The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Middle - full transcript
After being mortifyingly humiliated and grossed out due to a family member's actions, Frankie has a meltdown and decrees to the family that major changes need to take place in every aspect of the Heck household - and then packs up and abruptly leaves. But Frankie's not gone for good, as she heads to her mother's house for a little TLC and motherly advice to help her through the humiliation.
(Crow caws)
Sue, get out of my shower!
I'm not gonna wait anymore!
I got to get to work!
Sue: Can't!
Axl's hogging up our bathroom,
and I want to look good today.
Carly and I are gonna try to start
a flash mob in the cafeteria.
Ooh.
Someone's gonna
sell a car today.
Heh, how about you put some of that
hilarious energy into making lunches?
Ugh.
This dishwasher's getting worse.
I think it's actually
putting food on.
Uh, mom?
How long have you
known about this?
I don't even know what that is.
Why aren't you dressed?
It's some kind of catalog
called "Chow Down Chicago,"
where you can order food and they'll
deliver it to you... from Chicago.
Can I have it?
Sure, whatever. Knock yourself out.
Just get dressed.
Thank you.
What did he get?
What did you just give him?
Stupid old catalog.
I want an old catalog.
(Sighs)
Axl, what is the
matter with you?
We do not put shoes
where we serve food.
Hey!
Whoa!
Watch the hat!
I've been working this hat all
summer to arrive at the optimum
level of awesomeness-- the
shape of the brim, the degree
of fade-age, and look-- it gives me
the perfect amount of skull room.
Yeah, that's a waste of space.
Oh, my God.
Let me see that.
Pam Staggs is gonna be
on "Wheel Of Fortune"?
Hmm.
How'd she get on the "wheel?"
I know she moved to St.
Louis a while ago.
Do you think she went to
Hollywood, or did the "Wheel"
come to St. Louis?
They do that sometimes.
How'd Pam Staggs I went to high
school with get on the "Wheel?"
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
Who cares?
It's the "Wheel," Mike.
She could win a fortune
in cash and prizes.
Wow.
Pam Staggs.
She was a cheerleader,
always carried a lesportsac.
She had "pong" before anybody.
Ah, "pong."
Okay, everybody?
Listen up.
Tonight I'm rushing home, and between
7:30 and 8:00, that tv is mine.
Don't even think about
watching my tv.
Here.
I got to take a shower.
If I'm gonna sneak out an hour early,
I can't be more than an hour late.
(Sighs)
Holy crap.
Pam freaking Staggs
is on the "Wheel."
Mr. Ehlert: Hey there, frances.
Oh.
I was just getting
ready to head out.
I have something I
need to-- (Groans)
Let me ask you
something, frances.
Say you're me, and your wife is
asking you to go out to dinner
with your brother-in-law
you can't stand.
You work hard.
Well, not you, frances.
I mean me, in the story.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Let me give you the
back-story on this guy.
- About 10 years ago...
- Tv's mine!
Tell me I didn't miss it,
tell me I didn't miss it.
(Turns tv on)
Mom, do we want our wrigley
field popcorn bonanza filled
with caramel corn
or spicy ranchero?
Shh!
No food talk right now, brick.
Okay?
I'm starving, I'm dirty, and
I wanna watch the "Wheel."
I'm gonna have to
call you back, Carol.
(Wheel rattling)
(Gasps)
Yes!
Food!
Mmm.
Ohh.
Seriously?
I just bought this yesterday.
I just bought this yesterday!
(Applause)
Mom.
Shh.
Hang on, Sue.
She's about to solve the puzzle.
Oh, my God.
Did you just eat that?
(Buzzer, audience groans)
Relax.
Hmm?
There's hardly any left.
- You know, when I buy the good snacks--
- Axl clipped his toenails in there.
The chip bag.
Axl clipped his toenails
in the chip bag!
You just ate Axl's toenails!
I just what?
Aah!
(Screaming)
Oh, God!
Animal!
What happened?
What's going on?
Mom ate Axl's toenails.
What is wrong with you people?!
Damn it, Axl!
What?!
Mom ate your toenails!
(Laughs) Seriously?
You clip your toenails
into a chip bag?
Who does that?
What the hell is the
matter with you?!
What?!
You yell at me when I
leave 'em on the table.
You yell at me when I leave
'em in the chip bag!
God!
There's no pleasing you people!
What's going on?
Mom's wigging out 'cause
she ate my toenails.
What?
(Gags)
Axl clipped his toenails into
a chip bag, and mom ate 'em.
Stop saying it out loud!
What?
Axl, you what?
It's your fault, Axl.
Why'd you even clip your
toenails into a stupid chip bag?
I'm not the one on trial here!
Why don't you ask mom
why she ate them?
