The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Middle - full transcript

How did I get here?

No, I didn't remarry.

And no, my kitchen appliances
didn't all give out at once.

I guess it all started about a week ago.

- You don't wanna wait for the bathroom?
- Yeah, no time.

I'm already late for that school thing.

Okay. How'd I look?

Okay. Wait a minute.

I think I've got some lipstick
smushed in the bottom of my bag.

Ooh.

Now?



What else you got in there?

He was right, I looked like hell.

I knew what I had to do.

You might think
pretending to buy makeup...

... so you can use
all the free testers is dishonest.

But I prefer the term "resourceful."

If you like that lip gloss,
you're gonna love this new eye cream.

Have you tried it?
It smoothes and tightens.

Look, let me stop you right there.

I'm in sales, I know all the tricks.

- Don't bother.
- I thought you might like it.

Refreshes the areas around eyes
and makes you look less tired.

Less tired? Really?

Ah.



Wow.

I do look less tired.

Yikes, $20 for this tiny jar?

But if I look less tired, who knows,
maybe I could save money on coffee.

I'll take it. Oh! And do you by chance
have any free lipstick samples...

...in this color?

The next day, I was still feeling

pretty good about treating myself.

My eyes looked bigger,
and the shape of the toaster helped.

Axl, your backpack is crying.

Ugh! Again?

I gotta take care of this stupid
baby thing for a week for health class.

They say they're teaching us sex ed.
What do babies have to do with sex?

- They ruin it.
- There's some computer chip...

...that keeps track of its mood,
how much it cries...

...how I take care of it.
Supposed to teach responsibility.

I'm gonna go shoot hoops
with the guys. Later.

- Hoo.
- Whoa.

No, you're not allowed to have a baby
and then go shoot hoops. I tried.

The next time your Dad and I
change a diaper, it'll be each other's.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe you won't support me.

This is 80 percent of my grade.
I already failed personal hygiene.

Axl, that's not our...
How do you fail personal hygiene?

- It's all politics.
- Mm, we're not paying the price...

...because you don't know
how to work a washcloth.

Oh. Nice grandparenting.
This is what's wrong with society.

Your generation is so selfish.

Enjoy this time with the baby
before it learns to talk.

Mom, Axl says I'm plastic baby's aunt
and I have to change it. Is that true?

Axl, change your own plastic baby.

Hey, look close at me.

Does anything on my face
look smoother or tighter?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Ha, ha. Where am I looking?

Yeah, well it looked better
in the toaster.

- Can I try?
- All right. Go easy.

That wasn't cheap.

Whoa!

$200?

- Mom, you paid $200 for this?
- No, no, no, twenty.

But you know what?
Don't tell your Dad.

Uh-uh. I'm pretty sure that says 200.

- Look at the two little zeros there.
- Are you serious?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Your face
is starting to look really tight now.

No. I thought it was $20.

I didn't look at the credit card receipt
because I was in too much of a rush.

Oh.

Okay, scoop it back in. Scoop it back in.

- Don't let it absorb.
- Oh, no.

Are we gonna lose the house?

You know, a lot of the parenting books
advise against that.

Tsk, I got no choice.
I'm on level seven of my game.

I can't blow away pimps
and feed a baby at the same time.

That's not going anywhere.

Quick trip to the mall. No reason.

Don't go buying a bunch of stuff
we can't afford.

Hi. I don't know if you remember me,
but I was here yesterday.

Of course I remember you. Hi.

How's that new eye cream
working out for you? Do you love it?

Well, uh, here's the thing.

I don't.

I wanted to love it, I really did.

But I used it three times and look,
I'm not smooth or tight.

Sorry, we can't take it back
if it's been used.

Oh, no, no. I didn't use it.

The seal's broken.

You sold me used eye cream?
Can you call the manager, please?

No, you know what?
I'm feeling nice today...

...so how about you just refund
my money and I won't press charges.

I'm willing to bet
that's your fingerprint in there.

Okay, can I be honest with you?

