The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Middle - full transcript

Every marriage has
its three classic fights,

and we sure got ours.

We need a new bed.

We don't need a new bed.

Really? We don't?
Try to get out.

What?

Right now.
Try to get out of bed.

The house is on fire.
Go. Go!

Yeah.

Too late. You're dead.

Frankie, we're not getting
a new bed.



We just got a new dishwasher.

Oh, you're right.

We should only get
one new thing every 20 years.

Seriously, Mike,
this bed is a torture rack.

We need a reason to get up
in the morning,

and lower back pain is
as good as any.

Ohh.

Look, even if we wanted to,
we can't afford a new bed.

No, we can.
I've thought about it.

We still have the money
Aunt Ginny left me.

Do you think she'd want me
to just waste it on bills?

That's not what
she'd want, Mike.

Knowing aunt Ginny, she'd want
you to waste it on booze.

I want a new bed.
We need a new bed.



I want to turn our bedroom
into a sanctuary.

Ohh! Here we go.

_

listen, I found
a really cute bed

at Bedder Beds 4 Less,
and it has drawers underneath,

and the headboard has
these little lighted cubbyholes

to display our stuff.

We don't need more spaces
to shove stuff in.

And what stuff are
we talking about anyway?

Like, that old band-aid
that's been

on your nightstand
since Halloween?

You want to display that?

Hey, I have nice stuff.
It just gets lost

in all the crap,
so it doesn't look nice.

It's all in the presentation.

It's the Presidential
Fitness Challenge

at school this week.

You're not seriously gonna
make me suffer

that humiliation again,
are you?

Yes.

Look, this is what
we're sleeping on.

Just look.

People in crack dens are lying
on nicer mattresses.

It's fine.
You just gotta flip it.

It doesn't have
a third side, does it?

Hey.

Can I ask you guys a question

about yearbook pictures
for teams and clubs?

Uh...
Why is she talking to us?

I don't know.

I was just asking
'cause I'm a wrestlerette,

and it's so weird...

But we never had
our picture taken.

Wrestlerettes?
Do we have those?

I don't think so.
Uh, what's that?

We cheer and sometimes do
light laundry

for the wrestling team.

There's a wrestling team?
Did you know that, court?

No, but I'll ask around

and see if there is.

There is. We have them,
and I cheer for them,

and we were supposed to get
our picture in the yearbook.

Look, I don't want to be mean

because we just had
the anti-bullying seminar,

but wrestleroos or whatever
you just said you are

is not something
we really have here.

Sorry.

Well, Sue wasn't
the only one having

a rough time at school.

Brick was on day one

of the most dreaded week
of his year.

Listen up, men.

The first test

of the Presidential Fitness
Challenge is push-ups.

You got one minute.

Go!

Uh, excuse me, Ms. Bratton.

My name is Sue Heck,

and I thought,
since you're yearbook advisor,

you might be able to tell me
when the wrestlerettes

are getting their picture
taken for the yearbook.

Wrestlerettes?
Never heard of 'em.

Oh. Well, uh, we're cheerleaders
for the wrestling team.

Oh, whatever.
It doesn't matter.

It's gone to press.

No. Wait a minute.
How could it have gone to press?

I mean, I didn't even get
my individual picture taken.

Oh, I'm sorry if I was unclear.

What I meant to say was,
"it's gone to press."

No, please.
You don't get it.

See, I had this whole thing
in junior high

with the yearbook
where I never got in,

and now the exact same thing
is happening right now, and--

Oh, look, look,
you're clearly having

thoughts about things.

Maybe you should talk
to the guidance counselor.

Guidance counselor?

We have a guidance counselor?

Oh, looks like you're busy.
I can come back.

Cramps--
Nurse has the heating pads.

Early dismissal--
Attendance office.

Bus trouble-- Main office.

Uh, no.
Uh, I'm actually looking

for the guidance counselor.

You are?

Uh-huh.

You really came to see me?

Oh, I mean, you're probably
booked all day, but--

Well, let me check.

Would you look at that?
I think I can squeeze you in.

Oh, come in. Come in.

Sit. Sit.

Oh.

Jane Marsh.
Guidance counselor.

Sue Heck. Lost frosh.

So, Sue...

What kind of counseling
can I guide you with?

Uh... peer pressure...

Uh... low self-esteem...

Eating too much...
Not eating enough...

Sneak eating?

No. No, no, no.
None of that.

It's just...

High school is a lot harder
than I thought it would be.

Oh. Dyslexia?

No, thank you.

See, it's just I thought
it would be a lot different,

so I tried out
for a bunch of stuff,

but I never make anything...

