The Middle (2009–2018): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Jeans - full transcript

the teen years-- clothes may change,

The hair may change,
what part of the body gets pierced

May change, but one thing
doesn't change--teenagers suck.

The crying, the mood swings,
the unpredictable behavior...

Axl, you better get up,
or you're gonna miss the bus!

I am not telling you again! Get up,
get up, get up!

Hey.

You're up. Yeah, I got up early,
I am not telling you again! Get up, get up,
get up!

I just thought I'd take
the trash out to the curb.

Got the paper for you.
That's a pretty blouse, mom.

Like I said--



Unpredictable behavior.

okay, I'll search his backpack.

You go over there and very
casually check his breath.

okay, don't look,

But he's actually pouring
cereal into a bowl.

I said don't look.

What's his game?

You know what? He's 16 now.

Maybe we're through the worst
of the teen crap with him.

Maybe he's grown up.
Maybe things are finally about to get

A little easier around here now. Oh!

I can't go to school today!
My hair is stringy,

My face is too oval, and I have no friends.

Honey, we all have those days.



Why don't you take a sick day?
It'll be our little secret.

And not see my friends? Yeah,
great idea, mom!

God! It's like you don't
even understand me at all.

Okay, I'll tell 'em.

Aunt edie and aunt ginny are
on the smoking bus to vegas,

And they forgot to get
someone to watch doris.

I'll do it.

How about one of the guys at the quarry?
I suppose I could ask.

I'll do it. Or their creepy
neighbor with the glass eye?

Thought he was dead. I'll do it!

No, brick, I don't think you will do it.

Why not? Why can't I?
Give me one good reason.

Actually, we could give him a
whole lot of good reasons.

you forgot to feed me.

I am dead.

Please, can I watch her?
Doris is the most fun dog ever.

doris is not the most fun dog ever.

Brick, the problem is
that you get distracted,

And you forget stuff, and the backyard

Is too frozen right now to dig a new grave.

But I won't get distracted
this time. I promise.

The dog is pretty old.

She dies on brick's watc they
can't really pin it on us.

Okay, against all judgment,
you can watch doris.

Brick, we said okay.

To what?

Watching the dog.

Doris. The dog.

Oh, right. Great!

Mom, dad.

Listen, I want to talk to
you guys about something.

You're gonna have to marry her,
and you can't live here.

Listen, I'm 16 now,

And I think we can all agree

That I've proven myself to be responsible.

You took out the garbage once.

And I brought in the paper.

So, you know, I think you
guys should consider the fact

That I clearly deserve my own car.

And there it was-
-the reason axl was being so nice.

See, ever since axl got
his driver's license

A few weeks ago, he'd been
chomping at the bit to drive

Every chance he could get.

I need eggs!

I need milk!

I need tampons!

You want a car?

You're gonna have to work
for it and earn it yourself.

Yeah. Uh, I had a job.

It sucked. But I still want a car.

So you see my dilemma.

Well, you know, I have a job and a car,

So you see the connection.

you know, if I had a car,

I could take her to the insane asylum.

Sue, what are you doing?

All my clothes are stupid and ugly

And... stupid!

She needs help.

Where did I stash that last
bag of Halloween candy?

Oh, right, in my mouth
during "grey's anatomy."

I'm trying out for drama club,
and I ve nothing to wear.

Nothing!

Drama club. Sounds about right.

All right, that's enough of that.

Stop crying right now.

Okay, mike, why don't you just go?
I'll handle this.

Honey, how about I help you find something

To wear to the audition?

Oh, yeah, right,
like you kn what's cool.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. We'll find something.

Oh! Nothing that would make anybody like me.

Mom, all the cool kids have
citizens of humanity jeans,

And I am the only person

In the entire school who doesn't.

Honey, I believe that it's not
at people see on the outside

That makes you popular.

It's what's inside.

You have to let your inner
light shine through.

Hold your smile. Keep eye contact.

See if she buys it.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Damn.

Mom, junior high is hard.

People judge you for every little thing,

If they even notice you at all.

I just want to be judged.

Didn't you ever want something
so bad that you'd die for it?

I love you.

Yeah, yeah. Just don't tell
your dad how much they cost.

Hey, buddy.

How was the first day watching the dog?

Ohh.

Yeah, I know, "ohh."

You left her at the end of
the driveway. Go get her.

Hey, brick, why is doris at the end of the--

He knows. He's on it.

Dad, I got new jeans.

Oh, wow. I like 'em.

No, not these.
These are my old, gross jeans.

These! I'm gonna go try 'em on.

Can I see that?

Let me see that.

What? It's a receipt.
So what? You don't need to see it.

Is that how it is now, ricky ricardo?

You have to see all my
receipts when I come home?

When you dive on it like
it's a live grenade, yeah.

I want to see it. You know what?
I just don't like this in principle,

Because it makes me feel--well,
I'm just gonna say it, mike--

Less than, and I am not less than.

Let me see it. No.

Frankie. No.

