The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 10 - Christmas - full transcript

"Christmas"

"Dear friends and family"...

"Merry Christmas!
2009 has been a busy

"and exciting year
for the Hecks.

"Last summer, I lost my job
in the dental office

"but was lucky enough to land
a new, thrilling job

"selling cars, and thanks
to his years of hard work,

"Mike got a promotion
at the quarry

and is now manager."

Carl blew his arm off,
can't type.

Congratulations.
You're the new manager.



"Even Axl, who's now 15, has
recently joined the workforce,

"and we're having
so much fun

watching him take on
this new responsibility."

Excuse me, sir.

I believe
I'm done with this plate.

"And Sue, 13,
is busy with..."

"Sue made..."

"Sue tried out for..."

"Sue has a boyfriend."

Ugh. I wish
I didn't have to leave,

but I have to get up
so early tomorrow.

Show choir's performing

at the Little Betty Snack
cake factory in the morning.

We get to wear hairnets
and everything.



Lucky!

Well...
good night.

"But nothing says Christmas
like the wonder and magic

on our little boy
Brick's face."

I just don't understand
Christmas.

It's like we're
supposed to be happy,

but how can
we possibly enjoy it

knowing that
it's all so... fleeting?

Fleeting.

Brick, what are you
talkin' about?

You love Christmas.

Do I?

Ah, the first tradition
of the holiday season--

The putting off
of the christmas letter.

¶ La la la la la la la ¶

But he's 8.

8-year-olds are supposed
to be happy at Christmas.

¶ La la la la la la la ¶

Plus he's whispering
to himself more often.

Don't let it stress you out.

Yeah, that's easy
for you to say.

You don't have kids.
Trust me, as a parent,

you're only as happy
as your least happy kid.

¶ La la la la la la la ¶

- Thank God I don't have kids.
- I'm so proud of you.

- I just roam the Earth alone.
- Shh!

Eyes on me, please,
people.

Thank you. As you know,
next week we'll be having

tryouts for
the midnight mass solo.

I don't know why they even
bother with tryouts.

Everybody knows Melanie Howard's
just gonna get it anyway.

Tell me about it.
Voice like an angel

and married to an orthodontist.
She's so friggin' blessed.

- Shh! Quiet.
- I'll see you at the tryouts.

Oh, and I have
some sad news.

Melanie Howard
has throat polyps!

Yes!

You didn't get this excited
when my uncle had 'em.

Ohh. I have been in
that choir for 15 years,

and for 15 years, Melanie Howard
has hogged all the solos.

Now she has polyps,
and the field is wide open.

Oh. There you are.

Oh, ahoy, matey!

So I signed you up
to bring in pies

for the Team Christmas party,
which is tonight at 8:00, and, uh...

I'm out of underwear.

But you said you would
take me to the mall

to pick out
Brad's Christmas present.

He said he wanted body scrub
with papaya and ylang-ylang.

Okay, I'll take you
to the mall.

Thank you.

Who am I kidding? There's no way
I can try out for that solo.

Why not?

Because a s-solo involves
a lot of extra practices,

and I just can't
take that on right now.

It's Christmas! It's the most
stressful holiday of the year.

- I can do it.
- Do what?

Handle Christmas.

Oh, right.
You can handle Christmas?

You can't handle Christmas.

All you gotta do
is get organized.

Your problem is
you're not organized.

You don't even make lists.

Right, that's my problem.
I'm not organized.

I happen to have a pocketful of
Post-Its that says otherwise.

Trust me, Mike,

you have no idea
what Christmas involves.

There is shopping, wrapping,
baking, taking the aunts

to the Assisted Living
Christmas dance.

Sounds like
a piece of cake.

I'm on a holiday schedule
till New Year's. Bring it on.

What was
the first thing--

- Shopping?
- Yeah.

Hey, Axl, I'm going to the mall.
Did you do your Christmas list?

Cash, a cell phone
and to be left alone.

Brick.

Did you make your list
for Santa?

What I really want this year
are some answers.

What's the true meaning
of Christmas?

Are we here
for a reason?

