The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Middle - full transcript

Out here in the middle,

our kids learn early that
a penny saved is a penny earned.

And the more pennies
you save and earn,

the more stupid crap
you can buy.

I need $34.95 to buy
a pair of night vision goggles.

Sorry. Wrong family.

Let me see
if this changes your mind.

You could borrow them.

I've seen this place
in the daytime.

I don't need
to see it at night.

What do you need night vision
goggles for, anyway?



I want to read in the dark.

Look, if it's too expensive,
I'm willing to go for the ones.

Without the no-chafe head strap,
but they're clearly not as good.

Brick, the answer's "no."

If you want to buy
something dumb you don't need,

you gotta be able
to pay for it.

Well, til you get
a credit card.

What happened to
your money from grandma?

I spent it on books.

Christmas?
Books.

Birthday?
Books.

Well, that'll teach you to waste
all your money on books. Mm.

Listen, Brick, if you really
want the goggles that bad,

you're gonna have to go out
and earn the money yourself.



Okay.

Might I either of you
be interested

in buying some used books?

Meanwhile, Sue was cheering
like there was no tomorrow.

It was the last match
of the last meet.

Of the wrestling season,
and everything was on the line.

Aah! We won?

- We won! Aah!
- We're number one!

That's right...
Despite all the odds,

the Orson high wrestling team
had finally won one meet.

Matt!
This is the best day ever!

You won the meet,
and I was waiting to tell you,

I'm finally getting
my braces off. Aah!

Isn't this exciting?
Why aren't you excited?

I have something to tell you.

Oh, no. What's wrong? Do you
like me better with braces?

I can keep 'em if you want.

I really don't mind the swollen
gums and the headaches.

I'm moving.

What?

Where?

To Zionsville.
M-m-my dad got a new job.

No. You... you can't move away.
Everything's perfect now.

You're winning wrestling,
I'm getting my braces off...

We're practically
a power couple.

Look, we'll... we'll e-mail
and call each other,

and it'll be like
nothing changed.

I know it sucks,
but we still have till tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

My dad's already there.

I didn't say anything
'cause I guess I was hoping.

My dad would get fired
or something.

He's not
the most reliable worker.

Oh, Matt.

Oh, this must be love,

'cause you smell so bad
right now, and I don't care.

I made dinner.

Hey, Axl. You want some fries?

Tater puffs?

- Axl! Are you nuts?
- What's the matter with you?

Coach says
I gotta improve my pickoff move.

If I want to pitch this season.

Ooh!
Stop it.

What? Doesn't work if people
see it coming.

Ooh, Sue! Got you corn on the cob.

I know you missed it.

This is the worst day ever.

Oh, no. What happened?

Well, you know how I had
an overbite-crossbite?

Seems they overcorrected,

and now I have
an underbite-overbite.

Is that even a thing?

The doctor said
it's unprecedented.

I'm devastated!

This is a catastrophe!

Ow, ow, ow.

I can't even hurl myself!

Oh, honey.

It's not that bad.
I'm sure it's...

How many hours of the day
do you have to wear this?

All of 'em.

"All of 'em," huh?

Well, you know, you don't
even notice it after a while,

and... and if you wear your hair the right way...

Whoa.
What'd they do to you?

And this isn't
even the worst thing.

Matt's moving away.

Oh, no. Really?

That means he won't
be able to come around.

And hang out here
all the time any more?

What? I'm upset.

I'm going to my room.

I think I'd just like to be
alone with my thoughts,

and plus, my lip is bleeding.

Okay.

We'll be in the kitchen
if you need anything.

Ay-yi-yi.

Well, I took your advice,
and I got a job.

You're giving Chinese massages?

No, underneath that.

You're looking at the new
paperboy at the "Orson herald."

Oh, no. I don't think so, Brick.
You're too young and too...

You know, everything.

But you told me
I should earn my own money.

Yeah, figuring you'd give up.

Look, Brick, a real job
is a lot of responsibility.

I'll approach it with

the same sense of responsibility
I always do.

That's what
we're afraid of. Look...

Hold on, hold on.
You know what?

I think this might
be good for him.

You do?
Mm-hmm.

I'd like to remind you that
we never did find that gerbil.

Brick.

I think what your mom's trying
to say is if we let you do this,

you gotta take it seriously.

There's no quitting,
no "I forgets."

People are depending on you...
Actual people, not just us.

You got it?

You can count on me...

To do whatever it is
we were just talking about.

So Brick was now
a working stiff,

and he attacked his new job.

With all the gusto
that he attacked life.

Well, Matt and I just talked,

and we decided
our love cannot be killed.

