The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Middle - full transcript

(Crows cawing)

There's lots of different ways
to make friends.

Sometimes they live
across the street.

Sometimes you share
a dorm room, and sometimes

the school counselor
makes you participate

in a social skills group
every Wednesday at 2:00.

(Stilted voice) I like flying kites.
(Stilted voice) I like flying kites also.

We should fly kites together
sometime.

I would like that very much.
Till then, friend.

Very good, boys.

Now, parents,
today is a big day here.



Some of our members have made
great progress and are...

(Singsongy) Moving ahead
to the yellow group.

(Normal voice)
Zack, congratulations.

(Imitates cat meowing)

Also moving ahead are
Sam, Ben, Robbie, and... Jake.

Great job, guys. This concludes
our social skills pageant.

Hi, Mrs. tompkins.

We were just wondering...
how do I put this?

Why'd everyone except Brick
get moved up? (Sighs)

What? What other question
could we possibly have?

Listen, I would love
to move Brick ahead.

I really would.
It's just that he hasn't...

Progressed
as much as the other kids.

Really? 'Cause maybe
it's just me,



but I thought he nailed
that kite conversation.

Did you get my e-mail
about how vital it is

that parents play
and interact with them at home?

Oh! Are you kidding? Oh,
we play with him all the time.

Mom! Your turn!

Roll for me.

7!

You made it
into the safety zone!

Whoo! This thing
is really heating up now.

We... you know, got... busy.

But it really is important.

It'd just be a shame if
he missed out on his childhood.

♪

♪ that's why you run to me ♪

♪ ah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Dudes! This is the greatest
rock song ever written!

We can't keep it
to ourselves, though.

We gotta get it on YouTube,
share it with the world!

All we need is a hot girl
to star in our video. Yeah.

No, a hot woman so it doesn't
look like an amateur thing.

How about my mom?

Darrin. Gross. You haven't seen her lately.
She lost, like, 14 pounds.

Or we could try and erase
that image from our brains

and ask someone like our
biology teacher, Ms. Devereaux.

Oh, man. She is so hot.
You think she'd do it?

Why not? I'm sure
she'd dig being famous,

plus she could probably
use the cash.

I mean, what do teacher's make,
100, 200 grand tops? (Door opens)

Mr. heck, Mrs. heck!
How you doing, little Brickster?

I've already done my social time
for today. Thanks.

You see? This is why
he didn't move up.

We dropped the ball.
He didn't learn to play.

He can't make friends.
He's gonna miss his childhood,

and it's all our fault.

Let's just take a step back
a second.

Is childhood really that great?

(Lowered voice) Dad!
May I have a word with you?

Privately?

Sure.

Please sit down.

Okay.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)
Can I go to...

no. You don't even
know what it is.

Well, if you're asking me,
that means your mom

must have already said no, so... no.
Can you at least hear the question?

Sure. Sorry.

I want to see
an "r"-rated movie.

No.

Dad! (Whiny voice) Please.

There are a ton of reasons why

I should be allowed
to see this movie.

Just hear me out.

Number one... "I am very mature
and have exhibited maturity

"in other aspects of my life,
making me prepared

"to watch mature situations
and adult themes.

"Number two...
it stars my favorite actor,

Taylor Lautner."

I-I-I'll skip down a bit.

Uh, 27...

honey, you're not 17.
It's against the law.

Just take my list.
Peruse it at your leisure.

Sue, it's not happenin'.

It doesn't matter if you have
a hundred reasons why.

Oh. Look at that. You do.

Mike may not have been worried,
but I was.

Brick was not gonna miss out
on his childhood,

not on my watch.

Not your thing? That's cool.
How about, uh... hey.

How about some pogo stick?

Huh? Look. Whoo!

No? Okay? Well, what else?
Um...

Ooh. How about we do
some skipping?

That's fun and childhood-y.
We gotta love skipping. Huh?

Can we just go inside?

No. We're not going in
till you act like a kid,

and if I were you, I'd get
started. Oh, this is fun.

You know what? This is fun.
I forgot how much fun it was.

Okay, you know what?
You watch me first,

and then I'll catch you
on the next lap, okay?

(School bell rings)

(Indistinct conversations)

Ms. d.?

