The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 20 - Get Your Business Done - full transcript
A new church convinces the Hecks to "get their business done," but the results that stem from their new-found inspiration are mixed.
Out here in the middle,
we all look forward to Sunday,
and Sunday means church.
It's the one hour a week
where you know
your family's gonna
spend time together,
but lately, not so much.
Mike had joined
the elite group of ushers,
Sue got a job
in the toddler room,
and ever since
Brick read the Bible,
he was excited to go to
Sunday school, mostly to argue.
I mean, why turn water into wine
in a desert environment?
Water hydrates. Wine dehydrates.
That's just not smart.
At least I still had Axl.
Hey. Ted Mora's kid's
in jail again. You're in.
Yes. Lates, chumps.
And then there was one,
left to be tortured
by one of Reverend Hayver's
endless sermons alone.
But first,
we will be comparing the epistle
of 1 Thessalonians
to that of 2 Thessalonians.
As you recall,
Paul was accompanied into
Thessalonica by Silas, also...
...understanding of Silas,
we turn our attention
to the third member
of Paul's party, Timothy,
whose mother was Jewish, but
his father was a Greek.
About time.
Game started a half-hour ago.
I was on your porch so long,
I was forced to eat
three of my seven layers.
Sorry, Dave. Church was turning
into a hostage situation.
The man would not stop talking.
Really? My guy gets me
out in 45 minutes.
Feels like 45 years,
with Reverend Hayver.
- Ugh.
- Interminable.
What are you guys
moaning about?
You ditched me--
Off doing your fun stuff
while I'm left to die
in the Hayver snooze fest.
Look. I have a pew mark
on my forehead.
Oh, gross.
No, that's a wrinkle--
The reddish dent above it.
I don't know.
I can definitely
see the wrinkle.
All right. That's enough.
Just take my word for it.
Look, don't get me wrong.
I want to love church.
I walk in there every week
with my heart wide open,
ready for inspiration,
but with Reverend Hayver...
It just feels like a chore.
Look around. I hate chores.
You know, you guys
should come to my church.
My pastor doesn't just get you
out fast. He's really inspiring.
Oh, yeah?
Wow. I don't know.
I mean, wouldn't that be
cheating on Reverend Hayver?
Home in time for tip-off?
"Hayver" who?
So feeling guilty
and just the tiniest bit free,
next Sunday,
we snuck out to try our luck
at the church of Dave.
♪ Oh, yes all the way,
sometimes I hold my head up ♪
♪ "help me, Lord" ♪
♪ oh, yes ♪
♪ I know if I hold my peace ♪
♪ he'll take care of me ♪
♪ follow Jesus ♪
Dude. This place already
kicks our church's ass!
Axl.
Sorry. "Church's butt."
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ all the way ♪
You made it!
Thanks for the invite.
Whoa, hold up. You know you guys
have to sit in the back, right?
♪ no, you can't stop me ♪
Kidding!
Come with me.
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ oh, yeah, the way ♪
Wow. Front row.
Very exposed.
On the plus side, there's
no place to bang my head.
Welcome.
Welcome, brothers and sisters.
I begin today with, um,
sorrowful tidings.
Our beloved friend
and fellow parishioner,
brother Darnell Simms,
passed away yesterday.
Oh, but I consider myself
blessed
to have an opportunity
to have seen brother Darnell
one final time
before he joined the Almighty.
And as I sat there with him
at the end of his far,
far too short 96 years,
- Yes, sir.
- I-I asked him,
said, "Brother Darnell,
did you get your business done?"
And do you know what he said?
I do not!
Pray tell us!
Sweet. We can talk
at this church.
Not you.
He said, "Pastor Watkins,"
said, "I did not
get my business done."
Shame is what!
Aw, that's too bad.
But I say let us not pity.
Do not pity!
Let us not despair.
Do not despair!
Rather, let us look
unto brother Darnell
for inspiration.
- Inspiration!
- Yes!
- Agreed.
- Word!
Let us remember brother Darnell
for when it comes to pass
we find ourselves
at the gates to the kingdom,
we can truly say,
oh, with our heads held high,
say, "Lord..."
- "Lord!"
- "While here on Earth..."
Yes, sir.
"I got my business done."
Whoo!
