The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 9 - Homecoming - full transcript

What's next in the toy pile?
Hess gasoline truck.

- Keep or chuck?
- I don't know. Does the horn work?

Oh, that's a keeper.

- Albert Einstein bobble head.
- Ooh, that's a tough one. Give it a shake.

Wait, what am I saying?

- Yeah. Sorry, Al.
- Yep.

- Let's chuck it.
- Oh! Mr. Fluffles!

You remember this?
This used to be Ian's.

And then he gave it to Eve
when she was a baby.

- She used to chew on it.
- And then she gave it to Graham

because it was "twadition."



- Lot of memories in this guy.
- And a lot of germs. Sorry, Fluffles.

Well, I think our work here is done.

We bought him all this stuff?
Shouldn't he love us more?

He hasn't played with a lot
of these toys in years.

He won't even notice anything's gone.

Where's my stuff?!

Move, move, move!
Go, go, go, go, go.

1x09 - Homecoming

Got your track pants on?

- How could you tell?
- I could hear you coming down the hall.

Why do mob guys wear these?
How do you pull off a hit?

- You stole my toys. Why?
- We didn't steal anything, honey?

Your dad and I just thought
we'd give those things

- to a few needy families.
- Who don't have disembodied



Albert Einstein heads of their own.

And I found one of your action
figures wrapped in duct tape

- in a fast food bag behind your dresser.
- I was saving it for something.

We can't keep things
that nobody's gonna use.

- You understand, buddy?
- I do.

Track pants? Really, Dad?
You know, if there's one thing I learned

working at today's man,
it's that today's man

dresses for the job he
wants tomorrow today.

What if I wanna be a
basketball player?

Watch and learn, Dad.
Miss, is this your husband?

- What is this? I hate this.
- You are a woman of exceptional beauty.

When he dresses like this,
do you feel taken care of?

- Like the queen that you are?
- Actually, I don't f...

- Okay, are you hitting on me?
- Shh.

- Reach inside my pocket.
- Ian.

No, there's a business card in there.

It's a sales technique Arben taught me.
It works better with an accent.

- And on somebody other than your mom.
- Either way, call me.

I'll get you into a suit
she'll wanna get you out of.

Gotta jam.
I have to cover an extra shift.

Ranesh passed out when he opened up
a box of synthetic belts.

I'm worried about him. I
mean, he quit college to

start a tech company and
now he's not even doing that.

Well, the suit job's
just a temporary thing.

You never know, he could
be the next Mark Zuckerberg.

Did Mark Zuckerberg
date a high school girl?

- He would've if he could've.
- I'm just worried

he's not living up to his potential.

I wanna just grab him and tie him up
and drag him back to college.

- You can't do that.
- I know. He's bigger than me.

- I would have the element of surprise though.
- Not in those pants.

Mike, we've talked about this.
Our kids are getting older.

We can't force 'em to do
what we want to anymore.

Watch this.
Hey, honey, how was your day?

Ugh.

Would I prefer my teenage daughter
speak to me instead of grunt? Sure.

But after they turn 14,
adults are the enemy.

Well, at least we still
have Graham to push around.

It was so cute when he got all mad.

"Oh, you give me my stuff back.
I'm so angry!"

I've never seen them use it.

No, I'm sorry. I thought
we had an agreement.

I've looked at the numbers and
these margins are unacceptable.

What, do you think this is the
first deal that I've ever made?

Make this right, slick.

Hearing Ian on that
phone call talking business,

I gotta admit, I was impressed.

Tough negotiating.

I should get you on the
phone with time warner.

Thanks, Dad. Ugh.
Sorry you had to hear that.

It's just, you expect a
certain level of service

- when you're renting a stretch hummer.
- Right, you have to... what?

Yeah, they tried to bait
and switch me into a party van.

- Can't take Reese to homecoming in that.
- You're going to a high school dance?

Ha! Not in a party van I'm not.

No, this has to be perfect.
Homecoming's a rite of passage.

Yeah, a rite of passage you've
been through twice. You passed.

Look, Reese has
never been to a dance.

She wants to be treated like a princess.
I know that sounds stupid to you...

I'm sorry, are you
waiting for me to disagree?

Well, it's important to her.

And the guys at the shop
got me a great deal on a tux

at our outlet in Jersey.
All factory recalls.