You've seen music videos,
right?

Yes, I have.

That's good. Well,
you know how there's always

a beautiful woman in them?

You mean the one they exploit
by using her

as scantily clad eye candy?
Sure. What's your question?

Uh... we were wondering if
we could... write a paper

about how that's bad.

Well, I'm sure you could,
but this is biology.

(Axl) Right.

(Chuckles) Probably ask
our English teacher.

Yeah.

Thank you for your time.

Okay.

I'm telling you, Mike,
I don't know why

we ever quit skipping.
It was like

our main mode of transportation
in the third grade,

and then for some reason,
we all just stopped,

and you know why?
'Cause society says

that adults shouldn't skip.
Crazy, right?

I don't know. I'm kinda
with society on this one.

You have to try it.
It's amazing.

I mean, sure, you look like
an idiot when you're doing it,

but you don't care
because you're skipping.

And it really clears your head.
I was thinking about Brick when

I was skipping, and I had
this epiphany. We know our son

better than anybody,
so why should we let someone

who spends an hour a week
with him tell us what he needs

or doesn't need? Yeah.
He's been going there a year,

and all he's got is
"I like kites"?

Same me the $10 co-pay.
He can like kites for free.

Right? Our son is happy.
He's content.

That's why he doesn't try
to make friends...

'cause he doesn't want them.

So I'm not gonna make myself
nuts about all of this.

When Brick tells me
he wants a friend,

then I'll know
there's a real issue.

Mom, dad, I think
I might want a friend.

You know what I like.
Let me know when you find him.

And back to me.

Ugh!

I'm going out for a skip.

The next day,
Axl and the Axmen

decided even if Ms. Devereaux
shot 'em down,

there was no reason
they couldn't still have

her star in the video.

They'd just have to do it without
her knowing. So at first,

I thought photosynthesis had
something to do with cameras,

but then I said, "come on,
ax man. This is biology.

Cameras weren't even invented
back then, and besides..."

You know what? I'll just
leave this one blank.

Ms. Devereaux, look out!

You have a giant spider
in your hair.

(Gasps) Ohh!

Did I get it?

Got it.

Axl and the Axmen
weren't the only ones

not taking "no" for an answer.

Sue and carly were coming up
with an ill-advised solution

to their problem, too.

(Loud, stilted voice)
This should be a good movie.

I'm so glad I got
the afternoon off work

from the chiropractor's office
where I work.

(Loud, stilted voice)
My work's been stressful, too.

I've got a big memo due
by the end of the month.

How is your coffee?

Good. How's your coffee?

Good.

Remember when we saw
"127 hours"?

I didn't think there was
enough sex and violence.

I could have used
more mature themes.

Yeah. I could have
totally handled it.

(Lowers voice) We're next.

Oh, my God.

I think the ticket taker's
looking at us.

My heart is racing!

(Man) Next!

(Deep voice) Two adult tickets

for "rivers of love," please.

(Whispering) Sue!

Your braces.

(Gasps)

Thank you.

Do you require anything else
from us at this time?

No.

Very well.

(Both squeal)

So Mike and I agreed
if Brick wanted a friend,

he should find one on his own.

But since that was never
gonna happen...

Hi there.

You look like a nice young boy.

Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!

No. Wait!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you two together?

No. I'm here by myself.

I have trouble making friends.

Do you now?

Hey. What are you doing?
Are you filming me?

(Axl) Oh, crap!

So she busted us. We still
got everything we needed.

Did we, Darrin?
The song's called "run to me,"

and what's the one thing we don't
have a shot of her doing? Showering?

We never got her running!

Ugh! I did not put almost
three hours of my life into this

to just walk away.

We've gotta come up with a plan
to save this.

First... let's take a break.

(Doorbell rings)
Okay, rock stars,

that's Brick's friend.
Everybody clear out. (Ring)

(Singsongy) That's for me.
That's my friend.

My friend's here!

Hi, Gerald. This is Brick.

Brick, this is Gerald.

I sure hope you're ready
to have fun, Gerald,

'cause we sure are.

Who's ready to make
their own gummy worms?

Yep. I was gonna pull out
every trick in the mom book.

