The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Middle - full transcript

What is
the perfect American family?

Who knows exactly? I do know,
out here in the middle,

it's something
we all strive for.

Get your heads out of your butts
and move, people!

We are not gonna be late
for church again!

Yeah, we're still striving.
I am sick of this, Axl!

- You are always moving the arrow to my name.
- It's your turn!

- It was my turn to load the dishwasher yesterday.
- Yeah, but mom brought home pasta bread bowls,

so actually we ate the dishes,
so that makes it your turn, so...

Ha!
But it's not my fault that mom's too lazy to cook,

so it's not my problem,
it's your problem.



Ohh! Swoosh! Nothin' but net.
Game over. Ooh!

Ugh! Would you two stop it?
That's the whole reason

I made the stupid chore chart
is to avoid all this.

Tell him! It's his turn! Look, I am sorry.
I don't know whose turn it is to do what,

and we're in a hurry,
so the arrow decides.

Sweet.

Not fair.
Spin again.

The arrow has spoken. I am not kidding!
You heard your mother! Why am I yelling?

Dishwasher. What's the matter with you?
You're both

practically adults now. It's
time to start acting like it.

That the general idea of what
you were going for?
Yeah.

Oh, great.
Now brick's in the front seat.

He's probably seconds away from
putting the car in gear, so go.

Go!
Ugh!



Did you
remember to take the car in?

That warning
light's on again.

Yes, I remembered,
but I didn't do it,

'cause I called
the exterminator,

and it's your turn.
Nope. It's your turn,
'cause I fixed the garbage disposal,

- and I'm buried at work right now.
- Well, where do you think I go every day?

I'm not coming home beaten down
and dejected from the spa.

And if you're looking to help
others, and God hopes you are,

we still need host families to
place foreign exchange students.

When you load the dishwasher,
I didn't rinse any of my plates,

so you got some
really nasty scraping

ahead of you. Normally Sue
would let things slide and just take it,

but it was her time
of the month...

Aah! The time when she gets
her braces tightened.

Aah!

Mike.
Love your sister.

Now bless you all,
and we hope to see you next Sunday.

So, Frankie, are you guys gonna
host a foreign exchange student?

We did it last year,
and we're doing it again.

You get so much from it.

Oh, wow. Gosh, Nancy, we would
love to, but we're so busy,

what with... recycling
and everything.

Believe me, it's
the most rewarding experience

for the whole family,
especially the kids.

Really?
Oh, it totally changes them.

Being immersed with someone
from a different culture

gives them
this global experience

and makes them
more tolerant and mature.

Mom,
Axl wiped a booger on me!

Listen, guys...

That was the reverend,
and he says there's a bunch

of foreign exchange students still available.
I'm sure there are.

Remember at church today?

- I was talking to Nancy Donahue, and she...
- Oh, man.

And she said it's
a very rewarding experience

that makes kids more tolerant.

And our kids could use some more
tolerance, Mike, and guess what?

There's a kid in Japan who would
love to come to Indiana. Why?

A foreign exchange kid?
I don't know, Frankie.

We have enough trouble paying
attention to the kids we have.

Do we get to exchange someone?
'Cause I vote for Axl.

I'm in. This is way better than
the dog you wouldn't let me get.

Can we name him "Rex"?

Guys, guys,
it's not about that.

This is about us hosting
someone, making a difference.

We'd be like a pebble
that makes a tiny ripple

that becomes this wave...
A wave that starts in Orson

and becomes bigger and bigger
all the way to Japan.

Those big waves are called
"tsunamis"...

And they don't like them.

Mike, I'm serious. We have
a real opportunity here.

We'll be like ambassadors.
Then he goes out in the world

and tells people
how great it is here.

And pretty soon,
America's popular again.

Come on, Mike.

I talked you into hummus,
and you ended up liking that.

I'm down, but as long as it's
some super hot girl from Finland

or Sweden. Is there some sort
of catalog we can look at?

Hey, you get
what they give you,

just like we did with you guys.

The day had finally arrived.
The house was clean.

The kids were clean.

I even got Mike
to power wash all the cobwebs

off the screens.

Yeah, I should've done this
years ago.

God, this is so exciting.

We're actually in
the international section

of the airport.

Those people over there
just got off the plane

from Toronto... Canada.

