The Mick (2017–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Master - full transcript

The kids fight over who gets the master bedroom, while Mickey pursues a wealthy businessman.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's the one.
- Yeah?

- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.

Jimmy, I got to tell you,
this place is awesome.

How'd you find it?

Oh, that's a funny story, actually.

I was driving to work...

Eh. You don't have a job.

Okay. Fine.

I was driving to the store, and this...

Well, now I feel like you're lying.

- Hey, could you just listen, please?
- Okay. Yeah.

All right. Fine. I'm driving somewhere.

Okay. Good enough.

- And this greasy goombah...
- Okay. Geez, Jimmy.

It's an Italian restaurant.
Lower your voice.

Oh, sorry.

Okay. This greasy goombah

- cuts me off out of nowhere, right?
- Yeah.

Okay, so I start following him.

And I'm yelling at him
to pull over, right?

Then he pulls into a parking lot.

I jump out. I grab the tire iron.

- I'm gonna tune him up.
- Hmm.

And then it hits me.

This smell.

And I'm like, "That's good.

- That's, like, real good."
- Oh.

So I forget the goombah,
and I run in here,

and I put my name down
with the doorwoman.

- The hostess?
- I don't know, Mick. The broad in the front.


Well, that is, uh, yeah.

- That's quite a story. Okay.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

All right. Well, uh, look,

regardless of how we got here,
I'm having a really good time.

It's really nice of you. Thanks.

Yeah? Well, you know, still got
a little speed on my fastball.

- Guess so.
- Yeah.

For the lady, the spaghetti bolognese.

Thank you.

- And for you, the veal scalloppini.
- Geez.


- Buon appetito.
- Wow.

Buon appetito.

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

Do you see how beautiful
my spaghetti is?

Yeah, I've never seen
anything like that in my life.

You know what? I don't
care if it's douchey.

I'm-a take a picture of this spaghetti.

- Yeah, document it. Yeah.
- I'm not judging.

I'm going to.


Get it real good.

Say "cheese."



- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- What the hell?!

I thought it would be funny
and ruin the photo, okay?

How was that funny, Jimmy?!

I was gonna scramble the noodle,

flip a meatball or something.

- What?
- I didn't mean to ruin the dress

or the night, okay?

Turn around!

- I'm sorry.
- All right. You know what?

Just get up. We're going.

No. Stop, stop, stop. Sit down.

- I am leaving now.
- Hey.

That's $40 worth of spaghetti.

Well, enjoy your date
with your spaghetti.

I'm taking the car and going home.

Okay, Mick, come here. Sit down! Mick.

Come on. S... Ah, screw it.

Oh, that's hot!

Hot! Hot! Oh! Oh!

Mick! Help!


Will someone do something?

You okay?

There you go.

Did you have that in
your hand the whole time?

A gentleman never abandons his drink.

Teddy Grant.


We're through, Jimbo.

Then he invited me
to dinner on his boat.

There's nothing more
suspicious than a man

who can't live on land.

Well, I'll make do. Jimmy
used to live in a car.

Ooh, bum to a pirate. You're
really moving up in the world.

You're dating a pirate?

- Does he have a hook?
- No.

He doesn't have a hook, Ben.

Because he's not a pirate.

Teddy Grant is a very sexy,
sophisticated gentleman.

What? Hold on. Teddy Grant?

Yeah. Why? What's wrong? Is
he a diddler or something?

That's dude is the heir
to a family in Greenwich

that has been around since
the Revolutionary War.

That boat is a 90-foot yacht.

Ah! Really?

Is it a joke? Are you joking?

This isn't time for jokes.

He is insanely out of your league.

He's not out of my league.
What are you talking about?

Eh, he's old money, I'm new money.

You're no money.

Well, I'm just happy

you finally find a man you deserve.

You wasted too much time

- on that trash bag, Jimmy.
- Yeah.

This number keeps hammer-calling me.


Wait a minute.


You guys, it's Mom and Dad!

- Mommy!
- What? Dad!

- Mom?
- Poodle!


Hey, Dad, can you hear me?

Be still, Fernando. We shouldn't...

- ... disgusting.
- Daddy!


Chip, shut up! We can't hear them.

Shouldn't even be...