I made tents...

I made snacks...

And I made sure
it only lasted 48 minutes

so Brick didn't lose interest.

Thanks for having me.
I had a great time.

Did you hear that, Brick?
He had a great time.

Are you sure I can't give you
something for the ride home?

How about a bag of marshmallows?
No, thanks. I'm full.

Oh, come on. I can't send you
home empty-handed.

Oh. Here's a dollar.

Okay.

Have your mom call
for another playdate.

(Sighs)

You were awesome!

I have a friend, mom!

I know!

I just don't get it.

It's been three days,
and Gerald hasn't called.

Three days.
After having a great time.

His words, by the way...
"a great time."

Well, maybe it wasn't as great
as you thought it was.

Oh, it was, too. I mean,
I pumped him full of sugar,

let him jump on the bed.
Laughed at all his stupid jokes.

I completely put out
for that playdate.

What's this?

"Rivers of love"?

That's the name of the movie Sue
wanted to see, but I said no.

Well, there's also a receipt
for coffee and scones,

so either Sue or a British woman
stole my sweater

and saw "rivers of love."

I can't believe it.
I can't believe she went

and saw that movie after we told her not to.
What should we do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna punish her.

How do I do that?
What?

I don't think we've ever
punished Sue, have we?

I don't think we have.
No, of course we have.

What about the time she clogged
the toilet with her Barbie?

No, that wasn't her, remember?

We thought it was her,
but it turned out to be Axl.

Didn't she make a bunch
of long distance phone calls

without asking?
Axl.

She broke the frame
on our wedding picture

and tried to hide it.

No, we thought she broke it,

but she was just getting it
reframed for our anniversary.

Right. That was thoughtful.
(Sighs) So thoughtful.

She really is a great kid.
Yeah.

But you know what?
She flat out disobeyed me.

I gotta go put the hammer down.

Her door's closed.
She's probably sleeping.

I'll put the hammer down
tomorrow.

Mom, did my friend call?

Oh. No, Brick, not yet.

But it's been four days.
Can we call him?

Brick, I told you.

We have to wait for him
to call us.

If we call, Gerald won't
think you're cool.

I think he knows I'm not.

(Sighs) Okay, sure.
Let's give him a call.

(Beeping)

Hi, dawn.
It's Brick's mom.

Well, just checking in

'cause the boys had such
a great time on their playdate.

Gerald's words...
"great time."

Yeah. And Brick's had
some other friends over

in the last few days,

but he keeps coming back
to Gerald

'cause he just really had
a connection.

So we were wondering
if Gerald would be interested

in coming over to play again.

Oh, he'd love to,
but he's... sick.

Oh! He's been sick.
Ah! (Mouths word)

Oh, all right. Well,
we'll try again another time.

Yeah, and tell him
we hope he gets better.

Okay. Bye.
(Beep)

(Sighs) He's been sick.

That's why he hasn't called
in the last few days.

Oh, well. You know what?

This kind of news
calls for ice cream.

I'll get my coat.

Sue, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

(Sighs) Your mom and I
found this ticket stub,

and we are very disappointed...

I'm sorry! (Sobbing)
I'm so sorry.

I should have listened to you.
You were right.

You were totally right!

I'm not ready to see
an "r"-rated movie!

They said and did weird things.

And then how could he sleep
with his wife

and then sleep with
his wife's sister the next day?

It was disgusting! And that's
not even the worst of it!

Mom's always telling me
to just put one pump of butter

on my popcorn,
but I put three pumps

'cause I thought
I could handle it!

But I couldn't, dad!
I couldn't handle it!

I threw up
on the theater floor.

Oh, God.
How could I ever doubt you?

(Sobbing)

Okay, well,
it seems like you realize

what you did was wrong,
but, Sue, you know,

there are consequences
to lying.

There should be
so many consequences!

Right... and so you are
grounded for a week. No tv.

No, that's not enough!
I defied you!

Oh. Okay. Well...

I'm taking your iPod, too.

And I lied about where I was.

Uh, how about... no phone?

I took mom's sweater
without asking!

(Sighs) I'm kinda running out
of things to take from you, Sue.

Well, sometimes after school,
I like to go over

to the soccer field and watch
the guy mow the lawn.

