The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 14 - Valentines Day II - full transcript

Certain things
you can count on

for Valentine's day...
flowers, candy,

Mike ranting about
flowers and candy...

I'm just saying it's not a real
holiday. It's a scam cooked up

by the greeting card companies,
and everybody buys into it.

Some college kid
in an office building somewhere

is gonna write a card telling me
how I feel? I don't think so.

You don't have to
get me a card.

I'll get you your card.
And what about the flowers?

I got to bring flowers
just 'cause it's February 14th?

What if I want to
bring you flowers



on some other day of the year?
You don't need to bring me flowers.

Yeah, I'm gonna be
the one idiot in America

who doesn't bring his wife
flowers on Valentine's day.

Don't worry.
You'll get your flowers.

And while you're there, we need
vacuum bags and a new plunger.

Hey, Brick, you're slowing down.
Come on.

You got 30 kids in the class.
You got to keep moving.

Have you guys seen these things?
It's candy with words on it.

Candy and words?
Who thought of this?

Brick, we got to
sign your name to the card,

stick it in the envelope with
a couple of hearts, lick it.

Come on.
Brick, stick, lick, done.

When did they invent these?

"Be mine"...
so simple, yet so profound.



"Love ya"... genius!

Hey, Sue. You want to help Brick
with his valentines?

Sorry, mom.
I'm on my own project here,

and I've only got
four days left.

Valentine's day had started Sue
thinking about love

and the fact that she still
hadn't found the boy she shared

her first kiss with on
the church Halloween hayride.

Ironically, after the hayride,

the boy left before
the girl dressed like a crayon

could find something to
write down his name and number.

But that didn't stop Sue
from looking for him.

Thank you for coming.
Do you have a son?

Thank you for coming.
Do you have a son?

Oh. Excuse me, sir.
I'm taking a survey.

Uh, can I get
your address, kids' names,

and what they went dressed as for Halloween?
What's this for?

School.

And... the whales.

I just know
I'm gonna find him, carly.

I just have to up my search.
I wouldn't count on it.

If I kissed you, I'd probably
go into hiding, too.

Oh! Get in the unemployment
line, 'cause you just got axed!

Not the one
with the lion on it.

Whoa. What's the big deal
about this one?

"I like you,
and I'm not lion."

Someone spent four years
in college to come up with that.

That one's for autumn Wagner.

Ohh, so who's autumn Wagner?

She has pink lips
and can do three cartwheels...

In a row.

Well... no wonder she gets
the lion Valentine.

Come on. You heard your mom.
Brick, stick, lick, done.

Are you nuts?
I can't put my name on it.

Then she'll know I like her.

I'm gonna sign it, "love,"
and then a question mark.

Ohh, secret admirer.
Have I met her before?

You will tomorrow.
You signed up to do

the Valentine craft and
party, remember? What?

They also need you to bring
30 empty shoeboxes.

Well, I can't.

If you recall, your teacher
banned me from the classroom.

So, Mike, looks like you're up.

Oh, I'm gonna be busy
buying you flowers.

Nice try.

If I were you,

I'd start trolling
the dumpster behind shoe barn.

If you get there in the morning,
there aren't so many cats.

I got to tell you, being banned
wasn't all that bad.

I had the day off of work,
the house to myself,

and a backlog of Oprahs
waiting for me.

Hey, mom.
Axl.

What are you doing here?

I was just cleaning the cupboards.
It's a teacher in-service day.

Well, if y don't have school,
what are you doing out of bed?

Well, I was thinking maybe
you could take me to the mall.

You mean, like, drop you off?
Like... go inside.

T our standard deal of not
coming within 50 feet of you?

I'm allowing a one-time exception.
Oh, really? What's the occasion?

Well, I started dating
this chick Vanessa

a week before Valentine's day,

and now I'm on the hook to get
her a present. Rookie mistake.

And I was totally cracking
under the pressure,

but then I thought, "hey,
mom used to be a girl once.

Maybe she could help me
pick something out."

So you're... asking me
to do something with you?

Like, for real?

Oh, Axl.

Of course I'll go with you.

Mom? Do you want to
put some clothes on?

Oh, right.

Usually,
I'm telling you that!

How about this?

No? Um... this?

Maybe. Ohh...

God. Why is this so hard?

Shopping with my son...
he asked me.

It's okay.
We're gonna find something.

There's at least 12 other stores
in this mall for girls your age.

Yeah...
She's not exactly my age.

Well, whose age would she be?

Someone who's 19.

Okay. Well, does she
like butterflies?

