The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Middle - full transcript
When Axl is suspended for skipping school, Mike decides it's time to teach his son a lesson about life and makes him go to work with him at the quarry. But Mike's master plan backfires when Axl likes the job so much that he wants ...
FRANKIE: Teenagers here in the middle
are just like teenagers around the world.
[ALL GASP]
FRANKIE:
They're stupid.
Mind taking a break on that thing?
- We're trying to eat.
AXL: Whatever.
FRANKIE: They're so stupid,
they'll show up on a school day...
... at the very place they know their dad
goes to eat lunch.
- Axl?
- Oh, hey.
What're you doing here?
You skipping school?
No, for your information...
...I am not skipping school,
I am suspended.
- For what?
- Skipping school.
[SIGHS]
This is why I didn't tell you.
I knew you wouldn't be cool about it.
Mom, did you know there was
this magic kit in the hall closet?
- Why didn't anybody tell me?
- Wow! The old magic kit. You found it.
FRANKIE: Damn, I thought I got rid
of that stupid magic kit.
It was annoying when Axl did it,
annoying when Sue did it.
I could only imagine with Brick.
You're always on me
to make friends.
And what better way than through
the amazing world of illusion?
[WHISPERS]
Amazing world of illusion.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Let me practice a trick on you.
Not now, Brick.
I gotta finish cleaning
all these smelly cross-country uniforms.
I gotta go buy healthy snacks
for the meet.
Apparently the half a box of doughnuts
I stole from work...
...shows a lack of effort.
- Wow, no wonder you're stressed.
Thank you. I am.
You need some entertainment.
I hold before you a coin
from the lost city of Atlantis.
With this coin, l... Oops.
I hold before you a coin
from the lost city of Atlantis.
With this coin, I will attempt...
- I sense you're losing interest.
- Ugh, just get to the trick, Brick.
- I hold before you...
- Mom, you're not gonna believe it.
The worst thing happened.
School board has to trim budget...
...and everyone's saying cross-country
is gonna get cut.
Oh, Sue, no. They can't do that.
You will be left in awe
as you watch this coin transported...
[COIN CLATTERING]
Your patience is requested.
How can they think
about cutting cross-country?
We're all getting so close.
Like the other day,
one of my teammates called me Sandy.
That's practically Sue, heh.
Well, they can't do this. No way.
- We are not taking this lying down.
- Thanks. I knew you'd say that.
There's this marathon school board
meeting to discuss the cutbacks.
- A meeting?
- Cross-country's at the beginning or end.
I don't know,
so we have to go for the whole thing.
Go XC, that's cross-country.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Go ahead, Axl. Tell her what you did.
- Tell her.
- I hold in my hand a coin...
Aw, the magic kit?
I thought we got rid of that.
He found it. What did you do?
Okay, first of all,
that cafeteria is unsanitary.
Troy and Fitz dared me and Darrin
to sneak off for lunch.
Darrin's like, "It's on."
I was like, "So on."
Darrin's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Hell yeah."
Darrin's all driving, I'm in the trunk.
We feast at Joe's Subs,
everything's cool.
We sneak back
and I'm still in the trunk.
Darrin's sexting this girl
he's never gonna get.
He forgets I'm in there.
The vice principal hears my screams.
They wanna make an example of me
because I wouldn't follow their rules...
...so I'm suspended for five days.
Eh, eh, eh.
Suspended?
This is not good.
We do not get suspended.
Why are we just finding out
about this?
They sent home a note,
but you're always busy.
So I signed it for you.
You're welcome.
You're gonna wanna remove yourself
from my line of vision. Now.
- Suspended?
- I got it.
- Wow, that's incredible, Brick.
- It's in your other hand.
[SIGHS]
What? I could see it.
I'm kind of relieved this is all out
in the open.
I didn't like lying to you.
I don't have to pretend to go to school.
I can hang out.
Suspension
is supposed to be a punishment, Axl.
- Oh, it is. There's nothing good on.
- All right, that's it.
You're not laying around all week
like vacation.
Starting tomorrow...
...you're gonna spend your suspension
with me at the quarry.
- Guess what. You're being put to work.
- What?
This is so not fair.
When I turn 30, I am so out of here.
FRANKIE: So the next day, Axl started work
at the quarry as part of his punishment.
You alphabetize those?
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
FRANKIE: It was a punishment, all right,
but for who?
This computer is so slow.
I'm gonna speed it up for you.
[BEEPING]
- Uh-oh, some numbers went away.
- Get up, get up, get up.
