The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Diaper Incident - full transcript

Out here
in the middle, men live

by an unspoken code. You shake,
not hug. You never pay

to have something done you can
do yourself, and you don't go

to the doctor unless...
Well, you don't go to the doctor.
I'm not going to the doctor.

Come on. Just go in
for a physical.

Look, they're raising
our deductible next month,

So if you're gonna get
a horrible disease,

get it now while it's still cheap.
Hey, if something comes along,
I can take care of it myself.

Mike's school of medicine
was not the same as mine.

My heart just stopped.

Oh, there it goes.



When did this mole get here?

Shoulder popped out again.

Aah! That's better.

Mike, you can't
just slap duct tape

On everything anymore.
You're getting older.

You go have regular checkups.
I get 'em.

Yeah, but you've got all
that lady stuff going on.

Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything,
but you creak. I creak?

And Dr. Oz says,
men age faster.

And that salt and pepper
you got there...

- Gettin' heavy on the salt.
- 'Cause I don't goop on color with a plastic glove

and a squirt bottle
like some people.

Oh, please. I take
way better care of myself.

People say I look
ten years younger than you.



What people?

Your sister,
when you're talking about

How young and skinny
you both still are?

Whatever, Mike. You're gettin'
a physical. End of story.

I don't need you dyin' early
and stickin' me with the kids.

Mrs. Heck!

Looking beautiful, as always.

Did ya hear that, Mike?
He just... Never mind.

- So what are you boys up to?
- We're gettin' our school on.

We got this humongous science project.

It's worth, like, half our grade,

- So I'm not gonna be able to do any chores this week.
- Mm, we'll try to get by.

Little Brickster!

Always a pleasure to see you.

You want a candy bar?
Here. I got another one.

Oh, I wish I could, but I
don't wanna break the law.

What do you mean? It's not
illegal for you to eat candy.

But my mom said...

Oh, yeah.

- Can I get this?
- Put that down, Brick.

- Why?
- Because the, uh...

The president
outlawed candy for kids under 10.

You lied to me?
My own mother lied to me?

Listen, Brick, here's the thing...

Do you know how many letters
wrote to the president?

He probably thinks I'm crazy!
Crazy.

Wait. You lied,
but your hair didn't fall out.

Is that a lie, too?!

Join the club.
She once told me

Kids who talk during "wheel of fortune" go blind.
Brick, come on. I'm sorry.

Mom, you said you'd drive me
to babysitting.

She says a lot of things!

Sean.

If you have an older brother,

You're eventually gonna develop
a crush on one of his friends.

For Sue,
it happened this summer.

- I'm heading out. I could give you a lift on my way home.
- Let's go. I'll ride in the front seat.

Unless you need to put
your books in the front seat...

And then
I'll ride in the back seat.

O-or I'll just wing it.

If anyone needs me,
I'll be in Sean's car.

I'm trying to schedule
a physic for my husband.

No, you won't have
any record of him.

Just start a new file
called "Mike."

Tuesday? Great. Thanks.

Brick, what are you doing?

I've been making this face
for an hour, and guess what?

It didn't stick that way.

Hello?

I got a situation here.

Yeah. What's wrong, Sue?
What else have you lied about, mom? What else?

Wait. Who's talking?
Did Sean come back?

- No. What's up?
- Well, if he does, tell him I say hi.

Anyway, the Markleys didn't
leave me any diapers.

Could you run out to the store
and get me some?

Oh, he's already double-loaded,

And if it leaks, it'll ruin
my cross-country sweatshirt.

Right now?

'cause I'm really busy
mopping up and...

Maybe I was
gonna mop. You don't know.

Excuse me. Can you tell me where
the diapers are? Over here.

Oh, great. Thanks.

I-I really appreciate it.
I'm... I'm in kind of a big...

Here you go.

Uh, my grandma likes these.

You're probably a small.

Okay, wait.

You think I need diapers?

Oh, this is just...

Oh, my God.
How old do you think I am?

Is it okay
if don't answer that?

Look, I might sneeze-pee
once in a while,

But I don't need diapers.
Do you see any gray there?

- No! That's 100% chestnut brown.
- That's over in aisle 12.

I mean, come on.

These are for...

Geriatric bladder control.

Do I look geriatric?

