The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 7 - Halloween II - full transcript

Halloween--

a time to dress up and show
another side of yourself,

or in Sue's case, six sides.

So? What do you think?

Oh... my... God.

Oh, wow, honey.

That's great,
and it's so... big.

Aren't you too old to still be
dressing up for hall-lame-ween?

It's a costume party, Axl,
so why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you just get lost

like all the rest of the dice
in this house? Hmm?



Have you given any thought on
how you're gonna fit in the car?

Carly's dad is taking us to
the party in his pickup truck.

He said I can ride
in the back. It's safe.

He's gonna strap me down
with a bungee cord.

It's them!

Oh, no!

Ohh! Come on, snake eyes!

Roll her again, roll her again.

Hey, you two. Stop it.

Pick up your sister and help
load her into the truck.

I'm just gonna say it.
I hate Halloween.

Well, you're about to
hate it a lot more.

We're stuck taking
Brick's social skills group

trick-or-treating next week.



Hmm. That doesn't sound like us.
How'd you get roped into that?

I was picking Brick up
and somebody said,

"wouldn't it be great if they
trick-or-treated together?"

And then everyone was talking
about which mom should go

and then they all looked at me
and said, "we know you work."

Sounds to me like
they were giving you an out.

No, they didn't say,
"we know you work."

They said, "we know you work...

And you're a bad mom and you
don't care about your kids."

Why do you do this to yourself?

Oh, come on. Like you've never
been guilted into anything.

Nope, 'cause I don't care what
other people think about me.

That's because
you're dead inside.

And I don't care that you
think that. See how that works?

Oh, hey, Sue.
How was your party?

Not great, dad. Not great.

Aw. Sorry to hear that.
Well, see you in the morning.

Hey, dad?
Can I ask you something?

Okay.

What do boys want?

Uh, you know, your mom
is just down the hallway.

It's just,
I went to this party,

and I guess I thought everyone
was gonna be in costume like me.

Aw, Sue, not again.

You got to check this stuff out
before you go.

No, everybody was in a costume,
just not like me.

How about Mr. Metzger
making us memorize

the whole opening
of "a tale of two cities"?

Definitely the worst of times,
am I right?

Aw, I bet they thought
you looked cute.

They used me as a table, dad.

I just felt like, I don't know,

everybody got some memo
or something that I didn't get.

I mean, since when
do you have to wear

a teeny catholic schoolgirl
outfit with fishnets

to have a conversation?

You know, your mom really
likes to chat at night.

Is that all boys like?
Is that all you liked?

She's not a deep sleeper.

You could just poke her.
She'll wake right up.

I just, I-I need some advice,
dad. What do you think?

Well, you know, honey,
uh, the thing is...

What I've found, uh, is...
Tomorrow's a new day.

No, no, no...

No, no, no...

Eh--no.

All right, I get it.
You're not feeling it.

So what do you want to be?

I think I'd like to be
a large leather-bound book

with pages that really turn.

On the pages, I want
illustrations and writing.

For font,
I'm leaning toward sanskrit.

You see any book costumes here?

They're not exactly
a hot seller this year.

Can't you just make me one?

Ah. Wrong family.

By the way,
I was thinking I'd rather not

go trick-or-treating
with the social group.

I sort of prefer
trick-or-treating by myself.

Yeah, well, Brick, that's
kind of why you're in the group.

But all the kids there
are just...

Kind of, I don't know, weird.

And I suppose
you got in there by mistake?

Hey, I am not the weirdest one.

But your teacher said
you're in the top five.

Listen, when you get
to seventh or eighth weirdest,

then we can talk.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Watch it.

Uh, I said I'm sorry.

Stupid lady.

Hey! I said I was sorry!

I said "I'm sorry" twice,

and then he calls me
"stupid lady."

I mean, isn't it
kind of a given in life

that when you say, "I'm sorry,"

the other person says,
"that's okay"?

Right, how hard is that?
"That's okay."

Here, turn around. I just
want to show you what happened.