I'm proud of us, Mike.

We're actually gonna change
someone's life,

and they're gonna change ours.
Who knows?

Maybe next year we'll be spending
Christmas in Japan.

They celebrate that, right?
I hear they got a lot of malls there, so probably.

Yeah. Takayuki?

Hey!
You made it! Hi.

I don't know
if you're a hugger,

but you're gettin' one.
Ohh.

Welcome to America.
Uh, I'm Frankie.

This is Mike...

Axl...

Brick... and Sue.
We are your family.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh! Can Takayuki sit
next to me on the way home?

No, he's mine.
Mom got him for me.

Brick, I got him for everybody.

Oh!
We know you're not a pet.

You probably
noticed my sweatshirt.

I'm on cross-country.

I'm what you call
a "jock."

Itch.

Don't start!

Okay, Takayuki, get ready,

'cause we're gonna show you
America!

Whoo-hoo!

I don't know what you watch
at your house,

but we have all kinds of great shows here...

"The Bachelor," "Bachelorette,"
"Say Yes To The Dress,"

"Ace Of Cakes."
Oh.

Don't think all American girls
are Lindsay Lohan.

I'm taking an aspirin, 'cause I
just got my braces tightened.

They're correcting
an overbite-crossbite.

Do you have
braces in Japan?

Do you read any anime
or manga books? I have lots.

I'd love to get

an actual Japanese person's
insight.

No, I do not read them,

and, yes, we have braces.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.
You're probably jet-lagged,

and here we are pestering you
with a bunch of questions.

We're just so
excited to have you here.

Mnh. No!
Those are my fries.

Axl! Why don't you and Sue clean
up and take your empty bags

to the kitchen, please?
Thank you.

Uh, you know, Takayuki,

you can eat what's in that bag.

That's yours.

No, thank you.

Axl! You are so dead!
I'm sick of this, Axl!

That's American teen lingo.
"Dead" means "cool."

I wouldn't use that, though.
Excuse me.

Axl! Ugh!
Stop it!

You want him to think we're
animals? We are ambassadors!

Axl, moved the arrow again!

Sue, get back in there
and entertain our guest!

I will straighten out
your brother.

Axl, I have had it with...

Okay, look, I'll pay you $10

to get along with your sister
while Takayuki's here.

Yeah.

And that's why we have
three branches of government.

Oh, Frankie's back.

So...

Tell us about your family.

Do you have
any brothers or sisters?

Yes.

Yes, you have brothers,
or, yes, you have sisters?

Or yes for both?

Yes.

Okay. Well, good.

Is there anything
you want to know about us?

No.

Well, we could just gab
all night, but, you know,

it's gettin' late,
so, Takayuki,

why don't I show you
to your room?

Alright,
so it was a little rough,

but it was only his first day.

I knew Takayuki just needed
a good night's sleep

and a good old American breakfast.

Guess what?

Today you're going
to school with Axl.

Ooh.
Senior hotties. Okay. Here's the plan.

When they walk by,
look confused and ask for help.

They'll stop
'cause you're exotic.

You tell them how great I am.
I show up. You get the ugly one.

Got it?

Oh, my gosh.
Did he really?

Dude.

Worst day of my life,
and I live here!

It's only his second day.

Did you know
that 85% of your people

have never tasted turkey

and that your national bird
is the kiji?

Kiji.

Ours is the bald eagle.

Benjamin Franklin wanted it
to be the turkey,

which 85% of your people
have never tasted.

Isn't that funny?

Yes.

Well, that was exhausting.

It's only his third day.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ Don't... ♪

♪ nobody know... ♪

I just sang karaoke

for three hours
and nothing!

And Brick told me
it's their national pastime!

It's only his fourth day!

Frankie, I think we got a dud.

Mike, he is not a dud.

I'm with dad.
I tried to play bananagrams with him.

He went to the bathroom
and never came out.

He's like a cat.

You show him affection,
but he doesn't return it.

He's just a shy kid
who's only been here for...

Five days.
That's right. For five days!

You can't expect somebody
to come halfway around the world

and just jump in and become
a part of the family.

It takes time. You call yourselves ambassadors.
No, we didn't. You called us that.

And I'm sorry I did.