- I want to get it done!
- Yes, God.
Then, brother,
get your business done!
Amen! Oh, yes!
Sister!
Get your business done.
All y'all,
get your business done.
Yes, sir, yes, sir!
- Oh, get your business done.
- My God.
- Get your business done!
- Hallelujah!
- All right!
- Oh!
♪ get your business done ♪
Oh!
♪ Get your business done ♪
- Hey!
- ♪ Get your business done ♪
♪ get your business done ♪
♪ get your business done ♪
Whoo! Now that's
how you get your God on!
Did I use that right?
Seriously.
He was like JC meets Jay-Z.
Finally, someone who can
explain water-into-wine.
Without modern sanitation,
wine had less germs. Duh.
Pregame? I haven't seen pregame
on a Sunday in 20 years.
Hallelujah.
Bet old Reverend Hayver's
still clearing his throat.
But that pastor Watkins
was just so...
Aah! Right?
Everything he said
was just so... true.
I mean, really,
it could all end tomorrow,
and if it did, could we say that
we're getting our business done?
Could we, Mike?
I mean, we've been
sleeping through life,
hitting the snooze,
hitting the snooze.
Well, rise and shine, soul!
Time to throw back the covers
and get our business done.
Testify!
Testify.
So... what's our business?
Hmm.
Getting me a beer?
No, seriously, Mike.
Wasn't jokin'.
I've always wanted to start
a babysitting business.
I think maybe you're taking it
a bit too literally.
Am I? Am I?
Maybe my business is
an actual business.
I could call it,
"Sue's BabySuetting Service."
Oh, my God. I love it.
Don't you love it?
I'm gonna go make flyers.
And I'm gonna...
Do something, too.
Once I find out
what the hell my business is,
look out, people,
'cause I am getting it done.
♪ Get your business done ♪
♪ getting my business done ♪
Axl, are you awake?
No. Go to sleep.
I just have a question.
Did pastor Watkins say,
"Get your business done,"
or "Get your bed-ness done"?
Dang it, Brick.
I was just getting settled
into a big boy dream.
Do you know what that means?
It's just...
I've been asking mom and dad
for a bigger bed since I was 8,
but they still haven't
gotten me one.
You know mom and dad.
They never do anything for us.
That's why I'm thinking
maybe my business should be
getting myself a new bed.
If I get money from mom,
will you drive me to the store?
No.
Pretty please?
Pretty no.
Maybe your business
is spending more time
- with your little brother.
- Think about it.
You'll be going off to college
in one to three years.
Huh.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should spend more time
with the less fortunate,
like how Jesus chilled
with the lepers.
I'm not a leper.
Look, you want a new bed,
or not, leper?
Yes.
So while our kids were
getting their business done...
That left Mike and me
still figuring it out.
I mean,
I just don't get it, Mike.
Why would God give me
so much passion and energy,
but not tell me
what to do with it?
He was so clear with Joan of Arc
and people like that.
Maybe your business
is getting that dirty laundry
off the counter.
Maybe that's your business.
No, I know what my business is.
Oh, really?
You know what your business is?
Huh? Do you?
Really? Oh. So. Hmm.
What's your business, then?
Hmm? Hmm? What's your business?
Well, after my mom died,
I never told my dad
how much I appreciated him
being there for rusty and me.
It's not bad...
But you still haven't
gotten it done.
You're right.
What am I waiting for?
Hey, dad, it's me.
Just want to say thanks
for being there for us
after mom died.
Yep.
All right, then.
Business done.
I just don't know
if I can sleep on it.
Of course you can sleep on it.
Check it out--
Ten games in one table.
Got a top for shuffleboard,
got a top for ping-pong,
got a top for basketball--
Does it have a top for a bed?
Look, dude,
your business is getting
a new place to sleep.
Mine's spending more time
with you, and this rocks both.
It's what you wanted, Brick.
It's what God wanted.
Whatever.
Point is you made your bed.
Now play me a game of pool
on it. Ha ha ha.
Yeah.
Mrs. Jennings? Hi.
Sue heck, CEO of
Sue's BabySuetting Service.
I'm here to babySuet
your son Tyler.
Come on in. Hi.
This is my husband Steve.
Oh. Nice to meet you.
