The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 24 - The Wedding - full transcript

(Crow caws)

Frankie: Summer's coming,
and that means one thing--

Time to kick back and enjoy the
fruits of your labour with three

months of stress-free living.

If you think you're laying around all
summer, you got another think coming.

You're getting a job.

My mom said the exact same thing, which
is kind of why I came over here.

I thought you were gonna
lifeguard at the pool again.

Dude, that job sucked.

My boss was always on me.

"That chair's not for sleeping.



Stop hitting on girls
and save that kid."

(Scoffs)

My boss sucked, too.

"Stop eating all the
bologna samples.

Don't make boobs
with the produce."

Yeah, mine was all,
"thanks for your great work.

We need a photo for your
'employee of the month' plaque."

(Scoffs)

Hey, I got an idea-- This
summer, why don't we ditch our

bosses and just start
our own business?

But who'd be the boss?

I vote all of us.

Nice!

Three-way co-bosses!



Boom!

(Chuckles)

Jobs.

I'm not kidding.

(Speaks indistinctly
in mocking voice)

Aw, look, Mike.

We got a wedding invitation.

(Mouth full)

We know anybody in love?

Uh, it's your brother.

Rusty?

Get out of here.

Rusty's not getting married.

Well, this says he is.

Hey, you never told me his
real name was Orville.

Oh, yeah.

I think I heard
that in court once.

Thought it was odd.

"Marlene Ludlow"?

Who the hell's Marlene Ludlow?

I don't know.

Well, how long have
they been dating?

I don't know.

Well, how'd they meet?

I don't know.

Honestly, I don't
get your family.

You don't know each other's
names, you don't know when

you're getting married...
Next weekend?

Your brother's getting married
next weekend, and we didn't

even know he was dating anyone.

Learn to share.

Look, we're not showboaters...
But yeah, that's definitely weird.

Uh, Mike, did you see
where he's having it?

Oh, no.

I'm not driving out of state.

Won't even have to
drive out of the garage.

Our house, Mike.

It says he's having the
wedding at our house.

What?

Yeah, look, that's our address.

That's where we live, right?

Are you sure you didn't
know about this?

Yeah, Frankie, I was just keeping
it a secret so I could surprise you.

Surprise.

Mike, we can't have a
wedding at this house.

I'm too ashamed to even open
the door for the UPS guy.

You've gotta talk to him.

Relax.

I will.

Seriously, who Springs a
wedding on someone at their

house without even telling them?

Orville.

(Sighs)

You're getting married.

Oh.

Well, when you know, you know.

"When you know"
what, "you know" what?

Rusty getting married.

Oh, yeah?

Does that mean I can
get my tire room back?

So you didn't know either?

Well, it's not
really my business.

Ah.

I don't want to pry.

So you're getting hitched, huh?

Any toaster on the
second floor is yours.

You see that, Mike?

That's the way you
congratulate a guy.

Don't tell me how to do things.

You didn't even ask me if you could
have your wedding at my house.

I had to find out
through the mail.

Are you sure I didn't ask you?

Who-- who was I talking
to about it, then?

Oh, I know.

It was the guy from
the liquor store.

Yeah.

His name's Mike, also, or Spike.

Anyways... Rusty, you're not
having your wedding at my house.

Come on, man.

That's what families are
for-- houses, kidneys.

You didn't even
show up at my wedding.

It wasn't at my house.

You know, listen.

Once old junkyard Joe kicks it
under a pile of newspapers,

we're only gonna
have each other.

You know?

I mean, you're
my brother, Mike.

You're my best man.

Yeah, y-you're the
best man I know.

(Thud)

How'd it go?

- Well...
- Oh, you did not.

What can I say, Frankie?

You do for family.

Oh, now you do for family?

You never want to do for family
when you have to miss a

football game to go visit my
sister, but all of a sudden,

you're captain do-for-family?

Do what for family?

Uh, having Uncle Rusty's
wedding here on Saturday.

(Gasps)

The wedding is happening
at our house?

Aah!

See?

Even Sue can see
it's ridiculous.

And-- and what do you
plan on feeding 'em?

Huh?

And how many people
are even coming?

You don't know.

I don't know.

Look, don't make a big deal.

It's Rusty.
(Sighs)

Just nuke some pizza
rolls and be done.

Oh, right, and let's
not even have plates.

People can just stand around in
the yard and graze like cows.

Don't worry, mom.

As the newest Heck
woman, I can help.

I'll go get my wedding notebook
from when I thought me and Matt

were gonna get married.

Uncle Rusty is getting
married here on Saturday.

Cool.

Take lots of pictures for me.

Yeah.

Why?
Where you gonna be?

