The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Middle - full transcript

There's something comforting

about a morning routine.

It just sets the tone
for the whole day.

Get up! It's 7:30, people!

Okay, I get it!

7:30!

Oh, come on.

Why are you just
standing there?

I'm taking a minute.

No more minutes!

Did you pack your backpack
last night before bed



like I told you?

I told you I did.

Then what did I put yogurt in?

Yogurt.

Axl?

It's 7:37.

Ew!

Calm it down, mom.
I don't need a babysitter.

No, you need an exterminator!

Did I not tell you
to clean this room?

Things are hatching
in this place.

Brick, did you bring home
the coffee maker

we took to school
for teacher appreciation day?

Um...



"Um," what? "Um," you forgot?
I stole that from work, Brick.

I've been telling you
to bring it home all week.

Fine, I'll bring
the coffeemaker home.

Is that what
you want me to say?

No, that's what
I want you to do.

Just do it.

Axl!

I'm right here.

Have you even started
your book report on this?

You know,
you have practice later.

- You're not gonna have time--
- Why are you all up in my business?

God. It's like
you're stalking me.

No. Stalking is following
someone you're a fan of.

I'm not a fan of yours
right now.

Sue, where's your coat?

You lost your coat again,
didn't you?

I'm pretty sure
I'll find it today.

Yeah, well, you better, because
I'm not buying you another one.

No more coats, and that goes
for the rest of you, too.

- What?
- What did we do?

I don't like the way
this morning's going.

Everyone keeps forgetting
everything all the time.

No more coats for anybody.

- And no more big drinks at the movies!
- You can't do that. That--

- Yes, I can.
- That has nothing to do with this!

- Okay, Brick, what are you
bringing home from school? - Um...

- Axl, could you grab my homework? - Just
'cause Sue forgets her stupid jacket...

- That's not what it is. - Doesn't mean
I can't get a soda at the movies.

- Give me your arm. - Hey, hey. I'm
probably gonna find it, okay?

- "Coffeepot."
- Get out, get out, get out?

- Can't tell me not to get a soda.
- Okay? Do not forget that coffeepot!

I can't believe
you forgot that coffeepot.

Is it really that surprising?

You know what would
be surprising?

If you got in your pj's
and went to bed.

Hey, no, no, no. No tv till
you finish that book report.

What?

Don't talk back,
or it's no tv ever.

Sue, where's your coat?

I found it at school.

And you left it
in the restaurant.

Go put it away
and do your homework.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

I'm making eggs!

You just ate four hamburgers
seven minutes ago!

Go read your book! Did I not
tell you to get your pj's on?

I never got my good night kiss.

Everybody said they wanted to go
to bronco burger, and I told you

if we go to bronco burger,
you lose your snuggle time.

- I'm not kissing anybody good night.
- No more kisses.

- Go to bed!
- You heard her.

In fact, I don't like
the way this night is going.

Everybody go to bed.

- What?!
- Why do we have to go to bed?

Because I said so.

From now on, everybody
goes to bed right after dinner.

And no more dessert ever!

Why are we always so tired?

I can think of three reasons.

Is it just me, or are
they worse than usual lately?

Oh, they're worse,
which is hard to believe,

'cause they weren't
that great to begin with.

I just feel like
I'm on them constantly.

They don't listen,
they don't read their arms...

When I was a kid, your mom
wrote something on your arm,

you damn well read it.

I think tomorrow,

we have to sit them down
and have a serious talk.

I mean, look at us.
We're exhausted.

We look horrible.
It's depressing.

We're sad, sad people.

Don't get me wrong.
I love our kids.

- I mean, I adore our kids, but--
- I need my stuff, Axl!

- I don't care!
- Go... to... bed!

Is Celebrity Rehab
really not coming back at all?

They canceled it?

Yep.

Oh, my God.

I'm not just upset for us,
but seriously, Mike,

where are those celebrities
gonna go? They need help.

