The Middle (2009–2018): Season 3, Episode 12 - Year of the Hecks - full transcript

(Crow caws)

(All cheering)

Frankie: The new year --
celebrating a fresh start for

people all over the world.

Frankie and sue: Five...

Four...

Three...

Two..

One... this year already sucks.

Man on TV: Happy new year!

Both: Happy new year!



(Laughs)

Ohh.

Mike?

Mike.

Hey, we made it this year.

Well, don't flatter yourself.

You've been snoring since London.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

You can't all just go to bed.

It's the start of a brand-new year.

Come on, you know the drill.

We at least have to do the resolutions.

Not the resolutions.

I've got, like, 15 great ones.



Frankie, we really gonna go
through this charade again?

Why don't you just donate 100 bucks
to curves and call it a day?

Dad's right.

Every year, you make us say all
this stupid stuff we're gonna

do, and none of us ever do it.

Wow!

Are we really so lazy that none
of us can think of a single

thing we can improve on?

Sorry, mom.

I don't need to do anything better.

I can think of a lot of things the
rest of you need to do better, though.

Hey, I think axl's on to something.

Oh, brother.

We all know we never stick
to our own resolutions, but

what about if we picked
one for each other?

Ohh, this is turning
into a whole thing.

No, this is good.

It's good.

We'll secretly pull names out
of a hat, and then you write a

resolution for whoever you got.

So... what do we get if we do it?

If we do this, even just
for one week, dad and I...

Will take everyone to king Henry's
all-you-can-eat smorgasbord at the mall.

Hmm.

(Gasps)

Ho ho ho.

Okay.

Who wants to go -- I'll go.

"Stop being a pig, and clean that
filth hole you call a room."

Oh.

(Scoffs)

Very clever, mom.

I get it.

This is just a scam to get us
all to do the things you're too

lazy to do yourself.

It may be mine.

It may not be mine.

You don't know.

Go, brick.

Okay.

"Stop reading all the time."

I'm out.

Brick, once you read a book,
it's done, but you could go

back to the spud bar as
many times as you want.

How about this?

I'll stop reading, and
brick can clean my room.

No switching.

Okay.

It's my turn.

I'm so excited.

Drum roll, please.

It's 1:00 in the morning, sue.

Just read it.

"Stop trying out for
things you'll never make."

Axl!

It may be mine.

It may not be mine.

You don't know.

We said, no mean resolutions.

Mom, I want a new non-mean,
non-axl resolution.

Nobody gets a new one.

Whoever gave it to you...
Just thinks maybe you should take a little break.

Mm?

Mike, you're up.

"Smile more."

This is just dumb.

Who wrote this?

Who thinks I need to smile more?

What are you talking about?

I smile.

I smile all the time.

Mm, no, you don't.

You scowl.

I scowl?

And sometimes sneer.

Fine.

So I'm not going around
grinning like a chimp.

When I choose to smile, you know I mean it.

Hey, you scowl.

How come you're allowed
to scowl and I'm not?

I'm little.

I can get away with it.

Big, giant, scowling,
scary man -- not so much.

Big, giant, smiling,
scary man -- delightful.

Okay.

Shh.

My turn.

"Spend more time with brick."

Ohh, wow.

Well, I get the best
resolution of all of them.

Oh, this is great.

Yay!

I'm a bad mom, Mike, a bad, bad mom.

Okay, it's 2:30.

Just tell me what you need to hear.

My own son couldn't even
tell me he needed me.

He had to write it in a
resolution and he's right.

He's the third kid.

He totally got the shaft.

You know, when I had axl,
I didn't even work that whole

first year, and with sue, I
took, like, three months off,

but with brick, I only took a week

and technically, that was to raise the fergusons' baby.

It's true.

He didn't even get a day, not one day.

It's just that he's so quiet, you know?

Makes him easy to ignore.

I've always considered that
one of his better qualities.

(Sighs)

I'm serious, Mike.

What do we really know about him?

With axl, I know that he won't
eat bread ends, that he loves

the color green, and sue could
live off of potato chips, and

she loves any shampoo that
smells like peach, but with

brick, I know he likes to read.

That's it.

Do I know what his favourite color is?

No.

I'm a lazy mother, Mike.

(Sighs)

A lazy, lazy mother.

You really think I don't smile?

The new year brings resolutions
and sometimes even revelations.

Mom?

Dad?

Guess what?

Brad has huge news.

I'm a wrestler!

Ohh!

(Chuckles)

Ohh.

You gonna wear that
around all the time?

(Laughs)

Good one, Mr. heck.

I wanted to wear this out today
'cause we just got our costumes.

