The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Telling - full transcript

Since the dawn of time,

kids have been trying
to get away with stuff,

and ours is no exception.

Whoo! Oh!

Best... day... ever!

Long story short,
I still hate dodgeball.

What about you, Axl?
How was your day?

Whatevs.

In two years, we're gonna be

releasing you into society,
so here's a little tip--

"Whatevs" is not
the answer to any question.



Fine. School.
Homework. Whatevs.

Mm, speaking of homework,

the next time you want
to take our desk chair

out on the open road,

you might want to register it
at the DMV first.

You did what?
I just bought that chair.

You could have
killed yourself, Axl.

Yeah, that, too.

It was perfectly safe.

I was strapped in
with bungee cords

and the belt
from Darrin's dad's robe.

How'd you find out
about this, anyway?

How many times do I have to
tell you? Moms know everything.

Try another stooge move like
this again, and you can forget



about going to the lake
with Sean and Darrin.

No! You can't take
the lake away from me.

I've been working
on my abs all winter.

I'm not taking it
away from you yet.

If you want to go to the lake,
don't do any more stupid stuff.

It's in your control.

How is that in my control?

And it's not only the ones
who you expect that screw up.

Sometimes
it's the good ones, too.

So the next night,
we found ourselves

in the same place
with a different kid.

I just don't understand
why I need to learn this skill.

Outside of gym class, when will
I ever need to dodge a ball?

You just gotta
get through it, Brick.

Look, when I was
in fourth grade,

I got beaned
on the side of the head,

and to make it worse,
I was wearing my mom's earrings.

I probably had it coming since
I borrowed 'em without asking.

Okay! I'm sorry
I took your earrings.

I know you know,
so please stop torturing me.

Of course I know.

You have to do more than refluff
the carpet to get one by me.

When are you gonna
realize she's got eyes

in the back of her head?
How many fingers?

Three.

I'm sorry, mom.

I just wanted to try them out.

Brad and I are doing
our team sober

non-texting-and-driving
performance at the mall,

and I'm playing
a high-powered businesswoman

who thinks
the rules don't apply to her.

Well, around here,
the rules do apply to you,

and if you don't follow 'em,
there's gonna be consequences.

Yeah. I say we make her
take a run through slap alley.

I call butt and face.

You're right.
Sorry I took the earrings.

I'm going to my room
without dinner.

And I'll go to my room
with dinner.

Sit down. Now everybody drink
their milk. It expires today.

Yep. It's nice to be able
to scare people.

Sure beats being scared.

All right, listen up,
space-wasters.

In case
you're not clear on this,

this is not a parking lot.

You can actually sell
those cars out there.

And don't whine
to me about the economy.

My wife's paint-huffing brother
just got a job, so it's back.

Now I want to hear
some ideas. Pete?

Nothing. Bob. Nothing.

Fish-Face. Nothing!

Sir, that--
That was a customer.

You know,
the Indy 500 is coming up.

What if we had a radio station
broadcast live from the lot

and tied it in with the race?

Hmm. Interesting.

Pete, you want to repeat that
in a man's voice

so I can see if I like it?

I can do it, sir.

I said, "a man's voice."

You know what? Forget it.
I love the idea.

The Indy 500.

We go live on the radio

and promise to sell
500 cars in 5 days,

and if it doesn't work,
it's your fault.

- But-- - "But" nothing! Now
somebody go sell Fish-Face a car.

Axl? Can I ask you a favor?

Sure. Why not?

- Will you--
- No.

Brad and I really need
a ride to the mall tomorrow

for our anti-texting-and-driving
performance.

Lives are depending on it.
Will you please drive us?

Will you make me a sandwich?

Ugh. Fine.

- Then he says...
- "'But' nothing!

Now go sell Fish-Face
a car."

Who's Fish-Face?

Ah, some customer.
Doesn't matter.

He look like a fish?

So we need to be
at the mall by 3:45.

Good luck with that.

Axl.

What? I said,
"Will you make me a sandwich?"

I didn't say I'd drive you.

That is so not fair.

Fine. Get me some chips.

Did he have bulging eyes?
Is that what it was?

I don't know. He had
a fish-like essence, okay?

The point is I don't have time
to sell 500 cars.

I got a lot going on this week.

I have to be at Brick's school
on Friday for Parent Night.

Ah.

Thank you for the chips.
Have fun walking to the mall.

Axl!

W-- I cannot believe it.
You are so selfish!

Axl? Are you okay?

Pop. Pop.

I don't get why you're stressing
out about Parent Night.

Says the man who's never gone.