I have a previous commitment
to an end-of-school party for

which I have already
RSVP'd "yes."

You want to go to a party?

With people?

You?

It's at Hayley's.

Oh.

The biter.

Oh.

Well, sorry, buddy,
but you can't go.

What?

But it's been on the
books for weeks.

And let's be honest-- I don't
make a lot of demands, socially.

Mike, you really think this
dump is fit for a wedding?

It's Rusty.

The man lived in a
tent for two years.

Then no reason he can't have
his wedding in said tent.

Small, intimate... sans me.

Look, we'll just do the
bare minimum, like always.

The bare minimum's for
our private lives, Mike.

We can't let others see
how we really live.

It's embarrassing.

Look, I don't like this, either, but
you, of all people, should get this.

You're the one who's always
saying you do for family.

I meant my family.

Good afternoon.

We're the bosses of Boss Co.,
and we're here to inform you

we've recently begun
services in your area.

Okay.

What do you do?

Uh, let me ask you a question.

What do you need done?

And we'll do that.

That's actually our motto.

And with Boss Co., you don't get
any employees-- just bosses,

bringing the savings
to you, the customer.

I'll give you $100
to remove that stump.

(Scoffs)

I'm sorry.

I thought you said, $100.

I did.

(Lowered voice)

Ohh.

Hi, Hayley.

I wanted to talk to
you about your party.

Oh, yeah.

I'm really glad you'll
be there, Brick.

The bouncy house starts at 4:00,
then the ice cream sundaes,

then from 5:00 to 7:00,
we're having a bookmobile.

I am not coming to the wedding.

I will not be having
the beef or the fish.

You're coming, and it's hilarious
you think there's a choice of food.

It's gonna be pinwheels
from the Frugal Hoosier.

But there's gonna
be a bookmobile.

I don't think you get this.

I'll be moving with books.

Sorry, Brick-- your weird Uncle's
getting married, and you gotta be there.

That's the last word.

Fine, then this will be my
last word, because I'm never

speaking to either
of you ever again.

Farewell.

Actually, that's not a
very good last word.

"Farewell" has been a lot of people's
last word, but it will not be mine.

I'm gonna go think of a more haunting
last word and then say it to you.

Until then, good day...
Which is not my last word.

Mom?

What are you doing?

"What am I doing"?

There's 50 people coming
here, Sue-- 50 people.

That's a hundred
eyes judging us.

99 if you count Uncle Burt.

Well, not to worry.

I know we're in crunch mode,
so I called in the cavalry.

(Door closes)

Hi, Mrs. Heck.

I just have one question--
what is your flower budget?

Whatever we can steal from the
park without getting caught.

(Whistling)

Axl?!

Axl!

(Objects clatter)

I need you to get your crap
out of here so I can see the

underneath crap
I'm dealing with.

Oh, my God.

Everything looks a thousand
times worse from up here.

Mom.

Brad has so many great
wedding ideas for a boy.

Wow.

I'll bet he does.

You know, if you really want to
help, that stupid porch light

has been out for five years,
so go buy me a new light bulb.

And I just flung a fly-covered
sponge over, and I think it

landed on Brick's sandwich.

Can you get that for me?

Okay, but that's
not very wedding-y.

Fine.

You can also pick up the cake.

Aah!

We scored cake duty?!

Aah!

The sweetest of duties.

When's it ready?

What time should we pick it up?

I don't know, Sue!

You're supposed to be helping!

Just figure it out!

Ew!

Who put a band-aid on here?!

(Gasps)

(Glass shatters)

(Sighs)

Oh, right.

(Sighs)

All right!

Let's grip it, rip
it, and lunch it!

Hah!

(Crack)

(Grunts)

Oh!

Okay.

Wait, I got it.

Boss train!

I get behind Darrin.

Sean, you get behind me.

On three, we pull!

One, two, three!

(All grunt)

Come on, boss train!

We can do it!

D'oh!

I think it moved.

No, that was my
shoulder popping out.

Oh.

Ooh.

Okay.

Uh, on three...
Push Darrin's shoulder back in.

One, two, three.

(All grunt)

D'oh!

(Grunts)

So with only two days left
till the big day, it was time

for Rusty's bachelor party...
While I was in the kitchen,

getting to know the
blushing bride.

So hi, sister-in-law.

(Laughs)

(Clink)

Oh, and just so you know, by Saturday,
this will all look so much better.

Oh... (Scoffs)

Thanks for doing this.

- I mean, we were this close to
going to Vegas, so... - Really?

That close?

Yeah.

Oh.

So... how'd you meet Rusty?

(Chuckles)

Oh, well, uh, he drove through
my tollbooth one day, short a

quarter, so I loaned him one.

