The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

"Pilot"

Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me?

Oh, damn it.

Come on!

Some people call this
the middle of nowhere...

You know, one of
those places you fly over

on your way from somewhere
to somewhere else,

but you wouldn't live here.

Folks, right now we're flyingover
the great state of Indiana,

if you'd like
to take a look.



Well, look down next time, and you'll
see us down here in the middle--

Orson, Indiana,
heart of the heartland,

proud home
of Little Betty Snack Cakes,

the demolition derby for the homeless
and the world's largest polyurethane cow.

So how'd I end up in the middle
of the road in this getup?

Here? No.

Bars! I got bars.

Guess it all started
a couple of weeks ago,

and no, I'm not
an actual superhero,

not unless you count
getting my kids out the door

for school every morning.

I made breakfast!

Come on, we're late!
Let's go, let's go!

That's my youngest--
Brick.



You know how you think giving a kid
a cool name will make him cool?

It doesn't.

Okay, now listen.

Today at recess,
I don't want you

wandering around alone
on the perimeter, all right?

Makes you an easy target,
you know?

Like--like the gazelle that gets
separated from the pack.

You've gotta find yourself
a group of kids

and just stand
near them.

You know you're my hero,
right, Mom?

Thank you, honey.
Eat your pancake.

It's still frozen.

Well, lick it.
It'll last longer.

Hey, Mike, have you seen
that envelope

with my driver's license
from the DMV?

I need it for work.

Why is this place
such a mess?

That one over there
would be Axl.

Since he hit 15,
he hibernates in his room

and only comes out
to paw through our food

and shoot off
sarcastic comments.

Oh, we're
out of chips.

Nice job, Mom.

Yeah, I can't hear you
if you don't have pants on.

Mom, where's my homework?

Uh-huh! Okay.

When did this happen?

Mike, look at this.
Look at this.

This is--I haven't had
my driver's license picture

taken in seven years,
okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Here's the old one.

Look at this.

What happened to me?

Uh, well, back then,
you were all young and shiny

and wondering
what your life's gonna be.

And now...
Well, now you know!

Mom!

Hey, come in here
if you want to talk to me.

Axl, put some pants on.
Here.

Okay, maybe it was
just a bad picture.

I mean, yikes.

Mike, does it ever bum you out that
I'm not young and shiny anymore?

Well, sure, honey.
It's a huge bummer,

but what are you gonna do?

Oh, shoot!

I wanted chips
for my lunch.

She didn't buy any.

Sue, grab a pancake.
We're late.

That's Sue.

She's been going through
a bit of an awkward stage...

for the past 13 years.

Mom, the dryer ate
my leg warmers again.

I told you, you can't put
wet things in the dryer anymore.

Well, I need 'em,
'cause guess what?

I'm trying out
for show choir this week.

I know, I know--

That's not an expression parents
should have on their faces

when their daughter tells them
she's trying out for something.

But see, Sue had a long history
of things she tried out for--

A long and...
painful history.

Show choir.

Wow, super.

That--that should be
fun to try out for.

Now listen, Dad's gonna
fix the dryer again,

but right now, I just need
everybody to go.

Let's get out the door.
Come on.

- Let's go, let's go!
- Mom.

That driver's license picture was
a big wake-up call from the DMV.

Somehow the life had been
sucked right out of me.

But who or what
had sucked it?

- Mom, he's not giving my bag back!
- Mom, Mom, Mom.

- Mom! Mom!
- Mom.

We did teach 'em
the word "Dad," didn't we?

We're a two-job family.

Mike manages a bunch of
boneheads down at the quarry.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

And my latest job
I'm too smart for,

is selling cars at Orson's
last surviving car dealership.

Well, well, well.

What a month, huh?

Frankie, don't let him
intimidate you.

He may be the king
of sales around here,

but he's been rejected by
the Elks Lodge twice.

I'm not gonna say
by who.

- It was me.
- Really?

I told them that
he's a pedophile.

- No.
- Yeah. He's not.

He's not a pedophile.
He's not.

- Wait, Bob.
- What?