Plain at the...

Go bag in the...

They're safe!

They called us to let us know

that they're okay.

They didn't call us, you idiot.

That was a butt dial.

Okay. It has to mean something,

because my number was in their phone.

You know what it means?
It means that they could've

been calling us this whole
time, but they haven't.

How do you call somebody with your butt?

Okay, Benito, come on. I
think we go somewhere else.

Thanks, Alba.

All right. Guys, listen.

I recognize that this
is a really big deal.

But I got to figure out an
appropriate thing to wear

for a boat date.

Okay, Benito.

Don't pay any attention to them.

How about if I put on a
fun time kid's program?

Annoying Orange! Annoying Orange!

- Annoying Orange!
- Yeah, that is definitely annoying.

Okay. Here you go, Benito.

Go on.

There you go.

Okay. Hmm.

So here's a bunch

of dials and switches.
But I'm not gonna bore you

with what they all do.

Do you know what they do

or you got a guy for that?

I know exactly what they do.

I'm just kidding. I got a guy for that.

And this is the bedroom.


Mm. Ooh!

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I just get a little seasick
sometimes. It's fine.

I have something for that.

- Oh, yeah?
- You know, when you spend

as much time on a yacht as I
do, you tend to become immune

- to those things.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm. Oh.

- I can get you some water.
- Thank you.

You know, I've got to
say, I've never seen anyone

get seasick on a docked boat before...

Whoa! No!


You just drink that whole thing?

I mean, there's a little bit

left in the bottom if you want it.

No. No. You're only supposed to drink

a capful of this thing.
Do you want to sit down?

Oh, no.

Don't you worry about me.
I can handle my medicine.

Oh, hello, sir!

Where did you come from?

This guy'll be like,

miss my family! Put me back!"

- Well...
- Oh, God!

It's so gross, though,

you know, when you touch it.

- Ooh!
- Uh, you know, I could,

I could hold off, I could
hold off for a minute.

Maybe you should hold off a minute.

- Believe this guy?
- Okay, okay.

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

Okay. Here's my secret.


Normally, I'd be all over this deck,

just riding your brains out.

But I like you. I think there's
something sweet about you.

And so I want to take it slow. Okay?

Okay. Yeah. Slow, slow... Okay.

- You don't need that.
- Yeah. No, I do, I do, yes.

Slow is good. Slow is really...

- Why don't you have a seat?
- Yeah! Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take this.

Um... I'll take this guy.

Look, um...

Mickey, I like you.

And... and I want to let you know that

I'm... I'm going away for a bit.


I'm, I'm going to America's Cup.

It's a sailing race.

Yeah. Look, I leave in three days.

- I'm gonna be gone for a couple months.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Um...

Me, too.

Should I get you some water?


I'm good.

- You good?
- Yeah.

- All right, I'm gonna get you some water.
- It's good. No, no, no!

- No. All's good.
- Yeah?

You know what? I'm just gonna
take a quick mosey around,

find the place where ladies go pee-pee.

I'll be back in one second.

- It's actually inside.
- Uh...

Oh, my God.

Mickey, are you okay?

Oh, uh, whoopsie. Oh.

Oh, you guys.

I made a real ass out of myself.

And he's leaving in three days.

No. Do not give up, Miss Mickey.

You cannot got back to Jimmy

- and his smells.
- I can't wait

till Mom and Dad get back
home so I don't have to listen

to these inane conversations anymore.

They are not coming home.

How can you say that?

Hey, guys, come on. We
got to stick together.

I know this is a really tough situation.

It's not a tough situation.
It's very straightforward.

They're not coming back. Okay?

What are we even talking about?

You know what? I'm
moving into their bedroom.

- No frickin' way.
- Well, hold... hold on.

Don't go crazy. You're
not moving into my bedroom.

Oh. Obviously not.
Your bedroom is gross.

I'm taking the master.

I thought I was in the master.

Oh! Mickey.

This is the master.

What?! Where has this been?

Well, maybe you should
broaden your horizons

beyond your bedroom
and the refrigerator.

Oh, I'm-a rip Teddy to shreds in here.

Nobody's ripping anybody
to shreds in here.

Okay? Get away from that! Put that down.