Yeah.
That's actually a good question.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe my life was going too
well, and I just wanted to feel
a little less human.
Ugh!
I can still taste
it on my tongue.
You know what might
get the taste out?
This Chicago bluesberry
cheesecake sampler.
I don't want to hear it!
Okay, all right,
everybody calm down.
Axl, apologize to your mother.
Why should I apologize to her?
She ate my toenails one time.
We eat her cooking every day.
(Chuckles)
I'm not laughing.
This isn't funny.
Pam Staggs, you just
won a million dollars!
Oh, my gosh, oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.
A million?
(Applause)
Okay.
I'm leaving.
(Axl scoffs)
What?
Dad.
Come on, Frankie.
You heard me.
Get out of my way.
I'm leaving.
- Mom...
- Come on.
Where you gonna go?
Anywhere but here,
that's for sure.
Stop it.
Come on.
What-- what are you doing?
Everybody's sorry.
Very, very sorry.
Good to hear.
Still going.
You know, I don't know where I'm
going, but I will tell you this.
There are gonna be some major changes
around here-- Major changes.
- Frankie...
- Major... (Whispers)
Changes.
Oh, my God.
Mom left.
She left.
What just happened here?
I don't know.
Mom ate some toenails
and took off.
Who knows what her problem is?
Can she do that?
Dad, is she allowed to do that?
Look, your mom's
had an experience.
She's obviously feeling something here,
and she probably just needs to cool off
a little.
And we're just
gonna let her go?
Oh, my God.
Why are we just standing here?
We need to go find her
and bring her back.
Mom's gone.
She's gone.
Our mother is gone!
She's not gone.
She's only got 12
bucks in her purse.
She can't get very far.
Actually, $10.
$8.
$6.50.
I want her back.
I don't want to
be a broken home.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
I think she took my hat.
- Axl...
- No, this is really bad.
I think when she was stuffing
things in her bag, she got my
hat in there by accident.
We have to go find it.
What if she puts it on her bumpy
mom head and stretches it all out?
No, what you gotta do is take
some time to think about what
we did as a family
that caused this.
Mom said "major changes."
Go to your room and you figure
out what kind of major changes
you all need to make, and
I'm gonna do the same.
Do you think she's
ever gonna come back?
I don't know, brick.
'Cause I was thinking maybe we can
get the family sausage pack now.
I was worried 'cause it's only for
four, but now with an even number...
Brick, shut up about your stupid
catalog and start thinking about my hat.
Shut up about your stupid hat
and your stupid catalog and
start thinking about mom.
Did you notice any strange
behaviour before this?
Did mom seem unhappy?
Pfft!
How should I know?
She's a mom.
I don't pay that much
attention to her.
Well, then maybe
that's the problem.
Maybe we don't pay
enough attention to her.
Did she seem especially
angry lately?
No, just her regular
amount of angry.
(Sighs)
Well, then what is it?
Dad said it's up to
us to figure this out.
(Sighs)
This is hard.
I've never thought of
mom as a person before.
Eric Carmen: ♪
all by myself ♪
♪ don't wanna be all by myself ♪
Well, we've been thinking, and
we've come up with some ideas,
you know, for changes and stuff?
Well, good.
Good.
Yeah, I've been
doing that, too.
(Sniffles)
We think we might need
to change her food.
You know, their dietary needs
do change as they get older.
She's not a dog.
Or maybe a multivitamin
or something.
She might need more iron.
That's it?
That's what you came up with?
That it's your mom's fault?
No.
(Clears throat)
We do have another theory.
How are things going
in the boudoir, dad?
You getting the job
done in there?
Wow.
The old man moves pretty fast.
(Groans)
So after three hours, I ended up
back where I started-- Home.
(Crying)
Mom.
Oh.
(Sobbing)
Don't you see?
This is everything!
My life is forever going to be
defined as before toenail and after.
"BT" and "AT," baby.
How do you go on after
something like this?
What are you supposed to do?
- Well...
- Well?
Ha!
You're stumped.
You don't have an answer.
Not like Pam.
She had an answer.
She only had a "p" and an "r,"
and she got "pardon my French,"
- and now she's got a million
dollars and I get-- - Wait.
What?
Who has a million dollars?
Pam, mom!
Pam Staggs!
Pam Staggs was
on the "Wheel?"
Well, she was always so bubbly.
They just like that
type on the show.
Is that good?
I mean, she wasn't even
that smart, right?
Mnh-mnh.
She was just pretty, and now
she's smart and pretty, and
she's driving a new Ford fiesta, and
I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!
(Stifles laugh)
Ohh.
Look at you, little ballerina.
You think you're gonna be a prima ballerina
in your little outfit, don't you?
