The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 13 - Super Sunday - full transcript

It's that time of year,

when everyone gears up for one
special Sunday...

Where the best of the best
go head-to-head

in an epic showdown

of skill, speed,
and brute strength.

It's square dancing
with the stars!

Brad just asked me
to be his partner!

This Sunday?
Super bowl Sunday?

Do parents go to this?
Well, you don't have to,

but it's the coolest thing
at school.

There's a big trophy
and hay bales,



and I hear there's even gonna be
punch made with name-brand pop.

I'm gonna go check
the garage rehearsal space,

get a feel of the room.

Mrs. heck, do you have
a regulation tap floor?

We have a concrete slab
with a big grease stain

in the middle. Well, if I can
dance on wood chips at camp,

I can dance on anything.
Mom, I need your advice.

I was super-excited when
Brad asked me to be his partner

after his original partner
got mono

and his replacement partner
tore a ligament

and nobody answered his ad
in the school paper,

but I'm afraid he's just
asking me in order

to rekindle our romance.
Uh, you know, I don't think you have to worry

about that too much.
Are you sure?



Sue, I'm borrowing
your leg warmers.

Positive.

Okay, team worthless,
huddle up.

This Saturday,
I'm taking one of you

to a managerial seminar
in Indianapolis.

It's very prestigious,
and rumor has it

that one of the pips will be
playing in the lounge.

Excellent. I'll bring
my box of Cubans, sir.

Actually, Pete,
you're not going anywhere.

I've decided to take frances.
M-me? Really?

Yes, you, really.

And, Pete, you can leave
those Cubans on my desk.

Aah! Well, well, well.
You little minx.

I guess we know
how you swung that...

a little boom boom
with the boss man?

I had you pegged all wrong,
Frankie.

You're a killer with lady parts.
Nicely played.

Did any of you ever stop
to think for a second that

maybe Mr. Ehlert just might
see something in me?

But what?

So between the excitement of seminars
and square dancing...

There was
still a little left over

for a little something called
the super bowl.

Hey, where you going?
Pro bowl's on.

Countdown to the big game
begins. Wanna watch?

Uh, let's see. I could
watch it here with you

and stare at your big toe
sticking out of your sock,

or I could go to Sean's
and watch it

on a tv from this century. This is my lucky
sock, and "no, thanks" would've been fine.

Is that about the super bowl?
Yep.

Can I see it?

Sure.

Wow.

This is really fascinating.

It is?

Yeah. See this font?
It's copperplate gothic.

I'd love to meet the typographer
who laid this out.

You'd rather meet the guy
that picked the font

than the superstar running back
they're writing about?

Hello. Copperplate gothic.

That's in the sans serif family
of typeface.

Sans serif.

You know, brick,
I bet that would've been

a real conversation starter
in the 1600s,

but you know what men talk about today?
Sports. Here we go.

It's the language of men,
buddy.

A great icebreaker... in bars,
in elevators, even in the John.

If you can talk sports, you can
talk with any guy in the world.

Every year we have people
over here for the super bowl.

What do you do?

Inside voices, please!

I'm just saying,
you like to read?

Well, there's a lot
of fun words in football.

You like the 3-syllable ones, right?
I find them very soothing.

Well, look at this.

"Quarterback."

"Buttonhook."

"Flea-flicker."

I did not realize that.

Hey.
Hey.

Guess who Mr. Ehlert is taking
to a big management seminar?

You. Mike! Don't you even want to
go through the fun of guessing?

Why's he taking you?

I know, right?
But then I started thinking,

maybe I'm not
a great salesperson

because I'm more
of a management type.

I mean, really, think about it.

I do have a way with people.
I'm a great multitasker.

I mean, I manage this house,
don't I? It's not so different.

Well, that's great. This mean
you're getting a raise?

Ohh.
How great would that be?

Then we could go back
to being a 4-job family

instead of a 5-job family. Easy girl.
Don't buy that jet just yet.

So when is this seminar?
It's all day Saturday.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Saturday?

That's just one day
till the super bowl.

I don't want you gone that close to the super bowl.
I'll miss ya. Ohh. Really?

Really?

Really?

Hmm? What?

Oh, yeah, with ice.
That'd be great. Thanks.

Okay, sue,
I burned a practice cd

of the hottest
new square dancing hits.

Feel the beat of the jug.

And do-si-do.

Oh! Whoops.
No. To your left. Again.