All right. You can't do that...
For two weeks.

Matter of fact,
that's kinda strange.

Why don't you stop doing that
altogether?

But wait. There's more!

Look at this!

(Sobbing)

Brick and I did it!

Oh, God! I just sold Brick
down the river!

What kind of a sister am I?!

I should be punished for not
supporting my brother!

I should be punished for
everything I ever did wrong

because you guys are
the best parents ever...

45 minutes later,

when Sue was finally done
punishing herself,

Mike was more than
a little stressed out.

So Gerald was sick, and we were
on top of the world.

But then something started
to nag at me.

His mom said,
"he's been... sick."

Why the pause?
Unless she was lying.

Unless the whole thing
was a lie

'cause he didn't wanna play
with my son.

There was only one way
to find out.

(Tires screech)

(Brakes squeal)

Sick, huh?

And I let you jump on my bed.

(Tires screech)

Is this the way
to the ice cream store?

It's a shortcut.

You're going kinda fast, mom.

Just read your book.
I know what I'm doing. (Crash)

Okay, take a good look at us,

'cause once this video drops,
you're gonna have to fight

through bouncers just to touch us.
(Click)

♪ One, two, three,
you know you want me ♪

♪ you know you need me ♪

♪ you'll even bleed for me,
can't get enough of me ♪

♪ you are so into me ♪

♪ you're such a hot hottie ♪

♪ you say we'll meet at 3 ♪

♪ that's why you run to me ♪

♪ that's why you run to me,
that's why you run to me ♪

♪ that's why you run to me,
that's why you run to me ♪

Oh, man.
Darrin, is that your mom?

Just watch. She does
some really nice work here.

♪ Run to me,
you are so into me ♪

♪ that's why you run to me,
uhh ♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Wh... no.

(Sighs) If we'd given her
time to put her spanx on

like she asked, this whole thing would
have worked. (School bell rings)

I am so sorry.

You should be.

You slammed right into me!

I said I was sorry.

Maybe I was just surprised

to see Gerald looking
so healthy.

Oh.
We were on our way to the...

Doctor. Really?
Why don't we pop the trunk

and you can explain why
there's rollerblades in there.

Oh, my God!
Have you been following us?

Don't try to make this
about me!

That was a cool car crash.

Yeah, pretty cool.

If you squint, the car now
sort of looks like

Starscream, the transformer.

I don't know transformers.

(Whispers) Transformers.

Really?

My grandma gave me a kite
with Starscream on it.

I like flying kites.

I like flying kites also.
Really?

We should fly kites
together sometime.

Okay, that'd be great.
This is my book.

Look, Gerald already had a playdate
planned with Theo. Interesting.

'Cause when I approached him
in the park the other day,

he was giving off a vibe

that he was very available
and interested.

Clearly, he was already committed to Theo.
But I like Brick, too!

You do?
Okay, then, if you like him,

then it seems like we
can get something going here.

Brick, get over here!
The problem wasn't Brick.

You sort of scared Gerald.

Okay. I hear that,
and I can change.

I can change that.
Brick!

But I'm talking to Arlo!

I said get over here now!

He likes flying kites.
He invited me over to his house.

He wants to be my friend.

Yeah, we don't have time
for that, Brick, but... wait.

He wants to be your friend?
Yep!

You made a friend
all by yourself?

So do you wanna try and set
something up for next week?

Nah. You know what?
I think we're good.

Mom, this is Arlo.

He likes kites and transformers
and guess what else?

And just like that,

Brick made his first friend...
Without me.

So we had one kid

who wasn't growing up too fast
after all...

Cool. Now I'll be my mom
and slam into your car.

Another who thought she was ready
to grow up but wasn't.

I thought you were
going to Carly's.

I'm grounding myself
for another week.

I just don't feel I've quite
learned my lesson.

If anyone calls, I'm not
allowed to use the phone.

And one who might never
grow up.

Hey, where are you going?

We found a different way
to get famous off YouTube.

We're gonna launch ourselves
off Darrin's garage. Lates.

(Door opens)

Personally, I don't get why

anybody would ever
wanna grow up.

Ow! Ooh! Cramp! (Groans)