I'd go with "uniforms."

Check out these moves.

Go ahead, Mr. heck.

Try and tip me over.

I'm good.

Is it okay if we go into my rooo?

I'd actually prefer it.

Mine... mine... yours.

Hey!

Are you nuts?

I'm in detox.

You can't throw an open book in my face.

Chill out.

You chill out!

I haven't read in ten hours.

I didn't even get to
read in school today.

(Singsongy)

Knock knock.

What?

(Normal voice)

Hey, brick.

I know I've been busy, but guess what?

There's ants in the dishwasher hole.

You want to come help
me put down some traps?

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

Oh, come on.

You and me, pal.

Watching 'em all march
to their death together?

If that's not a mother-son bonding
activity, I don't know what is.

(Sighs)

And I hate it when people
say, "knock knock."

It's irritating.

Just knock or don't knock.

I just don't get it.

Why would someone in my family not
want me to go out for things?

It doesn't make any sense.

These straps are really
digging into my shoulders.

Oh!

I'm gonna bring it up
at the next rehearsal.

Unless... wait a minute.

Maybe what they're saying is
that I've been trying too hard

to do other people's things, and
that I should do my own thing.

Of course.

It's a riddle!

"Stop trying out for
things you'll never make."

Instead, "make your own opportunities."

I can't believe I ever
looked at this negatively.

(Gasps)

I could start my own club!

(Gasps)

Brilliant.

Oh, my God.

Brad.

Does anyone cheer for you
guys during your meets?

No, it smells pretty bad in there.

Well, then I am just gonna
have to convince your coach

that you need wrestlerettes.

(Pen clicks)

"Why there should be wrestlerettes
-- reason number one

if there weren't supposed to
be wrestling cheerleaders

why would pin rhyme with win?

Coach lazovick?

My name is sue heck, I'm a frosh
here at Orson high school,

and I think the wrestling team
should have cheerleaders.

"Reason number --"

okay.

Really?

You don't want to hear any one of my reasons?

I have over 200.

Nope.

Oh.

Okay.

But so you know, I do have one day of
cheerleading experience, so I'm legit.

Also, full disclosure -- I had
a prior romantic relationship

with one of your athletes.

Who?

Brad bottig.

Really?

First meet's Friday.

No uniforms, no budget.

I won't let you down.

That wouldn't be possible.

And, Dave, you and Jim are on
the earthmovers, so just work

the west berm until they fix
that drainage problem, okay?

Yep.

You got it, boss.

Oh, oh, and hey, guys.

Thanks.

I'm out.

I'm not smiling anymore.

I tried it.

It was weird.

Dad, you had the easiest one.

I am starting a whole new club
at school, axl is cleaning his

room, mom is hanging out with brick.

Damn it.

Brick!

Brick: What now?!

Come on, dad.

Please?

Show-off.

(Spritzes)

(Sniffs)

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Bam!

You owe me a giant cookie.

What are you talking about?

Whenever we'd pass by Mrs.
gooch's in the mall, I'd ask for a giant cookie, and

you'd always say, "if you get an 'a' on
a report card, we'll get you a cookie."

Well, in fifth grade English, I
was one paper away from an "a"

-- this paper.

If I had turned it in, I
would have gotten an "a."

I want my cookie.

But you didn't turn it in.

I'm just saying, I never worked
so hard on anything in my life.

This is the best thing I ever wrote.

"Fire trucks and why they're awesome."

Damn straight.

I did it.

I earned the "a."

I earned my cookie.

Yeah, but you didn't get an
"a" on your report card.

You got a "b."

But if I had turned it in, I
would have gotten an "a."

And you would have gotten a cookie

okay.

You know why fire trucks are awesome?

'Cause when they promise to
put out a fire, they do it.

So unless the next words out of
your mouth is, "here's a giant

cookie, axl," this
conversation is over!

So axl's resolution may not
have amounted to much, but sue

had found her calling.

I'm sue heck, captain
and head wrestlerette.

Now I have to warn you girls
right up front, you're not all

gonna make the squad.

As many as one of you won't,
and, weird ash -- I mean,

Ashley -- just because you went
to prom with my brother doesn't

mean you're getting special treatment.

Remember, we represent the team, we
represent the school, we represent America.

Now if you make the squad,
you'll be getting a call from me

tomorrow by 6:00 P.M., and I know
what it's like to wait by the phone.

You know what?

I'll call by 5:30.

(Crunches)

I'm three days bookless,
but I'm doing good, mom.

How are you doing with your resolution?

Uh, I'm going into the
laundry room now.

You wanna come?

I'll let you scoop the powder.