Mom. Dad. Can we talk
to you guys for a minute?

Okay.

Why don't we all go
in the family room?

I think we'll be
more comfortable there.

Please sit down.

Okay, the three of us
have been talking,

and we're really not
feeling very good

about the way things have been
going around here lately.

It seems like there's been

a lot of strife and stress
and unnecessary discord.

And that's why
we wanted to sit you down

and have a word with you,
'cause seriously...

You guys are out of control.

- Wait.
- What?

"Sit us down"?

You're sitting us down?
Nobody sits me down.

Okay, wait, wait.
What's happening here?

I told you they'd freak out.

This doesn't need
to be confrontational.

Please, please...
Sit back down.

Fine. I will sit down.

Because my knee is bothering me,
not 'cause they asked me to.

Go on.

Here's the thing. Mom...

"Here's the thing, mom"?

Oh, it's me
we're sitting down about?

Let her finish.

Mom, it just seems like you're
nagging us all the time lately.

Oh. I see.
That's how it seems?

Yeah, it's like
you tell us what to do

before we even have
a chance to do it ourselves.

Oh, really?
Is that what it's like?

She's shutting down,
Axl. I told you she'd shut down.

I'm not shutting down.
I am listening openly to

your terrific tips for parenting
you're sending my way.

You really think
I like nagging you?

I think you do.

I think it gives you
a weird rush.

It's true. You live to nag.
You're a nag-oholic.

Well, you're a don't-do-
what-you're-supposed-to-oholic.

I think if you did a survey
of other moms, you would find

that in the world of nag,
I'm not that bad.

Oh, and, dad, your problem is
you're always giving out

these crazy punishments without
even hearing our side of things.

Sue's not allowed to have
a friend over till she's 35.

- I never said that.
- Brick.

Can you please read the minutes
from our last meeting?

Last Thursday,

Sue and Carly took the batteries
out of your remote

and put them in their
karaoke machine, and you said,

quote, "no more friends over
for 20 years," end quote.

You have meetings?

Hey, we're not just
out in the yard, breaking rocks.

We're in the prison library,

trying to figure out a way
to bust out of this joint.

We want to bust
out of this joint.

We were gonna sit you down.

Well, then, clearly,

the situation isn't really
working for any of us.

We feel like if you guys
just give us a chance

to do what we're supposed to do,
on our own,

you might get more of
the results you're looking for.

And aren't you guys
always talking about

when you were kids,

nobody was checking in on you
every minute of the day?

And you guys turned out fine.

First of all,
we did not turn out fine.

Secondly, don't use
our arguments against us.

Look, we've put a lot
of thought into this.

All we're asking
is for you to go

and consider what we've said
and get back to us. That's all.

You may go.

Hmm.
I thought that went well.

- Mm. Yeah.
- Mm.

What the hell
just happened out there?

I don't know.

I'd like to get a beer,

but I'm not sure
if I'm allowed out of my room.

They've got a lot of nerve,
talking to me like that.

You know,
it wouldn't have killed you

to jump in and defend me.

They had notes.
I was confused.

Did our kids just sit us down?

I can't believe
they sat us down.

They did not sit me down.
I sat down 'cause of my knee.

I mean, come on. I'm a nag,
and you punish them too much?

- What is that?
- I don't recall asking for their opinion.

This is my house. There's only
one opinion that matters-- Mine.

And yours.

But then again...

What are they really asking for?
I mean, think about it a second.

I'm not in the mood to think.
Just tell me what you mean.

Well, basically,
what they're asking

is for us to let them be
more responsible, right?

And isn't that
exactly what we want?

Could be less work for us.

Everybody sit down.

We're already sitting.

Damn right, you are.

Now your mom and I
have been talking,

and we decided to allow you
the opportunity

to show us that you can
be more responsible.

Not because of what you said.

We were gonna do something
very similar to this

before you ever talked to us.

Wait, so you're really gonna
stop with the nagging

and let us do this?

