The Middle (2009–2018): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Middle - full transcript

There's something
scary going on

in houses all over America.

Nobody's talking about it,
but it's happening.

I can't sleep.

I'll go.

That's right. I'm talking about
the 3:00 A.M. shuffle.

If you're a parent and you've never
done it, you're lying.

Yep, there's something scary
going on

in houses all over America,

and we're putting up with it.

You all right? Ugh.
Brick got into our bed last night,



and I had to sleep on the couch again.
Well, the weekend's coming up.

You can catch up
on your Z's then.

No. Brick's got a book fair
he needs to get to,

and sue needs jeggings...
whatever those are...

and Axl has a science project
due Monday

and needs a poster board
and an idea.

What are you and Mike doing?
Uh, that.

Can't you just tell them "no"?

Bob, Bob, Bob.
You so don't have kids.

That I know of.

What you doin'?

Well, cross-country is over,

and like a caterpillar,
I've shed my sweatshirt

to emerge reborn for the next
challenge that lies ahead.



I'm trying to decide
what to try out for next.

So what do you think...
cheerleading?

What else?
Basketball?

Next.
Synchronized swimming?

Keep goin'. The everybody-makes-it
lunchroom follies?

Hello. Now that one there
seems interesting.

It's just this talent show thing
at lunchtime.

I don't even think there are
tryouts or anything.

You just sign up.
I'm really liking the sound of that.

I made dinner!
Come get your bags!

In here.
Okay, here you go.

We've got tacos,

burgers and fries, sub shop.

I thought we were getting
a bucket of chicken.

I wanted chicken. I know.
I wanted chicken, too, but then the kids called

and they all wanted
something different,

so I went to three
different drive-thrus,

and I wasn't about to go
to a fourth place just for us,

so we got this.
What's this?

Chinese chicken salad from the taco place.
This isn't chicken. Chicken comes in a bucket.

Way to go, mom!
They forgot my shake!

No. Are you serious?
They didn't put it in?

The whole reason I wanted you
to go there was for the shake!

I dip my fries in the shake!
Fine. I'll go back.

Wait. No, hold on, Frankie.
This is crazy.

You just got home. You went
to three different places.

You're not going back out. I'll do it.
Can I have pop from the taco place?

I'll take more fries!

Wait. What are we
doing here, Mike?

What? Uh, shake, more fries,

a pop from the taco place,
not the burger place. I got it.

When did this happen? When did
the kids become our bosses?

Napkins!

Bob was right.
What about us?

We never do anything
for ourselves anymore.

We're always catering to them.

As soon as I said it,
I realized it was true.

Somewhere along the way,

we had become second-class
citizens in our own house.

Sue, how many times
do I have to tell you

to take your backpack
to your room?

I'm not doing it for you!

Is "wizards
of waverly place" over yet?

No!

Oh, thank God. A rest stop.
Pull over. I really gotta go.

We are not stopping!
We're only 52 Miles from home, mom!

Fine.
If traffic's good, I think I can hold it.

We're pathetic, Mike.
Pathetic.

Our parents would have
never put up with this.

Hmm. I hated green peppers, but
my mom always made me eat them,

'cause that's what we had.

On Thursdays, I had to choke
down those green peppers.

My dad watched "the hoosier
farm report" every night.

And guess what I watched?
"The hoosier farm report."

And here's our kids
stretched out on our couch,

watching our big tv,
eating like kings,

and we're standing here
hunched over the counter,

eating crappy shreds of chicken
from the taco place.

How did we let this happen?
When did this start?

I don't know. But I'll
tell you when it stops.

No, no. That clock is broken.
Axl was playing ball

in the house
after I told him not to.

What are you doing?
I'll tell you what we're doing.

We're taking back the house.

Come on. Get up.
Hey, we were here first.

You were? Because I don't
remember seeing you

in 1991 when I bought this house.
"Taking back the house"... what does that even mean?

It means that we've been letting
you get away with way too much,

but that is over.
It's our house, our tv,

and we're gonna watch
what we wanna watch.

What, you mean like after our show is over?
No, I mean like right now.

So we're doing picture-in-picture?
We call the big picture.

No, you do not get a picture.
You are out of the picture. Well, we... but...

Ahh! But... but what are...
what are we supposed to do?

We'll be... bored.

We don't care.
That's the beauty of it. Mm-hmm.

This is unfair. You're parents.