Okay, this check
can't be right.

This is lower than the amount
I spent on gas to get here.

Ain't nothing wrong with
the check, Frances.

That there
is your base salary,

and that's what it's gonna stay
until you sell a car

and get a commission.

Now one week left
in the month.

You sell a car, or you may be
out on your keister.

Yeah. Yeah.

I, um...
but listen, I mean,

my keister's having a little
cash flow problem right now.

I may not have sold a car yet,
but I've come real close.

See that buck up there?

He came real close
to not being hit by a bullet.

You see
what I'm saying?

By the way, did you ever
get a new driver's license?

We gotta post them,

and that old one
didn't look a thing like you.

Oh, yeah.
Now that's you.

I see myself
as kind of a matchmaker

for people and vehicles,

and I just have a feeling
about you and this little cutie.

Why don't we take it
for a test drive and--

Frankie, you have
a call on line one.

Your son's school
is on line one.

Hurt, or just in trouble?

'Cause if
it's just in trouble,

can you ask him
if I call him back?

Yeah, this is Frankie Heck.
Is everything okay?

You said you were
gonna pick him up.

No, you said you were.

I even put a post-it
on your thermos.

Is that
what that means?

There's birthday cake
in the break room.

It's angel food.

Feel that?
Uh, take a left right here.

Pretty smooth, huh?

That's 150 horsepower.

And did I tell you
about our recession deals?

Oh, get in the right lane and
pull over, pull over, pull over!

Quick, quick!
Get in, get in, get in!

Brick, honey,
how do you like those seats?

They're amazing.

They also come with
optional leather trim

and preferred suede inserts.

And if you buy today,
I'll throw the inserts in for free.

Mom, are you crazy?

That's a $600 value.

At least
you're still my hero.

Aww, thanks, pal.

I made dinner!

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Hey, Underpants, you think
you're too good for us?

We are a family,

and we are going to
eat together as a family.

This is
Dancing With the Stars.

Okay, quick, let's hear
about everybody's day.

Mine sucked.
Next.

Well, ahem,
I'm trying to decide

what number I should do
for my show choir audition.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Does it really matter
what song you pick?

'Cause there's no way
you're gonna make it.

- Mom!
- Mike.

Axl.

You know, your brother's
just trying to say

you should just choose
whatever you want.

Now me, I like a quick-song.
Quick, leave 'em wantin' more.

You have a meeting with
my teacher on Monday.

What?

It's imperative that you
both be there, she says.

Imperative!

Who's he whispering to?
Why does he do that?

I thought I told you
to knock that off.

I like it.
It soothes me.

Okay, what teacher's meeting?

I didn't even
get a note.

Oh, my God,
you're so weird.

- Mom!
- Mike.

Axl.

Yeah, well, from what
I can tell, it is Monday.

Okay,
we both work Monday.

Sorry.
Sorry.

Sorry.

Did I tell you Hank at the quarry
found his finger today?

Oh, really?
That's good.

Mom, Dad.

Are you guys
disappointed in me?

You know,
'cause I never make anything?

Oh, sure
I'm disappointed, hon.

This is, like, the 12th thing
you've tried out for.

I mean, I love not
having to go to the events.

I'm thinking maybe I won't
try out for show choir...

if you guys
don't think I should.

Of course she shouldn't.

Show choir in Indiana
has always been huge.

Next to basketball,
its combination of singing

and Broadway-caliber
choreography

is the most cutthroat
competition around.

I didn't want
to see her get hurt,

but then I looked
at her young and shiny face

not beaten down yet
by busted dryers

and mean bosses
with guns...

- Go for it.
- Hmm?

- You really--you really think so?
- No.

Dad?

This could be
your year.

Okay! Cool.

We are so screwed.

Brick is a very
quirky child...

Maybe clinically quirky, even.

We have no idea
what you mean.

We knew exactly
what she meant.

Happy birthday to you!

Mrs. Rettig, Mrs. Rettig,
I want to tell you

something funny
I did the other day.

Well, that may be because

you haven't spent much time
here in the classroom.

Are we supposed to?