We are,

but you're gonna have to get
yourselves up in the morning,

take care of your own teeth,

do your book reports,
not lose your coat...

Uh, mom? You're kind of
nagging us right now.

The point is...

We're gonna trust you,

but if you kids can't handle
the responsibility, deal's off.

Okay, then.
That's it. You may go.

We were kind of planning on
hanging out here if that's okay.

It is not.

So the new deal was on,
and to our surprise,

our kids wowed us with
their amazing non-incompetence.

One, two, three, four.

And a left.

One, two, three, four.

And clap.

One, two, three, four.

Now flip around.

One...

Why is Axl reading,
and Sue's coat's there?

I know. Weird, right?

I have had
the most delightful afternoon.

- And see the bowl in the sink?
- Mm.

Axl put it there.

- No way.
- Way.

I saw it with my own two eyes.
It was like a bigfoot sighting.

One, two, three, four.

And then clap.

Hi, Axl.

...Three, four,
two, three...

I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll see you on my way back.

Two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.

And then left.
One, two, three, four.

Hey.

Why did you bring weird Ashley
into my house?

That chick's
a big bowl of wacko.

I'm having practice here, Axl,

so I have extra time
to do my homework

so I can talk to my boyfriend
on the phone tonight.

Now why don't you
get out of my beeswax

and worry about
your own beeswax?

Sorry you guys had to see that,
but he can be such a pain.

I totally get it.
14 of my brothers are like that.

Well, this doesn't suck.

Mm-hmm.

With us relieved
of our parental duties,

Mike and I were free to really
enjoy each other's company.

Now is that guy in the army,
or is he a detective?

Both.

Oh.

You know he's married to mindy
from "Mork & Mindy"?

Mm.

I saw him in a movie
on cable the other day.

He played a cop or a chef,
and it was with that guy.

You know? You like him.
He's got three names.

"Something something
something."

Michael Jessie Carson or
Corey Jessie Michaels?

- Or maybe not. Anyway, you like him.
- Did you check his alibi yet?

Hey.

Since the kids are
out of our hair at the moment,

you know what could be fun?

Ugh.

Okay, but I gotta warn you,
I didn't shave my legs.

Yeah, I know.
I'm talking about bowling.

Oh.

So Mike and I went bowling
and left the family at home.

I'm telling you,
those duggars have it right.

Let the kids police each other.

Is it just me,

or is it oddly peaceful
around here without mom and dad?

We should really consider
getting our own apartment.

If you think about it,

what purpose
do they really serve?

Just something to chew on.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Uh, okay,
I don't want to alarm anybody,

but I can't seem
to find my coat.

What?

Sue, if you lost that coat,

you're gonna blow
this sweet deal for everybody.

We told mom and dad
we could take care of ourselves!

All right. Relax.

Don't you tell me to relax, Sue!
I like what's going on here!

I like mom and dad
not talking to us!

I might have left it
at Joe's Subs.

- Can you drive me there?
- No can do.

I gotta finish reading my book.
It's, like, 200 pages.

Well, how many pages
do you have left?

200.

Axl, you have to take me
to find it.

I con't.

What does that mean?

I can, but won't.

If mom sees
I don't have my coat,

this whole thing
is gonna crack wide open.

Well, if I don't
finish this book,

this whole thing's
gonna crack wide open.

So what do we do?

"'Of Mice And Men,'
by John Steinbeck.'

"a few miles south of Soledad,

the Salinas river drops in
close to the hillside--"

You can't read every word.
Just give me the highlights.

And keep an ear out
for when the mice come in.

I think they're
gonna be important.

Wait. I didn't go to Joe's Subs
today. That was yesterday!

- Sue!
- Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm trying to think where it
could be. Stop pressuring me!

Okay, there's these two guys,

George and his big friend,
Lennie,

who are looking for work.

Lennie's carrying
a cute, little mouse.

Oh. Check that. A dead mouse.
He snapped its neck.