I could easily have a baby.

I choose not to.

These are
for old, creaky people

Who are way older than me.

Not you.
I'm sorry.
I-I'm a little flustered.

I have a daughter
with a dripping baby.

I understand.
I'm a grandma, too.

I'm not a grandma!

Just take me to the diapers...

For babies.

Which I could have!

It's so embarrassing.

All right.
So that's it then?

I look like some granny now?
I need to call my sister.

Mm. You don't. You've got me...

And I am here to tell you that
you are a vibrant young woman

Full of life and beauty.
Blah, blah, blah.

Don't take my word for it.
See for yourself.

Who is this beautiful lady from
just last Tuesday?

Ohh, and this one, with
sunlight dappled on her face?

And this lovely lass eating
a doughnut by the copy machine?

- Wow. Bob, you have a lot of pictures of me.
- Not just you.

Here's Mike.

The kids.

Ohh. Your house at night.
So full of slumbering peace.

Wanna see it at Christmas?

No, thanks, Bob.

It's eating my eyes. Kill it!
Head, meet bullet. Ka-bam!

Ka-pow!

Mr. Heck,
how are you, sir?

Great, Sean. Axel, I thought
you had a big school project.

Why don't you stop wasting time and get to work?
Ho-ho! For your information, we are working.

Our experiment is on
the effects of video games

On the teenage brain.

First, we play 36 hours of mutant road rage...

And then we watch
a 10-hour "Wipeout" marathon

And see how much of it we can remember. We even got a log.
And your teacher signed off on this "experiment"?

Oh, yeah. Coach is
totally cool with it.

Some other kids are studying
the effects of music

On coma patients.
Losers!

Hey, professor,
you got a little bean dip

On your log there.

I'll get it! Oh. Hi, Sean.

Hi, Carly.
What are you doing here?

I didn't want to tell anybody,

Because I thought
it was just a one-way crush,

But then he gave me a ride to
babysitting "on his way home."

It wasn't on his way home.

He lives on the corner,

And I was going
to Pondview Drive.

That's two extra stop signs.

And remember you tripped
into that fire hydrant,

And he said,

"you're bleeding pretty bad.
You want me to get your mom?"

Do you
really think he likes me?

There's only one way
to find out.

We should get these cookies.

Yes.

And we should get
those marbles, too.

Okay.

Just be cool.

Hey.

Shh!

Hey.

Getting a snack?

Oh, yeah.
Pay attention! Look at...

"Getting a snack?"
you are way on his radar.

But he ignored me at first.

What does that mean?

My parents ignore
each other all the time.

Oh, my God!
You're totally getting married!

Ohh!

I was starting to feel
a little better.

Bob was right.

Beer, frosting... Show me
an old person's digestion

That can handle this.

Hello, mother.

I just took a walk
around the block with wet hair

And swallowed
a watermelon seed at lunch.

Pneumonia? No.

Watermelon growing
in my belly? No.

Quite the tangled web,
isn't it?

Tangled web.

Yeah, but that pneumonia thing
is real!

You just got lucky.

Hey, where's my "Oprah"?

Axel, what'd you do to the TV?

Aah! Oh, come on.

Hey. Just got back
from my physical and guess what?

No creaks. No leaks.
No nothin'.

Picture of perfect health.

That's awesome.

First, adult diapers,
and now I throw out my back

Plugging something in.

No amount of frosting
in the world

Can save me now.

It'd been days,
and my back wasn't any better.

I still hadn't told Mike.
I don't know why. Yes, I do.

The man never goes to the doctor
and still has perfect health.

I'm sorry,
but that's just rude.

A plugging-in injury.

Is that who I am now...

A person
who can't plug things in?

And then he takes me
to the adult diapers.

I mean, come on. Look at me.
I could have babies.

I could get pregnant right now.

Oh, turn left.

Guess what, mom? Rode home
with a stranger today.

Perfectly fine.

Brick, come here. We have
to talk. Brick!

Aah!

Come to me! Come to me!

Everyone needs a friend
who will stop you

When you're about to make
a huge mistake.

Carly was not that friend.
Sean is gonna love this poem.

It's, like,
the most romantic thing ever.

Really? Did you notice how
I used three different inks

To express
my three different feelings?