It's your job
to put your kids first.

Who says? (Scoffs) I'll tell you who says.
"The giving tree."

You're the ones
who read us the book.

The tree gave up all its leaves

and... and its apples
and its branches,

and it let the little boy cut
it down so it could be a canoe,

and it didn't complain and go
nuts and kick anyone off the tv.

No! It wanted to be a stump!
It was happy!

I don't think he was happy.

I don't think he had the guts to
do what we're doing... say "no."

Well, your dad and I
aren't stumps.

Not anymore.

That night, we slept better
than we had in weeks.

And the
next day, I took it further

and started a little extreme
home makeover of my own.

Oh, hey, honey.
How was school?

What's going on?
What is this?

Oh, I'm taking back my house.
I thought that was just yesterday!

No, no.

I have tripped over
my last tennis ball.

I have sat on my last joystick.

You guys are gonna start keeping
all your crap in your rooms.

So dig in this pile
for what's yours,

'cause anything that's left
is going in the trash.

Oh, my God. What did you do
to the family room?

What did you do
to the family room?!

You like it? I've always
wanted it this way.

No, I don't like it.

It's like you're trying
to pretend you never had us!

Dad, look what she did
to the family room.

Oh, hey. Looks great.

I know, right? We actually have
a pretty nice family room.

I'm not embarrassed to have
people over anymore.

Don't worry.
We're not having people over.

Can one of you take me
to the library?

Brick, do you not even
notice what they did?

Weird. So can one of you
take me to the library?

I feel like reading about Peru.

No, brick, sorry. Can't.

Actually, won't.

I just got home from work
and I am going to eat my pizza,

for once, while it's still hot.

That is really annoying.

If you're really dying
to find out about Peru,

look it up online.

But I like books. I like
the feel of paper in my hands.

Well, I like the feel
of pizza in my hand,

so nobody's taking you
anywhere right now.

God, if you don't want
to do anything for us,

why'd you even have kids?
'Cause babies are cute.

If you'd had come out teenagers, we
might've had to rethink.

Great. You guys got
the wrong pizza.

It has yellow things
all over it. What is this?

Pineapple pizza!
Oh, Mike.

Still good, huh?
Mwah.

I still don't get it.
Why are you doing this?

What is this about? You trying
to teach us some kind of lesson?

Axl, you really think
we have nothing better to do

than sit around, thinking up
lessons to teach you?

This isn't about you.
Your mom and I love this pizza,

and we never get it. Now we're getting it.
But we don't like this pizza.

You'll eat what we provide.
In the wild,

when the lion brings back
the zebra he just killed,

the cubs don't get to say...

"We don't like zebra.
We wanted wildebeest."

When the lion brings back zebra,
everybody eats zebra.

But I don't like zebra!
I want wildebeest!

Well, all we've got is zebra.
But the zebra has pineapple on it.

Wait. Who's the lion
in this story?

I'm the lion.

I'm the lion
in all the stories.

What are you doing?

We're afraid to go in.
We don't feel welcome.

They're not backing down, axl.

I don't even know
who they are anymore.

You know, carly and I are
working on this dance

for the lunchtime follies,
right? And we saw

these polka-dot umbrellas
at the mall that are, like,

essential to the number.
So I called mom and asked

if she could pick one up
on her way home from work.

She said "no." I should just use whatever
we have in the closet. That's nothing.

Today she doesn't remind me
to bring my lunch,

and then when I text her, she
refuses to bring it to school.

I had no lunch.
No lunch!

No one's taken me to the library
in two days!

Well, just complaining
about it's not gonna help us.

The more we complain,
the stronger they get,

and the longer they live.

The Internet has no paper.
It doesn't smell like paper.

It doesn't feel like paper.

Okay, here's the plan...

we're taking back the house
from them taking back the house.

You see,
it's a double takeback.

Starting today,
we're not gonna react.

We're just gonna play along.
They'll never know what hit 'em.

Hey, axl.
What you watching?

It's Southern belle week
on "say yes to the dress."

Everyone's from the South.
Oh, awesome! Mind if I join?

Mm. (Man) Last week on
"say yes to the dress"...

Oh! Can't do it.

No.

Yep,
it was a strange new world.

And brick knew if he had a hope
of surviving in it,

he was gonna have to adapt.

"P"...

"E"...

"R"...

"U."

