The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Middle - full transcript

Ah, Valentine's Day...

The official end of Christmas.
You know,

we really should start taking
the Christmas tree down sooner.

Look around.
We should do a lotta things.

This whole school business
is grueling.

I just turned in
a book report on "Artemis Fowl."

Now she's making us
write a paper on love.

I'm 10. I don't know
anything about love.

Well, that's what
the Internet's for.

Just get on it, type in "love,"
and see what comes up.

You know what? Never mind.



Hey, what are you guys
doing for Valentine's Day?

Maybe I could
write my paper about that.

That'd be one sad story...

'Cause we're not
doing anything, right?

I didn't plan anything.

I-I guess I could
plan something.

I will... if you want me to.

I don't know.
I guess, if you want to.

Do you want to go to dinner
or something?

Nah, lot of people,
long wait...

Movie?

We'll fall asleep. We could
do that at home for free.

How about we just stay home?
We know we love each other.

We don't need to shower
and put on control top pantyhose



to prove it.

And since it's Valentine's,

I can bring home
a bucket of chicken...

Unless you want candy
or flowers or something.

Eh, waste of money.
Just the chicken's good.

We'll eat in our sweats

and fall asleep
in front of the TV.

Sounds like a date.

Wait. You're gonna
want to watch sports.

Separate rooms?

Done. Bucket of chicken,
sweats, TV, separate rooms.

Yeah, ooh, we still got it.

Guess I'm hitting the Internet.

Is your parental control
password still "1-2-3-4"?

Well, I just got
the lamest assignment ever.

Get in line.

Mrs. Johnson is forcing us
to write a speech or do a video

on a life-changing event,
something I haven't had.

I mean, people who meet me

have the life-changing event
'cause of my awesomeness,

but I can't very well
meet myself, now, can I?

What am I gonna do?

Wait till the last minute,

and turn in something that
squeaks you by with a C minus?

Yeah, that was totally my plan,

but then I found out
this is, like, 30% of my grade.

I mean, that's more than half,
and I got nothing-- Nothing.

Axl, you're only 17.

Nobody expects
an Earth-shattering story.

Just think of something
that was meaningful to you

and write about that.

You know what's life-changing?

Helping your dad
snap this tree into 400 pieces

so it'll fit
in the trash barrel.

Would you like to buy
a Valentine's carnation?

The white ones
are for your friends.

'Cause Valentine's
isn't just about boyfriends.

If you don't have a boyfriend,
it's perfectly okay.

I am so glad
we have boyfriends.

Me, too. So where's Matt
taking you for Valentine's Day?

Well, he hasn't officially
said anything yet,

but I'm sure he will.

We already declared
our love for each other, so...

Yeah, it's probably on.

So on.

Wow. Did you ever think we'd be
in high school with boyfriends?

I mean, me,
a big-time wrestlerette

with a hotshot
wrestler boyfriend,

and you,
in freshman girls' chorus

with your hot dog on a stick
boyfriend.

We are ruling
this school! Yeah.

Ooh, carnation...

- Frankie, hi.
- Hey there.

- Hey. - Well, isn't this a hoot,
running into you?

What are the odds?
We should buy a lottery ticket.

Hey, that's a lot of candy.

Ugh. Brick's class.

Apparently, it's not enough
to just give out cards anymore.

Now you gotta tape on little
candy hearts and lollipops.

I could smack the mom
that started that tradition.

Uh-oh. It might have been me.

So you and Mike doing anything
special for Valentine's Day?

Nah, we talked about it,
but let's face it-- It's not like

going out with our husbands
is that much fun anyway.

It's just staring at 'em
in a different location.

You know, Valentine's
would be a lot more fun

if you could go out
with your friends.

Well, who says we can't?

I just got a coupon in the mail
for the Fountain Room.

That place with the room
with the fountain?

Mm-hmm. They're having this
amazing Valentine's Special.

You get an appetizer,
choice of meat, soup, salad,

endless bread bowl, pie,
and coffee, for $9.99.

You know what? Let's do it.

Let's all go
to the fountain room together.

Without the guys?

No, we should probably
bring 'em,

but this way, we'll have
each other to talk to.

Relax. We're gonna buy it.

He must be new.

Dudes, it's, like,
a totally lame assignment.

I mean, we're only juniors.

What big, life-changing event
could we have even had?

I know. It sucks.

I'm probably just gonna write
about the time I got trapped

under the ice at Patoka Lake.

That counts, right?

What?

