The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 11 - A Christmas Gift - full transcript

Out here in the Middle,

we love our holiday parties--

The Christmas sweaters,
the carols, the eggnog...

Lots and lots of eggnog.

Oh, shoot! I forgot to say bye
to Robin.

Really? There's someone
you didn't say bye to?

Well, you didn't give me
a chance.

You were standing on the porch,
waving my coat like a matador.

I ate a snowman cookie.

I read a "Sports Illustrated"
in the bathroom.

I think we did
what we needed to do.



Well, I think it was
a great party.

Everyone was so nice.

Didn't you think
everyone was nice?

And we were all having
such a good time.

Yeah. Some more
than others. Glug, glug.

Oh, please. I'm not drunk.
I'm fine.

Hey. I know.

Let's have a Christmas even open
house for all our neighbors.

Now I know you're drunk.

No, no.
They've been so nice.

They helped us put a new roof
on the house. Come on.

This will pay 'em back.
It's a great idea.

You always do this, Frankie.
You get a couple drinks in you.

Then you want to bring
people into our house.



Sorry. I forgot. Our house is
where fun comes to die.

I'm just sayin'

don't do something
you'll regret.

Did I seriously say I wanted
to have a Christmas party?

Well, your lips were moving,

but the eggnog was doing
all the talking.

So I'm guessing

you don't want to renew
our vows, either.

Ohh. No.

Well, at least the party's off.

Uh, no, it's not.

I e-mailed everybody
last night,

and we already have 20 yeses.

I swear, we should put
a breathalyzer on that computer.

Mom, you never told me
church is based on a book.

I assumed you knew.

It's the number one
best-selling book of all time.

Hmm. Well, it's
a real page-turner.

I do have a lot
of questions, though,

like Jonah inside the belly
of a whale--

Wouldn't the whale's
digestive juices dissolve him?

Look, Brick,
I gotta go to work.

Ask your dad.

And how could Noah have
two of every animal on one boat?

Many are mortal enemies,
and the poop alone--

Brick, it's a little early
to be talking about the Bible.

Ask your brother.

Ask me what?

Never mind.

I'm sure you've never read
the Bible in your life.

Only 'cause I got stuff
going on.

I'll read it
when I'm closer to death,

like all old people.

Uh, so you believe in God?

Hells, yeah!

How else would you explain
this awesomeness, huh?

Oh.

Mm?

So after downing a quart
of syrup, Axl went to his job

at Mr. Ehlert's
Christmas tree lot.

He wanted
extra Christmas money.

Oh, not to buy anyone gifts,
just to have.

Whew. For a minute there,

I thought he was gonna
wiggle off the hook...

But we landed him
there, didn't we now, captain?

Pulled him in the boat
and bashed him in the head.

Good job, bro.

Right back at ya, bro.

Well, apparently everyone
is coming to this party, Mike.

Everyone.

I mean, what are we gonna do?

You really want them seeing
our dishwasher hole?

It's embarrassing.

Oh, I think they'll be
embarrassed for us

long before they see the hole.

Well, I was thinking,

as long as we're getting
a new dishwasher anyway,

why don't we get one now?

No way, Frankie.

The stores jack up
the prices this time of year.

We'll wait till they're
on sale,

maybe pick up a scratched
and dented floor model.

That way it will fit in
with everything else.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

You think if you make me
wait long enough,

I'll be happy
with whatever I get.

You married me, didn't you?

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Hey, Sue. Guess what?

I bought your mom
a new dishwasher for Christmas.

Aah!

Shh. Shh.

Aah.

Now, see, I know
I've got a history

of giving
bad presents, but--

Ohh. You're the worst.

Remember when you got mom
that spoon rest that said

"Queen of the Kitchen"?

Got it.
I'm bad at presents,

but this year
I'm making up for it.

I got it all planned out.

I'm gonna get up
in the middle of the night

and hook up the dishwasher
and put a big, red bow on it,

and then in the morning,
I'm gonna ask your mom

to fix me a cup of coffee,

and she'll say,
"are your legs broken?"

And she'll gripe
all the way to the kitchen,

and that's when she'll see it.

Mm.

Good, huh?

Yeah!

Dad, how did God make Eve
out of Adam's rib?

I mean, if it's a cloning thing
like Dolly the sheep,

wouldn't Adam's rib just
make more Adams?

Brick, it's too late to start
talking about the Bible.

Well, first it's too early.
Now it's too late.

When's the right time?

Sunday morning
between 9:00 and 10:00.

I just don't get it.

Why can't anybody answer
my questions?

I mean, I've found a lot
of plot holes in here,

and now I'm wondering
if any of it's true.

