mail,
I saw the Donahues
dancing in their living room.
Literally!
They were ballroom dancing!
Look, Frankie,
you don't gotta cook us dinner
to show us your best, 'cause
that's not really your best,
but I get
where you're coming from.
You're just saying that
'cause the football game's
on a short time out.
No. Really, I-I-I get it.
It's just,
isn't there something
in between hands down the pants
and ballroom dancing?
I don't know.
Maybe bowling.
I like bowling.
All right.
Well, there you go.
Thursday night,
we're going bowling.
Well, look at that.
We have a date.
Hmm.
These phones are evil.
I couldn't help it. I was
seduced by rollover minutes.
Rollover minutes.
Yeah, but we never
thought about
how our texting
could hurt others,
and now aunt Edie is going
into a home because of us,
and even worse, we did it all
in front of Jesus lighter.
That's it. I'm never
using my phone again.
Me, either.
Ooh, I got a text.
Me, too.
"Meet me in the kitchen.
M-O-M."
What does M-O-M stand for?
Turn.
Are you still putting
aunt Edie in a home?
Nope.
In fact, I found
two very capable caregivers
to go over and help out
every weekend.
74...
That's a nicke aunt Edie.
No-- and that's a button.
Thanks again for your patience.
Have a great day.
So why do we give our best
to strangers?
I mean, you love your family,
so you should
give your best to them.
Damn, it's Thursday.
Weren't we supposed
to go bowling?
Ohh.
But I'm so comfy here,
and I'm already in my sweats.
But the great thing is
they love you
so you don't have to.
Ew. Who cut one?
Axl had the garlic fries.
No way.
Smells like a mom fart.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely a SBF--
Silent but Frankie.
to get into college.
You can study hard,
you can be a good leader or
you can ram your head
at high rates of speed
into another guy's stomach.
MVP! MVP!
Great game, 32.
Been keeping an eye on you.
Listen, I'd love to
stop by your house sometime,
sit down,
get to know you better.
Okay. Who are you?
Sorry. Jack Tracy,
East Indiana State.
Chatted with your folks
a couple of weeks ago about
you maybe bringing some of that
lightning speed to East Indy.
I could easily
see you as a dragon.
Sweet. I love dragons.
Really?
A recruiter is coming
to our house?
Is this real?
Is this really real?
So help me, if you're
lying about this, Axl,
I will punch you in the throat.
Wait, when's he coming?
Tuesday's good.
That way you can talk
about the Monday night game.
No, wait-- Friday.
That way he's thinking about you
the rest of the weekend.
Oh, damn it.
Now I can't make up my mind.
Oh, my God. Someone could
help us pay for Axl's college.
Mike, this means we might be
able to retire in our early 90s.
I love you.
Sports hug!
Oh! Okay.
All right. I'm out.
Feel free to keep
groping each other, though.
I'm telling ya,
just when you think
you're never gonna get any money
back on these kids...
Can you believe it?
He's coming to interview Axl.
Eh... three...
Four...
Five. Personal best.
Oh, God.
He's coming to interview Axl.
Six. Ooh.
Yep, if we had any chance
of impressing this recruiter,
we were gonna have to
put on a big show,
so I sent the kids
to borrow a fancy chip platter.
And tell her to keep it.
Oh, no, aunt Edie.
We'll bring it back.
What do I need it for?
And while Ginny's on the potty,
I wanna slip you guys
some things.
But we don't want your stuff,
aunt Edie.
Well, you can't
take it with you,
and at our age, it's not
things that make us happy.
It's cigarettes and booze.
Now take a sucky candy
before you go.
Hey, buddy.
How's it going?
Mind if we chat a minute?
Oh, no. No! Go away.
I don't need you.
Don't worry about the interview.
I got it covered.
Do you, Axl?
This is huge.
Now this recruiter is not
just looking at football.
He's gonna be looking
to see whether
you're the kind of kid
they want at their school.
Duh. I know how to
behave in situations.
Oh, yeah?
You once stuck gum to the side
of a casket at a funeral.
You're not allowed to "duh" us.
Aah! Stop with the lecture.
This is torture.
Now when your mom and I are
talking during the interview,
no pretending to
shoot yourself, or...
Choke yourself,
or kill yourself in any way.
Don't lick food off your body.
Don't call the recruiter
"Broski," "Broseph," "Broham"...
Don't say "lame"
or "uck" or "God."
I don't believe this. It's like
you have no faith in me at all.