Yeah.

I can't decide between the time

I helped deliver my baby sister
at the carpet store,

or the time
I was pronounced dead

for 2 minutes when I was 6.

What do you guys like better?

Sue was sure
Matt was going to ask her out

for Valentine's Day,
so she played it cool.

Well, Sue cool.

Sue, we've been in love
for almost three weeks now,

and I was wondering

if you were doing anything
for Valentine's Day.

I am not.

I am not at all.

Excellent.

I'd like to take you to this
great Italian place that I know.

I have a meet the next day,
so I can't eat,

but I'd really enjoy
watching my lady eat.

That sounds great.

- Sue, are you okay?
- No, not at all.

All of a sudden, Matt's turned
into the world's worst kisser.

What do you mean?

Out of nowhere,
he puts his--his tongue...

Into... my mouth.

Oh, my God. What is that?
Who does that?

- Well-- - I can't help
but feel bad for him.

It's like he totally
forgot how to kiss.

I mean, what place does a tongue
have in kissing?

What should I do?

I mean, I don't want
to embarrass him,

but he has to be told.

on how to tell your boyfriend
he's a bad kisser.

I'm gonna go check it out.

I really need
to talk to Sue more.

Sue, I'd prefer not
to yell like mom does,

but you're hogging
the computer,

and I need to research
my paper on love,

so if I have to,
I will go there.

Let me ask you,
if you were a bad kisser,

which one would you rather hear
from your girlfriend--

"A"-- "Ew! No!"

"B"--"Would you like to peruse

this pamphlet
I found on kissing?"

Or "C"--"how about
we take a break from kissing

and go get a fro-yo?"

As much as I love
a good pamphlet,

I'd go with fro-yo.

Fro-yo.

Hey.

Oh, hey. New plan. We're going
out for Valentine's Day.

What? Oh, no.

I really liked our old plan--
The TV and the chicken.

No, no. This is good.
It's not just us.

Ron and Bill
are gonna be there.

Oh, okay. That's fine, then.

All right. I need everyone
in here, like, now.

What's going on?

Okay. I finished my speech
on a life-changing event.

I think I really nailed it,

and I kind of want
to practice on you guys.

Do I have to?

He didn't help me
take the tree out.

Ahem.

"My life-changing event,
by Axl Heck."

"There was a moment
not that long ago,"

when an event happened
that changed my life,

a moment that made me question

everything I knew
about myself to be true.

I thought
this girl was really hot,

and I asked her out,
and she said, 'no, '

and then I was like,
'why? Am I not hot?'

and I couldn't believe it,

'cause a lot of people
think I'm hot,

but maybe I wasn't hot.

Maybe I was wrong
about being hot.

So I stood
in front of the mirror,

staring at myself
for, like, eight hours,

asking myself,
'am I hot or not hot?'

and as I reflected
on my reflection,

I realized, 'you're the ax-man.
Of course you're hot.'

so then, like,
I asked her out again,

"and she said, 'yes.'
The end."

Enjoy summer school.

Ohh, this is all your fault!

You know why I haven't had
a life-changing event?

'Cause nothing in my life
has happened-- Nothing!

I mean, we're not
rich enough to travel,

we're not poor enough
to live out of our car,

mom's not on the Internet,
stripping for money,

and dad doesn't get drunk
and beat anyone.

Not yet.

Axl, I'm sure you have
plenty of things to write about

if you just think about it.

What about the time you helped
out at the homeless shelter?

Shrug.

How about everything you did
to help out Aunt Edie?

Yawn.

Well, I have tons of things
that changed my life--

Wrestlerettes,
Justin Bieber's Christmas album,

dating Matt...

That e-mail grandma forwarded me
about that wild pony...

What about books?

Is there any book that's had
an impact on your life?

Oh, what am I saying?

Hey, what about the summer you
spent at the lake with grandpa,

and you helped him
fix his boat?

Oh, yeah.

I remember that.

Oh, I got so tan that summer,
I was really hot.

You got nothin'.

I know! And Darrin died
for 2 minutes when he was 6.

What? He did?

His mother never told me this.

- What happened?
- When was this?

You guys suck.

This is my brother,
and he's been very sick

for a long time,
with a horrible disease.

Despite all the "walks for hope"
and "fun runs,"

there is, as yet, no cure.

This has been such
a life-changing event for me,

his brother, Axl Heck,

Mrs. Johnson's
sixth-period English.

It's the not knowing
that's the hard part.

