The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 16 - Hecks on a Plane - full transcript

Everybody loves winter...

Till it goes on forever.

Then you get a little something
called the winter blahs.

I'm bored.

We all are.
Go over to the Donahues'.

Can't.
They just got a new car,

and they're all out
riding around in it.

How come we never get anything
good? I wish I was a donahue.

Me, too.

Me, too. Look, we all agree,
none of us want to be us,

but we're stuck being us,
so just climb on board.



Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God! I won!

I won a contest!

Now you may wonder why
we weren't more excited,

but, see, over the years,
Sue'd won a lot of contests.

I won a free mix-in
at the yogurt store. Aah!

Hundredth caller! K-102
morning zoo bumper sticker

Pickle lover's recipe book!

52 pickle recipes
with colored pictures!

I won a trip to New York!

Look, you guys. I won!
I really won!

You really won a trip
to New York?

I was at the orthodontist,

and in this travel magazine,
there was this little card

you had to fill out with
"I love..." Blank... "York"



and mail it in. I put "new,"
and I guess I was right. Whew.

So lucky. I was this close to saying "Michael.
" Oh, my God, Mike.

Airfare and hotel.
It's a trip for four to New York! Aah! Aah!

♪ We won a trip for four, we won a trip
for four ♪ give me that. Let me see.

♪ We won a trip for four ♪ hey!

Yeah!
Look at you! Nice going.

♪ We won a trip for four ♪

♪ we won a trip for four ♪

What's going on?

The four of us are going
to New York.

I told you, we never should've
had the extra kid.

Odd numbers are always trouble.
Well, what are we gonna do? Should we leave Brick here?

He'll probably
just have his nose stuck in a book

the whole time anyway,
and is he really old enough

to appreciate it? Good night, mom.
Good night, dad. I love you guys.

Oh, he's good.

And he has ears
like a bat, apparently.

Look, Frankie, you should
just take the kids.

I'll stay here. You would be
taking the kids, right?

Mike, you have to go.
Listen, we all have to go.

I mean, do you realize
how lucky we are to have won?

The Donahues might have
a new car,

but the hecks won
four tickets to New York.

Well, if we were really lucky,
we'd have won five.

Okay, we can think
of this as a problem,

or we can think of it as a probletunity.
Probletunity?

It's good, right?

We just have to get creative.

We can get an extra ticket on
one of those discount web sites.

I mean, sure, we might have
to fly at an inconvenient time,

but you can save a lot
of money.

It's 6:00! We overslept!
We're gonna miss our flight!

The cushion is gone, people!

It's gone! No pooping!
No shower! The cushion's gone!

Damn it!

Go, go, go, go!

Come on. You heard your mother!
Go, go, go! Axl!

Ohh.
Where's your orange shirt?!

You're supposed to be
wearing orange! Oh!

We're all wearing orange, so nobody gets lost.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Mike! Yeah, I'm not
doing that either.

Oh, thank God I was so excited
I slept in my clothes.

Oh, no. Woofy dog!

Suitcase, I.D., purse, phones.
Okay. Come on, people!

Car, car, car!
Let's go, go, go, go, go!

Where's Brick?!

Right here. Oh. Okay. We can make it!
Go, go! Come on! Come on!

We're gonna make it!
We're gonna make it!

Out the door. Out the door.
Out the door. Whoo!

New York City, here we come!

I can't believe I got bumped
up to first class.

Sweet! You didn't get the upgrade!
If anyone got the upgrade, it's me.

Pfft. Please.
Just being allowed to travel

with the humans is an upgrade
for you. I thought they were

gonna make us check you
with the rest of the pets.

Oh, yeah! Ax-man's
already swinging at 8:00 A.M.

Cool it, ax-man. Everyone will
get their chance in first class.

Where's Brick?!
Right here.

Okay, you know,
I'm tired, and you wander,

so put this on.

Okay.

Ohh. All right.

Ma'am, you're gonna need
to check that bag.

Oh, no. No. That's okay.
No, thanks.

We're not checking any bags.
We're just carrying on.

Ma'am, if it won't fit through
the screener...

You're gonna have to check
that bag.

For $2a bag, it'll fit.
Uh... ma'am.

Make it...
Make it...

You know what?

It'll fit.

I just gotta rearrange
a few things.

Ay. Okay.

Hey, everybody,
put some clothes on. Come on.