Now you're getting it.
And when they ask you
why you want to go to college,
what are you gonna say?
Uh, to get away
from my lame parents.
He just said "lame."
Are you even listening?
Look, this is not
just about you, Axl.
In case you haven't noticed
the sharp drop
in caviar deliveries,
money's tight.
You getting a scholarship
helps this whole family.
So if you're not sure what
to say, let us do the talking.
Oh, right,
'cause I can't be trusted.
Who knows what I'll do? I'm
an uncivilized caveman who--
Sorry. That only happened
'cause I was doing this.
Chill, okay?
I'll be ready for Thursday.
The interview's Wednesday.
Whatever! Wednesday!
Another Martini shaker...
Ashtray...
Bird lighter...
Ooh. Jesus lighter.
"I am the light
of the world."
Toss it in my pile.
I don't have a lighter yet.
Oh, wow.
This is ancient,
like, from the '90s.
What's this?
I think something to do
with music, but I don't know.
I want it!
Aunt Edie's phone.
Well, we're not sure which
candidate we'll be supporting,
but we will certainly
keep Bill Brodis in mind.
The phone works.
I have a phone that works.
Oh! I have...
I have a phone!
Correction--
We have a phone.
No way.
You got the tick-tock thing.
But you're getting one
for your birthday.
What? Really?
I was reading in mom's bathroom
when I overheard her say
she's gonna give you
her old phone as a present.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting mom's old phone!
Oh, but wait--
That's in three months from now.
I need to text carly now.
Hey, I have phoning needs, too.
You have no friends. Who could
you possibly need to call?
Sometimes the library
has limited hours
due to city budget
restrictions.
Brick, you cannot debate me on
who needs to be more reachable.
Fine, keep it.
I'll just tell.
Brick.
What would Jesus lighter say?
Based on his philosophy of love,
he'd say we should share.
Every other day?
Okay.
It's really old.
Does it even text?
I don't know.
I know. I think mom left
her phone on the counter. Here.
You send a text, I'll go check.
Oh, my God.
Aunt Edie texted "help"?
I gotta get over there.
"Help," Brick?
You know a bajillion words,
and that's the one you go with?
"Help"?
No, I said "kelp"!
Hey, how's aunt Edie?
Everything okay over there?
Ugh, she doesn't
remember texting
and she doesn't even know
where her phone is.
Then she gave me
a lighter and a gravy boat.
I don't know
why she would text "help."
Yeah. It was a weird choice.
Ugh.
Wait. What was I thinking?
Should have called the number
while I was over there.
All right.
Maybe she'll hear it and answer.
No. She's not picking up.
Forget it. I'm done.
Did Brick just take
a jar of mayonnaise?
Whatever. It's Brick.
Don't worry about it.
Hi. You've reached Sue,
unless it's Tuesday, Thursday,
Saturday,
or Monday before noon...
Hello?
In which case,
you've reached Brick.
No, I don't have your dog.
I'm just curious.
Text me when you find it.
Where the hell is Axl?
The recruiter's gonna be here
any second and-- Axl!
Calm down.
You're making me nervous.
Great.
He's here, and no Axl.
He'd better not blow this.
Axl?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hey, Mrs. Heck.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Heck.
Great seeing you again.
So where's our superstar?
If I know my son,
he's still hunkered down
at his desk studying.
Ah.
Or practicing football.
Yep, it's all books and pigskin
with that kid.
And the Bible.
Oh.
- Anyway, uh, he should be--
- Hi.
Mr. Tracy.
Great seeing you again.
Welcome to our house.
Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Axl, let's get to it.
I've seen you play,
but tell me,
what makes you a well-rounded
fit for East Indiana State?
I mean, we're not
just a jock farm.
Oh, Axl's a lot more than that.
He's very into charity...
And...
Anything with... Africa.
And, well,
you see, uh, Axl's really been
gearing up for his future,
and he has future goals
about his college future.
The thing is--
I think what my parents
are trying to say is
I'd be lying if at 16 I said
I knew what I wanted to study,
but you have a great school,
and I find if you try your best,
you end up doing
something you love.
Great answer--
Honest.
Now I know my grades
are not the best,
and I'm really working to improve them
so there're more *vis-a-vis my athletics.
Oh, I tell you,
with an attitude like that,
you're gonna have
a lot of choices.
But hey, this isn't just
about me kicking your tires.
Do you have
any questions for me?
Actually, I do, Mr. Tracy.