Two weeks to fix a front-Ioader?
That's too long, Fred.
We're not... We're not gonna make
our delivery dates.
[BANGS TABLE]
We're down to two front-Ioaders,
that's...
Congratulations, Dad, plan's working.
I can't wait to go back to school.
If I had to work,
I'd pack a lunchbox full of poison.
If you had to work there,
I might need to share.
- I'm serious. That place is lame.
- Watch it.
Quarry's filled with hard-working people
trying to provide for families.
Puts a roof over your head,
clothes on your back.
Get used to it,
you're stuck there for two more days.
Actually, it's three more days.
Oh.
Do you think Axl
might just be an idiot?
- Mike.
- No, I'm serious. Is he an idiot?
Is our kid an idiot?
I'm starting to wonder if he's an idiot.
Can't call your kid an idiot.
Books say you're not supposed to.
Well, I know that. It's just...
[SCOFFS]
A lot of hours in the day
when he's at school we don't see him.
But I was with him, Frankie.
I watched him all day long.
And I'm worried.
Remember how smart he used to be?
Then the hormones kicked in
and it's like they fritzed out his brain.
Well, tomorrow, I'm gonna bust his ass,
he's gonna learn respect for hard work.
Does it have to be tomorrow?
Can't you get off work,
go to school meeting instead of me?
- They listen to tall people.
- You'll be fine.
Go there,
make your case for cross-country.
If it doesn't work out,
it's not your fault, you tried.
[MIKE GRUNTS]
- It is my fault.
- No, it's not. Go to sleep.
It is my fault, Mike. It's all my fault.
[SIGHS]
What are you talking about?
- I prayed for cross-country to go away.
- What?
I prayed for it to go away. I just...
Oh, I've just been so resentful of it.
I have to do everything.
I bring water, I bring snacks...
...I make endless signs for fans
who never show.
And why should they?
It's boring. It's so boring.
[SIGHS]
Meet's canceled.
Someone saw a bobcat on the trail.
[GRUNTS]
I never meant it to happen.
I was at church last Sunday praying
for all the things you pray for:
Haiti, Pakistan...
And then cross-country
just pops into my head.
I tried to stop it, but it was too late.
The message was already sent.
And the next day...
...Sue comes in and says
cross-country's gonna be cut.
Oh, God.
What kind of mother prays
for something like that?
Frankie, they're 0 and 12.
If God does wanna cut cross-country
it's because he's a benevolent god...
...and he wants to put it out
of its misery.
But maybe I brought them
to his attention.
Cross-country might not get cut.
And then you'll see that God
doesn't get involved in sports.
If he did,
the Colts would've won the Super Bowl.
[MIKE GRUNTS]
FRANKIE:
So two hours and 11 minutes in...
... I suddenly remembered what I hated
about these parent meetings.
- The parents.
- You can't cut wrestling.
My son needs an outlet.
He has anger management issues.
Wrestling is safe.
We're not cutting the real sports.
Then why am I here? Moron.
My child, Tabatha Hockman...
Stand up, Tabatha.
- is extremely gifted...
...but hasn't been placed in the class.
- What is your question?
Why hasn't my daughter been
in gifted class?
MAN:
Sit down!
[BANGS]
Okay, l... Listen.
We're all concerned parents here.
But I think instead of getting up
and just talking about our own kids...
...we should take a deep breath...
...and really talk about what's best
for the school...
...the community, even the world.
- Thank you.
So thinking globally...
...I don't think we should cut
cross-country because...
Her kid's in cross-country.
WOMAN: Cut it.
- What?
[BANGS]
Cut it? Why don't we cut Chess Club?
Do we really need a whole club
for chess?
- You can play chess on your phone.
- You leave chess out of this.
My kid's got asthma.
He can't play a regular sport.
Seen the cross-country?
Your kid would fit in.
Don't know me,
Don't know my Robert.
- Don't you even say his name.
- What, Robert? Robert, Robert.
I've been here for two hours.
[BANGS]
WOMAN: Chess is a world sport.
FRANKIE: Oh, world sport.
I have something to say.
My name is Sue Heck
and I'm on cross-country.
I've never been on a team before,
but I sure have tried out for a lot.
I tried out for show choir,
gymnastics, tennis...
...flags, volleyball, baton...
Oh, right. And tumbling.
But then a team came along
that let me in.
Cross-country is no-cut.
It's the only sport
that takes everybody.
Don't any of you remember
how horrible...
...junior high can be
if you don't have something?