What is
the purpose of life?

How about a bike?

Hey, Mom,
can I ask you something?

Sure.

The thing is, Brad and I have
been going out for a month now,

and he still
hasn't kissed me.

I sure like that kid.

Well, maybe he's just shy,

or, you know,
a gentleman.

Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably it.

Did you know he owns
his own top hat and tails?

- Wow.
- Oh, nice.

Maybe we should have told Sue
the truth about Brad.

But it was
a little hard to do

when Brad didn't even
know the truth yet.

Welcome, friends.

Before we begin,
please join me in praying

for a member of our congregation--
Melanie Howard.

May she make a quick recovery
from her throat polyps.

People talk about
the power of prayer.

But there's something
to be said

for the power
of not prayer as well.

Hey, everybody!
I got the solo! Whoo-hoo!

- Hey, that's great!
- Yeah, baby!

- Congratulations.
- Ohh.

Mike...
you put up the tree?

Yep.
Took me 20 minutes.

I don't know why it
always takes you so long.

But I like putting up
the tree.

It's one of
my favorite things.

It's something
we all do together.

Hey, did everyone
break an arm?

How come I'm the only one
decorating the tree?

Just think of
all the time I saved you.

I should check this
off the list.

Tree... check.

I'm kicking Christmas' ass.

Well, Mike was handling
Christmas all right.

Problem was he was
handling it a little too well.

Mike, why is there a snowman
in the front yard?

You're welcome.

But I love
making the snowman.

It is my favorite thing,

something
we all do together.

In case anybody cares,
I just made the damn snowman.

Hey, you said you wanted me
to take care of Christmas.

I'm taking care
of Christmas.

Hey, Dad!

Major upgrade
on the snowman.

Think I might actually
wait a few days

before I smash it
with my baseball bat.

Thanks, buddy.
How's work?

Awesome. My friends came by
and called me a seaman.

Livin' the dream.

Brick?

Brick, what are you doing
under there?

Looking at the lights, but their
beauty just makes me sad.

I know what will get you
in the Christmas spirit.

How about a visit
with Santa Claus?

Sure.
It's worth a shot.

Wait. You're taking him
to see Santa?

It's next on my list.

I'm tellin' ya,
the way I'm going,

I could have Christmas
wrapped up two days early.

I don't know what you're
always complaining about.

No, hang on.
I'm taking Brick to see Santa.

You can't go doing
all the fun stuff, Mike.

I never looked at it
that way.

I guess it is all
sort of futile, isn't it?

Here, taste this. I want to see
if there's enough cinnamon.

Okay.

Don't move.

Your lips
are really chapped.

Is that lipstick?

God, why does everybody
always ask me that?

It is glossy chapstick.

Hi, kids.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mrs. Heck.

Oh, my God. Mike!

The Christmas village?

I love setting up
the Christmas village.

All right, this is chaos.

The guy
with the newspaper

is supposed to go
in front of the bakery.

You got him lurking
around the school

like he's some kind
of pedophile.

And look, you got the carolers
on the train track--

like that's gonna end well.

Did you want
my help or not?

Well, yes, but I can't leave
the house for a second

to go to work or practice
without you churning out

some other
Christmas tradition.

I just wanted you to do
the crummy stuff, you know?

Go to the grocery,
stand in line at the post office

for the Christmas stamps.

I don't want you hogging up
all the fun stuff.

How am I supposed to know
what you think is fun?

Well, okay. You know
how there are songs

about decorating a tree
or building a snowman?

That's how you know.
If it's in a song, don't do it.

So no chestnuts roasting
on an open fire.

- No.
- No dashing through the snow.

No, that's all out.

Okay, but you know
what you can do?

Fix Brick.
He is bumming everyone out.

He even brought down Santa.

"Fix Brick."
It's on the list.

Ohh.
I liked it the other way.

Not a moment too soon,

because Christmas Eve was here,
and there was no stopping it.

I have just come from rehearsal,
and I can safely say

that I am going to blow the roof
off that church tonight.

Hey, Brick!
You ready for Santa?

I...

Brick, what's the matter?

Mike.