Just shut the suitcase! Mom, shut the bag!
Put some clothes on! Just put some clothes on.

I'm already sweating. This is ridiculous.
Come on. Right now. Put 'em on. Do it quick.

Put the clothes on.
Get 'em on. Okay!

Here. Take the jacket. Get '.

Whoo! Did it!
I did it.

Suck it, security lady.
I made it fit!

I did not know
you were not allowed

to say "suck it" in security.

That must be one
of those new t.S.A. Rules.

Sir, do you have
any electronics in your bag...

camera, portable DVD player,
iPod, iPad, laptop?

My wife's wearing 3 coats
to save $25.

What do you think?

Oh. We made it.

We made it. Ohh.

Now our trip begins.
Now the fun starts.

Where's Brick?!

I'm right here.

Well, this is my stop.
Later, cattle.

Ohh. I'll have a chardonnay,
please. Thanks so much.

You will not have a chardonnay,

and when you're old enough to drink,
you will have a beer.

Oh, no. We aren't sitting together?
Oh, no.

That's not right. No, we should
all be together. I... mm.

Can everyone
please take their seats

so we can prepare
for takeoff?

Um, excuse me. We are
on a once-in-a-lifetime trip,

and our seats aren't together,

and who knows how many
family vacations we have left,

so, uh, ma'am, would you mind
taking a seat next

to this gentleman over here,
so we can sit with our children?

But I have an aisle, and that's a middle.
Okay, not a problem.

Is there anyone who's willing
to switch to take a middle seat?

Huh? Not a big deal, really.

We're all gonna get there
at the same time, right?

Sir, could you switch places
with her? You're a little guy.

You don't need all that legroom.
Uh, let's see, and then, yeah,

if you two could just scootch over
one toward the window...

Sir, then if you could take the aisle seat? Thanks.
Excuse me. I had an aisle before. I would like the aisle.

Everybody's happy. We don't
need to keep switching seats.

Okay. Great.

We made it.
H! We made it Mike.

New York, here we come! Whoo!

Mom, can you hand me the snack bag?
Snack bag?

You forgot the snack bag?!

Let's not point fingers.
Well, can I at least have my books?

Uh, you were in charge of
bringing 'em. Where are they?

My books! I can't make it
through a whole plane ride

without books! We gotta turn
the plane around.

Shush. I'm trying
to hear the... thing.

Place the mask
over your nose and mouth...

What'd she say about oxygen?
Why doesn't it inflate?

Mike, nobody listens to the safety information.
Well, if something happens,

I would like to know
what I'm supposed to do.

Jeez, you're acting like
you've never flown b...

have you never flown before?

Would you be cool, please?

You've never, ever been
on a plane? Wow.

I can't believe
I never knew that.

Your dad's never flown before.
Frankie, I'm begging you, shush. Be cool?

I'm cool. I'm totally cool.
Okay. Thank you.

I hear we have a couple
of first-time flyers today.

Teddy Fishman's flying
with his grammy in 3a...

And Michael heck in seat 7c.

Stop by the cockpit, and we'll
give you boys your wings.

Oh, don't turn yet.

Okay, now.

Everything's pointing
to the priest.

What do you think?

Brick!

I don't have a book!

Can I read yours?

What? No!
Brick, this is my diary...

my most personal and innermost
thoughts and feelings.

Mom, I'm writing about
how excited I am

to see the statue of liberty.

I just love America so much.

Mnh.
We should've taken the car.

You can leave when you want. You
can bring liquids when you want.

If the kid's misbehaving
in the seat behind you,

you can reach back
and whack him.

You know, Mike,
it's okay to be scared.

I'm not scared. I'm just worried
that I left the back door open

when I took the trash out.
That's all.

Oh, don't change the subject.

You didn't leave
the back door open.

You know, Mike, being afraid
doesn't make you less of a man.

And being silent wouldn't
make you less of a woman.

Axl. Get up. It's my turn.

It's been more than 20 minutes.

On land maybe. You don't know
how long it's been up here.

A minute earth time is like
an hour in the sky.

Maybe you'll learn that
if you ever get to High School.

Oh, I mean dog school. Mom!
Axl won't switch with me, and it's my turn!

I don't know this person. Never
seen her before in my life.

No! Get up! Get up! Get up, get up, get up right now!
Axl, get up! It's your sister's turn!

No! No! Get away!
Get up! Aah!

No! Hey! Let go! Move!
Get up, get up, get up!