Panic hits you in lunch
when no one will sit with you...
...even if you pretend to have
an accent to seem interesting.
It's a den of wolves, you guys.
Don't cut cross-country because
cross-country would never cut you.
All in favor of cutting cross-country,
say aye.
ALL: Aye.
CHAIRMAN: Okay.
- It's unanimous. Cross-country is cut.
- What?
That was a heck of a speech.
You should be on Debate Club.
Though we cut that yesterday.
[MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK]
So I won't hit my head
from boredom?
I feel bad you were bored yesterday.
Today, I could make things
more interesting for you, put it on.
Boys, why don't you take my son here
down to the hole?
The hole? What happens there?
Your worst nightmare, hard work.
Keep your eyes open, home slice.
We don't want you wandering
into a blast zone.
Uh, so is this hole like a hole?
Or do you just call it that?
Chuck's right. Be safe out there.
Safety's my middle name.
Actually, it's Zeke,
but you know what I mean.
Gentlemen, we are cocked,
locked and ready to rock.
- Let's roll.
- Dad?
[SIGHS]
FRANKIE:
I couldn't believe it.
I'd accidentally prayed away
my daughter's happiness.
[BEEPS]
FRANKIE: And if my guilt wasn't enough,
God had found a new way to punish me.
This hat once belonged
to the great Harry Houdini.
Not now, Brick, okay?
But it's not just a hat...
...it's also a portal
to another dimension in time.
Prepare to be amazed
as this household item...
...is torn from our place
in the time-space continuum.
[EXHALES]
Wow, it's a good one.
With your indulgence, I will summon
the remote back from oblivion.
[GASPS]
Okay, where is it?
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
That's not funny, Brick.
We need that remote.
- What are we to eat dinner to, the radio?
- I'll summon it after my nap.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, honey.
How you doing?
Well, I cleaned out
my cross-country locker.
I tried to have everyone sign my jersey,
but only one there was the lady janitor.
It was nice though.
She signed it, "Keep it clean. Viv."
Hey.
I stopped on the way home
and got you something.
I can't. I don't deserve it.
I did something selfish and wrong.
Before the meeting, I prayed to God...
...to save cross-country.
- You did?
There's so much bad stuff going on
in the world and I just prayed for myself.
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
I don't deserve cross-country
and I don't deserve a cupcake.
But thanks anyway.
People pray for all kinds of things
they don't mean to pray for.
Good people,
who don't mean any harm.
Well, maybe I'll just have one bite.
So then Dave let me drive this
earthmover, which was awesome.
Chuck has been blowing stuff up
since he was 18.
He can barely hear anymore...
...but he says his sense of sight
got stronger to make up for it.
I doubt that, but interesting theory.
Sorry what I said yesterday
about everything being lame.
- Seem like good guys.
- They work hard.
They make good money too.
Chuck's got his place by the river.
Fifty-inch flat screen, pet snake,
his own fog machine.
You know, Axl, I wasn't bringing you
to work just to punish you.
- I was hoping you'd learn something.
- Oh, I did.
I learned
I shouldn't sweat school so much.
Get a job at the quarry
right out of high school.
- What?
- Then I wouldn't need college.
- Chuck didn't go to college.
- Uh, hang on.
That's not at all what I was...
[ENGINE REVS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Yo, Ax-man. Going to grab a burger.
- Wanna roll?
- Hells yeah. See you later, Dad.
[SQUEAKS]
- Rock on, boss man.
- Whoo!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, where's Axl?
Did you leave him at the quarry?
You mean the Ax-man?
He's grabbing some burg-age
with Chuck.
Who's Chuck?
[MIKE SIGHS]
I don't wanna talk about it.
- Hey, sorry about cross-country.
- It's horrible, Mike.
It's just horrible.
Nobody tells you how hard it is
to be parents.
Of course not.
If they told you, nobody would do it.
It's called punishing it forward.
Where's the remote?
Brick put it into a hat and transported it
into another dimension.
- It was pretty impressive actually.
- Brick, get in here.
Should've buried that magic kit
when we had the chance.
Brick, fun's over.
I need the remote. Need it bad.
I've been looking everywhere.
Might wanna expand your search
beyond the inside of that hat.
Dad, no offense, but you don't know
what you're talking about.
You haven't read the box.
FRANKIE:
Mike didn't believe in magic.
He didn't believe
I'd made cross-country disappear.
But I knew the truth
and the guilt was gnawing at me.
I had to do something.
Hey, I only have a second.
But I just wanted to touch base
with you again.