So I made my own thing--
Wrestlerettes--

but then the season ended,
but it got me this boyfriend,

but then he moved away,

but then we promised
to keep our love alive,

and then we didn't,

and now I-I'm not even
in the yearbook.

It's like my whole year
didn't happen.

It is soul-crushing.

Let me tell you something, Sue.

You may not know
to look at me now,

but I know what it's like
to feel like you don't exist.

Really?

A bunch of years ago,
I was a student here, too,

and nobody knew
who I was, either,

and I was the only black kid!

And to make matters worse,
I had braces--

Overbite-crossbite.

Me, too!

Oh, well, now it's
an underbite-overbite.

They overcorrected.

Oh. Well, here's the thing.

You just gotta hang
in there, baby.

Oh, my God.

W-- I totally have
that poster in my room.

The one that came
with "Believe In Yourself,"

with the--

Sun shining over the water?

- Yeah.
- Yes!

That one's in my locker.

Mine's on my mirror.

Listen, your past
never has to define you.

Yesterday's gone.
Today's almost over, so--

Hang on. Hang on.

I want to write this down.

So who do you want you
to be tomorrow?

That, my friend,
is totally up to you.

Thank you, Ms. Marsh.

That was really good guidance.

Ohh.

Sue, uh, would you like
some, uh,

positive affirmation stickers
to take with ya?

Would I?

Bye.

Yeah. Ohh.

This is nice.
I barely know you're here.

It's like I'm in bed alone.

Mm. I like that
it's not too springy.

He's up and down all night
to pee,

and it's hard not to feel

6 1/2 feet of husband getting
out of bed, you know?

Frankie.

_

What?

He doesn't need
to know everything.

He's a bed expert, Mike.

We have to give him
all the facts

so he can help us pick out
the right bed.

Jeez, it's like the time you
wouldn't tell the doctor about--

Would you please?

He doesn't like change.

We're making the bedroom
into a sanctuary.

Yes, that's very popular
these days.

See? He doesn't get it.

- Can we not do this here?
- What?

Have a whole discussion
about our personal life.

Look, we're getting the bed.
Can we just get the bed?

- Fine.
- Okay then.

- Good.
- Great. Now let's get you two out of here.

I'm sure you're busy.

Would you like
the extended warranty?

No.

Assembly and delivery
for $50 is usual--

No.

Old mattress removal?

Nice try, but no.

Let me save you some time.
It's all "no."

This is exactly how he was
with the doctor,

and that's why he got the--

Frankie!

Rush.

I made dinner.

Hang on. I'm on hold
with the President.

How's the bed looking?

Like it's still in the box.

Sue, pass the chips.

Brick, come on. Dinner.

He's holding for the President.

He thinks he can talk him out
of the Fitness Challenge.

Great.
I'm being transferred

to the Department of Alcohol,
Tobacco, and Firearms.

Tobacco.

I'm just so excited
about the sanctuary.

Wait. Isn't a sanctuary
where they lock up crazy people?

Yes.
Sue, chips.

You may have all noticed
I'm not responding to "Sue."

That's because my name is
no longer "Sue."

Mike, you wanna take this?

I just feel like
my name doesn't really define me

or who I want to be tomorrow,

so that's why I've decided
to change my name...

To "Suki."

So you want
to be made fun of more?

Think about it.

Of course no teacher is gonna
remember someone named "Sue,"

but they're gonna remember
"Suki,"

like when they're looking
at a sea of names

of who to cast in a play
or put on a team.

What name jumps out at you?
"Suki"!

You know what? I like it.

Really? Thanks, Axl.

You're welcome, Sucky.

It's "Suki."

- Sorry, Pukey.
- Suki!

- Got it, Dooky.
- Suki!

That's enough. You're not
changing your name.

You're Sue.
That's your name.

We put a lot of thought into it.

But Ms. Marsh said
I could be whoever I want.

- Who's Ms. Marsh?
- The guidance counselor?

I'll give you some guidance.

Don't go
to the guidance counselor.

It's lame.

After talking with her,

I honestly believe
anything is possible.

Okay, fine. If you really
want us to call you "Suki"...

Then that's
what we'll do, Suki.

It's a phase.

Hey, so if Sue gets a new name,
I think we all should,

so from now on,
I want to be called "Rockstar."

Mom can be "Blah-blah-blah,"

and dad can be...

"Dad."

Now, as you may remember,
Sue is left-handed,

but Suki is right-handed...

And Suki wears her hair
parted on the side.