All right. If you don't want me to see it,

Then that's your business. Whatever.

Mike! Give I give it! Give it!

No, don't take that! Give me that!

Get your hands out! No, don't read that.

There's a present for you on there.

112 bucks for one pair of jeans?

Well, most of that is tax.
Frankie, are you kidding?

Tell me there's another man
somewhere that's supporting you.

Okay, mike, I know it's crazy.
It's completely crazy,

But this is about sue and her self-esteem.
I just gave axl a lecture about how he's
gotta work for things,

And you just waltz in and
buy her a pair of jeans

That cost more than all my pants put
together? Okay, I wouldn't expect you to
understand.

Good, 'cause I don't.

Look, mike, I know this seems frivolous,

But at her age, fitting in is important.

And if I could do one
thing to help her fit in

And look cool, I'm gonna help her look cool.

you guys are not even gonna recognize me.

So? What do you think?

It's just great, honey.

Yep. Money well-spent.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god!

I did not not make drama club.

Oh, well. You'll get 'em next time, honey.

No, I said "not not.
" I didn't not make it yet.

I still almost maybe did make it.

I got a callback.

Honey, that's great!

Yeah!

Oh, right. The magic jeans
got her a callback.

No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

The magic jeans gave her
the confidence she needed

To nail the audition and get the callback.

Mm. Kind of like that jersey you always wear

When you watch the colts.
Well, that's not magic. That's science.

Oh. Hey. I need to meet
some friends at pizza pan.

Oh! Right. If someone bought me a car

Like other people buy people jeans,

I guess I could drive myself.

But if you want to play
favorites with your kids,

Then I guess I'm gonna need a ride

When you guys go out tonight.

Big drag for you.

Also if I had my own car,

I could take sue to the orthodontist

And look for that dog that brick
is definitely going to lose.

I mean, I'm just thinking about you.

Why don't you get that?

Who's that girl waving to us?

Uh, it's nobody. See you later.

oh, come on. Let me out.

Not until you tell us who that girl is.

How should I know? well,
she seems very friendly. Hi!

Sure I hi, friendly stranger.

Oh, god, please. Would you just stop?

She's just some girl
I've kind of been seeing.

Now let me out, please. See, if we had
given you a car, we would never have found
out

About this friend of yours.
So what's her name?

Where'd you meet her? Kate. School.

She's an excellent student
and a good influence on me.

Now can I get out now? Sure. Wait a minute.

I think, frankie, we should meet this kate.
Definitely gotta meet her.

Fine. Just don't say anything
moronic like, "nice to meet you"

Or "pleasure to meet you" or...
"good to meet you." wouldn't dream of it.

uh, kate, some people who gave birth to me.

People, kate.

It's so nice to meet you. You, too.

Okay, this has been awkward. Let's go.

wow.

She's pretty.

Boat show model-pretty.

I was thinking

Maybe we should, you know, buy axl a car.

What? Where is this coming from?

You just told him the other
day he had to work for it.

Yeah, but a guy needs a car--

Especially with the level
of girl he's dating.

"level"? What do you mean, "level"?

yeah, eventually you're gonna have to spit.

Oh, my god. You want to buy axl a car

Because the girl he's dating is hot.

did you not hear the boy?

She's also an excellent student
and a good influence on him.

You are so full of it!

Frankie, you can't pick up a girl like that

In your parents' car.

It's just not cool. Oh,
you think it's important that he be cool?

Look, you don't know
what it's like for a boy.

If you don't have a car, you're nothing.

Oh, my god. After all the grief you gave me

About those jeans...

Jeans are dumb.

A car is freedom.

Fine. If you can find a car

For the same price as those jeans,
you go for it.

I should have known better.

Oh!

That cost 112 bucks?

110. Keep the change.

Buy yourself something pretty.

Well, I guess mike and I discovered

what the rich have known all along--

Throw money at a problem,
and it'll go away.

It might be the carburetor.

Nah, it's gotta be the engine mounts.

We tighten that, you're good.
Mike and axl were getting along.

Brick hadn't killed the dog yet.

Go get it, doris!

Come on, doris!

Get it, doris!

And sue was over the
moon with her new jeans.

I thought I was handling the
teen years pretty well.

Hey, mom. Have you see my new jeans?

I thought it would be cool
to have a fashion show

After dinner, and then
everyone can vote on which top

I should wear with my new jeans
to the audition next week.

Yeah, I brought 'em in
here to hand wash 'em,

But I haven't gotten to 'em yet.

um, brick?

Yeah? Missing anything?

I miss grandma.

Anything that goes woof?

On it.

The callback audition has
to be a new monologue.

Do you think "the crucible" or "grease"

Would show off the jeans more?

I was thinking I could do my hair all '50s...
I shrunk the magic jeans.

Oh, no. God, take my jeans instead!

You have an audition to worry about.
You should go rest.

But it's the middle of the day.

Are you serious about this audition or not?

There was no way around it.