Scoop the powder?

All right, mom.

I'm gonna give you one more shot.

I don't have school on Friday, so we
can spend the whole day together then.

Oh, shoot.

I would so love that, but
I gotta work on Friday.

Okay.

Arlo's mom is taking him to
laser tag, so maybe I'll just

go with him, spend the
day with his mom.

What?

I mean, come on.

Anybody can go to laser tag.

You know what would be really fun?

Coming to work with me.

You can hang out and see what I do
and why I'm so tired all the time

you do seem overly tired for a woman your age.

Ugh!

This is just so hard.

I've never been on the other side
before it's like, Mary has a super

loud clap, Becky has the "it"

factor, Ruth can sort of do a
cartwheel, and weird Ashley has

a car for away meets.

I just had no idea the talent
pool would be so deep.

What am I gonna do?

Congratulations.

Everybody made it.

Wait.

Where's Mary?

Oh, she didn't want to do it.

What?

Why?

Okay.

Well, you know what?

That's okay.

It was only supposed to
be four of us anyway.

Now we have a lot to do.

I'veriritten up some cheers,
so let's get started.

So we're gonna practice now?

Yes.

We have a meet on Friday.

We've never practiced before.

We're gonna need to.

I guess this is more of a time
commitment than I expected.

I watch "phineas and ferb."

Every day?

I never miss it.

I like "phineas and ferb."

See that?

You both like "phineas
and ferb this is a team.

We are gellin'.

Wanna come over and watch?

Sure.

Yeah, guess we're not gonna
be on the team, either.

Hey.

Wait.

Come on.

You have to stay.

The wrestlers are counting on us.

It's okay.

We can make it work.

I was waiting for the
right time to tell you.

I can't be on the team.

My religion prevents me
from wearing short skirts.

And you think this is the right time?

Oh, good.

You're still alive.

(Snaps fingers)

What are you doing?

Well, this might sound a
little crazy, but, uh, I never

turned in this English paper, and it
cost me an "a" in your class, so...

I'm sorry.

In case you hadn't noticed,
now is not a good time.

Uh, look, Mrs. colavita... (Sighs)

I've never got an "a" on a report
card that wasn't p.E., ever.

If I could do this, it could
be a turning point in my life.

So if you could just sign a
form or something saying I

turned the paper in, I can...
(Clicks teeth)

Not so fast.

In order for me to give you an
"a" in the class, you need to

get an "a" on this paper.

(Pen clicks)

Now... you handed it in six years
late, so I should probably deduct...

A point a year seems fair,
so you're down to 94.

Missed comma -- 93, incomplete sentence
-- 92, no paragraph indent... well...

You misspelled "there."

(Sighs)

I did?

Axl.

You're in high school now.

Have you finally learned the
different spellings of "there,"

"their," and "they're?"

(Chuckles)

I can almost guarantee it.

Great.

"I really enjoyed seeing all
the fire trucks there."

Spell "there."

Heh.

Uh...

T-h-e...

I...

Know that's not right.

(Chuckles)

Uh, t-h-e... y...

Am I saying that when
I know it's wrong?

(Chuckles)

Is it one of those silent
letters, like in "psycho?"

(Sighs)

Uh, p-t-h... e...

Uh...

Okay, I knew the car dealership was
completely lame, but I was desperate.

Turns out I didn't have
to worry about brick.

Without a book in his face, he
was like a blind man seeing the

world for the first time.

The chair took up two hours, and
things just got better from there.

So what happens when you
have to go to the bathroom?

I just go.

(Normal voice)

You don't have to raise your hand?

Nope.

Whoa.

Did you know you have the coolest job?

Well, Mr. ehlert's not here today.

Some days are better than others.

(Telephone rings in distance)

But this has been a
really good day, brick.

So have you had enough of this one?

Can I interest you in a new model, sir?

Maybe a sensible sedan?

No, I'm comfortable here.

Besides, it's yellow.

It's my favourite color.

(Sighs)

(TV playing indistinctly)

I'm sorry to bother you at home,
but this is a spirit emergency.

The first wrestling meet of the
season is about to start, and

the Orson high wrestlerettes need to
bring it, bui I can't bring it alone.

I need my girls to bring it with me.

What do you say?

"Phineas and ferb" is on.

Okay, well, what if, just on
the days we have meets, you

record "phineas and ferb" and
watch it when you get home?

I really thought axl would be around.

Oh.

Well... we can hold practices at my
house, and I know axl's schedule

really well, so we'll definitely
be bumping into him a lot.

I'll grab my cape.

Yeah!

Who would have guessed it?

Yes!