But you're not.
Let me give you a piece of
advice-- Don't even bother
growing in those two front teeth,
'cause someday in your future...
You're just gonna use
'em to eat toenails.
Okay!
That's enough wine
for you tonight.
Let's get you off to bed.
And what about you
in the duck boat?
- You think you're so--
- That's your sister.
Let's leave her out of this.
I'm sorry!
I didn't know the garlic bread
still had plastic on it.
That's okay.
Not your fault.
Nobody ever taught you.
Why were you frying frozen
garlic bread anyway, doofus?
I don't know.
Okay, Axl?
I thought I saw mom do it once.
(Sighs)
I just miss mom so much.
Okay.
This may be controversial,
but I'm just gonna say it.
I like it better
with mom not here.
(Gasps)
Axl, you take that back.
You take that back right now!
Unh-Unh.
Dad, if you're willing to spring
on extra postage, we can
have the Mike ditka rib trio
here by tomorrow at 5:00.
I literally just need
a credit card number.
(Telephone rings, beep)
Hello?
Frankie: Hi.
It's me.
Hey, how are
things going there?
Thought I might have
heard from you earlier.
Ugh.
I just woke up.
No, brick.
We are not ordering
from the catalog!
I am going to make us food, and
it's gonna be delicious, okay?
Is that mom?
Ask her about my hat.
(Microwave oven beeps)
So how's it going there?
Good.
Good.
The kids are pretty much fixed, so
you can come home whenever you want.
(Children speaking indistinctly)
So when are you heading home?
I'm not sure.
What do you mean
you're not sure?
Mike... I... (Sighs)
I just need a minute.
A minute?
You been gone 23 hours.
That's a whole lot of minutes.
Listen, Frankie, the longer
you stay away from this place,
the harder it's gonna be to come back,
so just get in the car and come home.
I don't want you making the trip
when it's dark by yourself.
Mike, it's not just toenails.
It's my whole life.
I just need to re-evaluate.
Okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Was that mom?
Is she on her way home?
Not yet.
Well, when is she coming home?
I don't know.
So, uh, what's going on between
you two, you know, h-w-wise?
(Whistles)
Oh, my God.
She's not coming
home ever, is she?
We blew it.
Yeah, we had a mom,
and we blew it.
Stop it, Sue.
Your mom's coming back.
I just love mom so much!
I know at my age I'm
not supposed to.
All my friends complain about
their moms, so I lie and tell
'em I'm having troubles,
too, but I don't.
I love her more than ever!
This is weird.
They won't deliver to Nevada.
I mean, it's okay, 'cause
we're not in Nevada, but...
What do you think they
have against Nevada?
You want to know
what drove mom away?
It was you.
You get obsessed with something
no one else in the universe
cares about, and then you go on
and on and on about it, and mom
probably couldn't
take it anymore!
So that's why she left.
She left because of you!
And I've only had my
period for a month!
I need my mom!
Nice work, Sue.
Where you going?
I'm going to get your mom back.
- Oh, dad, ask her-- - I'm not
asking about the hat, Axl.
Brick?
Don't worry, Sue.
You won't have to hear
me go on and on anymore.
I threw the catalog out.
(Whispers) I'm lying.
Brick, I didn't mean it.
It's not your fault mom left.
No, you're right.
I drone.
And mom's always pretending
she's interested, not like dad.
It was probably my fault.
I'm the one who used
her shower yesterday.
That could have tipped
her over the edge.
But that's only 'cause Axl
was hogging up our bathroom.
You're right.
And let's not forget they
were Axl's toenails mom ate.
(Crunches)
Axl!
It was you.
It's all your fault mom left.
You're selfish and you're snarky
and you only think of yourself,
and mom was probably sick of it.
Well, you're an
embarrassing dork-cheese.
You think mom wants to
be associated with that?
You never empty the dishwasher,
no matter how many times mom asks!
That's because you never put
the dishes in it like you're
supposed to, and besides, you don't
do the laundry like she asks!
I don't know how to work it!
Don't pick on Sue.
You never take out the garbage.
Well, you don't do any chores.
You're always just
freakishly reading.
That's true, brick, and you
wander off at the mall and
scare mom half to death!
Well, at least I don't have braces
that are costing mom millions of dollars.
I have an overbite crossbite!
You don't tell mom you have a school
assignment until the night before!
You don't fill up
the ice cube tray!
You lick things
that aren't food!
You don't tell mom you love her!
None of us do that!
Maybe it's all of our fault.
Oh, God.
Brick's right.
We do need to make
major changes.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe we could pick up our
dirty clothes off the floor.
Yeah, and like, put 'em
in the laundry or something?
I know mom hates to dust.
If we dusted out, that would
probably make her really happy.