Brick! Shh!

Lower your voice.

Of course it's true.

Well, how can you be so sure?

It just is, okay?

You should not be talking
like this,

especially around Christmas.

So many things don't
make sense.

Hey. There's a lot of episodes
of Glee that don't make sense,

but I still cry.

Okay. I know someone who can
answer your Christmas questions.

He always comes around
this time of year,

spreading joy and happiness
wherever he goes,

and kids wait in line
just to see him.

? Well, times were different,
and I think you'll concur ?

? that little babies
shouldn't play ?

? with frankincense or myrrh
unless it's ?

? happy birthday, baby Jesus ?

? happy Christmas,
happy kwanzaa ?

? happy hanukkah ?

? and happy, happy birthday,
baby Jesus ?

"Christ," not "X."

Oh, my God.
Is that the dishwasher?

Does Dave know?

Yeah. He's helping me.

He parked around the corner
in case your mom comes.

Come on. We're gonna hide it
in your closet.

My closet?
But why my closet?

'Cause your mom won't look
in here.

She's gonna love it, right?
Wait. Uh, do you like the bow?

Is the bow too much?

No, no. The bow's great.

This is totally gonna make up
for that ladybug change purse

you got her three years ago
for her birthday.

What, like a joke?

No joke. For real.

Hey.

She once told me
she likes ladybugs.

Hey.

What are you guys doing
in Sue's room?

- Uh...
- I was, uh...

- It's, uh...
- Yeah.

I was, uh...
It was

I was, uh, just--

I was...

Showing him the hole

- in Sue's wall... the hole.
- Yeah.

- So that, uh, he can fix it.
- It's a nice hole.

Really?

Ohh. This is great.
I need it fixed by Saturday

before the party.
You can do that, right?

- Well...
- You bet he can.

Right, Dave?

Right.

Yay!

Oh, Brick!

Yeah?

So? How'd it go
with Reverend Timtom?

Was he amazing?

What can I say?
Didn't move me.

Oh, my God.
How could you not be moved?

Seriously, how could he not
blow your mind?

He answered my questions
with other questions.

I'm not a big fan of that.

You weren't paying
attention, were you?

I'll bet while
reverend timtom was talking,

you were reading.

There was a fire escape sign
that piqued my interest

and another one that said
"get your God on."

What does that even mean?

Brick, you have to believe.

I'm not even sure you get
to celebrate Christmas

if you don't believe.

Eh. What are you gonna do?

Morning. Hey, a rockin' Santa.
That works.

What it really needs is
a dishwasher, and guess what?

I found one
at Pioneer City Appliances,

and it's only $200.

Frankie, we're not getting
a new dishwasher. End of story.

Oh, well, is that
what we're doing now,

making pronouncements?

Well...
I pronounce you a jerk.

End of story.

Mike was worried that
all the lying was gonna

catch up with him,
so he did the only thing

he could do--
Throw another lie on the fire.

Hey, just so you know,
I stopped by that store today,

and it turns out they sold out
of those cheap dishwashers,

so...

We couldn't have gotten
one anyway.

Oh, wait a minute. You went
to Pioneer City Appliances?

You know, they have stores
all over the state.

Well, yeah, I thought of that,

but, uh that's why I had
the sales guy George,

uh, call around...

And, uh, he said all
the stores were sold out.

He was wearing a blue shirt,

and, uh, his wife was
from Dallas.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Did you at least pick up
the pecans I asked you to get?

Yeah, I picked 'em up,
but I left 'em in the truck.

Truck? What truck?

Uh... uh, just some truck.
Who knows?

What, are you running
around in somebody's truck

you don't want me
knowing about?

Hey, uh, you know, I-I said,
uh, "truck" a minute ago.

I meant "trunk."

I left the pecans in the trunk.

Just wanted to tell you that.

Okay. So can you go
get 'em out of the trunk?

Uh... you know what?
I-I meant truck after all,

'cause I've been test-driving
trucks...

Trucks with trunks.

What kind of a truck
has a trunk?

None that I know of.

That--that's why I wanted
to test-drive it.

They're new. Trunk-trucks.

What? We can't afford
a dishwasher,

but you're out
test-driving trucks?

Look, Frankie.

I-I'm not gonna
explain myself to you.

I-I-I'm a grown man.

I can test-drive trunk-trucks
if I want to. End of story!

? You could change the world,
and you could make it great ?

? I learned to play guitar
and sing on ice skates ?

? as a teen ?

? you can do anything ?

? when you're a teen ?

Hey there, Sue Heck.

Reverend Timtom.