Maybe there's some greater purpose
for Sue not being on cross-country.
Because maybe she'll do something
even more great now.
Yeah, I know.
But could you just reverse my previous
prayer and replace it with this one?
Please, please,
please bring back cross-country.
We lost our remote, but that's like
an "if you can get to it" thing.
- Oh, there you are.
- Mr. Ehlert. What are you doing?
Think you're first lady I've seen
on the john?
Mrs. Ehlert hasn't shut the door
in 30 years.
I've got a stain on my tie
and I need you to get it out.
Honestly, Frances,
what's wrong with you?
Lately, you've been even more useless
than usual.
I'm sorry, Mr. Ehlert.
The thing is, my daughter's
cross-country team has been cut.
And it's the first thing she ever made.
FRANKIE: So I told him the whole story
from beginning to end.
I knew Mr. Ehlert hated hearing
about personal problems...
... but as long as I had him by the tie,
he kind of had to listen.
Next. Next.
Next. Wait, go back. Next.
My arm's getting tired.
Well, Presto, when you find my remote,
you can stop.
[DOOR OPENS]
Look at this, look at this.
Never underestimate
the power of prayer.
Mr. Ehlert wrote me a check
to save Sue's cross-country team.
What? Ehlert gave you money.
- Is he dying?
- I don't know, maybe.
How great is this? Sue.
Glad you're catching up
on your schoolwork.
For now.
Chuck says it's easy to drop out.
Can you call the school,
find out if there's papers to sign?
My God, you're too lazy
to even drop out yourself.
No, Chuck says it's not that hard.
Chuck says the last couple years
of high school are a waste.
- And Chuck says that if...
- That's it.
I got something to show you.
- Grab your coat.
- Chuck doesn't wear a coat.
Shut up.
So you think you got it all figured out,
huh?
You think you wanna be like Chuck?
Let's see how Chuck lives.
Sure, he has his own place...
...it's a trailer he bought
at a police auction.
I want you to take a good look
at the life this guy's living.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Whoa, is this Chuck's place?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
Look at all those girls.
If you look past the fun party,
you'll see...
There's a guy with a crossbow.
Sweet.
Axl, hang on.
Axl, I'm trying to make you see
that Chuck's life is not all that great...
Wow, what is she wearing?
The point is, Chuck never went
to college, so Chuck has no options.
Talking about working where you work.
I thought that'd make you happy.
After you finish college,
if you look at your options...
...and decide the quarry
is what you wanna do, great.
I want you to have choices,
to be able to do...
...what you wanna do.
That's what would make me happy.
Like I haven't given thought
to my future. I have.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like, if the quarry thing
doesn't work out...
Listen to this.
- I go on a reality show, get famous...
...and then people will pay me
to wear their clothes.
- Okay, you know what? You're an idiot.
- Hey.
No, you are. You're an idiot.
I tried to get creative here
and I tried to teach you...
...by example hoping that you'd get it,
but you're too stupid to get it right now.
I don't think you call your kid idiot.
Just an observation.
Don't beat yourself up.
Not your fault.
I was an idiot at your age.
So until you're no longer an idiot,
I will be making the decisions for you.
That means not dropping out of school,
you're going to college.
And those mutton chops
you talked about growing?
- Not happening.
- Oh, you're trying to make me doubt myself.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Let me make it simple.
Any instinct you have right now,
do the opposite.
[SIGHS]
Trust me. Someday,
when you're done being an idiot...
...and you have an idiot of your own,
you'll thank me.
I'm guessing you're not gonna let me go
to Chuck's party.
See? You're getting smarter already.
- So, like, what kind of stuff did you do?
- That's not important.
Important thing is I turned out okay.
And I'm pretty sure
you're gonna turn out okay too.
- Pretty sure?
- Seventy-five, 80 percent.
What kind of stuff did you do?
MIKE:
It was my junior year, I think...
...and my buddy Greg and I decided
that it might be fun...
...to jump off an overpass
onto a moving bus.
AXL: Never met Greg.
MIKE: No, you haven't.
FRANKIE:
The truth is, as a parent...
... you're gonna end up using
everything in your arsenal.
Common sense, prayer,
even a little magic.
Because in this universe,
some things are explainable.
Like why the most selfish man
in the world...
... would end up paying
for a girls' cross-country team.
[GUNSHOT]
[PARENTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
FRANKIE:
And some things are unexplainable.
Okay, you wanna see some real magic?
I just bought this universal remote.
Once I open the package,
it is not returnable.