It's called "Parent Night,"
not "Parents Night."

If they wanted us both to go,

they'd have put
another "S" in there.

It's almost too easy.

Oh, Axl. You!

Axl, I really need
to go to the mall!

It's the meeting where
they do all the sign-ups...

For the end-of-the-year
volunteering, and every year,

I get screwed with a crappy job,
but not this year.

This year, I'm getting
paper goods if it kills me.

Shop and dump, baby.
Shop and dump.

Hey, mom?

I'm gonna turn in for the night,
so you want to settle up?

Oh. Okay.

All right.

Oh. That's the stuff.

See you in the morning.

Okay.

I got a bunch of questions.

They're candy cigarettes.

Yeah. I connected those dots
when he ate one.

What are they for?

Information.
He told me about Axl and Sue.

Wait, what?

Yeah, you know,
the desk chair and the earrings?

How do you think I find out
about stuff around here?

So wait a minute--
Brick is a snitch?

I prefer the term
"whistle-blower."

I can't believe this.

Hey. I didn't hear you
complaining when I busted 'em.

That's because I assumed you
were busting 'em with integrity.

Now I know you just
stock up on smokes

and dispatch
your little flying monkey.

Look, Mike, they're young,
they're crafty,

and there's more of 'em. We need
every advantage we can get.

It's just not right, Frankie.

And what if they find out about
your little system? Then what?

They're not gonna find out,

because you're
the only one who knows,

and I think we've established
that you don't like tattling.

I have a gun! No, I don't
believe in guns. I have a stick!

God. You're even a dork
when your life is threatened.

Axl, w--

It's 1:00 in the morning.
Where were you?

Dad said,
if you mess up one more time,

you're not going to the lake.

I was at Darrin's, playing
Halo and eating cereal.

Now are you gonna
be cool about this,

or you gonna be
a snitch like Brick?

Brick's a snitch?

Apparently, he's been doing
mom's dirty work for years.

I overheard mom and dad
fighting about it.

Wow.

Look, I need to know

you're not gonna
tell mom and dad about this.

And I need to know

that you're gonna drive me
and Brad to the mall tomorrow.

Why would I drive
you and Brad to the-- Ohh.

♪ if you're
looking down to read a text ♪

♪ you won't see
what happens next ♪

Aah!

'Cause you're dead, you're dead,
you're d-d-d-d-dead!

This is so exciting.
I feel like I'm backstage.

You know, technically,
backstage would be in the trunk.

If you guys want
to go back there,

I'll totally let you out
before you suffocate.

Sue. Vocal exercises.

Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.

Gutta-butta, gutta-butta,
butta-gutta, butta-gutta.

Mee-moo,
tee-too, bee-boo, gee-goo.

Kill me, kill you,
kill he, kill Sue.

Okay, Axl. You can pick us up
right here after the show.

We'll probably be
about an hour and a half

unless we do an encore.
Oh, who am I kidding?

Of course we're gonna do an encore.

Don Ehlert here,

and this place is
swarming with customers,

so get on down here
and get yours

while the getting is good.

7 million people
watch the Indy 500,

and you couldn't get one of them
down here with your dumb idea.

Yeah. At least I had something.

Fish-face had
more ideas than you.

So zoom on down to Ehlert Motors
before all the deals are gone.

How do you
go to music on this thing?

Come on, music, music.

♪ we're here at Ehlert's ♪

♪ and we're selling
lots of cars ♪

♪ there's a really cool
yellow one ♪

♪ and we got other colors ♪

♪ if yellow's not your thing ♪

That... was... amazing.

Oh, do you think they liked it?

Are you kidding? Some of 'em
even slowed down to watch.

The death montage was
the best I've ever seen it.

Oh, when you rode the escalator

as if it was taking you
to heaven-- Goosebumps.

We are gonna rock that gig
at the senior center tomorrow.

I'm just gonna leave
my dance shoes in the car.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not
driving you anywhere else.

The show is at 3:45, so we
should probably leave by 3:00.

After all, we wouldn't
want to be lake. Ooh.

I am on a serious performance
high. I cannot go straight home.

- Who's down for some...
- Fro-yo?

Aah!

Just when I'd reconciled myself
to losing my job,

things started to pick up,

and it looked like
I was gonna have to keep it.

So come on down to Ehlert's

before all the deals
go racing away!

I'm sorry.

Did I ask for an impression
of the world's loneliest cat?

Mr. Ehlert, by any chance,
did you promise customers

they could take a ride
in an Indy car?

You bet I did.

Do we have an Indy car?

No, we do not.

Just tell 'em it's out on a run
and they're next in line.

