The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Middle - full transcript

Ever since Indiana
got the Super Bowl,

the whole state's been rolling
out the red carpet.

We opened a brand-new stadium,

recruited an army
of hospitality volunteers.

Heck, I even knitted a scarf.

♪ Ta-da ♪

Hmm?

What do you think?

I think if that's
for the Super Bowl,

I don't want to hear about it.

And what are you
even doing all this for?



You barely care about football.

I was paying my dues, Mike,

so that me
and my official volunteer scarf

will be given a plum assignment
at the game.

I have never been a part
of anything this big.

It's exciting, Mike.
Come on. Get excited.

No. Four years
I've been waiting to see

my team win the championship
on our home field,

only to have the rug
yanked out from under me

by Peyton Manning's
stupid neck.

God's obviously not a Colts fan,
and I'm starting to think

he's not much
of a Mike fan either.

Well, I'm not letting you
turn my Super Bowl into a....

Grincher Bowl.



No, wait.

Scrooger Bowl?

Afternoon,
Mrs. Heck, Mr. Heck.

I wanted to thank you so much
for giving birth to Sue.

Yeah, well, she did most
of the heavy lifting,

but you're welcome.

You mind?

Well...

Look what I got
in the mail--

My driver's ed manual!

Only six more months
till I'm eligible

for my learner's permit,
but Matt said

it'd be smart to get
a head start.

I.P.D.E.

Identify, Predict,
Decide, Execute!

Really, sir,

honored you share your daughter with me...

And also your pizza.

Does he always have to be here?

I mean, he's the size of Brick,
but he eats more than Axl.

Oh, come on.
Matt's a good kid.

Plus he's
Sue's first real boyfriend.

It's called being happy.

They gotta be happy
in the same room as my TV?

Seriously, Mike,

bitterness is not
a very attractive color on you.

Super party pooper Bowl!

Hmm.

You'll be escorting

out-of-state VIPs
to their luxury boxes,

and here's your patch.

Frankie Heck,
reporting for duty.

And you'll be working in
shuttle parking lot number 74

in French Lick.

Wait.

French Lick?

That's, like, 100 miles
from the stadium.

Oh, it's a satellite location.

I'd be closer working
on an actual satellite.

I mean, listen,
I've been stuffing envelopes

and manning booths and--

Every point of light
shines bright.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna have
to shine pretty freakin' bright

in French Lick.

Ooh, that's the spirit!

And here's your vest.

Don't want to get hit by a car.

Let me get back to you on that.

Oh, hey, Frankie!

- Hey, Nancy.
- Oh, my God. Isn't this all so exciting?

I mean, what a time
to be a hoosier.

Maybe three minutes ago,
when they were still

handing out good assignments.

Don't get your hopes up.

Oh, I just came by to drop off
these extra scarves I made.

We're going to the game.

The game? The game game?

Yep. Ron was top earner
for the year,

so it's a little bonus.

They're putting us up
in a hotel,

so we're taking the kids,

and we're making
a whole week of it.

Well, if you park
in French Lick,

I'll make sure you get
a good spot.

Why would we ever park
all the way down in French Lick?

I don't know, Nancy.

I just don't know.

♪

Hey! Nice job, fetus!
You just wrecked my epic solo!

Keep it down!

Look, I know you're not
too familiar

with how books work,

but I can't read
without turning pages.

Ohh...

Ooh. It's Darrin.

You know the deal--
Leave or pillow head.

Yo, D-train. What up?!

No, dude. I can't go
for chicken right now.

Last time I drove that far,
my tire fell off,

but, dude, I'm glad you called.

Hold onto your panties
for this sick jam!

♪

No. Where are you going?

Don't leave me alone
with Sue and Wrestling Matt.

"Wrestling Matt."
You hear what I just did?

Axl made that joke
two weeks ago.

Listen to this crap.

Now I gotta go pick up
parking cones and road flares

at some warehouse
in God knows where.

Hmm.

I'm not sure if it's
the hops or your voice,

but I'm tasting
a whole lot of bitterness.

What happened, Frankie?

I thought the eyes of the world
are gonna be on ya.

Not in French Lick,
they're not.

