The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Floating Anniversary - full transcript

"The Floating Anniversary"

This was supposed
to be my anniversary.

That's me in the car.

Don't wait up,

'cause I don't know
when I'll be home!

As much fun
as this looks,

a couple of days ago,
we had a different plan in mind.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, honey!

I don't have anything
for you.

I had long ago learned
not to get Mike presents.



What the hell is this?

What did you get me
this for?

I mean,
thanks, but...

Seriously
what did you spend on this?

You kept the receipt, right?

This was actually our
16th and 17th anniversary.

We kept postponing
the 16th

until it floated
right into number 17.

I know how busy
you've been,

and you saying how badly
you want to get away, so...

A trip to
the carpet remnants store.

I love it! Oh!

I know.

It's a little pathetic
to get so excited



about a carpet remnant,

but the rug in our bedroom
had some serious mileage on it.

I told you.
I wasn't kidding.

On Friday, I'm taking you
to French Lick.

We'll stay overnight at
the Route 33 motor lodge,

then we'll pick out
our remnant on Saturday

and head back home.

Oh! I love it.

Except for
the heading home part.

Nobody wants to see that.

I think old people
kissing is sweet.

All right,
I think we're done here.

Brick! Packed your lunch!
Let's go!

Hey, could I drive
to school today?

No, not today.

Your mom and I
have a lot to do,

plus we don't want to die.

If I don't get to practice driving,
I'm never gonna get my license.

That's why
we taught you to walk.

Tell you what--if you stop
by the lot after school,

I'll try to sneak you in
for a test-drive, okay?

- Okay.
- Come on, guys. Get going.

You don't want
to miss the bus.

- Let's go.
- Good-bye, Mom.

All right. Have a good day.
See you guys.

Hey--oh.

Mom, I don't feel good.

Uh-oh.

One sick kid could lead

to a whole house
full of sick by Friday,

and there
goes the anniversary.

You're fine. You're not sick.
Positive attitude.

A bus ride
will make you feel better.

I really don't feel good.

Okay.

If you have to throw up,
do it on Mommy's carpet.

The problem is,
I had to work that day.

But when you're a workin' mom,
you gotta get creative.

Okay, there's ginger ale
in the cupholder.

If you need anything,
honk twice.

I wish I could stay home
and watch TV

and have you make me soup.

Oh, sorry, honey.
Wrong family.

Is it against the rules
for me to be here?

Of course not.

Just keep your head
below the window.

Meanwhile, third period
at Sue's school was set aside

so kids could do whatever
clubs they had gotten into.

Since Sue didn't get
into any clubs,

she was sent to the front office
to make student I.Ds--

A job she referred to
as the lamination club.

I'm Brendan Nichols.
This is my first day.

Is this where
I get my I.D. made?

Are you okay?

I'm about done
being Mr. Nice Guy.

The month's almost over,
and sales are...

What in the name of
good God Almighty is that?

It's a houseplant.

A houseplant?

This is not your house.

How many times
have I told you?

No bringing
personal items into work!

The only thing
any of you

need to be worrying about
taking care of is me.

You don't need
a houseplant

stealing your focus from
what you should be working on--

selling cars!

I'm sorry, sir,
I'm not thinking clearly.

I gave blood this morning.

Well, don't do it again.

It was very selfish
of me, sir.

Did they give you
a cookie?

Thanks.

Lou, did you see the red sedan
that was parked here?

Hear that engine?
This baby's got 260 horses.

Can we play
the radio?

Radio!

How could this
have happened?

I purposely put Brick
in the ugliest car

on the whole lot
and marked it up by 25%.

Frankie,
the, uh, "package"

that you left in the back
of the red sedan

has been placed
in the green hatchback,

and Pete says
it needs a Kleenex.

Frances, what the hell
is your son doing here?

Mr. Ehlert, I am so sorry.
It's just been the worst day.

Hey, Mom.

Oh. You're talking
about Axl...

who is here because
he got his learner's permit,

and we are thinking
of buying him a car.

All right! Well,
show him that yellow car.

It's got a tape deck.

You're buying me a car?

Wrong family.

Listen, honey,

this isn't the best day
for driving practice.

I have to find
your brother.

I'll take him out for you.

Are you sure?

Thank you, Bob.

He's really pretty good,
unless he has to turn.

Turn!

So, Ax,
I hear you play football?

Yeah.

I used to play
a little ball myself

when I was your age.

Those days,
they called it foosball.

Wrist used to swell up
something awful.

Seems like yesterday
I was right where you are now.

I tell you, though,

driver's license changes
the whole deal.

Once you're out of
that house, whoo, boy!

No family for me.

It's all Bob, all the time.

If I want to go
to the arcade again tonight

until it closes, I do it.

No family
wondering where I am.

I'm a bag in the wind.

Dude, are you crying?

Eyes on the road.

Hiding Brick all day
had worn me out.

I needed French Lick
now more than ever.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure.

I saw this boy today
at school...

Now I know I should have
been thrilled by this.