Tyler's just in the other room,
taking a nap.
Aww, that's so sweet.
I brought some toys for him
to play with when he wakes up!
I'm hungry.
There better be some pie left.
Oh. Is that Tyler's brother?
No, that's Tyler.
Um...
How old is he, exactly?
14, but we don't trust him
to stay home alone.
Oh, hold on. I'm not sure--
Now there's a few basic things
you should know.
He can't drink pop,
or he will freak out.
And absolutely
no ice of any kind,
or he will freak out.
And don't let him watch
anything too violent...
Or even too colorful...
Or he will freak out.
And he has to put on
his pull-ups before bed,
but you can't call 'em diapers,
or he will freak out.
They're his "space pants."
Okay.
Well, then, that's it.
We'll be home around 10:00.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Tyler thinks
he's babysitting you,
and if he finds out that you're
babysitting him, he will--
Freak out?
Big freak-out.
Huge.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Uh, Tyler?
Whatcha watching?
"Zombie Makeout Party."
First they kill you,
then they kiss you.
Whoa. You know you are not
allowed to watch that stuff.
Hey, you're not in charge.
I am.
That's right, Tyler.
You're in charge.
And as my babysitter,
you shouldn't let me
watch that stuff.
I don't deal well
with zombie movies.
Then go to bed.
Well, that's the thing.
I don't have a bed, so why
don't I sleep here on the couch
while you go up to your bed
and babysit me from up there?
Will you stop whining?
What's that?
Oh. My ortho says I have to wear
this at least ten hours a night.
Is there anything special
you need to wear at night?
No.
Really?
'Cause...
Okay, Tyler. Well...
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
I'm a bed wetter.
Yep, so every night,
before I go to sleep,
I put on my high-tech
"space pants,"
which keep me nice and dry
as I blast off into my dreams.
You're a nerd up there
and a nerd down there.
Boom! I win!
What's the next game, huh? Ooh.
Boom! I win!
Boom! I win! Ooh!
Boom! I win. Ha ha!
Your turn.
I get it. Boom. You win.
What? You can't quit now.
I've only crushed you
in nine out of ten games.
I did better than I thought
I'd do. Good night.
Fine.
Thanks. Can I get a boost?
What? No.
We're just pausing the game.
Then where am I
supposed to sleep?
What's all this?
I found my business, Mike.
My business is beading.
I mean, how many times have I
said I wanted to bead things?
I don't know.
Zero? A thousand?
But I never did
a thing about it.
I just don't want to get to
the end of my life and look back
and think, "Wow,
I had a shot at doing
the one thing I really love,
and I didn't take it."
Beading?
I could even take these
to craft shows.
This could be huge. I just
gotta get on Oprah's radar.
You're gonna
give this to Oprah?
Well, obviously,
I'd make one special for her.
Hey, maybe you could sell these
to the guys at the quarry
for their wives.
Good night.
Getting my business done.
♪ Getting my business done ♪
Crap.
Unh!
Ow.
Good. You're awake.
Time to play air hockey.
Fine, but then can I
go back to my box?
I wasn't ready.
Okay. Beginner's luck.
All right, dude,
what are you doing?!
Oh, it's easy.
It's all angles.
What? You can't use math.
That's cheating. Wh--
Ohh, that's it!
Here comes the pain!
Unh!
Boom. I win.
After four days,
Sue finally started to recover
from what came to be known
as the Tyler incident.
Morning!
Sue, a Mrs. Jennings called.
She wants to know
if "You're available for Tyler
to babysit you on Saturday."
Must have wrote that down wrong.
Ugh! No! I don't want
to go back there.
But I guess I should.
This is my business, and I am
going to need the referrals.
I figured it out, Mike,
and here's the thing--
I was being too selfish.
The only one who benefits
from my beading is me.
Agreed.
So then I got to thinking,
maybe my business should be
other people's business.
Uh-huh.
Look at this.
I Googled the word "sad,"
and a million things came up.
Orphans, stray animals,
old people--
The whole world needs my help.
Your shirt's inside out.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Kids love animals.
Old people love kids.
Why are we still building
separate orphanages, pounds,
and retirement homes? Seriously,
let's get them together.
Why hasn't anybody
thought of this before?
Huh?