I wrote it last month, but I got
too nervous to give it to him.

Are you kidding? "Emotions
glinting off my braces

like the work of a Bedazzler."

He will love this.

I don't know.
Is it too crazy?

- We are living in the age of girl power.
- You're right.

I am a woman
of the 21st century,

And I am gonna give it to him.

Oh, my God.
I'm about to give it to him.

Oh! I just got the key
to the machete cabinet.

God, I love homework.

Sean...
Aah!

Um, can I see you in the...

Hola.

Oh, my God.
My ex-boyfriend.

Brad, what are you doing here?

My tap class is just
down the street,

So I thought I'd stop by
to pick up my colander.

I left it here
when I took your family

- On that magical pasta tour of Italy.
- Hold on.

My ex-BF
And my future BF.

In the same room?
This is not good.

What am I gonna do?
We have to be smart about this.

5.
1-2-3-4-5.

Blue.
B-l-u-e.

3.

Hey, Brad.

Look at you...

Tap dancing on my porch
where the neighbors can see.

Hi, Mr. Heck.

Just keeping my thighs hot
while Sue grabs my colander.

I have no idea what that means,
but why don't you wait inside?

Okay.

Sue, Brad's in the living room.

Okay!

What are you doing?

Oh, nothin'. I was just
lookin' for a button.

Oh! There it is.

Oh. It's a corn flake.

Hey, today's our anniversary.

What? Really?

Yeah. I forgot, too, but Bob
sent us a card. That's nice.

And weird. Hey, why don't
you put on some heels,

And I'll take you out
to a nice dinner?

Oh...
I don't need a fancy dinner.

I'm still enjoying
this carpet remnant

You got me last year.
But I got a coupon.

I'll even let you get
what you want,

And I'll get something
of equal or lesser value.

Let's just float it
to next month.

It's getting late,
and I gotta find this button.

Come on. It's our anniversary.
I just got a clean bill of health.

Maybe we'll even head home early
for a little dessert.

Oh, God. I hope
he's talking about ice cream.

Brad and Sean are out there
together.

God,
how did I mess everything up?

I hope
they don't fight over me.

Sean would kill him!
He plays football.

Yeah, but Brad's
pretty tough, too.

He's been taking movement classes.

I was in a rush, so I just
grabbed it myself,

But come see me in

"Bring In 'da Noise,
Bring In 'da Funk."

Matinees... Saturday, Sunday.
Mondays we're dark. Toodles.

Oh, my God. I feel so bad.
He's devastated.

So I decided to tough it out and hope a warm bath...
Come on. Aah!

Would loosen up
my plugging-in injury.

I know, I know.
I should've just told him.

Don't judge.

Uh, hello. I'm in here.

Oh, sorry.

No, I meant, go to
your own bathroom, Brick.

Hey, you know, wait a minute.
My water's a little cold.

- I need you to turn on the hot water for me.
- Why can't you do it?

Well, you see, uh...
here's the thing, Brick.

I kinda hurt my back

L-lifting something
very heavy.

But you guys always say
I'm not old enough

To use the hot water by myself.

You're plenty old enough.
Go ahead. Give it a spin.

Yep. That's enough.
You can turn it off.

N-no. Ow. Ow.
The... the other way.

Which way?

To the right.
My right or the knob's right?

Who cares about
the knob's right?

Your right! Ow!
You're boiling me alive!

Aah!

I don't think
I can do this anymore.

Brad's heartbroken.

Sean's from, like,
a really prominent family.

I can't handle a love triangle.

I'm not a Kardashian.

We could use some
of their wisdom right now.

Worst of all, it's made me
take my eye off the ball,

Which is cross-country.

There's
only one thing to do here.

I gotta tell Sean
it's not gonna work.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey!
It won't turn off!

I don't know what I'm doing, and I still have to pee!
No! Righty tighty, Brick! Aah!

And stop yelling at me!

I don't know how you guys
do that every day

Hey, Brick.

You know, we don't have
to mention this to dad.

What, that you let me
use hot water,

- When I'm clearly not ready?
- No, I mean, he doesn't need to know I hurt my back.

More lies, mom?
Where does it end with you?

You tell me not to lie,
then you do it.

Okay, Brick, here's the thing.

Lying is absolutely 100% bad.