Yeah! That could be sweet.
It'd match her tattoo.

Tattoo?

Well, I guess a lot of people
have tattoos these days, so...

So what, if she has a little butterfly?
It's sort of more like

a flock of 'em going from
her neck all the way down to...

maybe she'd like a scarf.
Girls like scarves.

Hey! Good call. You know,
that one would match her hair.

Oh, yeah?
So her hair's pink?

Not like one of those lame
people you see with pink hair.

It's like a ally cool pink.

You know? Well, the part that's not
shaved, I mean. Okay, look, Axl...

mom, I want to thank you again
for helping me out.

You're really saving me here.

Do you want to grab some lunch
at the food court?

Well, sure! I'm hungry.
I guess we could get something.

My son invited me to lunch.

Carnation for your Valentine?

Buy a carnation
for your Valentine!

So stupid for not getting
his number. I just thought

he'd be back at youth group
and I'd see him again.

Sue, it's been four months,
and you haven't found him.

I-m-h-o, I just think focusing
your energy on someone who may

or may not be real isn't helping
you find someone who... is real.

Oh, my God!
You think I made him up?

Maybe it was just
post-traumatic stress

from not being asked
to the Halloween dance.

That was pretty stressful.

And I did eat a lot
of sugar that night. Huh.

You really think
I could have made him up?

I'm usually not that creative.

Oh. Sorry.

I don't know.

Brick's dad. Should I use
pink glitter or purple?

Pink or purple?

Just... just... glue something...
Slap some glitter on it, and...

There are no wrong answers.

Brick's dad! Brick's dad!
I ran out of glue.

Well, you got plenty
on your hands there.

If you run out of that,
there's more on my shirt.

Hey! Look out, autumn!
Glue hands!

Ew! Gross, Dale!

I can't get
these scissors to work.

Oh, Brick. Cutting's
hard for you, isn't it?

Here, let me help you.

Hey. We don't get too many dads
in here. How you holding up?

Oh, you know, it's a good chance
to see the kids and everything.

It's a nightmare, isn't it?
I'm this close to pulling a fire alarm.

Which one's yours?

Autumn Wagner.

Oh, yeah? You know, I think
Brick's got a crush on her.

That's so cute!

Dad blabbed to autumn's mom
that I like autumn.

She told autumn, and now
everything's wrecked!

Oh, nothing's wrecked.

I'm done. Thanks a lot, dad.

There's no advice on a candy
heart that can fix this.

What? I was...
Making chitchat.

Since when do you
make chitchat?

I don't know. I... this mom
spoke to me, so I spoke back.

Ohh. Hang on.
Was it pilates mom?

I don't know.
She seemed fit.

What'd she look like? I don't know.
Uh, ponytail, green eyes.

You noticed the color
of her eyes?

What color are my eyes?

They change with the weather.

Wrong, Mike. Brown.
Always brown.

Rain, snow, sleet, or hail...
brown, brown, brown.

- She approached me. - Yeah, well, when
you go back to do the Valentine party,

just remember,
do your time, no chitchat.

Back?
What do you mean, back?

You only did the Valentine box.

Now you gotta do the Valentine delivery
for Valentine's day. Think.

I guess I didn't realize that
when I signed up.

Or it could be the fact
that I never signed up.

Well, maybe if I had
a ponytail and stretch pants,

you wouldn't be
giving me so much crap.

It was a jogging suit.
What am I wearing right now?

Your eyes are brown.

Uh, hi. I need to see you.

I thought you might.

Yeah, I'm a new student.

I just transferred here from
Bobby knight junior high...

ohh! You went to Bobby knight?
That totally makes sense!

It's outside of a 40-mile
search radius. What?

Nothing. Anyway, uh, I can't
find my Spanish class

and they said I should
come to the office.

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah.
I-I can show you to your class.

I work here in the office, so I
have an all-access hall pass.

I'm kind of a big deal.

I've seen the boiler room.

Hey, buddy.
Can we talk to you for a sec?

Listen, Brick, we know you
didn't want autumn to find out

that you liked her yet,
but this could be a good thing.

I had this whole plan.

First she learns
she has a secret admirer.

Then I share with her
the book that changed my life,

"diary of a wimpy kid."

Then, sometime in late may,
I sit down with her

in front of the computer
and show her my favorite logos.

This, of course,
leads to a discussion of fonts,

and then she's mine.

This is the plan I foiled?

Listen. In matters of the heart,
you can't make plans, honey.

No matter
how many plans we make,

there's always a surprise
or a curve in the road,

but sometimes they can lead to great things.
Right, Mike? Yep.