That's what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna build
the world's first super-shelter.
First...
I gotta pick a location--
Something that's convenient
for both humans and animals.
Then I gotta get bids
from contractors
and sign up volunteers.
Oh, well, first I need
to write a grant proposal.
I gotta call congress.
Game.
Rematch!
I've already given you
a hundred rematches.
I'm retiring my paddle.
Okay, just hear me out.
If you beat me, I'll do
your homework for a month.
Thanks, but I'd like
to see the fifth grade.
Okay, I won't make you
do my homework for a month.
Throw in this guitar pick,
and you're on.
Fine, but what do you
want my pick for?
Oh, I like to lick it.
This way, I don't have to
do it in secret anymore.
Come on.
What's my business, damn it?
What, what, what, what, what?
Everyone else is shoving
their business in my face.
Rude.
If I could just fall asleep,
maybe it'd come to me
in a dream.
What's that pounding?
I could make first aid kits
for soldiers overseas.
I left my purse in the car.
Should I go get it?
I should go get it.
But that woman down the street
got mugged. Hope she's okay.
Did I floss? I need a beer.
Seriously,
what is that pounding?
Is that my pulse?
It's like a hammer.
Am I supposed to feel
my heartbeat in my tongue?
That's gotta be wrong.
What's happening to me? Okay.
Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'm going to get band-aids
for my soldier first aid kits!
Run! It's a makeout zombie!
The makeout zombie!
Sticky gauzes...
Unsticky gauzes...
Oh, God. What am I doing?
The army has first aid kits.
Okay, what else?
What else can I do?
First aid kits
for animals at the pound.
Excuse me.
Where's your pet section?
I need dog thermometers.
Do they even make those?
Or should I just use
baby thermometers?
And what about
something for cats?
Do you have something
for homeless cats
so that they can do this?
Um, are you feeling okay,
ma'am?
Kind of no.
I can hear my heartbeat
like a thump, thump, thump.
Just-- just take my pulse.
Um... I'm actually not allowed
to touch the customers anymore.
But we got
a blood pressure chair.
Come on.
Just one more game?
I flipped through
my geometry book in the john
and totally figured out angles.
But you have
nothing left I want.
Really? Nothing?
Well, there is one thing.
Dad!
I'm babysitting a 14-year-old,
and he thinks we're on a date.
All right. I'm taking it
from here. Go on home.
Okay, but there's a bunch
of things you need to know.
He can't have ice,
and he has to wear his pull-ups,
but you can't call 'em--
Sue, I raised three kids.
I'll be fine.
Okay, Tyler! Time for bed!
Turn off the TV
and put on your diapers!
Yikes.
160 over 102?
Time to cut down
on the cookie dough.
Okay. Message received.
You can let me go now.
Come on!
Hello?!
Hey. Excuse me! Cat toy guy!
Can you get me
out of this thing? Ooh.
Whoa. Your blood pressure
is really high.
Oh, you think?!
Dad, are you okay?
Nope.
That kid freaked out.
Brick.
Are you awake?
No. Go to sleep.
Will you play with me
again tomorrow?
No.
Pretty please?
Pretty no.
I called the 800 number
on the chair...
But they're closed
till morning.
Well, just unplug it, then!
Oh, you looking at me?!
Yeah, go ahead.
Take a good, long look,
'cause this is what happens
if you wake up to life too late!
And then you try to get your business
done and you can't!
And nobody wants a gymnastics
teacher without any experience.
They don't! I tried!
I tried everything!
Frankie?
Reverend Hayver.
What's wrong?
I'm stuck.
You know, this reminds me
of a time when I was 9 years old
and I got my knee caught
in the banister
at my great Aunt Margo's house.
It was quite uncomfortable,
but I realized it taught me the divine
virtue of patience.
If I recall correctly,
the first hour
was the most trying.
As I languished there
on the staircase,
counting by the endless...
That's when I realized
why I'd been going
to Reverend Hayver
all these years.
It was the most relaxing hour
of my week.
...in the days of Ampharel
king of Shinar,
Arioch king of Ellasar...
'Cause the truth is,
as a mom with a full-time job
and three kids,
I do nothing but take care
of my and everybody else's business.