You need to talk to Brick
about the Bible again.

Christmas is in two days,
and he's still not getting it.

It's just the more I read,
the more questions I have.

It's exhausting.

Well... Jesus enjoyed
a lively debate.

That's the way he rolled.
Shoot.

Okay, so Jesus says,
"if you have faith

"as small as a mustard seed,
the smallest of seeds,

you can move mountains."

The smallest seed is
the orchid seed.

Shouldn't he know that?

Well, I don't think orchids
grew in ancient Palestine.

Didn't grow there. Ha!
See, Brick?

Okay, but if God is
all-powerful,

why didn't he make
everybody nice?

Well, that's
where free will comes in.

You see, God wants people
to really dig him,

so you're not gonna dig him
if there's no choice.

Choice. Ha. Gettin' it?

But what about the burning bush
or Moses parting the Red Sea?

I mean, wow factor? Yes.

But believability? Eh.

I get where you're coming from,
but if you believe in God,

his miracles happen every day.

Every day.

Sue, um, why don't you take
a couple laps around the rink?

I think I got this.

He's got this.

And then my mom kicked me
out of the house

because I spilled juice on
the couch, but it's all good.

I'm staying at the "Y"
and sharing a room

with this giant dude named
Patrick Standingbear,

and he's not much of a talker,

- but just--
- Yeah, Bob.

My shift's over, so...

I'm gonna go.

Ah. I'll see you
at the Christmas Eve party,

right, bro?

You're coming to the party?

Hell, yeahs.

It's "hells, yeah."

Hells, yeah, bro.

See you then, bro.

So? How'd it go?

Well, let's just say
we agreed to disagree.

What?

R-reverend Timtom.

I don't understand
what's happening.

Why isn't Brick fixed yet?

I mean, you're not just gonna
give up on him, right?

You're gonna write him
some special soul-saving song?

Or is this one
of those time-release things

where everything you've said
will kick in later?

Sorry, sue.
I did all I could.

Right now it's couples skate,

and I see a few bummed-out teens
without partners.

I need to go scoop 'em up
and get 'em skatin'.

Conga line!

I know I said I didn't want
to do this,

but now that the party was
up and running,

I was glad I did.
Even the hole looked festive.

It's going good, huh?
Nice party.

It is. So when do you think
everyone's leaving?

Mike, most people
just got here.

I know, I know. Just sayin'.
Tomorrow's Christmas.

Just excited
about presents and stuff.

Since when?

"Um..."

"That would be incorrect."

Oh, my God.
That's totally him.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, bro.
What are we laughing about?

Nothing, Bob.
Just a teacher we have.

- Yeah.
- That's all.

So, uh, I don't know what, uh,
my bro here told you about me,

but, uh, it's all true.
I'm a troublemaker.

Look. I can put
a whole candy cane in my mouth.

I can't believe Mike won't
let you buy a dishwasher.

Yeah.

Nope. Old Ricky Ricardo
over there wants

to wait to save a peso.

Boo, Mike! Boo!

Yeah.
I hate to do this, Mike,

but I'm with Paula. Boo!

Yeah, yeah.
I get it. I'm very cheap.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Reindeer aren't
actual animals...

- They're just for Santa to--
- No, they are.

Hey! Where you going, bro?

I turned around,
and you were gone.

I'm gonna have to put
a bell on you.

Hold on.

I'm not gonna put a bell
on him...

- Dude...
- Uh, but--

We're not bros, okay?
I'm 17, and you're, like, 40.

- But--
- Stop acting like a loser

and go talk to somebody
your own age.

Okay.
That's what I was gonna do.

Yep, you just confirmed
what I was gonna do,

and now I'm gonna go do it.

You know what
you should do then?

You should just let
the dishes pile up.

I did. Axl ate cereal
out of a vase.

Oh, Mike.

Why don't you buy
poor Frankie a dishwasher?

What can I say?

How about yes?

Yeah.
Boo, Mike!

Ohh!

So... are you allowed to bring
girls into your room?

No, but, uh...

This isn't my room.

Dumb. I'm telling you,
you're stupid. I'm not stupid.

You're stupid.
Yes, you are dumb.

You are stupid. I hate you!
I hate you!

I gotta go take care
of something.

Uh...

I'm sorry. I...

Oh, God. Ohh!

Whoa, Bob.

No, I'm a loser!
I'm a huge loser!

No, you're not.
I didn't mean that.

No, it's true.
Of course it's true.

I am sharing a hot plate
with Patrick Standingbear,

and I can't even beat up
a snowman?

Ow!

We put boulders in there
for the Glossners.

- Look...
- Ow.