I mean, isn't that
the point of school--

That between 8:00 and 3:00,
he's your problem?

If he, you know, eats
his napkin at dinner,

we don't call you and ask you
to come over to our house.

Look, I would love to spend
more time here, but I work.

I'm at work right now.

Brick's a very bright boy,

but we feel he could benefit from
a series of more formal tests--

Okay, look,
Brick isn't your typical kid,

but he is funny and sweet
and probably a genius.

Okay, so he doesn't fit into
your cookie-cutter mold.

But that doesn't mean
that he needs fixing.

Our oldest son had a completely
pointed head until he was six.

Like a candy corn.

And so what,
we got some funny looks

when we took him
to the mall?

You know
what we did about it?

Nothing.

And eventually, it just
flattened out all on its own.

I think what we're trying
to say here is,

thanks for your concern,

but our Brick doesn't need
any special anything.

- He's fine.
- Mm-hmm.

His best friend
is his backpack.

I just hope he's weird enough
that our insurance covers it.

How happy are you
with your car?

First a busted dryer,
now a busted kid.

I needed to sell a car now
more than ever.

And if Ehlert caught me
sneaking in and out,

he'd nail my keister
to his wall.

Mr. Ehlert was looking
for you, Frankie.

Where you been?

Here.
Right here.

Just, uh, working
with this fine woman

who's interested
in this fine car.

Actually, I am interested
in this car.

Get outta town.

But I was just wondering
if a convertible is too wild for me.

Are you kidding me?

Wild on the outside,
but dependable on the inside.

Yeah, you know what?

- I consider myself a matchmaker--
- Frankie, call on line one.

- For people and vehicles...
- It's your husband.

And you look like
the type of person--

He sounds pretty mad.

He's at Axl's school.

He needs you to go back
and pick up Brick.

Oh, come on!

No, he is supposed
to pick up Brick!

Axl is at football
until 5:00!

Tell him to read
his damn thermos!

Oh, look, look, I can always
come back another day.

- No!
- No, I'm a mom, too.

I know what it's like.

All sales personnel,
the doughnuts are here.

Now you're suspended
for three games?

What the hell is
the matter with you?

What did he do?

He called his football coach
a moron.

You always call him
a moron.

He called for a bomb
on 4th and 1.

You think you're some
sort of a big shot

just 'cause
you play ball?

Well, the smart-mouth
attitude goes today.

Whatever.

That's it!
Go to your room.

No, wait. You like your room.
Go to Sue's room!

Moron.

Damn it.

If only he had, like,
a car or a TV or a cell phone--

something good we could
take away from him.

- I know.
- Mom, you're my hero.

That's nice, honey,
but we're trying to think up

a good punishment
for your brother.

You'll need a costume.

- Costume.
- Huh?

I'm doinga book report
on Superwoman.

You have to come dress
like her Monday

so I can show and tell you
as part of my project.

You can also come
as Jungle Girl,

but I'd have
to do it today.

Damn it, Brick, you've gotta
tell me these things earlier.

I did!

I've been telling you
all week you're my hero.

Didn't you listen?

Whatever!

Honey, okay, listen.
I'm sorry.

- Honey, come back here.
- Oh, let him be.

What is happening?

I used to think I was
a pretty good mom, and now...

God, I really--
I don't know.

Hey, come on.
You're a great mom.

So Brick is weird, and
Sue has no recognizable talent,

and Axl's flushing his future
down the toilet.

- All kids are screwed up.
- Yeah,

not the Donahues
across the street.

No. Those kids are awesome.

I know.

I did it.
I made show choir!

- You did?
- Yeah!

You sure, honey?

Is it actually
written down somewhere?

Yes, yes!

And they already
rotated me in,

so I gotta learn everything
super quick

for our first competition
this Friday.

Oh, my God!

This is huge!

Oh, honey, that's great!

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

All right, well, I'd better
get my homework done,

because I am going
to be so busy.

Either Sue does have
some talent,

or we have one
crappy show choir.

This called
for a celebration.

Sue, I'm just
so proud of you.

I never thought
you'd make anything.