Now, watch carefully as I open it up.
- And...
BRICK: Found it!
Ta-da.
[English - US - SDH]
are just like teenagers around the world.
[ALL GASP]
FRANKIE:
They're stupid.
Mind taking a break on that thing?
- We're trying to eat.
AXL: Whatever.
FRANKIE: They're so stupid,
they'll show up on a school day...
... at the very place they know their dad
goes to eat lunch.
- Axl?
- Oh, hey.
What're you doing here?
You skipping school?
No, for your information...
...I am not skipping school,
I am suspended.
- For what?
- Skipping school.
[SIGHS]
This is why I didn't tell you.
I knew you wouldn't be cool about it.
Mom, did you know there was
this magic kit in the hall closet?
- Why didn't anybody tell me?
- Wow! The old magic kit. You found it.
FRANKIE: Damn, I thought I got rid
of that stupid magic kit.
It was annoying when Axl did it,
annoying when Sue did it.
I could only imagine with Brick.
You're always on me
to make friends.
And what better way than through
the amazing world of illusion?
[WHISPERS]
Amazing world of illusion.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Let me practice a trick on you.
Not now, Brick.
I gotta finish cleaning
all these smelly cross-country uniforms.
I gotta go buy healthy snacks
for the meet.
Apparently the half a box of doughnuts
I stole from work...
...shows a lack of effort.
- Wow, no wonder you're stressed.
Thank you. I am.
You need some entertainment.
I hold before you a coin
from the lost city of Atlantis.
With this coin, l... Oops.
I hold before you a coin
from the lost city of Atlantis.
With this coin, I will attempt...
- I sense you're losing interest.
- Ugh, just get to the trick, Brick.
- I hold before you...
- Mom, you're not gonna believe it.
The worst thing happened.
School board has to trim budget...
...and everyone's saying cross-country
is gonna get cut.
Oh, Sue, no. They can't do that.
You will be left in awe
as you watch this coin transported...
[COIN CLATTERING]
Your patience is requested.
How can they think
about cutting cross-country?
We're all getting so close.
Like the other day,
one of my teammates called me Sandy.
That's practically Sue, heh.
Well, they can't do this. No way.
- We are not taking this lying down.
- Thanks. I knew you'd say that.
There's this marathon school board
meeting to discuss the cutbacks.
- A meeting?
- Cross-country's at the beginning or end.
I don't know,
so we have to go for the whole thing.
Go XC, that's cross-country.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Go ahead, Axl. Tell her what you did.
- Tell her.
- I hold in my hand a coin...
Aw, the magic kit?
I thought we got rid of that.
He found it. What did you do?
Okay, first of all,
that cafeteria is unsanitary.
Troy and Fitz dared me and Darrin
to sneak off for lunch.
Darrin's like, "It's on."
I was like, "So on."
Darrin's like, "Yeah."
I'm like, "Hell yeah."
Darrin's all driving, I'm in the trunk.
We feast at Joe's Subs,
everything's cool.
We sneak back
and I'm still in the trunk.
Darrin's sexting this girl
he's never gonna get.
He forgets I'm in there.
The vice principal hears my screams.
They wanna make an example of me
because I wouldn't follow their rules...
...so I'm suspended for five days.
Eh, eh, eh.
Suspended?
This is not good.
We do not get suspended.
Why are we just finding out
about this?
They sent home a note,
but you're always busy.
So I signed it for you.
You're welcome.
You're gonna wanna remove yourself
from my line of vision. Now.
- Suspended?
- I got it.
- Wow, that's incredible, Brick.
- It's in your other hand.
[SIGHS]
What? I could see it.
I'm kind of relieved this is all out
in the open.
I didn't like lying to you.
I don't have to pretend to go to school.
I can hang out.
Suspension
is supposed to be a punishment, Axl.
- Oh, it is. There's nothing good on.
- All right, that's it.
You're not laying around all week
like vacation.
Starting tomorrow...
...you're gonna spend your suspension
with me at the quarry.
- Guess what. You're being put to work.
- What?
This is so not fair.
When I turn 30, I am so out of here.
FRANKIE: So the next day, Axl started work
at the quarry as part of his punishment.
You alphabetize those?
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
FRANKIE: It was a punishment, all right,
but for who?
This computer is so slow.
I'm gonna speed it up for you.
[BEEPING]
- Uh-oh, some numbers went away.
- Get up, get up, get up.
Two weeks to fix a front-Ioader?
That's too long, Fred.
We're not... We're not gonna make
our delivery dates.