And take your frickin' shoes off.

Or what? You'll tell Mom?

I'll take them off for you.

Why don't I just tell
Mom myself? Hey, Mom?

I'm getting mud all over
your carpet. Do you mind?

Oh. Guess not.

Don't touch that drawer.
Okay? Don't touch her jewelry!

Don't even look at it. You're
playing a dangerous game, woman.

Oh, is Little Orphan Annie getting mad?

Oh, oh.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Everybody relax.

We don't need to scream at each
other in front of your brother.

I've had about enough of this.

You guys are trespassing.

You know what? He's got a good point.

You guys are trespassing. Please go.

Yeah. That's cute. I'm
the oldest Pemberton.

This room is mine.

Well, I'm your leader.
So this room is mine.

Yeah. Well, I'm the man of the house,

and I say no one gets it.

You already have a room.

Hmm, my room sucks.
I'm gonna take this one.

Well, Mom and Dad are coming
home, and I can prove it.

"Well, Mom and Dad are coming
home, and I can prove it."

I'm serious. I have hard evidence.

What are you talking about?

I record all my phone calls.



Is it? Is it creepy

to be ahead of everybody at all times?

- Yeah.
- Definitely.


All righty.


How much time did you spend on that?

More time than you've spent
on anything in your life.

First, we will listen
to this call as a group.

Second, we will isolate
each and every noise

- that we hear.
- Oh, my God. Just play it.

If I don't get that
sports channel bundle,

- I'm suing your family...
- Okay. All right.

All right, that's
different. That's different.

Let's, um...

Let's refocus.


- Mom?
- Poodle.


- I will...
- Hey, Dad, can you hear me?

Please tell Fernando we...

Daddy! Mother!

Chip, shut up.

We can't hear them.

We shouldn't even be...

Plain at...

It's... go bag in the...


So what did we hear?

I heard a sad little boy
whose mommy doesn't love him.

I heard the honk of a goose.

I think it was the honk of a horn.

You're actually both right.

There was a goose honk and a foghorn.

Also, the words "Fernando,"
"plane," and "go-bag."

Now, I did some research,
and most of the world's

major ports with native
geese are in South America,

which lines up with Fernando.

And where did Mom and
Dad go on their honeymoon?


So you think Mom and Dad are in Chile?

No. But they were.

But between go-bags and plane,

I think Fernando
smuggled them out of Chile

and is bringing them home.


I guess that settles it.

I'm moving into the master.

So I think this new
bedroom will be a good thing

for you and ocean man Teddy.

I don't know, Alba. I told you,

I went full beast mode on our date.

I'm not sure he's into it.

But you've come so far
from that tragedy man Jimmy.

You must try.

You really hate Jimmy, huh?

He is dog.

All right. Well, I don't
know what you want me to do.

You need to bring Teddy
up to the boom-bang room,

and you need... just... and...

and then... and then...


You know, seal the deal.

- Yeah. I want all of that.
- Hmm.

But I don't know what
I'm supposed to do.

- He hasn't called me.
- Well, then, call him.

Me call him? Have you lost your mind?

Oh. I know, I know.

You can, uh, by accident, call him.

You know, you put the phone by the butt.

It makes the call.

Like Christopher and Poodle did.

The old butt-dial.

Butt-dial, yeah.


I don't know, Mickey.
This is a bit intense.

Okay, maybe this is not
the time to be subtle.

It's too late now. Just come on.

Thanks again for waxing my bikini line,

like you do every single week, Marta.

Sure. You are my favorite waxing client.

You make this job an absolute joy.

Oh, by the way, how did the date go?

Well, not great. Thanks for asking.

I think I was just really nervous.

It didn't help that I was so
exhausted from all those Kegels.

Sure. Well, your hard work has paid off,

because in over 30
years in this business,

I have never seen a more
perfect downstairs on a lady.

Hm. Thanks, Marta.

It is so soft, and young and supple,

like the neck of a turkey.

Ooh... ooh...

I... I mean, it's just that
I wish Teddy could find it

in his heart to give me a second chance.

That's mine! That's mine!

I swallowed a frog.

I wish I could... Teddy
could find it in his heart

to give me a second chance.

Anyway, uh, thanks for letting me

pour my heart out to you, Marta.