No, that's all right.
I-I believe you. Okay, no, but--

you just pretend t-to be his cart...
Frankie--

and then I'll be my cart. I'll just show you how...
I got it. You don't have to show--

half of that, just like that.
Hey! Stupid lady.

Frankie, the guy was a jerk.
So what?

Shake it off. Who cares
what some idiot thinks?

I do.

You know what it is?
I'm just too nice.

Yeah. That's one theory.

(Man's voice moans
diabolically) Oh, hey.

Did you talk to Sue about
what we talked about last night?

We talked last night?

Yeah. I woke you up. We talked
for, like, ten minutes.

I told you, you can't talk to me
when I'm sleeping.

The seven hours
between bedtime and breakfast,

this world is dead to me.

Well, I guess the
girls at the party were dressed...

Sort of sexy and somebody
put a drink on her,

so she was kind of down.

Oh, no.

What did you say?
Did you tell her it's okay?

Did you tell her
she's beautiful?

Did you tell her there's
all these amazing boys out there

who will like her
for who she is?

Basically.

I told her
tomorrow's a new day.

"Tomorrow's a new day?"
That's what you told her?

What, it's not?

Look, this is your department.

Obviously, you've been
slacking off on the girl talk.

You really got to get on that.

Okay, that's fine, but you know,
studies show that girls

who are close with their fathers
start having sex later in life.

Hey, Sue. How's it going?

Uh... so listen, uh,
here's the thing.

You had some questions
the other night, and, uh,

if you're still interested,
maybe I can answer a few of 'em.

You know, if you have any.

If you don't,
that's--that's fine.

Oh, yes.
Yes, I have a ton of them!

Well, I don't know if we have
time for a ton.

Okay.

What do boys want?

Still stuck on that one, huh?

Is a rockin' bod
the most important thing?

You know what that is,
right, dad?

'Cause sometimes I think it is,

but do you not get any points
for being interesting?

And I mean, obviously,
having a rockin' bod

and being interesting
would be the best combo,

but if you're not,
are you just out of the game?

And what's the scale?

And how do you even
find this stuff out?

Oh, and do you think
my smile's too teethy?

Wow. Uh...

Do you want me
to say that again?

No. Um, look, Sue...

Some boys like...

Some things about some girls,

but then there are other girls
who have other things,

and the thing is,
what you want to do--

not now, but at some point
in the future--

is find... the person...

That likes the things
that you have that... are good.

Okay?

And tomorrow's a new day.

It's just, at my school,
people don't always, you know,

know who I am, and I've always
been pretty okay with that,

but now I'm in high school

and there's just
all these boys and--

and the girls are different
and the boys are different,

and I am just not
on anybody's radar

and I don't know exactly why.
Is it something I'm doing?

Is there something
I should be doing?

Uh, you know...

Maybe you could stop dressing
like a third-grader.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, Sue, I didn't--
I didn't mean--

no, you're right.
I get what you're saying.

You do?

Yeah! Yeah, you know, I-I've
changed a lot on the inside.

Maybe my outsides
haven't changed as much.

I gotta bring my inner Sue out,

like when Beyonce
became Sasha fierce.

Thanks, dad.

Okay, sure.

We can talk again,

but it feels like
we don't need to.

Is this a valid
Halloween costume?

I don't know.
What are you supposed to be?

I'm the ghost
of Ernest Hemingway.

Hemingway.

What's with the belt?

The sheet's too long,
and mom won't let me cut it

'cause it's the one we use
when grandma comes.

Look, I'm just trying
to get through the night.

You want some advice?

Take it, little brickster.

This man is legendary--

agility, speed,
candy-to-hand ratio...

Half the houses
in the neighborhood

would run out of candy
'cause of him.

Wait.

Hang on.
I'm getting an idea here.

What say we go trick-or-treating
after all?

We clean the neighborhood
out of candy,

then when they all run out

and have a bunch of crying kids
kicking their doors down,

we show up
and sell it all back to them.

We sell the suckers
back their suckers.

That's genius.

So that's a "yes"
on the Hemingway?

'Cause with a different belt

this could also
pass as salinger.

Hello?

So Sue took Mike's advice
to heart

and decided to have
her outsides match her insides.

