The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Cheerleader - full transcript

"The Cheerleader"

Out here
in the middle,

people are straight shooters.

They just say it
like it is.

Well, I got one of those types
in my house as well.

Hell, yeah,
you were a mistake.

I mean, we're happy
that you're here now,

but you were
definitely a mistake.

It's funny,
'cause you're not fat,

but that skirt
sure makes you look fat.

Who told you
Scrappy went to a farm?



He's not on a farm.
He's dead.

Oh, hey, Dad,

I'm trying out
for swim team.

Do you want to come watch me
swim laps at the pool?

- Sounds boring.
- Mike.

- It does.
- Mike.

You saying my name over and over
doesn't make it sound less boring.

But sometimes the family
needs more than honesty.

It needs a cheerleader,
and that's me.

You know, Sue, I think
what your dad is saying

is it sounds like
a lot of fun.

The dryer's making
that noise again.

Noise again.

What noise?
Your dad fixed it.



It's working great now.

Damn thing's
on its last legs.

I can't hear the TV.

No, we can't afford a new
dryer right now. It's fine.

Did anybody get the mail?

Get more pop.

Axl, come on.
Let's go.

Axl had told us
he was at church group

when he was actually
sticking his tongue

down some girl's throat
at the mall.

So he'd earned himself one of
Mike's famous punishments--

For the next two weeks,

he had to stay within 5 feet
of a parent at all times.

Oh, my God, Mike.
It's 2009.

What?! Already?

Yeah, Mike. 2009.

How did this happen?

No payments till 2009.

No payments till 2009.

No payments till 2009.

The economy's gonna be
great by then.

Great.
Now with interest,

we owe $650 on a VCR

we sold at the garage sale
last year for 2 bucks.

You know what?

It'll be fine.

It's fine.

It'll be fine.
We're fine.

These things have a way
of working themselves out.

As long as the dryer hangs on
and I sell a car this month,

we're gonna be fine.

Fortunately, out here, you always
have neighbors you can count on...

Hi. Would it be okay if I
just threw in a quick dry?

Hi. Hate to bother.
Just one more quick load?

And when that fails...

Hello? Hello? I'm hurt,
and my mom and dad aren't home.

I'll just do this quick load
while you try to find them.

You won't even know
I'm here.

So the busted dryer piled
on to the whole 2009 thing

meant we were gonna have
to cut corners fast.

First up,
a trip to the Frugal Hoosier,

Indiana's number one
expired food store.

So are we, like,
poor now?

No, we're not poor.
We're just thrifty.

We're trying something new
called living within our means.

You mean we've been
living outside our means?

Oh, God.

You should be thanking me.

Listen, smart consumers--
They're the kids who are popular.

Brick, shake some
of those unmarked cans

and see if you can find peas.
Okay?

We're listening for peas,
people.

Hi, Bob.

Frankie, hi.
It's me, Bob.

Listen, Ehlert is
throwing a major hissy.

He's calling everybody in for
some emergency meeting at 1:00.

1:00? Are you kidding me?
I was barely making it at 3:00.

Unh-unh. No fish.

You've gotta
get in here.

I don't know
what it's about,

and I'm--I'm just
freaking out here.

Okay, I'll call Mike
at the quarry

and figure something out
with the kids.

I'll be there as soon as I can.
Just breathe.

Okay, kids, new plan.
Gotta get to work early.

But what about the pool?

You promised you'd watch me
practice for swim tryouts.

And you said you would
take me to the library.

"The Wheel of Nuldoid"--

I have to check it out
before anybody else gets it.

You promised.

Promised.

Okay, I know I didn't promise that
many things. I'm not that nice.

Listen, we'll swing
by the library,

and then when your father
gets home from work,

he'll take you
to the pool.

But if you kids ever want
to eat name brand food again,

I have to get to work.

Come on.
Let's move it.

I love this book.
I love this book. I love this book.

I hate my life.
I hate my life. I ha--

You got 5 feet, mister.
Use all of it.

Uh-oh. You have a fine.

Oh, that's no problem.
How much?

We're in kind of a hurry.

$189.

You're kidding.

I'm sorry,
but there is no way

that we can pay
that fine right now.