So far, I'd say no.

Here's the thing, see,
I thought that was $20, not 200.

I never would have bought it
if I thought it was $200.

I mean, $200 for that tiny jar...

...that's insane.
- Actually, it's quite reasonable.

This is made from the bladder of a mule
from France.

For $200,
I could have bought that mule.

You're not getting a refund.

Fine. You know,
I spend a lot of money in this store...

...but from now on,
I will be taking my business elsewhere.

Axl, give your baby a bottle.

Unh, that's not the bottle cry.
Little Brick must have pooped himself.

- Stop calling him that.
- What? You're his favorite uncle.

It's an honor
to have him named after you.

I can't take it anymore.

I have a fire drill tomorrow.

If I'm gonna keep my hands to myself
and line up in an orderly fashion...

...I need my sleep.

Psst, hey, you can stay in here.

- Really? You sure?
- Yeah, it'll be fun.

I've always wanted
to have a roommate. Here.

You can take this half of the bed
and why don't you take Woofy Dog.

You know what? I need Woofy Dog.

Hey, thanks.
Axl's baby's driving me crazy.

Even when he smothers it,
you can still hear it.

Would you ladies keep it down?
I finally got Little Brick to sleep.

I said stop calling him that.

I have an idea.

Wanna have some fun, roomie?

Ugh! I was up all night. I'm exhausted.
This baby never stops crying.

This is my favorite homework
assignment you've ever had.

What? He likes it when I do this.

- When do kids become less annoying?
- I'll let you know.

Man, I hate this table.

Just tell him.

There's never gonna be a good time.

- Of course, we can't afford a new one.
- Damn it. That was a good time.

You wanna hear a funny story?

Oh, is it something about Axl
and his baby? I got one after you.

Uh, not exactly, but I think you're gonna
find this really hilarious.

On the way to that school thing
the other night, in like...

...a moment of extreme,
extreme weakness...

...I bought this eye cream.

Wow, yeah, you are a sucker.
What's that, a dropper-full?

- I know, ha, ha. It's insane, right?
- Pretty insane.

What did you pay for it?

How much do you think
would be a funny amount?

- Ten bucks.
- Funnier.

- Fifteen.
- Ha, ha, funnier.

I'm hoping it doesn't get funnier
than 20.

200. Ha-ha-ha.

What?

It was a mistake.
A stupid, stupid mistake...

...and I have no excuse.

Except look
how tiny those zeros are.

And I didn't have my glasses.
But I have no excuse. No excuse at all.

Mike?

Okay, well...

...we needed that $200
for property taxes this month.

So I guess I'll call Bob...

...and ask if he knows about
any extra shifts at Little Betty.

We gotta make up
that money somehow.

I'm really sorry, Mike.

I still wanna hear your funny Axl story.

Okay, you can tell me later.

How great was last night, roomie?

We must've woken up
Axl's baby 10 times.

What?

Why does fun always have a price?

Relax, this should be easy. All we have
to do is pull out all the loose pieces...

...before applying the spackle.

Loose pieces.

They're all loose pieces.

It wasn't fair for Mike

... to take on extra work...

... to make up for my stupid,
stupid mistake.

So I slapped on 30 bucks
worth of useless mule bladder...

... and went looking
for a second job too.

Sorry, we're looking for someone...

- ...with a specific style.
- Younger.

- Someone with their finger on the pulse.
- Younger.

- Someone who's really plugged in.
- Younger.

Then, after knocking on every door...

... I found the one place
where I was still considered hip:

The 1800s.

Welcome to Orson Heritage Village.

My name is Rachel Moody Cochran.

In 1816, I came by wagon train
to this very town...

...where I gave birth
to all 19 of my children...

...four of whom survived.

I'll be wanting another one
come spring.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, good news. I got hired as an old wife
down at Heritage Village.

Minimum wage
and all the fresh eggs I can carry.

Okay.

Come on. You froze me out last night,
you froze me out this morning.