"Teen Vogue" says
hats are really in.

I found this
is aunt Edie's closet.

Remember when I bought this
at that garage sale?

I didn't throw it out.

I didn't throw it out,
and ponchos came back!

Animal prints--

very hot for fall. Rawr!

Axl, is Sue, you know,
fitting in at school?

She's kind of
getting a pass right now

'cause everyone thinks
she's just one of those freaks

who likes to dress up
for the whole week of Halloween,

but if she carries this
into November,

I won't be able to help her.

Sue. Hold up a sec.

Check it out.

I turned a grocery bag
into a purse.

Yeah, that's great.

Listen, um, here's 20 bucks.

After school today,

maybe you could stop by the mall
and buy yourself a smart outfit.

Ask the girl for help.

Wow. Really? Thanks, dad!

Ask the girl!

Finally it was Halloween
and Axl and his buddies

were embracing
the spirit of the holiday

by setting out
to scam their neighbors.

Remember, just grab and go,
no chitchat.

Once we hit the whole
neighborhood, we come back here,

change into new costumes,
and go right back at it.

Wait. Instead of
putting on new costumes,

why don't we all just switch?

Because then we'll
just be three guys

with the exact same costumes.
That won't be any different.

I'm not following.

Just give it a second.

We could be here all night.
Let's go. Yeah.

Hey, dad.

So? What do you think?

Uh...

I went to the mall,

and I almost got this shirt that
said, "I believe I can fly,"

that had a hippo with wings,
but then the salesgirl said

this is more what
high school girls are wearing.

Do I look mature?

Did you see
what your daughter's wearing?

Here's the other thing.

His cart was in my Lane.
I had the right of way.

You gotta see
what your daughter's got on.

So you excited
for the party tonight?

Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be totally sick.

That's high school
for "awesome."

And check this out!
I just got this.

Wow, nice.

Well, have fun.

It's fine.

You really think that's fine?

She's wearing a t-shirt, Mike--
one that's actually in style.

What's wrong with it?

Hold on.

Hey.

Since it's Halloween, I thought
you might be wearing a costume.

I mean, uh, I liked
that big dice thing.

Costume party was last week.

This is just boys and girls

hanging out
in Melissa Thurston's basement.

Oh. Fun.

It's too tight,
it's too grown-up,

and she's going to
a party in a basement.

I know what goes on
at basement parties, Frankie.

I did some of my best work
in basements.

Get back in there.
Really look this time.

Hey.

Wow, you
guys must be really thirsty tonight.

Oh. These aren't for drinking.

We're, uh, dissolving mildew
off the bathtub.

Ohh.

Well?

You don't have a problem
with the shirt.

You have a problem
with what's inside the shirt.

She's growing up, Mike.
I don't know what to tell you.

I do. Let's stop it.

Look, I don't have
an issue with the shirt,

but if you do,
you're the parent, too.

You have every right
to tell her not to wear it,

and I'll back you up 100%.

I don't want backup.
I want you to be the bad guy.

Ohh. Honey.

I know,
and maybe if you had agreed

to go trick-or-treating
with the social group,

things would have
been different.

Before you get mad,
I cut my own sheets.

Ernest Hemingway
liked boats anyway.

Now let's get this over with.

Come on, Brick.
It's not gonna be that bad.

It was gonna be that bad.

Okay, everybody,
let's remember,

when we get outside,
we all have to stick together.

No wandering off.
This is very important.

Is everybody listening?

Nobody was listening.
Nobody was ever listening.

That's why they were
in this group.

How the hell
was I gonna do this?

Well, at a certain point,

the social group became
more of a social experiment--

how long could one woman
stay chained to six nutty kids

on Halloween before
she completely lost her mind?

Everybody thank the nice lady

for letting us all
use her bathroom.

Thank you!

I have to go the bathroom.

Theo, you were just in there.

I didn't have too then.

This isn't red.
I only like red candy.

I can't eat candy that's not red.
I have to have red candy.

Zack keeps purring,
Mrs. Heck!

Yeah, it's okay, Henry. He can
purr. Just means he's happy.