Did you know inflammable means
the same thing as flammable?

You rented a suit that catches on fire?

No, Dad, I'm not an idiot.
I bought it.

Homecoming, prom, the spring fling.

Three wears, the tux pays for itself.

Just need to figure out a way to
get to New Jersey to pick it up.

Annie was right, you can't force
your kids to do what you want.

But you also can't jump
out of a moving car.

It was time for an
impromptu college tour.

- I'll take you.
- Don't you have work?

I'm between assignments.
Besides, this is homecoming.

It's a thrice in a lifetime event.

And I said, "I don't care
what they're doing in Japan.

Keep your tongue away from my eyeball."

That's good.
You're setting boundaries.

I'm all about communicating early
in a relationship now.

I was just telling Eve she has
got to set that tone with Jonah.

- Wait, who... who's Jonah?
- You know, the guy she started seeing

after Chris turned out to be gay.

- Chris?
- Oh, yeah.

He was the perfect first boyfriend.
Not too handsy, loved to dance.

So I...
when did she tell you all this?

When we went shopping
for homecoming dresses.

Oh, shopping for homecoming,
that's nice. Her first dance.

Something that my daughter
and "you" will never forget.

I've read 100 parenting
books and they all say

you're supposed to give
your teenage daughter space.

Apparently so your
weaselly sister-in-law

can slide in there and
steal your memories.

Did you...
did you take some pictures?

- Oh, we didn't.
- Well, you can always do that at prom.

- You're a terrible folder.
- I'm creative.

- When has folding ever been creative?
- Origami.

- Hey.
- Hey, honey.

Remember when you said I couldn't
just drag our son back to Cornell?

- Turns out I can.
- You didn't tie him up, did you?

No, I didn't have to.
He's wildly gullible.

- I put that on you, by the way.
- Mike, what about homecoming?

Look, I just wanna remind him
how great college is.

Let him check out the campus,
watch the big game,

and we'll see some girls
that didn't just turn 18.

And you think this is gonna make him

- wanna magically re-enroll?
- Hey, I'm an optimist.

I'll have him back in time for
the big dance tomorrow night.

Or, if things go well, in four years.

You know, Mike,
you can't just come up

with some sort of
elaborate ploy so that you

can have a conversation
with your child...

Mike, I gotta go.
Tunnel. Can't hear you.

Sorry. Love you. Bye.

Guess who's having girl's night?

I hate it when you sing stuff.

Yeah.

Me and you...
Oh, you know, I'm sorry.

Gosh, I love to drive.

You know what driving reminds me of?

- College.
- Oh!

Reese just texted me a picture
of her homecoming dress.

- Doesn't she know that's bad luck?
- Best four years of my life.

Trees, lakes, beautiful flowers?

This isn't New Jersey.
Where the hell are we?

Must have taken a wrong turn.

Well, since we're upstate,
you know what we should do?

We should go to Cornell.

I hear they're having a homecoming
weekend for all the kids your age.

Are you serious? Cornell's,
like, 200 miles away from home.

And the tux shop... by 7:00, they'll
have given away all the good canes!

- So I did you two favors.
- I can't believe you kidnapped me.

It's not a kidnapping.
Now stop complaining

before I cut off your ear
and send it home to your mom.

It's locked. I control it.

The plan was to get

Eve comfortable enough
to open up to me about everything.

Not just whoever this Jonah person was.

She needs to understand that I'm
not just a mom. I'm one of the girls.

This is fun, right?
Do you want some more cookie dough?

- The first tube was enough.
- Okay, all right.

So, any stuff going on with you?

Any guy stuff or regular stuff?

- Any... stuff?
- Not really. No.

Oh, come on, I just... I wanna

- know what the haps is.
- Huh?

Are, what the hap...
haps... what the haps are.

It's a process.

So what do you wanna do?
We could braid each other's hairs.

We could read some magazines.

You know, we could read 'em
and be a couple of mag hags.

- Okay, I'm out.
- No, no, no!

I'll stop, I'll stop. I'm sorry.

Hey, bros.

Making myself a smoothie.
All I need is your blender,

and some strawberries, almond
butter, greek yogurt, flax,

an over ripe banana, ice.

- What's in the bags?
- Oh, my laundry. Thanks.

Hey, Aunt Leigh, you
should stay and hang.