I mean, I don't get it.

You'd think they'd want to put

the people who are
a little more presentable

up front where the world
can see them.

I mean, I'm charming.
Am I not charming?

Why aren't you saying
I'm charming?

Oh, yeah.

It's like I'm getting sprayed
with spit by a princess.

You should see the guy
who's escorting the VIPs.

I'm just saying,
stick the uggos in French Lick,

and save the money
for the stadium.

Ugh! I hate the Super Bowl.

Welcome.

What?

Hi, Frankie.

It's Nancy.

I can't talk long 'cause we're
at a pregame fiesta.

So, listen, I called
because I realized

we left our brand-new car
in the driveway.

You mind going to the house
and grabbing our key

and putting it
in our garage for us?

It's just so brand-new,
and I know those Glossner boys

like to climb up on cars

and press their butts
against the windshield.

No problem, Nancy.

Thanks, Frankie.
See you next week.

Fiesta!

New car?
It figures they got a new car,

and she didn't even buy it
from me.

Stupid new car.

Ohh.

All I had to do was drive it
into the garage,

just drive it into the garage,
just like she asked me to.

Oh, don't judge.
People do meth.

I'd love to say I only used
the Donahues' Passat

just that once, but we're not
like the Donahues.

We don't have anything nice,
and after a leaky roof

and a dishwasher that
didn't work,

I was weak, okay?

I know it was wrong,
but I needed this, damn it.

What I didn't know is

others were sneaking around
needing it, too.

Please enter your destination.

The Eiffel Tower.

Would you like to allow
tunnels and ferries?

- Sure.
- Calculating route.

Ah.

"Use your left turn signal

to indicate your intention
to turn left."

Wait.
What if I have to turn right?

"Use your right turn signal

to indicate your intention
to turn right."

Yeah.

Ohh.

Okay.

Oh, God.

I was just practicing.
I never wanted to drive it!

Wait. I.P.D.E.

Identify-- I'm too far
past the driveway,

and I'm not comfortable
driving in reverse.

Predict...
If I don't put the car back,

mom will find out,
and I will never get my license,

and I will never go
on a life-defining road trip

with three
of my closest friends!

Decide...

I'll drive around the block
until I'm back at the driveway.

Execute...

Executing.

Okay.
Drive slow.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

No, no, no, no!

Aah!

Yeah! Ohh.

The only thing
that got me home safe

was what Matt,
my boyfriend, taught me.

It's crazy, huh?

I mean, if I had died
right then,

the last words
I would have said to Matt,

who's my boyfriend,
were "good ham."

That makes me so sad.

Because it wasn't good ham?

No, it was really good ham,
but isn't it kinda scary

to think that anything
you say to anyone

could be the last thing
you ever say to them?

If I had died in that car,

he never would have known
how I really felt about him.

I don't have to worry
about that stuff.

I've already been assigned
a boy.

Well, I have faced death,
and I now have the courage to do

what I should have done
weeks ago.

That's it.

I am gonna tell Matt,
my boyfriend, I love him.

Matt, stop. There's something
I need to tell you.

Coach says
I gotta sweat out 2 pounds,

but there's always time
for you.

What's up?

Wait. I want this moment
to be perfect.

Come down four steps.

Okay. Uh, I'll go down a step,
and you come up two steps.

Okay. Perfect.

Okay. Here goes.

Matt, here's the thing.

I love you.

Uh... okay.

Well, that's it.

Gotta go catch
the late bus. Bye.

Look, I'm not proud of myself,

but for some reason,

I just kept driving
their sweet ride.

See, my own car reeked
of old milk and stale fries,

but now, deep in the bosom
of German engineering,

I don't know. I felt in control
of my own destiny,

more vibrant, more alive.

It filled me with a confidence
I didn't know I had.

Here's the thing, Liz.

The eyes of the world
are gonna be on us.

You want to put
your best foot forward.

Me in French Lick is not
your best foot.

I'm not French Lick.
I'm...

"Welcome to the Super Bowl,
Mr. Gorbachev.

Right this way
to the 50-yard line."

Hmm.

I see a fire in your eye,
and I like that.

Tell you what.