We could even clean
our bathroom.
Yeah.
(Inhales sharply)
On the other hand, what if dirty
clothes isn't her problem?
What do you mean?
Like, what if we did the laundry,
and that's not what's bothering her?
That's true.
We don't want to do extra stuff.
Yeah, or we don't clean the
bathroom the way she likes?
That could really set her off.
And we know she's
already unstable.
It could cause her
to take off again.
Look, if she really wanted us
to make changes, she should
have told us what they were.
We're not mind readers.
Yeah.
When you think about it,
it's sort of her fault.
So it's decided?
We do nothing?
Yep.
It's the only thing we can do.
Oh.
You're still in my pajamas.
It's okay if I stay
another day, right?
Of course, honey.
You are welcome to stay
as long as you need to.
(Chuckles)
But I do have bridge
club on Tuesday.
Thanks, mom.
I just don't think I'm
ready to go home yet.
Mmm.
(Laughs)
Frankie... you don't really think
your life is so bad, do you?
No.
It's good.
I know I should be grateful-- Good
husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah.
'Cause I know Pam Staggs
seems like she has it all,
but no one has it
perfect, Frankie.
Every mom has that moment where
she wants to get in the car,
drive to Kentucky, check into
the holiday inn with a bottle
of peppermint schnapps, and
watch all the "smokey and the
bandits" in one night.
Mom.
Really?
And you know what?
Halfway through "smokey 3," I
got sick of Burt Reynolds, I
missed my family, and I knew
it was time to go home.
(Sighs)
Oh, honey.
(Sighs)
It's just hard, 'cause right now
you're in the middle of it, but
if I could go back in time,
you know what I would do?
What?
I'd sniff the back
of your little neck.
(Chuckles)
You always had the sweetest
smelling little neck.
I don't think I spent nearly enough
time smelling the back of your neck.
But then I'd get the
hell out of there.
Mom.
Well, it's true.
Raising kids is hard.
Look, Frankie, here's the deal.
You're gonna have lots of
toenail moments-- lots and
lots of 'em-- but you're gonna
end up having more good moments
than toenail moments,
I promise you.
Okay.
And your kids are gonna grow
up, and your life is gonna get
easier, and they're only gonna
come and stay with you and
bother you just once
every so often.
(Chuckles)
Oh, God.
Honey, you got
to take a shower.
Sorry.
(Vehicle approaches)
(Gasps)
Oh, look who's here.
Your knight in shining armour has
come all this way to get you.
Really?
(Horn blares)
Oh, well.
Are you kidding me?
You honk?
You won't even get out of your car
to come to the door and get me?
I drove 120 miles!
Now go grab your baggie
and get in the car.
You haven't been
through it, Mike.
You're a non-toenail-eater.
You think other people don't
go through stuff like that?
When I lent Axl my car for prom, the
next day, I sat in his friend's vomit!
I didn't even tell
you about that!
But did I freak out
and leave my family?
No.
I hosed it down and
got on with my life.
'Cause that's what
you do, Frankie.
You power through.
I just need a minute to think.
No!
No more time to think.
You start to think and the
whole thing unravels.
Get in the car!
See?
This is my life.
My husband won't even come
to the door to get me.
I bet Pam Staggs'
husband wouldn't honk.
- Pam Staggs' husband would come to
the door and he-- - Oh, my God!
Are you still talking
about Pam Staggs?
Who cares about Pam Staggs?
You're a thousand times
prettier than she is!
I'll get my stuff.
(Telephone rings)
(Ring, beep)
Yeah?
Okay.
Sweet!
Yeah!
That was dad.
He and mom and my hat
are on their way home.
(Chuckles)
(Sighs)
Oh, my God.
What major changes can
we make in 30 minutes?
I'll get the clothes.
I'll do the dishes.
If mom comes home and sees
this, she's gonna leave again!
I don't know where
any of this goes!
Here, brick.
If you don't know here it goes,
throw it in the backyard.
What is this?
Another catalog?
Both: Brick!
(Gasps)
Wow!
(Door closes)
Look at this place.
Mom, we are so sorry.
We missed you so much.
Sue made a terrible mom.
Thank God you're back.
I'll never take you
for granted again.
Wow.
I mean, is this my house
or the Fairfield Suites?
(Giggles)
Ohh, you guys must have worked really
hard to get it looking like this.
I'm proud of you kids.
Very, very proud.
After that night,
there were changes.
Oh, not major changes,
but minor ones.
Mom.
I just want you to know, I took my
shower early so I wouldn't bother you.
Oh, and this fell off.
So if we order two of the
floating beverage book holders,
they're actually cheaper.
It's a catalog called
Hammacher Schlemmer.