What made you decide you wanted
to work at East Indiana State?
Whoa, all-out blitz.
I love it.
Most kids just want to know
about the parties.
Oh. Pfft.
I'm gonna get to that.
Come on, Brick.
It's my turn.
I've still got
ten seconds left.
See? Glad I held on to it.
Could be the dog people.
"Alert from Indiana Mobile.
"You have exceeded
your monthly text plan.
A $68.34 overage will be
added to your next bill."
You're right. You're older.
You should have the phone.
No way.
That text came in your watch.
Oh, no.
What?
Mom pays aunt Edie's bills.
We are gonna get so busted.
Ugh, I can't believe it.
I was just three months away
from having my own phone,
and now mom is never
gonna let me have it.
I can't go back to a landline.
I just can't!
It's like being chained
to a wall.
What are we gonna do, Brick?
Oh, my God. This is terrible.
I can't believe it.
It's my guitar teacher.
I gotta take this.
Y-ello?
Shh.
Really glad I got to
know you better, Axl.
Likewise, Mr. Tracy,
and I'd really love
to get more information
on that international business
program you were talking about.
You got it. Good night.
Night.
Wow.
Can you believe our son?
He was charming, he was funny,
he had all the right answers.
What the hell was that?!
What? I thought I killed it.
Oh, you killed it, all right.
You killed it
all over the place!
Damn it, Axl. I was so worried
you'd blow this,
I almost had a heart attack,
and then I look like an idiot
with that "future goals" crap,
and you come out swinging
with "vis-a-vis"?
And I'm not sure, but I even
think you used it right.
It was on the PSATS.
What's your problem?
Thought you'd be proud.
You know, every time
Nancy Donahue said,
"Axl's so polite at our house,"
I assumed she was lying
to spare my feelings.
And once,
your English teacher wrote
"a pleasure to have in class"
on the back of your report card.
I thought it was a typo!
But you are a pleasure,
aren't you?
Okay, liking the words,
but confused
by the bulging neck veins.
They're bulging because
I'm wondering how you can be
all charming and colin firth-y
with this guy and Nancy Donahue
and God knows who else.
How come you never bring
your best for us, huh?
Oh, like you bring
your best for us?
Wait, what? I bring my best.
I bring my best 24/7.
Yeah, right. I don't see you
bringing me dip and lemonade.
It's always, "I'm too tired.
Make your own lunch."
Well, the color of the pot
is black, vis-a-vis the kettle.
We're not talking about me.
We're talking about you. Ugh.
You were so amazing tonight,
I can't even look at you!
I know. Nice job!
You know, I liked that Jack.
My dip was kind of gross,
and he still ate it.
I'll like him more
when he gives Axl a free ride.
And don't ever
make that dip again.
What is this?
This a pimple?
I'm squeezing it,
but nothing's happening.
I don't know.
Give it another day.
And then I saw
a truly horrific sight--
The truth.
There I was,
hunched over like Quasimodo,
picking a back zit,
wearing a holey t-shirt
I pulled out
of the dirty clothes.
Axl was right.
This is not my best.
Maybe none of us were bringing
our best for each other.
Whoa. Careful, mom.
You're gonna crush my chips.
- Have a good one.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm.
And that was just Tuesday.
Hi.
Um, I'd like to pay
my $68.34 texting charge
in cash this month.
Name on the account?
Aunt Edie--
An-- toinette Edie,
but I just go by Edie.
Your last name?
What is aunt Edie's last name?
I don't know.
I always just call her
"aunt Edie."
Oh, I think I found you,
and yes, you did go over
your text allowance this month.
You sent 743 texts,
and you were allowed...
One.
Guess I was really
blowing up this month.
Okay. This is...
Exactly $48.92.
Plus this vintage bird lighter,
which has gotta be worth
at least 20 bucks.
Oh, and also,
I'd like to turn in my phone.
Oh, turn in or trade in?
'Cause it says here you're
eligible for a free second phone
if you sign up for the
two year family plan.
It's only $5 a month.
Really?
Sue, we're stealing
from our aunt,
we're lying to our parents--
We're in too deep on this.
We gotta get out.
Did I mention
you'll also receive
an international charger
and a handy belt clip?
Now when you say
"international,"
does that include
Canada and Puerto Rico?
I don't get it.
I'm so helpful
and considerate to others,
but at home,
it's like I don't even try.
I so get it.
My mom won't even
invite me out of my room
to say hi to her gal friends
in her Bridge Club anymore.