So maybe giving myself
a break every Sunday from
9 to 10 with no business at all
is getting my business done.
we all look forward to Sunday,
and Sunday means church.
It's the one hour a week
where you know
your family's gonna
spend time together,
but lately, not so much.
Mike had joined
the elite group of ushers,
Sue got a job
in the toddler room,
and ever since
Brick read the Bible,
he was excited to go to
Sunday school, mostly to argue.
I mean, why turn water into wine
in a desert environment?
Water hydrates. Wine dehydrates.
That's just not smart.
At least I still had Axl.
Hey. Ted Mora's kid's
in jail again. You're in.
Yes. Lates, chumps.
And then there was one,
left to be tortured
by one of Reverend Hayver's
endless sermons alone.
But first,
we will be comparing the epistle
of 1 Thessalonians
to that of 2 Thessalonians.
As you recall,
Paul was accompanied into
Thessalonica by Silas, also...
...understanding of Silas,
we turn our attention
to the third member
of Paul's party, Timothy,
whose mother was Jewish, but
his father was a Greek.
About time.
Game started a half-hour ago.
I was on your porch so long,
I was forced to eat
three of my seven layers.
Sorry, Dave. Church was turning
into a hostage situation.
The man would not stop talking.
Really? My guy gets me
out in 45 minutes.
Feels like 45 years,
with Reverend Hayver.
- Ugh.
- Interminable.
What are you guys
moaning about?
You ditched me--
Off doing your fun stuff
while I'm left to die
in the Hayver snooze fest.
Look. I have a pew mark
on my forehead.
Oh, gross.
No, that's a wrinkle--
The reddish dent above it.
I don't know.
I can definitely
see the wrinkle.
All right. That's enough.
Just take my word for it.
Look, don't get me wrong.
I want to love church.
I walk in there every week
with my heart wide open,
ready for inspiration,
but with Reverend Hayver...
It just feels like a chore.
Look around. I hate chores.
You know, you guys
should come to my church.
My pastor doesn't just get you
out fast. He's really inspiring.
Oh, yeah?
Wow. I don't know.
I mean, wouldn't that be
cheating on Reverend Hayver?
Home in time for tip-off?
"Hayver" who?
So feeling guilty
and just the tiniest bit free,
next Sunday,
we snuck out to try our luck
at the church of Dave.
♪ Oh, yes all the way,
sometimes I hold my head up ♪
♪ "help me, Lord" ♪
♪ oh, yes ♪
♪ I know if I hold my peace ♪
♪ he'll take care of me ♪
♪ follow Jesus ♪
Dude. This place already
kicks our church's ass!
Axl.
Sorry. "Church's butt."
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ all the way ♪
You made it!
Thanks for the invite.
Whoa, hold up. You know you guys
have to sit in the back, right?
♪ no, you can't stop me ♪
Kidding!
Come with me.
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ I'm going with Jesus ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ all the way ♪
♪ oh, yeah, the way ♪
Wow. Front row.
Very exposed.
On the plus side, there's
no place to bang my head.
Welcome.
Welcome, brothers and sisters.
I begin today with, um,
sorrowful tidings.
Our beloved friend
and fellow parishioner,
brother Darnell Simms,
passed away yesterday.
Oh, but I consider myself
blessed
to have an opportunity
to have seen brother Darnell
one final time
before he joined the Almighty.
And as I sat there with him
at the end of his far,
far too short 96 years,
- Yes, sir.
- I-I asked him,
said, "Brother Darnell,
did you get your business done?"
And do you know what he said?
I do not!
Pray tell us!
Sweet. We can talk
at this church.
Not you.
He said, "Pastor Watkins,"
said, "I did not
get my business done."
Shame is what!
Aw, that's too bad.
But I say let us not pity.
Do not pity!
Let us not despair.
Do not despair!
Rather, let us look
unto brother Darnell
for inspiration.
- Inspiration!
- Yes!
- Agreed.
- Word!
Let us remember brother Darnell
for when it comes to pass
we find ourselves
at the gates to the kingdom,
we can truly say,
oh, with our heads held high,
say, "Lord..."
- "Lord!"
- "While here on Earth..."
Yes, sir.
"I got my business done."
Whoo!
- I want to get it done!
- Yes, God.
Then, brother,
get your business done!
Amen! Oh, yes!