Axl!

Anyway,
even though he's moved away,

we're both committed

to maintaining
a long-distance relationship.

It's all very adult
and romantic,

like an Anne Hathaway movie.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you hearing this?

Get real, Sue. It's over.

Matt's just the first of many
guys who are gonna "move away."

Axl. Seriously, mom,
tell her she's...

Delusional.

Aah! That's Matt.

Let it ring.

Nancy's looking for volunteers
to pack lunches for the poor.

I do that every morning.

Hello.

Your son or daughter
was absent from school today.

Please have them...

Not me. I mostly went to school today.

I don't skip.

Whew. I'm beat. This whole job
thing is a real grind.

Brick, did you
not go to school today?

Yes, I did not.

Come on. It took you this long to finish
your paper route?

Oh, I wish. I'd say
I'm roughly two-thirds done.

I just came home
to grab a flashlight.

I really could use those
night vision goggles now, huh?

Ironic.

That's out of batteries, like
everything else in this house,

and besides, you're not
going out again. It's too late.

Look, I don't know
what you were doing out there,

but I'll take you out tomorrow.

And see if we can shave
a little time off this route.

You call that a pickoff move?

So the next morning,

Mike took Brick out
to show him how it's done.

Now you can't walk
all the way up to each house.

It takes too long. Just throw it
onto the porch from here.

Go ahead. Give it a toss.

Hmm.

Really launch it this time,
all the way to the porch.

So once Brick got
the hang of it,

day three of paper delivery
went even better.

Hey, what are you doing?
Shouldn't Brick be doing that?

He's sick.

Really?

Two days on the job,
and he's suddenly sick?

No, he is. He threw up.

Ugh. Was it hard to clean up?

You'll let me know.

See? I knew it'd go faster
if we both did it. Mm.

Johnsons... 322.

Yeah. Beats cleaning up barf.
We really should get a dog.

Mm.
Hey, this is weird.

The other day, when I was
putting t-shirts in your drawer,

I found a whole bunch
of batteries.

Yeah.

"Yeah"? Oh, you knew
they were in there?

Yep.

Hey, the Duncans didn't pick up
their paper from yesterday.

So you knew we had batteries?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

What?

Might have been nice
to say something.

When you knew we needed 'em.

So why didn't you?

"Why didn't I" what?

Say something
when we needed batteries.

'Cause I didn't need batteries.

You needed batteries,
and those batteries are mine.

Yours?

Yeah. My batteries.

But we don't just hoard
our own separate batteries.

We have a place for batteries...
The junk drawer.

Yeah, the house batteries
go in the junk drawer.

But there are never any house
batteries in the junk drawer.

Exactly.
I know how this place works.

Open a pack of batteries,

it's like throwing
a loaf of bread to pigeons.

- Great, you missed your throw.
- Now I gotta back up.

Axl, I need your phone.

Sha! Some hot chick
must have got my number.

She's texting me
some pretty serious pg 13 stuff.

No, I need to
tell you something.

Tell me how to spell "fondle"
and then beat it.

Axl, those texts are from Matt.

Right.

Matt's some hot chick who wants
to do stuff to my stuff.

No, I used up
all my monthly texts yesterday,

so I told Matt
to text me on your phone.

Oh, God. This is Matt? Uhh!

That is so not cool.
Brrr! Ugh!

And tell him
the picnic by the lake is off.

Sorry about that, Matt.
I have the phone now.

Now we can
talk and text at the same time.

You guys have gotta do something
about your daughter.

You two are out
driving around having fun.

While Sue's out there
making a fool of herself.

She's going around telling
people that she and Matt.

Are gonna be together forever.
You gotta tell her the truth!

Axl, look.

You guys are getting older,
and it's not our place.

To step in the middle
of all your romantic dramas.

Oh, my God.

That's the laziest
parenting ever.

Mm! Look, mom and dad should be
the ones talking to you,

but they won't
'cause they're lame.

And they know nothing
about relationships.

I mean, if they did, why would
they be with each other?

Axl, I'm sort of busy.

Here's the deal.
You're being a huge dork,

and this isn't even about your
brace face, even though I have,

like, 50 things
I could say on the subject,

but that's for another day.

How can I explain?

Sue, when you started
high school,

you could have stepped it up.

And hung out
with some cooler people.

And maybe had a shot
at a somewhat normal guy,

but what do you do?
You join wrestlerettes.

I founded wrestlerettes.

Making my point for me.

Next, you date a hobbit.

And never once stop to think
how it would affect me.

Before you do anything...