(Whispers) Hammacher Schlemmer.
But that's okay, 'cause apparently,
I'm gonna miss all this crap one day.
(Sniffs and sighs)
(Whispers indistinctly)
Sue, get out of my shower!
I'm not gonna wait anymore!
I got to get to work!
Sue: Can't!
Axl's hogging up our bathroom,
and I want to look good today.
Carly and I are gonna try to start
a flash mob in the cafeteria.
Ooh.
Someone's gonna
sell a car today.
Heh, how about you put some of that
hilarious energy into making lunches?
Ugh.
This dishwasher's getting worse.
I think it's actually
putting food on.
Uh, mom?
How long have you
known about this?
I don't even know what that is.
Why aren't you dressed?
It's some kind of catalog
called "Chow Down Chicago,"
where you can order food and they'll
deliver it to you... from Chicago.
Can I have it?
Sure, whatever. Knock yourself out.
Just get dressed.
Thank you.
What did he get?
What did you just give him?
Stupid old catalog.
I want an old catalog.
(Sighs)
Axl, what is the
matter with you?
We do not put shoes
where we serve food.
Hey!
Whoa!
Watch the hat!
I've been working this hat all
summer to arrive at the optimum
level of awesomeness-- the
shape of the brim, the degree
of fade-age, and look-- it gives me
the perfect amount of skull room.
Yeah, that's a waste of space.
Oh, my God.
Let me see that.
Pam Staggs is gonna be
on "Wheel Of Fortune"?
Hmm.
How'd she get on the "wheel?"
I know she moved to St.
Louis a while ago.
Do you think she went to
Hollywood, or did the "Wheel"
come to St. Louis?
They do that sometimes.
How'd Pam Staggs I went to high
school with get on the "Wheel?"
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
Who cares?
It's the "Wheel," Mike.
She could win a fortune
in cash and prizes.
Wow.
Pam Staggs.
She was a cheerleader,
always carried a lesportsac.
She had "pong" before anybody.
Ah, "pong."
Okay, everybody?
Listen up.
Tonight I'm rushing home, and between
7:30 and 8:00, that tv is mine.
Don't even think about
watching my tv.
Here.
I got to take a shower.
If I'm gonna sneak out an hour early,
I can't be more than an hour late.
(Sighs)
Holy crap.
Pam freaking Staggs
is on the "Wheel."
Mr. Ehlert: Hey there, frances.
Oh.
I was just getting
ready to head out.
I have something I
need to-- (Groans)
Let me ask you
something, frances.
Say you're me, and your wife is
asking you to go out to dinner
with your brother-in-law
you can't stand.
You work hard.
Well, not you, frances.
I mean me, in the story.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Let me give you the
back-story on this guy.
- About 10 years ago...
- Tv's mine!
Tell me I didn't miss it,
tell me I didn't miss it.
(Turns tv on)
Mom, do we want our wrigley
field popcorn bonanza filled
with caramel corn
or spicy ranchero?
Shh!
No food talk right now, brick.
Okay?
I'm starving, I'm dirty, and
I wanna watch the "Wheel."
I'm gonna have to
call you back, Carol.
(Wheel rattling)
(Gasps)
Yes!
Food!
Mmm.
Ohh.
Seriously?
I just bought this yesterday.
I just bought this yesterday!
(Applause)
Mom.
Shh.
Hang on, Sue.
She's about to solve the puzzle.
Oh, my God.
Did you just eat that?
(Buzzer, audience groans)
Relax.
Hmm?
There's hardly any left.
- You know, when I buy the good snacks--
- Axl clipped his toenails in there.
The chip bag.
Axl clipped his toenails
in the chip bag!
You just ate Axl's toenails!
I just what?
Aah!
(Screaming)
Oh, God!
Animal!
What happened?
What's going on?
Mom ate Axl's toenails.
What is wrong with you people?!
Damn it, Axl!
What?!
Mom ate your toenails!
(Laughs) Seriously?
You clip your toenails
into a chip bag?
Who does that?
What the hell is the
matter with you?!
What?!
You yell at me when I
leave 'em on the table.
You yell at me when I leave
'em in the chip bag!
God!
There's no pleasing you people!
What's going on?
Mom's wigging out 'cause
she ate my toenails.
What?
(Gags)
Axl clipped his toenails into
a chip bag, and mom ate 'em.
Stop saying it out loud!
What?
Axl, you what?
It's your fault, Axl.
Why'd you even clip your
toenails into a stupid chip bag?
I'm not the one on trial here!
Why don't you ask mom
why she ate them?
Yeah.
That's actually a good question.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe my life was going too
well, and I just wanted to feel
a little less human.
Ugh!
I can still taste
it on my tongue.