Sister!
Get your business done.
All y'all,
get your business done.
Yes, sir, yes, sir!
- Oh, get your business done.
- My God.
- Get your business done!
- Hallelujah!
- All right!
- Oh!
♪ get your business done ♪
Oh!
♪ Get your business done ♪
- Hey!
- ♪ Get your business done ♪
♪ get your business done ♪
♪ get your business done ♪
Whoo! Now that's
how you get your God on!
Did I use that right?
Seriously.
He was like JC meets Jay-Z.
Finally, someone who can
explain water-into-wine.
Without modern sanitation,
wine had less germs. Duh.
Pregame? I haven't seen pregame
on a Sunday in 20 years.
Hallelujah.
Bet old Reverend Hayver's
still clearing his throat.
But that pastor Watkins
was just so...
Aah! Right?
Everything he said
was just so... true.
I mean, really,
it could all end tomorrow,
and if it did, could we say that
we're getting our business done?
Could we, Mike?
I mean, we've been
sleeping through life,
hitting the snooze,
hitting the snooze.
Well, rise and shine, soul!
Time to throw back the covers
and get our business done.
Testify!
Testify.
So... what's our business?
Hmm.
Getting me a beer?
No, seriously, Mike.
Wasn't jokin'.
I've always wanted to start
a babysitting business.
I think maybe you're taking it
a bit too literally.
Am I? Am I?
Maybe my business is
an actual business.
I could call it,
"Sue's BabySuetting Service."
Oh, my God. I love it.
Don't you love it?
I'm gonna go make flyers.
And I'm gonna...
Do something, too.
Once I find out
what the hell my business is,
look out, people,
'cause I am getting it done.
♪ Get your business done ♪
♪ getting my business done ♪
Axl, are you awake?
No. Go to sleep.
I just have a question.
Did pastor Watkins say,
"Get your business done,"
or "Get your bed-ness done"?
Dang it, Brick.
I was just getting settled
into a big boy dream.
Do you know what that means?
It's just...
I've been asking mom and dad
for a bigger bed since I was 8,
but they still haven't
gotten me one.
You know mom and dad.
They never do anything for us.
That's why I'm thinking
maybe my business should be
getting myself a new bed.
If I get money from mom,
will you drive me to the store?
No.
Pretty please?
Pretty no.
Maybe your business
is spending more time
- with your little brother.
- Think about it.
You'll be going off to college
in one to three years.
Huh.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should spend more time
with the less fortunate,
like how Jesus chilled
with the lepers.
I'm not a leper.
Look, you want a new bed,
or not, leper?
Yes.
So while our kids were
getting their business done...
That left Mike and me
still figuring it out.
I mean,
I just don't get it, Mike.
Why would God give me
so much passion and energy,
but not tell me
what to do with it?
He was so clear with Joan of Arc
and people like that.
Maybe your business
is getting that dirty laundry
off the counter.
Maybe that's your business.
No, I know what my business is.
Oh, really?
You know what your business is?
Huh? Do you?
Really? Oh. So. Hmm.
What's your business, then?
Hmm? Hmm? What's your business?
Well, after my mom died,
I never told my dad
how much I appreciated him
being there for rusty and me.
It's not bad...
But you still haven't
gotten it done.
You're right.
What am I waiting for?
Hey, dad, it's me.
Just want to say thanks
for being there for us
after mom died.
Yep.
All right, then.
Business done.
I just don't know
if I can sleep on it.
Of course you can sleep on it.
Check it out--
Ten games in one table.
Got a top for shuffleboard,
got a top for ping-pong,
got a top for basketball--
Does it have a top for a bed?
Look, dude,
your business is getting
a new place to sleep.
Mine's spending more time
with you, and this rocks both.
It's what you wanted, Brick.
It's what God wanted.
Whatever.
Point is you made your bed.
Now play me a game of pool
on it. Ha ha ha.
Yeah.
Mrs. Jennings? Hi.
Sue heck, CEO of
Sue's BabySuetting Service.
I'm here to babySuet
your son Tyler.
Come on in. Hi.
This is my husband Steve.
Oh. Nice to meet you.
Tyler's just in the other room,
taking a nap.
Aww, that's so sweet.