My daughter was telling me
about her first big crush.

But I was so tired,

all I could do was
pretend to listen.

When I tried
talking to him...

And then I saw
something amazing,

something I was
beginning to think

I'd never see
in my lifetime.

Brick was making
a sandwich.

Just this morning
he was sick,

and now an actual sandwich.

It was like that guy
who got hit by lightning

and suddenly knew
how to play the piano.

So what do you think?

Is it a good plan?

Uh, sure, honey.
That's a great plan.

Yay!

Brick, did you make
your own lunch?

Did it all by myself.

Hey!

And suddenly,
everything seemed hopeful.

There was one less thing
I would have to do tomorrow

and for the rest
of my life.

Brick would make sandwiches,
Axl would learn to drive,

and soon there would
be time for a trip

to the carpet remnants store
whenever I wanted...

Or so I thought.

- Hello?
- Frankie!

Oh, hi, Aunt Edie.

Uh-huh. Okay.
Be right over.

My aunts Ginny and Edie
had been smoking and coughing

for almost 70 years
without ever considering

there might be a connection
between the two.

Damn arthritis.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but here it is 6:00,

and we can't
open our medicine.

Oh, and another thing--
I failed my driving test today,

so you're going to have
to help get us around.

- What?
- I have a foot appoiment Tuesday,

and she has to get her wheelchair
tuned up on Thursday.

And while it's there,
you'll have to carry her around.

But don't worry.
She's not that heavy anymore.

Okay. Hold on.

I'm gonna have
to write this down.

And, dear,

could you make me
a sandwich?

I should have figured

this was the way
the world worked.

Soon as the kids gain
a shred of independence...

the old folks
spring a leak.

Lost another one.

Lost another one.

Shuttling everyone around
all week had made me nuts,

but at least I had
one thing to look forward to.

Okay, Mike.
I'm all packed for tonight.

Oh, but I need you
to swing by the mall at 5:00

and pick up Aunt Ginny
at the eyeglass place.

But we should be on
the road by 8:00, 8:30 tops.

Sounds like
somebody wants to get

to the Route 33
motor lodge.

Mike!

Do you two even know
what you look like?

Okay, listen, Axl,

you're in charge,

and I want you to know
we trust you.

Then I should have
the car keys

in case there's,
you know, an emergency.

I trust you with the kids,
not the car.

Blah.

Sue, what is that
you're wearing?

It's my idea for telling
Brendan that I like him.

R-remember?
You said it was a great plan.

Honey...

Hello?

We just heard
from the doctor.

It's emphysema.
Oh, Frankie!

I don't know how
I'm gonna live without her.

Calm down.
Just calm down.

I'll be right there.

Sue, just please
change the shirt.

We'll talk more later.

Aunt Ginny,
I am so sorry. I...

It's the dog?

The dog has emphysema?

Poor Doris.

How could this
have happened?

You're kidding, right?

Hey, the vet says

she has to be in
a smoke-free environment

until she regenerates
lung tissue.

What could I say?

So what,
now we're not going?

I-I don't know. I mean,
the kids can't watch her.

You can't leave her alone
for more than 15 minutes,

or she chokes
on her own saliva.

And someone has to change
the nicotine patch,

because she's going
through withdrawal.

Perfect.

Look, I want to go
on the trip, Mike.

Believe me,
I need this trip, okay?

I eat standing up
at the counter.

I've been reading
the same one article

in "People" magazine
for a month.

No one wants to get away
more than me.

Your problem is,
you're letting these people

control your whole life.
Aunt Ginny has a son.

Well, you know
Travis is in prison.

And Aunt Edie's kid
fried his brain huffing paint.

He's literally the village
idiot of Terre Haute.

What about your mom?

Mom's in Des Moines
taking care of Grandma.

How the hell long do
people live in your family?

You do for family, Mike.

That's all there is to it.

Maybe if you did
a little less for family,

they'd start dying off,

and we could have
a damn vacation.

Oh! Hello?

What?

No, no,
I've been at work all day.

Mike was supposed to...

Okay, just stay put.

I-I'll be right there.

You forgot
to pick up Aunt Ginny.

You forgot
to remind me.

How many times
do I have to remind you?

Do you want me to pin a note
to your shirt like a child?

No, you should have
stuck it on my thermos,

like you always do.

I'm gonna go pick up
Aunt Ginny.

Could you please remember
to take the dog outside

so it can do
its business?

- The dog's in a diaper.
- It doesn't know it's in a diaper!

It'll only go if it's outside!
God.

And so that's
how Mike and I

had a big, ol' nasty fight

on what should have been
the loving celebration

of our 16th and
17th anniversaries.

And don't wait up,

'cause I don't know
when I'll be home!

Diapering a damn dog.

Where's Mom?

Driving the old-mobile.

Well, can I ask you
a question about a boy?

I'd rather you not.

Okay, okay.
No, it's okay.

Well, his name is
Brendan.

I'm trying
to get his attention.

Well, don't do anything sexual.
Boys hate that.