It's just that
sometimes you do it

To protect people
that you care about.

Like when somebody gets
a bad haircut,

You still say,
"Nice haircut."

Well, if you didn't want
me to get a candy bar,

Why couldn't you just say no?

But why not? But why not?
But why not?

But why not? But why not?

It's just,

Sometimes a little lie
makes life easier.

You get it?

Whoa. Why aren't you ready?
What's going on?

Why is all this water
on the floor?

I found a spider
under the porch.

It was a golden silk orb weaver,

So I brought it in to show mom,

But I accidentally
dropped it in the tub,

And she freaked out,

So I tried to get it out
before it drowned,

But it was too late,
so I flushed it,

Which means if you want
to see it, now you can't,

Because it's gone. Nice haircut. I didn't know
whether to be impressed or horrified.

My son had lied for me.
I was in the clear.

Except I forgot one
little thing. Brick had a tell.

I'm lying.

Now that
video games are homework,

They're not as much fun anymore.

Yeah. I need to eat.
I'm getting dizzy.

Yeah. Yeah, let's hit
the drive-through.

I want a hamburger
and, uh... Those things.

French fries.

No, but we should
get those, too.

I should write this down.

Yeah.

Hey. We're going out to
get food. Do you wanna come?

I want to, Sean.
I really do.

But my life is way
too complicated right now.

I think I really need to
just focus on cross-country,

And I hope
you can understand that.

The timing is just all wrong.

Isn't that always the case?

So... I guess
what I'm saying is,

I'm sorry, Sean,
but I can't go with you.

We'll bring you back
some nuggets. Later.

That was the hardest thing
I have ever done.

I'm gonna try
and watch "Eclipse"

And get my mind off it,

But I don't think
it's gonna work.

Hey, what's this?
Some kind of a poem.

Pfft.

"Feelings so strong,
They can't be wrong..."

"Like a butterfly and a dove
Riding on a rainbow of love."

Everyone needs a friend
who will stop you

When you're about to make
a huge mistake.

Carly was not that friend,

But Axel was.

Oh, that's mine.

Just, uh, toolin' around
with some lyrics

For a song, y-you know.

Axel saving Sue?

I guess video games did
addle his brain.

You dot your I's with hearts?

Th-those are butts.

You said you'd be dressed
a half-hour ago.

What's the hold-up?

I can't get out.

I hurt my back
plugging something in,

And I didn't want to tell you,

Because I didn't want you
to think I was old and pathetic,

And look at me.
I can't get out of the tub.

I tried, and the whole
curtain came down.

Have you been drinking wine
in the tub again?

Mike, somebody thought
I needed diapers.

Can you believe that?

I always thought that
we would grow old together,

But I'm way ahead of you!

I don't care
what Dr. Oz says.

Women absorb all the stress
in marriage.

Just ask Mrs. Dr. Oz!

Do you even know
the family's whole schedule...

That Sue has cross-country

From 3:00 to 5:00

And that Brick has
the bookmobile

Every Saturday at 11:00?

It takes a toll, Mike!

I didn't ever remember
our anniversary.

Back, brain, bladder...

That's how it goes.

Okay.

Grab onto somethin'.

Ow.

Just go find a new wife.
Be happy.

Don't worry about me.

I'll just be here,
falling apart before my time.

Just do me a favor.
Plug everything in before you go.

Stop it, Frankie.

Yeah. Look at...
look at my feet!

I have the feet
of a 90-year-old woman!

You're just pruny
from the water.

You're not falling apart.

Oh, yeah, says the man
in perfect health

Who's carrying me
like a fireman in his prime!

I don't have perfect health.

Yes, you do.
You said you did.

No, no.

My cholesterol's high.
I didn't want to tell you.

A little or a lot?

- A lot.
- Really? We're both falling apart?

Yep. Happy anniversary.

If I could move, I'd kiss you.

Mmm.

I love you.

Now get me a heating pad
and the remote

And don't touch me for a month.

It actually turned out to be

One of our
best anniversaries ever.

We laid in bed, ate pizza,

And watched
"when Harry met Sally."

And then a couple of days
on a heating pad later...

You feelin' better, mom?
You about ready to get up?

I think
I'm gonna need another day.

My back's still hurting
pretty bad.

I'm lying.