The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Country Club - full transcript

Is he normally this sweaty?

I don't think it's normal for anyone

- to be this sweaty.
- Hmm.

Ah.

Okay.

First off, I had zero knowledge

of what was going on with
your parents' finances.

Aren't you their money manager?

I know, right? I mean,

it doesn't feel great to be left out.

It didn't help that I found out



about the fiasco from
the NY Insider column

at my therapist's office.

What?

Oliver Fishburn did a
piece on Mom and Dad?

Who's Oliver Fishburn?

He's only the biggest
gossip columnist in New York.

The man feasts on the elite.

If I were you, I would
take this opportunity

to lay low and cut back
on unnecessary expenses.

You know what we should
do? We should march straight

to the club and confront him.

I mean, he basically uses
that place as his office.

That's the opposite of
what I just suggested.

Uh, look, if I were you, I would



cancel the country club membership

until we know the
state of your finances.

Don't be a moron, Barry. We're
not canceling the country club.

And why didn't anyone tell
me we have a country club?

You don't have a country club. We do.

If anything, we should be
spending more time there

so that everybody can see
that the Pembertons are fine.

- Yeah, yeah, we're fine.
- Not you.

Yeah. If I don't play in the
golf tournament this weekend,

people are gonna know something's up.

People are gonna notice if a
13-year-old isn't playing golf?

Yeah. It's basically the
social hub of Greenwich.

Remember when the Ostrovskys got
caught up in that Ponzi scheme?

It's all anybody could talk about.

Former clients who
also ignored my advice.

Oh, remember that one
time you pooped in the pool

and everyone called
you Sabrina Pooperton?

- Shut up, Chip.
- Back up.

Sabrina pooped the pool?

No. When I was nine,
I ate some chocolate

in the pool and everybody went crazy.

- Oh.
- People are idiots.

Eh, mom and dad had to
pay for the drainage fee.

That's basically admission of guilt.

- Yeah.
- Guys, I can't make this any clearer:

this is a bad idea.

Barry, you've been overruled.

Now, let's talk about the
food situation at this club.

Do they do a decent nacho?

I don't mean to offend you...

Then don't.

You don't fit the Pemberton brand.

The Pemberton brand seems to
be fugitives and pool poopers.

Hey, pop these by the first tee for me.

- Thanks, chief.
- What...

what are you doing? Chip.

Show some restraint.

I am. Dad usually gives him 50.

Well, maybe consider a
new financial role model

besides Dad.

What the hell?

I'm not in my usual
foursome with Judge Golder.

There you are.

Oh, you're with Jerry Berlin.

Oh, the guy from the concrete company?

It's already happening... we're
becoming socially radioactive.

Oh, here he comes.

Is that Chippy? How are you?

How you doing, darling?

You ready to go make this
course our 18-hole bitch?

I would, and I'd love
to, but me and Sabrina

- have to go to the...
- No, we don't.

- Have fun.
- Yeah?

Yeah? Come on, tiger. Huh? Come on.

All right, let's go, come on.

I said, "Sweetie, sleeping
with a woman doesn't

make you a lesbian,
it means you're bored."

I know. Right?

100%.

Oh, God. I'll call you back.

Hey, Oliver. Sabrina Pemberton.

We met at the Met Gala.

I'm sorry, that night
is a blur of bad Pinot

and intolerable conversation.

I assume you want to
talk about the article?

Oh, that stupid thing? No. Come on.

I just came over here to tell
you how big of a fan I am.

Aw, sweet.

Thanks for popping by.

No, I just also wanted
to say that, you know,

if you ever needed a resource,

I'm pretty plugged in around here.

Oh, are you?

I mean,

in my eyeline alone...

Dan Gregor

flipped his car with
a hooker in the front

and an eight ball in the glove box.

Hmm.

That's it?

I'm just getting started.

- Huh.
- Jackie Gilford

had her housekeeper deported

because she didn't want to fire her.

Oh, and Caroline Martin...

She used all the money
from her 9/11 charity fund

to fix that face.

And not that

it's worthy of an article,

but that purebred Goldendoodle
she won't shut up about?

Rescue.

Yeah. So, you know,

as you can see, there
are plenty of stories here

that are far juicier than my family.

Girl, you are the story.

- What?
- Prominent family

on the brink of collapse with a daughter

who's got a mouth like a fire hose?

Wait, I told you that in confidence.

Ah, you didn't say "off the record."

- Off the record.
- Nah.

Okay. I made it all up.

So...

Oh. So you're a liar, too?

- What?
- Oh! This keeps

- getting better and better.
- No...