Axl!
Aah!

Knock it off!
You are embarrassing me! Move!

Mom! She's got the... stop! You know what?
Neither of you deserve first class.

Brick, come on up.
Your brother is coming up. What?

You two are back in coach!

Fine.

Oh, Axl!
This is all your fault!

It was supposed to be my turn, and
now I'm punished, too!

Why are you so mean to me
all the time?

I'm not mean to you.
Now move your knobby elbow.

Oh, my God!
You just did it again!

Do you have to insult me
every second?

I'm not insulting you.
I'm just stating facts.

Your elbow is knobby... fact.
Your hair is stringy... fact.

You can't do it, can you?
I'll bet you can't even go

24 hours without saying
something mean to me.

Yes, I can, and if you don't
think I can, you're an idiot.

Starting now.

Another cookie, sir?

Oh, I shouldn't...

But I will.

Okay, Brick. Mom says
it's my turn to be rich now.

But I finally have
something to read.

I need to read,
or I'm not gonna make it.

I'm not gonna make it
if I have to spend

another minute next to Axl
come on.

Hi.

Whatcha typing?

Axl, is that Sue's diary?

Give me that right now.
These are

Sue's personal and innermost
thoughts and feelings.

It says it right on the cover!

God.
There's nothing to do here!

Hey. What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Didn't you just tell Axl
not to do that?

I'm her mother, Mike,
and she's a 14-year-old girl.

It all starts now...
boys, breasts, bulimia,

all the "b" words.

It's our job to stay
on top of it.

Ohh. Oh, man.

Oh, no.

What?

"January 7th.
Went to school. Came home.

"Going to bed now. January 8th.
Where are my blue socks?

Can't find them anywhere.
Oh, well. Going to bed now."

This is the most
boring thing I've ever read.

So that's good, right?

"February 11th.
I hate lettuce.

February 18th. Mom served
lettuce again. Still hate it."

Well, the good news is,
she's not doing drugs.

The bad news is,
she's not doing anything!

Sorry about that, folks.

A winter storm is moving
down from Canada

and causing quite a bit
of turbulence.

We're gonna take this baby
higher,

see if we can't avoid that.

That's good. We're shaking
apart, so let's go higher.

So then in my 16th meet...
oh, well...

You're not gonna understand
what happened in the 16th meet,

unless I go back and explain
what happened in the 12th meet.

See, I was making great time,

but then I started choking on
my own hair. It was...

I think I see it.
Mike, it's New York!

Kids, look, we're here,
and it's snowing.

New York in the snow.
How lucky are we?

This is gonna be the best trip ever!

Sorry, folks. Looks like
the entire eastern seaboard

is socked in by the snowstorm.
We're gonna be circling

till they dig out the runway
and give us clearance to land.

Shouldn't be more
than a couple hours.

Okay, Mike,
try not to think about it.

Just put your seat back
and relax.

Oh, yeah. That's better.

I gotta get up.

Ohh. Mike.

You can't.

The "fasten seat belt" sign
is still on.

Frankie, you don't know
what it's like to be jammed

in that seat. Every seat is giant to you.
Look, just close your eyes and go to sleep.

I can't sleep. What if something happens?
So what if it does?

You're not flying the plane.
There's nothing you can do.

Oh, no. I have to be ready.
What if there's an emergency?

People look to tall people
in emergencies.

We're the lighthouses
of society.

No. You know what
this is about? Control.

You have to be in control. Oh, God.
When's "Oprah" finally going off the air again?

She did one episode
about control.

Actually it was about food,
but it still applies to this.

She said you need
to love yourself more

and don't have snacks
in the house.

I love myself plenty,
and I don't have control issues.

Really?

Dilated eyes are not a problem.

I'm perfectly fine to drive.

I... just tell me what
you want to watch,

and I'll change it for you.

This is nuts. I don't have
to be in control.

If there's a control freak
in this family, it's you.

What? Me?

You're gonna have to reach
pretty far back

to make that case.

We're all wearing orange,
so nobody gets lost.

If you two could just scootch over
one toward the window...

Sir, then if you could take
the aisle seat?

You think that's being
a control freak?

Do you? Do you, Mike?
'Cause it's not.

You know what that's called?
Being a mom.

I packed everyone's suitcases,

made the snacks,
checked the tickets,

made sure nobody gets lost,
and what do you do?

You take a shower, and you
waltz out the door.