I love you equally as a
friend and an employee.

Sure. And I love listening
to your many, many problems.

I... I want to squeeze
you around your neck

until you can't breathe
anymore. I just...

So you thought saying that

it resembled the neck
of a turkey would be...

They are majestic animals.

I can't even wrap my mind
around what that means.

In my country, it's a
real high compliment.

Is that what... Oh!

Oh, oh!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!


Oh, hey, stranger.

God, I'm still so embarrassed
about the butt dial.

Sorry about that.

It's a shame I'm going so soon.

Yeah. It really is. It really is.

I think we're just gonna have
to kick things up a notch.

What happened to taking things slowly?

Oh, that? No.

That was, that was so stupid.

I said that forever ago,
when I was young and dumb.

But I'm not that anymore.

Now I'm old and wise.

Hmm, no, not old.

I'm wise.

And young and hot.

Guess what?


I just got dibs on a
brand-new master bedroom

that I didn't even know existed.

I don't know what that
means, but... I'm in.

Oh, come on.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Settling in. Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I forget to take my shoes off?

Oh... my God!

Show some respect!


No face shots.

That was my face, you...

- I'm going to kill you.
- I'll kill you more.

You like that? Remind
you of Mommy, Chip?

Alba! Alba!

No! Come back! That's right, come here.

Well, if it isn't the two little pigs.

They wrote a story about you guys.

That's the three little pigs.

Oh. Well, you're the expert.

Who are they?

Why, are you jealous?


Hey, hey! All right! Stop it!

What are you doing?

Okay, Chip. Chip. What the hell?

- Hey, you guys stop it right now!
- Oh, my God. No.

- Whoa, hey, knock it off.

- Walk away!
- I'll kill you!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I think I killed her.


Oh! Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay.

No, no, just...

Oh, no. What did you do?

I didn't mean to do
it. I didn't mean it!

- Pull it out!
- Alba!

No, no, no. Bed, bed, bed. Go away.

You get out of here.
You shouldn't see this.


Okay, I think he'd like
me to travel with him.

So I can operate... I can
operate this, I can do it.

Okay. You are really...

Get that woman away from me!

Uh, just call me. If they...


- If they give you a glass eye, you just...
- Get away!

- Get away!
- Okay. Okay. I'll wait for you.

Sorry. All right,
good luck. You call me.

We'll do a rain check. Okay?

Damn it, they called again
when we were fighting.

Oh, just play it.

Oh, my God, is that... ?

Fast forward. Fast forward.

Oh, so overweight.

Well, you're an alcoholic.

Is that to-go bag with that
salad still in the fridge?

Oh, God. You just ate a pizza.

Well, it was very plain.

I'm calling downstairs
to the front desk.

Can't you just leave them alone?

What are you talking about?

Fernando loves me.

Maybe they're trying to
tell us something in code?


Why couldn't they just call
and tell us that they miss us?

You know what? Screw them. Okay?

I'm here.

You're right. Screw them.

You should take the room.

Nah, I'm good.

Hey. You looking for
Chris and Poodle Pemberton?

This is a direct line. Enjoy.

Ben, are you watching Alien?

Oh, come on, man.

Aliens is a way better movie.

I didn't know.

Jimmy, we're watching
Aliens. I'll show you.

Give me that.

That is gonna put me in
a weird space, but okay.

You'll be all right.

All right, you guys.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Hey, Jen. It's Chip.

Just calling to see what's up.

Chip, this is Jennifer's dad.

- This is the 76th consecutive day you've called her.
- Oh.

It's getting scary.

I need you to never, ever call again.


- Incoming call.
- Okay.

Ignore it and trace the voice mail.

You've reached Chip Pemberton.

Please leave a message.

Hey, buddy. It's Dad.

I've got to make this fast.

I'm so sorry we haven't been in touch,

but it's very dangerous for us to call.

Look, I wish I could be
there for your lacrosse games.

I hope that bonehead coach

is giving you the
playing time you deserve.

Anyway, I need you to
be brave for me, son.

We don't know when we can come home,

but your mom and I care about
you kids more than anything.

We'll fix this, Chip.

- We love you.
- Mm.

Did you get it?

Got 'em.