Here's a dollar.

Thank you!

Hey, come on,
everybody!

It's getting kind of cold.

We should all get inside
and eat together as a family.

Move that bus!

Oh, my.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

fresh from
their knockout performance

at Hoosier Village Assisted
Living in Terre Haute...

The Orson Swingsations!

[ SONG: Get This Party Started
ARTIST: Pink ]

- Do you see Sue?
- No.

Where the hell is she?

She's on the crew.

What?

Oh, that's great!

The only thing lamer
than show choir

is being on the crew
for show choir.

Where's Sue?

She's in the--the middlish row
behind the pregnant girl.

Why didn't she tell us
she was only on the crew?

I don't know.

She does look
real happy, though.

That's my daughter--
That's my daughter right there.

Go, Sue!

One more.
One more.

Sue, the box.

The box.

No wonder my face
looks the way it does.

The Swingsation disaster
got Sue kicked off crew.

So when Brick said it was
the day of his book report...

Today's the day
of my book report.

I was at the end of my rope.
But what could I do?

I was the no-show mom whose kid's
best friend was his backpack.

I put on
my spanx and went.

Anybody call for Superwoman?

That's next Monday.

Okay, okay, come on.
Back to the story.

Hi, Bob.

Frankie.
Yeah, it's me, Bob.

Listen, that Gail woman--
She came back

to purchase a car.

She's looking for you.

But that dummy Pete--

He's moving in
for the kill.

He's plying her
with snow cones.

I don't think she can
hold out much longer.

She's on her second grape.

No, no!
That is my customer!

Listen, don't let her move.
I'm gonna be right there, okay?

Damn it.

And the braking system
is just, like, so great.

Because it, you know,
like, it stops really well,

and it's got this, I mean,
integrated steering wheel that--

that, like, you know,
you turn it,

and--and honk if
people get in the way,

- and it just--
- Frankie, are you okay?

You seem
a little... stressed.

Oh, no. I'm fine.
I'm perfect.

Uh, where was I?

Oh, the horn!
You're going to love the horn.

Listen to this.

Isn't that great?
I am a matchmaker.

Did I mention that?
For people and, um, wait.

See? Isn't that fabulous?

You know,
I'm a mom, too.

I know what it's like
to balance work and kids.

I've got three.

I've got three, too.

Isn't it hard?

It's really hard.

I'm just stretched so thin.
I feel like I can't do anything right.

Oh, I know.

Some days, I swear I just feel
like getting in the car

- and driving and driving...
- Yeah.

And never coming back.

Do you ever feel like that?

Only every day!

We made it! Yeah!

Pedal to the metal,
baby, all the way!

What was that?

What was what?

I think
we hit something.

Is something wrong
with the car?

Maybe you'd better check.

No, I'm sure it's fine.

I--no--yeah, no, no.
I'll check. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, I don't see anything.

Hey!

Sorry! I got
three kids in jail!

What?
No, wait!

You're not gonna
get away with this!

I've got your license
back at the office!

Oh, I bet that's not even
her real license.

Yeah, the picture
was too good.

Somebody call
for a ride?

Rough day?

That's the thing
about family.

Oh sure, they eat your food
and wreck your face,

you gotta save them
a thousand times a day,

for God knows what.

But every now and then,
they save you.

Not pretty fast
for a superhero.

- Are you okay?
- Wow! Nice tights.

Look at you.
Look at your mom.

Mom...

Here with your dinner.
We made it.

You make it
just like I do.

I love you, guys,
you know.

We know, Mom.

Hi. How come you never tell me
you love me?

I told you I loved you
the day I married you.

If anything had changed,
I'd let you know.

So, yeah...
Back then on the old license,

you know what my life
was gonna be.

And Mike's right.

And I know...
this is my life.

It's not gonna be
in People magazine or anything,

but you know what?

I got it good.

You have a meeting
with my gym teacher on Friday.

- Friday.
- Knock it off, freak.

- Mom!
- Mike.

- Axl.
- Dad.

- Frankie.
- Axl.

Wait, who are
we yelling at again?