Well, what did Mom do

when she wanted you
to notice her?

Well, with your mother,
it was the other way.

She didn't know
I was alive.

I had to make a grand gesture,
so I went to a friend's barn...

"Lisa"?

Well, your mom didn't like me
very much when we first met,

so she told me
her name was Lisa.

But hey, it got me here,
didn't it?

Wow.
A grand gesture, huh?

Thanks, Dad.

Yep. It got me here.

So how was
the big weekend?

Didn't happen.

Mike and I
got in this big fight.

I mean, he says
I try to take on too much

with the kids
and my aunts,

but what am I
supposed to do?

Everybody needs
something from me.

That must be hard...

Being needed.

I could tell you
about my life,

but I don't want
to make you jealous...

Ever mention how
I'm a bag in the wind?

I'm just so tired,
and now Mike's mad at me.

Hey, before you can take care
of your relationship,

you need
to take care of you.

You're exhausted,

and you need to take
a little break, all right?

- Right now.
- I can't!

Of course you can.
You deserve it.

The world's
not gonna stop turning

if you take 15 minutes.

Ehlert will be all over me
'cause I didn't make the coffee.

I'll do it, all right?

That's my anniversary gift
to you, all right?

Go. Enjoy.

Bob was right.
I did need 15 minutes.

I mean, it wasn't French Lick,
but it was something.

When it was over...

I knew that had been the most
worthwhile 15 minutes of my life.

Sometimes you don't know
how badly

you need
something until--

What the--

Who in the hell
made the coffee?

Mom, where are you?

Mom, Mom!

Mom,
I am so, so sorry.

Are you all right?

All right, all right.
Hold on. One at a time.

It is the most
humiliating thing

that has ever happened
to anyone.

Honey, I'm sure
it's not as bad as that.

It was.

Bit by bit, I was able to piece
together what had happened.

It seems the phrase
"grand gesture"

had stayed with Sue
after her talk with Mike.

Um, this is Sue Heck

with a special message
for Brendan Nichols.

# Why do birds #

# suddenly appear #

# Every time #

# you are near? #

# Just like me,
they long to be #

# Close to you #

It was a girl's
worst nightmare.

Everyone in the school
was laughing

about that ridiculous
Sue Heck.

The only bright spot was
no one knew who Sue Heck was.

Meanwhile,
Axl was offered

a rare chance
to practice his driving.

Hey, Mom. Uh, Aunt Edie asked
me to drive her to the mall,

so if you don't call me back
and say no in 60 seconds,

I'll assume
you're okay with it.

While at the same time,

Brick had decided
to take the dog for a pull

to show off
the many sights of Orson.

This is my favorite place.

You're the first person--or dog--

that I've ever brought here.

Apparently,
Brick's favorite place

was also Sue's
favorite place to cry.

Sue?

Oh, no. Doris!

Uh, Aunt Edie,
I don't think that's okay.

It's all right.
It's my driving beer.

Isn't that Doris?

Ma'am, I already spoke
to your aunt,

but I need to clear up
a few things with you.

I understand your children

were trying to get
in touch with you?

I am so sorry.

I just turned off my phone
for 15 minutes.

You turned off
your phone

but you're a mom.

I just needed a break.

From what?
Being a mom?

No. Well, yes.

Okay. I just have
one question for you.

Why didn't a single one of you
think to call your father?

Dad hates it
when we call him at work.

And so I decided
to stop fighting it.

Maybe Queen Elizabeth
or Julia Roberts

could take 15 minutes
in the bathroom

with maxi pads
on their eyes

or plan a trip to
the carpet remnants store,

but not me.

I had flown too close
to the sun,

and I had paid the price.

Frankie, I've got to show you
someting in the car.

What, now?

So what did you
wanna show me?

Buckle up!

What, Mike?
Wait, what are you doing?

It's our
almost-18th anniversary,

I'm taking you to French Lick
and buying you a carpet remnant.

Mike, okay, look.
Stop!

Look, you can't just do this.

This is crazy!

I don't even have
my phone.

What about the kids?

And--and Aunt Ginny
and Aunt Edie?

Took care of it.

Turns out,
after all these years,

Mike's a genius.

Okay!
Time to turn off the TV.

And have a little
family conversation.

So who watched
last week's Wife Swap?

Alright, I'll tell you
all about it.

So there's this couple,
right--

Mike was able to get
Bob to give up

his free-wheeling
bag-in-the-wind lifestyle

and have a family
for one night.

Again, I'm not trying
to hurt you.

I'm just trying to tell you
about the best episode.

- I loved it!
- And as for Mike and I,

Happy?

Yeah.

- Route 33 motor lodge?
- Never disappoints.

And the remnants?

So beautiful.

No natural fibers.

It's a shame
we have to take it home

and let it get
all covered with...

life.

You're right.

I think we need
to take 15 minutes.

This isn't
the easiest phase of life.

You've got young people
and old people

pulling at you
from both directions.

But it's not so bad

as long as you've got
somebody in there with you.

And that's something you gotta
remember to celebrate.