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Look, all I'm saying is that,
for a fancy establishment,

you do very piss-poor nachos.

Ma'am, we don't do nachos.

You insisted we make them.

Yeah. Well, you tried, and
you did a really bad job of it.

So I'm not paying for them.

Well, don't take 'em away.

I'm gonna snack around a little bit.

I will take another mojito.

You seem to have a pretty
good handle on those.

Thank you. Ah!

- One for my girl, too.
- Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Poodle says that when I'm at the club,

I'm supposed to be invisible.

Alba, when you get a chance
to party at a place like this,

you got to take full advantage.

- Oh.
- Check out all this stuff

- that I snagged. All for free.
- Oh.

Stole this massaging
showerhead. Just unscrewed it,

- right off the shower. Nice, right?
- That's nice.

- Yeah.
- You get the little soaps?

- I really like those little soaps.
- You kidding me?

- I got a hundred little s...
- What the hell

are you doing here?

Oh, yeah, you know what,

I was sitting at home, and then
I remembered you're not my boss.

Place is amazing, by
the way. You're right.

Yeah, well, enjoy it, because
it might be our last day.

- What are you talking about, last day?
- Alba,

will you please take
Ben to the playroom?

I need to have a chat with Mickey.

Well, if you're gonna use bad
words, I already know five.

The B-word you always call Mickey...

- Okay, let's go. Come on. You like
to play. - Wait, I'm not done,

- I'm not done.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Hmm. Was the "B" for "boisterous"?

What's the matter?
Little plan didn't work?

Not exactly. I think I
poured more gas on the fire.

Oh, hell no. Mm-mm. I got
a tennis lesson tomorrow.

Lead me to him. I'll handle this clown.

Okay.

- Pem-ba-tone.
- Pem-ba-ton.

Pemberton.

Peh-ba-tone.

- Pa-ba-tone.
- Pemberton.

- Pem-ba-ten.
- Pemberton.

- Pem-ba...
- Okay, you know what,

- screw it, all right? Where's our carts?
- Oh, it's the last team

of the day. No carts left.

Fine. I'll get some
waters. We'll be on our way.

Oh, yeah, we ran out of those, too.

Don't you guys see what's happening?

- We're getting boxed out!
- Aw,

relax, kid. Happens all the time.

Not to me, it doesn't.
It's a slap in the face.

Fine. All right. We'll
see how easy it is for them

to box us out once we
go out there and win

the whole damn
tournament! Who's with me?

Hai!

Yeah, yeah, I'm revved up.

- Yeah!
- Let's do this.

Come on.

Oh. Shanked it.

Seriously?

Can I help you?

No, I don't think so.
But I can help you.

My name's Mickey. I'm
Sabrina Pemberton's aunt.

Oh, of course. Poodle's sister.

I smell the resemblance. Is that rum?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's rum. Good nose.

Listen, I know you're a
busy girl and I'm a busy guy,

so I'll just get right down to business.

Boom.

What is this?

That's $168.

And what am I supposed to do with it?

I don't care. Put a down
payment on a Chihuahua.

It's a bribe. Take it.

Huh.

There. That's better.

Is there a problem?

No. None whatsoever.

Thanks to $168 and your niece,

I'm flush with material
for the next month.

Okay.

Well, I hope you've got a good memory.

That wasn't mine.

What's that?

That wasn't mine.

Watch that.

- Keep your eyes on that.
- Walk away.

Concentrate. Eye on the ball.

Deep breath. Nice and easy.

- Own it, baby!
- G...

Ooh!

Ah. Worm burner.

Damn it!

- Easy, buddy.
- Stupid...

You okay, tiger?

I'm fine!

You sure?

- I'm freaking fine!
- Listen,

I heard about your folks, all right?

Everybody gets popped

- sooner or later. They'll get through it.
- All right, well,

we're not everybody. Our
name is getting stomped on!

I thought if we came here

and won the tournament,

- I could've got some of our glory back.
- Mm. I get it.

Look, all you got to do
is change the conversation.

Okay. So how do I, um...

how do I change the conversation?

Hmm. Well, you could tell everybody

you tackled a school shooter.

- Okay. That could be nice.
- Nah, nah. You know what,

an injury is always the safest bet.

You take a line drive
to the sternum right now,

that's all they'll remember.

Tax fraud who? Murder what?

My family didn't murder anybody.

I'm not asking any questions. I'm thinking
about the kid with the hole in his chest.

Fine. Do it.

Good man.

All right. Now, I want you

to cover your teeth and your junk.

- Okay.
- All right?

- Okay.
- Cover up.

- Here it comes.
- All right.