Mr. Ehlert,
you're better than that.

Now you need to get
on that radio right now

and tell people
we don't have an Indy car.

We're back, sir.

Uh, folks,
I need to clear something up.

Uh, we do not have an Indy car.

We got two Indy cars
and a hot air balloon!

So come on down,
bring the kids,

and take a magical tour
over Orson.

Is mom home yet?

Nope. What's up?

Well, I don't have
all my intel yet,

but I think Sue may be
blackmailing Axl.

Not interested.

But I just saw him
making her--

Not another word.
I don't want to hear it.

Suit yourself. The candy
cigarettes are behind the bread.

I'll take two bubble gum
and one mint.

You mean these?

Those are the ones.
Come to papa.

What's going on?

What's going on is
I don't reward my kids

for ratting each other out,
so you're not getting any candy.

Dad, you don't get it.

I give mom information--
She gives me candy.

I give it to the bullies
at school--they leave me alone.

There's a whole fragile
ecosystem you're messing with.

Look...

Ecosystem.

Brick, let me
tell you something.

Tattling is wrong,
and it's a weenie thing to do,

and if you keep on doing it,

you're not gonna
be very popular.

I'm not very popular now.

That's kind of
why I need the candy.

Well, your bribing days
are over.

But mom says telling on people
is a good thing.

She said any parent
who doesn't want to know things

is living in denial.

Really?

You want to know
what else she said?

No, actually, I don't.

It's about you.

Don't care.

Pretty juicy.

Still don't care, 'cause it's
tattling, and tattling is wrong.

I'm confused.

You're telling me
to do one thing,

and mom's telling me
to do another.

Who should I listen to?

Well, that depends.

Do you want to be a flying
monkey mama's boy snitch?

Or do you want to be a man?

Wow. Mom was right about you.

Still don't care.

Unfortunately, things didn't
get any easier for Axl,

not with a sister
drunk with power.

Good afternoon, jeeves.

So where
do you guys want to go today?

- Fro-yo!
- Mall.

Movies!
We can do all three!

Yep, she really pushed it.

- I'm late for my voice lesson.
- Hit it.

Then she pushed it some more.

Arcade, please.

Who are you?

Some girl in my science class

said you'd take me
wherever I wanted to go.

If you say, "no,"
she said to say, "lake."

Hello?

Hi. It's me. It's crazy here,
so I can't leave.

It looks like you're gonna have
to go to Brick's Parent Night.

Parent Night?

Really? Come on.
It's everything I don't like.

It's parents, it's night,
it's not in our living room...

Hey, it's not like I'm out

sucking down margaritas
with the girls.

I'm trying to sell 500 cars,
and so far we've only sold 4...

Hundred. Yeah,
they're going like hotcakes.

Now listen.
They put out

the volunteer sign-up sheets

after the teacher's speech,

so make sure you sign us up
for something good.

I'm not scraping gum
another year.

Don't worry, Frankie.
I think I can

sign a clipboard.

I'm not paying you
to yap on the phone, chatty.

Now make me another hot dog.

Double relish.

Brick.

Get your coat.
We gotta go to your school.

No, thanks. I've got
a pop-tart in the toaster.

That wasn't a question.

You know, I'd let you
stay here alone, but I'm afraid

you'd rat me out to mom.
Something to think about.

Oh, g--

Looking for these?

Uhh!

Carly's house, please.

No way!
I can't take it anymore!

You've stolen my time, my gas,
and it'll probably take

a team of scientists to get
the loser smell out of my car.

Fine.
It's too bad, though,

'cause there's only one more day
till your trip to the lake.

Oh, it'd be a shame
if you didn't get to go.

Of course I want you to go,

but I just don't think mom
and dad will see it that way.

Hello?

How's it going?

Have they put out
the sign-up sheet yet?

Where are you sitting?

Uh, I'm at Brick's desk,
in the world's tiniest chair.

What? No, no, no.
You have to be up front.

That's where the clipboards
are gonna be. Move up now.

Okay, okay, relax.

Has the teacher
started talking yet?

- Not yet.
- Okay, listen.

The minute she stops talking,

you gotta make a beeline
for those sign-up sheets

like it's the last chopper
out of Vietnam. You got a pen?

Uh, no, but I'm--

Go find a pen right now--
Not a pencil--

A pen.

Excuse me. Do you have
a pen I can borrow?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't.

I need all of them
in case one runs out.

Did you find one?
Mike? Mike? Mike?!

What?!

Did you find a pen?!

Found a pencil.

Mike!

I mean a pen. I have a pen.