I brought some toys for him
to play with when he wakes up!
I'm hungry.
There better be some pie left.
Oh. Is that Tyler's brother?
No, that's Tyler.
Um...
How old is he, exactly?
14, but we don't trust him
to stay home alone.
Oh, hold on. I'm not sure--
Now there's a few basic things
you should know.
He can't drink pop,
or he will freak out.
And absolutely
no ice of any kind,
or he will freak out.
And don't let him watch
anything too violent...
Or even too colorful...
Or he will freak out.
And he has to put on
his pull-ups before bed,
but you can't call 'em diapers,
or he will freak out.
They're his "space pants."
Okay.
Well, then, that's it.
We'll be home around 10:00.
Oh, uh, one more thing.
Tyler thinks
he's babysitting you,
and if he finds out that you're
babysitting him, he will--
Freak out?
Big freak-out.
Huge.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Uh, Tyler?
Whatcha watching?
"Zombie Makeout Party."
First they kill you,
then they kiss you.
Whoa. You know you are not
allowed to watch that stuff.
Hey, you're not in charge.
I am.
That's right, Tyler.
You're in charge.
And as my babysitter,
you shouldn't let me
watch that stuff.
I don't deal well
with zombie movies.
Then go to bed.
Well, that's the thing.
I don't have a bed, so why
don't I sleep here on the couch
while you go up to your bed
and babysit me from up there?
Will you stop whining?
What's that?
Oh. My ortho says I have to wear
this at least ten hours a night.
Is there anything special
you need to wear at night?
No.
Really?
'Cause...
Okay, Tyler. Well...
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
I'm a bed wetter.
Yep, so every night,
before I go to sleep,
I put on my high-tech
"space pants,"
which keep me nice and dry
as I blast off into my dreams.
You're a nerd up there
and a nerd down there.
Boom! I win!
What's the next game, huh? Ooh.
Boom! I win!
Boom! I win! Ooh!
Boom! I win. Ha ha!
Your turn.
I get it. Boom. You win.
What? You can't quit now.
I've only crushed you
in nine out of ten games.
I did better than I thought
I'd do. Good night.
Fine.
Thanks. Can I get a boost?
What? No.
We're just pausing the game.
Then where am I
supposed to sleep?
What's all this?
I found my business, Mike.
My business is beading.
I mean, how many times have I
said I wanted to bead things?
I don't know.
Zero? A thousand?
But I never did
a thing about it.
I just don't want to get to
the end of my life and look back
and think, "Wow,
I had a shot at doing
the one thing I really love,
and I didn't take it."
Beading?
I could even take these
to craft shows.
This could be huge. I just
gotta get on Oprah's radar.
You're gonna
give this to Oprah?
Well, obviously,
I'd make one special for her.
Hey, maybe you could sell these
to the guys at the quarry
for their wives.
Good night.
Getting my business done.
♪ Getting my business done ♪
Crap.
Unh!
Ow.
Good. You're awake.
Time to play air hockey.
Fine, but then can I
go back to my box?
I wasn't ready.
Okay. Beginner's luck.
All right, dude,
what are you doing?!
Oh, it's easy.
It's all angles.
What? You can't use math.
That's cheating. Wh--
Ohh, that's it!
Here comes the pain!
Unh!
Boom. I win.
After four days,
Sue finally started to recover
from what came to be known
as the Tyler incident.
Morning!
Sue, a Mrs. Jennings called.
She wants to know
if "You're available for Tyler
to babysit you on Saturday."
Must have wrote that down wrong.
Ugh! No! I don't want
to go back there.
But I guess I should.
This is my business, and I am
going to need the referrals.
I figured it out, Mike,
and here's the thing--
I was being too selfish.
The only one who benefits
from my beading is me.
Agreed.
So then I got to thinking,
maybe my business should be
other people's business.
Uh-huh.
Look at this.
I Googled the word "sad,"
and a million things came up.
Orphans, stray animals,
old people--
The whole world needs my help.
Your shirt's inside out.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Kids love animals.
Old people love kids.
Why are we still building
separate orphanages, pounds,
and retirement homes? Seriously,
let's get them together.
Why hasn't anybody
thought of this before?
Huh?
That's what I'm gonna do.
I am gonna build
the world's first super-shelter.