Now I am going to the Donahue's'
to borrow their toaster,

because ours is starting
to spark, and while I'm there,

I want you to think about
improving your attitude.

I know Takayuki doesn't say
how disappointed he is,

but his vacant stare
speaks volumes.

Mom. Mom. I
threw Axl's pillow on the roof,

and now he says he's gonna
get revenge, and...

Sue, I don't want to hear it.
I'm laying down the law!

Here's a $5.
Love your brother.

Hi, Takayuki.
How was fishing?

Okay.

Oh, you didn't like
your French toast dippers?

Takayuki, I'm kind of
at a loss here.

I've been making you
breakfast every morning,

and you're not eating it.

How do you know you don't like
it, if you don't even try it?

I mean, these are really good.

They have maple flavoring
baked right in. Mmm. See?

You know what?

I'll be back.

Hey, Nancy. Let me help.

Oh, thanks, Frankie.
It's my third trip

- to the grocery store this week.
- Oh, you, too? I mean,

isn't it hard to find something
your exchange student will eat?

Oh, no. Ours is
practically a chef.

From another region of Spain.

Last night was tapas from...
Bar-thelona.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, us, too.

Boy, we are having a blast
over there. It's so much fun.

Oh, isn't it?

Esteban plays guitar

and has been teaching us
flamenco dancing.

Ooh. He's such a treasure. I'm
sure you all feel the same way.

Oh, yeah.
Feelings. So many feelings.

You should get together
with the Taylors,

'cause they got assigned
a boy from Japan, too,

and they're having a blast.

Mama, I made rebujitos.

Gra-thias, Esteban.
Oh.

Come.

I brought a game from Spain
called "patim patam patum."

There is lots of running
and pushing,

with many laughs between players.
Let's play! Ooh.

We got a dud.

You guys were right. Takayuki's
a dud. We got ripped off.

Duh.
Told you.

That's what we've been telling you.
He's no hummus.

What are you drinking?
Nancy's Esteban made it.

He's been cooking, dancing,
teaching them games.

They're getting
this amazing global experience,

and we're hiding from ours
in the bedroom.

Dog's looking better and better, isn't it?
I wanted a cultural exchange,

and instead I get
another sullen teen.

I mean, what's with his parents,
sending him over here?

I would never saddle some
poor Japanese family with Axl.

Hey, I would
totally rage in Japan.

You know, I'm tempted to write
the agency a letter. You won't.

Yeah, probably not,
but I should.

Well, we're just
gonna have to get through

one more week with him.

I know. I know.

Now what? Wait. We can't
all leave at the same time.

He'll think we were in here
talking about him.

Wait a few minutes,
then come out one at a time.

But not the same amount of time,
or it'll look like a pattern.

Stagger it.

But vary it, so the stagger
doesn't look like a pattern.

Oh, sorry, Frankie,
but I forgot to ask,

could you take in our mail
this week?

We're taking Esteban
to cedar point.

Wow. That's quite a trip.

Well, we already hit all
the hot spots in Orson... the zoo,

the Amish general store,
pioneer galaxy mall.

He went berserk for kettle corn,
and we just take it for granted.

Well, I never will again.

So, um, y-you've been
taking him places?

Oh, yes. It's an important part
of the cultural immersion.

Can I tell you,
when we first t Esteban,

he was so shy
he hardly said a word?

Esteban?

"Pitum patum putum" Esteban?

Uh-huh. And then we started
taking him places,

and he opened right up.

I mean, they didn't fly
halfway around the world

just to sit
in front of a TV, right?

No, they did not.

We're the duds.

What? That's right.
It's not him.

It's us.
We're a horrible host family.

Oh, no. Hang on.

When you left, we were all in agreement
that he's the dud. Yeah, well, he's not.

I was talking to Nancy Donahue
and she... oh.

I swear, I'm building a fence
in front of that place!

It's total immersion
over there, Mike.

They have toured Esteban
everywhere, and all we've done

is work, eat dinner, and sit
and watch "The Bachelor."

No wonder he's so sullen.

We haven't done anything fun
with him.

In our defense, we don't do
anything fun with our own kids.

You know what we are? We're lazy.
Lazy, lazy ambassadors.

God, what was I thinking?
Breakfast from the toaster.

No wonder he just stared at me.
That's what you give us.