We're not rich enough to get a divorce,
so we have to fight.

- What do you want me to say?
- I don't know.

Whatever you want.

You say I was stupid.
I'll say you're right.

You say who signs
a credit card slip without looking?

I'll say I know. I thought it was 20 bucks.
"That's not the point, Frankie.

Twenty is too much for three ounces...

...of some stupid eye cream
that we don't need."

You don't think I know that?
They got me at a weak moment.

I was tired.
"Yeah, when aren't you tired?"

Oh, that is low.

I bought it to look good for you.
"Baloney, you bought it for yourself."

I said I was sorry, Mike.
"Well, sorry isn't gonna fix it."

Stop yelling at me!

I think I've said
all that needs to be said.

And so the deep freeze...

... of winter continued.

There was no sign of thaw in sight.

The children born in autumn were now
struggling to survive the bitter season.

Hey. Ha, ha, check it out.

If you hold him up to the microwave,
the radiation makes him quiet.

Oh, oh. That can't be good. What the?

While skilled carpenters...

... worked tirelessly...

... to repair the battered homestead.

Okay. I cut the hole to fit this
piece of drywall I found in the garage.

Now, if my measurements are correct,
it should be a perfect.

No, I told you, I can't just drop
everything and go to a movie anymore.

I'm taking care of a baby.

Oh, man!

Aah! This thing is ruining my life.
Why do I have to do this? I get it.

If a girl invites you into her bed,
there will be consequences.

Don't I know it.

I've got a screwdriver
so we can reach the piece...

...honey because it's sticky,
and an egg because Mom wants me...

...to eat more protein.
- Great, give me the screwdriver.

Oh, I think I feel it.

Yeah. I think l...

Oh, no.

Sue. We have to get that back.
Axl was using it.

Can you see it?

Uh-oh.

Brick, are you kidding me?
You dropped the egg?

- You dropped the screwdriver.
- Screwdrivers don't smell.

They're gonna find us out.
It's a telltale egg.

It's weird, Bob. Weird.

He's never been this quiet
for this long without a game on.

I'll be running deliveries
in the truck with Mike tonight.

- I could suss him out for you.
- No sussing.

- I don't want you to make it worse.
- Got it. My lips are sealed.

- So Mike, women, huh? Am I right?
- Jeez.

Like mine, for example.

Always spending money
on stupid things, like...

...uh, for example, lip gloss.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

Makes me mad. Or hurt.

Or another feeling I don't like to share?

- Bob.
- But you know us men.

Strong and silent types.

- Sometimes too silent.
- Sometimes not silent enough.

You know, Bob, I got a problem too.

I sometimes butt into people's business,
then find myself...

...on the side of the road watching
the truck I was just in as it drives away.

You're not talking about yourself,
are you?

No, Bob, I'm not.

Why are you slowing down?

Oh, I can smell it.

- You can't smell it.
- It gets worse every hour.

Why an egg for a snack, Brick?

No dead fish in the fridge?

Look, there's nothing we can do.

- Let's just go tell Mom and Dad.
- No. I am not going down for this.

But what?

Yes.

What are you doing?

I am getting that stinking thing out.

- How comes the butter, wife?
- I've been churning for three hours...

...and I still don't have enough
for a baked potato.

Hark. Hear I church bells
from the town square?

Hello?

- Frankie?
- Mike. Hi.

What is this demon device
you hold to your ear?

Cast it into ye hearth.

Sorry.

I just need a second. It's my husband.

Are you speaking in tongues, woman?
For I am your husband.

Did you talk about our business
with Bob?

What? No, of course not.

I paid three head of cattle for you.
A fine price for a sturdy bride.

Then how come Bob's talking...

... to me about our life?

- I don't like talking about life with Bob.
- I may have mentioned you were upset...

...about the $200 eye cream.
- Two hundred dollars?

Why, that is the size
of the entire state treasury.

Just give it a rest, Obadiah.
In the name of God...

...just raise a barn, plow a field,
chill out for half a second.

We have one visitor.