First...
I gotta pick a location--
Something that's convenient
for both humans and animals.
Then I gotta get bids
from contractors
and sign up volunteers.
Oh, well, first I need
to write a grant proposal.
I gotta call congress.
Game.
Rematch!
I've already given you
a hundred rematches.
I'm retiring my paddle.
Okay, just hear me out.
If you beat me, I'll do
your homework for a month.
Thanks, but I'd like
to see the fifth grade.
Okay, I won't make you
do my homework for a month.
Throw in this guitar pick,
and you're on.
Fine, but what do you
want my pick for?
Oh, I like to lick it.
This way, I don't have to
do it in secret anymore.
Come on.
What's my business, damn it?
What, what, what, what, what?
Everyone else is shoving
their business in my face.
Rude.
If I could just fall asleep,
maybe it'd come to me
in a dream.
What's that pounding?
I could make first aid kits
for soldiers overseas.
I left my purse in the car.
Should I go get it?
I should go get it.
But that woman down the street
got mugged. Hope she's okay.
Did I floss? I need a beer.
Seriously,
what is that pounding?
Is that my pulse?
It's like a hammer.
Am I supposed to feel
my heartbeat in my tongue?
That's gotta be wrong.
What's happening to me? Okay.
Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'm going to get band-aids
for my soldier first aid kits!
Run! It's a makeout zombie!
The makeout zombie!
Sticky gauzes...
Unsticky gauzes...
Oh, God. What am I doing?
The army has first aid kits.
Okay, what else?
What else can I do?
First aid kits
for animals at the pound.
Excuse me.
Where's your pet section?
I need dog thermometers.
Do they even make those?
Or should I just use
baby thermometers?
And what about
something for cats?
Do you have something
for homeless cats
so that they can do this?
Um, are you feeling okay,
ma'am?
Kind of no.
I can hear my heartbeat
like a thump, thump, thump.
Just-- just take my pulse.
Um... I'm actually not allowed
to touch the customers anymore.
But we got
a blood pressure chair.
Come on.
Just one more game?
I flipped through
my geometry book in the john
and totally figured out angles.
But you have
nothing left I want.
Really? Nothing?
Well, there is one thing.
Dad!
I'm babysitting a 14-year-old,
and he thinks we're on a date.
All right. I'm taking it
from here. Go on home.
Okay, but there's a bunch
of things you need to know.
He can't have ice,
and he has to wear his pull-ups,
but you can't call 'em--
Sue, I raised three kids.
I'll be fine.
Okay, Tyler! Time for bed!
Turn off the TV
and put on your diapers!
Yikes.
160 over 102?
Time to cut down
on the cookie dough.
Okay. Message received.
You can let me go now.
Come on!
Hello?!
Hey. Excuse me! Cat toy guy!
Can you get me
out of this thing? Ooh.
Whoa. Your blood pressure
is really high.
Oh, you think?!
Dad, are you okay?
Nope.
That kid freaked out.
Brick.
Are you awake?
No. Go to sleep.
Will you play with me
again tomorrow?
No.
Pretty please?
Pretty no.
I called the 800 number
on the chair...
But they're closed
till morning.
Well, just unplug it, then!
Oh, you looking at me?!
Yeah, go ahead.
Take a good, long look,
'cause this is what happens
if you wake up to life too late!
And then you try to get your business
done and you can't!
And nobody wants a gymnastics
teacher without any experience.
They don't! I tried!
I tried everything!
Frankie?
Reverend Hayver.
What's wrong?
I'm stuck.
You know, this reminds me
of a time when I was 9 years old
and I got my knee caught
in the banister
at my great Aunt Margo's house.
It was quite uncomfortable,
but I realized it taught me the divine
virtue of patience.
If I recall correctly,
the first hour
was the most trying.
As I languished there
on the staircase,
counting by the endless...
That's when I realized
why I'd been going
to Reverend Hayver
all these years.
It was the most relaxing hour
of my week.
...in the days of Ampharel
king of Shinar,
Arioch king of Ellasar...
'Cause the truth is,
as a mom with a full-time job
and three kids,
I do nothing but take care
of my and everybody else's business.
So maybe giving myself
a break every Sunday from
9 to 10 with no business at all
is getting my business done.