Oh. Okay.

Maybe we should just back up,
start with the basics.

That was the basics.
Watch. It's like this.

Hey.

Look at you, square dancing
with the garage door open

so the neighbors can see.

Okay. Ready.
Ready to discuss sports.

Really? Okay.

Uh, let's see what you got.

What is a quarterback?

Quarterback or cornerback?

Because one leads the offense,
and the other plays defense.

Of course, the introduction
of turf in the '70s

sped up the defensive game
to a point

where the quarterback had
to adapt,

becoming more mobile
out of the pocket.

Wow, brick. And, you know,
with the west coast offense...

don't tell me anything
past 1983.

I only read up to where

the Miami dolphins drafted
this guy named Dan Marino.

He looks pretty good. I bet
he won a lot of super bowls.

It was the moment Mike had
waited for his whole life...

the day brick said something
he was actually interested in.

Now courtesy turn
and load the boat! Oh.

Sue, I have to tell you
something.

Please just listen and hear me
and don't say anything just yet.

Oh, my God. I was afraid
this would happen.

Don't say it, Brad.

You're a terrible dancer.

Wait. Are you square-dance
breaking up with me?

It's not you. It's me, for thinking
you could do it. But I can do it.

My cross-country coach
once told me,

I have the heart of a champion
and the legs of a spectator.

Whatever it takes,
I'm willing to work for it.

I can be a tough coach.
There'll be tears...

From both of us.

Again!

Again.

Again.

Again.

Okay, I'm off to my seminar.

You know, I'm almost
the tiniest bit starting

to think of my job
as a stepping-stone

to... maybe a career,
and you know what?

Possibly not hating it
quite so much.

Go get 'em. Oh, and, hey,
if they have those tiny bottles

of hot sauce at the lunch, bring
'em back for the super bowl.

What do you think
the briefcase is for?

Hey, dad, can I watch

the super bowl countdown
with you?

Oh! I forgot.
This is suck town!

Chopped down by the ax man!

Timber!

That's fine. I'm watching with brick.
Ha. That's hilarious.

So, brick, what do you think
is the key to tomorrow's game?

One word... turnovers.

And not just 'cause it's
three syllables. Hmm.

Okay. Turnovers are the key to win.
A lot of people

don't recognize that.
You got that right away. Excellent. Bye.

By the way, dad, did you know that
blue shirt you wear...

With the numbers is for
a team from Indianapolis?

They're called the colts.
That's great, brick.

Whoo! Nice briefcase. Thanks.
It's from brick's old Halloween costume.

Sue went as an Oscar,

so she made brick go as a guy
from price waterhouse.

How many naughty nighties do ya got in there?
Stop it, Pete.

We all know there's nothing
sexual about Frankie.

Joke all you want.
I know you're just jealous

'cause Mr. Ehlert sees
management potential in me,

a woman, and not you...

So how about you boys
just save all the innuendos

and the dirty little comments?
This trip is 100% business.

Come on, toots!
Let's hit the road!

So, Mr. Ehlert,

about the seminar
that we are going to...

Really honored
that you picked me...

For the seminar
that we're going to.

I just hope we're not late for that
session on... come on, frances.

You're a smart woman.
You know there's no seminar.

Oh, no.

Okay, I just want
to remind you, Mr. Ehlert,

that my husband is quite tall,
and he gets very jealous.

Oh. Get over yourself.

If I wanted to cheat
on my wife,

I'd go to a big city
and do it with an ethnic gal.

You're taking me to my colonoscopy.
Wait. Your what now?

My colonoscopy.

There's only two doctors
who do 'em in Orson,

and I sold both of 'em lemons,

so I gotta get it done in indy.

Hold on.
But what about the seminar?

I mean, I read up
on variable rate auto loans,

and I thought
you saw potential in me.

I do. Potential to drive me
back tonight.

I'll be under
a light anesthesia.

So you lied to me?

All of this is just a big lie

to get me to drive you
to your colonoscopy?

Oh, stop whining, frances.

I couldn't let the other guys
know about this.

I need them to respect me.
What about my respect?!

Not following you.

Now be a good girl
and rub my shoulders.

I get very tense when I drive.

Most people
think the colts lost last year

because Peyton Manning
threw that pick-6,

but really it's because
they couldn't defend

against Pierre Thomas
on critical downs.