Ha. The mouse.
Knew there'd be a mouse.

Mm.

Wait. I remember!
I left my coat in my locker!

Whoo!

Look at us having fun.

I know. We have personalities.
Who knew?

It's 'cause we're not using up
all our energy on the kids.

I like us without kids.

Mm. Me, too.
Why did we have them, again?

I think it was mostly
for tax purposes.

Yeah.

Mm. I like this side of you.

Oh, no. You like
this side of me. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Lennie and George
just got a job at a ranch.

They're meeting
a guy named Curley,

and Lennie is making friends
with Curley's wife.

Oh, good. He found a friend.

Oh, my gosh.

I didn't believe in myself,

but after reading your poster,
I totally do. Thanks, Sue.

Shut up, Axl.

Come on. Get your coat,
and let's get out of here.

I really thought
it was in there.

Maybe someone stole it.

Yeah, there's a band of nerds
running around

stealing nerd jackets,
selling 'em to nerds in Russia.

You gotta be more responsible.
Brick! Read my book!

Aw, somebody at the ranch
is giving Lennie a puppy...

And he just killed it.

- What?! - Don't worry about the puppy.
Worry about the coat.

Okay, okay,
let me backtrack. Uh...

I had it when I went to school,
and then when I got to school,

I stopped to watch
the cafeteria lady make dough.

Then I was in the main hallway
and checked the bulletin board

to see if the principal
had posted any new updates

I should be aware of,
and then I tied my shoe.

Oh, my God.
Your day is so boring.

Maybe your coat
ran away from you.

Okay, they're back at the ranch,
and Lennie is on the bed.

The bed! That's it!

I left my coat on weird Ashley's
bed after school! Turn around!

Ugh. No way.
I am not going over there.

That chick creeps me out.

Lennie's freaking out
because he killed the puppy.

Now Curley's wife
is trying to calm him down.

She's letting him
stroke her hair.

It's working.
He's calming down.

Oh, he just snapped her neck.

Ooh.

No.

No, no, no, no, no,
it can't be snowing.

Then mom for sure will notice

if I'm not wearing
my coat tomorrow.

We have to go to Ashley's.

Fine!

All right, here we go.

Nice.

Two.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Not bad, right?
- That's great. That's my girl.

Very good.

Hoo.

All right.
Watch this now.

Okay.

Hi.

- Hey. - You know, my wife and I
were talking, and, uh,

you guys look like
you're about our age,

but you're having so much fun.

- Dad!
- Get more quarters from your mom.

Are you on a first date
or something?

I've been married 19 years
and have 3 kids.

Then who's she married to?

I don't remember
seeing your coat,

but you can go check in my room,
but don't open the black box.

Okay. Thanks, Ashley.

Uh--

Hi, Axl. Do you want to use
my bathroom, since I used yours?

No, thanks.

How are your sports doing?

They're fine.

Isn't this the season where
you play with the round ball?

It's called basketball.

Right, 'cause sometimes I see
you playing with an oblong ball.

Other times, you're playing
with a small ball and a stick.

Yep.

You were playing
with a small ball

when we went to prom last year.

Yeah.

I had a really good time.

Uh-huh.

We should do that again.

Yeah, yeah, we should.

Great.

Mom! Axl just asked me
to prom with him!

Wait, what?
That's not what I was--

Uh, the coat's not there,
and I looked in the black box.

- Let's go.
- Uh--

My mom will call your mom

to find out
what color cape I should wear.

Mm-hmm.

How did I ask weird Ashley
to prom again? How?!

Good news.
Lennie just escaped.

She must have put
some kind of spell on me.

I bet she took one of
my hairs from our bathroom.

Now Curley's organizing a mob,
and they're going after him.

She's the weirdest girl
in school and probably a witch,

and now I'm going to prom
with her, two years in a row.

I might as well just marry her
and get it over with,

'cause it's not like I've got
a choice in the matter.

He and George
are hiding by a pond.