All right. Only take a second.

Won't hurt.

Won't hurt. Here comes. Ready?

Oh!

- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Come on.

Let me buy you an
Arnie Palmer, all right?

Rest his soul. Come on.

I got it.

We chuck hot sauce in his face.

What's that gonna do?

It's gonna burn him really bad.

- Oh, God. You're an idiot.
- I'm the idiot?

At least I'm, like, coming
up with stuff here, you know?

Oh, God. I really think
you should slow down.

You're gonna crap yourself.

That's kind of your department.

Huh?

- No.
- Are you kidding me?

Think about it. We need
something that will overshadow

your family's scandal, right?

We can't.

Oh, we can.

And we will.

We're gonna make Oliver poop the pool.

Just like you did.

Um...

Ugh. Dead last.

Who would've guessed it?

Literally, anyone.

Yeah, well, that's the thing about golf.

You know... ooh.

- Hey, have you guys seen Ben? Yeah.
- Yeah, we need his poop.

Wow.

You gonna introduce me to your friend?

Jerry, Mickey. Mickey, Jerry.

How are you, blue eyes?
Can I buy you a drink?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my goodness.

That's a woman.

Hey, hey.

If it isn't the all-stars.

What happened out there today, Chip?

Guess your short game fled
the country, too, hey, kiddo?

Oh, yeah?

Well, get this.

While you good old boys were
busy chuggin' high balls,

Pemberton here sunk a hole in one.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

That's incredible. Hey, guys.

The Pemberton kid
here got a hole in one.

That's my boy, huh?

Yeah, I, uh, I can't
believe you told them that.

Oh, and I can't believe
I was there to see it.

Tell them, Chip. Take it away.

Y-Yeah.

So, I was, um... golfing with this guy

and, uh, we were on the grass

and I reached for my seven iron
and then I switched to a six,

'cause, well, I'm 13.

He's 13!

- You're killing them. Go ahead,
tell them. - Yeah.

So, I, uh, I inhale

- some fresh morning air.
- Uh-huh.

And-and then I take a nice swing back

and I rip it, right?

And I thought I overshot
it, I really did,

but it turns out I
hit it right on the pin

and it rolled right in.

A round of drinks on Pemberton.

Wait, wait, wait, what?

It's tradition.

You get a hole in one,

buy drinks for the whole club.

Hey.

What the hell, Jerry?

I can't afford to pay
for the whole damn club.

Know what? Screw it.

Drink up, you sons of bitches,
it's on the Pembertons!

Mmm.

Mmm.

What do you think, Benito?
What should we do next?

You want 'em to wrap us
in the detoxifying seaweed

or scrub us down with
the pineapple enzymes?

I want the pineapple enzyme scrub

and the detoxifying seaweed.

Mmm.

You heard him.

Pineapple the son of a bitch.

Oh, and put it on the Pemberton account.

Alba, what are you doing?

Do you have any idea
how much this costs?

- That a mojito?
- Yeah, it is.

That's my girl.

Aunt Mickey,

I'm gonna get covered in mud.

No kidding, we were looking
to do some mud stuff, too.

Yeah, and I just want to go on record

and say this was not my idea.

Right, yeah, yeah, this was
totally not her idea. Yeah.

It was, however, based
on the story of her life.

Ben, what do you say?

You want to do our family a solid?

Uh, okay.

But can I go to the bathroom first?

Bingo.

And so finally, the
Jew says to the Mormon,

"Because it's my bank."

Ooh.

What about our boy, huh?

Oh, he's great. You
should've been there.

Yeah, well, they're here
now and we're talking

and you're interrupting.

Oh.

Oh, I get it.

Do you?

Because you're still here, all right?

So, how about you go
enjoy your free drink

and if we need any
fun facts about gravel,

we'll hit you up, all right?

All right.

Pardon me, Chip, may I have a word?

Yeah, sure, Alfie.

One second, boys.

So, what is this about?

A photo op with the hole-in-one kid?

Well, it's come to my
attention that you may have

embellished your story.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So, we are gonna put Ben's poop

inside this gossip columnist?

No. And cool it on the drinks
while I explain the plan.

Go on.

This is gone.

Thanks to Sabrina's cunning and charm,

we know that Oliver goes to
the pool every day after lunch

to work on his tan.

And once our little songbird
finds his perfect perch,

we kick off a tanning day from hell.

First, we swap out his
tanning oil for cooking grease

so he bakes like a human brisket.

Ah.

Then, Alba utilizes her nanny network

to ensure some serious
stink sours his mood.

I know all the babies.

- I know you do.
- Mm.