We're having a girls night.

That's what you called it, right, Mom?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I d...
yeah, I did call it that.

Oh, my god, I have to tell you

what you-know-who said
about you know what.

Ooh! Oh, that sounds juicy!

Girls night! It's all about being,
you know, really specific.

Great. Still no signal. Reese
probably thinks I'm dead.

- Or napping.
- Not possible.

I tuck my phone in my
armpit in case it vibrates.

That's good thinking.
It's like nature's pocket.

You know, Reese is
gonna think I ditched her,

and then she's gonna go to
the dance with hot Kevin.

Yeah, he works out.
He plays the bass.

And the best part about him is,
he doesn't even know how hot he is.

You know, the good
thing about college is,

you can experiment there, if...
you...

- Aw, come on, Dad.
- All right, let's try to get you a signal.

[Rhythm is a Dancer by Snap!]

Rhythm is a dancer!

Oh, wow, I can't
believe you guys listened

- to such cheesy music.
- "Cheesy"?

This is one of the greatest songs!

And as the poet Turbo B says,
"I'm serious as cancer."

And swipe it, and swipe it,
and dance, pow, turn.

Running man,
running man, running man,

- running man, running man.
- The worm!

The worm! That's right!

Oh, yeah, it's the worm!
It's the worm.

Oh, you watch this.
You just wait

and see your mother.
That's right.

- Nice, Mom.
- The worm, the worm!

The worm... ooh, oh, god.

Oh, god. The worm.

The worm, the worm.

Oh, my god.

Well, still no signal.
Or road signs.

- Is it possible we're in the past?
- We're a little lost.

I... didn't mom give me
a GPS for Christmas one year?

Maybe that Christmas
hasn't happened yet.

Please, just let me drive.
We're getting nowhere at this rate.

I'm sorry, it's my meds.

Going 45 makes me feel like
Usain Bolt in a race car.

You know, by the time we get back,

Reese will have graduated high school.

- If only.
- Okay, I'm getting out.

You're not getting
out of a moving car.

I can get out of a barely moving car.

- You're not... what... whoa.
- Dad, watch out! Deer!

- Brake!
- I am!

We've changed the future.

- It's still breathing.
- Thank god.

- So we should kill it.
- Yeah.

- What? With what, a rock?
- It just got hit by a car.

You have to put it out of its misery.

First of all, I can't
kill an animal with a rock.

It would take hours.
It would be the worst kind of torture.

I didn't think you'd do it.

Okay, I'm good to go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa.

Put that down.

- Dad, it's not gonna make it.
- You don't know that.

A deer goes down,
you're ready to kill it.

You fail one econ class,
you're ready to drop out of college.

- Where's your resilience?
- How did you know about that?

- Cornell sent me a transcript.
- Those idiots. Why would they do that?

- 'Cause I pay them $40,000.
- Noted. Am I killing the deer or not?

Not. This deer is a fighter.

If you had a positive attitude like me,

you'd look at it and
you'd see that it's... gone.

- Where did the deer go?
- Must have limped off.

I'm gonna go chase him down.

No, he's probably off with
the fellas, telling 'em

about this crazy kid that
tried to kill him with a rock.

Ian, don't be stubborn.
Don't be such a child.

Mama!

So Giancarlo was torn.
He really wanted me.

But he also wanted a bacon cheeseburger.

Luckily... there was
a long line at the drive-through.

Oh, my god.
You had sex at a drive-through?

I know! It sounds sexy, but by
definition, you have to be done

in the time it takes
to melt American cheese.

All night long, I was competing
to be as cool as Leigh,

but then I realized, people open
up to her because she's so open.

Oh, my god.
That is hilarious.

Okay, Leigh's not the
only one with some stories.

And let me warn you, this
one is a little R-rated.

You see that burn right there?

That's from a muffler.

The thing is, I didn't even know
my legs could bend like that.

But when you are doing
it on a motorcycle,

- you make it work.
- Is that even possible?

Oh, yeah, let me show you
on some of Graham's toys.

- Okay, hey, we're all set.
- Hold on.

If that was in college... oh, god.
Was that Dad?

No! No, it wasn't your father.

- So it was someone else? Ew!
- No, it... it was your father...

- Ew!
- I ... I'm sorry. God.

I've been telling you for hours,

I didn't drop out of college
because of one failed class.