[BANGS TABLE]
We're down to two front-Ioaders,
that's...
Congratulations, Dad, plan's working.
I can't wait to go back to school.
If I had to work,
I'd pack a lunchbox full of poison.
If you had to work there,
I might need to share.
- I'm serious. That place is lame.
- Watch it.
Quarry's filled with hard-working people
trying to provide for families.
Puts a roof over your head,
clothes on your back.
Get used to it,
you're stuck there for two more days.
Actually, it's three more days.
Oh.
Do you think Axl
might just be an idiot?
- Mike.
- No, I'm serious. Is he an idiot?
Is our kid an idiot?
I'm starting to wonder if he's an idiot.
Can't call your kid an idiot.
Books say you're not supposed to.
Well, I know that. It's just...
[SCOFFS]
A lot of hours in the day
when he's at school we don't see him.
But I was with him, Frankie.
I watched him all day long.
And I'm worried.
Remember how smart he used to be?
Then the hormones kicked in
and it's like they fritzed out his brain.
Well, tomorrow, I'm gonna bust his ass,
he's gonna learn respect for hard work.
Does it have to be tomorrow?
Can't you get off work,
go to school meeting instead of me?
- They listen to tall people.
- You'll be fine.
Go there,
make your case for cross-country.
If it doesn't work out,
it's not your fault, you tried.
[MIKE GRUNTS]
- It is my fault.
- No, it's not. Go to sleep.
It is my fault, Mike. It's all my fault.
[SIGHS]
What are you talking about?
- I prayed for cross-country to go away.
- What?
I prayed for it to go away. I just...
Oh, I've just been so resentful of it.
I have to do everything.
I bring water, I bring snacks...
...I make endless signs for fans
who never show.
And why should they?
It's boring. It's so boring.
[SIGHS]
Meet's canceled.
Someone saw a bobcat on the trail.
[GRUNTS]
I never meant it to happen.
I was at church last Sunday praying
for all the things you pray for:
Haiti, Pakistan...
And then cross-country
just pops into my head.
I tried to stop it, but it was too late.
The message was already sent.
And the next day...
...Sue comes in and says
cross-country's gonna be cut.
Oh, God.
What kind of mother prays
for something like that?
Frankie, they're 0 and 12.
If God does wanna cut cross-country
it's because he's a benevolent god...
...and he wants to put it out
of its misery.
But maybe I brought them
to his attention.
Cross-country might not get cut.
And then you'll see that God
doesn't get involved in sports.
If he did,
the Colts would've won the Super Bowl.
[MIKE GRUNTS]
FRANKIE:
So two hours and 11 minutes in...
... I suddenly remembered what I hated
about these parent meetings.
- The parents.
- You can't cut wrestling.
My son needs an outlet.
He has anger management issues.
Wrestling is safe.
We're not cutting the real sports.
Then why am I here? Moron.
My child, Tabatha Hockman...
Stand up, Tabatha.
- is extremely gifted...
...but hasn't been placed in the class.
- What is your question?
Why hasn't my daughter been
in gifted class?
MAN:
Sit down!
[BANGS]
Okay, l... Listen.
We're all concerned parents here.
But I think instead of getting up
and just talking about our own kids...
...we should take a deep breath...
...and really talk about what's best
for the school...
...the community, even the world.
- Thank you.
So thinking globally...
...I don't think we should cut
cross-country because...
Her kid's in cross-country.
WOMAN: Cut it.
- What?
[BANGS]
Cut it? Why don't we cut Chess Club?
Do we really need a whole club
for chess?
- You can play chess on your phone.
- You leave chess out of this.
My kid's got asthma.
He can't play a regular sport.
Seen the cross-country?
Your kid would fit in.
Don't know me,
Don't know my Robert.
- Don't you even say his name.
- What, Robert? Robert, Robert.
I've been here for two hours.
[BANGS]
WOMAN: Chess is a world sport.
FRANKIE: Oh, world sport.
I have something to say.
My name is Sue Heck
and I'm on cross-country.
I've never been on a team before,
but I sure have tried out for a lot.
I tried out for show choir,
gymnastics, tennis...
...flags, volleyball, baton...
Oh, right. And tumbling.
But then a team came along
that let me in.
Cross-country is no-cut.
It's the only sport
that takes everybody.
Don't any of you remember
how horrible...
...junior high can be
if you don't have something?
Panic hits you in lunch
when no one will sit with you...
...even if you pretend to have
an accent to seem interesting.
It's a den of wolves, you guys.