Oh, my God. What are
you feeding that thing?

Then Ben will delicately distract him.

Who the hell did that?

Sorry, mister.

While I approach

with a not so fresh towel.

No one's unclear on the poop part.

No toys by the pool.

Okay.

Want to play Marco Polo?

Get out of here.

And then...

the coup de grâce.

The most precise and
intricate part of our plan.

Between the heat,

the smell, and the crying,

Oliver's left with only one option.

Really?

This now?

Ugh.

Get in that pool.

Oh, my God!

Is that poop?

What?

No! What?

No, you're mistaken!

It can't be.

That's not what that is.

And just like that,

he becomes the pariah
he tried to make us,

the poop pariah.

Oh, yeah. Let's do that.

Yeah.

Aunt Mickey, I really got to go.

Oh, right, right,
right. Yeah. Let's roll.

Why'd you stop? Mmm.

Can you guys please stop
making eye contact with me?

Well, I just don't understand

why you're having such a hard time.

I mean, you're normally like
one of those Play-Doh presses.

Yeah, hurry it up.

This is getting really weird.

Don't worry, it's taken care of.

Ah! It's not that,

I stole some fudge from the kitchen.

- Oh.
- See?

It does look the same. All
right. Chill out, Pooperton.

No!

They're lying!

We don't take these accusations lightly.

Fortunately, the last member of
your foursome can clear this up.

Oh.

Chippy, Chippy, Chippy, Chip, Chip.

My line of work, we have a saying.

Truth is the best foundation.

The most concrete thing we have.

Jerry, please.

To cheat in golf, the
purest of all games,

why, that could tarnish your reputation.

I don't see how a man
could ever recover,

not in this country.

Well, you might be able to
get a fresh start overseas.

Well, I don't know.

But I don't actually think

my Pacific Rim friends here
have accused anyone of anything.

They're just confused.

_

Ah.

- Hole in one.
- Hai.

- Hai. Hai. Oh, hai.
- Hai!

Hai.

I did the Olympic village
in Nagano Games '98.

Seems to me, we owe this boy an apology.

Chip, I feel like I owe you...

- Mr. Pemberton.
- Huh?

Mr. Pemberton, Pemberton.

Right. Mr. Pemberton,

I hope that you accept
our sincerest apology.

Alfie, Alfie. Save it, all right?

These things happen.

Thank you.

If you're a moron!

You slander me?

Me?! And you think
you'll get away with it?

I'll have my lawyers all over your ass,

and by the time they're done with you,

my name will be all over this club,

while you're outside
mowing the lawn, you animal!

I don't know what to say.

Say nothing! Shut your pie hole!

You ought to know bet...

Ah, well, you got a scary side, kid.

Thanks.

Why'd you help me out?

Ah.

Kid, my old man was a
shoeshine boy for coal miners.

I was born in the dust.

Makes me feel good to be
in a position to help out

a little prince like yourself.

A Berlin bailing out a
Pemberton, how about that?

Well, thank you.

Don't mention it.

Just get me your aunt's phone
number, we'll be even, huh?

Done.

And here he comes in three, two...

And he will be walking through
that door in three, two...

- one. Where is he?
- Ugh.

- Where is he?
- Oh, no.

He's over there.

Are you serious?

So much for the master plan.

All right, well, where's
Alba? She's got the stuff.

Oh, yeah, there she is.

Alba!

Screw it.

Hey, Fishburn.

Sabrina, is that... oh.

Oh, my God.

Sabrina Pemberton pooped the pool.

What?

Oh! No!

Ah! No!

No! No!

It's chocolate.

Ah!

No! I swear, look!

It's chocolate!

No, no, no, no, no, nope.

Please, not again!

Hell no!

Hot sauce!

Yeah.

It burns the eyes and the face. See?

My-my eyes!

Hot sau...

I ask you to keep a low
profile, cut back on expenses.

And instead you buy drinks
for hundreds of people?

It's tradition.

- Defecate in a pool?
- I did not.

And assault a man.

- Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- Okay.

Guys, this is a very serious situation.

Close to 30% of your family's
assets have been frozen.

Well, hang on. What about the rest?

Well, the rest is fine.

For now.

But your family lost
millions of dollars.

Okay, but you are saying

that we still have
millions left to lose.

- Well, I wouldn't put it that way.
- All right,

- way to go, Barry. We're still rich.
- Nice.

I don't think you're hearing me.

We need to make some real adjustments,

like that apartment on Ninth Avenue.

It doesn't get much use.

- Absolutely not.
- Are you kidding me?

We have an apartment in the city?

You have nothing!

Well, this is news.