The class made me question
why I was even in college.

I wanted to do my own thing.

Is that your thing, throwing leaves?

I'm seeing which way
the wind is blowing.

We want to approach
the deer from downwind.

Eagle scout. Guess you can learn
things in places that aren't college.

Every kid who fails a class
thinks college isn't for them.

I know something about adversity.

You just gotta face it with optimism.

Look, Dad,
you're optimistic about this deer.

You're optimistic about your health.

You're optimistic about
everything in this world but me.

- That's not true.
- Look, it sucks that you got Parkinson's.

And it's great the
way you've handled it,

but this whole inspiring
journey that you went on,

that was my childhood.

And it was scary and it was hard.

I just want you to know that
I'm... I'm trying to do my best.

- And I wish you could see that.
- I'm... I'm sorry, Ian, I had no idea...

No, we're going around in circles!

Yeah, but it's
important we get this out.

No, we passed by this rotten log before.

Why is it after me?

Probably because he
thinks he can carry you off.

Okay, I know you need your
personal space right now,

but I'm just giving you ten feet.

Ow.

Oh, hey, Mom.
What are you doing on the floor?

Oh, you know, it's a slumber party.

You stay up late and sleep on the floor
so you can stabilize your vertebrae.

- Were you leaving, honey?
- Well, you know how it is.

- I sleep better in my own bed.
- All right, well... I had fun.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

- I'll see you when I see you.
- Yeah.

Wow. That was a pretty solid one
night stand sneak-out.

That girl's gonna break a lot of hearts
and avoid a lot of awkward brunches.

- Ugh, last night was a disaster.
- Yeah, what was the plan there?

I don't know!

I just wanted Eve to open up to me
like she opens up to you.

Sweetie... that's never gonna happen.

- Eve's a teenager.
- I know.

You could be the coolest
person in the world,

but to her,
you'll always be her mother.

She doesn't want to talk
about her life with you.

Moms are lame.
It's just science.

Oh. You're awake.

You said we don't
keep things we don't use.

Graham, this stuff is valuable.
What else did you take?

Don't you remember?

$150 aspirational jeans.
They're two sizes too small

because I was gonna fit into them
after my juice cleanse.

All right, take it away.

I thought we'd never get back,

- but you did it.
- Of course I did.

If you hadn't been so worried
about your Italian shoes,

you would have made better time.

Yeah, one of those shoes
is now married to an owl.

Come on, Ian, you've been
freezing me out for hours.

- Can we just...
- Oh! I got signal!

Two bars!

Hello, Reese? It's me!
Oh! I'm fine.

I've been trying to call you all night.
It's just that I...

Hello? What... No! No, I
had two bars a second ago!

Where did the signal go?

Oh, if I just can get
to a higher ground,

I'll be able to get a clearer
path to the transmitter.

I could get...

He doesn't give up.

Oh!
Synthetic.

Okay, plan B.
Do you have any silver fillings?

You know, you're a lot
tougher than I realized.

Maybe I didn't notice what
you went through as a kid

because you handled it so well.

Yeah, the... you know,
it's not that big deal.

I got a lot of sympathy
make outs because of it.

Well, I won't bother
you about college anymore.

You're your own man.

Now let's get you to
the high school dance.

- Okay, but I'm driving.
- Yeah, okay.

- Here. Head's up.
- Ugh.

Okay... that's great.

No matter how hard you try
to fight it, you reach a point

with your kids where you can't
force 'em to do what you want.

You have to get out of the way
and let them choose their own path.

Okay, you can keep one, but you have
to promise me you'll play with it.

I promise.

You might be surprised
where that path leads them.

You got the cane!

But all you can do is
trust they'll turn out okay.

Looks like I used to it.

I told you Mike, we've gotta just
relax about these things.

I... do you think chaperones
are allowed to dance?

Yeah, just don't be
offended if I don't move much.

Don't be offended if I do.

In fact, they could turn
out pretty spectacular.

Oh, our son is on fire!

- Yeah, he's a good dancer.
- No, honey, he's...

- he's actually on fire.
- Help!

Ian!

And eventually, they'll
find a way back to you.

Eve, what's wrong?

Do you wanna tell me what happened?
Okay, okay.

But maybe that's just me.

I'm an optimist.

Worth it.