Also, Suki is never
without a pen behind her ear,

because Suki loves to write down
all the interesting things

that happen to her
throughout the day, mm-hmm,

with her right hand.

Hmm. You know
what else Suki does?

Passes the damn chips.

Glad-lay.

That's how Suki
says "gladly."

Listen,
I've read the constitution,

and nowhere does it give
the President

the power
to demand push-ups.

What are you bothering
the President for, anyway?

Just suck it up and do it.

It's embarrassing.

Come on. It's not that bad.

You already did push-ups.
How many did you do?

I'd say about a fourth.

There was a lot of push,
but not a lot of up.

You know what the other
cool thing is about Suki?

She doesn't sweat
the small stuff like Sue.

And then I decided to take
a tip from Suki,

and suddenly none of
this madness seemed important,

'cause I knew that
in just a few short hours,

I'd be relaxing in the comfort
of my new sanctuary.

Don't.

So after a couple nights stuck
bunking with Sue--

Sorry-- Suki--

I was antsy for Mike
to finish our sanctuary.

Damn it.

There's no way
that this goes into this!

Please can we just call
the 800 number?

We're not doing that.

Why not?

There are friendly
customer representatives

standing by to help us
right now.

It says so right here.

I know how to put
a bed together.

Well, it's been two days.
Apparently, you don't.

We're not calling.
End of story.

Oh, God.
You never...

_

Ask for help. Why?
Why won't you ask for help?

Okay.
I'm asking for help now.

Hand me the 5/8ths wrench.

This one?

What? The 5/8ths!

Okay. What, this one?

5/8ths.

I heard you! I don't know
which one that is!

It's the one on the right.
The right.

The right. The right.
The right.

I'm dialing.
I'm doing it.

I'm doing it right now.

Frankie, hang up that phone.

Nope. You had your chance...

And I am not-- Aah!

Give me that phone!

No! This has gone on
long enough!

We don't need anybody else
knowing our business!

The wait time is
6 hours and 52 minutes.

You got lucky.

What's this?

Yes. Thank you, Sanjit.

I could use your help.

Well, to give you
the backstory,

my husband never wants
to buy anything new,

but I got this money
from my Aunt Ginny,

and we're trying to turn
the bedroom into a sanctuary.

We have three kids, and it gets
a little hectic around here.

What are you so worried about?

It's a pull-up.

Axl, what you and the President
fail to understand

is that everyone's
gonna laugh at me.

Dude, you can do it.
You weigh, like, 3 pounds.

It's all physics.
Here. Watch and learn.

Think people are gonna laugh
at you when you do this?

Ow! Ow!

Oh, God! No! Open the door!

Open the door!
Brick! Brick! Aah!

Despite all the differences
between Sue and Suki,

they had
one glaring similarity.

They were both Sue.

Excuse me, Ms. Lambert.

Um, if you don't mind,
from now on,

I would like
to be called "Suki."

Well, of course.
Class, I'd like to introduce

our new
foreign exchange student Suki.

No. I'm not--

Take a seat. That desk
over there is free.

I know.

It's free 'cause I just got out
of it to come talk to you.

Your English is very good, Suki.

We look forward to learning
about your country.

Uh, hi.

I just wanted
to let you guys know

that from now on,
you can call me "Suki."

I'm sorry. What?
You have Suki?

Oh, my God.
I've heard of that.

It's a disease you get

from hanging out
with pigs or birds.

No. No, no, no. Uh, I--

I'm sorry.
We're cheerleaders,

and people count on us
to look good,

so we cannot afford
to get sick.

Oh, but--

- Did she touch you?
- But--

- Maybe we should go to the nurse.
- Yeah.

Attention, students.

There has been a reported case
of Suki at our school.

For precautionary measures,
all students are advised

to wash their hands thoroughly
and not to share food.

Thank you.

Hi, Sue.

Hi, Ms. Marsh.

I'm so confused.

I tried what you said about
being whoever I wanted to be.

I changed my name to Suki.
I changed my hair.

I wrote right-handed,

but it only made things worse.

I went from being invisible

to being mistaken
for an Asian flu.

Sue, I never meant for you
to change who you are.

Look, I don't
expect you to get it.

You're, like, this
big-time guidance counselor.

You think I got
nothing to worry about?

My office is in the basement.

No one knows I'm here,
not even the other teachers,

and my parking space--

It's labeled
"Guid Coun/Visitor,"

and if there's a visitor,

I'm parking on the street...

But that's just life, Sue.

Me and you--
We rise above it,

and do you know why
I don't worry about you?

Why?

Because you're unique.

I am?