Then the next week, he
borrowed another one.

Then the next week
and the next week.

Then he took me out for a beer, I
slept with him, he passed out,

and I got my dollar back.

Oh.

So you got a dress?

Oh, I'm just gonna wear the
one from my first wedding.

I didn't like number two, and three
was just a bikini, so... oh, wow.

You got married on the beach?

No.

You guys need anything?

(Tv playing indistinctly)

Hey.

Look at us, huh?

Three dads.

"Dads"?

Oh.

- She's...
- No!

Shame on you.

We're not even married yet.

No, no.

She has, uh, a
couple of teenagers.

I didn't do it.

Another guy did it.

Actually, two other guys.

(Raises voice)

Hey.

Hey, dad.

You're gonna be a grandpa.

I'm already a grandpa.

(Chuckles)

Well, you know what I mean.

Nobody knows what you mean.

Look, Rusty... having teenagers--
It's a lot to take on.

Really?

Well, the boy's an All-Star
basketball player, and the

girl's a straight-"A" student, so I
think I'm doing something right.

Oh, yeah?

What are their names?

Well, I'm not quite sure,
but I do know that one is all

white, and one is
pretty much white.

Well, I've decided on my last word,
and that word is... "Pusillanimous."

(Whispers) Last word.

Shoot.

Aah!

(Grunts)

(Grunting)

(Grunts)

Gotcha.

I wonder if Marlene has any idea
what kind of a moron she's marrying.

Well, she's a bit
of an odd-y herself.

I feel like we should warn one
of 'em, but I don't know which.

You should just have heard
Rusty going on like he's dad of

the year or something.

Well, it's Rusty.

Nothing he says or
does makes any sense.

Why is this
bugging you so much?

'Cause I've been a dad for 17
years, and he's been one for what?

11 days?

And he acts like
we're the same.

He's got no idea.

Being a dad takes hard work
and patience... yeah, yeah.

Last word.

Go to bed.

I mean, if he thinks raising kids is
easy, he's in for a real shocker.

Wait a second.

Did you plant any
doubt in his mind?

You better not have, 'cause I
just spent all day covering the

cracks in the ceiling with Wite-Out,
so this wedding better be happening.

Relax.

It's happening.

Frankie, I told you not to
go crazy with this thing.

Why are you going crazy?

Because I just...
I just want our house to look nice.

I mean, I look around,
and it's just... scary.

The way it creeps up on you,
bit by bit, and year by year,

everything around you just
crumbling, and you see those

pictures in the magazine, and
their homes look so nice, and

you think, "ooh, maybe I'll put
a vintage green bowl of fruit

on the kitchen table, like Goldie Hawn,"
and you try it, and you know what?

You realize your fruit is never gonna
look like Goldie Hawn's fruit.

I'm never gonna have
Goldie Hawn's fruit, Mike!

Never!

And... that's just my life!

Frankie, you
just need to sleep.

You're right.

I know.

No more being nuts, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

I think this might be a
bigger job than mom thought.

Keep peeling!

The wedding's tomorrow!

Yeah, enough for a
medium-sized dining room.

Two weeks?

For any wallpaper?

But you're wallpaper world!

Well, not much of
a world, are you?

Hello?

Ah!

I think got the hang of this!

Stop peeling.

We gotta put it all back up.

What made you think you could
repaper an entire room in one day?

What made you think we could
throw a wedding in one week?!

Mom, it's gonna
be totally fine.

David Tutera of "My Fair
Wedding" does this all the time.

Well, where is he?

We still have everything to do-- Put out
the chairs, decorate the mailbox...

Did you get the new light
bulb for the patio?

Oh.

I meant to ask you-- do you
want the regular kind, or the

squiggly pigtail
energy-saver kind?

- And they come in different colors--
Pink, yellow... - I don't know, Sue.

I can't hold your hand
on every decision.

Figure it out.

Oh, and, Mike.

I heard something else drop
into the pool last night.

Seriously, how many squirrels have
to die before we get a cover?

More... little more... little more...
Eh, just dump the whole thing.

(Match sizzles)

(Boom)

So the big day had arrived, and
things were finally under control.

Are you sure this
is a wedding cake?

Yeah.

And this serves
50 to 60 people?

Depends on how you slice it.

It's just-- I'm pretty sure my mom never
would have ordered a hamburger cake.

On any other day, I'm sure she
would find this hilarious, but

we have a wedding in four hours.

You gotta make me a new one.

Sorry.

Baker's out today.

Oh, my God, Sue.

This is a disaster.

We gotta call your mom.

No, we don't, Brad.

WWDTD?

"What would David Tutera do"?

Exactly.

He'd figure it out.