Once we stopped picking our own
new year's resolutions, our

resolutions actually worked.

Sue went from anonymous nobody
to anonymous head wrestlerette.

(Girls chanting)

We're gonna get the pin!

We're gonna get the win!

Go, thundering hens!

Whoo!

Axl became, however
briefly, an "a" student.

Bam.

Check it out.

Got an "a" in fifth grade English.

Ooh.

You really bothered your
old teacher about this?

Yep, and she changed my grade.

I mean, it was after the fact, so it's
posthumousofof course, but still...

I got the bod.

I got the hair.

Now I got the brains.

I'm an "a" student, "a"
as in "ax-cellent."

Ha.

See what I did there?

T-h-e-r-e.

Ooh.

Hey, where you been?

I'll tell you where I'v been.

I went to the bank, and what
should have taken 2 minutes

took 20 because I smiled at the teller,
whose name is Tina, by the way.

She's a grandmother, and she has a dog,
and she likes tuna fish without mayo.

This is why I don't smile at
people -- because it's just an

invitation into boring people's lives.

Now I have to learn
how to use the a.T.M.

Okay, so Mike was still
a work in progress.

(Door opens)

How was your day?

Mm.

It was the best, Mike -- the best.

Brick and I spent the whole day
at ehlert's just hanging and

laughing and talking, and the
coolest part is that I really

think brick got how much he
means to me and that he's not

the forgotten third kid, you know?

Oh, and his favourite color's
yellow, by the way, and the

reason he rolls up his pyjama
bottoms is 'cause he's worried

he's gonna trip in his dreams.

(Chuckles)

Glad you guys had fun.

Where is he?

Brick.

Brick.

Oh, my God.

I left him at work.

You forgot brick.

You took our son to work
and left him there.

Look, I'm not used to driving
home with ybybody, okay?

I did what I always do.

I punched out, I stuffed two
rolls of toilet paper in my

purse, and I got out of there.

(Siren wailing)

Oh, crap.

(Whispers)

Crap, crap, crap.

Damn it.

I told you to let me drive.

(Shifts gears)

I told you to watch out for cops.

(Window whirs, car door closes)

Going a little fast there.

T-h-e-r-e!

Ow.

I-I'm really sorry, but I'm
trying to get to my son.

The thing is, I don't spend any
time with him, and then I did,

and then I left him, and now
he's alone, and he could be

lost or freezing, and it's all
because we were trying to get

him to stop reading.

Do I need to call social services here?

No, that's okay.

We're already in the system.

No, I mean, it wasn't anything big,
just me hitting him with a beer bottle.

But I didn't really, see?

It was trash day.

Excuse me.

Officer?

Maybe I can clear things up.

(Bell tinkles)

(Tires screech)

All: Brick!

Brick!

I see him!

Brick?!

Mom!

Yoyou're back!

Of course I'm back.

You didn't think I wouldn't
come back for you, did you?

Well, I didn't think you
would leave me in the first

place, so clearly, I'm not
that good of a judge.

Oh.

I'm so, so sorry.

I will make this up to you.

If she promises you a giant
cookie, get it up front.

Here, brick.

Take my atat.

I'm okay.

Brick, why didn't you run next
door to the ammo barn and call me?

Well, at first, ihohought since
we were having such a good

day, that you snuck out to buy
me a present, and then after a

couple hours, I realized that yoyou
probab j just flaked and forgot about me.

See?

He knows me so well now.

So like I was saying, despite all the
grumbling, our new year's resolutions

this year, had actually worked and
it was time to reward ourselves.

Ohh, where'd you get that ?

At the Chinese bar back behind the bathroom.

Oh, I missed it.

I'm gonna get that next

but right now I have 3 balls of clam chowder
to get through.

You know, that's the sound of a good restaurant, when
they do a lot of things well.

Well, I just want to thank brick for
giving me my best resolution ever.

I love spending time with you, even if
it did go horribly, horribly wrong.

Oh, I didn't give you that resolution.

I did.

(Chuckles)

Got mom off my back and onto yours.

Killed two nerds with one stone.

Wait, so if you wrote brick's, then
who told me not to try out for stuff?

Thanks for believing in me, dad.

I had axl.

Our room was disgusting.

I had brick.

Wait, then who had dad?

He has a nice smile.

Okay, now you got, like, eight
different kinds of food in your teeth.

Well, I'm proud of us.

We stuck to our resolutions, and from
here on out, it's just gonna get better.

I feel it.

2012 is gonna be the year of the hecks.

I know what you're thinking,
but that's not our car.

That's our car.

Sync by Sp8ky and corrected by honeybunny