Anything...
You need to ask yourself,

"how does this affect
my super cool brother?"

I'm sorry, Axl, but Matt and I
are gonna be together forever,

so get used to it.

You're nuts.

Long-distance relationships
don't work for guys.

We need our girlfriends
right in front of us,

and even that
doesn't always work.

If they're standing next to
their better-looking friend.

Well, Matt isn't
like other guys.

No argument there,
but he's still a guy.

Oh, and, uh, just so you
appreciate how nice I'm being,

I haven't said a thing
about your stupid headgear.

And the things
I have are good...

And really funny, but I'm not
saying 'em, not even...

"Cage match," which is
my favorite one I came up with,

so, yeah, you're welcome.

Brick's feeling better.
Should we wake him up?

- Do we have to?
- It's faster without him.

Sue.

- Sue.
- Did you sleep here all night?

Oh. I guess I feel asleep
talking to Matt.

It's tough being the new kid.

Lucky, there's this kind soul
in his homeroom named sheri.

Who's showing him around.

You got a little...

Oh, I gotta decrust.

Oh, I need a butter knife.
It's really in there.

Ow.

By the way...

I know you moved the batteries.

I knew you'd look for 'em,
which is why I moved 'em.

- Fine. Move 'em. I don't care.
- I'll find 'em. I don't know.

It took you ten years
to find the first ones.

Seriously?

You've had your own batteries
for ten years?

So that time
I couldn't turn my neck

and I needed batteries
for my massager, you had them?

Yeah, but I gave you a massage.

Oh, you squeezed
the back of my neck.

And said, "that should do it."

Why are you
so upset about this?

'Cause we're married, Mike.
You don't get to have

your own secret stash
of bachelor batteries.

Why not? Why can't I have
one thing that's mine?

Because that's not marriage.

When you're married,
you share everything.

Everything?
Yeah.

What about your frosting?

What are you talking about?
That frosting's for anybody.

It's right there
in the cabinet.

Oh, no, I'm not talking
about that frosting.

I'm talking about
the garage frosting.

You know about that?

Few years ago, I came across
a couple cans of frosting.

Hidden behind the paintbrushes,

but did I make
a big deal out of it?

No, 'cause if you want
to have something for yourself,

I'm okay with that.

Yeah, well, you can't possibly
compare frosting to batteries.

They're completely different.

Really? In what way?

Seriously? You don't know?

And why were you snooping around
in the paintbrushes, anyway?

Hmm? You don't even paint.

Sue, what do you think?

Should I upgrade
to the camouflage goggles.

For only $5?

Brick, I'm on the phone.

What the heck? I should
treat myself. I'm working hard.

Oh, you have to go?
Okay. Bye.

Sheri's walking Matt to school.
Mm.

I'm so happy he found her.
She is so helpful.

She even showed him
where the movie theater is.

They say love is blind...

Oh, you're studying with Sheri?

Well, thank her for me for
taking such good care of you.

But in Sue's case,
love is also deaf...

It's so great, 'cause Sheri just
broke up with her boyfriend,

so she's kind of lonely, too.

But Matt says she's super funny
and smart and pretty,

so hopefully,
she'll find someone soon.

That way, Matt and I
can double-date.

And kind of dumb.

Here's why frosting's
different from batteries.

No one ever needed frosting
in an emergency.

You, last tornado watch.

Why won't you let this go?

So I've got a draw
full of batteries.

It's not like
I have a mistress.

A mistress? Wow.
You went there awfully fast.

How did we get
from batteries to mistress?

I'm just saying,
some guys cheat on their wives.

I have batteries.
You should be happy.

Oh, you're right.

Sorry if I don't say it enough,
but thank you for not cheating.

- All right.
- This is perfect. Stop the car.

What are you doing?

We have to put the newspapers on
the porches, or they'll get wet.

You should have put the papers
in the plastic things.

Oh, yeah, thanks for that.

How was I supposed to know
it was gonna rain?

It says "rain today"
on top of the paper.

You know what the really sad part is, Mike?

That when we were dating,

you would have shared
your batteries.

Now I gotta stumble across 'em.

While I'm putting away
your giant boxer shorts,

which, by the way, you've also
had since we were dating.

Get back in the car, Frankie.

No! People need
to get their papers.

Yeah, it's, uh, really urgent
they read about...

"95-year-old Jasper Harris,

who died yesterday,
planting tomatoes."

So you just want to quit?

Look, we're trying to
teach our son a lesson here.

It's about showing Brick
how to do a job well.

I'd love to show him!
I'd love to show him right now!

Where the hell is he?!

Morning. I hope you wrapped
the papers in plastic.