It's like I'm a guest
in my mom's house.
Well, no more.
I'm gonna be the tiny ember
that ignites the fire of change.
Wow. That is so deep.
Yeah. I heard it on a show
about a family fat camp.
Really?
Oh, come on.
Here comes homemade meatloaf
and mashed potatoes
with a touch of TLC.
I tried to find something
that everyone--
Later.
Hey, hey, hey.
Where you going?
What? I'm done eating.
I was gonna go watch
the East Indiana game.
Look, I made this myself
off the back of a box, so sit.
Ugh!
Let's talk.
So you told the recruiter
you were interested in studying
international business?
Stop it. I was in school
all day. Brain, off.
Isn't that the normal setting?
Brick? Sue?
Anything interesting
happen to you guys today?
- Nah.
- No.
Well, then.
Let's talk about my day.
Let's see, um...
I almost made a sale. And--
Oh. Listen to this, Mike.
I got a strange call
from the phone company,
saying that aunt Edie
sent hundreds of texts
she doesn't even
remember sending
and she added a phone
to her plan.
I don't know.
I'm worried about her.
Hmm.
I hate to admit it, but maybe
it's time to put 'em in a home.
Just go.
Can we go, too?
Yeah, my battery's dead.
You know, metaphorically.
Long day.
Fine. Whatever.
So, Mike, anything
happen at work today?
Nope.
Uh-huh. Go on.
We got a new rock crusher.
Oh, wow. Crushing rocks--
Sounds exciting.
It's not.
What are you staring at me for?
I got something on my face?
Oh, just listening
to my husband,
being present, wanting to hear
what the most important person
in the world to me did today.
You wreck the car or something?
You are so funny.
I forget how funny you are.
Oh, interception!
Dad, you're missing it!
I brought my best,
and you didn't even notice.
Oh, boy.
I made everyone's
favorite mashed potatoes,
I put on makeup,
I tried to start a conversation,
hell, I even stayed
in my nice pants
instead of throwing on sweats
even though these are
cutting into my side.
But did I make a big deal
about it? No.
Kind of are now.
I tried to be a tiny ember,
but you people
just stomped me right out!
Well, forget it.
I am not gonna try
for people who don't try back.
So let's just all
park ourselves on the couch
and stick our hands
down our pants
and scratch until the cows
come home, 'cause I'm done.
Well... sooner I go,
the sooner I get this over with.
Hey there, pretty lady.
Shut up.
All I wanted was to bring
my best to my family.
That so crazy?
Okay, I don't expect the kids
to get it, but you and me...
After they're gone,
we're all we got.
We should at least
try a little.
You want to talk
about that rock crusher?
It's more than
just small talk, Mike.
You know, I see couples
at the mall, holding hands,
and the other day,
when I went out to get the mail,
I saw the Donahues
dancing in their living room.
Literally!
They were ballroom dancing!
Look, Frankie,
you don't gotta cook us dinner
to show us your best, 'cause
that's not really your best,
but I get
where you're coming from.
You're just saying that
'cause the football game's
on a short time out.
No. Really, I-I-I get it.
It's just,
isn't there something
in between hands down the pants
and ballroom dancing?
I don't know.
Maybe bowling.
I like bowling.
All right.
Well, there you go.
Thursday night,
we're going bowling.
Well, look at that.
We have a date.
Hmm.
These phones are evil.
I couldn't help it. I was
seduced by rollover minutes.
Rollover minutes.
Yeah, but we never
thought about
how our texting
could hurt others,
and now aunt Edie is going
into a home because of us,
and even worse, we did it all
in front of Jesus lighter.
That's it. I'm never
using my phone again.
Me, either.
Ooh, I got a text.
Me, too.
"Meet me in the kitchen.
M-O-M."
What does M-O-M stand for?
Turn.
Are you still putting
aunt Edie in a home?
Nope.
In fact, I found
two very capable caregivers
to go over and help out
every weekend.
74...
That's a nicke aunt Edie.
No-- and that's a button.
Thanks again for your patience.
Have a great day.
So why do we give our best
to strangers?
I mean, you love your family,
so you should
give your best to them.
Damn, it's Thursday.
Weren't we supposed
to go bowling?
Ohh.
But I'm so comfy here,
and I'm already in my sweats.
But the great thing is
they love you
so you don't have to.
Ew. Who cut one?
Axl had the garlic fries.
No way.
Smells like a mom fart.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely a SBF--
Silent but Frankie.