I'll shuffle some people around

and get back to you
with a stadium assignment.

Thanks. You do that.

Hey, Mike.

Guess who's gonna be
in the stadium on game day?

Not the colts, so I don't
want to hear about it.

Hey, guys.

I'm gonna be
a stadium hospitality liaison.

How cool is that?

- It sounds kinda lame.
- I can't talk right now. - I'm hungry.

Really?

After all the stuff I pretend
to be happy about for you,

you can't just fake it up
for me just this once?

Okay, wait.

Yes, I drove the Passat,

but I was asked
to look after it,

so technically,
I'm its legal guardian.

Why were you all checking
your pockets?

Axl definitely did not use it
to go get chicken.

Hey!

Sorry.
I saw the bucket in the car...

When I was not in there.

I drove it, too.
I'm so sorry!

I was just using it to study,

and before I knew it,
I was breaking so many laws

and risking so many lives,
but don't worry.

You don't have to punish me.

I've already been punished
by love.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

Hey, you checked
your pockets, too.

So I took a few naps in it. Back
off.

Oh, my God.
This is crazy. Look at us.

We're taking
the Donahues' Passat,

lying to each other,
sneaking around.

We can't keep doing this.

We have to make a schedule.

And it's amazing how having
one nice thing

actually made us
a better family.

We were more compassionate.

Thanks for taking me
to get ice cream, mom.

Fudge heals all wounds.

We were more considerate.

No, Brick, it's cool.

You're mature enough
to hear this stuff now.

Go for Ax-man.

We were in better moods.

Wake me in an hour.

You know, it's been forever

since we've eaten together
as a family.

It's nice.

Real nice.
Mm-hmm.

- Biscuit me.
- Mm.

Everybody okay back there?

Can you make it a bit warmer?

I'd like it a skosh cooler.

Oh, come on, Sue. Cheer up.

I can't.

Oh, honey, I know
you're hurting,

but you and Matt were
only together

for a few weeks.
You gotta move on.

Here. You love
butter batter nuggets.

Better not tell them.

Oh, come on, Sue.

♪ Just what made
that little old ant ♪

♪ think he could move
a rubber tree plant? ♪

Come on, everybody.
We're cheering up Sue.

♪ everyone knows an ant ♪

♪ can't ♪

♪ move a rubber tree plant ♪

♪ but he's got, 'cause he's got ♪

♪ high hopes ♪

Yep. We'd officially
become the Donahues.

I know. It was disgusting.

♪ High, apple pie in the sky hopes ♪

♪ So when the job is getting rough ♪
♪ so when you ♪

Hello?

- Hi, Frankie. It's Nancy.
- ♪ Things are getting rough ♪

- ♪ just remember ♪
- Shh. Shh.

Hi, Nancy!

Yeah, we're just sitting
down at dinner

and watching some TV
in our house.

Sorry to bother you.
Y-you're not gonna believe this.

Shelly and dotty both caught
a stomach bug.

Oh, that's too bad.
Are they okay?

Yeah, but we're not gonna get
to see the game.

Such a bummer.

We gave our tickets to the lady
who cleaned our hotel room.

Made her day.

Anyway,
we're heading home early,

and I was wondering if I could
stop by and pick up our mail.

We'll be back
in about... oh... 20 minutes.

Oh, my God.

This is more than
just one trip for chicken!

All right.
Why are there long johns

and a moldy juice pitcher
in the car, huh?

Okay, you know what?

We do get nice things,
but as soon as we do,

we heck it up!
That's what we do.

We take nice things
and we heck 'em up!

Well, we got five minutes
to de-heck

the Donahues' car, so move it!

Sue, I've been waiting for you.

We really need to talk.

No, we don't.
I think we did all

our talking and not talking
in the stairwell.

No, I-I really need to...

Brick!

What? It can hold
my entire library.

Damn this roomy trunk.

Sue! Grab some books
and start chucking!

Mr. Heck, it's imperative
I speak with daughter,

but she's gone
radio silence on me.

Here's the deal, Matt.
We stole a car,

and it's imperative
that we clean it,

so if you want to join
this family,

which I don't know
why you would, grab a rag.