Like, when I started
dating your dad,

he took me
to this disgusting movie

where a guy
cuts the cop's ear off,

and I thought, "whoa,
what kind of person am I dating

who likes this horrible,
horrible movie?"

It could have ended
the whole deal right there.

But he was cute,
so I kept dating him...

hang on. Are you talking
about "Reservoir Dogs"?

You loved "Reservoir Dogs.
" No, I didn't. So here's the thing.

Even though you didn't want autumn to
know yet... you said you loved it.

Well, I didn't. So even though
it's not what you planned,

it's not the end of the world
or autumn, I promise you, okay?

I thought you were cool, because
you liked "Reservoir Dogs."

In fact, that's one of
the reasons I married you.

18 years and 3 kids, Mike.
It worked out.

You really didn't like
"Reservoir Dogs"?

What part of it
didn't you like?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe the gallons of blood.

That's what made it cool!

And there's my locker,

just in case you ever need...
Help or anything.

Oh, and there's
a Valentine's dance coming up.

I like Valentine's day,

but my favorite holiday
is Halloween.

So he wasn't picking up
on the hints,

but Sue figured it was okay.
She had time.

She was the only person
in the whole school he knew.

Well, here's your Spanish class.
And I just want you to know,

when you need someone,
I'm around,

'cause it can be hard to make
friends at a new school and...

hey, are you new?
You play basketball, right?

Hey, guys! This is the new guy
who plays basketball.

Come on! It's so cool...

Now that I'd been allowed to
spend a little time with Axl,

i was hooked. I wanted more.

Like stalking a deer
in the forest,

i was gonna have to
approach carefully

so as not to scare him off.

So... have you, uh,
thought about

where you're taking Vanessa
for dinner on Valentine's day?

I don't know.
Maybe that place downtown.

The one with the tablecloths.

Oh. Have you been there?
'Cause, you know,

you don't want any surprises
on Valentine's day.

Hey, here's an idea. What if you
and I went and checked it out?

We had a good time yesterday.
We should, uh, go out again.

Uh, I guess, if you're buying.

I'll be ready at 6:00.

I bet he just
doesn't recognize you.

I mean, you were wearing
a crayon costume,

and you haven't said
anything to him, either.

Yeah, you're right.

What if we went through
our whole lives

without saying anything?

We just loved each other
from afar.

It'd be like a classic tragedy.
Or a cw show.

Here he comes
with the popular group.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Excuse me? Hi.

Wait...

Are you all right?

I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to him.
That's okay.

For, like, ten seconds,
I was in the popular group.

How was it?

Awesome!

So we're in biology class...
Yeah.

And Ms. Devereaux turns on
the methane burner,

and I go, "whoa, who farted?"
And everybody laughs.

Axl, you are so funny.
Yeah. You know,

you've actually been pretty cool
about helping me with Vanessa.

Yeah, well...
I can be cool, you know.

Which you discovered
by spending time with me.

Yeah. You know, some people
look at a girl with pink hair

and five studs in her ear
and judge her a certain way.

Like, she absolutely
must have shoplifted

that watch and lip gloss.
Like, oh, yeah... there's no way

she could have put 'em
in a pocket as a joke

and forgot about 'em.
But would the cop listen? No.

Yeah, what do cops know?

We'll have the crème brûlée.
Two spoons.

So... I had a really
good time tonight.

Yeah. Me, too.
Free dinner... what up!

You know, you and I should
do something again tomorrow.

Uh, mom, tomorrow's
Valentine's day, remember?

Oh! Right. I forgot.

I should probably
do something with your dad.

You want to come in?

Yeah. We both live here,
remember?

Right.
Right, right, right.

Let's try to keep
the noise level down!

Adults are getting a headache!

Mr. heck? This lion Valentine
just has a question mark on it.

Is it from Brick?

Mike didn't want to make any
more trouble for Brick, so...

Nah. That doesn't look
like Brick's handwriting.

But it sort of looks like
that kid's over there.

Dad.
What did you say to autumn?

Why is she hugging Jake
while holding my Valentine?

I was trying to help you out.

By telling her
my Valentine was from Jake?

This is a disaster!

How did you ever land mom?
You know nothing about women!

Look, I thought...
Fine. I'll fix it.

Hey, autumn.
Um, you know what?

Uh, th-th-this card?
It is from Brick.

Nuh-unh. It's from me.

Uh, come on, Jake.
You know it's not yours.

Yeah, it is. Okay, Jake.
I don't want to call you a liar,

but I think we both know
what the truth is here.