Don't cut cross-country because
cross-country would never cut you.
All in favor of cutting cross-country,
say aye.
ALL: Aye.
CHAIRMAN: Okay.
- It's unanimous. Cross-country is cut.
- What?
That was a heck of a speech.
You should be on Debate Club.
Though we cut that yesterday.
[MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK]
So I won't hit my head
from boredom?
I feel bad you were bored yesterday.
Today, I could make things
more interesting for you, put it on.
Boys, why don't you take my son here
down to the hole?
The hole? What happens there?
Your worst nightmare, hard work.
Keep your eyes open, home slice.
We don't want you wandering
into a blast zone.
Uh, so is this hole like a hole?
Or do you just call it that?
Chuck's right. Be safe out there.
Safety's my middle name.
Actually, it's Zeke,
but you know what I mean.
Gentlemen, we are cocked,
locked and ready to rock.
- Let's roll.
- Dad?
[SIGHS]
FRANKIE:
I couldn't believe it.
I'd accidentally prayed away
my daughter's happiness.
[BEEPS]
FRANKIE: And if my guilt wasn't enough,
God had found a new way to punish me.
This hat once belonged
to the great Harry Houdini.
Not now, Brick, okay?
But it's not just a hat...
...it's also a portal
to another dimension in time.
Prepare to be amazed
as this household item...
...is torn from our place
in the time-space continuum.
[EXHALES]
Wow, it's a good one.
With your indulgence, I will summon
the remote back from oblivion.
[GASPS]
Okay, where is it?
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
That's not funny, Brick.
We need that remote.
- What are we to eat dinner to, the radio?
- I'll summon it after my nap.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, honey.
How you doing?
Well, I cleaned out
my cross-country locker.
I tried to have everyone sign my jersey,
but only one there was the lady janitor.
It was nice though.
She signed it, "Keep it clean. Viv."
Hey.
I stopped on the way home
and got you something.
I can't. I don't deserve it.
I did something selfish and wrong.
Before the meeting, I prayed to God...
...to save cross-country.
- You did?
There's so much bad stuff going on
in the world and I just prayed for myself.
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
I don't deserve cross-country
and I don't deserve a cupcake.
But thanks anyway.
People pray for all kinds of things
they don't mean to pray for.
Good people,
who don't mean any harm.
Well, maybe I'll just have one bite.
So then Dave let me drive this
earthmover, which was awesome.
Chuck has been blowing stuff up
since he was 18.
He can barely hear anymore...
...but he says his sense of sight
got stronger to make up for it.
I doubt that, but interesting theory.
Sorry what I said yesterday
about everything being lame.
- Seem like good guys.
- They work hard.
They make good money too.
Chuck's got his place by the river.
Fifty-inch flat screen, pet snake,
his own fog machine.
You know, Axl, I wasn't bringing you
to work just to punish you.
- I was hoping you'd learn something.
- Oh, I did.
I learned
I shouldn't sweat school so much.
Get a job at the quarry
right out of high school.
- What?
- Then I wouldn't need college.
- Chuck didn't go to college.
- Uh, hang on.
That's not at all what I was...
[ENGINE REVS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Yo, Ax-man. Going to grab a burger.
- Wanna roll?
- Hells yeah. See you later, Dad.
[SQUEAKS]
- Rock on, boss man.
- Whoo!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, where's Axl?
Did you leave him at the quarry?
You mean the Ax-man?
He's grabbing some burg-age
with Chuck.
Who's Chuck?
[MIKE SIGHS]
I don't wanna talk about it.
- Hey, sorry about cross-country.
- It's horrible, Mike.
It's just horrible.
Nobody tells you how hard it is
to be parents.
Of course not.
If they told you, nobody would do it.
It's called punishing it forward.
Where's the remote?
Brick put it into a hat and transported it
into another dimension.
- It was pretty impressive actually.
- Brick, get in here.
Should've buried that magic kit
when we had the chance.
Brick, fun's over.
I need the remote. Need it bad.
I've been looking everywhere.
Might wanna expand your search
beyond the inside of that hat.
Dad, no offense, but you don't know
what you're talking about.
You haven't read the box.
FRANKIE:
Mike didn't believe in magic.
He didn't believe
I'd made cross-country disappear.
But I knew the truth
and the guilt was gnawing at me.
I had to do something.
Hey, I only have a second.
But I just wanted to touch base
with you again.
Maybe there's some greater purpose
for Sue not being on cross-country.
Because maybe she'll do something
even more great now.