You know what might
get the taste out?
This Chicago bluesberry
cheesecake sampler.
I don't want to hear it!
Okay, all right,
everybody calm down.
Axl, apologize to your mother.
Why should I apologize to her?
She ate my toenails one time.
We eat her cooking every day.
(Chuckles)
I'm not laughing.
This isn't funny.
Pam Staggs, you just
won a million dollars!
Oh, my gosh, oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.
A million?
(Applause)
Okay.
I'm leaving.
(Axl scoffs)
What?
Dad.
Come on, Frankie.
You heard me.
Get out of my way.
I'm leaving.
- Mom...
- Come on.
Where you gonna go?
Anywhere but here,
that's for sure.
Stop it.
Come on.
What-- what are you doing?
Everybody's sorry.
Very, very sorry.
Good to hear.
Still going.
You know, I don't know where I'm
going, but I will tell you this.
There are gonna be some major changes
around here-- Major changes.
- Frankie...
- Major... (Whispers)
Changes.
Oh, my God.
Mom left.
She left.
What just happened here?
I don't know.
Mom ate some toenails
and took off.
Who knows what her problem is?
Can she do that?
Dad, is she allowed to do that?
Look, your mom's
had an experience.
She's obviously feeling something here,
and she probably just needs to cool off
a little.
And we're just
gonna let her go?
Oh, my God.
Why are we just standing here?
We need to go find her
and bring her back.
Mom's gone.
She's gone.
Our mother is gone!
She's not gone.
She's only got 12
bucks in her purse.
She can't get very far.
Actually, $10.
$8.
$6.50.
I want her back.
I don't want to
be a broken home.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
I think she took my hat.
- Axl...
- No, this is really bad.
I think when she was stuffing
things in her bag, she got my
hat in there by accident.
We have to go find it.
What if she puts it on her bumpy
mom head and stretches it all out?
No, what you gotta do is take
some time to think about what
we did as a family
that caused this.
Mom said "major changes."
Go to your room and you figure
out what kind of major changes
you all need to make, and
I'm gonna do the same.
Do you think she's
ever gonna come back?
I don't know, brick.
'Cause I was thinking maybe we can
get the family sausage pack now.
I was worried 'cause it's only for
four, but now with an even number...
Brick, shut up about your stupid
catalog and start thinking about my hat.
Shut up about your stupid hat
and your stupid catalog and
start thinking about mom.
Did you notice any strange
behaviour before this?
Did mom seem unhappy?
Pfft!
How should I know?
She's a mom.
I don't pay that much
attention to her.
Well, then maybe
that's the problem.
Maybe we don't pay
enough attention to her.
Did she seem especially
angry lately?
No, just her regular
amount of angry.
(Sighs)
Well, then what is it?
Dad said it's up to
us to figure this out.
(Sighs)
This is hard.
I've never thought of
mom as a person before.
Eric Carmen: ♪
all by myself ♪
♪ don't wanna be all by myself ♪
Well, we've been thinking, and
we've come up with some ideas,
you know, for changes and stuff?
Well, good.
Good.
Yeah, I've been
doing that, too.
(Sniffles)
We think we might need
to change her food.
You know, their dietary needs
do change as they get older.
She's not a dog.
Or maybe a multivitamin
or something.
She might need more iron.
That's it?
That's what you came up with?
That it's your mom's fault?
No.
(Clears throat)
We do have another theory.
How are things going
in the boudoir, dad?
You getting the job
done in there?
Wow.
The old man moves pretty fast.
(Groans)
So after three hours, I ended up
back where I started-- Home.
(Crying)
Mom.
Oh.
(Sobbing)
Don't you see?
This is everything!
My life is forever going to be
defined as before toenail and after.
"BT" and "AT," baby.
How do you go on after
something like this?
What are you supposed to do?
- Well...
- Well?
Ha!
You're stumped.
You don't have an answer.
Not like Pam.
She had an answer.
She only had a "p" and an "r,"
and she got "pardon my French,"
- and now she's got a million
dollars and I get-- - Wait.
What?
Who has a million dollars?
Pam, mom!
Pam Staggs!
Pam Staggs was
on the "Wheel?"
Well, she was always so bubbly.
They just like that
type on the show.
Is that good?
I mean, she wasn't even
that smart, right?
Mnh-mnh.
She was just pretty, and now
she's smart and pretty, and
she's driving a new Ford fiesta, and
I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!
(Stifles laugh)
Ohh.
Look at you, little ballerina.
You think you're gonna be a prima ballerina
in your little outfit, don't you?
But you're not.
Let me give you a piece of
advice-- Don't even bother
growing in those two front teeth,
'cause someday in your future...
You're just gonna use
'em to eat toenails.
Okay!