But I have to dot,
because if I didn't,

this family would never
get anywhere!

I'm not in control
because I like to be.

I'm in control because I have to be.
Where are those snacks again?

Okay, you know what? I'm done.
No. That's it.

You wanna be in control? You're
in charge of the whole family.

I'm just a passenger. Mm-hmm.

A passenger who is going
to enjoy having someone

cater to her needs
in first class.

And in meet 30,
I really hit my stride.

Sue, get up.
Your shift's over.

But... but it seems like
I just got here.

You heard your mom.
Get up.

If you have a problem,
take it up with your dad.

He's in charge now.

I'm sorry.

I hope my family hasn't
been too disturbing.

Could you just take one picture
of me with the menu?

Thanks.
I won't bother you again.

Frankie. Frankie.

Huh?

I lost Brick.

It sounded like you said you lost Brick.
Yeah, I did.

You lost Brick? He's not in his
seat, and he's not in the bathroom.

I don't know where he is.
Did you look everywhere?

Yes, I looked everywhere.
Did you move stuff around?

Are you gonna help me or not?
All right, but he better not be on this plane,

'cause if I go back there
and find him,

You are in big trouble!

Brick!

Brick! See what happens
when I give up control?

You lose our son. Well, he's not lost.
He's got a luggage tag on his wrist.

They'll return him to the house eventually.
Hey, everybody. Hi.

Sorry to bother you, but we are
looking for a 9-year-old boy,

so if everybody could get up
and just look around you.

Found him.

Ohh! Okay.
Thanks, everybody. Never mind.

Found him. We're good.

I got this
from a sleeping woman.

It's about menopause,
but I don't even care.

Menopause.

Folks,
I appreciate your patience.

If you'll take your seats,

i have an announcement
about our landing.

Oh, finally!
New York, here we come!

Okay. I know we've been off
to a rocky start.

We've all been a little cranky,
but whoo-hoo!

Our vacation is about to begin.

Due to this nasty weather,
we're being diverted

to the closest airport that's
not snowed in... Pittsburgh...

Which, coincidentally,
is our featured city

in this month's "horizons."

Great. It took us
four times as long

to get halfway
where we needed to be.

Attention passengers
of flight 216.

Unfortunately, no further
flights will be leaving

for Laguardia today.

We do, however, have chartered
buses standing by outside

to drive you
to the greater New York area.

Did you hear that? How lucky
are we? Come on. Let's go!

Sue, not now!

Darn!

Frankie, wait a minute.
What are we doing?

What do you mean?
We're going to New York.

Let's hurry, so we can
get seats together.

Yeah, hold on. Hold on. We're
closer to Indiana at this point.

Maybe we should just go home.

What? Why?

Because this trip so far
has been a disaster,

and I don't feel like driving
for nine hours on a bus

into a snowstorm.

Well, you have to. We're lucky.
We were sitting on a couch,

wishing for something exciting
to happen, and it did!

We won this trip! And now you
just want to throw in the towel?

You wanna just go back home,
go back to that couch?

There's a whole big world
out there, Mike,

and you are missing it!

I circled over it for eight hours.
I've seen enough. Well, I haven't.

I am trying to build
memories for our family,

memories for our daughter,

so she has something to
write about besides lettuce!

You read my diary?!
Oh, we all have.

It's no menopause.

I'm with dad. This trip blows.
We should just go home.

I'm drained
from being nice to Sue.

Yes. Let's go home.
All my books are there.

So that's it?

I win a contest,

probably the biggest thing
to happen to me in my life...

And now we're just gonna...

gonna go home?

Wow.

Even when I win, I lose.

You know what?

I kinda want to go to New York.

Really?

Oh, Axl.

You were actually nice to me!

Touch me, and the deal is off.

Ohh. Brick?

"Horizons" says they have
a library there.

Mike?

Well...

Driving into a storm...

Sounds like something
we would do.

Let's go to New York!

Okay. We can dance on the bus.
Come on. Let's go! Okay!

I guess luck will
only get you to Pittsburgh.

It takes perseverance
and a little insanity

to get you all the way
to New York,

but once we got there,
even Mike was glad we went.

We saw everything... the empire state building...

The public library...

The statue of liberty.

It was great.
I mean, "give me your tired,

your poor,
your huddled masses"?

We're all those things.

But when it all comes
down to it,

we are a very lucky family...

lucky we have no money
to travel.