Oh, and the dying.

Actually, they're both hard.

I have to give my brother
all these medicines every day.

If I could give any advice,

it'd be live, love, laugh.

Some would call it burden

to care for a brother so sick
with this horrible disease.

I call it life-changing.

I just hope I can one day
frolic in the sea.

That's all.

One day.

In the sea.

So friggin' life-changing.

Oh, and last winter,

he tries to hang glide
off our roof with a trash bag.

Lucky he landed on Darrin,
who tried it before him,

with kites taped to his arms.

The thing about teenage boys--
They're just so stupid.

I heard someone say

that if you have
a girl first and then a boy,

you'll swear
the boy is brain-damaged.

No, no.

Teenage girls are way worse,
'cause they're impressed

by the stupid things
teenage boys do.

Thank God.

Excuse me. Would you like to buy
a rose for your sweetheart?

Uh-oh. Is she here?

Very funny.

Sure.

This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah, good meat.

Aw.

I mean, you know,
I did some bonehead things

when I was young.
I mean, we all did, right?

Oh. I'll take one.

Aw.

I know we all did stuff,
but last week, I walk in,

he's in his bed, trying to
cook bacon with the iron...

No, we're good.

And then he says, uh,
I should be thanking him

because he's not
dirtying a pan.

So how was the bacon?

You know what? Not bad.

I know I said I wanted
to stay home tonight,

but I'm glad we went.
I had a good time.

Great. I'm glad.
I'm glad you had a good time.

I really did.

Hey, maybe we should try our
anniversary with other couples.

Yeah, maybe.

You coming to bed?

No. I don't think so.

I'm going to do
some other things right now

besides going to bed.

Okay.
Don't stay up too late.

Oh, and hey,
happy Valentine's Day.

Okay, well,
thanks for a great V-Day.

I gotta go.

Sue, wait.

You know what?

These leftovers
will not be good tomorrow,

and they are
too delicious to waste.

Ohh.

Mmm.

Garlic is the best.

Mm. Of course
my breath probably reeks.

I'm a wrestler.
I'll fight through it.

You gonna finish that?

Oh, my God.
He did it again.

Hey. Nice flowers.

Lucky for you, I didn't get any,
so the vase is free.

This time, I tried
to keep my mouth closed,

but it still got
in there somehow.

It's almost like
he's doing it on purpose.

Yeah. Sue...

Here's the thing.
He is doing it on purpose.

What? Why?

Why would he do something
like that? It's so mean.

Yeah, well, it might
seem mean to you now,

but, you know,
some people sort of like it.

Who? Who would like that?

It's like having an eel
in your mouth.

Oh, come on, Sue.
There are two girls

that are pregnant
in your class right now.

You never heard
of french kissing?

Whoa, wait a minute.
That's french kissing?

Yeah. What did you
think it was?

I thought it was kissing
during a rainbow.

Oh, wow. We really
should talk more often.

So... do you and dad
french kiss?

What?

Oh, well...
Not for a while now,

and certainly not tonight.

You want to know why I'm mad?

What?

The rose, Mike.

What-- what time is this?

I'm the only one last night
that didn't get a rose.

Hold on. Is this for real?

Are you really upset,
or is this, like, a joke?

Oh, yeah, it's a joke,
a very famous joke.

Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious.

Come on, Frankie.
We don't buy into that crap.

We always laugh
about how those rose ladies try

to guilt you into buying a rose.
It's stupid.

Well, of course it's stupid.

Then why'd you wake me up?

Because Ron bought Nancy one,
Bill bought Paula one,

and while they're sitting there
twirling their pretty roses,

I'm stuck waving around
a breadstick like an idiot.

It was embarrassing.

So they're big suckers

who cave at the slightest
bit of pressure.

I'm proud of myself.
I stuck to my guns.

Oh, yeah,
you're a real inspiration.

My knight in shining...

You think flowers are
a waste of money, too.

You said so yourself.
The whole thing's a scam.

I know it's a scam.

Well, then why
are you so upset?!

Because all my friends
got a flower, and I didn't!

What, are you in high school?
Are you afraid I don't like you?

News flash, Frankie-- I like you.
I like you like you.

My prognosis is grim,

but there is
a small ray of hope.

I'm on the waiting list
for the Mayo Clinic.

If things don't work out
at the Mayonnaise Clinic,

I don't know
what we're gonna do.

What are you doing?

Mom, shh!
We're filming here.

I'm working on my "life-changing
event" project for school.