Why isn't Brick talking?

Yeah, I thought you might
ask about that.

I had that little chat
with him,

trying to get him
out of his funk.

Hey, buddy.
We need to talk.

What's going on?

Your mom and I
are worried about you.

I'm just a little melancholy.

Melancholy.

When did all this start?

You know
that Santa Pez dispenser I got

two years ago, where the candy
comes out of his beard?

I just started thinking
about how I had it,

and then one day,
it was just... gone.

And then I started thinking
that someday, you'll be gone,

and I'll be gone
and we'll all be gone.

Well, sure.
Everybody worries about death.

It's terrifying.
But you know what we do?

We shove it
out of our minds.

That's why we have
books and candy

and water parks and TV.

It's all just a big,
old distraction from death.

So all better?

Okay.

Okay.

And then, because he
thought he was on a roll,

Mike got greedy.

Oh, and you know, if you keep
on whispering to yourself,

Santa's not gonna
bring you any presents.

I thought
it was worth a shot.

You told Brick Santa wouldn't
bring him any presents

if he doesn't stop
whispering to himself?

What were you thinking?

Hey, we've used Santa
as motivation before--

It's time to give up pacifiers,
potty training,

"Hannah Montana."

I thought I could slip
the whispering thing in there.

So now Brick's afraid that
if he talks at all, he'll whisper,

and then Santa won't come.
That's great.

I ask you to fix him,
and you busted him.

And you know why?

Because you rushed through it
like everything else

just so you could check it off
your stupid list.

Hey, I was just trying
to help.

I mean, maybe I didn't
handle it exactly right,

but while you're off
at choir practice,

I'm here busting my butt
getting Christmas together,

and let me tell you something.
Christmas is...

Christmas is what, Mike?
Hmm?

Hard?

It's not hard.

Admit it!
Christmas is hard.

- It's not hard.
- Say it. Say it!

Christmas is stressful
and exhausting and horrible.

Say it!

Ah, now it's starting
to feel like Christmas.

Great. Now Bob's here
to pick me up.

Look, Mike,
it's Christmas Eve.

It's my big night. I just--
I don't want to fight.

Me neither.

I know you were trying.
I'm sorry.

Okay. You gotta go.
You're gonna be great.

Okay, listen up. Everybody
has to be there by 11:00

to get a good seat.

And remember, the "I only go
at Easter and Christmas" crowd

is gonna be there
hogging all the seats.

- So it's gonna be crowded.
- We'll be there.

I love you.

Just please be there
on time.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Oh, sorry, these are saved.
It's for my family.

They're on their way.

No, no.
You gotta get here early.

You would have known
if you came more often.

It's 11:45
on Christmas Eve,

and you're watching

- the log channel.
- Oh, no!

- Oh, no!
- Merry Christmas.

Sue, Axl, Brick, get up!
We're late!

What? Ooh--oh!

Nice, Dad!

Classic.

Oh, no.

Are we gonna miss it?

I'm not dressed for church!

No time. Throw something on,
and let's go! Now!

Oh, but what about
our present?

Mom always lets us open
one present on Christmas Eve.

You can open it
when we get back.

Keys.
Where are my keys?

But then it won't be
Christmas Eve anymore.

- It'll be Christmas day!
- But she said... mm!

Grab a present.
You can open it in the car.

Just let's move!

There are no tags
on these!

Tags wasn't on my list.
Just throw 'em all in the car.

We can sort 'em out on the way.
Let's just move!

Brick, head for the car!

I'm covered in...

Come on, let's go.

If your mom asks,
we couldn't find a parking spot.

This one's for Brick.

Don't get too into
that book.

We're all jumping out as soon
as we get to the church.

Oh, my god!
A cell phone?

- Uh, that's for Axl.
- Oh, my God!

Gimme that! This totally
doesn't suck. This is awesome.

Ooh.
I gotta call Darren.

Uh, not so fast. You can
only call your family,

'cause you're
on the family plan.

You want to call your friends,
you can pay for that yourself.

- You got a job.
- Uh... I-I quit that.

You quit your job? Why?