I just realized this is
the longest conversation we've

had that wasn't about something you accidentally
swallowed. Hmm. I guess you're right.

See, and the great part is,
you can talk about this stuff

with any guy. Sashay in, circle
left, and box the gnat...

Sorry, sorry. Left, I know.

My legs are just trained
to run straight in the woods.

Okay, just... practice
turning left. Yo' left!

Yo' left!
Yo' left! Yo' left!

You're in my spot. Move.
Yo' left! Yo' left!

I'm talking sports with dad.

Yeah, right, and I'm reading.

Well, actually
he has a pretty good theory

about the spread offense.

Anybody can talk about it.
Not everybody can play it.

Right, dad? Like you and me.
We both play football, huh?

Huh? Huh? Go long!

Ohh!
Dancer down!

Axl, will you cut it out?

Your brother and I are trying
to watch tv. I'm okay.

And you hurt your sister.

I don't know exactly
which level of hell it is

where you're forced to see
your boss in a hospital gown,

but it's pretty far down there.

Thankfully,
we were in the home stretch,

and this nightmare
was almost over.

And have you eaten any solid food
in the past 12 hours? Uh, no.

Yeah, right.

He was hitting drive-thrus
like he was in a contest.

Well, we can't do
the procedure if he ate.

We're gonna have to reschedule
for tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? No, no, no.
What are you saying?

That we're supposed to drive
all the way back to Orson

and then come back
in the morning?

Simmer down, frances. I'm not
about to inconvenience you.

We'll be competing here
in 24 hours.

I want you to feel the space.
Sense the flow.

Be the flow.

Now quick, allemande left!

No, sue, that's your right.
Your right!

I'm sorry.
What's going on with you?

We have to perform tomorrow,
and you still don't get it.

Maybe I'm just not a dancer.

I know, but I am,
or... I'm supposed to be.

This is pretty much all I've got.
What do u mean?

I'm not an athlete like you,
sue.

But you have so many friends...

Genny, Claire, Bella, carly.

And you're good
at everything...

cooking, tapping,

creating centerpieces
out of everyday objects.

But those skills aren't always
appreciated in junior high.

Sometimes people make fun
of those things.

Brad, if you could win
square dancing with the stars,

you would not
be made fun of ever again.

Sue, we're not gonna win.

Maybe I should just
stay home tomorrow

and watch that thing
that's on tv with my dad.

We can't win, but you can.

During our freestyle solo,

I'll stand still,
and you dance around me.

You think that would work?

I may not be able to dance,

but there's one thing
I can do really well,

and that's stand
perfectly still.

It's why I've never been
stung by a bee.

Mr. Ehlert? What are you doing?
I got the night eats.

No, no, no!

You are not eating
and ruining your procedure!

What's with the drama? We can
just reschedule for Monday.

Do you even care what my plans
were for this weekend?

I was supposed to watch
the super bowl with my family,

and my daughter's in
a square dancing competition,

and I can't go to it
because of you!

Look, frances...

The truth is, I'm scared.

You're not scared.

Okay, I'm not scared.
Now give me my pork rinds! No! No!

No, no, no!

I've worked for you
for two years,

and you still make me get you
coffee, clean your tie,

look into your throat
with a flashlight

to see if your tonsils
are inflamed.

And then you say you're taking
me to a management seminar,

and I think, "wow,
he sees something in me."

Well, you did see
something in me... a sucker!

And I take it and take it
and never complain,

because I need this job,

but at some point,

I need my self-respect more.

I quit!

You'll need someone to drive you
home in the morning,

but when I get you home,
I quit!

So while I spent the next day
continuing my descent

into the inferno,
Mike was in man heaven.

Super bowl!

Super bowl! Super bowl!

Did you know
that super bowl xii

was e first super bowl
played in a domed stadium?

This the same kid who used to rub ketchup packets?
Oh, he still does that, but what do I care

when he can tell me who invented the
nickel defense? Jerry Williams.

That's my boy!
Yeah! Up top.

Okay, last chance to come to square
dancing with the stars. Any takers?

Uh, I-I'd love to, but I get cramps.
Kills me to miss it.

Your mom's out of town. I should
be here in case she calls.

But, hey, knock 'em dead.

You're missing
the coin toss. Heads!

Yes!
Did you know,

the majority of teams who won
the coin toss lost the game?

I don't want to hear that right now.
The odds of the team winning the coin toss

and then winning the super bowl
are 1 in 2.15.