I mean,
our dryer just broke,

and I haven't sold a car,
and it's 2009.

Right.
Next in line.

Mom, don't they know
who you are?

Flash her
your Frugal Hoosier card.

Listen, my son
is a very odd kid.

Books
are everything to him.

He has no friends.

I'm sorry,
but until you pay the fine,

you're banned.

Oh... and your library
card has been flagged.

Have a nice day.

You know what?

This is a good thing.

Your teacher says you need
more social interaction.

And besides,
you're not watching enough TV.

You don't want
to be the only kid

who doesn't know
who won "The Bachelor."

Yep, there I was,
still cheerleading,

from a hole getting so deep
I could barely see the sky.

Hey, did
you cover for me?

I told them that you had a
pregnancy scare on the way in

and also that
you burst an aneurysm.

You should know that I do
not think he bought it.

Curler.

But trailing even the most pathetic
of you is our newest employee,

Frances Heck.

Her sales record
is minus one.

Negative uno vehiculo--

That's mexican for
"not good."

Well, you know,
there is recession on.

Enough of
your Communist whining.

It's always somebody else's fault--

the economy,
your mama didn't breast-feed you,

the government won't let you
marry a houseplant.

Now I want to hear some
suggestions to perk up business.

And don't anybody
say free mugs.

Well, I'll throw
your stragglers a bone.

How about a free AK-47
with every sale?

People love guns.

You really want
to arm our customers?

Anybody else?

Oh! Here's a thought--

I was just in
the Frugal Hoosier,

and they have these Ronald Reagan
inaugural jelly beans--

50 cents a bag.

How about we fill
a car with them

and let people guess
how many for a prize?

I don't know.
Thought it'd be fun.

Hmm. Clever...

Patriotic...

Cheap.

You know, I was gonna fire you
right after the meeting,

but I think I'll just move
that Post-It to next week.

Hear that, Pete?

Not fired for another week.
Yeah, baby.

So while I was busy hanging on
to my job by my fingernails...

Yeah, so good.

Cannonball!

At least I knew
my family was having fun

at the Orson Aquatorium.

Axl, you getting in?

Pool's queer.

Brick, how about you?
You getting in?

Swimming's no fun
without a book.

Then what the hell
am I doing here?

Come on, Brick.
Look at those boys.

They're having fun.

Mom says
I'm supposed to interact.

So can I tell you
the plot of the book

I wasn't allowed
to check out?

Chapter one:
"Grampa's Story."

"Grampa Worst
was old and dying--"

Oh! Oh, daddy!

I'm ready for you
to watch me swim now.

Hey, finally.

At least one of my kids is
actually getting in the pool.

"He was dying of something
old people die of."

So you got it.

All right, Sue! Come on, kid.
Show us how it's done.

Hi, guys!

Did you have fun
at the pool?

Dad said that
I suck at swimming

and I shouldn't try out
for swim team.

Then I bought you
a creamsicle.

So then the Nuldoids
kidnap this kid

and take him
to the bowels of the Earth.

Speaking of bowels,
what's for dinner?

Hey, no complaints.

That chicken or beef stew
last night was great,

and we all kept
that down.

Not completely true.

And after
the giant tunnel hole,

they go to the ancient slide
of the Droiden Frobble dynasty.

Okay, Brick, honey,
great social interaction today.

Now please go find a book.

There must be one book in
the house you haven't read.

Okay.

Hey, champ.

Mom says I've had enough
social interaction today.

Okay. Catch you later.

I was still mad at Mike,

but I have
a pretty good poker face.

Frankie, you weren't there.

You weren't at the pool.
She was bad. She was...

rhythmic dance team
tryout bad.

All right, well,
just because she sucks

doesn't mean you should
tell her that she sucks.

What do you think that
does for her self-esteem?

You know, I thought I was
taking 'em to the pool.

If I had known it was gonna be
anything about self-esteem,

I wouldn't have done it.

What do you want?

5 feet, Dad.

What should I have
done, Frankie--

Lie to her?

Since when did telling
the truth become a bad thing?

Sue's a sensitive young girl
who needs to be treated delicately.