'Cause, you know,
I always thought so,

but it seems like other people
aren't really catchin' on.

High school is just not designed
for unique people, Sue.

I was starting to suspect that.

Well, okay.

You know, maybe I'll be
in the yearbook next year.

You really care that much
about being in the yearbook?

I really do.

Then let's go put a boot

in someone's...
behind...

and get it done.

Oh.

Are you excited?

I'm excited it's done.

Mm-hmm.

Ready? Yeah.

Ohh.

Ow.

Ohh.

I love it.

You don't love it.
Your head's in a box.

Well...

I-I don't think
you put it together right.

Hey, I put it together right.

I put it together right twice.

Did you?
Well, we'll never know,

'cause you wouldn't ask
Sanjit for help.

I told you, I don't need help.

Ow! Admit it, Frankie.
This bed is dumb.

We should have kept
the old one.

Well, I'm sorry for trying
to improve our lives

and turn our bedroom
into a sanctuary.

"Sanctuary"?
Do you know where you live?

That word took one look
at our house and ran.

You always do this, Mike.

I try to change
the slightest thing,

and you go nuts, like when
I switched ketchups.

It's just ketchup!

The old ketchup was good.

I was happy,
something you'll never be...

Because you're never
satisfied...

And you're always running
around changing stuff.

You know,
when I told Nancy Donahue

that you didn't want
to get a new bed--

Why are you telling
Nancy Donahue anything?

Because she's my friend.
If it were up to you,

no one would know
anything personal about us.

That's why
they call it "personal"!

But this is what you do.
You do this all the time.

You do this all the time.

What?!

This. "I have to have
a sanctuary."

"Stringing beads is gonna
change my life."

"We need a new church."

"A foreign exchange student is
gonna bring us closer together."

"We need to yell
at the kids less."

"We need to yell
at the kids more!"

You got a million plans
to make things better, Frankie,

but they don't.

Open your eyes, woman.
It's not getting any better!

This is it!

Well, at least I'm trying,
and do I get any support? No.

Okay, pat.

You son of a...

_

I didn't say there were
only three fights,

just three classic ones.

There are lots of lots
of other fights,

and now that the box was open,

Mike and I were
gonna have them all.

Oh, my gosh.
Mr. Farrar smokes?

I'm sorry,
but the teacher's lounge

is for faculty only.

I am faculty.

I don't think so.

Oh, are you
that new driver's ed teacher?

I'm Jane Marsh,
guidance counselor.

Oh, we have one of those?

Yes, we do.

I bring lemon bars
every Monday morning,

and I put them right there
with a little note

that says to everyone,
"Have a good week."

No, I'm pretty sure
Barbara makes the lemon bars.

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't Barbara bring
the lemon bars?

- Yeah, that's Barbara.
- Oh, yeah.

Ms. Bratton,
I want to talk to you

about the yearbook photos
and this young girl--

Uh, oh, you know, I'm sorry,

but, uh,
we're just getting ready

to celebrate
Colleen's birthday...

- Yeah.
- The new algebra sub.

Are you kidding me?
The sub gets a birthday cake?

I've been here 17 years.

I never got a cake.

Who are you again?

I'm the guidance counselor!

And just because I'm only here

on Tuesdays and Thursdays
due to budget cutbacks

does not mean
I'm not an important part

of this school's community,

so from now on,
I demand respect.

I want
a bigger, closer parking spot

that has my name on it,

and I want
a cake for my birthday,

which happens to be
November 13th, just FYI,

and I want all of you
to start learning my name,

because down at the bottom of
that spooky old basement hallway

sits a woman,
and her name is Jane Marsh!

Wow. That felt really good.

Oh. Right. You.

And this girl is going
to be in the yearbook.

It's gone to press.

Then un-press it.

Yep, the world could ignore
one Sue Heck, but not two.

I guess the point is,
you can't change who you are,

just like I can't change Mike
and he can't change me,

so I don't know why we've spent
all these years trying.

Maybe 'cause marriage is long,
and if you didn't fight,

you really would run out
of things to talk about.

And then there are those
in our family

who embrace change,

and as far as Brick,

well, he didn't get
a presidential pardon,

but he learned something
from his challenge after all--

That there's a difference

between getting laughed at
and getting a laugh.

Okay.

Everyone get ready to count
to a hundred.

And Sue got in the yearbook
after all,

as Sue Heck, not Suki.

Aah! We did it!

And I got my very own page.

I want to see. Let me see.

Turns out,
they always reserve a page

just in case somebody dies.

No one did.

They said they'd change
the copy,

but in their defense,

the book had already gone
to press.