That's enough wine
for you tonight.
Let's get you off to bed.
And what about you
in the duck boat?
- You think you're so--
- That's your sister.
Let's leave her out of this.
I'm sorry!
I didn't know the garlic bread
still had plastic on it.
That's okay.
Not your fault.
Nobody ever taught you.
Why were you frying frozen
garlic bread anyway, doofus?
I don't know.
Okay, Axl?
I thought I saw mom do it once.
(Sighs)
I just miss mom so much.
Okay.
This may be controversial,
but I'm just gonna say it.
I like it better
with mom not here.
(Gasps)
Axl, you take that back.
You take that back right now!
Unh-Unh.
Dad, if you're willing to spring
on extra postage, we can
have the Mike ditka rib trio
here by tomorrow at 5:00.
I literally just need
a credit card number.
(Telephone rings, beep)
Hello?
Frankie: Hi.
It's me.
Hey, how are
things going there?
Thought I might have
heard from you earlier.
Ugh.
I just woke up.
No, brick.
We are not ordering
from the catalog!
I am going to make us food, and
it's gonna be delicious, okay?
Is that mom?
Ask her about my hat.
(Microwave oven beeps)
So how's it going there?
Good.
Good.
The kids are pretty much fixed, so
you can come home whenever you want.
(Children speaking indistinctly)
So when are you heading home?
I'm not sure.
What do you mean
you're not sure?
Mike... I... (Sighs)
I just need a minute.
A minute?
You been gone 23 hours.
That's a whole lot of minutes.
Listen, Frankie, the longer
you stay away from this place,
the harder it's gonna be to come back,
so just get in the car and come home.
I don't want you making the trip
when it's dark by yourself.
Mike, it's not just toenails.
It's my whole life.
I just need to re-evaluate.
Okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Was that mom?
Is she on her way home?
Not yet.
Well, when is she coming home?
I don't know.
So, uh, what's going on between
you two, you know, h-w-wise?
(Whistles)
Oh, my God.
She's not coming
home ever, is she?
We blew it.
Yeah, we had a mom,
and we blew it.
Stop it, Sue.
Your mom's coming back.
I just love mom so much!
I know at my age I'm
not supposed to.
All my friends complain about
their moms, so I lie and tell
'em I'm having troubles,
too, but I don't.
I love her more than ever!
This is weird.
They won't deliver to Nevada.
I mean, it's okay, 'cause
we're not in Nevada, but...
What do you think they
have against Nevada?
You want to know
what drove mom away?
It was you.
You get obsessed with something
no one else in the universe
cares about, and then you go on
and on and on about it, and mom
probably couldn't
take it anymore!
So that's why she left.
She left because of you!
And I've only had my
period for a month!
I need my mom!
Nice work, Sue.
Where you going?
I'm going to get your mom back.
- Oh, dad, ask her-- - I'm not
asking about the hat, Axl.
Brick?
Don't worry, Sue.
You won't have to hear
me go on and on anymore.
I threw the catalog out.
(Whispers) I'm lying.
Brick, I didn't mean it.
It's not your fault mom left.
No, you're right.
I drone.
And mom's always pretending
she's interested, not like dad.
It was probably my fault.
I'm the one who used
her shower yesterday.
That could have tipped
her over the edge.
But that's only 'cause Axl
was hogging up our bathroom.
You're right.
And let's not forget they
were Axl's toenails mom ate.
(Crunches)
Axl!
It was you.
It's all your fault mom left.
You're selfish and you're snarky
and you only think of yourself,
and mom was probably sick of it.
Well, you're an
embarrassing dork-cheese.
You think mom wants to
be associated with that?
You never empty the dishwasher,
no matter how many times mom asks!
That's because you never put
the dishes in it like you're
supposed to, and besides, you don't
do the laundry like she asks!
I don't know how to work it!
Don't pick on Sue.
You never take out the garbage.
Well, you don't do any chores.
You're always just
freakishly reading.
That's true, brick, and you
wander off at the mall and
scare mom half to death!
Well, at least I don't have braces
that are costing mom millions of dollars.
I have an overbite crossbite!
You don't tell mom you have a school
assignment until the night before!
You don't fill up
the ice cube tray!
You lick things
that aren't food!
You don't tell mom you love her!
None of us do that!
Maybe it's all of our fault.
Oh, God.
Brick's right.
We do need to make
major changes.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe we could pick up our
dirty clothes off the floor.
Yeah, and like, put 'em
in the laundry or something?
I know mom hates to dust.
If we dusted out, that would
probably make her really happy.
We could even clean
our bathroom.
Yeah.
(Inhales sharply)
On the other hand, what if dirty
clothes isn't her problem?
What do you mean?