Yeah, but you're
from here already.

Your body's used to junk.
Actually rice is the main staple
of the Japanese breakfast.

How long you been sittin'
on that one, Brick?

Look, we gotta
put in some effort,

show him a fun time.

We need Americana...

Fall foliage, candle making,

old-timey train rides,

meat on sticks!

We're taking him
to Brown County!

So, Takayuki, you're
gonna love brown county.

Look at this.

"Visit our replica
of a real pioneer village

"from days of yore,
where we churn butter

"and sew cozies for just about

any small major appliance
you can think of."

Wow, huh?

Yes. Wow.

Dad, is there
a rest stop coming up?

I have to go,
if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I think
I can crack that code.

There's a sports bar
in about 10 miles.

You can do your business,
and I can catch

some of the colts game.
It's a win-win.

This is great, Takayuki.

We're having
some good old American fun...

Some fun you can tell
your whole country about.

Classic. You're lucky
you get to leave in a week.

This is my life.

This is just a temporary setback.

See, we've got warning lights
going off in our car

all the time. Usually it doesn't
mean anything, but...

I guess this time it did.
It was Mike's turn to check.

Mom, I really have to go.

The tow truck guy will
be here in a couple hours.

Says the game's too exciting
to leave now.

No! Oh, my God.
It's getting really bad.

Boo-yah!
That's what you get

- for messing with the Ax-man's pillow. Mm!
- What?

Yeah. Yeah.

Remember that aspirin I gave you
earlier when your braces hurt?

It was one of mom's speedy-lax.

Boo-yah! Uhh!

Are you crazy?!
What... I... Mom, help!

Axl! Sorry, honey.
I-I don't know what to tell ya.

If it's really that bad,
you'll have to use the ditch.

What?! I can't go
in a...

Axl!
You are in big trouble!

Told you
to get along with your sister,

and... You know what?
I want my $20 back. Now!

No way! The $20 was
to come on the trip.

The $10 earlier...
That was to be nice to Sue.

What? I only got $5!
No fair! It's not... ooh.

- What's this about?
- Mom's paying us.

- She is?
- Frankie.

- Okay, look...
- You're seriously paying our kids
to do things

- they should be doing in the first place?
- Not everybody.

Let me explain.

I'll give you
30 bucks not to have this fight

right now in front of Takayuki.
What is with you?
You've been nuts ever since he got here.

I knew this was a mistake,

- but, no, you just had to have this kid.
- Are you talking about me?

No. Once we knew you were coming, we were happy about it.
I just wanted to impress Takayuki

by showing him
what a great family we are!

Axl, I am going to kill you!

He took a picture of me going!
It's just her head...

Ooh! But when I explain
it on Facebook,

- everybody's gonna get it.
- Give me that phone!

No!
- Seriously. Let it go!
- Here. I...

- Hey! Don't you touch my cell phone!
- Give it to me!

- Give me the phone. Give me the phone!
- We are ambassadors!
- Ambassadors don't sit in the way back.

Why don't you just
pay 'em, Frankie?

I got money!

Who likes money?

Well, congratulations,
Takayuki!

You wanted to see America?

You're seeing it.
This is an American family.

Yeah, we yell and fight,
we eat bad food,

- we watch too much TV, and we bribe our kids.
- Not all of them.

Give it a rest, Brick.

Maybe you're horrified
by all of this.

Or maybe you're not.
I don't know. Who can tell?

I'm just... I'm done.
So just go on.

Go back to Japan
and file your report

and tell 'em all
what crappy ambassadors we are.

I can fix car?

What?

Yes. I can fix car.

You can fix car?

Yes. I can fix car.

He can fix car!

I know you're not much
of a hugger, Takayuki,

but you're gettin' one anyway!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

We never got to Brown county,
but the rest

of Takayuki's visit
just flew by.

Turns out,
he liked to fix stuff.

Fixed our lawn mower,
the toaster,

put batteries
in the smoke detectors,

and it turns out we did have
picture-in-picture on the TV.

Ooh.

In the end,
I think he had a good time.

I think.

I don't know.

The point is,
he enriched our lives.

and I'd like to think
we enriched his.

Zubon wo hake.

Wakatteru yo.
Urusaina.

Urusaina.