Of course, if you mean

calling and winning the toss,
the odds are...

Let's
start it up with a chain through.

Sides in, pass through.
Heads up, pass through.

Now yellow rock your corner gal,

then show you're deft
with a circle left.

I went left!

Whoa. They're going for it on 4th.
Odds say they won't make it.

Well,
that's what makes it fun, brick.

Oh, man.
See, now they've turned the ball over,

and historically,
this team struggles

playing red zone defense.

In 1972...

well, I gotta work early.
See ya, Mike.

Well, it's only
the first quarter.

You don't wanna leave now.

From that point on,

the one stat you could count on
was as long as brick was there,

a man would leave
the heck house

every 24 minutes.

Sure, they may be good
this year, but enjoy it now,

'cause with five free agents
on the roster,

you won't see 'em back
at another super bowl

for a long time.

So the name "super bowl"
came about

'cause Kansas City chiefs owner
lamar hunt saw his daughter

playing with a "super ball."

You're just wrong.
You may not know you're wrong,

but you're wrong. You know, maybe I
will check out that square dancing.

What? No.
Hey, bill, wait. Come on.

I-I'll break out the good beer
from the back of the fridge,

the kind you need an opener for.

Way to go, brick.
You cleared the place out.

I don't get it. I talked
about sports the whole time.

Yeah, the whole time.

You droned on with useless facts
and boring stats.

Hey, I got a stat for ya.
Odds are,

no one's coming here to watch
a football game ever again.

Okay, I know this whole thing
with brick is just a ploy

to get my attention,
and it will not work!

Oh, my God. You're letting him
wear your colts Jersey?

You never let me wear it!
What? He's your son now?!

I've always been his son.
Aha! So he admits it!

You've been plotting
and planning this

since the day you were born!
You're crazy! I just wanted to read!

Oh, yeah, if I'm crazy, how come I've been watching you two...
If you had sat down and watched sports with dad

like you were supposed to...
by now! And laughing!

Hey! Quiet! Oh, great.

While you two were yelling,
I just missed an interception.

Historically,
interceptions lead to...

no more! Both of ya, out!

I'm gonna watch the rest of
this game by myself in peace!

It's true, what they say.

The super bowl is the most
emotional time for men,

but I was having an r.V. Full
of emotions myself.

Look, I know
this whole quitting thing

was just a little lady drama,

and, uh, maybe it's
the oxy talking,

but, uh, I'm willing
to forget about it,

because, uh, well, you've
got me in a little pickle here.

'Cause I was
gonna threaten to fire ya

if you ever said anything
about this, but now I can't,

so, uh,
how about you come back,

and instead of 5% commission,

I give you 5 1/2
to kp your mouth shut?

You know, Mr. Ehlert...

I don't care how rich you are.

I'm not gonna let you keep
treating me this way.

I'm someone you can't buy,

not for a lousy 5 1/2%.

Even 6% would be
a massive insult.

7%... I'm still hating you.

9 might almost forgive missing
the super bowl with my husband.

20% and I'm listening.

9.

Deal.

Hell,
you don't need no seminar.

Top it off with a do-si-do.
Next pair up, it's your solo.

Now before you show us
what you got,

circle left around the spot.
Runts)

Brad! Left! Yo' left!

And that's when,
on super bowl Sunday,

sue forgot all about
standing still

and instead became the m.V.P.

Of square dancing
with the stars.

Got our ribbons. Look!

"8th place"
and "participant"!

Two ribbons
for the bulletin board.

Sue, there were
only eight couples.

How can you be happy
about this? We lost.

I guess I'm used to it.

I really wanted to win.

Brad, think about it.

Do you really want
to peak in eighth grade?

There's nowhere to go but down.

But 'cause we're building
character now,

we can peak when we're 30,

when we have the money
and clear skin to enjoy it.

We are gonna be
the most awesome adults.

I almost feel sorry
for the winners.

We did it, Brad.
We participated.

We got ribbons. We got
our names in the programs.

They listed me as "sue hick,"
but I know it's me.

And now we get
to go to the pie house...

In our costumes.

Yep, I guess that's how it is
on game day.

Sometimes you win...

Sometimes you lose...

And sometimes it's enough
just to participate.

So, brick, uh,
that super bowl logo...

is that serif or sans serif?

Sans serif. See, dad?

If you can talk about fonts,
you can talk to anyone.