What I meant to say was,
you're like this guy, okay,

who's on his own...

And I guess I didn't get

why you would want
to be friends with me.

You've got this career going.
You've been to Disney World,

and what have I done?
Nothing. I'm the loser.

Hey. Hey.
Don't put yourself down.

No, it's true. I mean, I still
live with my parents.

That is nothing to be
embarrassed about.

Your time will come.

Yeah?

Thanks. I feel better.

So why don't you come
inside, huh?

We can hang out.
I mean, if that's cool.

Hells, yeah.

All right.

So as it turned out,

Axl ended up giving
a Christmas gift after all.

And then I find out...

That Mike has been
test-driving trunk-trucks,

and I can't even get
a dishwasher.

Ooh!

Never change, Mike.
You're making us all look good.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, it's getting late.

Oh, yes, Mike. It is.
It's almost 11:00

on Christmas Eve.
You know what that means--

Time to run out
to the drugstore to get my gift.

Hey, this year
I want the orange tic tacs.

I am telling you,

Mike is the champion
of drugstore shopping.

I mean, he will get you things
you would never think

would be gifts,
like a footbath...

Yes. Uh, astringent...

Oh! Oh! Mothballs!

Hey, Mike, if you're getting me
a Christmas present this year,

I ne a new stapler.

? On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me ?

? nothing ?

? On the second day
of Christmas ?

? my true love gave to me ?

Everybody!

? Nothing ?

? On the third day of chr-- ?

Merry Christmas.

Well, after that,
a lot of people decided

to make it an early night.

I guess once your husband rolls
out a new dishwasher

after you've spent the night
trashing him,

people can't get out
fast enough.

I love, love, love
my new dishwasher!

Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah,
Mwah, Mwah!

Oh, come on, Mike.
I really am sorry.

Please forgive me. Please?

Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah.

Come on. In my defense,
I never thought

in a million years
you would ever give me

a gift this nice.

I love you.
You're the best husband ever.

Yes, I am,

and you're the worst wife ever.

You know, I may not be
great at giving gifts,

but you are really lousy
at receiving 'em.

Agreed.

Now can we start making up?

Hmm?

So Mike and I made up...

Twice,

and my new dishwasher ended up
being a surprise after all.

It didn't fit.

Mike got a dishwasher to fit
a standard opening,

but as it turns out, nothing
in our house is standard.

I'll get it.

Merry Christmas, Sue Heck.

Reverend Timtom, you're here...

On Christmas!

I knew you couldn't give up
on Brick! I'll get him.

Hold on.
I didn't come to see Brick.

I came to see you.

Well, now I couldn't leave town

knowing that you were
mad at me.

I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.

Why did you give up on Brick?

Look, your little brother
is a questioner.

World's always been full
of great questioners.

Heck, if people didn't
ask questions,

God would be out of a job.

He's in the answer business.

But I don't want Brick
to question.

It's very clear to me.

I don't understand
why he doesn't get it.

Sue, do you like Justin Bieber?

Yes.

- Does Brick?
- No.

Does it bother you that Brick
doesn't like Justin Bieber

as much as you do?

Yes.
I don't get that either.

Well, the point is,
JB knows that

he can't force anybody
to be a fan.

He's aware that
people make fun of him.

He's in on that,
but the Bieb doesn't care.

He's just out there
singing his song,

hoping people come around.

I'm unofficial sergeant at arms
of his fan club,

and I am doing all I can.

That's nice,
but what I'm trying to say

is that Jesus rolls
like Justin.

JC put the good word out there
and let the people find him.

You should be cool with that.

Wow.

JB and JC.

That is blowing my mind.

So maybe you should
lighten up on Brick,

let him find his own path.

Well, I gotta be moving on.

I'm needed up in Chesterton.

Couple girls up there
think they're vampires.

This Twilight thing
has gotten out of hand.

I'll see you around, Sue Heck.

Oh, and look, it's got
a special setting for crystal,

so when we get some crystal,
we can wash it.

Oh.

- It's so quiet.
- Yeah.

Yeah. It's like
it's not even on.

Oh, wait. It's not on.

Ohh.

Yes, Christmas is
a season of wonder,

a time when anything
seems possible.

Isn't it amazing how
each snowflake is different?

I know. It took me, like,
three hours to cut out ten,

and God has to do, like,
50 billion.

You can't tell me
that's not a miracle.

That's a very good point.

So do you really believe all
that stuff in the Bible is true?

Oh, absolutely.

I don't know...

But it is a really cool story.

The roman numerals
are cool, too.

You don't see those
too much in books anymore.

Roman numerals.

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