It was interfering with
my studies. I don't know.

What do you want
to hear?

There's no present
here for me.

- Did you even get me anything?
- Yes, of course we did!

You got a Rihanna CD
and a "Twilight"--

Well, don't tell me
what you got me!

I wish
Mom had done Christmas.

Well, get in line.

And let us now
rejoice in song.

Can we just hold
on the rejoicing

just for one minute?
'Cause of my family.

Listen, can you j-just go tell them
they're gonna be here.

- I'm gonna try to...
- You can't do this!

My family was supposed
to be here at 11:00,

and they said
they would come,

but I don't know why
they're not here yet. So--

They said
they would be on time.

Is there any way
we can just hold for...

¶ O come, all ye faithful ¶

¶ Joyful and triumphant ¶

¶ O come ye,
o come ye to ¶

¶ To Bethlehem ¶

¶ Come and behold him ¶

¶ Born the king of angels ¶

¶ O come let us adore him ¶

¶ O come let us adore him ¶

¶ O come let us adore him ¶

¶ Christ the Lord ¶

That was beautiful.

Oh, please.

How could you be late?

It was Dad's fault.
He fell asleep.

Why is that, Mike? Is it
because you were exhausted?

Is it because
Christmas is hard?

It's not hard, and we would
have been there sooner,

but the kids
had to open a gift.

Oh, some gift! I've
only got family minutes!

- Why would I ever want to talk...
- You know what?

...to my family?

- The phone is going back anyway.
- And you opened a cell phone without me?

- Mike!
- He quit his job.

You quit your job?

Oh, do you have any idea
how disgusting it is

to have to clean up
after other people?

I have some idea, yeah.

Everybody stop yelling!

Yelling.

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

I can't stop!
I can't stop!

- See what you did?
- What I did? What did I do?

Whoa!

- Nice driving, Dad!
- Well, you distracted him!

Beautiful solo, Mom.

Thank you, Sue.

I, uh...

I like my cell phone, Dad.

You're welcome, son.

Frankie,
Christmas is hard.

Thank you.

That's all
I wanted to hear.

Hey, look what I found--

My Santa Pez dispenser!

It slid out from
underneath the seat

the second time we almost died.
It's a Christmas miracle!

So almost dying--twice--
had made the rest of us

start thinking
about our own existence.

But for Brick,
it made him... stop.

Hey, there's candy
in it!

Don't eat that!
It's, like, two years...

Go ahead.

Was the 2-year-old
Pez dispenser sliding out

from under the dirty,
crud-encrusted bottom

of our car seat
a Christmas miracle?

Who knows?

I'd like to think yes,
'cause Brick was

the happiest I've ever
seen him at Christmas.

No way!

Santa brought me a sparkly bag
for my Pez dispenser!

Uh, sorry, buddy. I think
you found one of Sue's.

No, it was sweet.
But, uh, anyway, I gotta bounce.

Hit me back later.

Oh! Bye, Aunt Edie.

My present was seeing Brick
acting normal again--

Well, Brick normal.

'Cause you really are
only as happy

as your least happy kid.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

Honey, what's wrong?

I went to Brad's
early this morning

to give him
his Christmas present,

and I found him out back
behind the shed

with another boy!

Uh, hey, Brick?
Why don't you go to your room?

Go. Go.

And they were out
in the bushes,

and they were taking turns--

Honey, I am so sorry.
We should have said something.

And they were...
And they were...

smoking!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Wait. You knew?

You knew
he was a smoker?

We had our suspicions.

I'll bet that's why
he didn't kiss you.

He didn't want you to notice
his smoker's breath.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's no way
I'm gonna date him now.

And I really,
really liked him, too.

Oh, come here, baby.

Maybe I can get him
to quit?

I wouldn't count on it,
honey.

Come on.

"Don't get me wrong.
Christmas is hard.

"But no matter
how stressed you are,

"the 25th rolls around,
and it's great

"and wonderful
and the best Christmas ever.

"It's like giving birth--
you forget the pain,

"and can't wait
to do it again next year.

Happy holidays.
Love, the Hecks."