You may think Mike and I were
crazy for what we were doing,

but the only crazy thing is
we hadn't done it sooner.

Mom, can you please change the station?
I can, but I won't.

Is that the last cookie?
Yep, it is.

Dad. (Mouth full) My mistake.
There's one more.

Mom, dad,

a Nigerian prince
desperately needs our help.

There's a coup, and he needs
our bank account information

in order to transfer millions
of dollars out of his country.

In exchange for our help,
he'll give us $3,000!

Hurry! The bank closes
in half an hour.

It's a scam, brick.

Not everything
on the Internet is true.

So there's not beautiful singles
in my area dying to meet me?

I have to update my blog.

Oh, shoot! My bus is outside,
and nobody packed me a snack!

I need a paper towel roll
for science!

Good luck with that.

Fine! Just sit there
sipping your coffee

while we run around!
That's the plan.

You know, I'm pretty sure
we could sue you for this.

I... well, brick... found
this web site with a lawyer

who will take our case
for 29 bucks,

and I'm pretty confident we would win.
Oh, no. I hope I don't lose custody.

Mom, about the
polka-dot umbrella...

No.

Brick!

Huh? Brick, what are you doing?
You have school.

I woke up
in the middle of the night,

and you won't let me
in your bed, so I came in here

to look up native Americans,
which linked me

to the Albuquerque
balloon festival,

which linked me to stars, which
linked me to "us" magazine,

and it took me all night
to finish clicking

on who wore it best. Well, that's just great.
You missed the bus.

I voted for Ashley Tisdale,

but now
I'm second-guessing myself.

I should make up
a new user name

and vote
for Scarlett Johansson instead.

It's hard
'cause they both wore it well.

Scarlett Johansson.

I'll meet you in the car.

Unh-unh. I'm not driving.
You've got feet.

You're gonna use 'em.
Actions have consequences.

Maybe not before,
but they do now.

Frankie, what's going on?
I saw brick walking to school.

He said he missed the bus and you
wouldn't drive him. That is correct.

Oh, no. Are you and Mike having
problems? Did you lose your job?

Are you drinking mouthwash
to get drunk

in the middle of the day? No.
Mike and I have decided not to be stumps anymore.

If brick misses the bus,
he has to walk to school.

Oh, look! The little river band
cover band

is playing at t.J. Schnauser's
on Wednesday.

I love little river band.

Me, too. Mike and I used to make
out to them when we made out.

On a Wednesday night? Yeah.
We'll get Sean and axl to babysit.

Oh, it would be so much fun.

I haven't been to a concert since the state fair.
I don't know if Sean will want to.

That is stump mentality.

We put a roof over their heads
and food on their table.

We will tell them
they are babysitting.

Are you with me, Nancy?

We're not just gonna
take back our house.

We're gonna take back
our lives.

Wow! They were awesome!

You'd never know
the little river band cover band

is not the little river band.
Yeah.

Why haven't we done this before?

We should! We should do this
every Wednesday.

Mike, we're doing it every Wednesday.
Beer and dollar wings?

Hell, yeah, we're doing it
every Wednesday.

Oh, no more for us.
We gotta head home.

What?!
What? No!

You can't leave now.

They haven't even done
"lonesome loser."

You can't leave
before "lonesome loser."

It's just,
we told Dottie and Shelly

we'd be home in time
for their bedtime ritual.

They love the way
Ron says "good night"

in the voice
of their lambie pie.

I say...
Good night.

It's like a sheep.
They like it.

Oh, come on. You should at least
stay and...

Oh, shoot.
I have to go, too.

Ugh. What? Nicole's texting me.
She needs help with her homework.

People, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

You are allowed to put
your own happiness first

once in a while.
Is that true?

Yeah. Yes!
We took our lives back a week ago,

and it has been like
being on vacation

in Paris or myrtle beach.
It's that good.

And just last night,
we kissed... on a Tuesday.

She's asking if we've left yet.

Think about when you were kids.

Did your parents spend their
whole weekend entertaining you?

Did they cater
to your every whim? No.

Somewhere along the way, we all started drinking
the kool-aid. And how about all the weekends

we spent with the kids
at the zoo?

They don't remember any of it. Might as well take 'em to a bar.
We took Sean to the space needle.

He said it was boring.

Oh, God, now she's texting me.

Algebra homework.
I hate algebra.

What are we gonna do?
Shh! Let me think.