I was gonna have to
tell sue the truth--

That a burglar broke in
and stole only her jeans.

hi, sweetie.

Mom, look. I have the same
jeans as jennifer love hewitt.

Yeah.

About that...

Sue, I have some bad news.

You know that new dryer
that we have that we found,

That's just so new and so good?

It's--it's really too good.

What are you talking about?

Honey...

the dryer shrunk your jeans.

What?

I'm so, so sorry.

I just feel terrible.

That's okay.

It's not your fault.

I know, but I just feel horrible.

Don't feel horrible. They were just jeans.

And the truth is, you were right before.

It really is about what's
inside that counts.

I just have to let my
inner light shine through.

Okay, yeah. That's not
what really happened.

How could you do this to me?
You just want to ruin my life.

You knew how important they were to me,

And you didn't keep them safe.

You don't care about anyone
but yourself! I hate you!

Honey, you don't really feel that.

A-a lot of that is just hormones talking.

You're frustrated and disappointed,

And I'm just gonna give you some space,

And we'll talk about it more
when you've calmed down.

Okay, that didn't happen either.

Oh, yeah? Well, you are no
picnic to live with either!

You think I don't do anything for you?

Let me tell you something, missy!

All I do are things for you!

And right now I'm not sure it's worth it!

Then leave me alone!

You don't have to ask me twice.

Ugh!

Yep, the crying, the mood swings,

The unpredictable behavior--

It's a tough time.

In the next couple days,
sue and I weren't fighting anymore,

But that's mostly 'cause
we weren't talking.

oh, no! I can't find the...

Never mind. I got her.

My bad.

Hey, dad. Do you know where my lip gloss is?

Uh... No.

That's okay.

I'll find it. Thanks, dad.

You want to tell me why
my daughter's asking me

About her lip gloss?
'cause she's still punishing me.

Well, the joke's on her,

'cause I know it went through
the wash with her jeans.

Hey, dad, great idea
gappin' the spark plugs.

She is running sweet now. You're the man!

Um, so what do you think about the shirt?

Am I trying too hard or...
A girl like that? You gotta try hard.

you know it.

Boom!

He's a good kid.

Shut up.

I'm texting bella that you
picked me up in your own car.

I'm texting bella that you
look really cute tonight.

I'm texting bella that I
look really cute tonight.

You don't have to text bella about this.

Brick, dog.

I gotta go pick up axl. The car broke down.

Typical teenager.

He probably tried to push it over 20.

Way to go, dad. I told you
it was the carburetor.

he's so lame.

It's not the carburetor. you don't know.
You don't know anything.

he doesn't know anything.

Axl, watch it. I was justrying to help.

So I'm texting bella that
your dad is dropping us off

At the movies. I'm texting
bella that your dad is tall.

tall and clueless.

Okay.

Here we are.

This is my house.

That's right, kate.

Axl isn't gonna be able to
go out with you tonight.

I'm sorry, 'cause clearly you're
a very high level of girl.

But until axl learns the
correct way to talk to his dad,

He's not goi anywhere.

You're welcome to text bella that, too.

god, dad is trying to ruin my entire life!

Aw. Come here. I'll fist-bump you.

He told me I didn't know anything.

What? You know a ton.

Thank you.

Sue hates me.

Oh, that's crazy. You totally rock.

Right?

I don't know. I thought we could help 'em,

And it just seems to enrage them.

It's nature's way.
Teenagers put you through hell

So you don't miss 'em when they go.

Yep, nature's smart.

They're good kids.

If this is the worst of it, we'll be fine.

You're right. We're lucky.

Very lucky.

Of course, we could be luckier.
Don't I know it.

Hi, dad. Morning, mom.

And just like that and for
no particular reason,

Sue was back to her old, sweet self.

I knew it wouldn't last,
so I just went with it.

Oh, and, mom, I wanted you to know

That I decided to wear my new jeans

To the drama club audition anyway.

I'm just gonna wear 'em as bermudas.

Bermudas are in. They're not,
but I wasn't saying a word.

That's great, honey. I think I
stuck 'em in the laundry room.

Okay.

Oh, hey, brick,
the aunts are back from vegas,

And they're coming to pick
up doris. Where is she?

Brick, did something happen to that dog?

And don't forget, I can
always tell when you're lying.

Brick has a tell when he's lying.

Brick, did you break the lamp?

No. I'm lying.

Okay. I'm just gonna tell you the truth.

Doris is gone.

She's gone. Her wagon is empty,
and I don't know where she went.

Congratulations. You were right.

Being responsible is not my strong suit.

I'll be in my room thinking
about what I've done.

aah!

Doris, what were you thinking?

You were almost home free,
and now you're starting over?

Big mistake, doris. Big mistake.

Yep, the next few years
wouldn't be easy--

Hormones, dating, driving.

But whenever I got frustrated,

I just remembered the look in
that dog's eyes and thought,

"at least I got it
better than doris."

Can we keep one?

I promise I'll take care of it this time.

I'm lying.