Her emotions
are right on the surface.

She's not Axl.

We're her parents, Mike.

It's our job to cheer her on,
no matter what.

Hey, I love my daughter,

and I'm not gonna
have her made fun of.

If someone's gonna
dash her hopes,

damn it,
it should be her family.

Mom, Dad,
guess what?

They did an eye test
today at school,

and I need glasses.

In retrospect,
I guess there were signs.

Oh, I only want one.
I don't need both of them,

but thanks.

I got it!

Isn't it exciting?

I've always wanted glasses!

Mike, don't you see
what this means?

That we're never getting
a new dryer?

No, this explains why Sue never
makes anything. She's blind.

Oh, Mike.

See, you never know what's
gonna happen in life.

That's why you don't
dash someone's dreams.

Right.
That's why you c--Hey!

Mom?

Which part of me is
my hungering manhood?

If the library fines
were half a dryer...

Glasses were
a whole dryer...

But luckily, the Frugal Hoosier
has an optical department

and no mirrors.

Dork.

Dork.

I would never stop
punching you.

Knock it off.

She's a young girl with
emotions all over her surface

or something like that.

Anyway, our job is
to cheer her on.

Oh, my God.
Those look so great.

Seriously. I think you should
really, really buy them.

Okay.
Guess these are the ones.

There is no stopping me
on swim team now.

Y-you're still trying out?

Yeah. Mom told me
you said I shouldn't try out,

'cause you wanted to test
how much I really wanted it.

Well, I want it, Dad,

now more than ever.

Well, if that's
what your mom said,

then I'm sure
that's what I meant.

All right, that's it.

It's all that'll fit.

Oh, doesn't this look great?

I think this is
really gonna be...

Frankie,

your husband is
on line one.

He wants
to take a shower

and needs you on the line
with Axl till he's out.

Hey, that is
his punishment!

Tell him to make Axl
put on a bathing suit

and get
in there with him.

So how's it going out here?

Oh. Uh, Mr. Ehlert, sir.

Hard at work.

It may look like fun,
but it's--it's work, work, work.

You did good, Frances.

Since this was your idea,

my commission on the first sale
of the day goes to you.

You're kidding.

Oh, Mr. Ehlert, you don't know
how much this means to me.

My daughter Sue needs glasses
and our dryer--

Already stopped listening.

So, uh, how many
jelly beans are in there?

Okay, so we forgot the little detail
of counting the jelly beans.

I wasn't gonna let
that set us back.

There's a solution
for everything.

425,362 jelly beans.

Wow.

Isn't he smart?
He is so smart.

Damn it,
he deserves a book.

I may not be able
to afford a new dryer.

But I could figure out
a way to get my kid his book.

Plus, I had to keep him
out of my bookshelf.

And then when the Rakish
count stormed into the room,

her bosom heaved.

That means she threw up.

Kid!

Yeah. Come here.

How'd you like
to check out

this book for me
on your card, huh?

No, no.
You don't have to tell anybody.

It'll just be
our little secret.

I don't know.

Oh, come on.
What's gonna happen?

Nothing.
I promise.

I have jelly beans.

Okay.

Great. Here.
And remember,

don't take candy
from strangers.

I mean, I'm okay,
but in the future, don't do it.

I'll be waiting for you
in the bushes.

It was the day
of the big event,

and my idea
was a huge success.

If that don't beat all--

A whole car
full of jelly beans.

You know,
I have been all over this county,

and I ain't never seen
anything like it.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah?

Is the actual
jelly bean car for sale?

I just think
it's a hoot and a half.

Well, yes, it is.

And--and after
the big event is over,

I'd be happy
to make you a great deal.

- Oh, okay. Thank you.
- Here.

Oh, thanks.

Yep, we were
gonna be okay.

2009 might have
started out bad,

but I was working
my way back

to zero one
jelly bean at a time.

And that...

Hey. What do you think
you're doing?

You're outside the limit.

Bring it in 4 inches.

There you go.

Ladies and gents,

thanks for coming
to Ehlert Motors.

We've got great deals
on all our vehicles,

so please,
don't rush off.

We've got many
knowledgeable salesman

and a woman
to show you around.