Okay, maybe it's time for
a little handwriting analysis.

Here's one of yours... hey!
Now I only have 11 valentines!

I'm just borrowing it. This...

hey! Well, Brick's dad
took one of mine...

now I have less valentines!
Look, I'm gonna give it back. Hang on, okay?

You can have one of mine, Heather.
You like Heather I thought you liked me.

I don't like her!
He does like me!

Nobody likes me! Hey!
Oh, all right. That's no w...

because you yelled at me!
I'm stuck to my mailbox!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

All right! That's it! That's it!
We're shutting it down!

Party's over! Here we go.
You guys shouldn't be

celebrating Valentine's day
anyway,

because it's a scam cooked up
by the greeting card companies.

You know what you should be
doing? You should be studying.

'Cause guess what they're doing
in China right now?

They are doing math
and they're learning

how to be c.E.O.S
of greeting card companies

so they can sell us Americans
a heart-shaped load of crap!

Banned.

You got banned, too?

Nice job, cupid.

I'm telling you, this whole day
is just a scam started...

eh... I'm getting a beer.

What is that?

That's Vanessa! She's
picking me up on her motorcycle.

A motorcycle?

Oh, go just how horrible
was this girl gonna be?

But hey,

your imagination's always worse
than the real thing, right?

Oh, no. Real thing's worse.
So much worse.

Is this Axl's house?

Gotta go. Bye.

What was that?

Vanessa. Axl told me
a few scary things about her,

but I didn't think
she would be that bad.

You knew about it?
And you didn't try to stop it?

Hey, neither one of us
is batting 1.000 right now.

I know why
you didn't say anything.

You're too busy dating our son.

What? That is not true.
We went out a couple of times.

We went shopping,
we had a nice dinner,

we got some ice cream...
Oh, my God, I'm dating our son.

So with all the Brick
and Axl drama going on,

it was easy to overlook Sue.
We probably shouldn't have.

Sue decided that the only way
he was gonna remember

their Halloween kiss
was to jog his memory.

Now, in order
for Sue's plan to work,

200 8th graders needed to be
empathetic and understanding.

Unfortunately, only five were,

and they were afraid
of being made fun of,

so they laughed, too.

Hey, crayon girl, wait!

Me?

So you are the girl
from Halloween.

I thought
that was you the other day.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, you didn't say
anything to me.

Well, after you showed me
around, I never saw you again.

That's 'cause you're
in the popular crowd.

I was in it for a while,
but I sort of got bounced out.

Well, I-I should be...
Getting back to the dance.

Yeah.
I have to get going, too.

It's a long bike ride home.

Hey, what's your name?

It's Sue.

I'm Joe.
I'll see you around, Sue.

Okay. See you around, Joe.

Popular boy
is gonna see me around!

Well, I don't know
what the holdup is.

The restaurant didn't take this
long when Axl took me there...

When we went there as mother and son.
You're pathetic.

Hey.
Hold up there.

We want to have a talk with you
about Vanessa. Have a seat.

Oh, good. All night long,
I was worried you guys

wouldn't be waiting up
to have a talk when I got home.

Have you thought
about where this thing

with Vanessa is headed?
You know, besides jail?

It's easy to get
swept away by someone

who's exciting and different,
but you could end up

with someone who doesn't share your
interests and values. Tell me about it.

It was a rotten movie!
It was the whole reason I asked you out again.

You said you liked it.
Yeah, well, you said you liked Bonnie Raitt.

People lie, Mike. They lie.
You can't show anyone

who you really are until they're
stuck with you. That's love.

Well, it seems like

you guys have got some stuff
to work through, so...

Hold on... don't worry.
I'm not gonna go out with her anymore.

She's a vegetarian.
It's a total dealbreaker.

That was easy.

I went to the dance
dressed as a crayon

to get a boy to notice me.
Good night.

How'd we let that
slip through the cracks?

We have three kids.
We're outnumbered.

Yeah we should have kept
a man-to-man defense.

Why'd we have the third, again?

Valentine's day, ten years ago?

Oh, yeah.

You complained about having to
take me out, so... we stayed in.

Yep. Saved a few bucks
on that one, didn't I?

Sure, Valentine's day
might be a scam

cooked up by
the greeting card companies...

But whether planned...

Same time tomorrow
after third period?

Okay.

Or unplanned...

I know this wasn't from Jake.

He drew butts
on all of his valentines.

Would you like to come in

and I'll show you my favorite
fonts? Fonts.

The thing that it's celebrating
is pretty great.

So?

No, I totally get it now.
I'm really liking it this time.