She knows we're not in the 1800s.
You know we're not really in 1800s?

You're cool with me taking this call?
Thank you.

Mike, I think the important thing
is that we're talking.

Mike?

Mike?

I have a question.

What kind of eye cream
cost $200?

I thought it was 20!

Oh, the egg's gotta be here.

It's gotta be in one of them.

Sue, it's over.

It can't be over. How did this
whole thing go so wrong?

I just wanted a roommate. I thought
we were gonna have fun together.

I had fun.

- Really?
- Really.

Just by not sitting on my head,
you're a way better roommate than Axl.

Thanks, Brick.

Huh! The egg!

- We're off the hook.
- We did it. We did it.

Now all we have to do is
patch a few holes and we're home free.

We still need to find the screwdriver.

Oh, there it is.

Mom. Help, I took my baby apart
and now he won't fit back together.

I'll never get a good grade.
This is D work at best.

Maybe if you used some energy
you spent not taking care of baby...

...to take care of the baby,
you wouldn't be in this mess.

I've tried taking care of him,
I just can't find the stupid screwdriver.

Quit whining, go find one, and fix it.
And by the way, it's a girl.

If you'd changed the diaper even once,
you would know that.

Ah.

- What're you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?

- I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild.
- Hey, listen, uh, sorry I hung up.

- Bob got back in the truck...
- Mike, whatever.

I've been trying to talk to you all week
and you froze me out...

...and now I'm too tired.

I am selling cars, I'm dyeing wool.
Obadiah wants me to take a job...

...as a teacher because there's a drought
and corn isn't gonna save us this year.

Even in my second job,
I have to get another job.

I have two lives in two centuries,
and they both suck.

Oh, would you rock the head?

What?

I'm trying to stop this. I can't find
the sensor. I'm rocking the torso.

Please just rock the head.

I mean, I thought
that if I got a second job...

...you would see how sorry I was
and you would forgive me, but no.

I make a mistake, and it doesn't matter
what I say or what I do.

You wanna stay mad,
so go ahead and stay mad at me.

I'm not mad you made a mistake.

I'm mad because we can't afford
to make a mistake.

- What?
- Think I like it...

...that 200 bucks
sends us over the edge?

Or that by this point in our lives...

...we have four jobs to stay poor?

It does suck when you say it like that.

I mean, damn it,
we should have some kind of cushion...

...so we can make
a mistake once in a while.

Or at least fix the kitchen table.
Didn't we have plans for this place?

Instead here we are with the same
carpet and busted garbage disposal.

The only room we've redone is Sue's.

Oh, there he goes again.

Oh, keep walking,
my half likes the walking.

I guess I just hoped we'd be
farther along at this point, that's all.

Hmm, remember when we used
to do this with Axl?

Oh.

Then we had to go through the couch
to find 5 bucks for diapers.

It used to take five bucks to send us
over the edge, but now it takes 200.

That's progress.

- How the hell did we make it through?
- I don't know.

- A lot of TV and denial.
- Mm.

We'll make it through this too.

Well, I think the head's asleep.

Ooh, the body too.

- They are so cute when they're sleeping.
- Aren't they?

So we were talking again...

... and I knew we'd be okay.

If Obadiah and Rachel
made it through all their crap...

... Mike and I ought to have a cakewalk.

Like the pioneers, we have
to make the best of our situation.

Now, my baby may not
look like everyone else's...

...but isn't that
what makes America great...

...that we can love people
of all shapes and sizes?

This is the kind of country
that I wanna live in.

We fill the holes however we can.

When faced with a job
we just can't stand...

...we find a way to make it work for us.
- Ye sure ye still got the pox?

Oh, yeah, big time.

I don't think I'm gonna be up and ready
to churn for a couple of days.

Could you be a peach
and pump me another cup of water?

For all the other day-to-day stuff

... that drives us nuts...

... solutions can turn up
in surprising places.

You just gotta be resourceful.

- Oh.
- Here's the test. Ready?