We're down 20 bucks for shovels,
60 bucks for axes, and 30 bucks

in gas and burn cream.

We gotta get this thing
out just to break even.

Don't forget the 15 bucks for
t-shirts, which were Sean's stupid idea.

Better than your
stupid frisbee idea.

Frisbees are whimsical and
would get our message out to

the college community!

Dudes!

Listen to us!

We're turning into the
very bosses we hate.

Axl's right.

Sorry, Darrin.

(Sighs)

Let's all bring it
in for a boss hug.

With less than an hour till
the wedding, all that was left

were a few tiny details.

Did you put the chairs out?

I put out the chairs.

Four rows of five,
or five rows of four?

Oh, my God!

The ice!

The ice!

I got the ice, Frankie.

The chairs, the table, the
ice-- It's all out there.

Okay, I'll give you one last
chance to avoid the last word,

because you do not
want the last word.

It will go through you like
a permanent pain arrow.

- Brick, you're not going to the party,
and-- - What if I get a ride back?

- What if I take a piece--
- Brick, enough!

(Pants)

- Wrong cake... hamburger...
- What if-- What if I skip the ceremony...

Guy was like, "I'm so sorry,"

and I was like, "no, no, no."

And make it back
for the reception?

Baker gone-- Three different stores
-- Hungarian bakery-- Plain cake...

Picked flowers-- Decorated
ourselves-- Figured it out!

Whew!

Isn't it pretty?

Where's the light bulb?

Hamburger.

Sue, I've been telling you all week--
Light bulb, light bulb, light bulb!

Fine!

(Sighs)

Psycho.

Hey.

Don't talk to
your mom that way.

- But she doesn't even care about--
- And don't talk back to me.

(Sobbing)

You happy?!

Now you made her cry!

I was defending you!

"Psycho"-- Now
that's a last word.

All right.

Gun it!

(Engine revs, tires screech)

If I got you your light bulb,
then can I go to the party?

Damn it, Brick, I don't
have time for this!

People are gonna be
here any second!

Hi.

(Door closes)

Am I early?

Wow.

Your wallpaper's sagging.

(Engine revs, tires screech)

More, ax!

Frankie, stop.

We're out of time.

Darrin: Go, go, go!

(Tires screech)

It's fine!

Everything is fine.

Aah!

(Tires screech, crash)

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here in the presence

of God and these witnesses, to
join together Orville Rusty Heck

and Marlene Kiki Ludlow
in holy matrimony.

...so remember, marriages are made in
heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

(Laughter)

Now how about a few
words from the groom?

Uh, thanks.

Now the groom's father?

Ditto.

And finally, the groom's
brother and best man, Mike.

Same here.

(Scattered applause)

You know, uh... I do actually have...
Something to say.

Um, growing up as, uh, Rusty's
big brother, I was always

having to teach him things that
I learned before him-- how to

tie a fishing fly, how to to slide
belly-first into home plate...

Anyway, the other day, when he
said that he was now gonna be

part of a family, I figured, well, maybe...
There's a thing or two I could

tell him about that.

'Cause see, Rusty, family...
(Clears throat)

Isn't easy.

Kids think they don't get to do
what they want, but the truth is

parents don't get to do
what they want, either.

Parents gotta drive kids around
and help 'em with their homework

after a long day at work.

You think we like doing that?

But that's family-- A bunch of
people not doing what they want.

I'm--I'm--I'm getting there.

See... (Sighs)

You're gonna piss
each other off.

You're gonna say horrible
things, you're gonna make each

other cry, 'cause there's no
one in the world that'll make

you more miserable
than your family will.

(Indistinct conversations)

I'm getting there.

See, I don't even get to
give the toast I want.

(Laughter)

My point is, we're all gonna
die, and we're all gonna have a

gravestone with a dash on
it-- "1942 dash 2016,"

"1963 dash 2038"-- And
that dash represents your

life, and the thing I know for
sure is, 'cause of these four

people right here, my family...
(Clears throat)

Is that that dash will have meant
something... and, Rusty, I wish that for

you, too.

That's it.

I told you I was getting there.

(Stevie Wonder's "For
Once In My Life" playing)

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ someone I've needed so long ♪

♪ for once, unafraid ♪

♪ I can go where life leads me ♪

♪ somehow I know
I'll be strong ♪

You know, for all our house
has been through this year, I

think it looks pretty
great tonight.

It's a good house.

♪ Ohh, someone warm like you ♪

Here's the thing--
Family is like a stump.

Sometimes it's an eyesore,
sometimes it drives you nuts,

but when you really get in there--
All those tangled roots

going back years and years-- you
can try cutting it, burning

it, even ripping it out with
chains, but if it's a strong

stump, it's not going anywhere.