What is there to think about?
You did your homework.

You studied algebra.
You made the bus.

And now it's our time to take
a night out for ourselves

to just dance
to the sweet sounds

of the little river band
cover band.

Are you joining the revolution
or not?

I'm texting her back "no."

I'm shaking.

What did she text back?

I don't know.
I'm turning it off.

Whoo!

We're changing the world, Mike,

one couple at a time!

I can't believe
you are just getting home!

It is 10:20!

Wow! (Laughs) No wonder I'm so tired.

You leave me alone
with sue and brick.

They won't go to bed.
You're out doing God knows what,

and I just don't understand

what do you wanna hear? E
I appreciate you. I'm bad.

You're good. I haven't been
focusing enough on my grades.

I should call grandma,
clean my bed, pick up my pants.

What? What do you want from me?
Just tell me, and I'll do it

so we can go back
to our normal lives.

Okay, axl. Well, uh...
Here's the truth.

This whole thing has been
about... um... your grades.

Thank you.

God! You're always on me
about my grades! Ugh!

Mom, dad...

The follies are tomorrow,

and I just have to have
that polka-dot umbrella,

'cause the twins are gonna have
matching sparkle scrunchies

for their act...
go to bed, sue.

Brick! Bed.

Okay! Hold on! I'm just
bidding on a speedboat!

I think I'm gonna get it!

Mornin'.

Whew! Was I drumming
last night?

My wrist hurts.

No, you slipped
in Nancy's vomit.

Ohh. You know, I don't
think we're gonna be able

to do this every Wednesday.
Hmm.

Did you guys know that you can
find anything on the Internet?

And I mean anything?

Like what exactly?

Like, I looked up "Moby dick,"
the hard edition.

Oh. You didn't.

And you can't believe what came up.
Oh, I'm afraid we can.

All these first editions
and stuff.

It's all right there
on rareprintbooks. Com.

Oh. See?
Oh. Good for you, brick.

That's what the Internet
is for... books.

Oh, and then I met
some guy online

who wants to meet me
at the park.

Maybe we should have
taken him to the library.

I can either bring
a black umbrella

or a hello Kitty one.

No, it's okay, carly.
They don't have to match.

Well, I have a pink raincoat.

Maybe I can cut it into dots
and staple it on.

I know it's not exactly
what we wanted,

but our dancing
will make up for it.

Frankie, be strong.

I am. I totally am.

The truth is,
I sort of felt bad.

But it was ridiculous.
What was I gonna do...

go late to work
so I could drive by the mall

and buy
a stupid polka-dot umbrella

for a one-time
lunch performance?

Yes, I was.

Oh, my gosh!
Thank you! Thank you so much!

You're the best mom ever! Oh!
Honey, you're welcome.

Hey, listen, we don't need
to tell your dad about this.

Got it. I gotta go find carly
and tell her!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up there, mister.

You're a little too big
to hide.

Aha. Wow.
Look what we have here.

Looks like what we have here
is a stump.

Oh, I'm the stump?
No, you're the stump.

I can't believe
that you would do this.

Then you go behind my back
and get the umbrella for her

so that I look like
the bad guy?

You mean like you went
behind my back? Stump?

Okay, look, we were
weak, but this doesn't mean

that we still can't be strong
in the future.

No, this is a one-time thing.
It's just an umbrella.

It's not like we're giving up
on the whole revolution.

And now we own the umbrella.

I mean, after the show,
we can still use it.

Yeah. I mean, you can't have too many umbrellas.
Never. And just 'cause we're giving up on this,

doesn't mean we... we gave in on everything.
Oh, no, it's not like it's the beginning of the end.

It was the beginning
of the end.

In a few weeks, we had
slipped back into old habits.

Yay, cheese! Don't worry.
The pineapple slice is for your dad and me.

What? I love pineapple
on pizza now.

Oh, what's the matter, sweetie?
You want your binky?

Your bottle?

Tell me what you want,
and I will get it for you.

Stop. Don't do it. Give him
what you want him to have.

It's too late for me,
but you're just starting out.

It's not too late for you.

Tell your friends.
Spread the word.

She won't.

Mom!

Coming!

So why do we keep
running around,

doing for our kids, even when
it makes our lives hard?

'Cause we love them,

and it makes you happy
to make them happy.

Damn it.
That's how they getcha.

At least in the end,
it's worth it.