- Mom, are we gonna tell
the Donahues what we did? - No, Brick.

But isn't not telling them
the same as lying?

It's not lying because
we've told each other.

We've self-punished,

which is the most important kind
of punishment...

- Hmm.
- So keep your mouth shut

and scrape the goo off
the back window!

Not until you hear me out.

I know how I reacted
the other day

really hurt your feelings.

You see, I spent my whole life
training every muscle

in my 98-pound body
to never be caught off guard,

so when you...

Why is this door locked?

- Open the door.
- Open it!

Open the door!

Sue! Open the door!

And I had this whole big plan to
tell you how I felt about you...

- Open the door. Open the door!
- But then you ambushed me in the stairwell

with that reverse crossface
into an undercup.

I left my most important muscle
off guard,

so even though I was feeling
the exact same way...

- What's the deal?
- I was planning to tell you

- those three special words
on Valentine's day... - Come on.

But no need to wait anymore.

Open the door.
Sue! Open the door!

Hey. Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on! Get out!

Oh!

It's official, everybody!

We're in love.

Aah!

Look, we can all puke
about it later.

Just keep cleaning!

It still smells like gravy
in here.

Gravy.

I got foot odor spray in my gym bag.

All right.
Toss it in here.

We gotta get this car across the street.

Axl!

Oh, God.

I can't afford to lose
the Donahues.

They feed me real food.

They taught me
how to brush my teeth.

If I lose that family,
I've only got this family.

Oh, please.
The Donahues aren't so great.

I mean, they act all nice,

but doesn't it seem
a little fake,

all that asking questions
about how you are

and how's your day?

Well, Sean can't go ten seconds...

Without saying "please"
or "thank you."

That's not
normal teenage behavior.

Shelly doesn't eat desserts.
What's up with that?

We get it.
You're nice, but seriously,

who really knows what's behind
that wall of nice?

People do meth.
That's all I'm saying.

Hurry! They're coming!

We missed a fry.

It's not a fry.

Hi, guys. What brings you all by?

Hey.

Well, we just came over to see
if you needed anything...

And, hey, I had
the Passat in the garage for you

but just brought it out now
'cause we knew

you were coming back,
and I thought you might want

to go in through the garage
instead of the front door,

'cause we do that sometimes.

I-it's a thing people do.

I missed you, mom.

Oh, well, we missed you, too.

Hey. What's this?

Looks like a scratch.

Okay. Here's the thing.

Axl drove the Passat.

And so did the rest of us.
I'm so sorry.

It's just so nice and new,
and we're so weak and gross.

Believe me,
we feel horrible about this,

and we'll pay to have it fixed
and if you want

to take back your house key
while you're at it,

we totally understand.

Just please don't hate us.

Why would I ever hate you?

I hate myself for not
telling you to drive it

in the first place.

Seriously, what is the point

of having a brand-new car
if you can't share it

with your neighbors?

I'm thrilled you drove it.

Absolutely.

Hey, you saved one of us
from getting the first scratch

and then fighting
with each other about it.

Thanks, man.

Well, now I know what's
behind that wall of nice--

Big, rolling fields of nice.

I mean, they're just great.
So, so great.

Yep. They really deserve
better neighbors than us.

But having us as neighbors
wasn't the only low point

in the Donahues' lives.

They never made it
to the Super Bowl, but I did.

Actually,
more like eight Super Bowls.

All right.
Green coat, number 6.

Yeah. Red earmuffs, number 3.

What was that? Was that--

- What that a touchdown, huh?
- I don't know.

- Anyone?
- No.

- I didn't see it.
- Damn it.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for section 15.

Uh, yeah, it's two gates down,
past the bobblehead exhibit.

Thank you, darlin',
and let me just say,

all you folks around here have
been so nice and neighborly.

Oh.

Well, thank you,
and welcome to Indiana.

Point is, I didn't have to be
at the 50-yard line.

The eyes of the world
were on us,

and I was part of something
truly special,

and I, for one,
wasn't gonna heck it up.

Okay, blue gloves, number 4,

and, yellow hat, number 7.

Whoo! Everybody doing okay?

Great. Hang in there.