Lennie's flipping out,

but George is telling him
about the rabbits.

He says they're going to live
on a farm and raise the rabbits.

Lennie's hugging him.

Aw.

Curley and the boys
are getting closer.

George is pulling out a gun.

Whoa, he's gonna
fight off the bad guys?

He just shot Lennie
in the back of the head!

- What?!
- No way.

This shouldn't be called,
"Of Mice And Men."

It should be called,
"Of Men Killing Other Men"!

Why would he kill
his best friend?

Maybe he made him drive around
looking for his stupid coat,

his stupid, third grade,
heart-splattered coat.

Oh, the coat with the hearts
on it? I know where that is.

What?

Seriously, Sue?
It's been here the whole time?

Brick!
This is all your fault!

You would have heard us
talking about the coat

if you didn't have
your nose in a stupid book!

Ah, gee, I'm sorry
if I wasn't listening

because I was reading the book
that Axl's supposed to read.

Brick's right. You are
totally irresponsible, Axl.

This is why mom nags you!

No, mom nags me
'cause every time

she looks at my young face,
she feels old and gross.

She nags you 'cause you're
a stupid coat-losing dork.

Well, we would have
found my coat a long time ago

if you cleaned this filth hole
every once in a while!

Oh, you're a mom now?
Fine, mom. I'll clean my room.

Aah!

- Aah! The moth went in my ear!
Get it out! Get it out! - Aah!

Really?

- I can hear it flapping!
- Ohh. Ugh.

Everything is gonna
be fine, Brick.

If it goes in his brain,
he's dead.

What?! Why is this
happening to me?!

It's Ashley!
I told you she was a witch!

She turned herself into a moth,

and now she's going
after my brother!

It's burrowing!

Just stay calm!
I need scissors and matches.

Aah!

It's different for everybody.

Yeah, and I'm no expert,

but I think the secret
to raising good kids

is to just give 'em
the space to succeed. Right?

When they screw up,
just sit 'em down.

Yeah.

Oh. That's the kids. Hello?

Hey, mom, quick question.

If we had to go
to the emergency room,

and I'm not saying we do,

what would be
the best one to go to?

Get it out!
Get it out!

What is in that needs
to get out, and where is it?

Okay.

Mike, we gotta go.

It was nice meeting you,
and forget everything we said.

We don't know a damn thing.

- Is he okay?
- Where's Brick?

- Oh, I think so.
- It's okay.

The doctor says this kind of
stuff happens all the time, so--

Well, that was a first.

Brick, are you all right?

Yep, and I get to keep the moth.
I named him "Lennie."

Oh, and, uh,
here's some pencils.

I found a note on his stomach

he was supposed
to bring some home.

Ohh. Well, thank you so much.

See? This is why
we have to stay on you guys,

because if we don't,
everything falls apart.

We also found this Monopoly
piece in his ear, and, well,

from the looks of it, it's been
there for a few months.

Ha! That one
was on your watch.

What did I tell you when
we found the top hat in there?

I asked you
if there was anything else.

We got a code mom.
I need a nag-ectomy, stat!

Hey. You looking
for a punishment?

'Cause as far as I'm concerned,

- all of you are grounded
until I'm too old to care. - Yeah.

- No! That's ridiculous.
- Yes, because...

- Oh, yeah? You want a piece of this?
- And I agree with your dad...

- Now I remember why I put the
top hat in there. - You sat us down,

- and then you told us that you could be responsible.
- We were responsible, mom!

- We were s-- We were so responsible!
- Folks, folks.

Obviously,
there's a lot going on here,

and that happens
when you have a big family.

Why don't you all sit down?

When something like this
happens, it's common for...

What the doctor didn't realize

was there was no cure
for our problem.

Things didn't work
when the kids were in charge,

but it's not like they worked
so great when Mike and I were.

So we all just nodded our heads

and acted like
what he said was sinking in.

I knew he was just
trying to help,

but we could have told him...

Sit-downs never work.