Everything's fine.
I got this. Excuse me.

Um, I'm not gonna
have any trouble

signing up for volunteering,
am I?

Oh, not at all.

There'll be plenty of spaces
on every sign-up sheet.

Thank you. Did you hear that?
Room mom's not worried at all.

Of course she's not worried,
you fool.

She's the room mom!
She's in the inner circle.

She probably signed up herself

and five of her friends
weeks ago.

Frankie, listen to me.

No. You're done talking.
I need you to focus on me

and listen carefully.

Welcome, everyone.

I want to thank you all
for coming tonight.

- Mike, are you listening?
- I know it's difficult...

You want to be in the
front of the classroom...

Because that's where they put
out the sign-up sheets. Got it?

Yes.

- Repeat it.
- We have a lot to cover tonight...

Front of the classroom.
I'm not deaf.

Now listen.

The second
Ms. Tibbits stops talking,

you need to make your move.
Take those long legs and run.

And don't be polite.
Remember that colts game

where you cut in front
of that kid and made him cry

so Peyton Manning would sign
your football? Channel that guy.

And as soon as you get
to the sign-up sheets,

you look for the words
"purchase" or "bring" on it.

That means we can
shop and dump.

Paper products are best.

And stay away from anything
that says "beautify."

That's just a fancy word
for cleaning.

And should anyone ask you,

you have no special skills,

nor do you own or know how to
use tools. Are you getting this?

I think so.

Are you in the front
of the class?

Uh, no. The teacher
started talking, so I

stepped in the hall
to hear you better.

The hall? Are you nuts?

She could stop talking
at any time.

You get back in there.
Go, go, go, go,

go, go, g--

Please don't tell on me.

Mr. Ehlert?!

Hey, Axl.
Can you pop this tape in?

It's a remix of "Bad Choices,"

our anti-texting-and-driving
song.

- ♪ Looking down to read a text ♪
- Ooh, can you turn it up a bit?

♪ you won't
see what happens next ♪

Actually,
can you turn it down a tad?

Aah!

- Up a notch?
- You're dead, you're dead...

Down a smidge?

Now can you turn it back on?

Axl. Hello?

Wait. Where are you going?

This is not the way
to Carly's house.

Axl. Answer me. W-- Come on!

I wouldn't want to be lake.

Did you hear what I just said?
I didn't say "late."

I said "lake," as in
the lake you won't be going to.

Hi, mom. It's Axl.

I just wanted to tell you
that on Monday,

I snuck out of the house,

and I didn't get home
until 1:00 in the morning.

I realize that
by violating curfew

and not telling you
where I was,

I have lost my chance
to go to the lake this weekend.

Get out.

What?

Get out.

Well, you're not gonna
get away with this, Axl.

You're gonna be
in really big trouble.

I'm already in trouble.

Well, you can't just
leave me here alone.

Better start walking.

Don't want to get
home too lake!

But what
we lack from budget cuts,

we make up for in spirit.

So in conclusion...

I-it's been
an honor to teach your children.

And to wrap things up...

I hope that you
and your families

will have
a lovely rest of the year.

Paper goods. Bingo.

Aah! Damn it.

Can we go now?

Yes, we can,
'cause guess who just bagged

a spot on the paper goods list?
Shop and dump, baby.

What kind of paper goods
do you have to dump?

Good question. I'll check.

Hey. Where'd my name go?

Who's "Mitch Kellog"?

Oh, hey, that's me.
I don't think we've met.

Mike Heck.

If the name sounds familiar,

it's 'cause it's the one
you erased to steal my spot.

I'm sorry?

Apology accepted.
Brick? Give me an eraser.

Look, I don't know
what you're talking about,

but there's plenty
of spaces available

on the classroom
beautification committee.

Ha. "Beautification."
Nice try. Brick.

I didn't erase your name, pal.

Yeah, you did,
and you didn't even have

the decency
to erase the whole thing.

You stole the "M" from my "Mike"
to make your "Mitch."

Sorry, pal.
I'm not giving you my spot.

Should have brought a pen.

Brick?

Don't tell your mom
what I'm about to do.

Ms. Tibbits? He cheated.

This man right here,
Mitch Kellog...

As it turned out,

Ms. Tibbits had the same policy
about tattling Mike did,

except she followed
through on it.

Every year.
Freakin' beautification.

As for Axl, he never did
make it to the lake...

And Mike rewarded Sue
for not tattling on him...

And then I punished her for it.

Oh!

Axl!

I'm telling.

- Brick!
- You kidding me?

I'm not saying
our system is perfect.

We're still working out
a few kinks.