All right,
now for the winner.

There were 425,362
jelly beans in the car.

So the closest guess,

with 12,001 is...

Cecil Hagen!

Well, if
that don't beat all.

Congratulations.

Hey, I won!

Now, kids,
when that door opens,

you go ahead

and scoop up all
the jelly beans you can hold.

Frances, would you
like to do the honors?

Me?

Oh.
Well, it was my idea.

Okay, everybody ready?

Ready?

A little stuck.

Open it.

Just a... Okay,
everything's okay.

It's just a little
warm out today,

so the jelly beans
just need a little--

little bit of help
to get out, and...

No, no, no, no.
No, don't go.

No, don't go.
Wait. No.

Oh, this will clean up
really great.

You can still buy it.

I'll give you a great deal.
A gr--

Well, this just proves
that sometimes

the best man for the job...
is a man.

I'll put the cost of clean up
on your tab, Frances.

This roughly makes you....
negative two.

No, no. No, no,
I can fix it.

Look. Here.
Wait. Wait.

Damn it. I was so close
to getting us out of this hole,

but it's just getting deeper.

And now I was supposed
to go cheer Sue

on in swim team tryouts?

Whoo-frickin'-hoo.

Where's Sue?

Did I miss the tryouts?

Mike,

I thought
he was punished.

He lured her
into the perimeter.

What could I do?

What is he doing?

I whored myself
for that book.

I promised it would be
returned safely.

Hey, it got him
into the pool.

Are those jelly beans
in your hair?

Brick, Brick, float very
carefully over to the side.

I need that book
out of the pool.

Mom, mom!
You made it!

I'm up.

Oh, Sue, yeah.
Yeah,

I made it.
I made it.

I'm here now.

Swim for me, baby!

Okay. All right.

Go, Sue! Go, Sue!

It wasn't her eyes.
Mike was right.

She sucked.

Okay, it's fine.
It'll be fine.

Yeah, we're fine.
We're fine.

It's fine.

Tornado!

Oh, come on!

It can't be a tornado.

It's a beautiful,
sunny day.

I hate Indiana weather.

Mom, are
we gonna be okay?

I don't know.

I don't know if we're
gonna be okay, Sue.

I really don't.

Frankly, I have
no evidence that we will.

That's not what
you're supposed to say.

Oh, I know.
I know.

I'm just supposed
to pick you all up

and tell you
everything's gonna be fine.

But you know what?
I don't know anymore!

You want
to know the truth?

Your dad's big on truth.

Basically, our lives
suck right now.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

2009 has been
a rotten, rotten year.

We can't afford
a new dryer.

We can't afford
unexpired food.

I can't even afford the
LCD light-up angel

that I ordered on the TV to
surprise you all at Christmas.

Surprise!

If I don't sell a car,
that means no job.

That also means
maybe no house,

but the tornado will probably
blow it all away anyway.

Oh, my God.
Let's just pack it all in.

Let's just give you kids
to Madonna or something.

Your dad and I will go live
in a tent city somewhere,

because the truth is,
we are screwed!

But it's fine.
No, I--Everything's fine.

We'll be fine.

Frankie.

We'll get through.

Yeah.

Wow. Who knew I was living with
my own personal cheerleader?

Mike was right.

We would get through,

same as always.

'Cause it doesn't matter
how big the storm

or how much stuff
gets blown your way--

If you have each other,
that's everything.

'Cause there's nothing
more important than--

Holy crap!
Is that a dryer?

You see it, too,
right, Mike?

The tornado
gave us a dryer.

Quick. Get it inside
before anybody sees.

Oh, my. Whoo!

Our luck started to
turn around after that.

Some stupid bank
actually approved us

for a brand-new
credit card,

so we paid off
Brick's library fines...

We were able
to afford contacts for Sue,

and she actually made
the swim team--

Well, 34th alternate.

And the best part of
the new credit card?

No payments till 2012.

And I'm sure by 2012,

everything's gonna be great.

Okay. See, this is why
you never give up hope--

because
anything is possible.

I mean, you just never know
what's gonna happen.

You just gotta hang in
there and believe and--

Hot damn!
There's even clothes in there!