Seriously, Axl?

You are not doing this
for your school project.

Your brother's not dying.

My mom's in deep denial.

You know what, Frankie?
You want flowers?

Fine, I'll get you flowers.

I don't want
your guilt flowers!

They're not guilt flowers,
'cause I don't feel guilty.

I feel good!
I stuck to my guns!

- He hides his pain with false bravado.
- Oh, yeah. Here we go. Big hero.

It was Valentine's Day, Mike.
Valentine's Day.

It would have been a romantic
gesture. That's all I'm saying.

Romance?

You're the one who had no
interest in spending Valentine's

with me until you invited
your lady friends along.

Maybe you should have
asked Nancy and Paula

to buy you a flower.

That is not true!

- That is so not true.
- It's like this every day--

- I cannot believe you said that. - The
arguing, the tension, so life-changing.

I wanted to do something with
you, but you acted all tired

and talked me
into separate bedrooms

with buckets of chicken.

You-- Hey, you were
on board with the buckets

just as much as I was!

You're not romantic, Mike, okay?
You're not.

You never have been.
Fine. Whatever.

See? Right there. That is
why I hate Valentine's Day!

Yeah, Valentine's Day
hates you right back!

Oh, no. I think they might
be getting a divorce.

Nothing changes a young,
innocent life more than that.

- Axl, would you stop filming us?!
- Turn that camera off.

Axl, do you want me
to die or not?

'Cause I'm gonna be late for school.

So, uh, thanks for the ride.
I'll see you tomorrow!

Sue, w-what's going on?

It's like you've been trying
to avoid me or something.

Okay, Matt.
Here's the thing.

There's something
I have to tell you,

and I really hope it doesn't
change things between us.

I'm an American girl,
so I just want to kiss American.

If you want
to kiss... international,

then you'll have to
find someone else.

Oh, thank God.

You're not mad?

No. Your braces were
ripping my tongue to shreds.

It's kept me from eating,
so I made weight this week,

but I didn't tell you,

'cause I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Really? That's so sweet!

a relationship will only succeed
if it's built on total honesty.

Okay.

Sometimes
your hair smells funny.

Oh! My mom accidentally
bought dog shampoo.

She says we have to use it up
till it's gone.

Oh, good. You're here.

You can sit over
there next to mom. Dad! Axl!

Why am I doing this?

We have to listen
to your brother's paper.

You listened to Axl's.

In the interest
of not showing favoritism,

you could be
a little more enthusiastic.

Is this a new thing?
We have to listen to papers now?

"What is love?
Shakespeare tells us that"

'love looks not with the eyes,
but with the mind.'

I'm only 10 and have yet
to experience great love,

so I chose to write about
the only love I'm familiar with,

the love my parents share.

"It's not a new love
filled with burning passion."

"My sister says they don't even
French kiss anymore."

- Sue.
- Brick!

"But it's the little things
I see them do for each other"

that tells me what love is,
like in the car,

when my mom puts her hand
on the back of my dad's neck

and massages it...

Or when my dad warms up
my mom's car and scrapes the ice

off her windshield
on cold mornings...

And how they've learned
to communicate with each other,

"using their own
special language."

"It's true we don't
have a lot of money,"

but I like to think,
even if we did,

my parents would still be
at home, hanging out together--

"Of course in a much nicer house with a
jacuzzi soaking tub."

"If you ask people"

what they think
are the greatest loves stories,

they'll say Romeo and Juliet,
or Hermione and Ron Weasley,

and those are fine,

but if you ask me,
great love stories can be small,

"like my mom and dad's."

Oh, Brick.

That was really amazing.

Really good job, buddy.

What?

You guys liked
that snooze fest,

but you didn't like my paper
about not being hot enough?

Oh. I see
what's going on here.

His paper's all about you,
so it's good. Whatever.

It turned out Brick's paper
affected all of us.

Ohh.

Even Axl found an appreciation
for his brother's work.

"Sure, it's easy to get trapped
under ice. That's obvious."

But when I think about
what's really life-changing,

I think about
the little things,

like when my mom rubs
my dad's neck when he's driving,

or the way my dad scrapes ice
off my mom's windshield

on frosty mornings

or their own secret language.

"Yeah, we don't have a lot
of money, but even if we did..."

Point is, we'd all survived
another Valentine's Day.

'Cause let's face it--
It's a high-pressure holiday.

Lucky when you plan

on loving someone
for the rest of your life,

you got a lot of other days
to get it right.