Like, what if we did the laundry,
and that's not what's bothering her?
That's true.
We don't want to do extra stuff.
Yeah, or we don't clean the
bathroom the way she likes?
That could really set her off.
And we know she's
already unstable.
It could cause her
to take off again.
Look, if she really wanted us
to make changes, she should
have told us what they were.
We're not mind readers.
Yeah.
When you think about it,
it's sort of her fault.
So it's decided?
We do nothing?
Yep.
It's the only thing we can do.
Oh.
You're still in my pajamas.
It's okay if I stay
another day, right?
Of course, honey.
You are welcome to stay
as long as you need to.
(Chuckles)
But I do have bridge
club on Tuesday.
Thanks, mom.
I just don't think I'm
ready to go home yet.
Mmm.
(Laughs)
Frankie... you don't really think
your life is so bad, do you?
No.
It's good.
I know I should be grateful-- Good
husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah.
'Cause I know Pam Staggs
seems like she has it all,
but no one has it
perfect, Frankie.
Every mom has that moment where
she wants to get in the car,
drive to Kentucky, check into
the holiday inn with a bottle
of peppermint schnapps, and
watch all the "smokey and the
bandits" in one night.
Mom.
Really?
And you know what?
Halfway through "smokey 3," I
got sick of Burt Reynolds, I
missed my family, and I knew
it was time to go home.
(Sighs)
Oh, honey.
(Sighs)
It's just hard, 'cause right now
you're in the middle of it, but
if I could go back in time,
you know what I would do?
What?
I'd sniff the back
of your little neck.
(Chuckles)
You always had the sweetest
smelling little neck.
I don't think I spent nearly enough
time smelling the back of your neck.
But then I'd get the
hell out of there.
Mom.
Well, it's true.
Raising kids is hard.
Look, Frankie, here's the deal.
You're gonna have lots of
toenail moments-- lots and
lots of 'em-- but you're gonna
end up having more good moments
than toenail moments,
I promise you.
Okay.
And your kids are gonna grow
up, and your life is gonna get
easier, and they're only gonna
come and stay with you and
bother you just once
every so often.
(Chuckles)
Oh, God.
Honey, you got
to take a shower.
Sorry.
(Vehicle approaches)
(Gasps)
Oh, look who's here.
Your knight in shining armour has
come all this way to get you.
Really?
(Horn blares)
Oh, well.
Are you kidding me?
You honk?
You won't even get out of your car
to come to the door and get me?
I drove 120 miles!
Now go grab your baggie
and get in the car.
You haven't been
through it, Mike.
You're a non-toenail-eater.
You think other people don't
go through stuff like that?
When I lent Axl my car for prom, the
next day, I sat in his friend's vomit!
I didn't even tell
you about that!
But did I freak out
and leave my family?
No.
I hosed it down and
got on with my life.
'Cause that's what
you do, Frankie.
You power through.
I just need a minute to think.
No!
No more time to think.
You start to think and the
whole thing unravels.
Get in the car!
See?
This is my life.
My husband won't even come
to the door to get me.
I bet Pam Staggs'
husband wouldn't honk.
- Pam Staggs' husband would come to
the door and he-- - Oh, my God!
Are you still talking
about Pam Staggs?
Who cares about Pam Staggs?
You're a thousand times
prettier than she is!
I'll get my stuff.
(Telephone rings)
(Ring, beep)
Yeah?
Okay.
Sweet!
Yeah!
That was dad.
He and mom and my hat
are on their way home.
(Chuckles)
(Sighs)
Oh, my God.
What major changes can
we make in 30 minutes?
I'll get the clothes.
I'll do the dishes.
If mom comes home and sees
this, she's gonna leave again!
I don't know where
any of this goes!
Here, brick.
If you don't know here it goes,
throw it in the backyard.
What is this?
Another catalog?
Both: Brick!
(Gasps)
Wow!
(Door closes)
Look at this place.
Mom, we are so sorry.
We missed you so much.
Sue made a terrible mom.
Thank God you're back.
I'll never take you
for granted again.
Wow.
I mean, is this my house
or the Fairfield Suites?
(Giggles)
Ohh, you guys must have worked really
hard to get it looking like this.
I'm proud of you kids.
Very, very proud.
After that night,
there were changes.
Oh, not major changes,
but minor ones.
Mom.
I just want you to know, I took my
shower early so I wouldn't bother you.
Oh, and this fell off.
So if we order two of the
floating beverage book holders,
they're actually cheaper.
It's a catalog called
Hammacher Schlemmer.
(Whispers) Hammacher Schlemmer.
But that's okay, 'cause apparently,
I'm gonna miss all this crap one day.
(Sniffs and sighs)
(Whispers indistinctly)