Yeah, I know.
But could you just reverse my previous
prayer and replace it with this one?
Please, please,
please bring back cross-country.
We lost our remote, but that's like
an "if you can get to it" thing.
- Oh, there you are.
- Mr. Ehlert. What are you doing?
Think you're first lady I've seen
on the john?
Mrs. Ehlert hasn't shut the door
in 30 years.
I've got a stain on my tie
and I need you to get it out.
Honestly, Frances,
what's wrong with you?
Lately, you've been even more useless
than usual.
I'm sorry, Mr. Ehlert.
The thing is, my daughter's
cross-country team has been cut.
And it's the first thing she ever made.
FRANKIE: So I told him the whole story
from beginning to end.
I knew Mr. Ehlert hated hearing
about personal problems...
... but as long as I had him by the tie,
he kind of had to listen.
Next. Next.
Next. Wait, go back. Next.
My arm's getting tired.
Well, Presto, when you find my remote,
you can stop.
[DOOR OPENS]
Look at this, look at this.
Never underestimate
the power of prayer.
Mr. Ehlert wrote me a check
to save Sue's cross-country team.
What? Ehlert gave you money.
- Is he dying?
- I don't know, maybe.
How great is this? Sue.
Glad you're catching up
on your schoolwork.
For now.
Chuck says it's easy to drop out.
Can you call the school,
find out if there's papers to sign?
My God, you're too lazy
to even drop out yourself.
No, Chuck says it's not that hard.
Chuck says the last couple years
of high school are a waste.
- And Chuck says that if...
- That's it.
I got something to show you.
- Grab your coat.
- Chuck doesn't wear a coat.
Shut up.
So you think you got it all figured out,
huh?
You think you wanna be like Chuck?
Let's see how Chuck lives.
Sure, he has his own place...
...it's a trailer he bought
at a police auction.
I want you to take a good look
at the life this guy's living.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Whoa, is this Chuck's place?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]
Look at all those girls.
If you look past the fun party,
you'll see...
There's a guy with a crossbow.
Sweet.
Axl, hang on.
Axl, I'm trying to make you see
that Chuck's life is not all that great...
Wow, what is she wearing?
The point is, Chuck never went
to college, so Chuck has no options.
Talking about working where you work.
I thought that'd make you happy.
After you finish college,
if you look at your options...
...and decide the quarry
is what you wanna do, great.
I want you to have choices,
to be able to do...
...what you wanna do.
That's what would make me happy.
Like I haven't given thought
to my future. I have.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Like, if the quarry thing
doesn't work out...
Listen to this.
- I go on a reality show, get famous...
...and then people will pay me
to wear their clothes.
- Okay, you know what? You're an idiot.
- Hey.
No, you are. You're an idiot.
I tried to get creative here
and I tried to teach you...
...by example hoping that you'd get it,
but you're too stupid to get it right now.
I don't think you call your kid idiot.
Just an observation.
Don't beat yourself up.
Not your fault.
I was an idiot at your age.
So until you're no longer an idiot,
I will be making the decisions for you.
That means not dropping out of school,
you're going to college.
And those mutton chops
you talked about growing?
- Not happening.
- Oh, you're trying to make me doubt myself.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do.
Let me make it simple.
Any instinct you have right now,
do the opposite.
[SIGHS]
Trust me. Someday,
when you're done being an idiot...
...and you have an idiot of your own,
you'll thank me.
I'm guessing you're not gonna let me go
to Chuck's party.
See? You're getting smarter already.
- So, like, what kind of stuff did you do?
- That's not important.
Important thing is I turned out okay.
And I'm pretty sure
you're gonna turn out okay too.
- Pretty sure?
- Seventy-five, 80 percent.
What kind of stuff did you do?
MIKE:
It was my junior year, I think...
...and my buddy Greg and I decided
that it might be fun...
...to jump off an overpass
onto a moving bus.
AXL: Never met Greg.
MIKE: No, you haven't.
FRANKIE:
The truth is, as a parent...
... you're gonna end up using
everything in your arsenal.
Common sense, prayer,
even a little magic.
Because in this universe,
some things are explainable.
Like why the most selfish man
in the world...
... would end up paying
for a girls' cross-country team.
[GUNSHOT]
[PARENTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
FRANKIE:
And some things are unexplainable.
Okay, you wanna see some real magic?
I just bought this universal remote.
Once I open the package,
it is not returnable.
Now, watch carefully as I open it up.
- And...
BRICK: Found it!
Ta-da.
[English - US - SDH]