Anybody got a piece of red candy
they can trade with Scott?

My socks got dirty.

We need to stop
so I can put on my backup socks.

Still think
I'm in the top five?

Yep, it's no fun being a parent
when you gotta

tell your kid something
they don't want to hear...

Sue, hold on.
I gotta talk to you.

Please, not now.

I looked up the best time
to show up for a party

and right now we're in
the "casually cool" window,

but if we wait too much longer,
we'll be "party tardy,"

and I'll risk dissing my host.
We gotta go.

Especially when you don't
get to tell them.

Trick or treat?!

Thank you.

All right! Let's change costumes
and hit woodland circle again.

Come on!

Hey. What's going on,
little Gaga?

Someone just stole our candy.

What?
Who?

Stay here. Don't worry.
We'll get your candy back.

Let's do this.

Dad, you're driving so slow.

Slow or safe?

Come back here!

My shoes,
Mrs. Heck!

Okay. All right.

I can hear you.
Come on here.

All right, everybody just hold
on for one second, all right?

Ohh. All right, give me
a little rope here. Yeah.

Hey, hey, stop tugging, Scott.
We're not moving anywhere.

Everybody could just
stop moving, but no sitting.

Hey, ay. Would you stop
rubbing up against my leg, Zack?

You're not a real cat.

Can I have French fries?

Okay, Corey, for the last time--
nobody's giving out fries.

Those people were
just eating dinner.

Excuse me. We're trying to get by.
Oh, sorry.

Just give me a second.
Trying to get everybody up.

All right, guys, what did I say?
No sitting!

I have kids, too, and I'd never
let 'em get away with that crap.

Did you hear that?
Did you hear what she said?

Yeah. Why is she so mad?

What's going on?
What is wrong with people?

And then it hit me.

These kids have to learn to
be social and deal with people.

What kind of example would I
be setting if I just let this--

I'm just gonna say it--
stupid lady

get away with that comment?
I had to do something.

You know what? That woman
is not gonna ruin our Halloween.

We're going after her. Come on.

Citizens of Orson,
have no fear.

These stets are safe
once again.

Here you go, little ones.

That'll be 10 bucks.

Dude.

What? I thought
we were selling it back.

Wow. Thank you so much.
Say "thank you," Kevin.

Thank you, superheroes!

Hope we didn't mess up
your trick-or-treating.

Oh, we're not trick-or-treating.
We're too old for that.

Now stay in school
and eat your vegetables.

We're off.

Come on! Over the hedge!
We're jumping! We're jumping!

We're skipping houses!

We'll get 'em on the way back!

Around the tree!
Around the tree!

Let's work together!
Come on! I see her!

Hey. Hey.

Yes?

"You know, I said, 'm sorry,"

and when someone says,
"I'm sorry,"

do you know
what the correct response is?

"That's okay."

'Cause we're all out here
just trying our best,

and when you say
something nasty,

that affects people.
That hurts people.

For your information,

these kids all have
social problems, all of 'em.

Like, this one won't eat
anything that isn't red,

and this one here meows.
My son whispers--

I talk too loud and interrupt!

I got this, Henry.

The point is you don't know what
some mom might be dealing with,

'cause not every kid
is a perfect princess,

which is an adorable costume.

See? I'm spreading goodness
in the world,

not rudeness and judgment,

'cause a world where people don't say "that's
okay" after someone says "I'm sorry",

is not a world
that I want to live in.

I'm sorry?

That's okay.

I guess the thing is,
no matter what age we are,

we can all use
some social skills,

'cause like it or not,

we're all tied together
in this world.

Sometimes the things
that tie us together

are the things we're not
quite ready to let go of.

Trade you a rolo
for your skittles.

One rolo for 20 skittles?
That's a total rip.

Is not. Skittles are
a billion times smaller.

I don't know.

Thanks, dad.

Dad, you gotta unlock the door.

Sue.

Have a good time.

But sometimes
you gotta let 'em go anyway.

Oops.

I almost forgot my sweater.

You know what?
Guys are gonna love that.

Sure, it's scary as hell,

but as a wise man once said,
tomorrow's a new day.