Last thing I need is a bunch
of angry phone calls.

That's it, Brick. You quit.

Really? I thought
it was going so well.

I even thought
about adding a second route.

Mom!

Matt just called
and broke up with me.

He says he wants
to see someone else,

and you'll never guess who.

Sheri.

Knock, knock. Hi.

We're just here
to drop off the newspaper bag.

Ohh. You're the folks
whose kid is quitting the route.

Yeah. I'm so sorry.
You got our e-mail?

Oh, sure, sure.

'Course, in my day,
when you quit a job,

you looked a man in the eye
and told him you were quitting.

Uh... okay. We're quitting.

So you're raising a quitter?

Actually, we're raising
three quitters.

That supposed to be a joke?
'Cause in my day,

when you took a job,
it meant something...

A little thing
called "responsibility."

Oh, y... you don't know us,

but we're all about
responsibility.

We take responsibility
very seriously.

And being responsible's why you
let him quit after four days?

Oh, no. He actually quit
way before that.

See, you gotta know Brick.
He starts things he can't...

Well, tell him, Mike.
Tell him what he does.

Mike's the one
who thought he could do it.

I never really thought
he could do it.

And let me guess.
You encouraged him anyway?

Yeah.

You parents today,
always encouraging your kids,

telling 'em what a good job
they're doing.

It's no wonder
they all grow up to be singers.

Look, uh, why don't we just
give you the money back.

And call it a day? What was it,
uh, 8 bucks for the week?

Here's 10. Keep the change.

Oh, sure, just... just throw
your money at the problem.

You rich people make me sick.

No!
Trust me, we're not rich.

Between the two of us,
we have four jobs.

Are you gonna quit those, too?

Hey, now hold on a minute.

No, you hold on.

Okay, let's all hold on.
This is crazy.

We're all getting worked up.

About a silly,
little local newspaper.

"A silly paper."

This "silly, little paper"
put a roof over my head.

Newspapers used to start wars,
take down presidents.

Now nobody seems to have time
to read the paper any more,

too busy running around

with their ithings
and their sketch phones.

No, no, I don't have
any of those things.

Jasper Harris died
planting tomatoes.

He was a world war II Vet who
stormed the beaches of normandy,

won the medal of honor,
so you two could have.

The freedom to mollycoddle
your irresponsible kid.

No one's gonna honor Jasper,

'cause CNN isn't coming
to Orson. No, no, no, no.

And you two don't seem
to think it's important.

That this "silly, little local
newspaper" gets delivered.

Eh. Keep your batteries.

Yep, in a family,

sometimes you end up
doing somebody else's job,

but if you're lucky,

someone'll step up
and help you do yours.

Oh, my God. Seriously?

I was upset about Matt,
so I threw myself on the bed,

and then the blanket
got stuck in my headgear,

and now I can't get it out!

I can't believe you're still
moping around over that loser.

Would you hold still?
Ugh.

There. Got it.

But what if nobody ever
loves me like that again?

Ugh. Why do you
not listen to me?

I told you before,
guys could...

Like you.

Really?

Trust me, I see a lot of girls

where I go, "how does
she have a boyfriend?"

But you know what?
They do, so...

Why not you?

Aw, Axl!

If you don't blow it.

Like, sticking your head to
the furniture is not gonna help.

What are you doing right now?

Well, I was gonna
write out the entire lyrics

to "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce
and send it to Matt.

Okay, you're not doing that.

You can come with me
to my baseball game.

I'll revise my previous rule.

About not being
seen with you ever.

To you occasionally
hanging with me.

As long as it's been
cleared in advance.

Thanks, Axl.

Bring $5 for gas and...

change your shoes.
I might need a push start.

Come on, Axl. You can do it.

Go, Axl!

Two outs!
Watch that runner, heck!

Aw!

Sue!

That was a really good
pickoff move, Axl.

I didn't see it coming at all.

Feeling better, honey?

Yeah. The ball deflected
off my headgear,

so it only got my forehead.

How lucky am I
to have headgear, huh?

I don't think these things work
without double "a" batteries.

Do we have double "a" batteries?
Double "a."

I don't know, Mike. Do we?

Nope.

Okay then.

Well, I guess I will go out
to buy some at the store.

Since we don't have any
in the house.

Guess so.

All right.
Going out into the cold now.

Bundle up.

Okay then. I'm doing it.

Here I go. I'm off...

To get batteries. Mm-hmm.

Walking down the steps.

That night, I went out and
bought a 40-pack of batteries

and hid 'em with my frosting, and
we never fought again...

About that.